Holy drama to catch up on--and I'm moving.

So the last time I posted, and said I wanted to move out, I was pretty much irate. I have rarely been that mad in my life. I was mad at what Tisah had just said to me, and more specifically how she said it (the ugly sweater shopping at DI with Ryan Ockey incident). And that was the beginning of a run of events over the last week and a half of the semester that I was misjudged for, but nonetheless resulted in much drama between me and Tisah and Carrie, leading to them pretty much not speaking to me. Amongst it all, after being so fed up with everything and how I was being treated and judged and not trusted, and how things with Tisah and I did not get better after I tried talking to her, and after praying a lot about it and going to the temple, I decided to move out.

I put my contract up for sale at the end of finals week, just about a week ago, and it sold yesterday! On Christmas! This girl, Lindsay, has been interested in it, and went and saw it a few days ago, and liked it, and told me last night on the phone that she's going to buy it. It was a Christmas miracle! I am soo glad, and SO thankful. I fasted last Sunday and have been praying for my contract to sell, and I know that it's a blessing straight from Heavenly Father that it sold so quickly. Fasting works, I tell you what.

So now I just need to find a place to live...:)

I will try to fill in the details about all the drama that has been the reason I'm leaving, later... It's not that fun to think about, I've been trying to not think about it actually. It just brings negative feelings to me towards, well mostly Tisah. I'm trying to let it all go. But for the record, things are great again with Carrie and me. There was just misunderstanding between us, and I knew that, so I met her at her work on campus this last Mon, after the semester was over, and talked to her, and clarified everything, with what she thought I had been doing (she thought I had been going after the boy, our FHE brother, that she's liked for a while--I wasn't, it just looked like it), that I wasn't. I was so grateful that she was willing to listen and talk to me, and be apologetic as well. I love her.

Tonight I want to move out. It might take a lot to make me want to stay after tonight.

I'm thankful for my cold

I have never been so thankful to be sick.

Last week was Thanksgiving and my birthday, and it was so so so nice to have a break from school and TBT and roommates and Provo, and everything. I did NOT want to come back.

But alas, I did, to our apartment with 2 roommates still sick. Tisah and Carrie both had colds before the break, and somehow they still had them, and almost worse. Ironically, the night of the day I came back (Monday), I came down with a cold, and woke up Tuesday morning not feeling so good. I definitely had a cold. Sore throat, stuffed head, the works. Even more ironically, Katie came down with what seemed like the same thing the next day. This thing was contagious! So now there are 4 of us in our apartment that are sick. Carrie was not getting better and got diagnosed with bronchitis a few days ago, and Tisah's cough has not been going away, so she went to the doctor yesterday and got diagnosed with bronchitis too. My cough is getting worse, I just hope it doesn't turn into bronchitis.

As much as I don't love being sick, it's actually been a blessing, and I almost think an answer to prayer. I've been praying pretty much daily for a while now, for Tisah and I to continue becoming closer friends all the time. When she was still sick after the break, I was able to get and bring home some OJ for her, which I was grateful for the opportunity to serve her. And then being sick with her has actually been a very unifying experience for us. Pretty much every day this week, I get up shortly before her, and shower, then she showers, or visa versa, and we both feel yucky and sound awful, and ask each other how we are feeling. It's been like our morning sick report. She's shared some of her OJ she bought with me, she's shared some of her cough drops with me, we cough together (both coughed all through church today), and we feel for each other. We even talk about the color of our snot, and if it's still yellow-ish green or not...:)

But I am very grateful for this cold for that reason alone. It's given us both ways to serve each other and brought Tisah and I a lot closer together in a relatively short amount of time.

Never knew a cold could be such a blessing.:)

Today I want to stay. :)

So life is good right now. Really good, really.

Things are so much better with roommates. This last week or so has been an emotional rollercoaster with that situation. Some days I want to move out, some days I want to stay. Today I want to stay.

Tisah and I are becoming friends again. I pray for it everyday, and my prayers are being answered. I've also been quite frustrated and discouraged about Katie (another roommate) and my relationship with her. Sometimes she'll be really friendly with me, and then sometimes she's really distant and almost cold. The most frustrating thing has been that it's when Carrie or Carrie and others that she is the most friendly with me; and those times we can have SO much fun. Carrie, Katie, and I, late at night, always means laughing our heads off and getting nothing done. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's always a blast. But then the next morning, as, say Katie and I are the only ones up or something, and getting ready, she's back to being quite and not talkative or friendly really, towards me. It's like I have to start over everyday with our friendship. She's not a real social person at all, on her own, and I know that, but it's still frustrating, and has become more so lately. It's become so frustrating to me, almost making me feel bad, that she has been another main reason I've wanted to move out as of late.

However, I started praying about it a few days ago, praying to become better friends, etc., and I was so blessed with my prayers answered, again. On Sat. night she and I were the only ones home, and we were both in the living room, on our laptops, doing homework while watching Pirates 3. I had wanted to go to the women's volleyball game (last one of the season, and I hadn't gone to any yet this semester, so sad), and didn't have anyone to go with me. I asked her, but she didn't really want to b/c she wasn't really dressed and didn't have any makeup on, etc. But then we got chatting more, and laughing about different things, and then she mentioned how much she had been wanting frozen yogurt. She doesn't have a car. So I was like, "how about you go to the game with me and I'll take you to get frozen yogurt." And we were laughing and she was gonna say that too. It was funny.

So we got ready and left about 5 minutes later.

We got there during the first game, and ended up staying the whole time, through 4 games. It was a ton of fun, the game was awesome! BYU won.

But it was just me and her, and we ended up talking a lot about mission stuff (she just started her papers!) and then got onto the subject of her family and her sister and the hard situation going on there. Her sister struggles with same-sex attraction, and it's really hard for them all. She told me a lot about that situation, and I just feel so bad for her. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a sibling go through that, and choose to live that lifestyle, and leave the Church because of it..it would be so hard. I was really touched, and grateful, that she felt like telling me about it all. It meant a lot, and I really feel like it brought us a lot closer, for which I am SO grateful. It literally was an answer to prayers. I really love Katie. She's so much fun, so fun to joke and laugh with, but she's also really sweet and a great listener.

Anyway, after the game we ended up going home to grab Carrie, and she came with us to get frozen yogurt at this place called Farr's, down by the University Mall. It was soooooo good! It's like Spoon It Up, where it's soft serve ice cream, but so many flavors, and you make your own, and put any toppings you want on it, and then pay by the ounce. It was amazing, and so much fun. The three of us always have a blast together, I love it.

So yeah, things with Katie are so much better. I just hope they stay that way. I guess that will be the real test.

But things with Tisah are better too. I feel like each day, we slowly become better friends. Very slowly.

On top of all this, Thanksgiving is in 3 days, tomorrow is our last day of school before the break, I don't have any physics at all this week (hallelujah!!!!!), I made a lot of progress on the master timeline of True Blue Tuesdays for next semester today (which has been hanging over my head for weeks), my birthday is in 4 days (I'll be 24, weird), and I am so un-stressed about school right now (because of the break this week) that I was able to sit and watch a movie I've been waiting to for a while, with Carrie. It was so great!

The only thing that would make all of this even better would be if I had a man. I would love a guy to hang out with, that just wanted to hang out with me. Someone to cuddle with and watch a movie, or go to a piano recital that I have to for my piano class, and hold hands through the whole thing.

Speaking of guys, Bryant wrote me on facebook yesterday and asked how I was doing, with 2 question marks at the end. I was surprised and pleased that he did, but didn't know what it meant. I kept my guard and just said Hey, I'm doing really well, how are you? He replied today and asked if I'm surviving school. I answered and said Ha, yeah, but the break is much needed and will be very nice. And I asked him how work is going. Then he responded with Work is...work....I'm just struggling being home again... to which I felt bad for, I remember getting home and adjusting and how hard it was. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say, with his dot dot dot, but I just said It's hard. I know how it feels. I'm sorry. Can I do anything for you? to which he hasn't responded.

Part of me wonders if he is suddenly talking to me because he and his girlfriend aren't dating anymore, or if he's just trying to stay friends and stay in touch..I don't know.

Anyway, I try not to get too excited when he replies or what not. I don't think he's the one..he's just too small, remember?

But also speaking of guys, I don't know if I've ever written about the select guys in my classes or in the BYUSA office that I have slight crushes on, but one of them is Mike, the accountant, in the office. He's cute, but my kind of cute. And it's fun to joke and laugh with him. He thinks I'm funny, and I think he's funny. I would love to got out with him. That could be a lot of fun. Even as much as I don't love dates. I think a date with him could be really fun.

But I saw him today, only for a second, but it seemed like he looked at me, specifically, from across the way.. I'm probably wrong, but a girl can hope, right? Here's to hoping...

More catching up...and wanting to move out.

So we've once again come to a bump in the road with Tisah. I'm getting really emotionally exhausted with this.

This last week we went on a group roommate date and because of things that happened in preparation for the date (my date--Carrie's brother's roommate, who I was just being set up with), I was really frustrated at Tisah, because then she got her good friend, Brian, who I thought (she had told me just a week or so earlier) she was interested in, to be my last-minute date. So I was frustrated that I was put in an awkward situation of being on a date with the boy she was interested in; the date ended up being reallly fun actually, Brian was a good date. But then what frustrated/hurt me the most was that Tisah never said anything about it again, when I assumed, and was so sure she knew I was frustrated about the night, and even figured she knew I was frustrated at her. So I felt like since she didn't bring it up or say anything about it, she didn't care, which hurt a lot.

Other things have happened this week that have added to it festering, and by today, I just couldn't take it anymore and I texted her this afternoon after church and asked if we could talk.

So we just finished talking a few minutes ago, and I'm glad I got to tell her what has been bothering me, but turns out I assumed lots of things wrong, and we miscommunicated again, and that she doesn't actually like Brian like that anymore (wish I'd known that), and that she didn't know I was still frustrated after the date about the date, and didn't know that it was she who was the problem for sure, this week.

We talked about things, I ended up crying, again, which I hate because I'm always the one to get emotional, and she doesn't really. But even though we talked about things, things are still weird, and right now I feel like I'm not sure if they are ever going to really get back to normal. I just don't feel on the same page as her. I feel like she isn't real with me a lot of times, unless we're alone. I feel so alone and out of place in this apartment lately. I feel like I'm not myself a lot. Tisah said she feels like I'm always mad. That hurt. I can kind of see why she said that, but always? I would love nothing more right now than to go home to Salt Lake or go live with Camille and Jake and not come back. If it wouldn't cause drama and a lot of effort, I would seriously consider moving out.

Tisah and I are so opposite emotionally, I think that's why it's been so hard. When she is upset about something, she just confronts the person and works it out, and naturally expects others to do that too. When I get frustrated I (subconsciously, maybe consciously) expect the person to realize they've frustrated me, and ask, and when they don't, it festers, and I just get more and more frustrated and hurt. It's so much easier for me to talk about what's wrong if I'm asked. It's very hard for me to just come out and say it, until it gets to the point when I can't take it anymore and end up talking about it. And even then it's very difficult and emotionally taxing, and I end up in tears, partly because, at least with Tisah, when I think she is much to blame, by the time our talk is over, I often am made feel like (probably not on purpose) it's my fault, and I feel very small. Not in the humbled way, but in the I am an emotional mess, and you aren't at all, and I feel really embarrassed that it's caused me this much grief when...I dunno. I just feel dumb and not like I fully got my point across. I mean, I think she can see where I'm coming from, but the conversation didn't go how I hoped. It wasn't very satisfying to me.

I would so love to live with older girls, ideally returned missionaries. I feel slightly judgmental saying that, because it's not a bad thing at all when girls haven't served missions. But there's just a different level of understanding and maturity with RMs. I miss living with RMs. I don't want to just complain about my apartment, but a lot of the time I feel like I live in a young apartment. I love all my roommates, but sometimes I just wish I had someone like Emily (Williams, now McConkie) living in the same apartment, that I could talk to. I just don't really feel like I can talk to Tisah like that anymore, or at least lately.

Augh, and I feel like I am the emotional wreck of the apartment, and that now Tisah and Carrie are going to talk about me, and that makes me feel even more isolated...

I just want to go home.

Catching up..Bryant (no Bryant), Megan's baptism, and my shoe fetish

So I am clearly terrible at keeping up with my journal writing.

But to try to sum up the high points (or major happenings, I should say, they're not all high points). So things with Bryant did not work out. They were SOO good for a bit, we texted back and forth a ton for a couple days after our awesome date. It was really fun and we became extremely flirtatious, possible more so than I've ever been with anyone. Through our flirting it became clear that we both wanted to cuddle, and he basically suggested that we try it next time we hang out. Typing this, that sounds almost inappropriate, but I promise, it was all appropriate, clean, and fine. It was really funny. Anyway, on top of that, in that same flirtation, I pretty much told him that I liked him. And I only admitted that because I was very confident that the feeling was mutual. Otherwise I would never say such a thing to a boy.

Anyway, then things were kind of weird over the weekend of Halloween, we didn't text much at all, and I was starting to wonder what was going on, then he texted me on Monday, and then we texted more on Tuesday, and it was good again that day, except that day we were texting about...well, long story short, I told him he should come down to my Institute cuz it is really good, and he asked if I was trying to get him to come down and see me again..and I was still slightly irritated at him for the weekend weirdness, and then trying to just go back to flirting with me. So I said I wouldn't complain, but that our Institute really is good. Then he said "Provo is just so far..." and I was kind of hurt by that, b/c it made me feel like I wasn't worth driving a mere hour for. And yeah, compared to living here, that is far, but I felt like he and I had some really good potential, and guys like him, and guys that I click with that well, don't come around everyday, and I would be willing to drive an hour to go see him. Plus it was harder for me to get up there b/c I am so crazy busy with school and everything. So I was kind of hurt that he obviously didn't feel the same way.

We texted a little more later in the week, initiated by me though, but then things were weird. And I was up in Salt Lake that weekend, which he knew I would be, but never said anything about wanting to do anything, which bummed me out too. So I decided I wouldn't either, since I already put myself out there.

So that weekend (Nov 6, 2010) I was up in Salt Lake and Sandy, staying with Camille and Jake and going to Megan's baptism, and then staying at the Merkley's again Sat. night. The weekend was so fun, and so needed! I had needed to get away from my apartment and my roommates for a while, and it was a great breath of fresh air. I love hanging out with family, especially Camille and Jake. And it was so good to see Mom and Dad, and Rosanna and Steve and all the kids; and Grandma and Grandpa Gurr were there, and even Lanette, and it was so good to see them, especially Lanette. She and I ended up talking together for a long time at the Kerr's house after the baptism, and she told me all about the Hardy's situation, and Rulon, and how abusive and brainwashing he's been to Diane and all the kids for so long; and about Diane and her situation of leaving him for good finally and living with Ty and Lanette in their basement with Rachel. I had no idea everything that was going on and had gone on for so long with their family. It is so sad. It definitely made me even more grateful though for my family and my "normal" upbringing. I am SO grateful for devoted, loving parents, who rarely fought in front of us kids, and who have stayed so true to each other, and for Dad, who has ALWAYS treated mom so well. I can't really believe how lucky I got to have such amazing, loving, compassionate people as parents. They are truly amazing. And I just pray for the Hardy family. Fast Sunday was the next day, and I included Diane and Rachel and the Thorpes in my fast. I can't imagine what they are really going through. I really have experienced nothing like that kind of emotional trauma. I have a lot of respect and admiration for Lanette for being such a strength and rescuer to Diane and her family.

Anyway, so that afternoon I still hadn't heard from Bryant, which I was hoping to, he knowing I was up there (while texting after our date he had told me to let him know anytime I was up there, so I was wondering why, now that he knew, why he wasn't asking me to do anything..). But I really wanted to hang out with him, so I texted him, just how are you, and then later, while I was at the Merkley's, after having put the boys to bed while Camille and Jake were at dinner, I texted him again and told him I was still up there in SL, and that he should come hang out at my sister's.

No response. Ever.

Until the next afternoon, Sunday, when he said "I realized my response never got sent. I was at the Real soccer game." No apology, nothin. So I was slightly irritated, but after a while responded with "Fun, how was it?" and he said "it was really cool, how was your weekend?" Something felt really weird, I didn't know what was going on or where we were anymore, so finally I texted him back and told him how my weekend was, and then said "Is everything ok? I don't really know what's going on anymore..." And he texted back that he needed to call me soon (he told me that in a text a few days before, and tried calling when I was still in institute, but that tonight would be hard, and that he was really bad at this. So at that point I knew it wasn't going to be good. Which is why some tears leaked out.

I texted back and told him I'd be up til midnight probably and please just tell me, and that whatever it was, it was okay. So he said he'd call me.

He did a while later, and told me that his pre-mission girlfriend and he had been talking a lot lately and decided to get back together and be exclusive. That is beasically what I thought it was, but it still hurt. I felt like there was finally someone I was really interested in, and even more, was interested back, and now I was 2nd best. It was hard. I felt like I was being dumped, and we weren't even dating. I cried for a bit that night, and I think a little the next day, but I'm okay now. I'm not mad at him though, which is a miracle. I think it has a lot to do with me praying to not be mad at him and not direct my hurt at him. Prayers are definitely answered.

He's been through so much, his mom died 6 months into his mission, then his dad remarried 5 months later; his brother has gone inactive; he's living with a friend right now; not to mention he just got home from his mission and is adjusting, which is the suckiest thing of all. Plus, I'm an hour away, and she is closer to him, so I'm glad she can be there for him. Plus, I was worried with how interested I already was in him, and that things seemed like they really could go somewhere, b/c I was concerned about his size. He is kind of skinny and small. He's my height, barely, maybe even a half an inch shorter, and his legs are thin. He does have broad shoulders, which helps a lot, but still. Also, on top of that, his shoes.

I don't know if I've ever written about my shoe fetish with guys, but I have one. Their shoes is one of the first things I look at on a guy. I feel like you can tell a lot about a guy's personality from what kind of shoes they are wearing. Anyway, there are certain shoes that I am not so attracted too, such as converse (most of all), skater shoes, the slip-on really flat boat-type shoes; also the flat, popular Vans tennis shoes (not athletic type) that so many guys wear these days. Those are the kind of shoes Bryant wears. Though, because of this, and because of other guys who I've been attracted to that also wear those shoes lately, despite the fact that they wear those shoes, I've begun to rethink my opinion of guys who wear those ones...

Anyway, so Bryant Pearson is out. But I hope to meet someone that has a lot of his qualities. He was an amazing conversationalist, probably the best I've ever known, who I was interested in back, he is so funny, he thinks I am funny, he was a fantastic missionary, has a powerful testimony, he is kind, he is able to be openly complimentary, and with some very sincere compliments; and he is a gentleman. I hope his life turns out really well, I really do.

On a happier note...Elder, I mean Bryant Pearson

So now that I've updated that part of my life, here's another part.

I'm just gonna come out and say it. I have a pretty big crush on the recently returned Elder Pearson, now Bryant Pearson.

He got back about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I talked to him a few days after that, and I was so excited, but it turned out to be one of the most awkward phone conversations I've ever had. I concluded that either he's not a phone talker or he was just having a really hard time being home, and decided not to worry about it.

Then this past Sunday was his homecoming, which Shalese (Cordon) thankfully informed me about, and had me ask Bryant about the time and address, so I ended up going up there to it with her (in Bountiful) and it was really good to see him. He did a fantastic job on his talk, I don't think he had anything written, but gave a really great, powerful, testimony filled talk.

*Sidenote: Elder Neil L. Anderson, of the Quorum of the 12, happens to live in his ward, and was there that Sunday, so we got to meet him! It was really neat!

Anyway, at his homecoming Bryant and I hugged like 3 times, once right before Sac. Mtg., once after the meeting, and then at his house as we were all leaving. And I must say, he is really great to hug! I was impressed, especially after being so recently home. But yeah...

So anyway, then tonight was a little Cookeville reunion at the Conley's condo, who recently moved out here to Orem (awesome), and Bryant came down and I went, and it was great to see him. He started texting me about it last night, asking if I would be there, and I said yes, gave him the address, etc., and then just out of curiosity asked him about this girl who was at his homecoming, who Shalese said she saw grab his hand, but then he would let it go, and stuff. He said she and he dated before the mission, and they are kind of dating now, but that he wanted to date around. I texted back something like "gotcha. Well that's cool. She seemed really nice." and he was like "yeah, but I want to date around." I said I supported that, and then he was like "So do you know any girls who would want to go on a date? haha" and I started to get excited, but didn't want to get my hopes up, in case he wasn't referring to me. So I asked him what kind of girl he was looking to go on a date with, and he was like "one I can have fun with, :)" and then after that added, "with good standards, and pretty eyes... haha" and at that point I knew he was referring to me, and I was flattered. In one of his letters when we were writing after I came home, he mentioned that he thought my eyes were really pretty. That was so flattering to me and touched me. I don't get told that by guys very often at all. Anyway, so when he texted that I got really excited. I then said, "are you hinting at something..? Well, whoever you are talking about I'm pretty sure would love to, but I dunno, I guess I'm going out on a limb on this." Then he said something strange like, "Well we'll just see what happens I guess. I'm still scared of girls..." Anyway, we texted a bit more, and I told him not to be afraid, that most of us weren't that scary, and he said it's still weird to have a conversation with a girl not about Jesus, and I said if it would make you feel more comfortable, I'm always up for a Jesus chat. :) He laughed and said he might just take me up on that. Then he again said, "So you will be there tomorrow?" I laughed because I had already told him I would, I thought it was cute he seemed to be making sure. I told him yeah I would.

Anyway, so then today I go, and I was looking forward to seeing him all day, and excited to see what would come of it, and it was fun, he and I didn't talk too much there, because we were all talking together or to others there. I was secretly hoping he would want to do something after, but he rode down with Elder McMillan (Mikey), and I think he had plans for later anyway. But when we were first eating dinner (just after I got there), when I was getting me plate, he came toward me and I said hey, and he touched my arm like he would hug me, but I was pouring water. So I put it down and we side hugged, which was good. Then we flirted a little here and there through the evening, and I could tell he was paying a lot of attention to me, commenting on my socks (Halloween socks) and my earrings, etc., which I really enjoyed. I'm not recently used to such attention though, so it was making me slightly nervous. Plus I kind of like him, and he seems to be at least somewhat interested in me, so for some reason that makes me nervous. I feel like I'm in junior high and have this crush that seems to have a crush on me back. It's silly really. But it's fun. :)

After dinner and some dessert Rachel and Gerald left and the rest of us went downstairs to play a game, and there were these 2 girls there--Sister Conley's niece and her roommate--that were kind of crazy, probably about 19 years old or so. Anyway, we played a game of cards with the Conley girls (Kelly and Sarah) and one of their brothers (Matt?), and then Elder Kim (Alex), Elder McMillan, Bryant, me, and these 2 girls. The game was somewhat fun, but I kind of just wanted it to end because of the atmosphere and the conversations at the table. Not that they were bad, I just would have rather been just hanging out with Bryant and talking to him, or to other adults and had a more adult conversation. I just felt very old and out of place. But the best part was Bryant was sitting next to me, around the corner of the table, and he started texting me during the game. So we texted back and forth for a few min til the game was over, and then a little bit after, as we were all preparing to leave. I eventually was about to leave, and so he gave me a hug goodbye, and it was sooo good! It was kind of a prolonged hug, and such a good hug! It feels so good to hug him. Then his right hand lingered on my left arm as we pulled away, y'know how people do that. And he was like, "We'll be in touch." Then I didn't leave, and a few minutes later he left first and I turned around to say bye and he looked at me with kind of a more meaningful look, I thought, and again said, "We'll be in touch." So then I wondered when he might call me...

Well, after I eventually pulled myself away, being the last one there, chatting with all the Conleys, which was so fun, I went home and stopped at Smith's to grab some milk and bread, and as I was checking out, my phone rang. And it was him! I was pretty excited, and pretty impressed at the quickness of his call. I wasn't expecting a call until at least tomorrow or so.

Anyway, we talked and he asked me, "So when do you want to hang out?"

Long story, and long conversation short, we didn't set an actual day b/c the week is kind of hectic for me, and this weekend he is basically booked (I am his back up plan for Friday..:), so we're probably going to wait til next weekend. I would love to see him sooner, I told him Tuesday night would be the best week night, but I think he left it in my court to decide on weekend or weekday, which was nice of him. He didn't want to inconvenience me with my busy school schedule, etc.

Then we talked for a while about his job he just started and 18 minutes after he called me we hung up (not that I noticed or remembered how long I talked to him for or anything...so I'm a little excited that a boy actually seems to be interested in me, it's been a while!).

It was a great night and I will admit I'm a little giddy. I'm not so sure he's my EC or anything, his shoes are not my ideal shoes (I have a shoe fetish with guys, I basically judge guys, to an extent, by their shoes. The kind of shoes a guy wears says a lot about the person, I think). But he's such a great kid, and he is showing interest in me, I'm letting the shoes fly for now.:)

One of the best parts about the night was that, I think just from hugging him goodbye tonight, his cologne rubbed off on me, and I've been able to smell him on me the rest of the night. I like it, I'm not gonna lie. And I would love to smell more of it in the future...:)

A month later...Tisah and Mel bad times and good times again

Wow, I thought that having an electronic journal would make me write a lot more often, but alas, I am failing at being regular.

In the last month, much has happened, naturally. For an update on Tisah and me, our friendship was better after we talked, but then became rocky again, and this time worse. I eventually ended up telling her not to worry about doing TBT anymore, that I could tell it wasn't her thing, and it wasn't enough anymore to do it just for me. It was putting a strain on our relationship. Plus, I didn't want to be in a position to need to ask her or tell her to do things for me for it.

So that was a relief for both of us I think, and it was good, but then things got stressful with TBTs, and I fell into the mindset of being frustrated that she had kind of bailed on me, which wasn't really true, I had let her go of any responsibility for it, and it was a good thing, but I was just stressed. And she never asked about it, which I assumed meant she just didn't care about TBT, which was hard for me b/c TBT has become a major part of my life. It's a lot of what I do now. Ironically, she thought asking me about it and bringing it up would be hard for me, and she didn't want to see the look of disappointment on my face again b/c she wasn't helping, was her mindset. So once again, a lack of communication was a major part of the problem.

So anyway, things were clearly weird between us and we both kind of pretended they weren't, and would have kind of fake, surface level conversations when we were around each other, and we both eventually kind of almost stopped caring about our friendship I think. During all this, when I first thought she just didn't care, I also saw her and Carrie (her room-roommate) becoming better and better friends (or maybe just the absence of Tisah's and my relationship made theirs more apparent), and her friendships with other friends seemed to grow (at least to me), and I felt like since she was obviously fine without me, I needed to be fine without her. So I found other outlets and other people to meet my social and emotional needs. There was a week or so in there though, that I felt so alone, I had no best friend anymore, no one really to talk to, and it was hard. But I relied on the Lord and Heavenly Father a lot, and I decided He needed to be my best friend, since I really had no one else. Though this time was hard, it was a really neat spiritual growing experience for me b/c I felt comforted and like I really didn't need anyone else but the Lord. Kind of like those hard times on the mission when you don't get along with your companion and you feel so alone, and all you can do is pray. So I felt like I had some spiritual epiphanies, for which I am very grateful.

Anyway, eventually Tisah confronted me about the TBT thing, the night we were going door-knocking before our kick-off the next day (this was Mon Oct 11, 2010) and I had told her about it and that Carrie was coming, and she was welcome to come. Her response made me think she didn't want to, so I then just communicated with Carrie the time we would be leaving, etc., and Tisah then thought I didn't want her to go. So she, thankfully, confronted me about it, telling me she was getting mixed vibes from me about helping, like I wanted her help, but then I didn't, when really I just thought she didn't want to come.

That conversation was pretty sad for both of us, and by sad I mean discouraging. I had just assumed she didn't care about us anymore, so I had essentially stopped caring too. Plus I had been praying about us, fasted, about if I should do anything about she and I, and if so, what, and I hadn't felt like I should do anything. I really hadn't had any desire to do anything about us this time. So I didn't.

Our conversation got interupted, or ended short because it was time to go door-knock. The weirdness b/t us was far from being fixed, and I hadn't said things how I wanted to. So late that night I wrote her a note, hoping to help the situation. Something in me now wanted her to know what I had been feeling. Or at least the part of the situation we had talked about.

For a few days nothing improved, it was still really weird between us. And if anything, it got worse. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore, and I asked if I could take her out for ice cream. So that thursday night I had been at the library, so I came home and picked her up and we just talked and drove, and then parked and talked for a while. It was really good to have that time alone with her, something we hadn't had in a long time, and I was able to get pretty much everything out, which I needed to do.

So after that, slowly things have gotten back to nearly how they used to be. I pray that we can continue to become closer and closer again each day, and my prayers are being answered. Our relationship is so much better, and is getting even better all the time, for which I am SO grateful. I don't dread seeing her anymore, or being home with her. I still love her, and we are back to being good friends, which has made everything else in my life increasingly better.

Even though it's been hard for us, to live together, at least until recently, I am grateful that we went through these times, because it's made me a better communicator, I feel like, and it's been good practice for marriage I think.

Life is Good

So it's been about 3 weeks since I last wrote, and just to recap what happened after that last entry--

So Tisah and I talked, had a heart to heart a few days later. It was on a Thurs, I remember, and she had responded to an email I sent to all my TBT committee, and at the end had asked if there was something upsetting me, or something to that effect. At first I was nervous, because I knew I would need to talk to her soon, but later I was glad cuz her asking me about it gave me the opportunity and excuse to bring it up. So that night I was feeling much less stressed about life and TBT and school and everything, which really helped to be able to talk to her not frustrated. So I went into her room after I got home from the day on campus and gave her some leftover candy from our TBT meeting that morning, and talked to her. We ended up talking for probably at least an hour, with crying, laughing, sharing some serious frustrations we each had about life with each other by the end. The irony was that we were mostly just not communicating. She wanted me to tell her what to do for TBT, and she would do it, and I didn't want to tell her to do anything unless she came to me asking, because otherwise I would have felt like I was burdening her with something she didn't really want to do. So we were just thinking oppositely. And there were also miscommunications and misunderstandings that added to it, things she had done, or not done, that I read into and was offended by, that I just misunderstood or what not. We had both had a week of Hell, basically though, because our relationship was on the rocks. I hadn't realized she was so affected, and she told me she had cried a ton throughout the week, which surprised me, because I had too. But I'm not the type to just come out and tell someone what is wrong, that is very hard for me to do. I need to be asked, otherwise I feel like they don't care about what I'm saying. Anyway, so we had both had a really hard week, which was touching to hear, but hard to hear at the same time. It was a really good talk we had though. Probably the biggest step in being better at communicating that I've ever made.

So things have been much better between us since then.

School is good, BYUSA stuff alternates between slightly stressful and really great. I finally got BYUSA certified--passed the test--the other day, which was a big step of progress, cuz now I can order and purchase stuff for our events. Our kick-off is in 2 weeks from this Tues (today's Sun.), and I'm getting a little ancy/nervous, but everything will be okay, it always is.

Work is..well, I'm not really working much lately. I'm still employed at Courtyard at Jamestown, I'm just PRN, but mostly due to my busy school schedule and with BYUSA stuff, I don't have much time to work. But also, something I've never written about on here, I have been SO BLESSED and got grants for this year that cover EVERYTHING. Tuitions, books, rent, food, everything. I still can't believe how blessed I am to have gotten those. There's even more than all that, and I don't feel so tight on money, which is nice. Like I got to go to the Lion King on broadway up in Salt Lake the other night, which was way fun. But yeah, so I thankfully don't actually need to work, and I'm never dying to or anything, so I just haven't been. But I do like the fact that I am employed somewhere. It's a stable thought I guess.

As far as boys...not much to report on. I so wish I was in a relationship. I just watched Step Up last night, and it did not help. We have a good ward, and there are some good looking guys, I don't know many real well yet, so it's hard to really know what kind of possibilities there are yet. I have this little crush on this guy in my Biomechanics class named Garrett Grizzle (ha--Gurr and Grizzle..:), but that's about it. So yeah...

Church is great. I love going to church in this ward. Today all the talks were fantastic, I had wished I had had a pen to write stuff down. And Sunday School was amazing. We've been going to the Marriage and Family prep class, which is taught by Suzanne Scow, the wife of one of the bishopric, and she is fantastic. Each Sunday I feel a little more prepared for marriage and a little less nervous about it. It's great. Not that I'm anywhere close to getting married, clearly, as aforementioned, but y'know, I like to think it's a good possibility sooner rather than later. And I have re-gained a liking for sunday school now, so that's also been great progress.. :)

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed here soon so I can attempt to get up early and get things done tomorrow. That's one of my new goals is to not waste time and get up earlier and get more done in the morning. And to go to bed earlier...we'll see if that ever happens.

Back to school--and back to trials too...

So through out the summer, and especially the end of it, I felt like I wasn't having any trials, like my life was just peachy, nothing to complain about. Which kind of scared me, because I felt like it had been a while since I had really gone through a trial, and that that could only go on for so long. I felt like I was due for some trials, and that I was probably in the calm before the storm.

I was right.

I am now in a storm.

We just finished the first week of being back in school, and it was slightly stressful, to say the least. It's been stressful trying to figure out my schedule and get into the classes I wanted, and trying to decide which classes to take and when and which ones to drop, etc.

Then there's True Blue Tuesdays. I don't think I've mentioned this in here yet, but BYUSA has asked me to be the director of this new program they're starting this year called True Blue Tuesdays. It's an all-year responsibility, a weekly thing, kind of a big deal. I thought a lot about it, prayed about it (this was all while I was in Texas this July), talked to Tisah about it, talked to Sally, Mom, and decided to do it. I feel like I was blessed with the means to be able to do it, financially and time-wise, so I feel like I'm supposed to do it, but it's been really stressful this week. And here's why. Well, there's just been a lot to plan, I've been behind on my milestones, and the proposal is due this week and I'm supposed to have every week's plans planned down to small details, and I'm not ready, and our budget is small (1400) and so we are trying to get a lot of donations so we can hand out free stuff throughout the semester...and on top of all this, I was planning on having a lot of help from Tisah because she told me she would take half of the hours if I did it, back when I was thinking about it in Texas, and would talk to her about it on the phone, and she was going to be my co- or assistant director. So I was just expecting her to really be involved with it, almost, if not as much, as I am. But it just hasn't happened.

She has her own busy schedule with grad school and work and family and boys, and I don't know if she even really wants to be that involved anymore. We are kind of in a weird place with our relationship.

So she hasn't really been involved much, and since moving in together--which we couldn't wait to do for SOOO long, ironically enough, I feel like we aren't as close as we used to be. She shares a bedroom with Carrie, her friend from her Mapleton ward she used to be in, and they seem to be good friends, and so when we're at home, I'm not the only one getting her attention, or the only one that is close to her, like I used to be in the summer and when she would come over to my apartment. And I'm not a competitive person at all, so when I feel like there is relationship competition--whether with boys or girls--I just tend to kind of back off and put up walls, without thinking about it, really.

So that's kind of what I've done, plus it's been slightly frustrating to not have her help more with TBTs, when I was planning on having her right by my side on it, and it being more and more stressful this week. She also has been sort of starting to date this boy Dave, and they seem to like each other mutually, so she's into him, which leaves little room for thoughts about others, which I can understand, but doesn't make it easier to be the forgotten, stressed best friend.

I've just felt alone this week, with no one really to understand what I'm dealing with, specifically with TBTs, and with no one to care.

Until Friday. I was at the end of my rope, almost to tears, and I had been praying for help, and I so needed someone to talk to, so badly, just to unload and have someone listen and care, when Emily Williams, now McConkie, texted me on Fri morning and was going to be on campus much of the day. I felt like it was definitely a tender mercy of the Lord that she would be on campus and I would be able to see and talk to her.

So that afternoon I met up with her and ended up unloading my whole week's stress on her and telling her about my Tisah situation and asking what I should do about it. She is an incredible listener and really sincerely cares about everything I say, and helped talk me through it and farther figure things out, and what I was really having a hard time with about Tisah. By the end I kind of figured out that maybe she and I were best friends through some times that we needed to be there for each other through (her break up with Steven, by dating and break up and dating and saying goodbye to Steve), and that maybe it was time to move on. That maybe we were to still be friends, but not necessarily best friends. And that that isn't a bad thing, just a hard adjustment to make, I guess.

But I also feel like she's been acting different around me this past week than usual. She hasn't been as caring about what's going on in my life, been more into boys, more into being showy in a way. I'm hoping that will calm down, that it's just a stage from it being the beginning of a new semester and year, and a new apartment with new roommates and new ward.

But through all this, I couldn't be more grateful for Heavenly Father's hand in my life, with prompting Emily to be on campus on Friday and for texting me that she would be. I know that she was supposed to be there for me, and I am so touched that she was. She means so much to me, she and Thomas are so good to me, some of my very best friends. I sometimes wish she wasn't married and we could be roommates after all. But I love Thomas and they are having a baby boy in November, which is really exciting for them.

But today I fasted for and I've been praying for help with Tisah's and my relationship, and with TBTs, and I know that help with come. I have no doubt in my mind. I'm still slightly stressed about TBTs, but I know everything will work out. I have such a knowledge of God's awareness of me, and even the small details in my life. I know, I KNOW, that He hears my prayers and cares about me and about my worries and stresses. I know that is why He sent Emily to campus on Friday, to be there for me. I have no doubt of that. I had even thought about her as the one I needed to talk to about all this, and then He sent her. It was amazing. I feel like I become more and more aware each day and all the time, of God's hand in my life, in so many ways, and small ways. It's absolutely amazing, and I feel so blessed.

And strangely, I've been missing Steve more than ever (minus when he first left) lately, it's been odd. But I have. He called me last weekend and we talked for a while while I unpacked more of my room, and it was so good. Really good. He's so much better at asking me about me and what I'm doing, which has really impressed me. That was one of the main things I didn't love about him. And neither of us are dating anyone it sounds like, and I can tell he still cares about me, to what extent, I'm not sure, but he mentioned being really glad he could talk to me and hear that I'm doing well. I was really touched by that. And it was so good to talk to him. I miss him. I miss having companionship, and someone that cares about how your day was and what's stressing you out, and having someone to cuddle into and hug. I went on a date with Daniel Smith yesterday, our 5th (the first 4 were before I went to TX), hopefully our last, and we went to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point, and the whole time I was wishing I was there with Steve instead. And I've never wished that while on a date with someone else since he left. I don't know what it means, or if it means anything. I've been told by the Spirit that he isn't the one before, more than once I feel like, but sometimes I wonder if it just wasn't the right time, or if I'm just feeling lonely and that's why I miss him... but if he were to offer to fly me out there to visit one weekend or something, I'm pretty sure I would go right now. So I dunno...but I do miss him.

The funny things/memories of EFY

Here are some funny things, or inside jokes I want to remember about EFY, specifically San Antonio 3:

Tony. So much funniness comes with just the thought of him..haha

silly bands

"Want to play 'silly bands'?"

"That is SO FRESH"

"That is so crisp"

Heather's imitation of Tony

My girls' imitation of Heather's imitation of Tony ("So fresh")

the participant and her tail...still not sure

Michelle catching me with the whole loaf of banana bread up to my mouth, and feeling like a little kid caught with their hand in the candy jar.

Our banana bread parties after the kidlans were in bed

Staying up late with Michelle as she told me about her boy (that she has been dating for over a year and STILL hasn't kissed! I was amazed. I also told her she should kiss him...:)

Me and Jane Ann and our immediate intimate friendship :)

Doug actually introducing me and my girls as "The Chiccas" in morningside when we were going to sing, after I said that as a joke and said "Jk, don't say that." It was hilarious.

Singing "Walking in Sunlight" with Michelle and Christina in morningside

Singing "Because I Have Been Given Much" with my girls on the last day in morningside

Back to reality...and God's hand in my life.

I went to work tonight at Courtyard for the first time in like 6 weeks, and I was dreading going, but it turned out to be pretty great actually. I worked with some of my favorite people (Rebekah, Holly, Mallory), and this really nice new girl who is an RM, and I got one of the easiest halls (bottom of 3rd). I felt Heavenly Father answered my prayer to have an enjoyable first shift back, because I was dreading it so much--y'know, going back to reality, back to my real job. But it was a great shift and went by pretty fast.

But I was talking to Willie this afternoon (a resident, such a sweet, funny old man:), and he was telling me how amazing his wife was, and how she had everything (i.e. not just beautiful eyes), and how she was a scriptorian and had taught every class in the Church and was an amazing gospel scholar. He said that people would call to ask her questions all the time about the gospel, that she seemed to always be on the phone with people. He said she taught Gospel Doctrine for years and years and years, and seemed to always get that calling in any ward they moved into.

I was so inspired by this, because I want to know the Gospel and the scriptures so well. Yesterday in church someone gave a talk either on knowledge, or they mentioned knowledge or something, and at the time I had the thought, and desire, to study "knowledge" in my gospel study that afternoon (at and since EFY I've really had the goal to have effective gospel study every day, including topic study often, if not daily). So yesterday and today I studied "knowledge" and loved my study of it. I learned, among other things, that the more knowledge we have, the more light we gain, and the more like God we can become.

I want to be very knowledgeable and very studious of the Gospel and the scriptures. After Willie talked to me all about his wife and this characteristic of her, I had to wonder if it wasn't a coincidence that I felt the desire to, and then studied knowledge yesterday and today, and then had that conversation with Willie this afternoon. I feel like Heavenly Father is possibly motivating or inspiring, or prompting me to really study the scriptures and the Gospel, and to really want to have that kind of knowledge.

I feel motivated, like how I get really motivated to work out after watching "Biggest Loser" or "Losing it with Jillian." It's pretty much the same idea. :)

But anyhow, I'm grateful for it all, even if it were coincidence, which I think it's not. Heavenly Father is too much a part of my life, His hand is too much in my life, and I notice this more and more all the time, for which I am also grateful. I feel like few things are just coincidence. There is a God, and He is our Father, and is VERY aware of His children. Of me. All the time. It's absolutely amazing. I just always know I can trust Him, fully, completely. Everything will always work out when I'm doing what I'm supposed to be, and just believe and trust in Him. It's amazing.

EFY was AMAZING!!!!!

I am sitting in the Denver, CO airport on my layover home to SLC. EFY ended a couple days ago, and I was so sad to see it end. San Antonio 3 session was soo much fun! My co was Tony, and he was great, hilarious, our kids loved him, especially my girls. But my girls were such a blast, they were so awesome!! And I totally miss them, I wish they were coming to BYU this year! I just got to be so close to some of them, and this week was the most spiritual for me. I felt like I was more focused on having the Spirit, and really trying to study for and prepare devotionals and things, and be in tune to know what my girls needed to hear, what I needed to teach them, instead of just teaching on the spot, not having really prayed and prepared. The BC's really emphasized to do that this week, to really prepare spiritually to teach our specific participants, and I'm so glad that they did, because it was so neat to see results. I really felt like I was guided to say things and talk about things that my girls needed, and I'm so grateful for the Spirit, and for a Father in Heaven who knows the lives of all His children, and what they need.

The neatest experience of the week was Thursday night. During testimony meeting, thoughts would come to my mind while different participants were bearing their testimonies, about things I should talk to my girls about that night in devotional. So I would write those things down, and by the end I had a list of about 5 things.

So during devotional, I started with a scripture, my favorite one (D&C 68:6), and then told them that there were a few things I felt like I needed to talk to them about. So then I just went through the list and talked about each one, and on the one specifically for those girls who stand more alone in the gospel in their families, and to be strong and know they are not alone, I became emotional, and the Spirit was so strong, and I knew that is what I needed to be saying and that Heavenly Father wanted those girls to know that He is so proud of them and is very aware of them, and that He needed them to keep being strong. I was specifically talking to Savannah and also Celeste, the two who had mentioned their family situation being such that they are more or less alone in living the gospel. They were both emotional as well, and it seemed like others were too. But it was just so neat, such a blessing to feel so guided and so prompted to know what to say. I just felt so much love for these girls, and am so so impressed with them for how strong they are. I don't know if I could do that, be that strong by myself like that, which may be why Heavenly Father didn't give me that trial, and I told them that. I just want to be there for them all so bad, and help them through these hard times. I so wish they could see in the future how worth it it will be to stay strong.

But it was just so neat to feel such an amazing love for these girls, who I hadn't known even five days yet, and the Spirit so strong that night. After we ended and prayed, I went to Savannah, who was on my right, and while we were still on our knees, I just hugged her, and we just hugged and cried together. It was such a tender moment, and I felt so blessed to be there for her. She just cried and cried, and hugged me like she never wanted to let go. Eventually I asked her if she wanted to talk after, and she said yes, so we got some tissues, and then practiced our song with the group that we would sing the next day in morningside, and then the others all left and she stayed behind. We sat up in my room and talked for over an hour, and she told me about her family and what was hard, and the situation. It was so neat to be able to do that, because I felt like she was the reason, at least part of, if not all, why I needed to do that session. She also felt like she was supposed to be in my group. She is very mature for her age, she will be a senior this year, and wants to come to BYU after she graduates. She also may try out for Juliard, she is brilliantly talented in piano and voice. I told her she should try out. :)

But from the time we had "Meet your Counselor" at the beginning of the week, she stuck out to me. Perhaps just as the most mature one, but I felt like we would be friends, similar to Haylee, in San Antonio 2 session.

But the week was so much fun. Pizza night (aka "silly band party!":) was such a blast, and that is when my girls and I really cliqued. Half of them named Tony (my co) as their COW, or one of their COWs, and from them on it was hilarious to talk about him. A lot of the girls said that Tony and myself were the best counselors they had ever had, which was so fun to hear. Aubrey said that multiple times at the end of the week, which made me so happy, because at the beginning of the week, she didn't want to be there, and was faking having fun, and I so wanted her to love the week. By the end she really did, and I am so grateful for that. She was so much fun to be around, she and Morgan and Natalie brought out the crazy side in me, and we were all crazy together, it was so much fun! I felt like they were like my roommates! :D I really miss them, I wish this last session especially, could have lasted like another week (minus the sleep deprivation part...).

But alas, life must go on. It was so fun to spend a good chunk of my summer in San Antonio, Texas, and though I was a little worried that I'd be sick of being in Texas by the end, I'm totally not. I would have loved to stay longer, either to do more EFY or hang out with Sally and Joe and Peter and Lindsay and the kids more, or both. It was an amazing 5 1/2 weeks, and I would love to do it again next summer.

If I am not married by next summer, I definitely plan on doing EFY again, and doing at least some sessions in Texas, because that's where it's at! :)

Signing out, Melissa

Week Off, Tending Gurr kids, EFY Week 3!!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote on here! After Week 2 of EFY, which was such a blast, with Weston as a co, and such great girls, and guys, I had a week off and just hung out with family. I stayed mostly at Joe and Sally's, a couple nights at Peter and Lindsay's, Mom and Grandma Froerer were at Joe and Sally's for a few more days while I was off, to help Sally with the new baby. We went to the Alamo, hung out in Sally's nice air conditioned house, watched movies, etc.

That week I also went with Lindsay and the kids to Sea World, which was really fun! I felt like a kid! We just went for a few hours in the morning, to the water park, then home for naptime, then that night we went back, with Peter there, to a couple of the shows--the dolphin show, and Shamu show. They were both seriously amazing! I loved them! I could have watched them for hours! Peter, Joey, and I also went on the "Journey to Atlantis" ride, which was a lot of fun, we got drenched!

Then last week Peter and Lindsay went on a cruise to the Bahamas and around there, and I got to tend their kids while they were gone. Ha. It was quite the experience. I definitely did not realize what I was agreeing to do when they asked me. I still love the boys, but I do not want to be a mother anytime soon, to say the least. They just fight a lot, and you're constantly disciplining, and pulling them off each other, and putting them in time out on the stairs. That was tiring. I just got really tired of disciplining. That was the hardest part of the week. And the kids, Joey and Kimball, are each really pretty good on their own, but together, they can't go more than like 5 min without taking each other's toys or hitting the other, or yelling at the other, or spitting, or doing something to irritate the other into fighting. Ahh! But it really was a good experience, and we did have some fun times, including going to the pool, going to the gym, feeding the ducks at the park with Sally, Caleb, and baby Ella; we played with toys, watched cartoons, made banana bread, played Dora bingo, hung out with Sally and the kids, played outside in the water and with bubbles... it was quite the week. One I thought would never end, but alas, I survived!! :)

Now I am back at EFY, San Antonio 3, and it is so fun! The week started out fine, not as amazing as my last one, but it's gotten so good! Tonight (Wed) was games night, then pizza night, and it has been such a blast! I love my girls. Tonight they were cracking me up, and we were all laughing so hard together, it was so fun! At games night we tied for winner at the cheer-off, which was so exciting! We all wanted to win so much, Tony and I had given in to praying for it...:), and the kids wanted it so bad. So that was way awesome, totally made my night. And then our pizza party also included grapes, ice cream sandwhiches, peanut butter m&m's, and silly bands! Silly bands are these rubber band bracelets that come in all sorts of shapes of different things. They are totally the thing right now, it's pretty funny. But I like 'em. So I got a bunch at WalMart today for the girls, and they were so excited. The funniest thing about our pizza party was how in love with Tony like half the girls are. I was dying listening to them talk about him. I wish I could have filmed the whole night.

One of the highlights of this week has been that Weston is here again. He's so great, I still really like him, or he's still my COW, I should say. :) He asked me to dance last night, and it was so fun. I love talking to him, and he always twirls me at the end of the song, which really does something for me, it's so attractive to me, I don't know why, but I love it. :)

Anyway, I have to go to bed, but I am so blessed. EFY is an amazing experience, spiritually, and not just for the kids. I know I get as much, if not more, out of it, as the kids do. I am so grateful to be here and have the amazing opportunity to be a part of this program. My testimony has grown and I feel like I will definitely go home a better person with better habits. It is so fun to teach the Gospel again and bear testimony so often. I love EFY!

Week 2=SO FUN!!

So the week ended really really well. We had an amazing company, they were all friends, they weren't clicky (sp?), the girls and I all got really close, our guys were great gentlemen and so sweet, I loved working with Weston, my co, and definitely had a big crush on him y the end of the week (still have:); it wasn't quite as hot this last week--still humid, but not as scorching hot; it didn't rain this week, my feet were in much better condition, I had sandals to wear,...so many great things about the week.

My personal drama with Breck turned out better than I felt at my last entry. Later in the week I found out (he told me) that he had been way tired at the beginning of the week, he had a bunch of hard and frustrating boys, he was in fact sick on Tues. (with diarrhea, poor guy), so those are probably some of the main reasons he was acting differently. I got over him on Wed., which is when I really started having a crush on Weston. We hung out together a lot on Wed., during classes and such, cuz we had some of the same duties during classes and what not. So we went to a couple classes together, and were on class duty outside right near each other once, so we talked and chatted and joked around a bunch that day, it was really fun! He's an awesome guy, and he goes to BYU as well, and lives in the Colony actually. So I'm excited he'll be in Provo in the Fall.

So then on Friday, at the dance, as my crush on Weston is in full swing (after he swing danced with me--SO FUN with him!--and also slow danced with me too..), I was just standing there by myself at one point, watching people and what not, and Breck came up to me and started talkimg to me. He brought up Mary, and how Kari thinks he likes her and I told him she's not the only one who thinks that. And I said that with kind of an accusatory/bitter tone. I didn't mean for it to come out like that, but it just did; I think because he had gotten my hopes up and then crushed me. But when I said that he said I know, and then looked at me and said I don't. I then looked at him with a questioning look, and he looked at me very seriously and again said, "I don't." I don't know what to think of it, I'm trying not to think anything of it, cuz I got crushed by him once already. But deep down I would really love to get to know him better. And he told me that he is planning on transferring to one of the schools in Provo, in January. So who knows what that could bring..

I gotta go to sleep, I'll try to add more tomorrow.

2nd week of EFY...I'm EXHAUSTED.

So the entry last night was supposed to be longer and more to it, but I was so dead last night from the day and lack of sleep, I kept falling asleep, so I just put my laptop away.

But this week is my second week of EFY, as a counselor, and it's going really well. I love my co, Weston, he is so great! Shannon (my roommate last week) was co's with him last week, and loved him, so I was excited when I found out we were co's. And we have the 16-18 year olds this week, so they are older and more mature than the younger ones, and our company is so great! I love my girls, they are so great, and so much more unified than my girls last week. None of them came with a friend, so they have all bonded pretty well so far, which makes me so happy. They are definitely more mature than my last girls, at least for the most part, which has been really nice and fun. I especially love Haylee, who is the most mature of the group, and she is so down to earth, and has found herself, and is very strong spiritually. She also reminds me a lot of Rachel, my cousin. I also really love Marissa, she's kind of the drama queen in our group, but so adorable and so hilarious.

Our guys are really great too, they are a lot more mature and respectful than some of the guys in my company last week. They are so great about escorting the girls, which impresses me greatly, I love it. We have 2 more guys than girls, so sometimes a boy will ask to escort me, it's sweet. I especially love Jon, he is such a sweet guy. He wanted me to teach him some other variety moves besides twirling, before the dance, it was cute. But all our guys this week are pretty great, they like me and say hi when they see me and everything. They make me feel so loved. :)

So back to the Breck situation--so it had/has been bothering me so much (the behavior change) that last night and today I've been praying about it, to know what to do. Today he was still acting a lot less energetic and friendly, and it was really bothering me. I kept wondering if it was me...cuz last week things seemed mutual, or so I trying not to get my hopes up for, and failing. And I became more interested in him than was safe, so I started, without trying to, acting like I didn't notince him, kind of ignored him when he was around, cuz I had such a crush on him. Doesn't make sense, I know, but it just happens. Sally and I decided it's a girl thing to do that. Kind of ironic. So this week I've been wondering if his change in behavior had anything to do with how I kind of blew him off on Sat. before leaving for the weekend. I didn't blow him off, I just didn't talk to him or anything. But, so I was wondering if it was cuz I did that on Sat. or whatever. But then it dawned on me today that maybe something was wrong with him, so the next time I got a chance to talk to him, which was as we were in line to go into Morningside, I said hi and asked if he was okay. He just looked at me and smiled a straight, closed smile. I asked him again, thinking he may not have heard me, and the same smile. so then I figured something was wrong, so then I was concerned about him the rest of the day.

Then tonight at the dance I finally got to ask him and he had actually been really sick with the runs all morning, poor guy. That made me feel better that I knew what had been wrong, but he still wasn't as friendly to me as he was last week, and I now feel kind of crushed, or rejected. I let myself like him too much too fast, and now I'm slightly hurt, cuz I feel like he is no longer interested. Maybe he never was, but he sure seemed like it. I was really impressed with him last week.

I just hate this rejected feeling, I've felt it so many times in my life, and in recent years I try not to let myself like a guy enough to get rejected when I almost always find out it's not mutual, or when nothing happens. I have such small confidence when it comes to being attractive to guys or being desirable, so to speak. I just feel like I'm not, that I'm still the awkward, ugly girl I was in like junior high, or what not. That's an exaggeration, but not by much. I just want to badly for a guy to like me back who I am very attracted to. I feel like it never happens and almost like it never will. And now that I'm okay with the dating exclusively and marriage idea (thanks to Steve, dating him got rid of those fears), that's hard for me.

And now I'm starting to have a little secret crush on Weston. He is so great, and so sweet. When we were all learning the Fox Trot at the dance, he immediately picked me as a partner, which meant more to me than he would probably ever believe. He was such a great partner, we had so much fun dancing together, and he is a good partner. We were spinning and doing different things. Then the rest of the night I was secretly just wanting to be around him, he felt like my home base.

I am a mess. And I am so exhausted, I don't know if I can even get up from the hall floor here in Suzana Hall.

Oh, ps, Jane Ann is my roommate this week, and we are having so much fun together, we have become such good friends already. She is the one dating Mat. And they are co's this week, which is funny. But I just love her. :)

Goodnight!

So last week turned out pretty good overall, it was really exhausting, hotter than heck, and frustrating at times (our kids), but it was a lot of fun. The funnest part, to be honest, was the socializing with other counselors. Shannon, my roommate, and I became really good friends, and it was so much fun to room with her and hang out with her at the dances and what not. Last week was her first week too, so we were both new, it was great. Also, having crushes on male counselors made things really fun and exciting, I won't deny that. :) I started the week with a crush on Adam McDonald (really tall and thin, red hair), one sort of on Brandon (THE returned missionary, as the youth called him--he had just returned from his mission the day before training on Sat., and I met him at training, and we became instant friends, he was really great, and all the girls had a crush on him :), but then had more of a crush on Breck by about half-way through the week. We kind of "met" and became friends at the dance on Tues. and loved saying hi through the rest of the week. We matched each other on Thurs (my skirt and his tie), and he was the one that came up to me and pointed that out...loved that! :):) But yeah, by the end of the week I was actually really attracted to Breck, and it seemed like it may have been mutual, but I was trying not to get my hopes up, and I wasn't doing very well...

But this week Breck has been a little bit different this week, more, like, distant. Not so friendly and chipper-like. I don't know why, but it's bothering me.

EFY Day 1

I have successfully survived my first day as an EFY counselor. I am completely exhausted. My legs are totally dead tired and just want to stretch out and be elevated, I have a blister starting on one of my right toes, I am so sticky from sweating more than profusely today, and I just want to crash in bed. But it was a really fun day! I really enjoy working with my co-, Mat, who goes by "M-A-T." This is his fourth year, and at the training meeting on Sat., he was one of my "potentials," but he is actually dating another counselor (and they have been for a year and a half), so that immediately knocked him off the list. But that's fine. I'm actually not so attracted to him as I thought I could be, so it's great. We work well together, and he seems to like me, or at least respect me and want to be unified, which I really appreciate. After my experience as a Y Group Leader for summer New Student Orientation (a few weeks ago, so fun!), with my partner, who was totally not on the same page as me and we didn't work together much, he was...interesting; but after that I am so grateful to have a partner who is much more on the same page and easy to work together with. Mat is great.

I also really enjoy this other counselor named Adam McDonald. He likes to pretend he is from Scotland, for his boys on the first day. We met last night at the counselor 4th of July celebration we had, while watching fireworks and having cake and watermelon and milk, and he's really cool. He's funny and nice, and we were also partners for the Orientation dance today. He tried to help me learn it too, it was nice. He's cool. I secretly hope we get to dance at the dances...hehe. :)

So my roommate is Shannon, and she is awesome. She's from Houston, I think, and we get along so well together, it's awesome. This is her first week ever too, so we are in the same boat, it's great. She's dating this guy, and they've been dating for 3 weeks only, but they like each other so much, it's so cute.

Quote of the day: on one of Shannon's girl's get-to-know-you sheets, on the question "Who do you most want to be like?" she put "Christ! Duh! :) I (heart) him!" Oh my goodness, so funny! Love it.

Tisah, Daniel, Joel, and now TEXAS!

I just arrived in Texas and am here at Peter and Lindsay's house in San Antonio. I feel like I was just here, which was actually about 8 months ago, almost exactly. My flights went pretty well, my first one left late and almost made me (and others connecting to that same flight) miss our connecting flight, but luckily there were enough of us that they waited. And the guy I sat next to on my 2nd flight (James) agreed to let me have a BOM sent to him, and said he would read it (he's read parts before) and pray about it! It felt so good to share the gospel again, I so miss it.

I have a lot to catch up on in here, but here's a summary of what's going on in my life:

Since school ended (SO glad to not be in school right now) I've mostly been working (at Courtyard at Jamestown), getting quite a few shifts, and playing with Tisah. :) Tisah Quarnberg is my best friend, I love her. We are both extremely single and have made a pack that if one starts dating someone, that someone better provide a brother or a roommate or a cousin, or someone for the other, because it just won't work out anymore for one to be dating someone while the other isn't. Though we will allow a 2 week window, but that's our max.

A couple weeks ago (June 20?) she and I road-tripped it up, in her car, to none other than Big Piney, Wyoming, to see Joel's (Elder Anderson) second homecoming. We surprised him, and he was SO surprised! It was so great! We left at just before 5 am (got up at 4:25) and made it to his 9 am ward up there (his old ward, now he lives in Lyman, WY) very on time, even early enough to finish putting on makeup, get dressed in the car, etc. The whole day was a blast, to hang out with Tisah all day and talk a ton, and to see Joel. It was so good.

That whole week Tisah and I did something together almost every day. We're practically dating. :) We went to the pool (across the street at Liberty Square:) one day, to a movie another, made dinner together and watched one on my laptop...what else.. I just love her, we have so much fun together. And we don't really have many other friends (or so we say:), so we just hang out with each other. :)

I have gone on 2 more dates with Daniel....y'know, I don't think I've written about him in here yet...hmm. Daniel Smith is this kid who was in my English class just this last semester (Spring) and I totally had a crush on him, and even weaseled my way into the same group as him for the group paper. It was so fun to work on with him, and I wanted him to get my number (we did exchange.."just in case," he said:) and to ask me out, which he did. Our first date we went hiking, and it was a lot of fun, we were able to talk the whole time really easily. Second date we met up at Spoon it Up, right by J-Dawgs south of campus, and got ice cream together, which was amazing. Then this last tues he took me to dinner at Applebees, which was really good, and then last night we went and saw Toy Story 3, which was hilarious. Loved it.

Now, four dates, that's kind of a lot. Do I like him? Now, I would lean more toward yes. It's not that I have ever not liked him, there's actually nothing about him I could say I don't like (well, except his name, I've never wanted to marry a Smith...). I just haven't been feeling it. And it dawned on me a couple nights ago, it's because he doesn't flirt a whole lot. He's funny, and sometimes he teases me, but not a whole lot of flirtation, which I now realize is important. And he hasn't been at all physical, which I appreciate in the beginning, but now that we know each other better and we've gone on a few dates, I was wanting something to happen last night, like for him to hold my hand, but I got nothin'. I'm most attracted to him when I'm with him. And last night he smelled SOO good, and I was loving it (such a turn on!). I was trying to help him out with the physical advancement, and I was leaning pretty good toward his chair, not trying to stay in my own space really, and at times our arms were touching, but then he would move, like he didn't want to be touching or something. It's weird. Now I think he's chicken. Either that or he hasn't wanted to do anything because he knew I was leaving for Texas for 5 weeks. But we are still side-hugging for crying out loud! Yes, we side-hugged again last night. But that's fine.

But he does smell really good. Mmmm. :)

Then there's Joel. I love him, I really do. This last Sat (a week ago) he actually came down from WY to hang out with me, so in the morning we went to our ward service project, then we (and a bunch of friends and aquaintances from the ward) floated the Provo River down the canyon, and then a bunch of us and he went to the Lehi Rodeo that night. It was so much fun to hang out with him and be around him. At the rodeo I was really wishing he didn't have to leave to drive back that night (he had to teach EQ at church the next morning), and I was dreading the time when he would have to leave. I just loved sitting next to him and being with him, it felt so good, and so right and comfortable. After we got back from the rodeo and he dropped Tisah, Keri (Zeller), and me off, they all left and he and I talked by his car for a bit and it was so great. I was totally wanting and willing to kiss him. We hugged a couple times goodbye, nothing else. But I walked in the door and Jen (my Korean roommate, love her:) talked to me about Joel for a while and I just told her how much I loved him, and it was just the major height difference that was my obstacle. He is 5'2'', if I have never mentioned that. Yes, very short. But he's amazing and we have such a unique and strong emotional bond, a relationship unlike I've had with anyone else. We can talk for hours on the phone, and we do talk almost every night.

Jen, surprisingly (she is inactive and has been for 2+ years), suggested that I need to fast and pray about him to know if I should really pursue him like that or not. I agreed with her, so I started praying about him that night, and I asked Heavenly Father to help me to know if I should pursue him romantically or what not. Then on Sunday, for some reason, my feelings for him totally changed. Well, not totally, I still love him a ton, but those romantic feelings weren't there anymore. It was really strange, it was a huge change, basically overnight. And I didn't know what did it really. Later I realized maybe it was Heavenly Father answering my prayer. I don't know. But I also realized that I think I stopped feeling romantic toward him because I realized that Joel is still finding himself. And I love him more as a friend than I could describe, we are so close, and I would do anything for him. But I need someone who already has that confidence and surety in himself and that life experience, of just time.

The hard thing is that I think he is in love with me. I know he loves me and would literally do anything for me. But I think that there is more. Part of me thinks that he would ask me to marry him if he thought I'd say yes. And it's hard for me because I love talking to him, I love being with him. And I'm not totally ruling out the possibility of us, but it would need to be a ways down the road, after he has more found himself. And I'm not saying it's bad that he still is, and I try to help him all the time realize how great he is and stuff, but I just really would like to marry a guy who already has found that. But the great thing is that Joel has come so far, since the mission. He used to be so hurt by short jokes. And the other night he was crackin' some way funny short jokes to me about himself, I was dying! It was hilarious, and it made me so happy and proud.

But he does know I've gone on multiple dates with Daniel, that came out on Tues, when we were texting and I had to go cuz Daniel was going to be here soon, and I didn't want to just stop texting Joel. Later that night we were texting and Joel was asking more about Daniel and what not, and I got the feeling it was hard for him to hear I was going on dates with someone else, but since then he seems more fine. And I'm glad he knows, it makes things between us more..comfortable, casual? I dunno. But I'm just glad he knows. I want him to be looking for other girls too.

Anyway, this is really long and it's now almost 1 am here in TX. Tomorrow I have training for my first week of EFY, and I'm so excited about it all. Partly cuz I got new pants and new shoes and a new hair cut and I feel pretty cute. :) Ha. I'm way excited to be a counselor though.

Goodnight!

Spring finals are over!!!

So I have clearly failed at my serious goal. This last week has been SO busy though, which I wasn't going to let be an excuse, but alas, here we are. This week has been the last day of class and then finals, which ended today, and I am done!!! It feels SOOO good to be done with finals, and school in general for a while. Spring semester is crazy! It goes so fast and it was a lot harder than people make it sound. But my classes turned out pretty well, and I feel like I've learned a lot and had some really good experiences and made some fun new friends in the past 8 weeks. And I have 2 more generals done! Yay! I think I only have 2 left. Hallelujah.

Highlights of the week:

work has been good, I actually worked 3 full shifts this week, on Sunday, tuesday, and yesterday (wed). Sunday I worked in enhanced care (EC), covering for Anna, and I was pretty nervous because I hadn't worked on that side (dementia/Alzheimer's side) since before my mission. But the night turned out really great. The 2 other girls working that day were both super nice and friendly and helpful (Holly and Megan), and the activities girl was really nice and fun to talk to, and really good with the residents, she was fun to watch. The funniest part of the night was the new resident, Jane. Poor lady, she just doesn't want to be there, and feels like her family doesn't like her anymore, which is why they put her there. It's sad, but she constantly says, "I hate you! I hate everyone in here! I hate this place!" and at first I was intimidated because people like that are almost always combative, and she was slightly at first. I was worried she wouldn't let me help her with her brief, or into her pj's, etc. But she was actually very cooperative, she just told me, "I hate you!" a lot of the time. Whenever she would say it to me or one of the other PCA's, we would just say, "I know, I know" in a kind voice. She said it so much it started to become entertaining to me. She is great.

Another highlight at work: yesterday I was on top of 2nd, and Fay Perry had just gotten back from the hospital, after being gone for a month or so. I have always been nervous to help him because he doesn't like help, and swears at you telling you to get the heck out of his room. So then he just sits there in a wet brief all the time, but he won't let you help him. But last night, he was on my hall and he was so tired and didn't feel great, which may have been why, but he was so cooperative and so much nicer than usual, I was so happy! He had a blowout after dinner, with diarrhea and such, and after a minute, he let me clean him up and get him some clean clothes. It was so nice, and I was so grateful that he was so cooperative. I felt like it was a tender mercy, that's for sure.

And tonight we had a fun lasagna dinner here, with Emma, Jen, and me, and Tisah and Justin Clayson (Steve's old roommate here), and Justin's sister. It was so much fun, Justin is such a fun and awesome guy to talk to. He is so real and down to earth, and not flirtatious, which I really appreciate. Then Tisah and I watched "She's the Man," which we love, and then I emailed Doug, from EFY (still trying to decide what to do about 4th of July of week 1 of EFY). and then I went and watched the 2nd half of "Sabrina" with Emma, Carcie, and Angela downstairs in Crown 5. Love that movie.

Elder Anderson called during Tisah's and my movie, but we didn't talk long cuz I was watching a movie, but when I called back and left a message, he hasn't called back yet. But it was great to hear his voice tonight. I love that he just called. I miss people doing that.

Anyway, I gotta go to bed, my eyes are shutting. I'm running on about 3-4 hours of sleep, cuz of finals today. And I have NSO tomorrow all day, starting at 8:30, which should be fun. So goodnight!

"Low eighties"

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got up at a reasonable hour, and even got a decent amount of sleep. I felt very rested, it was awesome! I mostly just got things done here at my apartment all morning and early afternoon, like cleaned, worked out a little, showered, wrote my Humanities arts encounter paper (1 page), did banking stuff online, etc. It was a pretty productive morning/early afternoon. Then I went to work for Jill, whom I love, at 3-10, and work was so good! I drew bottom of 2nd, which has Cherae, my favorite (not). I decided yesterday that I was just going to keep getting that section until I learn to love her. And yesterday, for some reason, we got along so well, and she was actually appreciative of me, and nice all day. A miracle actually took place: she didn't get mad at me ONE TIME!!!! That has never happened to me, ever. Not ever since I worked there in May 2007, I'm pretty sure. A
Anyway, it was amazing. Absolutely miraculous. She even told me that she really liked me and that she wished I could help her every day. Ha! I never in my life expected to hear that from her. She clearly doesn't remember that I'm the same girl she kicked out of her room a few years ago (for something like not doing up her sandal buckles exactly perfectly...). Though, I wasn't the only one she did that to, so I probably don't stick out as much as you'd think, for that reason.
Anyway, also Bob (224) was on my hall of course, and he was also very pleasant yesterday. I think because I figured out that he really likes to be given choices, and the opportunity to make choices, as opposed to being forced to do things, or doing things in a different order than he likes. So yesterday I was all about choices with him, starting with going in shortly after getting there, to change his inevitably wet brief. Usually he will let me, but is not happy about it. So I went in, expecting this same routine, but I guess I got lucky. I squatted down to his eye level and just told him why I was there: to help him to get a dry brief if he needed one, and he immediately, and kindly, said that yes, he needed a brief change. Then I asked him if he would like to do it in the bathroom or right there where he was (by his chair--some residents like to change just right there, if they don't need to use the toilet), and he said in the bathroom, which I was glad about. It's much easier in the bathroom, with the bars to hold onto, etc.
And he was happy with me/liked me pretty much the whole day. Well, except I guess when he felt like I wasn't coming to get him for dinner and rolled out to the elevator himself, though he said he was looking for me and remembered my name, which I was happy with. :) Residents rarely remember (or use) your name, which is fine, there's a lot of us, and they're old. :)
The funniest thing of the shift happened right before I went home. I went into Bob's room one more time just before 10 pm (put him to bed around 6 pm) to change his brief, and normally he is asleep when I go in for that, but this time right after I walked in and turned the living room light on he shouted, "Hello!" Then I changed his brief and everything, as he seemed wide awake, though things he was saying, including wanting to get up and go to his chair in the living room, made me wonder if he was kind of still asleep... So I took him to his chair and got him situated, and he asked me how old I was. I don't usually ask people to guess because age is so hard to guess, but last night I thought it would be fun to hear what he said. I asked him and he looked at me for a bit, and finally, after much thought, he said, "Low eighties." I chuckled to myself, but wanted to be sure that's what he said. I said, "Did you just say 'low eighties'?" And he said yes. Hahahahaha!!! I was dying! I told him I am 23, and he was absolutely floored at my "young" age. It was hilarious!
As I was about to leave his room he wanted to get back into bed, and as I was putting him back in, he was still talking about my age, and couldn't get over how young I was. It was so so funny. I am proud to say I apparently look in the low eighties to some. :) Definitely something to brag about.

Daily goal

So I have made a serious new goal to write in my journal every night, and since I have created this eJournal, hopefully my goal will actually be attained. It's so much less daunting to think of writing in my journal when I can just get on the internet and type it.
So I was going to write a whole great entry, that I'm sure would have been long, about my recent crush in my English class, Daniel Smith, and Elder Anderson updates, how I'm pretty much over Steve, and whatever else, but due to getting sucked into facebook just now for about the last hour (it's almost 1:30 am right now), I am going to go to bed. I changed my sheets to not-so-wintry sheets and bedding tonight, and I am really excited to go get in them, and hopefully not wake up roasting anymore, like I did today (I still had my flannel sheets and corderoy comforter...yeah, it's June.).
Anyway, life is good, today was a good day--I went to school, we gave our group presentation on our collaborative paper, I sat by Daniel all class and he is so funny, Humanities was good (despite falling asleep, of course)--we got our 2nd test back, and I got an A-!!! So much better than my first test C-...I was thrilled. Then I came home and got called to work, so worked half a shift from 2-6, which was great, I really like all the girls that were working, I'm getting to be better and better friends with them. Then came home, went running and worked out for a bit across the street at the Liberty Square workout room; then came home and Emma and I watched "Clash of the Titans" later, for a Humanities assignment I have. And I think I've decided to go to Stadium of Fire...and Elder Anderson will be coming if I do...! That will be SO fun. I just love him.

Elder Anderson is "home"!!

Elder Anderson called me tonight!!! I'm on such a high!!! And I need to be doing TONS of homework...oh well. :) He is not technically home yet because he is touring the mission with his parents for a few days, but I got to talk to him tonight and it totally made my day. I had just sat down on the cement "curb" in the middle of campus and started reading for Humanities when my phone rang, and I didn't recognize the number so I almost didn't get it. But after just a couple seconds of saying hello, and he said hello, I first thought it was Elder Treu, cuz he got home this week too. But then I realized it was Elder Anderson, and I couldn't believe it. We had a really great conversation, he is in the surreal stage, poor guy. I don't envy him at all for being on his way home. That was the hardest time of my life. But we talked for like 25 min, and conversation came so easily. I'm on a huge high from talking to him again, it did not feel like it's been more than 8 months since we last talked. I just love him, it was so so great to talk to him. I know I already said that, but man, it was. I so wish he was taller..

Joe Boyer, secret crush

So I ran into Joe Boyer today on campus, and I can't really stop thinking about him. I have told no one about this, but it was so good to see him and talk to him. I had just come out of the JFSB, heading toward the SWKT to take a nap on the grass, and he was coming the opposite direction. We haven't run into each other in a few months I think, and it was so great. We hugged as soon as we got to each other, and it was the first time we've ever hugged. And I don't know if I am just in masculine-touch withdrawals or what, but it was such a good hug. It was significantly good, really. It felt kind of like it felt when I first started hugging Steve for real. Just so comfortable and so right. I can't really fully put into words the feeling, but yeah, there was something about hugging him that felt really right. Then we ended up chatting for a little while, maybe like 10 or 15 min, about school and the future, graduation, the campus ducks (which we both think are hilarious, previously, it was great), how guys with wife-beaters look really weird on BYU campus, who I was recently dating, who he has been dating (a girl who is now on a mission in Paris, and a girl named Paris, who is on study abroad in Paris, and both know each other now..that was funny.), etc. Whenever I talk to him I always laugh so much, and he is so easy to talk to and joke around with, it's so fun. He is so comfortable to talk to and be around. He thinks I'm funny, and he's funny too. I think we make a great combo. And as always, he made a remark about us hanging out, but no actual invitation or definite plans. This time, he was like, "we need to party it up this summer." I would love to hang out with him, but it makes me wonder if he would really like to, or if he's just saying that, cuz he always says something like that, but he's never done anything about it. Is he just seeing if I will make a move? I dunno. But it's okay, because I would love to even just hang out with him, he's so much fun. And he's older (26), which is very nice. So I want to invite him to do something, next time we do something fun with a group...when that will be..? No idea. I don't have time for things like that right now. Probably after this Spring semester ends, which thankfully is in about 2 weeks--holy cow, that's so soon! Yes! But I just really like talking to and joking with him, it's so fun. And I feel like he is someone I could really talk to for hours. Anyway, I feel like I needed to write about this.
And to add to the subject of Joe Boyer, I haven't found anything I don't like about him. He even dresses the way I'm attracted to, including how he wears athletic shoes a lot (I love that). And he's a good size/build for me, a good height. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my homework now. :)