Welp, Tinder continues to prove disappointing, time and time again. You get on, it's exciting for a while, or every now and then it seems exciting and like something great could come of it, and then guys continue to disappoint.
McKay #1 didn't happen. McKay #2 didn't respond to my last message for 6 days and then last night randomly messaged me and said, "I don't know Tinder etiquette, but I think we should go to dinner. What do you think?" Haha, what the? Well, hello again.. But I said, "Haha, sure!" about 30 min later, and haven't heard from him since. Whatever. And Brett, the cute bald guy, we are planning on jamming on our guitars together, after he is done with finals on May 9, but since planning this and what songs we are going to play (All for You by Sister Hazel, and Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran), he's not the best conversationalist. Mostly I've conducted convo and he'll answer my questions, but that's about it.
So needless to say, my hopes are not up in regards to any of these fellows.
As far as the Andy situation...oh man, how much I go back and forth about the whole thing is ridiculous. The other night he hadn't texted me back for a few hours and I thought he was probably trying to give me the hint to move on, and I lost it and cried in my pillow and begged Heavenly Father to let him text me back. I needed him to text me back. I was so afraid of letting him go.
The next morning he had, and we texted back and forth a bunch that day and night, and it was great.
And then last night, as I was showering after work, I just had some thoughts again, as I have had every now and then in the past, that he isn't the one. That I love him and I will miss him, as I do even now, but that there is someone else who I will have more fun with, and that will be more natural to imagine marrying. And that thought was okay. My one thing now, as far as the thought of being with someone else, I just really need that someone else to treat me like Andy has. He has set a REALLY high bar, as far as that goes, and how touchy he is, in such a good way. That is one of my favorite things about him, and about our relationship, is that he was always so touchy and made me feel so wanted and attractive. And I really want that in any relationship and marriage. So I told Heavenly Father that. I love to be touched, that is one of my love languages, for sure, physical touch.
On a totally different note, yesterday I worked a day shift, and it was a good, busy shift, but the highlight of my day was this: I needed to take out and put a new foley catheter in my new admit, and I remembered that Brian, one of our HCAs, and a boy who is cute, and I like (not romantically, I just like the kid, we have pretty much followed the same education path: exercise science at BYU, accelerated nursing program at the U, and he is about to graduate this summer, a year after I did), is in nursing school, about to start his capstone semester. We have been becoming better friends, so I told him I needed to put in a catheter, and would he want to come do it? He is person of little enthusiastic emotion, he usually seems pretty serious, even though he definitely can laugh and be fun. So he didn't seem like he really wanted to, but I told him not to feel obligated at all, but if he was interested, to come to room 1 in a few minutes.
Well, he did! I was sort of surprised, but as he was there, I took out the old catheter, and then helped him get set up with the new kit, and kind of walked him through it. And he did just fine, he did great. I could tell he was nervous, I think he was shaking just a tiny bit, which probably even the family member helping hold the patient probably couldn't tell, but he did great. And later I told him good job and he thanked me for letting him do it, and for watching out for him. And that just totally made my day, because I couldn't even tell if he had really even wanted to, he showed absolutely no positive emotion towards the idea, so I thought he might have even been annoyed or what not. But he was glad, and grateful! And that just made my day that I was blessed to have had the idea to let him do it, and that he was glad he got to, that I was able to provide someone else a positive learning experience. Paying it forward, y'know?
Anyway, that was really neat.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
When it rains, it pours
So last week it had been 10 days since Andy and I had texted, which is a long time for us; and even longer since he had initiated texting. But he's so busy with finishing school, it's not a big deal (and I say that like he SHOULD be texting me, like we're actually dating...oh man..). But I texted him because I saw on facebook that he was done with classes, so we chatted about that, I told him congrats, etc. Then a couple days later I send him a finals week/congrats on graduating package, inspired by this awesome Batman watch I found on clearance at Walmart last week. So when he got that on like Friday, he of course texted me, and had a great reaction to it:
you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha
haha Randy just brought me in a package from outside and I was like,"what? I didn't order anything from Amazon recently.." Haha! thanks so much, that was a really nice surprise!
And I was like, haha, you're welcome :)
Then he was like, "the batman watch is amazing"
So that kind of made my day, him getting the package and having such a good reaction to it. Then we ended up texting back and forth throughout the day and the next.
Anyway, during all this, over the weekend, some good things were happening with some guys on Tinder (Tinder is so hit and miss), and one guy, McKay, even set up a date with me for next Sat. He's cute, seems fine, nothing that I'm stoked out of my mind about or anything, but it could be fun. And then there's Brett, the cute bald guy. He started chatting with me more and more frequently. Instead of our messages being days apart, we had a bunch of back and forth all in the same day, and ended up planning on jamming together on our guitars in a few weeks when his semester of dental school is up on May 9. And then there is the other McKay, whose twin brother I used to be Physics friends with at BYU, years ago, who I matched with and messaged about having met and knowing his brother, and small world, etc., and hoped he would message me, and days later he did! This was also last weekend.
So lots of good things, or good conversations, at least, were happening with a good few guys, plus the good texting with Andy, and I just love him. So much.
And I kind of got stressed about things, because I feel like in some ways, other guys would fit with me so much better, but I realized that I am scared to let Andy go. I had that realization and I cried. I cried at the thought of letting him go, ever. I love him, I've told him that, he's told me that, but I really do. And I realized he's the first guy I've really loved this much. I'm not madly in love with him, but sometimes I wonder if it's getting to that. It was so fun to text him so much over the weekend, and we were just jiving, it was like we should start dating, it was that good. He even practically asked me to do something on Sat. night! We were just texting back and forth, and suddenly he was like, "I suddenly have the urge to do something active! What are you up to tonight?" And I got all excited and nervous and giddy kind of, and told him I was just doing things like laundry, planning my lesson, work modules, etc., things that would be really hard to tear myself away from... but then he never really followed up with that thought. I was actually kind of glad because though I wanted to see him, I was worried he'd want me to come down there, and it was already past 8:30 pm and I was so tired from our spring clean day in Huntsville, and needed to get some things done, etc., but I was a little bummed that he didn't invite me to do something like it seemed like he was about to. Maybe even just more curious to know what he was going to say that he never did, or what he had in mind when he asked what I was up to that night.. Anyway, with our texting and everything over the weekend, it felt like we likely would date again, and I have still been hoping, more and more, especially over the weekend, that we will again, after he's done with school. Which could be as soon as this weekend. And that thought is exciting. It's exciting to picture him with me through the summer, doing things with my family, etc. But then there are these other guys, who may be, such as the 2nd McKay (the red headed twin), more like the kind of guys I've always pictured myself with. Or that I can picture myself with, physically, a little easier. I love Andy, so much. And I would love to be with him again, so much. Especially because having grown so much closer and become even better friends since we were last really dating, it would just be SO FUN to date now. So fun.
But then I still have thoughts and doubts that it's right or would work out between us long term. And even though I'm trying not to think like that when I shouldn't, the thought of dating him again, growing even closer, loving him even more, and then having to say goodbye again, that hurts. That is not a fun thought. And it's already hard to think of having to lose him forever anyway. So yeah, I have realized that again, I am afraid to let Andy go. I am. Even now, it practically brings me to tears to think of losing him. I love him. Even though he's quarky, I do love him. And I'm not saying I want to marry him necessarily, but I love him. And yes, part of me still wants to date him and be with him again, so bad.
But I don't know. I don't know what will happen or if that's right. I go back and forth so often. And I don't know what he's thinking.
Anyway, those are my current thoughts on Andy. I love him. Maybe he's not the one, but I do love the guy.
you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha
haha Randy just brought me in a package from outside and I was like,"what? I didn't order anything from Amazon recently.." Haha! thanks so much, that was a really nice surprise!
And I was like, haha, you're welcome :)
Then he was like, "the batman watch is amazing"
So that kind of made my day, him getting the package and having such a good reaction to it. Then we ended up texting back and forth throughout the day and the next.
Anyway, during all this, over the weekend, some good things were happening with some guys on Tinder (Tinder is so hit and miss), and one guy, McKay, even set up a date with me for next Sat. He's cute, seems fine, nothing that I'm stoked out of my mind about or anything, but it could be fun. And then there's Brett, the cute bald guy. He started chatting with me more and more frequently. Instead of our messages being days apart, we had a bunch of back and forth all in the same day, and ended up planning on jamming together on our guitars in a few weeks when his semester of dental school is up on May 9. And then there is the other McKay, whose twin brother I used to be Physics friends with at BYU, years ago, who I matched with and messaged about having met and knowing his brother, and small world, etc., and hoped he would message me, and days later he did! This was also last weekend.
So lots of good things, or good conversations, at least, were happening with a good few guys, plus the good texting with Andy, and I just love him. So much.
And I kind of got stressed about things, because I feel like in some ways, other guys would fit with me so much better, but I realized that I am scared to let Andy go. I had that realization and I cried. I cried at the thought of letting him go, ever. I love him, I've told him that, he's told me that, but I really do. And I realized he's the first guy I've really loved this much. I'm not madly in love with him, but sometimes I wonder if it's getting to that. It was so fun to text him so much over the weekend, and we were just jiving, it was like we should start dating, it was that good. He even practically asked me to do something on Sat. night! We were just texting back and forth, and suddenly he was like, "I suddenly have the urge to do something active! What are you up to tonight?" And I got all excited and nervous and giddy kind of, and told him I was just doing things like laundry, planning my lesson, work modules, etc., things that would be really hard to tear myself away from... but then he never really followed up with that thought. I was actually kind of glad because though I wanted to see him, I was worried he'd want me to come down there, and it was already past 8:30 pm and I was so tired from our spring clean day in Huntsville, and needed to get some things done, etc., but I was a little bummed that he didn't invite me to do something like it seemed like he was about to. Maybe even just more curious to know what he was going to say that he never did, or what he had in mind when he asked what I was up to that night.. Anyway, with our texting and everything over the weekend, it felt like we likely would date again, and I have still been hoping, more and more, especially over the weekend, that we will again, after he's done with school. Which could be as soon as this weekend. And that thought is exciting. It's exciting to picture him with me through the summer, doing things with my family, etc. But then there are these other guys, who may be, such as the 2nd McKay (the red headed twin), more like the kind of guys I've always pictured myself with. Or that I can picture myself with, physically, a little easier. I love Andy, so much. And I would love to be with him again, so much. Especially because having grown so much closer and become even better friends since we were last really dating, it would just be SO FUN to date now. So fun.
But then I still have thoughts and doubts that it's right or would work out between us long term. And even though I'm trying not to think like that when I shouldn't, the thought of dating him again, growing even closer, loving him even more, and then having to say goodbye again, that hurts. That is not a fun thought. And it's already hard to think of having to lose him forever anyway. So yeah, I have realized that again, I am afraid to let Andy go. I am. Even now, it practically brings me to tears to think of losing him. I love him. Even though he's quarky, I do love him. And I'm not saying I want to marry him necessarily, but I love him. And yes, part of me still wants to date him and be with him again, so bad.
But I don't know. I don't know what will happen or if that's right. I go back and forth so often. And I don't know what he's thinking.
Anyway, those are my current thoughts on Andy. I love him. Maybe he's not the one, but I do love the guy.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Rough night of work
So last night I got floated. First time that's happened, and I've kind of been dreading it for a while, knowing it was bound to happen soon. Well, it happened, and I was optimistic about it at first, but it was a nightmare. At least the first half of the shift.
I floated to OTSS, the Ortho Trauma unit, and it was so stressful, for the following reasons:
-the unit is HUGE, twice the size of ours, and I felt SO lost.
-3 med rooms
-I didn't have time to look up my pts before I got them, and immediately after I got them they started calling for pain meds
-I gave someone the wrong med
-I just felt so lost and overwhelmed
After about 1 am, things calmed down, and I felt a lot better about things (partly because neither the MD nor the pt was upset at all about my mistake in giving the wrong med--which took a HUGE load off my shoulders), and the night ended good, and everyone was really nice and helpful to me, especially the charge nurse, Sharon. But I was SO glad to get out of there, and so glad to be on my usual floor for my next shift. Definitely made me appreciate AIM-A (my unit) much much more.
I floated to OTSS, the Ortho Trauma unit, and it was so stressful, for the following reasons:
-the unit is HUGE, twice the size of ours, and I felt SO lost.
-3 med rooms
-I didn't have time to look up my pts before I got them, and immediately after I got them they started calling for pain meds
-I gave someone the wrong med
-I just felt so lost and overwhelmed
After about 1 am, things calmed down, and I felt a lot better about things (partly because neither the MD nor the pt was upset at all about my mistake in giving the wrong med--which took a HUGE load off my shoulders), and the night ended good, and everyone was really nice and helpful to me, especially the charge nurse, Sharon. But I was SO glad to get out of there, and so glad to be on my usual floor for my next shift. Definitely made me appreciate AIM-A (my unit) much much more.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Email from Jamie
4/6/14
Hey chica,
I hope you are doing ok! I'm sure you're surviving. You always do. But it still doesn't mean that I don't think about you and worry about you being exhausted. Hopefully work is going by quickly, you have a fun group, and that you don't have too many high-maintenance/give me my pain pills now kind of patients. :)
“You have to find something. Something that anchors you. Something that keeps you looking forward.”
I feel like you are this for me. And I know I've mentioned it before, but I feel like you are one of the things/people that keep me grounded. I've thought it before and I thought it again tonight after you dropped me off.
It is incredible and wonderful to have someone like that in your life. I will keep you for as long as I can :)
You know how much I love you. You know the joy you bring into my life.
THANK YOU.
Have a great rest of the night.
Jaim
P.S - Tomorrow night The Voice at Mark's at 7, yeah?
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Good week so far
This week has been pretty great so far.
Work has been really good, had a couple really good and even fun shifts, working with fun people and such. As I'm getting more comfortable at work people are starting to see the crazy side of me, and they've been getting a kick out of it, ha. It's been fun.
Wendy, Jamie, and I went to Les Mis at Hale on Monday, which was incredible, and then we went to eat at Tucano's (the amazing and expensive Brazilian restaurant) after, using Jamie's birthday coupon from her birthday month. That was amazing too. I'd only been to Tucano's once before, with some mission friends in Provo once. So this was a lot of fun and tasted amazing. Wendy wasn't as into it all as we were, but it was still great (Wendy just hasn't been herself lately).
Got back on Tinder last weekend, Jamie and I both did when we were in St. George, just for fun while we were down there, to see what kind of guys were down there, but then we stayed on the app, of course, and I've had some fun, positive experiences with Tinder this week! I've had some good luck! So that's been fun, I have a date with a bald guy named Brandon tomorrow night, so that should be fun. He's been fun to chat with texting. And I think he's pretty attractive. I've thought bald guys, at least a lot of bald guys, are really good looking, for a while. Since I was in YW's, I can remember.
And I got a bunch of things done today that I've been wanting to, so yeah, it's been a good week so far! Life is good.
Work has been really good, had a couple really good and even fun shifts, working with fun people and such. As I'm getting more comfortable at work people are starting to see the crazy side of me, and they've been getting a kick out of it, ha. It's been fun.
Wendy, Jamie, and I went to Les Mis at Hale on Monday, which was incredible, and then we went to eat at Tucano's (the amazing and expensive Brazilian restaurant) after, using Jamie's birthday coupon from her birthday month. That was amazing too. I'd only been to Tucano's once before, with some mission friends in Provo once. So this was a lot of fun and tasted amazing. Wendy wasn't as into it all as we were, but it was still great (Wendy just hasn't been herself lately).
Got back on Tinder last weekend, Jamie and I both did when we were in St. George, just for fun while we were down there, to see what kind of guys were down there, but then we stayed on the app, of course, and I've had some fun, positive experiences with Tinder this week! I've had some good luck! So that's been fun, I have a date with a bald guy named Brandon tomorrow night, so that should be fun. He's been fun to chat with texting. And I think he's pretty attractive. I've thought bald guys, at least a lot of bald guys, are really good looking, for a while. Since I was in YW's, I can remember.
And I got a bunch of things done today that I've been wanting to, so yeah, it's been a good week so far! Life is good.
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