I miss him.

I miss him, I miss Andy so much. I want now, more than ever, to date him. To be with him. To be close to him. I so wanted to spend time with him on the 4th of July (2 days ago), it seemed like we should have been. And I so wish he was coming to Bear Lake with me next week for our family reunion.
I started praying back in March that I would have a boy to bring to Bear Lake with me. I so wanted to have someone of my own this year. It's so hard--not always, but sometimes, and it seems to be getting harder, the older I get and the longer I am alone--to be with family and not have someone of my own. And I hate that I get bummed out about it, and feel down. I wish I could always just be the super fun aunt/sister/sister-in-law. And I guess I can, it's up to me. But it's hard. It's hard to always be by myself. It sucks, frankly. So I just really really wanted someone to bring this time. I was really hoping and praying to be dating someone by then that I could take. And I really had faith that I would be able to. I know Heavenly Father knows and hears me, and loves me and answers my prayers. And I really thought this one would be answered. But our reunion is next week, and here I am, with no boyfriend, just wanting to date someone who doesn't feel good about moving forward with us, and who is also moving to DC that Friday anyway. I'm still really excited about the trip, I hope it's a lot of fun. I just wish I had someone of my own to take.
And last year I remember joking with Jamie (and maybe Wendy was there too), that no matter what, I was taking someone with me! If I wasn't married or dating anyone, I was taking one of them! And now, I just..I don't know, I have no desire to take Jamie. Our relationship with Wendy is different these days than a year ago, better than it's been in the last few months, but just not as close. But my relationship has only gotten even closer with Jamie, and we are definitely best friends. But in the last couple weeks or so, I just have no desire really, to be around her or do stuff with her. I think it's partly because I've been so enveloped with this Andy stuff, with Andy on the brain, and I think he's also made me just want to be with a guy. I'm sick of being with girls. Not that I even live with them. But I just want to be with a guy, to be dating someone so bad. Or just hang out by myself. Is that weird? Jamie's been out of town, at home in Rexburg, this weekend for the 4th, and she really wanted me to go with her, but I didn't go. Partly because I was supposed to work the night after the 4th, so it would have been a really short trip for me. But also because I have just needed time away from her. We are really close and I love her, but she needs me. And I often don't mind that, and it's really nice to feel needed and loved like she makes me feel. But sometimes it's just too much. And I just want to be alone or do my own thing, and not feel like she's going to want to do something any evening I'm not working or what not. And not that she ever pressures me to do stuff or anything, she's not like that at all. But I think I like alone time more than she does, and I have a million projects and things I've been wanting to work on and get done, I feel like I could do my own thing every night. Unless there was a guy.
I wish there was a guy.
I wish there was Andy.

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 4: things are better

So then by Wed, after I wrote that email, I felt SO much better about everything. Miraculously. And I mean that in all seriousness. Because on Monday night when I was a total wreck over this and my heart was broken, I thought to myself, I may never get over this. Or at least it was probably going to take a loooonng time to. So the fact that I felt pretty great about things 2 days later was such a blessing and miracle.

Since then things have been fine, I just miss him. A lot. Sometimes to tears. I miss being with him, and I hate that I know we both like being together, and days like today, the 4th of July, it feels so natural that we should spend it together, but that it's not like that. I finally caved and invited him to the Stadium of Fire (which I did not end up going to b/c I couldn't find anyone to go with me to scalp tickets, everyone already had plans), but he already had plans (he was going with his sister). I just really wanted to see him.
But it's okay, after that, I was kind of frustrated, and I just feel done. I'm done trying, I'm done with him. I love him and miss him and want to date him, and he just isn't returning those feelings, which I can't force, but it's hard. I just miss him.
And I want to be dating someone so bad. So bad. I'm so done with girls right now. I love Jamie, she's amazing, but I just have no desire to see her lately, or hang out with her. I feel so introverted right now, and I think it's because of these dating issues. I don't know.

I better go to bed though.

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 3: my response to his email (HARD day at work)

I saw his email when I woke up Tues morning, read some of it on my phone, some of it on the shuttle to the hospital, but couldn't quite finish it before work.
He texted me mid-morning and asked how I was doing. Then said I didn't have to respond then if it wasn't a good time.
I was pleasantly surprised at his text, and was grateful for it. A few hours later I responded and said I was okay, I had bee better, but that work was a good distraction. And asked how he was. He said he was alright, tired, and just trying to stay busy.
We ended up texting more through the afternoon, and then a lot of the evening after I was done with work, and even up until 12:30 am. And a lot of it was just back to normal, fun texting and chatting, just joking around. It was really nice and helpful to be able to still text him like that.
By the end of work I was much more together and felt okay, work definitely had become a good distraction (the first half was hard, but then things got better), but by the time I got home, it was all on my mind again, and eating dinner at the counter I started to fall apart again and started crying. I tried not to make it obvious, but Dad, who was right there and kind of talking to me, definitely noticed, and asked me if I needed to talk to someone. I fell more apart then, grateful that he had said something and obviously cared (he never really asks me what's wrong or how I'm doing, etc., we just don't talk a lot about that kind of stuff), and I told him it was about Andy, and that he had called me the night before and I thought we were on the same page and we weren't. Then I went down to my room and showered and got ready for bed, after having another bout of major tears.
After I was out of the shower my mom came down and sat on my bed and asked me about it all, as I sat on the toilet (closed lid) across from her. I told her all about everything, and started crying here and there again. Talking to her really helped. Really really helped. She said a lot of things that helped, even gave me hope that maybe right now just wasn't the time but that something would happen with him later. And her perspective as my mother was insightful and helpful as well.
So that was really nice.
Then yeah, Andy and I continued to text that night until we went to bed.

So then Wed morning I wrote him back.


(Andy,)
Ok, sorry I didn't respond to this last night after all. I was pretty tired by the end of the night and thought I better respond in the morning instead.

But I figured your response to my email would make a difference, and it did. So thank you for taking the time to write it. Especially in the middle of the night..:/ It has definitely helped explain some things and see things from your view, and interesting to to hear your perspective, and know what you were thinking through all these times.

You are mostly right, about both of our intentions through all these post-break up times we've spent together. Until the Saturday part. And I agree that yes, we probably shouldn't have been so physical when we weren't dating, ever. But I found ways to justify most of those times as well, slightly different than what you were thinking, but I felt mostly okay about them, nonetheless. I knew we both always still cared about each other, and we kept a pretty good relationship through texting and whatever other communication, we kept in touch, still had a good friendship and good relationship, and got along really well, which I felt justified our showing physical affection those times we were together. And I always thought, it's not like we just plan to get together to make out or anything. I felt like we were still just figuring things out, and that's just part of how we were doing it, figuring things out, part of our process or whatever. Although, now writing this out, and being objective now, makes my justification seem slightly less justified too. Ha, funny how that is.. But anyway, that's how I'd always felt about it. And yeah, there was always still that thought in my head too, of, maybe this really could work out still..

So before Sat. I was always still a little unsure of whether I wanted to date again or not, and actually usually leaned toward feeling like it wasn't right, which you understood correctly all this time, and which is why I never pushed anything or expected anything else before, and probably the extra time we had to figure things out played a factor in making me not feel rushed to really decide once and for all. But I've always kind of kept you as an option in the back of my mind because of what a good person you are and the good times we've had and how much we enjoy being together we've gotten back together. 

So then Saturday happened, which I think is the main issue here, and why this has all come up. I think the biggest difference for me between all the other times we've spent together since breaking up, and Sat. night was that for whatever reason, my feelings had changed by the end of the night, had increased, and I could see us together more than before. For me, it seemed like a perfect night. And I wanted to keep spending time with you. I think a lot of why was that I was very aware that even though we didn't kiss like usual, it was still such an enjoyable night, even more so even, to me, than when we did. And I think that was pretty huge to me. It was such a carefree, comfortable night with you, part of the time I felt like we were married, or that's what it would be like to be married, just fun and comfortable. And maybe I realized that that thought was okay. Or at least that I was no longer sure that it wasn't right and that I didn't want that, with us.

So it was after that night that I guess I was hoping and assuming you must have felt the same way, just about how enjoyable it was to be together, and wanting to spend more time together. I knew you had had a good time, topped with all that comfortable and safe physical affection that we obviously both enjoyed, giving and receiving, and I wondered how you couldn't want to keep spending more time together like that too. 

Oh, and one of the reasons I thought you must be thinking the same thing that night was-- so I was not planning on talking about anything that night, about us, I didn't really want to. I just wanted to enjoy being together and for once not talk about things. And before I came down, I was not planning on there being a reason to, either, ha. Then when we were hugging after watching the movie, you seemed to be sighing heavily, like there was a lot on your mind right then, which is why I asked you what you were thinking, and you said something about having torn thoughts and about complicated dumb situations, or something along those lines, which I just assumed (I've now quite learned I should not assume what a guy is thinking, ever.) meant you were rethinking your previous decision not to date again, and that you were wanting to, and that the fact that you were leaving soon was the complicated part. So naturally I felt great about that, you wanted to date again too! Or so I thought, haha. So when you asked what I was thinking, I think I said something like, "similar things," or something. That's probably why I seemed un-phased to you, because 1. I didn't want to have a long exhausting conversation about us again, so I didn't want to delve more into and have you expound on what you meant, and 2. I felt like we were on the same page, and I was happy about that. Ironic, yes? Turns out we were not thinking similar things, haha. 

So then after Saturday night was so great, like I said, I realized I really did want to spend more time with you, like now, and anytime I could, before you left, and my assuming you felt the same way was the problem.

But it's all good, now that I know what you are thinking, I'm okay. It was just having incorrect assumptions and expectations, and those being wrong, that was hard. But I'm better now, I've recovered. Like I said the other night, I just needed to know. So thank you for being honest with me, and being willing to talk this out. I have so appreciated that in our relationship, from the beginning. That we've been able to have such good communication.

But I'm also really glad we can obviously still be good friends and have a good time chatting. Really grateful, actually. And thank you so much for texting me yesterday at work. I saw it a few hours before the time I actually had time to respond, and that meant a lot to me, to hear from you and know you still cared to know how I was doing. And it helped.

And about your physicality issue, if it makes you feel any better, that is one of the things I have loved about you actually. Physical affection is definitely one of my main love languages, and so I've loved how touchy you are. I want that in who I marry, it's important to me. But yes, it does need to be kept in check, of course; and the only thing I caution you against is being touchy and physically affectionate when there isn't further meaning behind it. But I think you know that by now. :)

Thank you for your apology. Some of these things were hard to hear, but I do forgive you. How can I not? I'm just as imperfect as you. And I still care about you a lot. I also appreciate your understanding of me, and not being mad at my last email, and letting me feel those ways, and then still caring about me. 

You are a good person, Andy. I know you don't feel like you are where you need to be right now, spiritually, and that's okay. We all have those times. So do what you need to do to get back there. I have complete confidence that you will and you'll be just fine, and stronger for it. I continue to be impressed with your spirituality, even if you feel like you are lacking it right now, but you are a good, righteous person, who is humble enough to realize his mistakes, and want to improve. That is impressive and admirable. So hang in there and move forward from here. Let me know if there's ever anything I can do for you.

Hope you're having a better day today. :)

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 2: his response to my email

Hey (Melissa),  

    So I woke up in the middle of the night and randomly decided to check my phone and saw your email and so I read it, and my mind wouldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't sleep, so I figured I better go sit down and get my thoughts out to you.  As I was reading what you had written, I thought, "she has every right to feel frustrated/angry/hurt/etc" and I have been continually bothered by my choices and actions lately in regard to you.  I was talking to my bishop on Sunday and he said that I need to recognize that one of my big weaknesses is physicality and that I really need to focus on strengthening that weakness, and I completely agree with him.  And it's a weakness that I have failed spectacularly at strengthening much while we have dated.  But before you feel too hurt or angry, I have a lot more to say because you are right, there were many things going through my head on Saturday, and these things also played a factor in previous times we've been together.  

     First of all, I do care about you a lot.  We have had some great experiences together, great talks, and great times.  We are also in a very similar situation in life.  I say that first to help frame the way I think my mind has come to see our relationship and in a large part how I've come to (wrongly) justify initiating or being physical during any of the time we've spent together in the past little while.  We both know and have expressed how hard it is to be single so long, and obviously we both know how nice it is, and how comforting it is to be with someone.  It takes away part of that ache.  I think there have been multiple episodes in our relationship that have caused me to believe that at times when (according to my perspective) we both felt like the relationship couldn't go anywhere, but still cared a lot about each other, we would hug longer, or kiss, because it was comforting and it was something we could do for one another.  I know that seems weird or twisted, but there are some examples that stand out in my mind that may help you see how I might come to think that.  The most prominent is the first time we did something after that first bigger mess up.  You came down to the house in Provo I was living at, if I remember right we had kind of a group date thing going, and afterwards we hugged and kissed a little bit, but then I asked if we could go on a drive and talk, and I expressed how I felt like I couldn't kiss you anymore because I felt like it was cheapening the repentance of that previous time things had gone to far when I came up to Salt Lake.  So we drove around for a while talking, and we both expressed feelings about being single, about each other, and at the end of the conversation we were kind of at the point where we felt like things were over because it wasn't feeling right.  And I was going to do my best not to kiss you, and I think what was going to be a brief kiss (mutually initiated from what I thought) ended up going a lot longer, and I (weakly) made attempts early on to pull away, but you didn't seem to be having that (I'm not blaming anything on you, if I really wanted to stop it I could have) but in my mind I thought, "We're both kind of suffering right now, and this conversation hasn't been easy for either of us, and we care about each other a lot, so I guess this is just a way we can show we do care about each other and maybe comfort each other at a difficult time."  Now obviously looking at this objectively, I don't see this as justifying kissing when you're not dating, but that's what was going through my head.  And then afterwards you said, "Thank you.  I needed that." Which made me feel a lot better about it, and in my mind reinforced the reasoning behind it happening.  

     Is this making any sense?  I feel like this wasn't an isolated experience, and that before and after in one way or another, in my mind we kind of reinforced this notion that this was happening, whether we'd be kissing and one or the other of us would jokingly ask, "what are we doing?" and we would kind of laugh and keep kissing or we would kiss after going too far and talking about it, but this later kiss was meant to be more out of gratitude or whatever.  Now just mix that train of thought in with the fact that it was really hard (certainly for me, but I felt like for both of us) to close that door of being physically close and still do things together, AND that when we would get together we would have a better time together than maybe either of us expected to and I think we both would have thoughts like well maybe this could work... 

      I think that on Saturday all of the things I've mentioned were coming into play.  First, I was having a great time with you.  And second, there was that physicality door that we had never really figured out how to shut, and like you have said, we are both very comfortable around each other.  Third, it had become easy for me to see the physicality as something that you (and I, obviously) liked, that made you feel good, comforted, etc., and so things like giving you a massage felt good to do because I could tell it was making you happy and I wanted that.  Then when we had a long hug afterward the movie, and you asked what I was thinking, and I responded that my thoughts were complicated or whatever, it didn't seem to phase you and thus further reinforced in my mind the pattern and the justification of us being close because we cared about each other while feeling things weren't going to work out, and this was a way we could comfort each other.   In my mind, I figured that's how we both felt about it.  I was going to leave in 3 weeks, we'd already had a decently drawn out relationship history of ups and downs and things weren't feeling right to move forward, but we still cared about each other this is how we've kind of always been haha....  (I laugh because it is true, but like you, I do want to convey that I'm being serious). Now I see that we were not on the same page, and that by cuddling, or giving the massage, or anything that happened, I was being very unfair, selfish, and lazy by letting myself fall into those things rather than being strong like you were, which I am so grateful for.  

      I hope something I've said resonates with how you've felt at least in part, or at the very least you can see how our past interactions could lead me to make these justifications (justifications that I kind of always thought we were making together). Maybe I was making them alone the whole time, I don't know.

      I have to say that in writing all this, there is a part of me in the back of my mind that keeps saying that I'm just making excuses for my weakness towards being physical.  And I use the word "justification" a lot in this email because at the end of the day, I should never have chosen to kiss you while we were not officially dating, and that is a mistake and a burden I have to carry.  All of the things I've written are things that were going through my mind, but that doesn't excuse in the least my choices. I could have been a lot stronger from the first time we decided to do something after we had officially "broken up" and the precedent for justifying in my mind the way I have explained would never have become a pattern.  

      I have tried to paint a picture of my thought process through all of this, and I am so sorry about the result of it.  I feel so weak and ashamed, and I feel like the consequence of this is that I've messed with your emotions and feelings.  These things that have been going through my head explain what I was thinking, but seem to me to be a large part just a justification for a weakness.  None of those things I was thinking was sound, gospel-derived logic, and I guess they simply helped me to see the world in a way that made my choices not as bad.  That is definition of what a justification is.  The pattern of our choices made them easy to repeat, but I am very responsible for that pattern.  

      I need to ask your forgiveness again.  Yes, there were a lot of things going through my head, but at the end of the day and despite all that, I have displayed some pretty disappointing weakness and you have the right to feel insulted or used.  I am so sorry.  I have let you down, I've let Heavenly Father down, and I've let myself down.  I have lots of repenting to do and I know I need to get back to a place I used to be spiritually where I was stronger.  You are stronger, and I thank you for your example.  I don't know what else I can do to make this right, but I want to do anything that I can.  You have been a great friend and my choices in relation to that friendship have been small-minded and weak.  It is interesting for me to see how Satan has slowly been binding me down through my thoughts and actions over a long period of time.  I am frankly afraid of where I am at right now, and I have a long ways to go.    

        Wow, this is way too long.  I am sorry I have been so long winded.  If anything in here doesn't make sense, keep in mind that I did write it in the middle of the night :) and feel free to ask for any clarifications.  I hope you were able to get some good sleep.  

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 1

So after that night, when we went to the play and watched a movie together, and I felt like I basically wanted to date again, and wanted to see him whenever I could before he left..well I felt like he felt the same, it sure seemed that way that night, it was such a perfect night, so fun, and so comfortable. It was amazing.
Well. Turns out he was not thinking what I thought he was thinking, and this all came out 2 nights later, on Monday night, June 23.
I hadn't heard from him all day, even after texting him something funny in the morning, that I thought he'd at least respond to. I had thought about him practically constantly since Sat. night, and by Mon afternoon/evening, it felt like he wasn't thinking about me at all, and that was hard, and I had to know if it was true.
So I called him out on it, and essentially asked him if he had been, and told him why I was asking, and that I just needed to know what he was thinking.
He immediately called me, and we talked for almost 20 min, and he told me, in a very nice way, that though yes, he has a lot of fun and enjoys being with me too, and cares about me, he still just doesn't feel peace about moving forward with us. That was hard to hear, and I started crying on the phone (dang it). He felt really bad, of course, because he's so great.
I also brought up our planned aquarium outing that we were going to meet up in Draper for the next Tues, and how if that's how he feels, then maybe it wasn't a good idea to get together, because I think it's too hard to be with you and not be dating, essentially. He still thought it would be fun, but he said if it would cause me more pain, then that's fine if we didn't. I said we could just be in touch about it (that Tues has since passed, and we did not get together).
We hung up and I just lost it. Uncontrollable sobs, I was a mess. My heart was completely broken. Just when I was so sure I wanted to be with him, he didn't feel the same. And I didn't understand why. I mean you can't argue with someone just not feeling peace about something, but I KNOW he loves being with me too, it's very obvious, we both care a lot about each other, and the way he treats me when I'm with him, like Sat. night, for example, it's so hard for me to understand how he can treat me like that, and hold me that tight and kiss my face so tenderly and amazingly, and not want to be with me as often as he can before he leaves. I don't get that. When we get along so well and click so well and have chemistry and are so comfortable with each other. The next night I was talking to my mom about the situation, I was struggling still, and I was describing his and my relationship like that, and she said that that's marriage, that's the kind of guy you want to marry, who you have fun with and are so comfortable with.. so yeah, I don't get it. She really doesn't get it and has really felt good about Andy. So that's interesting.
But anyway, after crying for a little while, I became frustrated with Andy, and needed to get some more things out to him. So I wrote him this email that night, and didn't finish and send it until 1:30 am, which was bad because I had to work the next morning (that was a rough day at work..at least the first half..swollen eyes, so tired, emotionally drained and on the verge of tears..).
But here is the email.

(Andy,)

One more thing.

Something I didn't say about the whole just being friends thing was (I'm way better at writing out my thoughts, and decided to save you text space:) that yeah, I thought we would be too, and do the just friends things, and I felt fine about that and about hanging out and such. But then at the play you cuddle with me and treat me like we're dating (which I really appreciated and enjoyed, in fact, because I felt meaning behind it, and I was loving being with you), and then you take me to your house to watch a movie and you are so cute to me and massage me and cuddle with me again (though I was grateful you didn't try to kiss me during the movie, so thank you. Not because I didn't want to, but I don't want to kiss anymore if I don't know we're dating, in addition to wanting to completely avoid previous mishaps altogether); and then there was all the cute kissing of my face and long hugging..all of which is what made me think, oh, maybe he does want to be more than friends again, it seemed like that's maybe what you were thinking and wanting after all, and I felt okay about that. I am a very independent person, but my heart is a little more fragile than that. You can't expect to massage me and cuddle with me and hold me that tight for that long and kiss my face like that, and do all these cute and sincere things, and me not want to see you more and date that.:) Especially when we already click so well and have so much fun together. You can't expect me to think we're not more than friends, as you do these things all night, when I had thrown out the idea of trying dating again to you the last time we were together, and when I know you like being with me too. You seemed so sincere and caring about everything. I can't have an amazing night like that with you anymore and then not get to see you for a while or hear from you much because we're not actually dating or you don't actually feel that way about me or want to move forward. I've come to care about you too much, and it's kind of a let down. Not to mention slightly insulting and makes me feel used. And maybe you weren't sure how you felt at the time either, which would help explain. Or maybe I'm seeing it wrong. I don't know. I don't feel like you would just do that, knowingly. I know you care about me, I do. Or maybe it's just too easy to be so physical, with our past. But that is where the problem lies, I suppose. So if we do end up getting together again for the aquarium or what not and you still feel the way you do, don't you dare do more than hug me. 

:)

And while I say all this in somewhat of a light tone, at the same time I'm also serious. 

But I know there's always two sides to every situation, and I'm sure there were lots of thoughts going through your head that night, so if so, feel free to fill me in.

Hope you're sleeping well.