He texted me mid-morning and asked how I was doing. Then said I didn't have to respond then if it wasn't a good time.
I was pleasantly surprised at his text, and was grateful for it. A few hours later I responded and said I was okay, I had bee better, but that work was a good distraction. And asked how he was. He said he was alright, tired, and just trying to stay busy.
We ended up texting more through the afternoon, and then a lot of the evening after I was done with work, and even up until 12:30 am. And a lot of it was just back to normal, fun texting and chatting, just joking around. It was really nice and helpful to be able to still text him like that.
By the end of work I was much more together and felt okay, work definitely had become a good distraction (the first half was hard, but then things got better), but by the time I got home, it was all on my mind again, and eating dinner at the counter I started to fall apart again and started crying. I tried not to make it obvious, but Dad, who was right there and kind of talking to me, definitely noticed, and asked me if I needed to talk to someone. I fell more apart then, grateful that he had said something and obviously cared (he never really asks me what's wrong or how I'm doing, etc., we just don't talk a lot about that kind of stuff), and I told him it was about Andy, and that he had called me the night before and I thought we were on the same page and we weren't. Then I went down to my room and showered and got ready for bed, after having another bout of major tears.
After I was out of the shower my mom came down and sat on my bed and asked me about it all, as I sat on the toilet (closed lid) across from her. I told her all about everything, and started crying here and there again. Talking to her really helped. Really really helped. She said a lot of things that helped, even gave me hope that maybe right now just wasn't the time but that something would happen with him later. And her perspective as my mother was insightful and helpful as well.
So that was really nice.
Then yeah, Andy and I continued to text that night until we went to bed.
So then Wed morning I wrote him back.
(Andy,)
Ok, sorry I didn't respond to this last night after all. I was pretty tired by the end of the night and thought I better respond in the morning instead.
But I figured your response to my email would make a difference, and it did. So thank you for taking the time to write it. Especially in the middle of the night..:/ It has definitely helped explain some things and see things from your view, and interesting to to hear your perspective, and know what you were thinking through all these times.
You are mostly right, about both of our intentions through all these post-break up times we've spent together. Until the Saturday part. And I agree that yes, we probably shouldn't have been so physical when we weren't dating, ever. But I found ways to justify most of those times as well, slightly different than what you were thinking, but I felt mostly okay about them, nonetheless. I knew we both always still cared about each other, and we kept a pretty good relationship through texting and whatever other communication, we kept in touch, still had a good friendship and good relationship, and got along really well, which I felt justified our showing physical affection those times we were together. And I always thought, it's not like we just plan to get together to make out or anything. I felt like we were still just figuring things out, and that's just part of how we were doing it, figuring things out, part of our process or whatever. Although, now writing this out, and being objective now, makes my justification seem slightly less justified too. Ha, funny how that is.. But anyway, that's how I'd always felt about it. And yeah, there was always still that thought in my head too, of, maybe this really could work out still..
So before Sat. I was always still a little unsure of whether I wanted to date again or not, and actually usually leaned toward feeling like it wasn't right, which you understood correctly all this time, and which is why I never pushed anything or expected anything else before, and probably the extra time we had to figure things out played a factor in making me not feel rushed to really decide once and for all. But I've always kind of kept you as an option in the back of my mind because of what a good person you are and the good times we've had and how much we enjoy being together we've gotten back together.
So then Saturday happened, which I think is the main issue here, and why this has all come up. I think the biggest difference for me between all the other times we've spent together since breaking up, and Sat. night was that for whatever reason, my feelings had changed by the end of the night, had increased, and I could see us together more than before. For me, it seemed like a perfect night. And I wanted to keep spending time with you. I think a lot of why was that I was very aware that even though we didn't kiss like usual, it was still such an enjoyable night, even more so even, to me, than when we did. And I think that was pretty huge to me. It was such a carefree, comfortable night with you, part of the time I felt like we were married, or that's what it would be like to be married, just fun and comfortable. And maybe I realized that that thought was okay. Or at least that I was no longer sure that it wasn't right and that I didn't want that, with us.
So it was after that night that I guess I was hoping and assuming you must have felt the same way, just about how enjoyable it was to be together, and wanting to spend more time together. I knew you had had a good time, topped with all that comfortable and safe physical affection that we obviously both enjoyed, giving and receiving, and I wondered how you couldn't want to keep spending more time together like that too.
Oh, and one of the reasons I thought you must be thinking the same thing that night was-- so I was not planning on talking about anything that night, about us, I didn't really want to. I just wanted to enjoy being together and for once not talk about things. And before I came down, I was not planning on there being a reason to, either, ha. Then when we were hugging after watching the movie, you seemed to be sighing heavily, like there was a lot on your mind right then, which is why I asked you what you were thinking, and you said something about having torn thoughts and about complicated dumb situations, or something along those lines, which I just assumed (I've now quite learned I should not assume what a guy is thinking, ever.) meant you were rethinking your previous decision not to date again, and that you were wanting to, and that the fact that you were leaving soon was the complicated part. So naturally I felt great about that, you wanted to date again too! Or so I thought, haha. So when you asked what I was thinking, I think I said something like, "similar things," or something. That's probably why I seemed un-phased to you, because 1. I didn't want to have a long exhausting conversation about us again, so I didn't want to delve more into and have you expound on what you meant, and 2. I felt like we were on the same page, and I was happy about that. Ironic, yes? Turns out we were not thinking similar things, haha.
So then after Saturday night was so great, like I said, I realized I really did want to spend more time with you, like now, and anytime I could, before you left, and my assuming you felt the same way was the problem.
But it's all good, now that I know what you are thinking, I'm okay. It was just having incorrect assumptions and expectations, and those being wrong, that was hard. But I'm better now, I've recovered. Like I said the other night, I just needed to know. So thank you for being honest with me, and being willing to talk this out. I have so appreciated that in our relationship, from the beginning. That we've been able to have such good communication.
But I'm also really glad we can obviously still be good friends and have a good time chatting. Really grateful, actually. And thank you so much for texting me yesterday at work. I saw it a few hours before the time I actually had time to respond, and that meant a lot to me, to hear from you and know you still cared to know how I was doing. And it helped.
And about your physicality issue, if it makes you feel any better, that is one of the things I have loved about you actually. Physical affection is definitely one of my main love languages, and so I've loved how touchy you are. I want that in who I marry, it's important to me. But yes, it does need to be kept in check, of course; and the only thing I caution you against is being touchy and physically affectionate when there isn't further meaning behind it. But I think you know that by now. :)
Thank you for your apology. Some of these things were hard to hear, but I do forgive you. How can I not? I'm just as imperfect as you. And I still care about you a lot. I also appreciate your understanding of me, and not being mad at my last email, and letting me feel those ways, and then still caring about me.
You are a good person, Andy. I know you don't feel like you are where you need to be right now, spiritually, and that's okay. We all have those times. So do what you need to do to get back there. I have complete confidence that you will and you'll be just fine, and stronger for it. I continue to be impressed with your spirituality, even if you feel like you are lacking it right now, but you are a good, righteous person, who is humble enough to realize his mistakes, and want to improve. That is impressive and admirable. So hang in there and move forward from here. Let me know if there's ever anything I can do for you.
Hope you're having a better day today. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment