GRE again

So to increase my chances of getting into PA school, I am retaking the GRE. At first, when I started thinking about doing it again, I was dreading it. I tell you what. And even after I decided to, I was really really scared about it. But since then, I've been able to borrow Robby Jarstad's (in my ward) new GRE study book (when I took it, it was still the old GRE, so I couldn't use my study book anymore), and it is SO helpful! I'm feeling a lot more prepared for it, or that I will be, plus it's not so hard to want to study this time around because I'm not doing other classes at the same time. That has made a huge difference! In fact, I need to be studying right now, before I go back to work, but I just wanted to update about it.

RS President, round TWO!

I just got called to be a RS president again. Ha. I think I'm getting a second chance to get it right!:)

No, I'm actually pretty excited, I have some really fun counselors and I love the girl who is my sec., I think it'll be a lot of fun! Natalie Newman is the other RS pres, who I love, and Joel Anderson, my little best mission friend, is the EQ pres (yeah, we are in the same ward, totally by coincidence)! So PEC is going to be awesome! :)

Tonight we had our stake training meeting at the Manavu chapel, and it was good, very informative, plus really good food at the end. But Joel brought his new sec., who is Andrew Klemme, who I have never officially met or gotten to know, but have wanted to this whole semester. He has just seemed like an awesome kid. So tonight Joel, Andrew, Natalie, and I sat together after the meeting and ate, and I got to talk to Andrew and get to know him, and it was really fun! Definitely a highlight of my day. He just got home from his mission in July, hasn't even been home five months, but he is pretty mature, and down to earth. And as far as I've been able to tell, wears good shoes. :)

So we'll see, I hope I get to hang out with him and get to know him more, he was very enjoyable to talk to. And we didn't talk a ton, but he seems like a good conversationalist, which is huge. He also wears glasses, which I find very attractive in a guy, and he's not skinny. Yay for a non-skinny boy!!

I want to be a PA!!!

I talked to Mom yesterday, and it was a good thing. Definitely was supposed to. She is so wise, and it helps too that she has spent her adult life in the medical field.

She advised me what seems so logical. She advised me to do everything I can to get in to PA school (which she was encouraging me more and more to choose over nursing, which I am feeling stronger and stronger about all the time, especially as she was talking to me more about it and the more and more opportunities PAs have these days, etc.), and if that means retaking the GRE and applying to lots more schools, then do it. And as for the financial aspect of things, she emphasized and reminded me that my education is what I am working on pursuing right now, that this is the time in my life to focus on my education (not worry so much about saving to pay back my loans at this point in time--I do still have a few months), and that when the time comes to repay the interest on my loan (of what will then, in Feb, have gotten up to $1000), they can probably help me with it, etc. Mom (and Dad too, of course) is always so willing to offer to help me financially. I don't like having to borrow or take money from them, I like being able to pay for things myself, plus I know that they have their own money struggles. But I appreciate it so much that they will never let me go under or without. I was able to finish my last two semesters of school because of them, when I didn't get the loan I was planning on. I am so grateful for such amazing and supportive parents.

Anyway, so I've decided to retake the GRE, probably right after Christmas, which means I have just less than three weeks to study, and then I'll just keep applying to as many schools as I can afford to.

I want to be a PA so badly, I want to get in somewhere so bad. My biggest fear right now is not getting in anywhere, to any programs. I know that is lacking faith, but the thing is, I know everything will work out, it always does. And I know that if I'm supposed to get in somewhere, I'll get in. I have faith in Christ, faith in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me. But I don't have as much faith in me and my abilities and accomplishments (or lack thereof). I'm scared that my application isn't good enough to get in. This fear was very strong and overcoming up until yesterday. Today I'm feeling better about things, more hopeful, thank heavens. Last night I was feeling more worried and scared and stressed about things, including the GRE, than I have in a while, and I plead with HF to take away my feeling of fear and help me not to worry. And today that has definitely come.

Lost

Once again, I feel lost in life. Lost, referring to my future. I have gone back and forth so many times between PA and nursing this year, it's ridiculous. I forget if I wrote about deciding against PA school shortly after I applied to three, back in August or so, but I did. I decided I just wanted to be a nurse, and I felt really good about that. So I started looking into and the application process of nursing schools. Then for the last few weeks, I've really been thinking about PA school again. So much that I applied to two more, one in Michigan and one in Pennsylvania. Random. And since then I just keep going back and forth. But I am still leaning toward PA. I would love to be a PA. More and more. I want to know what they know, I want to be able to diagose, and yeah, just know so much. One thing that got me really thinking a lot about it again was hearing/reading Camille talk about the female doctor they've been working with with Ethan's eye problem, and how great and knowledgeable she is. That really sparked this strong desire to be able to know so much about the medical field. I want to be able to help families like that, to help them know what is going on with their children, and what now.

But how many schools do I apply for? When do you stop? It takes money to apply anywhere, each time, and I'm not really trying to save for when I have to start paying my undergrad loans back here in a few months. And do I retake the GRE so I can apply to schools that require it and not have a sucky GRE score? That takes more money too. And do I now just apply to PA schools, or do I also focus on getting my nursing applications in too? Last night all this was really weighing on my mind, and I got really stressed. I was really praying about it all, and basically begging Heavenly Father to let me know what to do. It's mostly a financial concern right now, as far as whether or not to apply to more schools, and how many more, etc. I felt like I should call the loan place and get some details figured out, call CASPA and ask them if I did retake the GRE could I change my scores on the application, and to get a blessing, as well as talk to Mom. In blessings past I've been counselled to discuss things with my parents more and get advice from them, and I don't think I do that enough. So I felt like I should talk to her. So this morning, at work, I wrote down these things on my to-do list to do today, and I called the loan place and got those questions answered and feel like I know what I'm working toward now (saving $1000 by Feb to pay off all the interest on one of my loans to significantly decrease the monthly payment starting in March--it will be hard but I think I can do it.), and I got a blessing from my home teachers. The blessing was probably one of the least significant I've ever had, didn't give me any major revelation or answers, but it did mention my family and turning to them, so I feel like I still need to talk to my mom about things. I got home from work too late to call CASPA, so I'll do that tomorrow, and I want to talk to them about the GRE first before I talk to Mom. So I'll call her tomorrow too. I've kind of vented, or expressed these stresses/concerns to a few people today, including my home teachers, my roommate (Jessica), and Kim, my next door neighbor and former roommate, and I'm not feeling as stressed about things, but I still don't really have answers.

I just really wish I could know where I would get in, so I could just apply there, simply to save money wasted on applying to other schools. Or at least be told which profession to focus on. That would save time and money too.

But alas, this is what this life is for, learning. It's just a huge learning process. I know this. And I know everything will work out and I will get answers when I'm supposed to, it always works out when it should. It's just hard to not know right now (story of my life for the last almost-year now, right?). I really want to just save money to pay off my loans, but should I keep applying to programs? I don't know.

Isaac is back??

So last night, when I was just charting at the end of my shift, I get a text, and it was from nearly the last person I expected: Isaac. Yes, that Isaac. Isaac Calvert, the guy who gave me such good memories, and also such grief this summer. It said, "So, random, I know, but are you still awake?" And I said, after pulling myself together that he was even texting me, "Hey, yeah, I'm just getting off work." To which he said, "Would you like to go on a walk tomorrow afternoon?" A walk. Walks are serious. And as Jessica (my roommate) said, "Walks are so dramatic!" Haha, so true. To that I replied, after again, not really believing that he wanted to see me, "Sure, anytime after 3 would work." To which he said 3:30, I said that should work, and he said, "Cool, I'll call you around then." Then I said, "Sounds good." But I wanted to make sure it wasn't anything serious, like something wrong, so I added, "Is everything okay?" And he said, "Oh yeah, I just want to catch up, that's all." That's all, ha! I was glad everything is okay, and I was now really excited to see and talk to him.

Here's my theory: he is no longer dating his girlfriend, and wants to see if there is still anything between us.

So of course I've been thinking a lot about him since then, and have been really excited to see him, but then today during church he texted me and said, "This is really dumb, but I totally forgot about a meeting I have during our walk. Raincheck? Lunch sometime this week?" I was bummed, but I said sure, that's fine. He never responded, so we'll see what happens. But it actually worked out better I think because I have a cold, and took a nap this afternoon, which I think was needed, and I wouldn't have been able to sleep as long if we had gone on a walk. Plus, just being sick in general, I'm kind of glad not to have had to go out.

So anyway, we'll see what happens, if anything.

Two interests this fall, Nate and Trent

So once again, it's been a while since I've written in my journal. Surprise surprise.

So. I need to do a quick update on the boy dept. Not that there's a ton to talk about, let's be honest. But I'll do it anyway.

So for the last few months, I guess pretty much this semester (Fall 2011), and yes, I still think of time in semesters..:) But the main two boys on my radar have been one named Nate Andelin, who I was set up with by his sister, Michelle, who was in my ward over the summer; and my co-chair, Trent McFadyen. Trent has been so fun to work with in our callings, and to get to know. He's hilarious, and an awesome guy. He is totally up to par as far as spiritually, and in leadership skills. He is extremely impressive to me in those ways, and those things are very important to me, which has made him very attractive. He's also very friendly and very huggy, and we have become better and better friends over the semester of serving together. The only thing about him has been that he is younger than me, he's only 22, and just barely deciding on a major, while I have graduated, etc. We're just in very different places in our lives. But I've thought we could work around that if needed. We've gone on one date, and hung out some. He took me to a play he got free tickets to (he works doing backstage stuff at the HFAC), called "The Hundred Dresses." Weird play, but it was really fun with him!

Then there's Nate. He is more my age, which is really nice. I don't actually know how old he is, but he graduated last year (which makes him likely a year or so older than me, which is great!), and is now just working, like me. He has a good job, he's smart, fun, friendly, and an awesome conversationalist! That is one of the things I like most about him. I have met few better conversationalists, if any. He is very good at asking about me, and he always asks about my work. I've never met a guy who has cared more about my work than him. That has been really cool, especially since that's mostly what I do these days, is my job. We have gone on a total of four dates now, the third of which I asked him on. This sounds like it could be getting serious, except the part that his dates are always two or three weeks apart. First we went to Divine Comedy and then got shakes after at the Malt Shoppe, then he took me country dancing (so fun!!) and to get ice cream after at the Health Fruits place (or whatever it's called, right there on University by Fat Cats), then I invited him to the haunted corn maze at Thanksgiving Point, and then he took me to a BYU football game (we froze, but it was fun), and to Wendy's after for food. They have all been really fun dates, and we always have fun together, and enjoy talking to each other. When we were saying goodbye after our last date, he said something like, "I had a lot of fun!" and it seemed like he really does enjoy being with me. I enjoy being with him too, but the thing is that other than becoming better acquainted with each other, we don't really progress. Not physically or romantically.. it's like we are good friends going on dates. Really far apart ones. Our last date to the game was a few weeks ago, so if he keeps following his pattern, he'll call me in the next week or so, but who knows. Each time I get to the point where I don't expect him to call again, because I haven't heard from him in so long, and then he surprises me. So who knows. After our dates, I always really would like to spend more time with him, and I would love to like the next day. And then by the time he actually calls again, I have kind of lost interest in him. But then he peaks it again when I'm with him.

The night of our second date, after we went dancing, I texted him the post-date text, to thank him, and behind that to let him know I'd love to go on another, and a conversation started and we texted til 4 am in the morning!!!! It was crazy! That was the week I invited him to the corn maze a couple days later.

So yeah, I don't know what he's thinking, if anything still. But I'm not going to do anything. I texted him the other day to ask about his Thanksgiving, and in doing so to let him know I was still interested, in case he thought otherwise, and we texted a little over that day and the next, and I ended up casually inviting him to our White Christmas movie night in our apt., but never got a response to that. So who knows. I'm not really worried about it, if he wants to do anything more, I'd be up for it, but if not, oh well I guess. My biggest thing about him, that I don't love, is his size. There's a size issue. I think he is maybe an inch or two (at most) taller than me, but he is not real built. I wouldn't call him skinny, thank goodness, but he's just kind of small. And he's probably strong, which helps a lot, but I just don't want to feel bigger than any guy I date, or especially marry. I want to feel small, y'know? He is really awesome though, a really great guy, with high standards, and a lot of other qualities I look for in a guy, so if that was the only thing wrong with him (his size), I could deal with it. But we'll see if he even ever calls again.

As for Trent, there are days when I am attracted to him more than others, but I think I have concluded that he is not the one. I think I can be sure of that. He is so fun to be around, and like I said, he has a lot of qualities that I really want in my future husband and father of my children and leader of my home, but some things he is lacking is being interested in me. He is really good at talking, but not the best at asking about you, the other person. There are other little things, but that's the main thing. But we get along really well, and I'm so grateful we got to be co-chairs, he was so great to work with. I'm also grateful I've gotten to know him through working on projects and things together, as opposed to just dates and stuff. It's a much more real way to get to know someone, I think, and much more comfortable as well. But he's great, I love Trent. He will definitely continue to be one of my good friends, at least while we are in the same ward.

In conclusion, it's not seeming like anything much will happen with either of these boys, but that's okay, I'll keep waiting.