Other updates from the last 3.5 months

Since I last wrote in Sept 2014, other things that have happened in my life:

-Trip with friends to St. George to see Joseph in the Tuacahn (that's been on my bucket list for a while), and while we were down there we played sand volleyball, did some swimming and hot tubbing, watched Divergent, visited Grandma Gurr on the way down, and went to church. Fun weekend! People included: Jamie, Julene, Jenna Tiller, Tron, and Josh; and Matt and his friend the first night, on their way to Vegas to rock climb.

-Trip to San Antonio in Oct. to surprise Sally for her birthday. It was so fun! Such a fun trip. Usually I am about ready to go home when it's time, to get back to my people, to my routine, etc. But this trip I had no desire to go home. I could have stayed for days longer! It was so fun. And so fun to be with the kids! Little Keelan became my little buddy, it was so sweet. :)

-Grandma Gurr's passing. A bitter-sweet thing. She had a totally unexpected stroke one Sunday at church, and died 8 days later. Sad to see her children sad about it, but so happy for her that she gets to be with Grandpa and her two little boys now, who died when they were small. And also so grateful that I got to see her just a few weeks prior, on my way to St. George with friends.

-Dated Darren Christensen, from Tinder. Chatted some on Tinder, then found out we were both going to be in San Antonio at the same time (him for work, me to surprise Sally for her birthday), and ended up meeting and going out there in San Antonio, is was a marathon date, he kissed me at the end, then we dated for about a month. He is a great guy, but not my type for marriage. He hasn't been real active in the church for a long time, didn't serve a mission, doesn't have a degree, etc. Which are usually all red flags. But for some reason I felt like I needed to give it a chance. I ended things because I don't click with him.Conversation with him isn't stimulating for me. He grew up in Ephraim, hasn't been to much school, and sounds uneducated, in how he talks, which kind of drives me crazy, haha. But we had multiple gospel conversations, I helped him start reading the scriptures again, and we talked multiple times about schooling, encouraging him to think about going back to school and get a degree. I ended things because I knew nothing was going to happen long-term. It was really a surprise for him, and was a major bummer, and I felt terrible. Worse than normal, because I felt like he was more fragile than other guys, being not super strong in the Church and what not. And I still really wanted to stay friends and talk and stuff, so I could keep helping him (I left that last part out when I talked to him about it.). And at first things were different, and I thought he wouldn't want to talk anymore, but I just felt so bad about things it was killing me, and we ended up hashing things out again and I told him how bad I felt and he asked me if I was having second thoughts about things, and I said, well as far as long term with us, I still feel the same. And I said, let's just do the friend thing for now, and who knows, maybe there could be something more again later. He was good with that, and then things were good, and we were friends again, and we've still been able to talk about stuff like the Gospel and education, etc.
And now, a month and a half after I ended things, he still texts me every day, without fail, and almost every morning sends me a "Good morning" or "Good morning beautiful:)" text. He's a really sweet guy, I wish I felt more for him, he would be a great husband, I think. Not to mention he's great at giving massages! haha. He's a massage therapist, that's one thing that he does.
Anyway, so that's Darren. :)

-Went to Disneyland the weekend before Christmas!!! Oh man, that was SUCH a fun trip! Tron found cheap flights, so a bunch of us went out there last weekend. Including Mark, Cambri, Jamie, me, and the four of us flew in Thurs night, and spend all Fri in the two parks, then the other four, Tron, Jeremy, Audrey, and Loren flew in Fri and spent the day there with us all Sat. It was such a fun trip, and so fun to be there for Christmastime! Everything is Christmas-y and the Castle is covered in lights and icicles, and different rides are decked out Christmas-y..it was so great. One of the highlights for me was seeing the Aladdin show in California Adventure, it was Aladdin the musical, basically, and it was so good! So fun! Another highlight was going on Splash Mountain twice in a row with Jamie, because it was cloudy and chilly so Mark and Cambri didn't want to go, and going twice because the line was five min. And our FACES on the second time down, haha..SO funny! Good times.

Christmas Eve at work

Wow, it's been a while since I've written.
So I worked on Christmas Eve (two days ago), just an 8 hr shift in the day (which  turned out to be like a 10 hr shift, but whatever), and it was a fine shift, busy, but good. But one of my patients that I had had that day, I had the day before too, and his name was, well we'll call him A. Nash, for HIPAA purposes. He's this single 33 year old (or so?), who is from Iowa, and is an alcoholic. He came out to Utah a couple years ago for a girl mostly, is what it sounded like. That girl didn't work out but he can't afford to move back to Iowa, so he is stuck in Utah. But he basically has no one here in Utah. No friends out here, no family. And he really wants to NOT be an alcoholic. He works at Trader Joe's, and if he didn't show up to work today (Friday), his last chance at work was out. After taking care of him for a couple days, I just really felt this love for him, and wanted to help him and/or be his friend. It just kills me that he has no one out here. And I even talked to his mom a few times on the phone, and she said the same thing, that he doesn't really have anyone out here. And no one should have no one. I am so blessed to have so many good people in my life, friends and family, and I don't know how I would get through life without these people. AND not to mention the Gospel.
I just wanted to help him so much. And of course, with so many other patients I have, I thought, he just needs the Gospel. It would help so many people in their life.
I brought up the Church once the second day, by asking if he was religious at all. He said he was spiritual, but not religious. I told him I was LDS and what a blessing it was in my life, and what a great support the missionaries could be for him, and told him to let me know if he would like me to get them in touch with him.
So when I was discharging him on Christmas Eve, I wrote my email address and the website mormon.org on the last page of his discharge papers, and told him that I don't usually do that, but that he is welcome to email me, that I would love to support him or what not.
That was two days ago, and I haven't heard from him, which I'm not super surprised about, but I do hope that I do. I would love to just be someone that he can talk to or what not. And that could have been a dumb thing to do, but I felt good about it, and I was glad I did it after. He was really appreciative of me as his nurse, and was very sincere in thanking me for everything, which I really appreciated. And he thanked me for everything a couple times. Nice guy.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to write about this experience because it's experiences like this that make this job, that is sometimes really hard and exhausting and not fun, very worth it and fulfilling.

My thankful list: new car!, half marathon!, Sally, friends, etc.

Life in general is good.

Here's what I am most thankful for right now:
-my new car!! About a week ago I bought a car for the first time. It has been a very big deal. After saving for about 7 months, and car shopping for probably 2 long months (I was SO done with car shopping by the time I bought it), I finally found and purchased what seems like will be a good car, and which I love more and more the more I drive it! It's a 2007 Hyundai Tucson, and it's like a light sea foam green color. It's an SUV, which I've wanted for a long time, but never really thought I'd actually own. But it's a small SUV, gets pretty good gas mileage, and it's fun to drive. And it has an awesome radio/CD player, with a remote included, which I think is Jamie's favorite. the radio thing is always lit up and it constantly changes color, it's awesome. The interesting thing about this car buying experience is that I found this 2002 Honda CRV a little while ago, that I really liked, even brought it home, seemed like a great car, loved everything about it except the price. The guy at that dealership wouldn't budge on price, so I left that day, after I was ready to make an offer and buy the car. I was bummed. Then about a week later I decided it was worth the money and I'd just bite the bullet because it seemed like a great car. And I had prayed all week (I worked a lot in the beginning of the week and couldn't do anything about it even if I wanted to) that it would still be there after all my shifts, if I was supposed to buy it. I was, and then the next day I called, and he had sold it the night before. I was absolutely crushed. I felt like it was the perfect car for me, so much that I almost felt like it was a mistake that someone else bought it. I wondered if they might bring it back. Not really, but I just felt totally and completely crushed and regretful. I was so bummed. I totally lost the motivation to look for a car for a little bit after that too.
And even when I bought the car I just bought, I even then felt like though I liked it, and felt like I got a good deal, if I could go back I'd still get the CRV. However, now, after owning and driving this car for even just a few days, I feel like I got the right one, and that I would not go back if I could. That this car is perfect for me, I love it, and I saved about $2000 than if I had bought the CRV. And it was a great car buying experience, the guy let me offer him less than it was listed at, and then he counter-offered and we met in the middle. It was great. Anyway, my point is that even in something such as buying a car, Heavenly Father has our best interests at hand. When I lost out on what I thought was the perfect car for me, in trying to console myself, I tried to think of the possibility of there being something even better in the future. But it was hard to imagine, it really was. And I don't know if my car is necessarily bettter, but in some ways I think for me, it is. I really like the look of it, and have come to like it more and more all the time, maybe even more than the CRV, the radio is awesome, it gets slightly better gas mileage than the CRV I think.. so I just really feel like even in this situation, Heavenly Father had my back. And I did get something even better in the end, that I absolutely love. And I feel so extremely blessed to have been able to buy this car. I was able to pay cash for it, which was always my goal, so it's totally paid off, I got my own insurance for the first time, and it's totally paid for the next six months too. And I still have money in my bank account, which I truly feel so blessed about. Plus, it was really great timing, because right before I bought it, my other car, the Oldsmobile Eighty-Eight, that I've been driving for FIVE years now, since I got home from my mission, had been quitting more frequently, so I feel like I was being watched out for there too. Good timing, but not a coincidence, I feel. God is so good to me.

Other things I'm thankful for:
-My body and being blessed be able to run a HALF MARATHON yesterday with Jamie! Holy moly, I still can't believe I actually ran a half marathon. My body sure feels like I did, still hurts to walk, but man, I just feel so blessed and accomplished. I was not able to train as much as I wanted to or should have, with the busy end of summer recently and I got sick a couple weeks ago, so I was pretty nervous about the race, and just prayed that we could have a good experience, and be able to get through it and run all or most of it. And I was so blessed. We both were. Minus the about ten minute bathroom break halfway through (Jamie had to go to the bathroom, and I stopped and stretched and drank powerade, I was definitely grateful for the little break, I think it made all the difference for me), we pretty much ran the entire race, which completely exceeded my expectations. Hers too. But we just took a good steady, slow pace the entire way, and made it through! And it really wasn't too terrible! That last mile was pretty hard to get through, but we pushed through, and even kind of sprinted to the end! I think mostly because we just wanted to be done, haha. It was so exciting though, I just still can't believe I just ran a half marathon, ha! That is so not like me I feel like. The most I'd ever run before that was my 6.3 mile leg for Ragnar this summer, and I definitely didn't run the whole time. I just feel so blessed to have been able to do this.

-My family, especially my relationship with Sally. For the past year, maybe, I have not had a good relationship with Sally, and I don't really want to take the time to explain why, but since she came and stayed here, and everything came out on the table, with tears and all, things have gotten so much better, and I actually look forward to talking to her, and want to see her, which has not been the case for quite a while, which I've hated. So I feel very blessed and my prayers have been very answered, in that our relationship is so much better now. And I'm hoping to fly down on her birthday next month and surprise her. Just have to find/bribe someone to cover one shift for me..

-My confidence and self-esteem. I feel very blessed to know who I am and to know my worth. At least to the extent I do. I have been blessed with people and experiences in my life that have given me the self-confidence that I have, and I am so so grateful for those things. Like my education, my mission, my testimony, my job, my family and knowing they love me, other experiences like doing EFY (as a counselor), past and current callings, going skydiving, recently going to Havasupai, running Ragnars, now having done this half marathon, etc. I just feel really blessed to be who I am and to have been blessed with the outgoing, friendly, fun personality that I have, and to have been blessed to have these experiences that have shaped me.

-Good friends. Right now I'm in this I'm-sick-of-people phase, including my friends, but I am grateful for them. I'm grateful to have good friends that like me.

-The cool CTR ring I bought at the state fair last night. It's silver, hand made out of the end of a spoon, and engraved with CTR, and I love it! Jamie almost got one too, but then didn't. I used to always wear a CTR ring, for years and years, the same one, and then I lost it in the grass  at an intramural soccer game in nursing school. I got a new one a few months later, which I really liked, but lost that one day after taking it off to put on lotion and forgetting to put it back on before I got out of the car I was riding in, and we never found it. That was about a year ago. I don't wear rings to work, because I wash my hands so much, and it's much easier without rings on I think, just my personal preference, so I just haven't worried about getting a new one. But I'm excited to have this new one. I won't wear it at work, but other times, and I really like it. I like having one on for missionary opportunities.

-Feeling over and okay about Andy. I think I will always remember him with fondness, and cherish our times together and the mistakes we made and what we learned and shared together, and the good times we had, but I don't think about him and miss him near as much as I used to. I think that phone call with him a few weeks ago was very good for me, for that purpose. I feel like that was an end to this era of Andy. And I'm grateful to feel like I'm able to move on.

Well, I'm thankful for many things, but I better quit. Goodnight!

Phone call with Andy, and Tindering it up again!

I know that a majority of what I write in here for like the last...while, is about Andy, but I swear he is not what totally takes up my life. My life is good and I'm very very blessed and happy.
BUT. We talked on the phone yesterday, because I went out with this guy on Thurs--Pres. Hutchings' brother's new wife's son, who they'd been trying to set me up with for about the last year and a hal--and I had told Andy about it a couple different times in the last year, to I told him via texting the other day that it had actually happened, and he asked how it was, and I said it would be better not via text, and could I call him? That was on my way to work Sat. night, and by the time he could talk I was at work. So we ended up talking on the phone Sunday evening, and we just caught up for a bit, and then I told him the rest of the story real quick at the end because he had been driving and had arrived where he was supposed to pick up an investigator for the missionaries.
Anyway, it was good. Really good to talk to him. And it was fine that we weren't able to talk super long. But I felt like I could have (and would have loved to) talked to him all night, for hours, just hearing all about everything he was doing, all about (more about, really) his new job, living in DC, his feelings, how things are going with the goals he had of getting back to where he used to be spiritually, etc. But after we hung up I felt sort of unsatisfied. Maybe because we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked, and our conversation was kind of quickly ended. He said it was good to talk to me, but I didn't quite get the feeling that he would have loved to talk to me for longer like I would have loved to talk to him. So that was kind of a bummer, but maybe I needed to see that. I just haven't been able to really get over him, I still miss him all the time, think about him a lot, still dream of him wanting to fly me out there to spend time with him. Which I would totally do. But maybe this phone call was partly to help me get over him.
Since then I am back to rocking Tinder, haha. I'm currently chatting with about five guys, totally new ones from the last round, and they all seem pretty cool. And three of them want to go out with me. So I'm pretty excited about that. And it has been fun to chat with guys who are wanting to and are actively trying to get to know me. I don't have that feeling with Andy so much anymore, and you need that.
So anyway, I feel better about things not working out with Andy. I get the feeling (as I have at so many different times in the past) that Andy isn't the one. And I feel okay about that right now. And I'm really grateful for that, and to find that there are still other good guys out there. At least these guys seem to be good. Andy did set a high standard for a bunch of things, so we can only hope there are others out there, ha.
Like maybe this guy, Trevor, that I've been chatting with a bunch. He's pretty much way too good looking for me, it will never work out, but he keeps impressing me. He looks like he could easily be a tool, and I "liked" him kind of on a whim, but he seems like an actual genuine guy. And he seems genuinely interested in me. So we'll see.
Gotta go to bed. Have to work again tomorrow and then leaving for Havasupai the next evening!! So excited!

A bunch of dates, but I still miss Andy..?

So I've been on a bunch of dates lately, all first dates, with all different guys--Josh, who was cute and I had to pay for the date; then this week I had three right in a row: country dancing with Jake, who doesn't know how to date but was really fun to go dancing with; McKay who is the crazy talented and busy musician, who is a fun date-planner and a great guy, really good at conversation, but who I still think it would never work out with, ha (he is just somethin else, I can't compete with his energy and passion for..EVERYTHING, haha; and he was wearing skinny jeans..ha), but I'm trying to be open still. And then Adam last night, who is a friend of Heidi's in my ward, and who I thought would be more dorky than he actually was, so it was actually a pretty good date. We went to Footloose at the Sandy Amphitheater, and he's a lawyer, really smart, and fun to listen to because he's intellectual. We actually ended up having a lot of common interests, and by the end of the play I had become pretty fascinated with him, but he's a little more serious than I like. I tried to joke with him after about going to get the performers' autographs, and got zero reaction, ha. But a good guy.
So it's been a fun week! I don't think anything will really come of any of these guys, but I've been able to go on some fun dates at least! And previously I had decided that after all these dates I was deleting Tinder, but I have since decided that I'm not. That I'm just going to keep at it! I'm going to try to keep getting dates, because with the law of numbers, one of these has got to work out eventually, right..? Haha, who knows, but I'm gonna try! I told Jamie today that I'm going to be a Tinder fiend! haha
But after all this, I wouldn't think this would be the case, with all these masculine distractions (oh, and then there's Brian Jones, who I work with, who turns out he seems to have had a crush on me or something, for who knows how long, and I had NO IDEA, and he floored me this last week with tickling me..I still can't really believe it happened, so now THAT'S another thing..don't think he's really my type, but who knows, I think he's probably a lot different outside of work than his stoic personality at work), but I still miss Andy.
I don't always miss him, but I've been thinking about him more the last few days I guess. I was really missing him last night on my date, actually. During the play, I was wishing he was the one sitting next to me and that we were dating, and he would have his arm around me, and I'd have my hand on his leg, or in his other hand, and he'd smell really good... And I even suddenly started to tear up at this thought, which I quickly had to stifle, of course. I was on a date!
I still have this fantasy of him missing me so much that he calls me and tells me this and tells me he'll fly me out if I'll come.. and I would go for a few days, and it would be amazing.
Probably just a dream.

Rocking at Tinder! Haha

So I just have to say there are like 4 guys pursuing me from Tinder! This has never happened, I don't think! Haha

There's Josh, who I went out with a few days ago, we met in Sand for dinner at Chili's, when it was POURING torrential rain. It was a fun dinner, and he was cooler in person than I thought he might be. He was the one who thought I was so pretty but didn't know how to get to know me this way... oh geez. But it was a fun date. But since then, he is even worse at communicating. It's kind of pathetic. Takes forever to answer a text, not a good texter, doesn't call.

Then there's Andy, who I'm going out with tonight, to the Bees game, which should be fun. I feel like we'll probably have a good time.

But then there's McKay, who used to be in Vocal Point, and he has been the funnest to chat with. I've felt so comfortable chatting with him, like I've known him longer. And he loves what I do for work! I mean, he really appreciates my stories, and really respects my job! That is something cool. For a while I wasn't really interested romantically, and it didn't feel like he was either, that we were just chatting like good friends. I think partly because I thought he was pretty short and not my type in some ways. But then he eventually said: "Here's the thing. And...maybe I'm a weirdo. If so, please tell me to scram. But I tinder to meet people, and I'd love to meet you! So maybe if you could send me your number I could give you a call sometime!" I was totally flattered and impressed. That was way cool of him.
So then last night, I stayed up watching youtube videos of Vocal Point when they were on the Sing-Off, and I don't think he's as short as I was thinking, and seems like a really cool guy. So now I'm...pretty interested, you could say, haha. And he called me today! And we're going out on Tues! I'm pretty excited.
Just can't think too far ahead, can't think too far ahead. Can't get crazy over this.
He seems to have a semi-build upper body, which is nice, but maybe some skinny-ish legs. So, we'll have to see. Normally I like guys with legs bigger than mine, since that is my main point of self-consciousness, but I'm trying to be open. And Andy didn't have the biggest legs either, and I ended up basically in love with him. So I'm trying not to make it a deal breaker.
But the other thing is the shoes. I think I saw some converse on McKay's feet in one of the clips...oh dear... :)

The other guy is Collin, who I have like 28 likes (from facebook) in common with, which is way more than I think I've ever seen with any other guy! We've been chatting some, but then he went to Bear Lake recently, and was like, "Catch me on text, I'm going to Bear Lake and might lose signal" and gave me his number. But I wasn't so inclined to just text him. If he would have asked for MY number, to text me, that would have been different. And he was fine to chat with, but not like way super fun like my old Andy, or now McKay have been.

Andy's gone, new Tinder times

Just realized it's been a whole month since I've written in here..woops.

So Andy moved to DC the day we headed up to Bear Lake for our family reunion, on July 14. It had been hard, and I cried in the car for a moment on the way up there, but that's the last time I've cried over him I think. We texted that morning, as he was packing and I was getting ready to go to Bear Lake, and after we texted a bit I felt better about things, specifically about not having gotten to see him one more time before he left. I really had wanted to, and I think he had too, but I was working during both of his goodbye parties he had, which he was bummed about, and then it just didn't work out to see him otherwise, before he left. But it's okay, I'm doing okay. I miss him, lots of things about him, but I feel like I've also been able to get glimpses (like has happened in the past through all this) of that he's probably not the one. But lately, like the past couple weeks I've been missing him and thinking about him more than just after he left. And I felt like maybe there was a reason for that, and maybe he was missing me too, and this really isn't the end for us. And I would daydream about him calling me and telling me he misses me and wants to fly me out there to see him, and of me arriving and our hug, which would be amazing, and just getting to spend time with him. I would do it. And it would be so fun.

But I don't know, I kind of doubt that he is thinking like that.

But I've been back on Tinder, that dating app that we love and we hate, and at first it was totally annoying and discouraging and I was SO unimpressed with all the guys on there, including all the ones who were chatting with me. Talk about lame conversations.. but it has recently gotten better, and I even went out with a guy, Josh, the other night, from Tinder. He doesn't have great texting conversational skills, but more than once he told me I am so pretty, and so beautiful, and that he would love to get to know me better. And who doesn't want to go out with someone who thinks they're beautiful?? I don't get told this by guys, like ever, so I wanted to meet this guy. And it was fun, I paid for dinner because he left his debit card at work on accident, haha, but it was fun, and he wasn't as bad or socially awkward in person as on Tinder. And he wants to do something again, at least to pay me back, haha, and I hope we do, I think he's really cute. He's actually probably the cutest guy I've ever gone out with, especially that wants to go out again. But the last day or two he hasn't been great at responding via text, it's weird. Whatever, we'll see.

But I'm going out with another guy, Andy (ha, another Andy), on Sat. We're going to the Bees game, only because I told him I like going to baseball games in the summer. So I'm excited. We have a lot in common, I'm not sure if we totally click, he's been kind of funny on Tinder, and he seems slightly stiff, at least on the phone this morning. But we'll see, should be fun.

Anyway, I'm still laying in bed after waking up, after working last night. And I work again tonight (and tomorrow night), so I better get up and get ready.

I miss him.

I miss him, I miss Andy so much. I want now, more than ever, to date him. To be with him. To be close to him. I so wanted to spend time with him on the 4th of July (2 days ago), it seemed like we should have been. And I so wish he was coming to Bear Lake with me next week for our family reunion.
I started praying back in March that I would have a boy to bring to Bear Lake with me. I so wanted to have someone of my own this year. It's so hard--not always, but sometimes, and it seems to be getting harder, the older I get and the longer I am alone--to be with family and not have someone of my own. And I hate that I get bummed out about it, and feel down. I wish I could always just be the super fun aunt/sister/sister-in-law. And I guess I can, it's up to me. But it's hard. It's hard to always be by myself. It sucks, frankly. So I just really really wanted someone to bring this time. I was really hoping and praying to be dating someone by then that I could take. And I really had faith that I would be able to. I know Heavenly Father knows and hears me, and loves me and answers my prayers. And I really thought this one would be answered. But our reunion is next week, and here I am, with no boyfriend, just wanting to date someone who doesn't feel good about moving forward with us, and who is also moving to DC that Friday anyway. I'm still really excited about the trip, I hope it's a lot of fun. I just wish I had someone of my own to take.
And last year I remember joking with Jamie (and maybe Wendy was there too), that no matter what, I was taking someone with me! If I wasn't married or dating anyone, I was taking one of them! And now, I just..I don't know, I have no desire to take Jamie. Our relationship with Wendy is different these days than a year ago, better than it's been in the last few months, but just not as close. But my relationship has only gotten even closer with Jamie, and we are definitely best friends. But in the last couple weeks or so, I just have no desire really, to be around her or do stuff with her. I think it's partly because I've been so enveloped with this Andy stuff, with Andy on the brain, and I think he's also made me just want to be with a guy. I'm sick of being with girls. Not that I even live with them. But I just want to be with a guy, to be dating someone so bad. Or just hang out by myself. Is that weird? Jamie's been out of town, at home in Rexburg, this weekend for the 4th, and she really wanted me to go with her, but I didn't go. Partly because I was supposed to work the night after the 4th, so it would have been a really short trip for me. But also because I have just needed time away from her. We are really close and I love her, but she needs me. And I often don't mind that, and it's really nice to feel needed and loved like she makes me feel. But sometimes it's just too much. And I just want to be alone or do my own thing, and not feel like she's going to want to do something any evening I'm not working or what not. And not that she ever pressures me to do stuff or anything, she's not like that at all. But I think I like alone time more than she does, and I have a million projects and things I've been wanting to work on and get done, I feel like I could do my own thing every night. Unless there was a guy.
I wish there was a guy.
I wish there was Andy.

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 4: things are better

So then by Wed, after I wrote that email, I felt SO much better about everything. Miraculously. And I mean that in all seriousness. Because on Monday night when I was a total wreck over this and my heart was broken, I thought to myself, I may never get over this. Or at least it was probably going to take a loooonng time to. So the fact that I felt pretty great about things 2 days later was such a blessing and miracle.

Since then things have been fine, I just miss him. A lot. Sometimes to tears. I miss being with him, and I hate that I know we both like being together, and days like today, the 4th of July, it feels so natural that we should spend it together, but that it's not like that. I finally caved and invited him to the Stadium of Fire (which I did not end up going to b/c I couldn't find anyone to go with me to scalp tickets, everyone already had plans), but he already had plans (he was going with his sister). I just really wanted to see him.
But it's okay, after that, I was kind of frustrated, and I just feel done. I'm done trying, I'm done with him. I love him and miss him and want to date him, and he just isn't returning those feelings, which I can't force, but it's hard. I just miss him.
And I want to be dating someone so bad. So bad. I'm so done with girls right now. I love Jamie, she's amazing, but I just have no desire to see her lately, or hang out with her. I feel so introverted right now, and I think it's because of these dating issues. I don't know.

I better go to bed though.

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 3: my response to his email (HARD day at work)

I saw his email when I woke up Tues morning, read some of it on my phone, some of it on the shuttle to the hospital, but couldn't quite finish it before work.
He texted me mid-morning and asked how I was doing. Then said I didn't have to respond then if it wasn't a good time.
I was pleasantly surprised at his text, and was grateful for it. A few hours later I responded and said I was okay, I had bee better, but that work was a good distraction. And asked how he was. He said he was alright, tired, and just trying to stay busy.
We ended up texting more through the afternoon, and then a lot of the evening after I was done with work, and even up until 12:30 am. And a lot of it was just back to normal, fun texting and chatting, just joking around. It was really nice and helpful to be able to still text him like that.
By the end of work I was much more together and felt okay, work definitely had become a good distraction (the first half was hard, but then things got better), but by the time I got home, it was all on my mind again, and eating dinner at the counter I started to fall apart again and started crying. I tried not to make it obvious, but Dad, who was right there and kind of talking to me, definitely noticed, and asked me if I needed to talk to someone. I fell more apart then, grateful that he had said something and obviously cared (he never really asks me what's wrong or how I'm doing, etc., we just don't talk a lot about that kind of stuff), and I told him it was about Andy, and that he had called me the night before and I thought we were on the same page and we weren't. Then I went down to my room and showered and got ready for bed, after having another bout of major tears.
After I was out of the shower my mom came down and sat on my bed and asked me about it all, as I sat on the toilet (closed lid) across from her. I told her all about everything, and started crying here and there again. Talking to her really helped. Really really helped. She said a lot of things that helped, even gave me hope that maybe right now just wasn't the time but that something would happen with him later. And her perspective as my mother was insightful and helpful as well.
So that was really nice.
Then yeah, Andy and I continued to text that night until we went to bed.

So then Wed morning I wrote him back.


(Andy,)
Ok, sorry I didn't respond to this last night after all. I was pretty tired by the end of the night and thought I better respond in the morning instead.

But I figured your response to my email would make a difference, and it did. So thank you for taking the time to write it. Especially in the middle of the night..:/ It has definitely helped explain some things and see things from your view, and interesting to to hear your perspective, and know what you were thinking through all these times.

You are mostly right, about both of our intentions through all these post-break up times we've spent together. Until the Saturday part. And I agree that yes, we probably shouldn't have been so physical when we weren't dating, ever. But I found ways to justify most of those times as well, slightly different than what you were thinking, but I felt mostly okay about them, nonetheless. I knew we both always still cared about each other, and we kept a pretty good relationship through texting and whatever other communication, we kept in touch, still had a good friendship and good relationship, and got along really well, which I felt justified our showing physical affection those times we were together. And I always thought, it's not like we just plan to get together to make out or anything. I felt like we were still just figuring things out, and that's just part of how we were doing it, figuring things out, part of our process or whatever. Although, now writing this out, and being objective now, makes my justification seem slightly less justified too. Ha, funny how that is.. But anyway, that's how I'd always felt about it. And yeah, there was always still that thought in my head too, of, maybe this really could work out still..

So before Sat. I was always still a little unsure of whether I wanted to date again or not, and actually usually leaned toward feeling like it wasn't right, which you understood correctly all this time, and which is why I never pushed anything or expected anything else before, and probably the extra time we had to figure things out played a factor in making me not feel rushed to really decide once and for all. But I've always kind of kept you as an option in the back of my mind because of what a good person you are and the good times we've had and how much we enjoy being together we've gotten back together. 

So then Saturday happened, which I think is the main issue here, and why this has all come up. I think the biggest difference for me between all the other times we've spent together since breaking up, and Sat. night was that for whatever reason, my feelings had changed by the end of the night, had increased, and I could see us together more than before. For me, it seemed like a perfect night. And I wanted to keep spending time with you. I think a lot of why was that I was very aware that even though we didn't kiss like usual, it was still such an enjoyable night, even more so even, to me, than when we did. And I think that was pretty huge to me. It was such a carefree, comfortable night with you, part of the time I felt like we were married, or that's what it would be like to be married, just fun and comfortable. And maybe I realized that that thought was okay. Or at least that I was no longer sure that it wasn't right and that I didn't want that, with us.

So it was after that night that I guess I was hoping and assuming you must have felt the same way, just about how enjoyable it was to be together, and wanting to spend more time together. I knew you had had a good time, topped with all that comfortable and safe physical affection that we obviously both enjoyed, giving and receiving, and I wondered how you couldn't want to keep spending more time together like that too. 

Oh, and one of the reasons I thought you must be thinking the same thing that night was-- so I was not planning on talking about anything that night, about us, I didn't really want to. I just wanted to enjoy being together and for once not talk about things. And before I came down, I was not planning on there being a reason to, either, ha. Then when we were hugging after watching the movie, you seemed to be sighing heavily, like there was a lot on your mind right then, which is why I asked you what you were thinking, and you said something about having torn thoughts and about complicated dumb situations, or something along those lines, which I just assumed (I've now quite learned I should not assume what a guy is thinking, ever.) meant you were rethinking your previous decision not to date again, and that you were wanting to, and that the fact that you were leaving soon was the complicated part. So naturally I felt great about that, you wanted to date again too! Or so I thought, haha. So when you asked what I was thinking, I think I said something like, "similar things," or something. That's probably why I seemed un-phased to you, because 1. I didn't want to have a long exhausting conversation about us again, so I didn't want to delve more into and have you expound on what you meant, and 2. I felt like we were on the same page, and I was happy about that. Ironic, yes? Turns out we were not thinking similar things, haha. 

So then after Saturday night was so great, like I said, I realized I really did want to spend more time with you, like now, and anytime I could, before you left, and my assuming you felt the same way was the problem.

But it's all good, now that I know what you are thinking, I'm okay. It was just having incorrect assumptions and expectations, and those being wrong, that was hard. But I'm better now, I've recovered. Like I said the other night, I just needed to know. So thank you for being honest with me, and being willing to talk this out. I have so appreciated that in our relationship, from the beginning. That we've been able to have such good communication.

But I'm also really glad we can obviously still be good friends and have a good time chatting. Really grateful, actually. And thank you so much for texting me yesterday at work. I saw it a few hours before the time I actually had time to respond, and that meant a lot to me, to hear from you and know you still cared to know how I was doing. And it helped.

And about your physicality issue, if it makes you feel any better, that is one of the things I have loved about you actually. Physical affection is definitely one of my main love languages, and so I've loved how touchy you are. I want that in who I marry, it's important to me. But yes, it does need to be kept in check, of course; and the only thing I caution you against is being touchy and physically affectionate when there isn't further meaning behind it. But I think you know that by now. :)

Thank you for your apology. Some of these things were hard to hear, but I do forgive you. How can I not? I'm just as imperfect as you. And I still care about you a lot. I also appreciate your understanding of me, and not being mad at my last email, and letting me feel those ways, and then still caring about me. 

You are a good person, Andy. I know you don't feel like you are where you need to be right now, spiritually, and that's okay. We all have those times. So do what you need to do to get back there. I have complete confidence that you will and you'll be just fine, and stronger for it. I continue to be impressed with your spirituality, even if you feel like you are lacking it right now, but you are a good, righteous person, who is humble enough to realize his mistakes, and want to improve. That is impressive and admirable. So hang in there and move forward from here. Let me know if there's ever anything I can do for you.

Hope you're having a better day today. :)

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 2: his response to my email

Hey (Melissa),  

    So I woke up in the middle of the night and randomly decided to check my phone and saw your email and so I read it, and my mind wouldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't sleep, so I figured I better go sit down and get my thoughts out to you.  As I was reading what you had written, I thought, "she has every right to feel frustrated/angry/hurt/etc" and I have been continually bothered by my choices and actions lately in regard to you.  I was talking to my bishop on Sunday and he said that I need to recognize that one of my big weaknesses is physicality and that I really need to focus on strengthening that weakness, and I completely agree with him.  And it's a weakness that I have failed spectacularly at strengthening much while we have dated.  But before you feel too hurt or angry, I have a lot more to say because you are right, there were many things going through my head on Saturday, and these things also played a factor in previous times we've been together.  

     First of all, I do care about you a lot.  We have had some great experiences together, great talks, and great times.  We are also in a very similar situation in life.  I say that first to help frame the way I think my mind has come to see our relationship and in a large part how I've come to (wrongly) justify initiating or being physical during any of the time we've spent together in the past little while.  We both know and have expressed how hard it is to be single so long, and obviously we both know how nice it is, and how comforting it is to be with someone.  It takes away part of that ache.  I think there have been multiple episodes in our relationship that have caused me to believe that at times when (according to my perspective) we both felt like the relationship couldn't go anywhere, but still cared a lot about each other, we would hug longer, or kiss, because it was comforting and it was something we could do for one another.  I know that seems weird or twisted, but there are some examples that stand out in my mind that may help you see how I might come to think that.  The most prominent is the first time we did something after that first bigger mess up.  You came down to the house in Provo I was living at, if I remember right we had kind of a group date thing going, and afterwards we hugged and kissed a little bit, but then I asked if we could go on a drive and talk, and I expressed how I felt like I couldn't kiss you anymore because I felt like it was cheapening the repentance of that previous time things had gone to far when I came up to Salt Lake.  So we drove around for a while talking, and we both expressed feelings about being single, about each other, and at the end of the conversation we were kind of at the point where we felt like things were over because it wasn't feeling right.  And I was going to do my best not to kiss you, and I think what was going to be a brief kiss (mutually initiated from what I thought) ended up going a lot longer, and I (weakly) made attempts early on to pull away, but you didn't seem to be having that (I'm not blaming anything on you, if I really wanted to stop it I could have) but in my mind I thought, "We're both kind of suffering right now, and this conversation hasn't been easy for either of us, and we care about each other a lot, so I guess this is just a way we can show we do care about each other and maybe comfort each other at a difficult time."  Now obviously looking at this objectively, I don't see this as justifying kissing when you're not dating, but that's what was going through my head.  And then afterwards you said, "Thank you.  I needed that." Which made me feel a lot better about it, and in my mind reinforced the reasoning behind it happening.  

     Is this making any sense?  I feel like this wasn't an isolated experience, and that before and after in one way or another, in my mind we kind of reinforced this notion that this was happening, whether we'd be kissing and one or the other of us would jokingly ask, "what are we doing?" and we would kind of laugh and keep kissing or we would kiss after going too far and talking about it, but this later kiss was meant to be more out of gratitude or whatever.  Now just mix that train of thought in with the fact that it was really hard (certainly for me, but I felt like for both of us) to close that door of being physically close and still do things together, AND that when we would get together we would have a better time together than maybe either of us expected to and I think we both would have thoughts like well maybe this could work... 

      I think that on Saturday all of the things I've mentioned were coming into play.  First, I was having a great time with you.  And second, there was that physicality door that we had never really figured out how to shut, and like you have said, we are both very comfortable around each other.  Third, it had become easy for me to see the physicality as something that you (and I, obviously) liked, that made you feel good, comforted, etc., and so things like giving you a massage felt good to do because I could tell it was making you happy and I wanted that.  Then when we had a long hug afterward the movie, and you asked what I was thinking, and I responded that my thoughts were complicated or whatever, it didn't seem to phase you and thus further reinforced in my mind the pattern and the justification of us being close because we cared about each other while feeling things weren't going to work out, and this was a way we could comfort each other.   In my mind, I figured that's how we both felt about it.  I was going to leave in 3 weeks, we'd already had a decently drawn out relationship history of ups and downs and things weren't feeling right to move forward, but we still cared about each other this is how we've kind of always been haha....  (I laugh because it is true, but like you, I do want to convey that I'm being serious). Now I see that we were not on the same page, and that by cuddling, or giving the massage, or anything that happened, I was being very unfair, selfish, and lazy by letting myself fall into those things rather than being strong like you were, which I am so grateful for.  

      I hope something I've said resonates with how you've felt at least in part, or at the very least you can see how our past interactions could lead me to make these justifications (justifications that I kind of always thought we were making together). Maybe I was making them alone the whole time, I don't know.

      I have to say that in writing all this, there is a part of me in the back of my mind that keeps saying that I'm just making excuses for my weakness towards being physical.  And I use the word "justification" a lot in this email because at the end of the day, I should never have chosen to kiss you while we were not officially dating, and that is a mistake and a burden I have to carry.  All of the things I've written are things that were going through my mind, but that doesn't excuse in the least my choices. I could have been a lot stronger from the first time we decided to do something after we had officially "broken up" and the precedent for justifying in my mind the way I have explained would never have become a pattern.  

      I have tried to paint a picture of my thought process through all of this, and I am so sorry about the result of it.  I feel so weak and ashamed, and I feel like the consequence of this is that I've messed with your emotions and feelings.  These things that have been going through my head explain what I was thinking, but seem to me to be a large part just a justification for a weakness.  None of those things I was thinking was sound, gospel-derived logic, and I guess they simply helped me to see the world in a way that made my choices not as bad.  That is definition of what a justification is.  The pattern of our choices made them easy to repeat, but I am very responsible for that pattern.  

      I need to ask your forgiveness again.  Yes, there were a lot of things going through my head, but at the end of the day and despite all that, I have displayed some pretty disappointing weakness and you have the right to feel insulted or used.  I am so sorry.  I have let you down, I've let Heavenly Father down, and I've let myself down.  I have lots of repenting to do and I know I need to get back to a place I used to be spiritually where I was stronger.  You are stronger, and I thank you for your example.  I don't know what else I can do to make this right, but I want to do anything that I can.  You have been a great friend and my choices in relation to that friendship have been small-minded and weak.  It is interesting for me to see how Satan has slowly been binding me down through my thoughts and actions over a long period of time.  I am frankly afraid of where I am at right now, and I have a long ways to go.    

        Wow, this is way too long.  I am sorry I have been so long winded.  If anything in here doesn't make sense, keep in mind that I did write it in the middle of the night :) and feel free to ask for any clarifications.  I hope you were able to get some good sleep.  

Hard turn of events with Andy, part 1

So after that night, when we went to the play and watched a movie together, and I felt like I basically wanted to date again, and wanted to see him whenever I could before he left..well I felt like he felt the same, it sure seemed that way that night, it was such a perfect night, so fun, and so comfortable. It was amazing.
Well. Turns out he was not thinking what I thought he was thinking, and this all came out 2 nights later, on Monday night, June 23.
I hadn't heard from him all day, even after texting him something funny in the morning, that I thought he'd at least respond to. I had thought about him practically constantly since Sat. night, and by Mon afternoon/evening, it felt like he wasn't thinking about me at all, and that was hard, and I had to know if it was true.
So I called him out on it, and essentially asked him if he had been, and told him why I was asking, and that I just needed to know what he was thinking.
He immediately called me, and we talked for almost 20 min, and he told me, in a very nice way, that though yes, he has a lot of fun and enjoys being with me too, and cares about me, he still just doesn't feel peace about moving forward with us. That was hard to hear, and I started crying on the phone (dang it). He felt really bad, of course, because he's so great.
I also brought up our planned aquarium outing that we were going to meet up in Draper for the next Tues, and how if that's how he feels, then maybe it wasn't a good idea to get together, because I think it's too hard to be with you and not be dating, essentially. He still thought it would be fun, but he said if it would cause me more pain, then that's fine if we didn't. I said we could just be in touch about it (that Tues has since passed, and we did not get together).
We hung up and I just lost it. Uncontrollable sobs, I was a mess. My heart was completely broken. Just when I was so sure I wanted to be with him, he didn't feel the same. And I didn't understand why. I mean you can't argue with someone just not feeling peace about something, but I KNOW he loves being with me too, it's very obvious, we both care a lot about each other, and the way he treats me when I'm with him, like Sat. night, for example, it's so hard for me to understand how he can treat me like that, and hold me that tight and kiss my face so tenderly and amazingly, and not want to be with me as often as he can before he leaves. I don't get that. When we get along so well and click so well and have chemistry and are so comfortable with each other. The next night I was talking to my mom about the situation, I was struggling still, and I was describing his and my relationship like that, and she said that that's marriage, that's the kind of guy you want to marry, who you have fun with and are so comfortable with.. so yeah, I don't get it. She really doesn't get it and has really felt good about Andy. So that's interesting.
But anyway, after crying for a little while, I became frustrated with Andy, and needed to get some more things out to him. So I wrote him this email that night, and didn't finish and send it until 1:30 am, which was bad because I had to work the next morning (that was a rough day at work..at least the first half..swollen eyes, so tired, emotionally drained and on the verge of tears..).
But here is the email.

(Andy,)

One more thing.

Something I didn't say about the whole just being friends thing was (I'm way better at writing out my thoughts, and decided to save you text space:) that yeah, I thought we would be too, and do the just friends things, and I felt fine about that and about hanging out and such. But then at the play you cuddle with me and treat me like we're dating (which I really appreciated and enjoyed, in fact, because I felt meaning behind it, and I was loving being with you), and then you take me to your house to watch a movie and you are so cute to me and massage me and cuddle with me again (though I was grateful you didn't try to kiss me during the movie, so thank you. Not because I didn't want to, but I don't want to kiss anymore if I don't know we're dating, in addition to wanting to completely avoid previous mishaps altogether); and then there was all the cute kissing of my face and long hugging..all of which is what made me think, oh, maybe he does want to be more than friends again, it seemed like that's maybe what you were thinking and wanting after all, and I felt okay about that. I am a very independent person, but my heart is a little more fragile than that. You can't expect to massage me and cuddle with me and hold me that tight for that long and kiss my face like that, and do all these cute and sincere things, and me not want to see you more and date that.:) Especially when we already click so well and have so much fun together. You can't expect me to think we're not more than friends, as you do these things all night, when I had thrown out the idea of trying dating again to you the last time we were together, and when I know you like being with me too. You seemed so sincere and caring about everything. I can't have an amazing night like that with you anymore and then not get to see you for a while or hear from you much because we're not actually dating or you don't actually feel that way about me or want to move forward. I've come to care about you too much, and it's kind of a let down. Not to mention slightly insulting and makes me feel used. And maybe you weren't sure how you felt at the time either, which would help explain. Or maybe I'm seeing it wrong. I don't know. I don't feel like you would just do that, knowingly. I know you care about me, I do. Or maybe it's just too easy to be so physical, with our past. But that is where the problem lies, I suppose. So if we do end up getting together again for the aquarium or what not and you still feel the way you do, don't you dare do more than hug me. 

:)

And while I say all this in somewhat of a light tone, at the same time I'm also serious. 

But I know there's always two sides to every situation, and I'm sure there were lots of thoughts going through your head that night, so if so, feel free to fill me in.

Hope you're sleeping well.

So many blessings

I just got back from church, and I'm just feeling very blessed today. Reasons being:
-Had a really great time with Andy last night. He had just gotten back from his NYC/DC trip the night before, and we were texting yesterday and he invited me down to go to the musical Cinderella at the Scera Shell. It was really fun, and just so comfortable and..fun. I had basically decided before that I didn't want to kiss that night, I wanted to prove to myself, to Heavenly Father, to Jamie, for the sake of us, that we could get together and have a good time withOUT that, without the kissing. And it was hard, but he was good and didn't push it, and didn't try to kiss me during the movie we watched, which I REALLY appreciated, and we didn't kiss. He stole a couple pecks, and he kissed me a bunch on the face at the end of the night, which I think I may like more than on the lips! No sore or swollen lips! Haha, but it was all just so nice and comfortable and fun, and much more innocent. Not sure what is going to happen with him, he moves to DC in less than a month, but I'm not really worried about it. Things will work out how they're supposed to.
-Church was so good, I taught Temple Prep, and despite my not preparing much before hand (or before church, at least), I was very blessed and the lesson went pretty well, I think. Jamie came, as usual, I had treats, and Mark came too (Jamie's brother). So that was really fun.
-I've been trying to get my work shift for this Fri night covered b/c I was scheduled for it but can't work it, b/c it's during Ragnar, and the girl that thought she could take it for me for the last few weeks just let me know Fri that she can't, so I've been trying to switch with someone for last night or tonight, and Andrea has said she'll just take it for me! So my shift is covered AND I don't have to work today, on Sunday, at all! For this I am so so grateful.
-I am happy today, just feel so happy. Lately I just haven't felt this way a lot, I've been kind of moody a lot lately, with my parents, Sally, even Jamie yesterday; and I hate that I feel like it has to do with how things have been in the dating dept...I don't know if that's the case, but I certainly think my good night with Andy last night has affected my mood for the better.
-I don't have to work tonight OR tomorrow. That alone makes me so happy.
-Had a good conversation with John Ericksen, my elementary friend Emily's little brother. I haven't talked to him literally in years, I think, even though we've been in the same ward for quite a while. That was fun to break that ice I've avoided and have a good chat with him and hear all about how his family is doing.

So many other things about today have been great, I am so blessed.

Another date with Brian Fleming..what?

So totally out of the blue, as I was taking a break yesterday (Sat.) from our yard clean-up project, just sitting here in my room on the floor, I get a text from Brian Fleming, the guy who I was pretty sure I would never hear from again, and he wants to know how I'm doing, and that he knows this is last minute, but what am I up to tonight?
I couldn't believe it.
I told him no set plans, and then he asked if I would like to go to the Bees game with him and his cousin and her boyfriend. First of all, the Bees game? Ha, that's ironic. That's what Andy didn't want to do..interesting.
but of course I said sure, that sounded fun!
I wasn't totally excited about it, but I wasn't dreading it either. Partly because of the current Andy situation, and how full my heart was for him at the moment; but also because of the lack of hearing from Brian. So I thought it would probably be a fun night, but had no expectations at this point.

Well, turns out it was a really fun night. I mean, really fun. Brian is a very good dater, he definitely knows how to treat a girl well. He is a great gentleman--always opens my door, buys me whatever I want for dinner, etc., but what I was most impressed with that night was when we walked to and from the stadium, he always walked on the outside of me, toward the street. I've seen one, maybe two, other guys do that on dates, ever. My Dad does it too. But I was super impressed he did that.

But he was just so fun to be with, he's really great at conversation and asking questions, and I asked them back too. I was more comfortable with him last night than before, so my sarcastic, joking side came out more in the beginning, and then by the end I was just on one, and we were both cracking up through out the night. He was reacting really well to my humor, thought I was really funny, which only eggs me on, haha. In the car after, I had made a joke, and he laughed pretty good, and then said something like, "I have to tell you, I really really really really really appreciate your sarcasm." Haha! That totally made my day! He said that he is kind of particular about sarcasm, and that if when he first meets someone they are all sarcastic with him, he's like, who are you? You don't know me.. But he said that that first time we talked at the speed dating activity, he didn't really get any from me, and then on our first date he caught some here and there, and then tonight on this date--then I don't remember what he said about that current date, that I was a lot more or something..and that he loved it, or something. I was just laughing, flattered and kind of giddy that he thought I was funny. And I was like, "So the second date isn't too soon..?" Haha, and he was like no!  Oh, funny. That kind of made my day.

At some point in the evening, we were just chatting, looking at each other, and he says, "You have fabulously blue eyes." Wow. WOW. I was totally flattered, that was so nice. And I loved that he was comfortable complementing me, at all, and already.

When dropping me off, he made reference to the ongoing joke we'd had all night, about me being miserable, and I was laughing, and then he gave me a good hug. As he was getting back in his car, he sincerely thanked me, which did not happen after the first date, not like that. So I felt excited about the good possibility of him asking me out again.

Today, during church, he actually texted me and thanked me again for last night (which also didn't happen last time), and told me good luck on my lesson, and that it was gonna be great! I was so excited to see that text! Kind of couldn't believe it. We have the same calling, haha, Temple Committee Co-Chair (I think that's what it is, haha), and I had mentioned that I was teaching today.

After church I texted him back, and we texted a little bit, I asked him what he usually does on Sundays, and he asked me back, but that was about it. I was kind of hoping he would want to do something tonight, because he leaves tomorrow (I think) for Chicago til Friday for work. But no luck on seeing him tonight, but that's fine, I need to not want to rush things. I've still got the Andy thing, and slow is good. Slow is good. I just had so much fun with him last night, and I think the feeling was mutual, which was amazing. And Brian is a good guy, not perfect, he's a little boastful about some things occasionally, but no one is perfect, right? And he wears name brand clothes...but I've decided if that's the worst thing, I can deal with it.. haha.

Is that bad that I'm already thinking of a future with Brian, when just two days ago I was an emotional mess over the thought of losing Andy? Oh man, this dating thing is such an emotional rollercoaster..

Hung out with Andy, first time in almost 3 months..it was so good, and a little rough.

I had been wanting to see him, so I texted him Wed evening as I left for work (took me all day to decide to text him, I wasn't sure what he would say..), and just asked what he was up to the next couple nights, and would he want to do something fun like go to a Bees game or something.
His answer was very positive and he said yeah that would be fun, but he's not super into baseball, but there were a lot of other fun things to do..:)

I didn't mind that, I just wanted to see him and was THRILLED that he wanted to too, and that I was going to see him very soon then..! That made me giddy at work a little bit. That was a nice start to my shift that night, seeing his response. :)

So long story short, we were going to check out the new aquarium in Draper, but last minute on Thurs (last night) Andy found out it closed at 6 pm and had called me to tell me the news (loved talking to him on the phone, it was so good to hear his voice). So after some brainstorming and Google-ing, we ended up meeting up at the Color Me Mine in Draper (he'd never been, had wanted to, and I had a coupon), to find out we were 30 min too late after they take their last painters of the day. So we ended up walking over to Zupas (our "usual" haha), ate and chatted there, and then brainstormed and figured out what to do.

The whole evening hanging out with him was so enjoyable, even just sitting there across from him chatting. I was so comfortable and it was SO good to see him.

Best part though I'd say were the hugs I got when I first saw him. We had a good long hug when we first met up, after he had said he liked my bright colors that I was wearing; and then as we were standing near Zupas, having just started walking after our rejection at Color Me Mine and stopped to figure out where to eat, we were just standing there trying to decide what to do, and he just put his arms around me and hugged me really good again. I loved that. Loved that. That meant so much to me. I had missed him so much and missed being close to him.

After Zupas we decided to go check out IKEA, because I had never been and always wanted to, and he had only been once. So we went there and How To Train Your Dragon was playing on this flat sreen at the front, in front of two couches, conveniently. So we sat down and watched the last twenty min or so, which was really fun. We sat close and he put he arm on the couch, just behind me. I so wanted to put my hand on his leg or heck, even hold his hand, but I resisted. But it was just nice and comfortable to sit there with him, watching and joking about the movie together.

After walking around IKEA for a little bit it closed and we got kicked out. But that was so fun too! We have a lot of the same opinions for things that we liked and didn't like that we saw, like kitchen set-ups and uses of space. We're both all about efficient use of space, and functionality. It was so fun to do that, and again, I was just so comfortable with him. He was a little flirtatious here and there, which I was slightly surprised about, I wasn't sure what to expect as far as going there, but it was fun. And made me what else the night would bring or what he had in mind or wanted or was planning. I had certainly been reconsidering dating him again, and wanting it off and on, but had no idea what he had been thinking all this time. I knew he still really cared about me, but that was about it.

So we went out to the car and I said, "Well, what do you want to do now?" He had thrown out the idea of a movie earlier, so threw that out again, as well as something else that I can't remember. I said either sounded good, and then I said what sounded amazing was watching a movie outside. It was SO nice outside then, I thought that would be so fun. He agreed, so as he drove we tried to figure out how to make that work..we were in Draper, with nothing.

We ended up going to the drive in! I had only been to one in my whole life, and it was last summer, and it was fun. Although I didn't have a boy that I loved with me  that time, so I was really excited. :) Although we were just in his Honda Civic, had no bean bag or many blankets or anything, but we thought we'd try to make it work anyway. I suggested just moving the front seats up and sitting in the back seat.

So we did. And he held me close immediately. And I loved it. So much. I missed being close to him.

Then it didn't take too far through the movie for him to slowly start giving me hints that he wanted to kiss me. His head was really close to mine, and he started caressing my face/jaw line with his hand, and then around my lips, and then my lips. I couldn't help but slowly turn my head toward his, although I was loving even just what he was doing. Soon after that we were kissing. And I didn't mind at all. I was slightly surprised that he was kissing me, just in general, I wasn't totally expecting him to kiss me at all that night, I knew that just having a fun, kiss-free night was definitely possible. But I also wasn't too surprised either. It's hard not to open that door once it has been, and we both really care about each other too, we're still really close.
So anyway, whether we should have initially or not, there we were, kissing in his back seat, haha. Definitely something I'd never done before, kiss in the back seat of a car..haha
So we kissed off and on through out the movie, and then for a bit after. Long story short, we should have stopped before we did, and things got a little too heated, and ended in him feeling very frustrated and mad at himself, and regretting what he had done. Sound familiar? I couldn't believe we had let this happen again. I should have stopped sooner too, and after we got out of the car to get back in the front seats, I realized I was physically affected as well, and knew I had gone too far too.

So we had kind of an uncomfortable, somewhat quiet ride back to Draper to my car, and ended up talking there in that parking lot for a long time, about what had happened, his feelings, my feelings..his reasons, my questions.. We discovered the reason he kissed me was different than the reason I had let him kiss me. I loved him and wouldn't have minded deciding to date again that night, I was enjoying being with him so much and had had such a great and comfortable and innocent evening with him so far, I had loved that he wanted to kiss me at all. That meant so much to me, at the time.

But he told me, in more words than this, that when he knew he could probably get me to make out with him, that's kind of what happened. I was kind of hurt by that, he said he felt like a monster, and I just really wanted him to tell me, to clarify that the reasons he kissed me wasn't all just to get action. That somewhere in there it was because he cared about me. And he said that yes, he certainly cared a lot about me, and thinks I'm amazing, but that if he really cared about me, he never would have kissed me (man, guys and girls think so differently...). I asked him two or three times, that same question, and he kept saying he didn't want to hide behind this, that he had been weak, and he's been tired of trying, and hasn't been doing the things in his life to keep him strong.

So after discussing things further, I just concluded and told him--and maybe this was me convincing myself so as to protect my heart--that I couldn't believe that part of the reason that he kissed me wasn't because he cared, somewhere in there. He never could confirm that, but I just had to think him better than that. Maybe yeah, because it might have been too hard on me to think of him really just using me. That thought is very hurtful even right now. So I choose not to believe it.

We did talk about other things, I brought up the thoughts I'd been having over the last few months, considering dating and trying it out again, even with him moving to DC soon, just enjoying each other, as we clearly both do, and said we do, while it lasts, while he's still around. And I told him I wasn't necessarily posing a question or needing an answer, but I just wanted to share those thoughts I had been having. And I'm glad I did. I never want to wonder "what if" with anything, like after he moves or what not. And I'm glad he at least knows how I feel. I won't live with the regret of not letting him know. That's a blessing.

He basically said he still cares about me a lot, and always has so much fun with me, but still feels the same as far as marriage, that it's not right with the two of us. He said all this in many more words and less straight forward, which I thought was nice on his part, because though I wasn't super surprised, and I still feel that way sometimes too (when I'm not wanting to date him again), it was an easier "blow" to hear it the way he said it. But that was the gist.

When we eventually got out to say goodbye, we stood at my car, and hugged for another while, and talked some more, as per our usual. But it was so good. The feeling between us had become much more positive (than when he first realized we had kissed too much and the fun feeling of the night came to a sad end) and I felt so close to him. I made him laugh pretty good, and we joked a bit standing there. We kissed a little bit, but with so much just love and appreciation for each other. A much different feeling than in the car. Yeah, there was definitely too much passion going on there. So this was nice. After a few nice simple kisses, he was like, "okay, that's all I can justify to say thank you." Haha, that made me laugh, I don't know why, I just love him and was happy that he was willing to kiss me again, but end on a good note kiss I guess, as well as joke a little still.
Those were sweet, sweet kisses, our good-bye kisses.

Then I left.

My lips were swollen and my bottom lip was pretty sore, and I had this dumb purple mark on my neck that Andy had noticed as we were talking in the car at the end (which neither of us could believe was even there, he had kissed my neck for mere seconds! We both thought it took a lot longer to make something like that to show up! It was so ridiculous, and I was so incredulous that I had a freaking hickey, I just kept laughing about it! More just out of shock. What?!? Seriously?? You barely kissed me there!! Well, turtle necks and fashion scarves are in right now, right..? Geez...haha. And I know we shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him, that this is kind of a serious thing we did (dang it was enjoyable though, I'd never been kissed on the neck, and it was AMAZING. But I can see why that kind of kissing is supposed to be saved for marriage. Also, because I felt after, you don't want to create those intimate feelings/experiences/memories with someone you aren't going to marry, I want to share that special intimate experience with only who I'm going to be with forever now. That was a good lesson to learn. Learned by mistake, but learned, nonetheless.), but I was completely shocked that I had a hickey! Never in my life did I think I would ever have one of those...

Anyway, there were things about the night I--well, WE--would have both done differently, we had messed up again (you'd think we would have learned after the first time, dang it), but I certainly didn't/don't regret getting together with him. Before the night went a little to far, it had been so fun, so so fun, to be with him and just hang out together, doing whatever. Walking through IKEA, for heavens sakes, and enjoying it. I love him, still, and I told him I really hope we still do things together before he moves. He left today for DC to look for housing with his roommate, Carlos, but I told him we should do something just fun, after he gets back. He agreed, and wants to too.

NEXT DAY (today)
This is the email I sent him this morning, as I was sitting outside the temple. I had been planning on going to the temple today, on my day off, but then after last night I didn't quite feel like I should go in, maybe. So I found a nice spot to sit, amidst the bussel of Temple Square and all the brides and tourists and missionaries and Church employees walking around on their lunch break, to sit and look at the temple and think and ponder and pray about what had happened last night, and Andy, and whether I should go in or not. I eventually concluded that I was not going to go in today. I didn't want to treat temple worship, or worthiness so casually that after breaking a covenant last night, with Andy--even not as seriously as I could have--just going right in the next morning. I felt a lot of regret about it, especially this morning when I woke up, and wanted Heavenly Father to know that I really was sorry, that I had messed up. I didn't feel like I needed to necessarily go talk to the Bishop or anything, but forgoing going into the temple I felt like was necessary that day.
And it was a really neat and nice experience, and very healing, to just sit there in the amazing weather, thinking, praying, and eventually writing a long email to Andy, getting some thoughts out that I'd been having that morning about things.

So here's the email:

Hey.

So I'm sitting outside the temple right now, and I've been thinking about a lot of things, a lot about last night. And I just needed to message you about a couple things.

I woke up this morning feeling worse about last night than I did last night, feeling much more guilty. Maybe that's normal. And it's probably a good thing. But again, I needed to write you. I know we've both said sorry already, but I feel even more accountable and part of the problem. I know you feel like it was all your fault, but this was, and preventing it in the future is, definitely a team effort. I realize that more clearly today I guess, and mostly what I wanted to tell you is that I am so sorry I didn't fully do my part in preventing  mistakes and regret last night.  I was aware that we probably should be stopping and that we were treading dangerous waters, but I let it keep going. I'm so sorry I didn't help out more in controlling the situation. I feel like I put the responsibility too much on you, and didn't take enough of the responsibility myself, in the moment and after. And I'm really really sorry for that. And yeah, things could have been a lot worse and  I know we're both going to be okay, but I feel the same as you, that even if it wasn't in the most serious way I could have, I broke a covenant nonetheless. And I feel really bad about that. I know better. So please don't feel like it was all your fault, it certainly wasn't. Don't place all the blame on yourself. I was weak too. I didn't do what I could have, and I'm so sorry. 

So I want you to know that I will be stronger. That if/when we ever do anything again, I promise I will be a better team player (for lack of a better word), and I will help a lot more in keeping things in check, so that nothing happens that we regret. I hate that I didn't do my part enough last night again, and let a really fun night go a little too far. Especially because I'm scared that thinking of me is going to be associated with feelings of regret now. So for even just that reason alone, I hope we can do something after your trip, to not end on that note, please..? :) We are both stronger than this. And I feel like we've learned this lesson sufficiently enough that it really won't happen again.

Anyway, that's all. Thanks for letting me get these thoughts out. You sure mean a lot to me. Hope you're having a good day. :)

Love, Melissa

We've texted some today, which has been good. He thanked me for the email and said he really appreciated it, which meant a lot to me. 

He means so much to me, and it scares me to think of him leaving. To think of losing him. Losing a good friend who we have been through so much together and come so far in our relationship. 

Day at a time.

Prayer answered, an enemy conquered

Yesterday was a big milestone. I feel like I befriended an enemy.
There's a nurse that I work with, Maegan Gillis. She is the Clinical Nurse Coordinator, so she has an office and is part of administration on our floor. Sometimes she helps out on the floor too.
But I haven't really liked her for a while, I have felt like she talks down to people, to me, and haven't loved how she goes about teaching, usually.
I also don't like not liking someone. There have been two people at work that I don't really like, Andrea (another nurse, still working on that one), and Maegan. And I've prayed off an on for help to like them.
Yesterday Maegan and I ended up on our lunch break in the break room at the same time. I almost didn't take mine then when I saw her in there. But I decided to anyway because I really wanted to eat the ribs waiting for me from one of my patients (amazing). Maegan and I ended up chatting a bunch, about our different fun summer plans and trips, and about running and races. She is just getting into running and is planning on doing a race a month this summer, and I was telling her about Ragnar and the sprint triathlon (Wendy's) that I'm planning on doing this weekend.
It was actually really enjoyable to talk to her, and I felt like it was an answer to prayer, to have that interaction with her and the chance to like her better.
Then I ended up sending her an email last night because I failed at getting to her office for my staff picture before she went home, and her response was so friendly! I was so grateful!

Another let down, what's new..

So...pretty sure Brian Fleming is not the one. Also pretty sure I will not be hearing from him again.
The date went fine, I even thought it was going really well. We went to dinner, and talked and talked and talked. He's really good at conversation, and I'm okay too, so there was never really any awkward silence or anything. Never much silence at all. We even sat there at the table for an extra thirty min or so after we were done eating, just talking.
But he took me right home after, I was home before 8:30 pm. Ha! And I was planning on a late night... He did have to work at 5 am the next morning, but still.
Then in response the next day to my post date text that night, he said thanks for coming! And that it was good to get to know me better.
Dang. Not super encouraging.
This was very discouraging and hard for a day or two after. I really thought we'd hit it off and that things would happen. But once again, not so much.
But I'm feeling better about things, maybe he's not everything I need/look for anyway. He was slightly boastful a few times. He does wear A&F brand clothing (I don't love brand names, or at least when they are printed in large obvious letters). And I get the feeling he didn't grow up in as "humble" circumstances as me. Which is fine, but even after that first date, I was feeling less comfortable about the car I drive (my Teal Mobile, my Oldsmobile Eighty-Eight), and was embarrassed at the thought of him knowing.
And obviously a lot of that is me assuming and being judgmental. But maybe it helps me feel better about a situation that I have no control over..

Brian Fleming called!!!!!!

Brian Fleming called me tonight and asked me out for Friday (two days), and I am more than excited. Even before this, since I met him, I have felt really good about him, really excited about him, and feel like he could actually be the one.. and the weird thing is that isn't a crazy thought to me.

Rough week

This is an email I wrote to Sally a few days ago, when I was struggling. Dating has been very emotionally exhausting lately, with missing Andy but he never asking me to do anything, and then meeting Brian Fleming at this progressive speed dating activity my friend, Rachel, put together, but not hearing from him and really REALLY wanting to, and I was having a really hard time.

Hey Sal,

Thanks for calling back today. And thanks for letting me vent and cry a little bit. I appreciated it. But I wanted to tell you and ask you to please stop just telling me that you know I'll get married, and that I'm amazing, etc. I appreciate it, and I know you mean well, but that wasn't even the issue today. Yes, sometimes I do feel like I may not get married in this life, which is a totally different, but valid conversation, but right now that is not a concern, I'm not worried about marriage right now, really. Right now I feel like I will get married at some point. Right now the issue is dating. My heart is being worked, it's being so worked, Sal, and I'm exhausted. And last night I was pushed over the edge. 

Usually Jamie is my go-to with this kind of stuff because she gets it, she's in the same boat, but today I just needed to vent that to someone other than her. And like I said, I know you meant well, and that you love me, and maybe it was just because you were busy with your kids; I guess I shouldn't really expect to get a ton of time or attention from you over the phone, because you are a good mom. So that's understandable. But, in the nicest way, please just stop trying to fix things by always telling me you know I'll get married. Because honestly, that does nothing. Because really you don't know that. But more especially because like I said, that's not even the issue. I just needed someone to listen to me, to hear me out, to let me talk about this guy that has been so on my mind because of how rarely I meet a guy that seems that good of a fit (never), and my old insecurities that are resurfacing due to the situation. And my jealousy that someone from the other night has contacted Jamie, but no one has contacted me. I'm excited for her, but it's hard. And the weight that is on my heart about Andy, and how bad I miss him but don't know what to do about it. 

I'm not mad at you, I just wanted you to know this, and need you to not say those cliche blanket statements to me anymore. Like I said, I know you mean well and that you really do feel that way, and it means a lot to me that you would fly me down there at any time. I love you too, I just need you to be real with me and let me be sad and not try to cheer me up by telling me I will get married someday anymore.

Anyway, I just needed you to know. I do love you.

And then I wrote her again the next day with this:

Hey Sal, 

I feel like I may have come across a little harsh last night. I didn't mean to. I was having a really hard time yesterday and last night, and that's when I emailed you. So, sorry if I offended you in any way, I did not mean to. This dating thing is exhausting and my heart has been worked especially for the last few months with dating, and I just broke this week, I reached my limit. I'm feeling better today though.

Also, if the invitation is still open, I'm going to see if someone can switch me shifts next weekend so that I could come down, I think that would be really fun.:)

Love you

Highlight of my day yesterday at work: letting someone else put a catheter in

Welp, Tinder continues to prove disappointing, time and time again. You get on, it's exciting for a while, or every now and then it seems exciting and like something great could come of it, and then guys continue to disappoint.
McKay #1 didn't happen. McKay #2 didn't respond to my last message for 6 days and then last night randomly messaged me and said, "I don't know Tinder etiquette, but I think we should go to dinner. What do you think?" Haha, what the? Well, hello again.. But I said, "Haha, sure!" about 30 min later, and haven't heard from him since. Whatever. And Brett, the cute bald guy, we are planning on jamming on our guitars together, after he is done with finals on May 9, but since planning this and what songs we are going to play (All for You by Sister Hazel, and Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran), he's not the best conversationalist. Mostly I've conducted convo and he'll answer my questions, but that's about it.
So needless to say, my hopes are not up in regards to any of these fellows.

As far as the Andy situation...oh man, how much I go back and forth about the whole thing is ridiculous. The other night he hadn't texted me back for a few hours and I thought he was probably trying to give me the hint to move on, and I lost it and cried in my pillow and begged Heavenly Father to let him text me back. I needed him to text me back. I was so afraid of letting him go.
The next morning he had, and we texted back and forth a bunch that day and night, and it was great.
And then last night, as I was showering after work, I just had some thoughts again, as I have had every now and then in the past, that he isn't the one. That I love him and I will miss him, as I do even now, but that there is someone else who I will have more fun with, and that will be more natural to imagine marrying. And that thought was okay. My one thing now, as far as the thought of being with someone else, I just really need that someone else to treat me like Andy has. He has set a REALLY high bar, as far as that goes, and how touchy he is, in such a good way. That is one of my favorite things about him, and about our relationship, is that he was always so touchy and made me feel so wanted and attractive. And I really want that in any relationship and marriage. So I told Heavenly Father that. I love to be touched, that is one of my love languages, for sure, physical touch.

On a totally different note, yesterday I worked a day shift, and it was a good, busy shift, but the highlight of my day was this: I needed to take out and put a new foley catheter in my new admit, and I remembered that Brian, one of our HCAs, and a boy who is cute, and I like (not romantically, I just like the kid, we have pretty much followed the same education path: exercise science at BYU, accelerated nursing program at the U, and he is about to graduate this summer, a year after I did), is in nursing school, about to start his capstone semester. We have been becoming better friends, so I told him I needed to put in a catheter, and would he want to come do it? He is person of little enthusiastic emotion, he usually seems pretty serious, even though he definitely can laugh and be fun. So he didn't seem like he really wanted to, but I told him not to feel obligated at all, but if he was interested, to come to room 1 in a few minutes.
Well, he did! I was sort of surprised, but as he was there, I took out the old catheter, and then helped him get set up with the new kit, and kind of walked him through it. And he did just fine, he did great. I could tell he was nervous, I think he was shaking just a tiny bit, which probably even the family member helping hold the patient probably couldn't tell, but he did great. And later I told him good job and he thanked me for letting him do it, and for watching out for him. And that just totally made my day, because I couldn't even tell if he had really even wanted to, he showed absolutely no positive emotion towards the idea, so I thought he might have even been annoyed or what not. But he was glad, and grateful! And that just made my day that I was blessed to have had the idea to let him do it, and that he was glad he got to, that I was able to provide someone else a positive learning experience. Paying it forward, y'know?
Anyway, that was really neat.