Besides the good things I've already mentioned in the last post just now, other highlights include on Monday at work, talking to Jeff (gay, HCA, almost always seems unhappy) about the Church and Book of Mormon, and him being open to learning more and taking a BOM. I've wanted to share the Gospel with him for a while, he needs it so bad. I'm so grateful I got to talk about it that day!
Totally getting CREAMED at volleyball in our second match last night, only scoring 3, yes THREE, points in the last game (ha, not a highlight, but memorable, haha). Even still, we have ended up 5th of 8 teams for the tournament. Surprising!
Running into Adam Davies (Elder Davies, my first District Leader out in the field) at the gym today. He works for Planet Fitness, and I see him there every once in a while. We've talked once before, but it was short, and nothing memorable. But today he seemed like he actually wanted to chat, and it was fun to, he seems like a good guy. And he's cute! Was dressed perfectly, down to the jeans and shoes! Mm, loved it. But I ended up mentioning we were planning a trip to the Narrows in June, and invited him. He said he thinks he has a family thing that weekend, but I asked if he's on fb, he said yes, so I said I'd find him and send him an invite. It was just really refreshing to talk to a cute, normal, nice guy. Totally made my day.
Guitar class tonight. I love going.
Visiting Paul tonight. I meant to back in Jan or Feb, and then it just never worked out. I told him last week I'd really try to make it happen this week, and I would have rather not and done other things at home, but I'm so glad I did. It was really great to go see him and catch up. I really like talking to him. Because he really likes me and is sincerely interested in my life. He's great.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Things are so much better
So since my last post, after talking to Sally about what was going on with me, we figured out it was the Spencer situation, that he was just dragging me down, and I hadn't even realized it (yikes). And that I for sure needed to block him and get rid of him, pronto.
Long story short, my plan was to block him Sat. after sending my last message, and then moving on happily, feeling very liberated. But instead, he sent me a couple long messages, mostly good things, but included things I wanted to comment on, as well as there were things I was planning on saying before I blocked him (in good ways). So he sent me these long messages, and then when I got on Sat morning after two night shifts, found that HE had blocked ME. I fell apart. And I was a mess for two days. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen! I felt so unresolved. So many things I still wanted to say, but now couldn't. I got home and was an emotional mess, and Dad was there and could tell, and asked me what they could do for me that day, and I asked if he could give me a blessing later today. I was going to ask for one anyway, after I blocked him, but now, with this new upsetting turn of events, I for sure needed one. He of course said yes.
Before I went to bed that morning, I had the idea to create a fake fb account, send him my last message, and then block him, and be done with it. So then I felt hope again, and like things could be resolved. Slept, woke up, felt okay, talked to mom about it, then went and wrote out my message, created the fake account, and went to find him and message him, and realized he must have actually deleted or deactivated his account! So I couldn't message him at all. I fell apart again. I felt crushed. Hopeless. So unresolved again, and with nothing I could do. There was the last resort option of writing him a letter, he had given me his parents' address (and at the time asked me if I would just send him a wedding announcement when I got married...haha, uh..probably not, that's weird). But I didn't want to involve his parents, I had just wanted to message him and be done with it! So I asked Dad if I could get that blessing. He cleaned up real quick and gave it to me, but I just couldn't stop crying after, and I told mom and dad why, and to my blessing, they were very understanding and even encouraged me to write and send him a letter, if that would help. I thought their reaction to that idea, especially mom, would be to discourage me not to, to just let it go. But the fact that they supported the idea, if it would help me (I was clearly in some serious distress, just crying and crying) meant so much to me. And for the record, I haven't sent any letter, and don't think I will. I feel like that's not necessary anymore, and I'm just trying to let it all go and move on. Which is working, and I'm so so grateful.
Anyway, Sunday I didn't want to go to my ward, didn't want to be social or talk to anyone. Didn't want to see Jamie. She didn't know what had been going on, I hadn't talked to her about Spencer for a couple months, and I wasn't in the mood to explain anything, and I knew she would know something was wrong. I went to ward council, but was on the verge of tears by the end, so left, went home, ate breakfast, slept some more, and went to church with Camille and family. Then I went to their house and hung out all afternoon, into the evening. And it was so good. So so good. So therapeutic. I was able to tell Camille everything that happened, and we talked about the situation multiple times throughout the afternoon. I just needed to talk things out. I'm like that, I need to talk. And she helped me work through some feelings about it. And it was fun to play with the kids and just feel care free. And then before I left her house, it came up that she hadn't had a very good week either, and that she was struggling too, which honestly was kind of mind blowing to me because (and I told her this in a text later that night) she always seems so put together and functional, and happy and fine. She fakes it well. I sure don't. So I was really glad to learn that, and talk to her about some things, and how being a mom is really hard, and she feels like she is failing in so many areas (holy wrong, she is an amazing mom!), etc. So we were able to arrange for me to come over this week so she could leave and get anything done that she wanted, that would help decrease her stress, like getting an eye appointment. That was something that was stressing her out, that she couldn't see super well.
Anyway, I went over today actually (Wed), and it worked out great, and I tended and played with the kids, we made funfetti cupcakes (were supposed to be cookies, but the consistency didn't quite work out..), and played and played. Bikes, sidewalk chalk, Chutes and Ladders, In a Pickle, played trains with Lincoln while Ethan and Owen played on the ipads, played outside on the tramp. It was really fun. And I decided the other night that I need to do that once a month for both she and Rosanna. Just tend so they can go do whatever.
Anyway, today is Wed, and things are so much better with the Spencer thing being over. I feel so great knowing I don't have to worry about getting his messages anymore, or responding, or not responding. I'm grateful for the experience and what I learned and experienced, in hopes I can help others in the future, but I'm so so glad it's over. What a crazy and emotionally exhausting 4 months!
But I feel happiness again, I care about people again, I feel a lot of hope and excitement for the future and what's to come. I talked to Jamie for while last night after volleyball and explained everything that had been going on for the past 2 months with him. And we talked a lot about a few things, and just kind of reconnected. And it was really good. In my wanting to do my own thing thing that I've been experiencing, I forget how nice it is to talk to her sometimes. How understanding and non-judgmental she is, and how comforting it is to hear her perspective on the situation, as she is able t relate to me in ways other people aren't, because we're both in the same phase of life, and because she and I think so similarly. So that was really nice and a great blessing to chat with her so much last night.
Things are definitely looking up. And I am still so blessed.
Long story short, my plan was to block him Sat. after sending my last message, and then moving on happily, feeling very liberated. But instead, he sent me a couple long messages, mostly good things, but included things I wanted to comment on, as well as there were things I was planning on saying before I blocked him (in good ways). So he sent me these long messages, and then when I got on Sat morning after two night shifts, found that HE had blocked ME. I fell apart. And I was a mess for two days. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen! I felt so unresolved. So many things I still wanted to say, but now couldn't. I got home and was an emotional mess, and Dad was there and could tell, and asked me what they could do for me that day, and I asked if he could give me a blessing later today. I was going to ask for one anyway, after I blocked him, but now, with this new upsetting turn of events, I for sure needed one. He of course said yes.
Before I went to bed that morning, I had the idea to create a fake fb account, send him my last message, and then block him, and be done with it. So then I felt hope again, and like things could be resolved. Slept, woke up, felt okay, talked to mom about it, then went and wrote out my message, created the fake account, and went to find him and message him, and realized he must have actually deleted or deactivated his account! So I couldn't message him at all. I fell apart again. I felt crushed. Hopeless. So unresolved again, and with nothing I could do. There was the last resort option of writing him a letter, he had given me his parents' address (and at the time asked me if I would just send him a wedding announcement when I got married...haha, uh..probably not, that's weird). But I didn't want to involve his parents, I had just wanted to message him and be done with it! So I asked Dad if I could get that blessing. He cleaned up real quick and gave it to me, but I just couldn't stop crying after, and I told mom and dad why, and to my blessing, they were very understanding and even encouraged me to write and send him a letter, if that would help. I thought their reaction to that idea, especially mom, would be to discourage me not to, to just let it go. But the fact that they supported the idea, if it would help me (I was clearly in some serious distress, just crying and crying) meant so much to me. And for the record, I haven't sent any letter, and don't think I will. I feel like that's not necessary anymore, and I'm just trying to let it all go and move on. Which is working, and I'm so so grateful.
Anyway, Sunday I didn't want to go to my ward, didn't want to be social or talk to anyone. Didn't want to see Jamie. She didn't know what had been going on, I hadn't talked to her about Spencer for a couple months, and I wasn't in the mood to explain anything, and I knew she would know something was wrong. I went to ward council, but was on the verge of tears by the end, so left, went home, ate breakfast, slept some more, and went to church with Camille and family. Then I went to their house and hung out all afternoon, into the evening. And it was so good. So so good. So therapeutic. I was able to tell Camille everything that happened, and we talked about the situation multiple times throughout the afternoon. I just needed to talk things out. I'm like that, I need to talk. And she helped me work through some feelings about it. And it was fun to play with the kids and just feel care free. And then before I left her house, it came up that she hadn't had a very good week either, and that she was struggling too, which honestly was kind of mind blowing to me because (and I told her this in a text later that night) she always seems so put together and functional, and happy and fine. She fakes it well. I sure don't. So I was really glad to learn that, and talk to her about some things, and how being a mom is really hard, and she feels like she is failing in so many areas (holy wrong, she is an amazing mom!), etc. So we were able to arrange for me to come over this week so she could leave and get anything done that she wanted, that would help decrease her stress, like getting an eye appointment. That was something that was stressing her out, that she couldn't see super well.
Anyway, I went over today actually (Wed), and it worked out great, and I tended and played with the kids, we made funfetti cupcakes (were supposed to be cookies, but the consistency didn't quite work out..), and played and played. Bikes, sidewalk chalk, Chutes and Ladders, In a Pickle, played trains with Lincoln while Ethan and Owen played on the ipads, played outside on the tramp. It was really fun. And I decided the other night that I need to do that once a month for both she and Rosanna. Just tend so they can go do whatever.
Anyway, today is Wed, and things are so much better with the Spencer thing being over. I feel so great knowing I don't have to worry about getting his messages anymore, or responding, or not responding. I'm grateful for the experience and what I learned and experienced, in hopes I can help others in the future, but I'm so so glad it's over. What a crazy and emotionally exhausting 4 months!
But I feel happiness again, I care about people again, I feel a lot of hope and excitement for the future and what's to come. I talked to Jamie for while last night after volleyball and explained everything that had been going on for the past 2 months with him. And we talked a lot about a few things, and just kind of reconnected. And it was really good. In my wanting to do my own thing thing that I've been experiencing, I forget how nice it is to talk to her sometimes. How understanding and non-judgmental she is, and how comforting it is to hear her perspective on the situation, as she is able t relate to me in ways other people aren't, because we're both in the same phase of life, and because she and I think so similarly. So that was really nice and a great blessing to chat with her so much last night.
Things are definitely looking up. And I am still so blessed.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Struggling--what's wrong with me? I'm just not happy. Spencer update, and update about the recent, but resolved, mom issue.
I am struggling. I feel like, or worry that, there's something wrong with me. I'm just not happy. And there's not really anyone I'm mad at in my family or anything. But I'm just not happy. The issue with mom got resolved a week or so ago, and I don't often bounce back quick, but I'm still just not happy. And I don't really care about anyone, which is not like me, I don't think..? I feel alone, yet I want to be alone. Probably because I'm not great company right now. I feel like I'm kind of just existing and going through the motions right now. And maybe it's partly because I should be starting my period in about a week. But also the Spencer thing, I think could be playing a part. Last night I was trying to think what the problem was. What is weighing me down. And then I thought of him and the situation, and I just fell apart, right there, while trying to go to sleep. And I sobbed for a few minutes. Which made me think maybe he has just been sucking the life out of me. Because I do not like contention. And I do not like feeling like I've hurt anyone in any way. And he's sure made it clear that I've done that to him. And maybe deep inside that is just getting at me and bringing me down. I was going to block him on fb, Camille found a way to do that (we didn't think it was possible) the other day, and I was actually really excited to do so, I was just going to respond to his last message, apologize again, and say take care or something, and then block him real fast so that he wouldn't have the chance to respond, since he always responds so dang fast. But then I just didn't feel like maybe it was the right time.. But then just a few days later, and a few days ago on Monday morning, mom found the book I gave him, The Infinite Atonement, with the note I wrote him when he went back to MN on Jan 9, as well as a note that he had recently written stuck in the book, all left up in front of our house on the sidewalk. His note talked a lot about fear and how it was fear that prevented two good people from being together, yada yada. And that I could choose how to bury the book. Wow. So blocking him wouldn't have even prevented that! He still remembers where I live! I wasn't super surprised about that, he told me he did once, but that he would drive all the way here to leave that, wow. So now I'm a little scared of what else he might do. Burn our house down next? He also left me a nice (not nice) fb message that morning as well, explaining about the book and the note, and how what I said in the note did not seem to be currently how I felt and such (well, yeah), and how I've changed and he couldn't deal with the inconsistency, so he needed to get rid of it. I was so frustrated that he had it all wrong, but also sad that he felt all these ways, and seemed to have made me out to be a mean malicious person or something. And was sad that he had taken our short little relationship and dragged things out this far. Especially after he seemed to be resolved and nice again a little while ago! Where did all this new anger and hatefulness come from?? The things he said in the note in the book and his fb message made me so sad for him too because it is obvious that Satan has a pretty great hold on his heart.
I finally just messaged him back today (three days later), I felt like it was time. And I hoped doing so would help free me of him. I decided if he responds with more crap, I will definitely block him. But I wanted to give him one more chance to let me know he's let it go and isn't mad anymore, I guess. I just hate ending things on a bad note, I think. And the other part is, I have been legitimately afraid of what he might do out of anger, if I block him. Come burn down the house? Stalk me and hurt me? I don't think he really would, but he is mentally unstable to me, has anger issues, and you just never know. So that's the other reason I have waited to message him back, in hopes that he is back in MN by now (he told me a couple weeks ago he's moving back there, and that could we hang out one last time, and I was like um..no. Absolutely not. Are you serious?? But what I actually said was something to the effect of I'm going to have to decline your request to hang out again, I'm sorry. I couldn't believe he thought I would want to see him again. Makes me sick to think of. Or of him trying to hug me. Ugh! But then when I step back and try to see this with an eternal perspective, it makes me quick to let everything go, continue to forgive him, and want to just laugh that everything is so serious and what has happened. But to him I know it's much more serious, because of various things, I'm sure, but partly because of how analytical he is, how invested he apparently was in the relationship, and his OCD. He obsesses about things, which I've gathered is why he can't let this go and move on. So that's hard. But I'm still tired of the blaming and unkind things being said to me.
Update about the mom issue recently:
A couple weeks ago, the night of the Women's Conference, I was feeling very alone in life, because of the Spencer thing I just wished I had someone I could talk to about it, someone of my own. And this began weighing on me heavier and heavier, until that night, I just became very emotional, and I even had to leave the conference for a few min. to pull myself together. On the way home, Mom asked me what was wrong, because Camille had come asked me before we pulled away, and I told her. And she said I could always talk to her, and I said that was the thing, that I didn't feel like I could, that I felt more judged than listened to by her, etc. And it erupted into a big kind of argument, and we got home and neither of us had much more to say it seemed, but it felt very unresolved. That night I still felt like she didn't really want to listen to me, and I was so hurt, partly by something else that was said. I ended up going on an hour long drive, which helped, but I still was very mad and hurt. She tried again to come talk to me, realizing that I had been very offended, and we talked for a bit, I cried a lot, but I still didn't feel really listened to. I felt like she was in a hurry to leave and get it over with. So I was still crushed. We went about the next about 9 days with her trying to be normal and I was still very sad. I couldn't move on. I couldn't talk about day to day things when this big thing hadn't been resolved.
That was on a Sat. night, and the next Tues was Andy's sealing, which I went to, but drove myself, and was really struggling emotionally. I felt alone in my house, and alone in life. That night mom came in my room to talk to me, but to really talk this time. She came in and sat on my bed this time, and we talked for a while. There was much less arguing, and more understanding. I felt like I was able to understand her more, and hopefully she me. It seemed like it. And another issue, of when I came home from my mission and no one ever asked me about it, so I was really quiet and sad for a couple months and they wondered what was wrong..that came up, which for years now I've been hoping to talk about because it was so hurtful to me. And we talked about it, and mom felt really bad about it, because she said she understood feeling hurt by parents, because she still was trying to get over and let go of hurt her parents had caused her growing up. That broke my heart, and I tried asking her about it, and she didn't really want to go into it, more than say how they treated her. That made me so sad. She said she always wanted to be better parents than they were, and thought she and dad have been, but maybe not. I told her they were.
Anyway, we talked for a bit and things seemed okay. I wrote her a note that night and left it in her car to find the next morning thanking her for coming down and sitting and talking to me, that that's all I had wanted. I told her she was a great mom, one of the best, and that I forgave her. She really appreciated the note, which meant a lot to me.
But I just haven't bounced back totally yet. I still feel this sadness, this down-ness. And I'm just not totally sure why. I am tearing up as I speak, but I don't know why. Maybe it really is just PMS.
I told Jamie I'm at a weird place in my life, and I didn't really want to go into details exactly what I meant by that. I just told her (when she asked more what I meant) that I was working through some things. And a lot of it was the mom issue at the time. Which has more or less since resolved. But then there was the Spencer thing. And that I am wanting/needing to do my own thing right now. And more now is this not feeling like I care about anyone. I feel so disconnected from people. There's not really anyone I want to hang out with. Not Jamie, not family, not really anyone. I feel like when I go to work I have to put on a happy face. And usually I am feeling legitimately happy partway through the shift, but not at first. I don't really care to know what's going on in any of my siblings' lives. The other day I thought, I need to do service. Maybe that's what I'm missing. Maybe that will help. And I've also been feeling bad that I haven't reached out to Rosanna and her family for a while, which is because I haven't felt great myself. And when you don't have anything in your own lamp to give, you can't really help others. That's how I've felt. I also had recently heard mom tell someone that they had told someone they no longer needed dinners brought, because the last three had been bad. So I had this idea to make them dinner yesterday (Wed). I didn't really want to, but I had the thought, and I kept thinking about it, and I felt like I should, and that it would be a good thing. I texted Rosanna and she thought that would be great and seemed excited to have me come over. I told her over text that I was sorry I had basically been MIA, and kind of why, that I was dealing with my own issues, which needed to be dealt with, but I felt bad I hadn't really been able to do or be anything for them. She said asked if they were resolving, and asked if it had anything to do with Spence, and I said yes, some. But I was hoping she would ask me about things, about me, which she never really does. Which I shouldn't really blame her for, she is still dealing with losing a son. But I just wish she and I had a better relationship. I ask her about how she is and details and what's going on in their lives, but she doesn't really ask back much. And right now I would really love to talk to her about stuff.
So yesterday I went over, made them dinner, and had to run to my guitar class. But by the time we ate I was kind of grateful to have an excuse to leave, I felt down, I felt uncomfortable, it was kind of awkward. It was a weird feeling. And I was feeling annoyed with the kids. And maybe it was all because I was really tired. But I just wish I felt like Rosanna care enough about my life to ask. So I was pretty bummed when I left that she never did. Even after what I told her over text, which was a little out of my comfort zone, but which I was hoping would help our relationship, and give her encouragement to ask me. And maybe she would have if I was there longer and she had the chance. But the fact that she had even wondered over text if it was the Spencer thing, tells me Mom or Camille or Sally, or all of them, have told her stuff, which is fine, but I wish she would ask me herself and want to talk about how I'm doing.
Anyway, I have to get ready for work. I hope this is just PMS. I have started to wonder if I legitimately need therapy or something, about this Spencer thing, or anything else. I'm just not myself. And I don't love this. And I feel like dating someone could help significantly, but I don't want to only be happy if there's a guy in my life. I don't want to rely on a relationship to do that. That's lame. I've got to be happy again on my own first.
I finally just messaged him back today (three days later), I felt like it was time. And I hoped doing so would help free me of him. I decided if he responds with more crap, I will definitely block him. But I wanted to give him one more chance to let me know he's let it go and isn't mad anymore, I guess. I just hate ending things on a bad note, I think. And the other part is, I have been legitimately afraid of what he might do out of anger, if I block him. Come burn down the house? Stalk me and hurt me? I don't think he really would, but he is mentally unstable to me, has anger issues, and you just never know. So that's the other reason I have waited to message him back, in hopes that he is back in MN by now (he told me a couple weeks ago he's moving back there, and that could we hang out one last time, and I was like um..no. Absolutely not. Are you serious?? But what I actually said was something to the effect of I'm going to have to decline your request to hang out again, I'm sorry. I couldn't believe he thought I would want to see him again. Makes me sick to think of. Or of him trying to hug me. Ugh! But then when I step back and try to see this with an eternal perspective, it makes me quick to let everything go, continue to forgive him, and want to just laugh that everything is so serious and what has happened. But to him I know it's much more serious, because of various things, I'm sure, but partly because of how analytical he is, how invested he apparently was in the relationship, and his OCD. He obsesses about things, which I've gathered is why he can't let this go and move on. So that's hard. But I'm still tired of the blaming and unkind things being said to me.
Update about the mom issue recently:
A couple weeks ago, the night of the Women's Conference, I was feeling very alone in life, because of the Spencer thing I just wished I had someone I could talk to about it, someone of my own. And this began weighing on me heavier and heavier, until that night, I just became very emotional, and I even had to leave the conference for a few min. to pull myself together. On the way home, Mom asked me what was wrong, because Camille had come asked me before we pulled away, and I told her. And she said I could always talk to her, and I said that was the thing, that I didn't feel like I could, that I felt more judged than listened to by her, etc. And it erupted into a big kind of argument, and we got home and neither of us had much more to say it seemed, but it felt very unresolved. That night I still felt like she didn't really want to listen to me, and I was so hurt, partly by something else that was said. I ended up going on an hour long drive, which helped, but I still was very mad and hurt. She tried again to come talk to me, realizing that I had been very offended, and we talked for a bit, I cried a lot, but I still didn't feel really listened to. I felt like she was in a hurry to leave and get it over with. So I was still crushed. We went about the next about 9 days with her trying to be normal and I was still very sad. I couldn't move on. I couldn't talk about day to day things when this big thing hadn't been resolved.
That was on a Sat. night, and the next Tues was Andy's sealing, which I went to, but drove myself, and was really struggling emotionally. I felt alone in my house, and alone in life. That night mom came in my room to talk to me, but to really talk this time. She came in and sat on my bed this time, and we talked for a while. There was much less arguing, and more understanding. I felt like I was able to understand her more, and hopefully she me. It seemed like it. And another issue, of when I came home from my mission and no one ever asked me about it, so I was really quiet and sad for a couple months and they wondered what was wrong..that came up, which for years now I've been hoping to talk about because it was so hurtful to me. And we talked about it, and mom felt really bad about it, because she said she understood feeling hurt by parents, because she still was trying to get over and let go of hurt her parents had caused her growing up. That broke my heart, and I tried asking her about it, and she didn't really want to go into it, more than say how they treated her. That made me so sad. She said she always wanted to be better parents than they were, and thought she and dad have been, but maybe not. I told her they were.
Anyway, we talked for a bit and things seemed okay. I wrote her a note that night and left it in her car to find the next morning thanking her for coming down and sitting and talking to me, that that's all I had wanted. I told her she was a great mom, one of the best, and that I forgave her. She really appreciated the note, which meant a lot to me.
But I just haven't bounced back totally yet. I still feel this sadness, this down-ness. And I'm just not totally sure why. I am tearing up as I speak, but I don't know why. Maybe it really is just PMS.
I told Jamie I'm at a weird place in my life, and I didn't really want to go into details exactly what I meant by that. I just told her (when she asked more what I meant) that I was working through some things. And a lot of it was the mom issue at the time. Which has more or less since resolved. But then there was the Spencer thing. And that I am wanting/needing to do my own thing right now. And more now is this not feeling like I care about anyone. I feel so disconnected from people. There's not really anyone I want to hang out with. Not Jamie, not family, not really anyone. I feel like when I go to work I have to put on a happy face. And usually I am feeling legitimately happy partway through the shift, but not at first. I don't really care to know what's going on in any of my siblings' lives. The other day I thought, I need to do service. Maybe that's what I'm missing. Maybe that will help. And I've also been feeling bad that I haven't reached out to Rosanna and her family for a while, which is because I haven't felt great myself. And when you don't have anything in your own lamp to give, you can't really help others. That's how I've felt. I also had recently heard mom tell someone that they had told someone they no longer needed dinners brought, because the last three had been bad. So I had this idea to make them dinner yesterday (Wed). I didn't really want to, but I had the thought, and I kept thinking about it, and I felt like I should, and that it would be a good thing. I texted Rosanna and she thought that would be great and seemed excited to have me come over. I told her over text that I was sorry I had basically been MIA, and kind of why, that I was dealing with my own issues, which needed to be dealt with, but I felt bad I hadn't really been able to do or be anything for them. She said asked if they were resolving, and asked if it had anything to do with Spence, and I said yes, some. But I was hoping she would ask me about things, about me, which she never really does. Which I shouldn't really blame her for, she is still dealing with losing a son. But I just wish she and I had a better relationship. I ask her about how she is and details and what's going on in their lives, but she doesn't really ask back much. And right now I would really love to talk to her about stuff.
So yesterday I went over, made them dinner, and had to run to my guitar class. But by the time we ate I was kind of grateful to have an excuse to leave, I felt down, I felt uncomfortable, it was kind of awkward. It was a weird feeling. And I was feeling annoyed with the kids. And maybe it was all because I was really tired. But I just wish I felt like Rosanna care enough about my life to ask. So I was pretty bummed when I left that she never did. Even after what I told her over text, which was a little out of my comfort zone, but which I was hoping would help our relationship, and give her encouragement to ask me. And maybe she would have if I was there longer and she had the chance. But the fact that she had even wondered over text if it was the Spencer thing, tells me Mom or Camille or Sally, or all of them, have told her stuff, which is fine, but I wish she would ask me herself and want to talk about how I'm doing.
Anyway, I have to get ready for work. I hope this is just PMS. I have started to wonder if I legitimately need therapy or something, about this Spencer thing, or anything else. I'm just not myself. And I don't love this. And I feel like dating someone could help significantly, but I don't want to only be happy if there's a guy in my life. I don't want to rely on a relationship to do that. That's lame. I've got to be happy again on my own first.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Why can't someone that I'M interested in back feel this way about me??
I need to go to sleep, have to work in the morning, and I need to update about the last couple weeks or so, and how they've been kind of rough, emotionally, but how things are looking up.
But I just need to get some feelings out real quick about how I'm feeling right now. I've now broken two guys' hearts pretty good, both recently, and they are both currently having a hard time with it, and it's taking more of a toll on me than I would have expected. Spencer is the first one, and this week he is back to ranting and being bitter and mad and pointing fingers at me, and I realized he is just trying to cope and that he is just really hurt. He fell hard and fast for me, way too quick, if you ask me (we dated in person for about 10 days, before he went back to MN, and things got crazy over text). But nonetheless, I have broken his heart, and he is hurt, and that's hard. I've apologized countless times, and there's nothing more I can do, other than date him again, which I'm not willing to do. I decided last night that it's a good thing he's not more my type, because if he was, despite all this crap, I strangely would be tempted to give him another chance. But he's not my type, too skinny, don't love his style, and (this may sound really shallow, but) he isn't super coordinated dancing, like country dancing. Which is kind of a big deal to me. Maybe it shouldn't be, but more it's his style. And a lot of his personality. But anyway.
And then Darren. Darren is so sweet. So kind. He's still been texting me almost daily, even months after we broke up and decided to do the friend thing, but apparently he has been thinking much more than I realized, that we could be more than friends again, and now that he quit his job that he traveled so much for recently, he wanted to go out, and told me he would like to see me more often, even just to visit, or massage my feet :) (he's a massage therapist, and really good, darn it). I realized what was happening, and I told him I was happy to do something as friends, but that I didn't want to lead him on, and was worried that I already had, for which I was really sorry if that was true. He reacted really well and just said, "No worries :) it's part of life ;)" I didn't know what to say back, so I didn't text him for a few days, until about three days ago, and I just thanked him for his reaction, and for how kind he still was and how mature he reacted, each time I had essentially done this to him. Then I asked how he was doing. Didn't hear from him for a day or two, which was unusual, so I started to worry. I worried that maybe he had done something, because I had had these thoughts to text him the night before I actually did, but decided to wait until the next day. So I worried I had been prompted to text him that night for a reason, and then when I didn't hear from him, worried that he had done something, killed himself or something, and I could have stopped him maybe (my mind goes to worst case scenario, of course). So when I don't hear from him, then I text him again a day or two later, worried, asking him to just let me know he's okay. No word. Now I'm really worried. So today I FB messaged him, and got back a response tonight, via both text and FB actually. Saw the text first, and he said, "I'm alive just working through not having feelings for you." Ugh. Ouch. I was really glad he is okay and alive, but feel really bad. Right when I read that I thought, that makes two of you.
I was with Jamie at the time, and I quickly told her about the text and why I was glad to get it, and she asked me if that made me feel bad, and I said yeah, but I wasn't going to lose sleep over it. But I feel worse than I think I thought I would still.
Dating sucks. I'm in such a drought and am just dealing with these negative, sad situations. And I finally got on ldsmatchup.com a couple weeks ago, because I just needed SOMETHING, something more exciting as far as dating in my life. I needed so bad to meet a good guy. And it has turned out to be lame. Not the best dating site, I don't love how it's set up, and there's just not enough people on it, it seems. I run out of people all the time. It's "Tinder for Mormons," that's the tag line. Although after a few days I matched with and got messaged by a few guys that seemed decent and cool. But all three have turned out to be lame or not my type.
I worked on Fri, yesterday, and I just prayed that there would be a cute guy there, or for HF to send a cute guy my way at work, just to distract me from the Spencer situation (his long message I had read the night before really brought me down and made me feel really bad. That's when I really realized I had hurt him pretty bad, even if unintentionally. And I know how it feels to feel hurt by someone you trusted, and that's hard. It's hard to know I've done that. Really hard that night, I couldn't sleep for a while because of it.). Anyway, HF totally answered my prayer and the cute PT, Scott (learned his correct name that day) was working on our floor all that day, and one of the cute RT's that I've seen just a few times were both working on our floor that day. Sadly, I don't think either of them are LDS, I've basically seen their underclothing, and it's not garments, bummer; but it was still a big blessing to even be able to see them here and there throughout the day, and I talked to both of them, just minimally, but it was a highlight to my day, and definitely an answer to my prayer, for which I was grateful.
Anyway, I need to sleep. But this has helped. I feel worst about Darren. He now doesn't want to go to the Master Your Influence conference that I was going to give him the extra ticket to. Which is what really made me feel bad tonight, he's really feeling bad I think. And it's because of me.
I should introduce the two of them, let them empathize with each other over my rejection of both of them.
But I just need to get some feelings out real quick about how I'm feeling right now. I've now broken two guys' hearts pretty good, both recently, and they are both currently having a hard time with it, and it's taking more of a toll on me than I would have expected. Spencer is the first one, and this week he is back to ranting and being bitter and mad and pointing fingers at me, and I realized he is just trying to cope and that he is just really hurt. He fell hard and fast for me, way too quick, if you ask me (we dated in person for about 10 days, before he went back to MN, and things got crazy over text). But nonetheless, I have broken his heart, and he is hurt, and that's hard. I've apologized countless times, and there's nothing more I can do, other than date him again, which I'm not willing to do. I decided last night that it's a good thing he's not more my type, because if he was, despite all this crap, I strangely would be tempted to give him another chance. But he's not my type, too skinny, don't love his style, and (this may sound really shallow, but) he isn't super coordinated dancing, like country dancing. Which is kind of a big deal to me. Maybe it shouldn't be, but more it's his style. And a lot of his personality. But anyway.
And then Darren. Darren is so sweet. So kind. He's still been texting me almost daily, even months after we broke up and decided to do the friend thing, but apparently he has been thinking much more than I realized, that we could be more than friends again, and now that he quit his job that he traveled so much for recently, he wanted to go out, and told me he would like to see me more often, even just to visit, or massage my feet :) (he's a massage therapist, and really good, darn it). I realized what was happening, and I told him I was happy to do something as friends, but that I didn't want to lead him on, and was worried that I already had, for which I was really sorry if that was true. He reacted really well and just said, "No worries :) it's part of life ;)" I didn't know what to say back, so I didn't text him for a few days, until about three days ago, and I just thanked him for his reaction, and for how kind he still was and how mature he reacted, each time I had essentially done this to him. Then I asked how he was doing. Didn't hear from him for a day or two, which was unusual, so I started to worry. I worried that maybe he had done something, because I had had these thoughts to text him the night before I actually did, but decided to wait until the next day. So I worried I had been prompted to text him that night for a reason, and then when I didn't hear from him, worried that he had done something, killed himself or something, and I could have stopped him maybe (my mind goes to worst case scenario, of course). So when I don't hear from him, then I text him again a day or two later, worried, asking him to just let me know he's okay. No word. Now I'm really worried. So today I FB messaged him, and got back a response tonight, via both text and FB actually. Saw the text first, and he said, "I'm alive just working through not having feelings for you." Ugh. Ouch. I was really glad he is okay and alive, but feel really bad. Right when I read that I thought, that makes two of you.
I was with Jamie at the time, and I quickly told her about the text and why I was glad to get it, and she asked me if that made me feel bad, and I said yeah, but I wasn't going to lose sleep over it. But I feel worse than I think I thought I would still.
Dating sucks. I'm in such a drought and am just dealing with these negative, sad situations. And I finally got on ldsmatchup.com a couple weeks ago, because I just needed SOMETHING, something more exciting as far as dating in my life. I needed so bad to meet a good guy. And it has turned out to be lame. Not the best dating site, I don't love how it's set up, and there's just not enough people on it, it seems. I run out of people all the time. It's "Tinder for Mormons," that's the tag line. Although after a few days I matched with and got messaged by a few guys that seemed decent and cool. But all three have turned out to be lame or not my type.
I worked on Fri, yesterday, and I just prayed that there would be a cute guy there, or for HF to send a cute guy my way at work, just to distract me from the Spencer situation (his long message I had read the night before really brought me down and made me feel really bad. That's when I really realized I had hurt him pretty bad, even if unintentionally. And I know how it feels to feel hurt by someone you trusted, and that's hard. It's hard to know I've done that. Really hard that night, I couldn't sleep for a while because of it.). Anyway, HF totally answered my prayer and the cute PT, Scott (learned his correct name that day) was working on our floor all that day, and one of the cute RT's that I've seen just a few times were both working on our floor that day. Sadly, I don't think either of them are LDS, I've basically seen their underclothing, and it's not garments, bummer; but it was still a big blessing to even be able to see them here and there throughout the day, and I talked to both of them, just minimally, but it was a highlight to my day, and definitely an answer to my prayer, for which I was grateful.
Anyway, I need to sleep. But this has helped. I feel worst about Darren. He now doesn't want to go to the Master Your Influence conference that I was going to give him the extra ticket to. Which is what really made me feel bad tonight, he's really feeling bad I think. And it's because of me.
I should introduce the two of them, let them empathize with each other over my rejection of both of them.
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