I need to go to sleep, have to work in the morning, and I need to update about the last couple weeks or so, and how they've been kind of rough, emotionally, but how things are looking up.
But I just need to get some feelings out real quick about how I'm feeling right now. I've now broken two guys' hearts pretty good, both recently, and they are both currently having a hard time with it, and it's taking more of a toll on me than I would have expected. Spencer is the first one, and this week he is back to ranting and being bitter and mad and pointing fingers at me, and I realized he is just trying to cope and that he is just really hurt. He fell hard and fast for me, way too quick, if you ask me (we dated in person for about 10 days, before he went back to MN, and things got crazy over text). But nonetheless, I have broken his heart, and he is hurt, and that's hard. I've apologized countless times, and there's nothing more I can do, other than date him again, which I'm not willing to do. I decided last night that it's a good thing he's not more my type, because if he was, despite all this crap, I strangely would be tempted to give him another chance. But he's not my type, too skinny, don't love his style, and (this may sound really shallow, but) he isn't super coordinated dancing, like country dancing. Which is kind of a big deal to me. Maybe it shouldn't be, but more it's his style. And a lot of his personality. But anyway.
And then Darren. Darren is so sweet. So kind. He's still been texting me almost daily, even months after we broke up and decided to do the friend thing, but apparently he has been thinking much more than I realized, that we could be more than friends again, and now that he quit his job that he traveled so much for recently, he wanted to go out, and told me he would like to see me more often, even just to visit, or massage my feet :) (he's a massage therapist, and really good, darn it). I realized what was happening, and I told him I was happy to do something as friends, but that I didn't want to lead him on, and was worried that I already had, for which I was really sorry if that was true. He reacted really well and just said, "No worries :) it's part of life ;)" I didn't know what to say back, so I didn't text him for a few days, until about three days ago, and I just thanked him for his reaction, and for how kind he still was and how mature he reacted, each time I had essentially done this to him. Then I asked how he was doing. Didn't hear from him for a day or two, which was unusual, so I started to worry. I worried that maybe he had done something, because I had had these thoughts to text him the night before I actually did, but decided to wait until the next day. So I worried I had been prompted to text him that night for a reason, and then when I didn't hear from him, worried that he had done something, killed himself or something, and I could have stopped him maybe (my mind goes to worst case scenario, of course). So when I don't hear from him, then I text him again a day or two later, worried, asking him to just let me know he's okay. No word. Now I'm really worried. So today I FB messaged him, and got back a response tonight, via both text and FB actually. Saw the text first, and he said, "I'm alive just working through not having feelings for you." Ugh. Ouch. I was really glad he is okay and alive, but feel really bad. Right when I read that I thought, that makes two of you.
I was with Jamie at the time, and I quickly told her about the text and why I was glad to get it, and she asked me if that made me feel bad, and I said yeah, but I wasn't going to lose sleep over it. But I feel worse than I think I thought I would still.
Dating sucks. I'm in such a drought and am just dealing with these negative, sad situations. And I finally got on ldsmatchup.com a couple weeks ago, because I just needed SOMETHING, something more exciting as far as dating in my life. I needed so bad to meet a good guy. And it has turned out to be lame. Not the best dating site, I don't love how it's set up, and there's just not enough people on it, it seems. I run out of people all the time. It's "Tinder for Mormons," that's the tag line. Although after a few days I matched with and got messaged by a few guys that seemed decent and cool. But all three have turned out to be lame or not my type.
I worked on Fri, yesterday, and I just prayed that there would be a cute guy there, or for HF to send a cute guy my way at work, just to distract me from the Spencer situation (his long message I had read the night before really brought me down and made me feel really bad. That's when I really realized I had hurt him pretty bad, even if unintentionally. And I know how it feels to feel hurt by someone you trusted, and that's hard. It's hard to know I've done that. Really hard that night, I couldn't sleep for a while because of it.). Anyway, HF totally answered my prayer and the cute PT, Scott (learned his correct name that day) was working on our floor all that day, and one of the cute RT's that I've seen just a few times were both working on our floor that day. Sadly, I don't think either of them are LDS, I've basically seen their underclothing, and it's not garments, bummer; but it was still a big blessing to even be able to see them here and there throughout the day, and I talked to both of them, just minimally, but it was a highlight to my day, and definitely an answer to my prayer, for which I was grateful.
Anyway, I need to sleep. But this has helped. I feel worst about Darren. He now doesn't want to go to the Master Your Influence conference that I was going to give him the extra ticket to. Which is what really made me feel bad tonight, he's really feeling bad I think. And it's because of me.
I should introduce the two of them, let them empathize with each other over my rejection of both of them.
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