I think I just need to write, get this all out

I'm feeling unsettled. I'm not sure about what though. I've kind of felt unsettled all afternoon. Maybe all day. Like I offended someone, or didn't tell a whole truth or something.. but I can't figure out why I'm feeling this way.

So it's been two weeks since Wes wanted to take a step back, and I haven't heard from him. Nothin. This I am a little surprised by. I'm pretty much over him, moved on, I've gone out with a couple other guys. I'm over him except for moments here and there, like as I'm laying in bed at night and I start thinking about him and how amazing the night he kissed me was, and how much I felt like I was in a movie, and it didn't all feel real.. and then a week later he basically ends things, without ending things. I don't know if that was his intention when he said he wanted to take a step back, but it just kind of annoys me how he was so touchy and adorable and kissed me so much that night, the first time he kissed me, and then that was it. Oh, and how he was so nice to go to campus and get me my textbook that last morning, and bring it, as well as soup and cough drops, to me that day, before our date that night. I just don't get it. And I still feel like he is not the one, more and more all the time, so I'm not devastated that way or anything, but I almost wish he hadn't kissed me. I don't know. No, I don't wish that, because it was really fun, and I'll be honest, it is really nice to have finally kissed a second guy, and to have that looooooonnnng dating drought broken, but I don't know....maybe that he wasn't so amazingly and adorably touchy or something, before we were official and stable maybe. I think some moments I feel slightly rejected, which is why I feel slightly annoyed. And I pretty much dread the day now when I see him, like at a stake activity or something. Because it's bound to happen eventually, and I have no idea what I would, or should, say to him.


Something else this weekend, real quick: so Jamie, Wendy and I all pretty much made a pact that, as far as dating and marriage go, it's all of us or none of us. So not too long afterwards, amazingly, all three of us started dating someone! Wes and me, Wendy and Boyd (after they had been trying for about five months already), and Jamie and this new BYU-I boy named Nate.

About a week later, Wendy and Boyd broke up, and then Wes and I ended (or took a step back...), but Jamie and Nate were still going strong. They were going towards serious pretty fast. I think we all thought that they would likely get married eventually, even Jamie. Then, as life does, things took a major turn and I get a text from Jamie yesterday, after I had asked her how her Friday night with him was (he was down here this weekend), saying that they aren't together anymore. WHAT?!?! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. At first I thought it was a joke, it couldn't be real. I mean, I was just that day trying to deal with my emotions of essentially losing her to Nate, but I was happy for her, I really was. I would rather she be in a relationship and get married than me, honestly. I think she wants it even more than I do, and she needs it. I feel like I can be happy a little better than she can, single. Just my personality. She is a happy person, but she's waited long enough and wants to be married so bad. So I was a little sad, and albeit a little jealous too, of her thriving relationship, but really happy for her happiness.

But then this.

So long story short, turns out it's pornography. Which is tragic. And kind of a big deal. Like a deal breaker. One of those things that is just hard to get past and be willing to marry a guy in spite of.

So they are on great terms, and after a week of them talking a lot about stuff, and it being hard, and after a range of feelings on both sides, they are both doing good. And Nate, we think, has been motivated quite a bit, by an amazing girl (Jamie) basically telling him that he is not the kind of guy that she wants to marry, that he's not there yet. So thankfully, he has humbled himself enough to let her say that, and to want to change and pull his life together, to improve, and to work really hard on this addiction.

So besides the tragedy of this plaguing addiction, the three of us are back to all being single! Which is kind of fun, I'll be honest. :) We all went to Julia and John's wedding reception last night, and then to Red Robin, and then to their apt and watched Rise of the Guardians while all of us working on things while watching it. It was a really fun night, I just love hanging out with Wendy and Jamie. And we've already started planning another road trip, of course. :) But who knows, last time we planned a road trip, we ended up not going because Wes asked me out, Wendy wanted to go out with Boyd, and Jamie got a date too (not Nate, but still). And then shortly thereafter we were all in a relationship. So who knows, maybe another road trip plann-age is just the trick. :)

Except Wendy and Boyd have been emailing this week and she is up at his house in Ogden tonight, so Wendy may be back in a relationship tonight... which we would all be happy for, of course.

It's going to be okay, I do think so

So just quickly, it's Thursday, after the whole let's take a step back talk on Sat., and I still haven't heard from Wes. Nor have I contacted him. I'm not surprised that I haven't heard from him. And I've gone through moments of sadness about it all, especially on Sunday, but I'm actually pretty fine about it all now. I've basically given in to the fact, or idea, or possibility I guess, of nothing more really happening between us. And I'm actually okay with it.
He's a really great guy, and treated me really well, including going to get my textbook on Sat. when I was sick, and delivering that and soup and cough drops to me so I didn't have to leave my house. So yeah, he's incredibly thoughful and kind, and will treat whoever he dates and marries like a queen. For that, I am bummed about letting him go and things not happening.
But for many other small reasons, I just don't think that we totally mesh like I want to with whoever I spend the rest of my life and forever with.
So it's okay. And now I hope that we can stay friends, and I would even love to be his confidante, and just know how he's doing. I've learned to care about him, but I don't think we will marry. But he's great, and I get really attached to people, which is one of the hardest things about things like this. But thankfully, we didn't actually date for that long (total of about a month and a half from when we first started going out), so I didn't get as attached as I could have. So part of me thinks that this was a little tender mercy from my Heavenly Father for many reasons. Giving me a little fun, someone to date and be cared about by, someone to cuddle with a little and kiss me one night and make me feel amazing, but then ended it (this is assuming it's basically not going to go anywhere from here) before it was too painful to break off. So it's all good, I guess you could say.
At least that's how I feel today. With me, you never know I guess. haha, but no, I think I'm going to be okay.
Especially because I have amazing friends like Wendy, who just called me to see how I'm doing today with it all, and Liz who came over at almost 11 pm on Tues night to see how things were, and Jamie who keeps in touch with me even when she is on vacation in Texas.
I am seriously so blessed with amazing friends, it's more than I can even say. And I am SOOO grateful.

From mom

The other day mom said some really nice things to me that I don't want to forget. She's not one to just hand out compliments or express her emotions real freely, so when she does, it means a lot.
We were talking about the Wes situation, and I think it was before the whole "taking a step back" thing. But she said to me something along the lines of 'you're fun, you're likable..you're beautiful!" And she emphasized beautiful, which meant a lot to me, especially coming from her. Also because I don't really see myself as particularly physically attractive. I mean, some days I feel prettier than others, but I've never been one that just gets gawked over by guys or asked out frequently upon first meeting, which I've essentially equated with not being that pretty. I'm okay with it, I know that I'm not gorgeous or anything, and I know that I am one who is more attractive to people as they get to know me, which I'm also okay with. But I've always kind of felt like I'm sort of plain. So that meant a lot to hear that from her.

 She also said that "it's about time someone sees you for those things.." or something like that, which made it seem like maybe she is frustrated at the male population that I've not dated more and am not married. That meant a lot to me too.

Anyway, just wanted to remember these things.

Something even more new--we're taking a step back.

So Wes called me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to a Vocal Point concert tonight in Provo. I of course wanted to because I love them, and wanted to be with Wes. So we went. I have been sick with a cold over the past couple days, so I didn't feel stellar, but I didn't feel terrible either, and it was fun.
Anyway, by the end of the night and when we were almost back to my house, he asked if he could say something. I said yes, of course, and he then proceeded to tell me that he is still feeling nervous about things (us) and that could we just take a step back. That was totally unexpected, but of course I said yes, that was fine. So we talked about it a little more in the driveway, and I can't say I saw that coming, but I'm not broken hearted either. He said he still likes me, he's still interested, but he needs more time. He just barely had broken up with someone else when we met that second time in the cafeteria of the Church Office Building, which he told me last weekend, so that's kind of an issue right now. He told me tonight that they had decided to just kind of take a break, so he isn't sure if anything else will happen there, he said he doesn't think so, but still, there's that. He said last weekend, the next morning (after that amazing night), he woke up and kind of got scared and felt like a lot had happened that night. I told him, "that was a pretty intense night" and he agreed.
So anyway, we are taking a step back. We are not exclusive for the time being, and we are not kissing either. This is all okay. And in fact, after he got talking like this, it made me think and wonder how much I really like him. I'm not sure. Part of me is the tiniest bit relieved. Part of me thinks that maybe this just isn't meant to work out. There are little things about him that I'm not sure really mesh with me. Like his size, he is just barely taller than me, but like 3 inches, which is enough, but like our legs, I think mine are definitely longer and bigger than his. And he wore these tennis shoes tonight, that he just got, and was pretty proud of them, and asked me if I liked them, and I didn't. I couldn't lie, so I couldn't say yes. That led to a kind of awkward next few minutes discussing his shoes that weren't my favorite. Then I made the mistake of asking him if he liked my shoes (not sure why I did), and turns out he really doesn't. Ironically, they are some of my very favorite shoes. He prefers flats on girls. I'm not really into flats.
Then just things like he laughs at silly things that I don't really find funny enough to laugh at, and he is kind of dorky in an audience. Like when they say on stage, "Hi, I'm Adam" and people are supposed to say something back like, "Hi, Adam" he does it. I'm one of those people who don't usually humor them, but he definitely does.
So I don't know, things like that. And his laugh. When he just bursts out laughing, it's a little bit loud and almost embarrassing... these things I think I could get over, and he certainly has a lot of great qualities that could continue to outweigh these small things, if it was right, but I'm just not sure that it is. It's almost like there are more and more little things that are off, that I'm not sure if eternity is in the cards for us.
But I guess we'll just see what he does.