My shadowing experiences

So in the last couple/few weeks I have been able to shadow a PA and a physician, and the physician is Brad Anderson from our ward way back in the day! But I have wanted to write about my experience shadowing because it has been so neat!

When I went to shadow the first time I was SOOO nervous. More nervous than I have been for anything in a long time. It was like unto starting a new job, but worse I think (the nervousness). And I thought it would just drag b/c I knew I would just be watching the whole time, but it didn't!!! It actually went by so fast, and it was so fascinating to watch the whole time! Even with the PA, her name is Natalie Ellis, she is bilingual so she gets all the hispanic patients, so with her I didn't really know what was going on or being said half the time, but I was still so enthralled with watching her work and interact with her patients. And I thought, "that's what I want to do."

Shadowing Brad Anderson was really neat because I knew him already, and he is such a great person, and a fantastic pediatrician. He is so gentle and kind and is so great with kids. He is very knowledgeable and very good with children. And he was so friendly to me and he even would often let me look in the ear-scope (I don't know what it is called), in the magnifying part, especially when there was something unusual. Once or twice I got to see tubes in a child's ears, that was really neat to see.

Anyway, this PA school application process is getting really overwhelming to me again, but I keep thinking back on my shadowing experience so far and remember how much I have loved watching them, and how much I would love to do what I've seen them do.

I can see my pulse in the lights!

This is really weird--as I'm sitting here studying Psychology on my laptop, the reflection of the kitchen lights is shaking to the rhythm of my pulse. I'm guessing there's a vein or artery next to or near my eyes that is making this happen...it's really strange, but interesting. I had to write it down and I didn't know where to, so this observation ended up here. :)

So I've decided I am--for the umpteenth time--done with boys. Not forever (Mom would ask such a question, in worry that I'm not interested in that gender anymore...yes, it has happened), but for now. I'm just done trying with them. And there's only so much you can do as a girl until you are considered "forward," and are then unappealing. So frustrating. And speaking of frustrating, I'm still annoyed at what Ken did, how he totally showed interest, and led me on, I felt, and then nothing. Never called again. So irritating.

But whatever. I'm done.

I'm just going to go to school, and hang out with my new girlfriends! :)

Speaking of such people, I love my neighbors (Alyse and Tiffany)! It has been so long since I've had neighbors that I'm actually good friends with and hang out with, and I love it! We can go back and forth and I love leaving our doors open and just walking in and out of each others' apartments. It hasn't happened a ton so far (I make it sound like we're already doing that all the time..:), but some, and I'm sure it'll only happen more frequently.

We all hung out at a friend's apt. on Friday night (Sterling May, past BYUSA VP, awesome guy) and played games aaaallllllllll night. It was SOOOO fun! Samantha (Sam) Crane, one of my good friends from BYUSA, was there too, whom I absolutely love hanging out with, and her roommate Olivia, who is really fun too, and the whole night was a blast. First Tiffany and I went to Ross real quick (so I could grab a bridal shower gift for Alexis Pomeroy, a friend from the mission...eventhough we didn't actually serve in Tennessee at the same time, I met her after), and then we met up with Alyse and her game night at Sterling's after. It was a blast. So much fun. I really hope we do it more. And it was so refreshing to meet new people, and to hang out with guys that I didn't feel like had just gotten back from their missions. There are so many of those around, which is not a bad thing, but when you are 24 and a returned sister missionary and about to graduate, that's just a little young. Which is why it is really exciting to meet a guy who is 24, or even 23. I can do a year younger, but that's kind of my limit.

So in my genetics class I have my two study buddies. Mark May and Todd. We are genetics friends. And the funny thing is that we all became friends through physics classes. Funny how bonds are made from suffering through the same classes.

I will continue about these friends later...I am at the Merkleys.

My life in the present, and I have friends!

Ken is still dumb. He's still never called me or anything. Sally thinks he's dumb too. She was like, "Kenny poo is a poo." That made me happy. :) But I've thought for a while that he has a missionary..I really think he does. But I told Sally that and she said, based on what I've told her Ken has done, and on her past experience in kind of my same situation with a boy who also had a missionary, that I'm probably right. She concluded that's probably the explanation for the dumb-ness. Still makes me frustrated though. I just wish he would tell me or something, instead of acting very obviously interested, and then leaving me out to dry in the rain.

Such are boys around here.

But I wanted to just write real quick about what I'm doing in my life currently, just for record purposes.

So we're in Spring semester at BYU and I'm taking classes: Genetics (hard), Psych 111, and I'm auditing Marriage Prep, which is an AMAZING class. I love it! So I'm in a total of 8 credits, and just 5 without the audit, so that's like 10 credits in a normal fall/winter semester. But I am so busy with just these classes. Genetics is really hard! I'm taking my first exam in that class tomorrow afternoon, and I'm nervous. It's open book, open everything, but it's timed: 3 hours is our limit, which I'm sure I'll use all of.

Anyway, I'm also working some--still at Courtyard (at Jamestown), still just PRN, but I get called (or texted) fairly regularly, some weeks more than others, and end up working at least once a week, which is just right. I have to say no to some because I'm in class, or because I really need to be spending that time studying.

I'm also in the middle of applying to PA schools, and need to be studying for the GRE (definitely haven't started...aaa), which I wanted to take in June...we'll see..

Also, my new calling this semester is Publicity Council Chair, and it's been soo time consuming so far! First of all, I haven't had a functioning co-chair to help me, or a council, b/c they hadn't been called yet for the first week or so; but some of my main responsibilities are the ward directory (aka "Ward Menu" :), which is a huge project, and which everyone wants asap, and also they asked me to put together a power point of the ward (most everyone) with pics, their past callings, and interests, for the "Ward Draft," or the "Selection." This was one night a week or two ago, when the whole ward council met, came fasting, and we basically took turns, council by council, choosing people off the ward list to be on our councils. The concept makes me laugh, but it's really effective actually, b/c by the end of the meeting--after only like 40 minutes!--everyone in the ward has a calling. So I made a PowerPoint for that, which took me multiple hours a couple nights in a row. And with the Directory, thankfully Anna Dapper, who did it last semester, has helped me a ton with it (b/c she did it before and has the program on her comp.) and saved me hours and hours of work; but I've still put multiple hours into it as well. Plus, I've been doing the Sac. Mtg. bulletin/program, weekly ward emails, and making and passing out (with some help) flyers a few times so far.

I like my calling and I'm very thankful for it, it's just been really time consuming so far! But now that the directory is just about done, and I have a co-chair (yay!) and a functioning council to delegate responsibilities to, it won't be quite so time consuming.

So yeah, that's basically been my life right now. I haven't really had much of a social life this semester til now, b/c I'm just trying not to drown in school. But I like school, I love being at BYU, and I like being busy, so life's really not bad. Being just slightly less crazy busy and swamped would be okay though. :)

One thing that's been hard lately has been feeling like I don't have a best friend, or even a good friend nearby. I feel like all my best friends are either not anymore (Tisah), or have moved or gotten married, or whatnot. Elise is in Jerusalem, I don't see my BYUSA friends right now (b/c I'm not doing BYUSA right now, it basically dissolves in the summer), and my other recent good friend, Alisha (my roommate last semester) moved home to Virginia. Sad. I've been hoping that this meant that a good guy was about to become my good/best friend, and that I'd maybe start dating someone, like Ken. It would be perfect timing, when I'm not attached to any friends really, and am, at times, so tired of the single scene. But tis not so. Exhibit A=Ken (or no Ken, rather).

I've told Heavenly Father how this is hard, to not have a best friend, or even just a good friend, and how it's hard not to, and it's lonely, and how I would really love one. And as always, He has heard and answered me. Today was such an answer to that prayer.

Alyse Moore is in my ward, and I first got to know her in BYUSA this last year, then I moved into her ward. I really like her, she is very down to earth and sweet. Reminds me some of Sally. I wanted to move in to her apartment, but when I was looking around here, there wasn't going to be any spots open in hers. I ended up buying Emily DeKam's contract, which is right next door to Alyse's apartment. Because we are all so busy, and whatever other reasons, we haven't really hung out or done anything together still.

Her roommate is Tiffany Gregson, who from the minute I met her a couple weeks ago, I really liked. She's almost exactly the same age, she's graduating in August as well, and she is also very down to earth and sweet and fun.

Anyway, I've thought for a little while that possibly I could become good friends with them, that maybe they would be my next good friends. So I've wanted to hang out with them. So we ended up doing a joint dinner today, with just Alyse, Tiffany, me, and Trisha from downstairs (my roommate, Kim, couldn't make it). Tiffany has a rough diet, similar to Celiac's disease, so we did a salad bar and fruit and dip and Alyse made rolls. It was all really good and it was so fun! It was so refreshing to be able to sit there with them and eat and chat, and keep eating, and keep chatting. They are all down to earth and I am so grateful! Afterwards, I went back to my apt and set stuff down, and then I went back outside b/c it was sooo nice outside, and then Tiffany came back out and then the other two, and the four of us ended up hanging out, just there on the "porch," for like the next hour or so, maybe even! It was so great! We just chatted, about boys and dating and how boys are dumb and Provo is lacking the great ones, and how people at BYU take dating too seriously, etc. Tiffany and I even talked about both moving to Mesa, AZ together (I want to go to the PA school there, and she just thinks it would be a good place to live). :) I sincerely think that would be way fun with her.

Robyn came out for a while (she lives exactly where I do, but across the parking lot in the other building) and we chatted (kind of yelled) with her too. Partly about how we need to build a bridge between the 2 buildings, so you wouldn't have to go all the way down and all the way back up to get from our floor/building to theirs, and visa versa. I suggested a ward service project. Building the BDA Bridge! :)

Anyway, over the course of this afternoon, we put together a dinner group (after much drams re: dinner group in the first half of the day...) with Alyse, Trisha, Robyn and I, plus others (Kim, Kathleen,..) and Tiffany is even going to join us just for the social part. I'm really excited about this dinner group, I'm actually good friends with those in it! (In our dinner group last semester, it was more functional for me, I'd just go for the dinner, and usu. leave pretty quick; I didn't so much love hanging out with those in it) But I'm so excited about our new dinner group and my new good friends!! I know all this was completely due to my Heavenly Father's hand in my life. He is so sweet to me, so provide me with friends, which is specifically what I have been wanting/needing. It amazes me. But that was definitely the highlight of my day, and I am SOO grateful. I feel so lucky to have some good friends now, ones that I'm sure I'll do a lot more stuff with now.

God is good. God is so good.

Mother's Day, and dumb boys. Dumb Ken.

I am so so tired and really want and need to go to bed, but I really wanted to write in here real quick.

Today was Mother's Day and I went up to SL and we had a BBQ chicken dinner at Mom and Dad's house, with the Kerr's, and the Merkley's came later. It was fun, good to be with family. Megan (8) and I had some fun conversation and bonding moments tonight, as I was scraping the sweet potatoe fries off the pans and she stood there talking to me, and eating one with me every now and then; and then later she came and kind of layed on my leg with the blanket and we chatted some more, as we waited for dinner to be all ready. Then later she came and snuggled up with me on the couch and my blanket. That was a fun part of being home.

I am pretty much totally out of money right now, so I didn't buy Mom anything, even though I would have loved to give her something nice. But I wrote her a long note telling her specific reasons why I was so grateful to have her as a mother, specifically a lot of the attributes that I have, being due to her and her example growing up. These include not sweating the small stuff, worrying about only the really important things, being able to take on more responsibility without complaint, being able to go with the flow and be flexible with change, and knowing that as long as we keep the commandments and our covenants, God will always bless and take care of us and everything will always be okay. Mom is amazing, and I am truly grateful and so blessed to have been raised by her. I love her so much. One thing that is amazing about her is that she's always been so willing and wanting to do anything she could to help me (probably all us kids). I'm 24, and she still is that way, and still helps me with anything she can. I'm so lucky. I could go on all night, with a tribute to my mom, but I am so tired and really need to go to bed.

The other thing I wanted to write about is just that I'm so sick of boys. I'm not sick of them, they're just dumb. And when I say they, what I really mean mostly is that Ken is so dumb. So frustrating!! I don't get it! He seemed so interested, he asked me out a second time, canoing was so fun and then he kept extending the date by asking if I wanted hot chocolate, and then buying donuts and then bringing those donuts up and following me in to my apt so we could sit down and eat them and talk, and then he just kept staying and talking, and then seeming legitimately disappointed that he had to leave and go to work.. And then he never has called again! Aaa! I don't get it! I don't get guys!! He seemed so interested, and then nothing. We texted some the next few days, me initiating more of them than him, but on Wed. he texted me something about lots of BYUSA people coming to his ropes course the last few days, and then that we were in trouble. I didn't know what he meant by that second thing, but I responded to it all, and then I texted him again, joking around, and was like, "And how lucky you are to have BYUSA people there at the course...what great company! ;)" and he texted back and said, "the best of company." I was a little taken back, and flattered by that. I felt like he likely was referring to me, like I was when I joked about it. Maybe I was just kidding myself. But I gained some confidence from that, and after working on a response for a while, and changing it over and over, I decided to just say what I wanted to say, and I said, "The best, huh? Wow...you should probably spend more time with such company.:)" And then I asked him again what he was talking about with the "we are in trouble" comment. I felt like I was being pretty bold with my comment, but I was also joking around, being playful. But sort of serious. Anyway, he NEVER RESPONDED. Ever. Not even to my question. Ugh. It frustrates me because I feel like he left me out to dry by not responding, and I haven't really heard from him since (except a response to my one text comment yesterday morning about good thing we went canoing last week (when it was snowy) and not this week, because of the weather [being so good now]. It was just ironic and funny, and he responded with just a one-liner. Nothing special. But I just don't get it. He seemed so interested and was causing me to become more and more interested and was making me feel more and more like he was actually worth investing some hope and serious interest in, which I was, and now I got burned.

Even if he called now, I would be irritated. I want to be like, "Why didn't you call? If you really like spending time with me, which is what you definitely led me to believe, esp. on that last date, why only once every couple or few weeks?

I feel like he is just another one of those guys just playing the field, having fun, not wanting to commit to, or get anywhere near having to commit, to anything. Makes me so frustrated. Largely in part because as the girl, we are basically helpless. We can't do anything. It's all in their court. And if ever we do, then (often) we are "forward," and that's a turn off and we lose anyway. I hate this game and feeling so helpless.

I agree with Kim, my new roommate (we have been having some heated conversations about the dumbness of guys around here lately, she feeling much the same way), when she said yesterday, "I would do it really well, as a guy" (or something to that effect). They think it's hard to be the guy, or scary or whatever. But they have no idea how frustrating it is to just have to sit and wait to see what the guys are going to do, feeling so helpless sometimes. Argh.

Ok, gotta go to bed.

Alisha Walbrecht, my awesome roommate

I really loved living with Alisha. She and I came to be really good friends. One of the ironies of the semester was that, while I was so un-fond of and was having issues with Kayla much of the semester, Alisha was thinking much of the same things about the same situation (Kayla), but we didn't realize we had both been feeling the same way about her until like 2 weeks before the end of the semester. Kayla was away for the weekend, with her family and boyfriend, Tyler, and Alisha and I were going to bed, and she mentioned a couple things about Kayla, one being that she was so done living with her. I was shocked. I thought she got along great with her. Turns out Kayla was driving her crazy too all this time. She was just being nice. That night we ended up talking til 4 am about the situation (Kayla) and mostly empathizing with each other (that's what we decided it was...:), and talking about her odd habits and ways, laughing about a lot of things we had each experienced with her but never talked about, and talked about why maybe she is the way she is. It was extremely..I dunno, relieving, therapeutic almost, very bonding, to be able to talk about the situation with her, because she had been living the same thing and knew exactly what I meant and how I felt. It was great. We got some good laughs in that night and became even closer. We had been becoming better and better friends all the time all semester, but I felt like after that night, we were really good friends. She has definitely been one of my very favorite roommates. We're both really easy going, very similar in that way, actually (which was really lucky for Kayla, and I think is one of the main reasons she ended up liking us so much. Kayla is the polar opposite of easy going.). She is really mature in a lot of ways, which I really appreciated; she's strong in the Gospel (was one of our RS Presidents), she's confident and knows who she is. She is a sincere person (completely opposite of Kayla, much of the time), and she's really kind and selfless. She would share anything of hers, without fail. She was a really great example to me of that, and made me want to share more, and share more easily. She would often stay up at night, as I was out studying, or at home doing homework, and kind of wait up for me--never actually saying that, but in a quiet way. Kayla would go to bed around 10 or 11 a lot of the time I think (I'm unsure because I would purposely stay out, at the library usually, until I was pretty sure she was in bed, so as to avoid any frustrating conversations with her), and I would get home around midnight, or later, from studying or what not, and Alisha would be up reading her scriptures, or on her laptop, and would end up going to bed pretty much when I did. This happened a lot, and I really appreciated it, actually. Because she wasn't clingy or anything, but I think she just quietly kept herself busy until about when I would start to get ready for bed, or shortly before I would quit what I was doing, or she would get ready and then stay up reading in her bed until I came in the room to go to bed. This didn't happen all the time, but definitely a lot of the time. And I'm not for sure that it was because of me, but it definitely was very coincidental timing a lot of the time. But I really liked it. I really like her. It was sad to say goodbye and see her leave and move home to Virginia. But I'm very grateful that I got to live with her. We had some great conversations (about boys and how frustrating they are, about good and exciting happenings with different boys, about Joseph and why he is the way he is, about our futures and what lies ahead of us (she just graduated with her masters, and for a while before had no idea what to do or where she would get a job after, while I was also trying to figure out my life and what I would do after I graduate in Aug--I've since decided on PA school; I don't know if I've written that in here)) and memories together. I will miss her.

Letter from Alisha (via facebook)

Dear Melissa,

I wanted to write you a note, but all my paper got munched in my purse, so this will have to do. I just wanted to tell you that I'm SO GLAD I got to be your roommate this past semester. I really loved living with you. I appreciate how willing you were to share things or do favors for me and how you were so easy going about things going on in the apartment.

I feel like I learned a lot from your example this semester. I loved seeing you studying your scriptures during the day and I admired how you had the discipline to stay on campus until all hours of the night so many nights in a row.

Thanks for being such a good friend to me. You are so easy to talk to, and I always knew that you really cared about what was going on in my life. I will miss you a ton out in DC! I want to hear about your life and all the amazing things you do. Good luck with everything--I know you'll be great in whatever you decide to do.

Love,

Alisha

My date with James, and then Ken :)

So the date with James on Friday night was good. I've officially checked him off the list of potential eternal companions though. He's physically attractive to me, wears good shoes, dresses well, is a good size for me. So he's nice to look at, but there's just not much chemistry there for me. He's even funny, witty, and very nice, friendly. He brought out his movie collection for us to pick from, and not one movie, that I could tell, was dirty. That I was very impressed with. I told him that and he was surprised that that isn't normal. Sad, but it's not, especially with guys.

So yeah, he's a great guy, but just not the one. I can't really explain concretely why either, just not.

So that was Friday night, and then Sat. morning at 8 am, Ken came and picked me up, in his coat and beanie, and I grabbed more warm things, like my beanie and gloves and scarf and coat, and we drove, through beautiful snow-laden Provo (yes, it was the last day of April and everything was covered in snow...) out to Utah Lake, to the CLAS ropes course there where he works, and went canoeing! It was so much fun! We rowed all down the river nearly out to the lake, and back, and just talked and talked and talked. It was so great. Every now and then there would be a silence, when we were done with a topic, but it's never awkward silence. It's nice. I usually am the one to break the silence, probably partly because I maybe feel a little awkward with silence, but more so because I want to keep talking. And Ken is so easy to talk to and have a conversation with, I think we could talk all day. That's one thing that is very high on my list of importance in a guy, is being a conversationalist. And he's a pretty good one.

After we canoed, some of his co-workers were there, setting stuff up for the day, and one was messing with what Ken called the "human swing." He told me what it was, and then said, "You want to do it?" And I got excited and was like, "Yes." So he strapped me in and they hoisted me up with his buddy's car, because usually a group hoists the person up, but it was just Ken and his buddy right there, so they used the car. So the car pulled me up by a rope and then at the very top I let go of the little rope Ken gave me to hold onto, and I free fell for a second and then swung. It was such a rush!!! I haven't had that much of a rush in years, it was so fun! I definitely screamed. I did it twice and then Ken did it once. That was so much fun.

After we left there and were driving back he asked if I wanted hot chocolate. I said yeah, so we went to 7-Eleven, and got hot chocolate and he got a box of donuts, the "Donettes." Ha. Then he was driving back to my apt. and I thought he was just going to drop me off, but he asked if he could park in the parking lot (of BDA), and I thought maybe he wanted to stay longer than just dropping me off (and got excited at that idea..), so I told him to park in number 4, cuz no one lives there. So he did and came up the stairs with me, which is when I asked him if he had had breakfast or wanted some (at my apt.). He motioned to the box of donuts he was holding and then I understood that he bought those to share. So he followed my right in, and we sat at the table and drank our hot chocolate and at donuts, and just talked for a while. He just kept staying and talking, which I liked, I was just a little surprised. Eventually I asked if he wanted to sit down (as I motioned to the couches) and he said sure, so we went over to the couches, but he sat on the short couch, so I sat on the other couch because I felt awkward sitting on the little couch with him, but then I felt like we were like a mile apart. It was kind of funny. But then we got talking again and it was good. Still felt really far apart, but we just kept talking.

Eventually his work called him and said that the group scheduled for noon was coming after all, in spite of the snow, so he told him he'd be there and hung up. I thought he'd leave right away, but he kept on chatting for a few more minutes.

Then, as our conversation kind of reached a lull, he said he was sorry he had to leave, and he seemed really like he would rather stay. It was nice. So he grabbed his donuts and we hugged and he left.

By the night before I had basically decided that that was going to be our last date--and who knows, maybe it will be--but that that would be it, and that he wasn't the one, and that he was just trying me out one more time, or what not. But turns out it went even better than expected, and I am even more interested in him, and he seems to be at least somewhat interested in me..

I just want to be with him. I was hoping he would want to do something last night after work. He didn't. Probably a good thing because I needed to do homework. And then I've been hoping he would want to do something today, but so far no invites. He texted me a little bit ago, and when I saw it was him I screamed/squealed, and Alisha was in the room (she's back in Provo for the weekend) and guessed it was a text from Ken, and was right, and we were both excited... :) But he just asked if I had gotten a cold from yesterday. I said no, why, did you? He said no, he just wondered. So then we've texted back and forth a bit more, and it's been good I guess, nothing amazing or overly flirtatious, but better texting than usual with him. But yeah, nothing more.

I don't know what he's thinking, or how interested he is, and it's hard not to. I mean he seems to be interested, by asking me on dates, and he seems interested when we are on dates, but in between, I don't have much to go on. I feel like I'm still in like a trial period with him, like I still have to prove myself or something, and I don't love that feeling. It makes me a little anxious, because I feel like I am falling more and more for him, and becoming more and more interested in him, the more I get to know him, but I can't tell if it's a mutual thing, and that's hard because the more interested in him I become, the harder it is to be indifferent and not be hurt if it doesn't go anywhere.

But I'm practicing being patient and just seeing what happens. So, we'll see.