Today I want to stay. :)

So life is good right now. Really good, really.

Things are so much better with roommates. This last week or so has been an emotional rollercoaster with that situation. Some days I want to move out, some days I want to stay. Today I want to stay.

Tisah and I are becoming friends again. I pray for it everyday, and my prayers are being answered. I've also been quite frustrated and discouraged about Katie (another roommate) and my relationship with her. Sometimes she'll be really friendly with me, and then sometimes she's really distant and almost cold. The most frustrating thing has been that it's when Carrie or Carrie and others that she is the most friendly with me; and those times we can have SO much fun. Carrie, Katie, and I, late at night, always means laughing our heads off and getting nothing done. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's always a blast. But then the next morning, as, say Katie and I are the only ones up or something, and getting ready, she's back to being quite and not talkative or friendly really, towards me. It's like I have to start over everyday with our friendship. She's not a real social person at all, on her own, and I know that, but it's still frustrating, and has become more so lately. It's become so frustrating to me, almost making me feel bad, that she has been another main reason I've wanted to move out as of late.

However, I started praying about it a few days ago, praying to become better friends, etc., and I was so blessed with my prayers answered, again. On Sat. night she and I were the only ones home, and we were both in the living room, on our laptops, doing homework while watching Pirates 3. I had wanted to go to the women's volleyball game (last one of the season, and I hadn't gone to any yet this semester, so sad), and didn't have anyone to go with me. I asked her, but she didn't really want to b/c she wasn't really dressed and didn't have any makeup on, etc. But then we got chatting more, and laughing about different things, and then she mentioned how much she had been wanting frozen yogurt. She doesn't have a car. So I was like, "how about you go to the game with me and I'll take you to get frozen yogurt." And we were laughing and she was gonna say that too. It was funny.

So we got ready and left about 5 minutes later.

We got there during the first game, and ended up staying the whole time, through 4 games. It was a ton of fun, the game was awesome! BYU won.

But it was just me and her, and we ended up talking a lot about mission stuff (she just started her papers!) and then got onto the subject of her family and her sister and the hard situation going on there. Her sister struggles with same-sex attraction, and it's really hard for them all. She told me a lot about that situation, and I just feel so bad for her. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a sibling go through that, and choose to live that lifestyle, and leave the Church because of it..it would be so hard. I was really touched, and grateful, that she felt like telling me about it all. It meant a lot, and I really feel like it brought us a lot closer, for which I am SO grateful. It literally was an answer to prayers. I really love Katie. She's so much fun, so fun to joke and laugh with, but she's also really sweet and a great listener.

Anyway, after the game we ended up going home to grab Carrie, and she came with us to get frozen yogurt at this place called Farr's, down by the University Mall. It was soooooo good! It's like Spoon It Up, where it's soft serve ice cream, but so many flavors, and you make your own, and put any toppings you want on it, and then pay by the ounce. It was amazing, and so much fun. The three of us always have a blast together, I love it.

So yeah, things with Katie are so much better. I just hope they stay that way. I guess that will be the real test.

But things with Tisah are better too. I feel like each day, we slowly become better friends. Very slowly.

On top of all this, Thanksgiving is in 3 days, tomorrow is our last day of school before the break, I don't have any physics at all this week (hallelujah!!!!!), I made a lot of progress on the master timeline of True Blue Tuesdays for next semester today (which has been hanging over my head for weeks), my birthday is in 4 days (I'll be 24, weird), and I am so un-stressed about school right now (because of the break this week) that I was able to sit and watch a movie I've been waiting to for a while, with Carrie. It was so great!

The only thing that would make all of this even better would be if I had a man. I would love a guy to hang out with, that just wanted to hang out with me. Someone to cuddle with and watch a movie, or go to a piano recital that I have to for my piano class, and hold hands through the whole thing.

Speaking of guys, Bryant wrote me on facebook yesterday and asked how I was doing, with 2 question marks at the end. I was surprised and pleased that he did, but didn't know what it meant. I kept my guard and just said Hey, I'm doing really well, how are you? He replied today and asked if I'm surviving school. I answered and said Ha, yeah, but the break is much needed and will be very nice. And I asked him how work is going. Then he responded with Work is...work....I'm just struggling being home again... to which I felt bad for, I remember getting home and adjusting and how hard it was. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say, with his dot dot dot, but I just said It's hard. I know how it feels. I'm sorry. Can I do anything for you? to which he hasn't responded.

Part of me wonders if he is suddenly talking to me because he and his girlfriend aren't dating anymore, or if he's just trying to stay friends and stay in touch..I don't know.

Anyway, I try not to get too excited when he replies or what not. I don't think he's the one..he's just too small, remember?

But also speaking of guys, I don't know if I've ever written about the select guys in my classes or in the BYUSA office that I have slight crushes on, but one of them is Mike, the accountant, in the office. He's cute, but my kind of cute. And it's fun to joke and laugh with him. He thinks I'm funny, and I think he's funny. I would love to got out with him. That could be a lot of fun. Even as much as I don't love dates. I think a date with him could be really fun.

But I saw him today, only for a second, but it seemed like he looked at me, specifically, from across the way.. I'm probably wrong, but a girl can hope, right? Here's to hoping...

More catching up...and wanting to move out.

So we've once again come to a bump in the road with Tisah. I'm getting really emotionally exhausted with this.

This last week we went on a group roommate date and because of things that happened in preparation for the date (my date--Carrie's brother's roommate, who I was just being set up with), I was really frustrated at Tisah, because then she got her good friend, Brian, who I thought (she had told me just a week or so earlier) she was interested in, to be my last-minute date. So I was frustrated that I was put in an awkward situation of being on a date with the boy she was interested in; the date ended up being reallly fun actually, Brian was a good date. But then what frustrated/hurt me the most was that Tisah never said anything about it again, when I assumed, and was so sure she knew I was frustrated about the night, and even figured she knew I was frustrated at her. So I felt like since she didn't bring it up or say anything about it, she didn't care, which hurt a lot.

Other things have happened this week that have added to it festering, and by today, I just couldn't take it anymore and I texted her this afternoon after church and asked if we could talk.

So we just finished talking a few minutes ago, and I'm glad I got to tell her what has been bothering me, but turns out I assumed lots of things wrong, and we miscommunicated again, and that she doesn't actually like Brian like that anymore (wish I'd known that), and that she didn't know I was still frustrated after the date about the date, and didn't know that it was she who was the problem for sure, this week.

We talked about things, I ended up crying, again, which I hate because I'm always the one to get emotional, and she doesn't really. But even though we talked about things, things are still weird, and right now I feel like I'm not sure if they are ever going to really get back to normal. I just don't feel on the same page as her. I feel like she isn't real with me a lot of times, unless we're alone. I feel so alone and out of place in this apartment lately. I feel like I'm not myself a lot. Tisah said she feels like I'm always mad. That hurt. I can kind of see why she said that, but always? I would love nothing more right now than to go home to Salt Lake or go live with Camille and Jake and not come back. If it wouldn't cause drama and a lot of effort, I would seriously consider moving out.

Tisah and I are so opposite emotionally, I think that's why it's been so hard. When she is upset about something, she just confronts the person and works it out, and naturally expects others to do that too. When I get frustrated I (subconsciously, maybe consciously) expect the person to realize they've frustrated me, and ask, and when they don't, it festers, and I just get more and more frustrated and hurt. It's so much easier for me to talk about what's wrong if I'm asked. It's very hard for me to just come out and say it, until it gets to the point when I can't take it anymore and end up talking about it. And even then it's very difficult and emotionally taxing, and I end up in tears, partly because, at least with Tisah, when I think she is much to blame, by the time our talk is over, I often am made feel like (probably not on purpose) it's my fault, and I feel very small. Not in the humbled way, but in the I am an emotional mess, and you aren't at all, and I feel really embarrassed that it's caused me this much grief when...I dunno. I just feel dumb and not like I fully got my point across. I mean, I think she can see where I'm coming from, but the conversation didn't go how I hoped. It wasn't very satisfying to me.

I would so love to live with older girls, ideally returned missionaries. I feel slightly judgmental saying that, because it's not a bad thing at all when girls haven't served missions. But there's just a different level of understanding and maturity with RMs. I miss living with RMs. I don't want to just complain about my apartment, but a lot of the time I feel like I live in a young apartment. I love all my roommates, but sometimes I just wish I had someone like Emily (Williams, now McConkie) living in the same apartment, that I could talk to. I just don't really feel like I can talk to Tisah like that anymore, or at least lately.

Augh, and I feel like I am the emotional wreck of the apartment, and that now Tisah and Carrie are going to talk about me, and that makes me feel even more isolated...

I just want to go home.

Catching up..Bryant (no Bryant), Megan's baptism, and my shoe fetish

So I am clearly terrible at keeping up with my journal writing.

But to try to sum up the high points (or major happenings, I should say, they're not all high points). So things with Bryant did not work out. They were SOO good for a bit, we texted back and forth a ton for a couple days after our awesome date. It was really fun and we became extremely flirtatious, possible more so than I've ever been with anyone. Through our flirting it became clear that we both wanted to cuddle, and he basically suggested that we try it next time we hang out. Typing this, that sounds almost inappropriate, but I promise, it was all appropriate, clean, and fine. It was really funny. Anyway, on top of that, in that same flirtation, I pretty much told him that I liked him. And I only admitted that because I was very confident that the feeling was mutual. Otherwise I would never say such a thing to a boy.

Anyway, then things were kind of weird over the weekend of Halloween, we didn't text much at all, and I was starting to wonder what was going on, then he texted me on Monday, and then we texted more on Tuesday, and it was good again that day, except that day we were texting about...well, long story short, I told him he should come down to my Institute cuz it is really good, and he asked if I was trying to get him to come down and see me again..and I was still slightly irritated at him for the weekend weirdness, and then trying to just go back to flirting with me. So I said I wouldn't complain, but that our Institute really is good. Then he said "Provo is just so far..." and I was kind of hurt by that, b/c it made me feel like I wasn't worth driving a mere hour for. And yeah, compared to living here, that is far, but I felt like he and I had some really good potential, and guys like him, and guys that I click with that well, don't come around everyday, and I would be willing to drive an hour to go see him. Plus it was harder for me to get up there b/c I am so crazy busy with school and everything. So I was kind of hurt that he obviously didn't feel the same way.

We texted a little more later in the week, initiated by me though, but then things were weird. And I was up in Salt Lake that weekend, which he knew I would be, but never said anything about wanting to do anything, which bummed me out too. So I decided I wouldn't either, since I already put myself out there.

So that weekend (Nov 6, 2010) I was up in Salt Lake and Sandy, staying with Camille and Jake and going to Megan's baptism, and then staying at the Merkley's again Sat. night. The weekend was so fun, and so needed! I had needed to get away from my apartment and my roommates for a while, and it was a great breath of fresh air. I love hanging out with family, especially Camille and Jake. And it was so good to see Mom and Dad, and Rosanna and Steve and all the kids; and Grandma and Grandpa Gurr were there, and even Lanette, and it was so good to see them, especially Lanette. She and I ended up talking together for a long time at the Kerr's house after the baptism, and she told me all about the Hardy's situation, and Rulon, and how abusive and brainwashing he's been to Diane and all the kids for so long; and about Diane and her situation of leaving him for good finally and living with Ty and Lanette in their basement with Rachel. I had no idea everything that was going on and had gone on for so long with their family. It is so sad. It definitely made me even more grateful though for my family and my "normal" upbringing. I am SO grateful for devoted, loving parents, who rarely fought in front of us kids, and who have stayed so true to each other, and for Dad, who has ALWAYS treated mom so well. I can't really believe how lucky I got to have such amazing, loving, compassionate people as parents. They are truly amazing. And I just pray for the Hardy family. Fast Sunday was the next day, and I included Diane and Rachel and the Thorpes in my fast. I can't imagine what they are really going through. I really have experienced nothing like that kind of emotional trauma. I have a lot of respect and admiration for Lanette for being such a strength and rescuer to Diane and her family.

Anyway, so that afternoon I still hadn't heard from Bryant, which I was hoping to, he knowing I was up there (while texting after our date he had told me to let him know anytime I was up there, so I was wondering why, now that he knew, why he wasn't asking me to do anything..). But I really wanted to hang out with him, so I texted him, just how are you, and then later, while I was at the Merkley's, after having put the boys to bed while Camille and Jake were at dinner, I texted him again and told him I was still up there in SL, and that he should come hang out at my sister's.

No response. Ever.

Until the next afternoon, Sunday, when he said "I realized my response never got sent. I was at the Real soccer game." No apology, nothin. So I was slightly irritated, but after a while responded with "Fun, how was it?" and he said "it was really cool, how was your weekend?" Something felt really weird, I didn't know what was going on or where we were anymore, so finally I texted him back and told him how my weekend was, and then said "Is everything ok? I don't really know what's going on anymore..." And he texted back that he needed to call me soon (he told me that in a text a few days before, and tried calling when I was still in institute, but that tonight would be hard, and that he was really bad at this. So at that point I knew it wasn't going to be good. Which is why some tears leaked out.

I texted back and told him I'd be up til midnight probably and please just tell me, and that whatever it was, it was okay. So he said he'd call me.

He did a while later, and told me that his pre-mission girlfriend and he had been talking a lot lately and decided to get back together and be exclusive. That is beasically what I thought it was, but it still hurt. I felt like there was finally someone I was really interested in, and even more, was interested back, and now I was 2nd best. It was hard. I felt like I was being dumped, and we weren't even dating. I cried for a bit that night, and I think a little the next day, but I'm okay now. I'm not mad at him though, which is a miracle. I think it has a lot to do with me praying to not be mad at him and not direct my hurt at him. Prayers are definitely answered.

He's been through so much, his mom died 6 months into his mission, then his dad remarried 5 months later; his brother has gone inactive; he's living with a friend right now; not to mention he just got home from his mission and is adjusting, which is the suckiest thing of all. Plus, I'm an hour away, and she is closer to him, so I'm glad she can be there for him. Plus, I was worried with how interested I already was in him, and that things seemed like they really could go somewhere, b/c I was concerned about his size. He is kind of skinny and small. He's my height, barely, maybe even a half an inch shorter, and his legs are thin. He does have broad shoulders, which helps a lot, but still. Also, on top of that, his shoes.

I don't know if I've ever written about my shoe fetish with guys, but I have one. Their shoes is one of the first things I look at on a guy. I feel like you can tell a lot about a guy's personality from what kind of shoes they are wearing. Anyway, there are certain shoes that I am not so attracted too, such as converse (most of all), skater shoes, the slip-on really flat boat-type shoes; also the flat, popular Vans tennis shoes (not athletic type) that so many guys wear these days. Those are the kind of shoes Bryant wears. Though, because of this, and because of other guys who I've been attracted to that also wear those shoes lately, despite the fact that they wear those shoes, I've begun to rethink my opinion of guys who wear those ones...

Anyway, so Bryant Pearson is out. But I hope to meet someone that has a lot of his qualities. He was an amazing conversationalist, probably the best I've ever known, who I was interested in back, he is so funny, he thinks I am funny, he was a fantastic missionary, has a powerful testimony, he is kind, he is able to be openly complimentary, and with some very sincere compliments; and he is a gentleman. I hope his life turns out really well, I really do.