Frustrating males in Provo

And the saddest part about it all (the Isaac situation, or lack thereof) is that I really think he and I could have a really great relationship.

I'm so frustrated and discouraged about boys. I want to be dating someone so bad. So bad. This probably sounds dumb, but I ache for that type of relationship right now. I crave it so much.

There's this other guy, he's actually one of the stake institute teachers, and his name is Rob Martin, and he's like 27 and a really great guy. I've met him and talked to him a couple times, and I would love so much to have the chance to get to know him better. He wears chaccos, which I love, and is mature, has graduated, has a job, is funny, and he's cute. My kind of cute, clean cut. He's actually roommates with John Sowa, who is in our dinner group. So when John cooks is when I've been able to talk to him a little, at their apt., but it doesn't happen very often. So I don't see him very much, but I just really feel like there could be something there, if we got the chance. I actually pray for it, often.

Right now I feel like I just need to get out of Provo and hang out with family. I feel like Provo is just filled with disappointing men right now (those already mentioned, as well as Nate Fairbourn), and it's really discouraging.

I need my little Rachel (Kerr). I just love her. All my nieces and nephews. I need to get out of here and feel some love that I don't have to compete for.

Fun Manti Pageant and dumb Isaac

So this weekend, on Friday, we had a ward Manti Pageant trip, where we drove down and saw the pageant and then camped out in a park there, had breakfast in the park the next morning, and then drove back. It was a lot of fun!

One of the reasons it was so much fun was because Jessica Viehweg, who is new in the ward, was basically my buddy the whole time. She's really awesome, 24 like me, just got back from her mission in Malaysia, studying exercise science as well, and also wanting to be a PA. So we have a lot in common and she's a really cute and fun girl. She actually reminds me a lot of Sister Dickson, one of my favorite companions.

Anyway, it was just Jessica and I in my car there and back, so we got to talk a lot, and that was great. We sat together at the pageant, and slept next to each other in the tent. She's like my new ward friend, which is nice because Tiffany, my new summer friend next door, is moving home to Canada this week, she's decided.

Anyway, so that's partly why it was so fun (not to mention Trisha being there, and Andrea, Rachel, Jeff, Melissa Tribe, and others). But it was also a lot of fun because Isaac went. Yes, the Isaac that I was so frustrated with not too long ago. Well, this past week those frustrations have subsided slightly--he sat next to me at institute, totally of his own accord, and then walked next to me on the way home from institute after, and of course teased and flirted with me all the way home. That was when we started the joke of him thinking about me often..haha. Anyway, so I wasn't so irritated with him, and was then even hoping he was going on the Manti trip, etc. He was, and I was glad.

So then on the Manti trip--oh wait, the day before the trip, on Thurs evening, I took over a bag of skittles and just left them on his door step, in apology for us stealing their bowl of skittles a few weeks ago when we stopped by to say hi at their elders quorum movie night. We girls had just pranked Dan Smith next door (he was at Isaac's watching the movie) and were hyper, and Isaac had called and invited me and whoever to come to their movie night cuz it failed, due to there being no girls there, he said. I had joked earlier in the week about how I wanted to include on the ward email for the guys to not forget to bring a date to the EQ movie night. I was being funny, but Isaac didn't find it that funny...anyway. So we used the great timing that we knew Dan and his roommates were gone to prank him, in revenge for how he got me out in Assassin at the beginning of the summer. Anyway, we took the skittles bowl and Isaac hadn't let me forget it since. And he's seemed kind of serious at times, plus I've felt bad about other kind of immature things we did that night, in our hyperness, including what we did with their skittles. So that's why I bought him more skittles. But I didn't want to actually hand them to him, and I didn't leave a note or anything, I just left them on the ground at their door.

So on Friday, we got to Manti and were at our tent site before the pageant started, and I saw him and said hi, and he came over and stuck out his hand in like a truce-like way, like making amends. I said, "Did you get them?" and he said yes, and then he said, very sincerely, "You are a gem. You were a gem before, but you are a gem." It was so sweet, b/c he was so sincere. That was so refreshing, since so much of what he says to me is sarcastic and teasing. I wish he would talk to me like that more, because I think we could have really great conversations and a really great relationship.

So we all walked up to the pageant and I had all my blankets and purse/bag with treats and everything in my arms, and as we were walking, I was just walking with Jessica and chatting, and we were on the edge of the group, and he deliberately came over to us and wanted to help me carry something. I thought that was really nice and gave him a couple blankets to carry. Then we just started chatting, about his Chinese lessons he's taking and things. I was really excited to be having a regular conversation, no sarcasm, and really hoped this would last.

As we kept walking, our group slowly got more spread out, and somehow Jessica and I were walking a little ways ahead of Isaac and Steve Schmidt. Isaac saw something funny in someone's house window, and immediately called out to me, "Melissa! Did you see that?!" He wanted me to see it and share in what he thought was funny. I didn't see what he had, but I was so flattered that he would do that, and specifically call out my name. We got there, and I really wanted to sit by him, so I made sure Jessica went in first (in the row of chairs saved for us) and then I did, and Steve was behind me, which I was bumbed about cuz Isaac was behind him. Jessica sat down, then I did, then Steve stepped over to the row in front, also with ward members, and Isaac went ahead and sat down next to me. I was really glad.

So that was really fun, the pageant was a little cheesy at parts, but fine, but Isaac and I would joke about something, flirting every now and then, and he cracks me up. Our arms were touching some of the time, but then he'd move, so I don't know what to think about that. But then like I was holding the bag of carrots and we were both eating out of it, and he stuck his hand in and shook it around, so I grabbed it with my free hand, and he was like, "if you want to hold my hand, just say so" or "just grab it" or something like that. But he says things like this and gives me attention like that, that I just have to assume that he feels something for me, or is interested, or something.

Anyway, it was really fun to be sitting next to him, and Jessica as well. We walked back and we kind of all just joked about the pageant the whole way back to the park where we were camped. It was pretty funny, the cheesiness of it, and the dramatic body language and hand motions throughout the whole thing as they spoke. My favorite phrase in the pageant was "violent spiritual ecstasy." I don't remember when it was said or why, but when it was, I was like, "what?" repeating it to Isaac, and said, "Use that in a sentence." I was kind of just kidding, but a minute later he leaned over to me and said something to the effect of, "When I think of you, I'm thrown into a violent spiritual ecstasy." I busted up, it was hilarious.

Anyway, once back to our tents, we didn't really interact much. A bunch of us (Jessica, Andrea, Trisha, Steve, Josh, Jeff, Melissa,...a couple others..) started playing Match Uno on blankets and with lanterns that I brought from home, but Isaac and the others (Patrick, Erin, Catherine, Kindel) stayed a little ways away and just chatted or whatever. I of course was wishing he would come play with us, but we had a lot of fun, so it was fine.

Then in the morning, I think I was actually one of the very first ones up, surprisingly. I woke up at like 6:30 and could tell I probably wasn't going back to sleep, plus my allergies started and I had to sit up to blow my nose and everything, so I just stayed up. But after a little bit Jessica woke up and we got up and went to the bathroom so she could brush her teeth. Then she set out her blanket on the grass and we just sat on it. I was laying on it when Isaac came out, and he stood blocking the sun for me, and would move when I would move so he could block the sun from my eyes. I thought that was so nice.

When we took the tents down he seemed to want to specifically help me. That was sweet too. After that, he and I didn't have too much interaction. And he rode back with Catherine and those guys again (who he came down with).

So after the trip I was feeling great about him again, really liking the interaction we had had, and was feeling pretty confident that there is something there, mutually. I just was wishing he would do something about it.

But then today, at church, I only had a little interaction with him, and it wasn't great, and I was irritated with what how he said what he said to me (until we got interrupted when someone came up to talk to him). It was right after sac. mtg. and I had wanted him to come sit by me cuz he was sitting along on a close row across the aisle and no one was next to me on that side. But he didn't. So then after sac. mtg. I had been brave and made eye contact with him and said hi, how's it goin? And then he was like, "I liked your phone call yesterday" or something, referring to the message Andy (Proctor--they are good friends) left on his voicemail while he was here at my apt borrowing my cowboy boots and hat, and told him that I had mentioned that he and I had hung out overnight the night before (at Manti)...it was all just a joke, of course, and I thought it was all hilarious, but how Isaac said just that much (before we got interrupted), and with the tone in his voice, I just didn't feel like he really thought it was that funny, and that maybe he was even offended or something. I don't know. But it kind of ticked me off because I had been so excited to see his reaction to it, when Andy left the message, and his reaction, or the little I got of it, was totally a let down. I had wanted to explain more of the situation and how Andy got to calling him and leaving that message, what led up to it. But I didn't get to. Whoever it was started talking to him and so I waited for a few seconds, but then felt awkward just standing there, so I left and went to the bathroom to fix myself before ward council.

So now I was irritated with him again, and bummed about the situation. I conducted ward council today, and at one point he was talking about something, an idea they had for a ward fireside, and explaining it to all of ward council, but he mainly kept looking at me as he talked. And I don't know if it was because I was conducting and I had asked about any other calendar items to discuss, or what. But I was glad and irritated at the same time.

Then after ward council was over I just was leaving and happened to walk out behind Kim and Isaac, and didn't really acknowledge him or anything but looked both ways to try to remember which end of the building we were on to figure out which way to go to go home, and he noticed, and then as I turned the opposite way that they were going (cuz they weren't going home yet) he was like, "Oh my gosh Melissa." and that's all he said. He does this oh my gosh thing with me, and it was funny for a while, but then not when it was just part of his constant sarcasm around me. But when he said it it was like he just wanted to say something to me, and that's what he resorted to on the spot or something. I left and walked home just irritated and frustrated with him.

Why can things be so good between us just a day and a half before, and then it's like we're (or he's) shy around each other (around me), or we're back to this sarcasm. He was SO friendly with me, and it was SO good Friday night at the pageant! Why does it change so quickly?? And why does he seem SO interested at times like that and then never DOES anything??? I'm getting so fed up with him! Not because he's perfect and I just want to date him so bad or anything, but because he is messing with my emotions. As much as I think I'm not affected by him much or that I'm like "whatever" about him, after I'm irritated with him, and he is nice again and gives me positive attention, he makes me think about him a lot again. And then he's a bum and dumb and does nothing. Doesn't text me, call me, ask me to do anything. It's clear that when we're together he likes being around me. But he never does anything! Aaa! I am so frustrated with him, and boys in general. I'm fed up again.

Boys are so frustrating. They show interest, and then do nothing. Then they show interest, and do nothing. This is the story of my life right now. Aaaaa! I just want to be out of this dang game.

My last semester!!! Aaaaaa!

My short 3-day weekend summer vacation was just what I needed to be ready to start back into another semester. My LAST semester. Crazy!!!

Yep, today is Thurs., and I just finished the first week of my last semester. I can't believe I'm really graduating in August. I don't think it's really hit me, but it sure is getting closer and closer and more real. I finally just ordered my cap and gown yesterday, and am taking my last requirements to finish my degree. Am I really old enough to graduate college?? And then I'm supposed to know what to do after that?? I mean, I'm 24, I've served a mission, and now about graduated college, but I still feel so young, so inexperienced, so inadequate to go onto a grad school, like PA school or something. Aaa! And no, I still don't know what to do with my life. I'm nearly as lost as ever right now. It's still between PA and nursing, but recently I've been playing around with the idea of a paramedic or EMT (I'm in a first aid class:). And I'm supposed to be studying for the GRE so I can apply to these places and I should be submitting my PA school application, and I just haven't done those things yet...I don't have a ton of motivation right now, I think mostly b/c I really don't know what I want to or am supposed to do with my life.

But as far as my class schedule this semester, I'm taking Advanced First Aid and Safety, Chem 107 (a lab), Pearl of Great Price, tennis, and I'm auditing guitar. It's quite a few classes for summer term, but it's only 6.5 credits, which is definitely full time (8.5 if I count guitar), but I feel like it's doable.

This semester I have not even touched my schedule, switching classes around or adding different ones, since before it started. That has never happened. Not in my whole BYU career. The first week of every semester is always so stressful cuz I always seem to be switching classes, going to more than I'm signed up for, trying this one and that one to see which ones I want to actually take. And it always works out, but it's crazy and stressful until I actually settle on a set schedule and only go to those classes. But this semester I have not changed my schedule once this whole week, and it's been amazing. Partly cuz it's never happened before, but also because it has been such a more relaxing first week of school than I've ever experienced I think. I really don't think it's ever happened. If it has it was like once, and definitely before my mission. But I really think this is the first time. I'm glad I did it, it's about time, as I'm graduating.. :)

I like my classes though, for the most part. Heavenly Father knows me so well, and loves me so much. He knows how important the social aspect of school (and life in general) is to me, so even if I'm taking a class I really don't want to be in, He has friends in there for me, either ones that I already know, or people that I can become friends with quickly, or both. Like my chem lab. Chem 107. The class I haven't wanted to take. Ever. I'm only taking it to increase my options for PA schools and nursing schools. Some require a chem lab (or multiple, which I don't have), so I will be able to apply to more schools now, if I choose to. But I went, and the first day, on Tues., as class was just starting, I looked down the row in the auditorium room we were in in the Benson building, and there was Jerom Bridges.

Jerom and I met in the physics homework lab (such a serendipitous place, that homework lab:) on afternoon, I think last fall. Fall 2010, I believe. And we ended up working on the homework assignment together that was due that day, I think it was a Friday, and then the subsequent quiz that was also due that day, until like 10 pm that night. We were literally there together, having just met, for multiple hours that evening, doing this dang assignment and practice quiz. Being in the homework lab doing physics for that long on a Friday night sounds awful. But, like Heavenly Father is so good to me, because it was a fun social experience, because Jerom was there, he made it much more bearable, and even fun. He had me laughing, we joked back and forth, it was great. And we had just met that day. That's why I loved the physics homework lab. :)

But the rest of that semester I only saw Jerom in the lab again every now and then, not a ton. But then the next semester (this last winter semester 2011) we had Nutrition 201 together, as well as Functional Anatomy. We weren't in the same class/section, well except the first day I went to his section, but we had the same professor (Dr. Johnson, loved him!) and we'd see each other in open lab fairly often, and sometimes study together in there on the cadavers. That semester I had Children's Lit, so I studied up in the juvenile section of the library a lot, and he did too, for whatever reason, so toward the end of the semester we'd see each other up there a lot, it seemed.

I was sad when winter semester was over, for many reasons--I loved my classes, all primarily exercise science classes, and they were so awesome; but also the social aspect of that semester was so great! I had lots of friends in my classes, mainly just school friends (just people I saw at school), and Jerom was one of them. I was kind of bummed that I wouldn't see him any more. Then I ran into him in the library last semester (spring) and we ended up chatting for like 15 minutes or so, it was so great! He's like this old friend! Then I ran into him again in the Wilk a couple weeks ago, he was studying for the GRE.

So then this semester starts and on the second day, Tuesday, I go to my lab and look down the row, and there he is! Jerom and I have a class together again, of course! I was so excited, and thought it was so funny. When the first part of class was over and it was time to go to the actual labs, I went over to him and he was like, of course we have this class together, we don't have any other classes together this semester yet.. or something like that. And it's so true. We are like destined school friends. And the funny thing is, through all of this, since I met him, we've never exchanged numbers. There have been times when I would love him to ask me out, I mean, I always would. He's fun to be around, I would love to hang out with him, and be around him when we aren't doing school stuff, cuz I think he'd be really fun. But yeah, so far we are strictly school friends. Although we did both go to the outdoor guitar explosion last semester, and chatted afterwards as we started to walk home.

Anyway, that's Jerom.

But my point of that was that Heavenly Father is so good to me and blesses me with friends wherever I go, I feel like. Like also in my tennis class, I was a little nervous to take it be myself, cuz Tiffany (my next door neighbor and new friend, as of the summer) and I were going to take it together, but then she decided not to, and I've never really played and it's totally out of my comfort zone. But I decided to anyway, to learn a new sport, and I even was blessed to get into an earlier section than I was originally in, which is taught by Matt, my volleyball teacher who I loved, winter semester. And when I got there he immediately acknowledged me and does every time, but also, Jake Blood, a good friend from my ward last year, Winter 2010, is in the class too, which I was way excited about. He's awesome, so that's fun. I'm really grateful to know someone in it. And one of his mission buddies is in it too, Tad, who was actually in my Marriage Prep class last semester, and who I thought was this kid from my mission (who I didn't know well, obviously) and asked one time and he was like no.... It was awkward. Anyway, he's in it too, and he is I think my age (and Jake's), which is so refreshing to be around guys that are older than 21 or 22... And we're slowly becoming friends, he's nice, and cute. That's fun too.

Anyway, I just feel really blessed. I'm so blessed everyday. The Lord's hand is so in my life, and as much as I am sick of being single and so want to be dating someone and to have that companionship and affection, etc., I know it will happen when it is supposed to, and until then, I am so blessed regardless.

It's dinner time now, gotta go!

My 3-day summer vacation

I think yesterday (Friday) was the most productive day in my entire life. I had just gotten done with finals (Spring semester) the night before, which was such a relief. And I start school again on Monday, for my last semester (crazy!). So I had a three-day weekend off. I've been planning for a while that I would come up to Salt Lake to hang out with family that I can never do stuff with cuz I'm always too busy with school and everything, and for Father's Day, over this weekend between semesters. I ended up getting asked out for a date at Boondocks, which is in Draper, for Friday night, so I decided that was when I would come up here and stay for the weekend. I told him, Nate Bingham, that I could be up here around 5. So that meant I had all day until around 4 to get things done. And my goal that day was basically to get as many things done as I could before I was in school again. I got a lot done that I wanted to and had an extremely productive and successful day, which I was very happy about. And I just wanted to describe my day and the things I was blessed to be able to accomplish:

Got up around 8:30 am

Went to the women's gym and worked out--rode the bike for 30 min, WHILE studying for the GRE. Worked out a little more after the bike.

Went home, fixed me a breakfast burrito, read the scriptures, and started on my cleaning projects I've wanted to do for a while.

Cleaned the kitchen floor

Cleaned the bathroom--ALL parts of it, including the disgusting bathroom floor of the toilet/shower area (I really don't think that floor had been cleaned in months, maybe longer...)

Showered

Sent an email to Melissa Madsen (Steve's sister) regarding her experience in PA school (an email I've been meaning to write for a week or two.)

Went to the temple--temple was totally quiet and I just did initiatories, and I was in and out faster than I ever have been as an endowed member, which was really great yesterday because I went basically purely to do service, not so much for answers or anything, so I felt really blessed to get through so fast and be able to get more done after.

Dropped Haley (my roommate, who is back) off at Smith's, ran to Jiffy Lube, got my oil changed finally (months overdue), and ran back to the store, bought my milk and bread I needed, we headed back to our apt.

Finished packing real quick and headed up to Draper to meet Nate at Boondocks (ended up not getting there til about 5:45, which he knew)

(Date was fun--we mini golfed, rode go-carts, played arcades, played laser tag, hit at the batting cages--but I'm not attracted to him like that, sadly)

Date was over and headed to Rosanna's about 9 pm. At Rosanna's, I dyed her hair before we went to bed.

But I was so glad I was able to get so much done--work out, study for the GRE, go to the temple, go to the store, clean the bathroom and kitchen floor, email Melissa, and on top of that I was able to get some laundry done.

I've been staying here at Rosanna's in DayBreak, and it's been such a fun weekend so far. It has been amazing not to have homework to think about or feel guilt from the need to be studying. I've just been able to spend a lot of time with the kids and and our family. Today we had a BBQ at mom and dad's for Father's Day, and it was so much fun to just be able to hang out and play and not be worried about getting back to Provo for anything. I also went sailing with Steve, out on their DayBreak Lake, and then we all went canoeing/kiyaking, and to the beach here. It's been so great! And tonight Rosanna cut my hair, layered it some more, and I'm staying one more night and I'll go to church with them tomorrow, to Sac. mtg., and then head back down to Provo.

But this weekend has been a great 3-day summer vacation. :)

What the heck is with Isaac?

So y'know how I just mentioned that I feel like all (just most, really) guys are really immature around me lately? Now Isaac I feel like fits that category. And he was supposed to be my one mature guy friend in the ward this summer. My goodness, what is a girl to do??

Yeah, so he is driving me crazy too. For some reason, all that comes out of his mouth when he talks to me anymore is sarcasm and teasing, never anything serious or sincere, and it's been funny for a while, but I'm sick of it. I want to be like, "is this your version of flirting? I mean, what are we, back in elementary?" I have become a lot less attracted to him because of this. I don't even make a big effort to say hi to him anymore. Like at ward prayer tonight. He and Dan Smith and Nate Fairbourn were the first ones out there on the balcony, and I waved to them (he waved back) from our apartment "porch," but once we were there...well, we weren't really by him at all. But I was sitting on the ledge by the stairs of the balcony and as he left I didn't make any effort to say anything to him (I used to would have---also, I was having a conversation with someone), but he sure didn't even acknowledge me either. I'm annoyed with him.

I want to be friends with him. I used to think he was a really awesome, respectable guy, and we used to be able to have good, sincere conversations, but man, not anymore. I don't get it. Yet he always has to say something when I'm nearby (well, often), like a snide remark or what not. He always says, "Ooohhh myyy goooosh," and then whatever else. And that phrase has been kind of an inside joke between us for a while, but nothing sincere ever really comes out of his mouth to me anymore, so it's not even really that funny anymore. Ugh, he's been driving me crazy. And I think the thing that bothers me about this is that he was like my last hope, as far as guys go, this summer, or around here. But he's basically out. So that leaves...yeah, no one.

That's right, no options. I've told Tiffany this last week that we've exhausted all our resources, and we need new ones (to which she said, "What resources?" Haha, so true.). There are some good guys around here, but they're all young. Bummer.

Anyway, I think I just needed to vent about Isaac to someone, or on here... :)

Good night!

Todd, my genetics buddy

So that Todd kid I mentioned briefly a while back, he and Mark and I have been Genetics study buddies and Todd and I have especially, because often Mark can't come when we study. And we have all become good friends. At the beginning of the semester, I even was a little worried about how--beyond my reasoning and logic that he is married--was pretty attracted to him. And the bad thing was that I could tell he was attracted to me. And the worse thing was that he would confide in us about his rough marriage (he's only been married almost a year). But never did we do anything inappropriate or anything, but I did pray several times for help to not think about him inappropriately or do anything inappropriate.

Anyway, the ironic thing is--and I've thought that maybe this is an answer to prayer...--he has been driving me crazy the last week or so. He has been acting more immature (I feel like all guys around me are lately, I don't know what it is), and has been kind of clingy and whiney lately. I don't know why. Maybe I should be more sensitive, but whiney or clingy people drive me crazy. So I haven't been acting myself around him, and I know he can tell something is different, and I don't think I've been the kindest to him, which I feel really bad about. I just can't focus or study well anymore when I'm with him, I just feel grossed out in a way.

Thankfully our awesome TA, Julie, has been available a lot the last few days of this week, and we/I could go to her office and ask questions and study with others. I just couldn't study with Todd anymore, but I needed to go talk to her, and he came too, and anyway, it was much better getting help from her.

But I don't even really want to see him tomorrow, I mean, I don't really want to study with him. We have our last test before finals, that we have to take tomorrow, so we'll definitely all be studying after class in the morning, but I don't know how to tell him that I would rather study alone. I wouldn't normally say that, but lately it's actually been really productive to study by myself. Plus I just can't with him.

And the other day I realized that I hadn't been the nicest to him probably, so I wanted to apologize, but when I got to the review on Friday, he immediately was driving me crazy again, so I didn't. I thought, "I can't apologize under these circumstances, when he is still driving me crazy!"

Thankfully, and for more than this reason, this semester is just about over. But I hope to end things well with him, because we've had a lot of serious talks, about his wife and what she struggles with, and different things he struggles with. I have felt like the conversations we've had have been okay, but he's definitely shared some personal stuff with Mark and me. I feel bad that I feel this way. He's going through kind of a constant hard time right now, and that's rough.

Waiting for marriage

The other thing I wanted to write about tonight was that I so wish I was dating someone. I don't really have a best friend, I have good friends, but I would really love a best friend. A best guy friend. I crave that. And I'm sick of guys like Isaac flirting with and teasing me, but teasing me like we are in elementary, but making me enjoy and look forward to his attention nonetheless, and then him not doing anything. I'm sick of guys not doing anything. I know I've said that before and I know that that is probably an unfair generalization, but I'm just in a lonely, frustrated mood tonight, since Institute. I am so ready to be done with the single life some days, and today is one of those.

A lot of what we talked about tonight in Institute was the act of waiting, and different things we wait for at this time in our life. Marriage was definitely the first thing mentioned, and man, do I fall under that category. I used to be afraid of marriage, and felt very un-ready, but I feel much more prepared than even just a year ago, and actually really want it now. But waiting for it, this I must keep doing. I know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen, and that I need to just appreciate and love life for where I'm at in it, and I do a lot of the time, but a lot of the time I also would love to be done with the single life and the dating game, and just hang out with my best friend, and feel loved and wanted and cared about, and even more, to have someone to love and want and care so much about. I just got done with my marriage prep class tonight, and it has been the greatest class! I have absolutely loved it. Dr. Carroll is such a fantastic teacher, very insightful and experienced. And I feel SO much more prepared for marriage, and relationships in general even. But going to that class and talking about dating and marriage so much has definitely increased my desire for those things, which is good, but doesn't make waiting for them to happen any easier...

old Journal list

I was at Institute tonight and found this written in the back of my little notebook, and even though I never actually wrote about most of these things, I want to put this list I made in my journal. I think it's a record in itself. If this was a physical journal right now, I would just tear the page out and stick it in, but since it's not, I'll just type it up.

27 March 2011

Write in journal re:

-Date with E. Goodman (Brett)

-Liking Matt--him not doing anything

-Why are boys so scared to act?

-Why don't they do anything?

-Isaac/Institute

-Camille had baby!

-Figured out summer

-Figuring out life--> I want to do PA

-Reading the scriptures really can protect

I wish I could remember the experience I must have had that made me write that last thing, about the power of the scriptures. But I do know there is definitely protecting power in reading the scriptures. We're promised that, and I have seen it.

About figuring out summer, I went through a very stressful time as I tried to figure out what I was going to do with my summer--where I would live, if I would take spring and maybe even summer classes, and graduate in Aug., or if I should wait and just finish in the fall; I wanted to do the fall option so I could be involved in BYUSA again, but Mom kept advising me to just finish in the summer and be done. She wisely told me that you never know what could be happening, say in the fall, like illness, or getting married, or whatever, so to finish your degree as soon as possible. She is wise. I eventually decided on where to live, which has worked out really great because I've become really good friends with my next door neighbors, Alyse and Tiffany, which has been a great blessing. And I decided to just go all summer and graduate in August, which I feel great about now. It was hard to decided that last semester because I loved my classes and my schedule and the social aspect of my major so much, I hated the thought of graduating and being done and leaving. This semester that thought is a more welcome one, as I'm not as fond of my classes, and I'm getting really in need of a break. So in just a matter of weeks, really, I'll get one. The stressful thing now, again, as I wrote yesterday, is trying to figure out what to do after that. But tonight I worked a lot on my PA school application, so that was good. I mostly just need to finish the essay, which has become the hardest part. I had it written, twice in fact, and then had Sally and Joe read it, and Joe basically said I needed to write another one. It was good advice though, he had some good pointers and ideas, and I could see why he said that. He's been really great to help me out on this application process, having gone through a similar one himself.

Okay, I need to go to bed.

What to do with my life...the recurrent question

So I'm once again in turmoil in regards to my future. I'm back to not knowing what to do with my life. I was set on PA school, and not nursing is back on the board, and I'm totally on the fence about the two. I was getting really overwhelmed last week, and I'm not so much now, thanks to talking to Mom about it, praying, going to the temple, but I still don't know which profession I should choose. So as of now, my plan is to finish my PA school application, and at least apply to the school in Mesa (my top choice), and see how I feel from there. I've also looked at accelerated nursing programs in AZ. For some reason going to AZ is really appealing to me, AZ just keeps coming to my mind. I have never really been there, and I think it would be great to live there. But I dunno.