Andy update..I guess I'll date him :)

So Andy and I went out again three nights ago, and in summary, it wasn't a super great date until the end. He came up, picked me up, we went to dinner at this Thai place downtown that he'd heard about, then to the Lower Lights concert at the Masonic Temple downtown. At dinner and then before the concert started, he did most of the talking. He just wasn't as great at conversation as usual. So I was kind of bored and slightly annoyed, not really feeling it by the time the concert started. And then the concert was fine, I don't really love their music, it's a little too folk-y for me, but since it was Christmas songs it was more fun. And some of the songs I liked more than others. So it was enjoyable enough. Andy had his arm around me for about the second half or so, so that made it more enjoyable.
Then we went to my house, where Rosanna and Steve were picking up the kids, who were there while they had been to Steve's work Christmas dinner party. So Rosanna got to meet Andy, and we all just hung out in the kitchen for a few minutes, with the kids and brownies, while Steve and Rosanna were leaving. So that was fun. Then the Kerrs left and we went up to the living room and decided to watch a movie. We watched Day After Tomorrow, which I've always loved, and love watching in the winter, and he hadn't seen it in a while, so that was fun.
For a while, he just had his arm around me, then about half way through he grabbed my hand. One thing I love about Andy is that we don't have to go through the awkwardness of hand on the leg, etc., he just finds it and grabs it. Then towards the end of the movie he turned and hugged me, pulled back and looked at me, and then I just put my hand on the back/side of his head and kissed him. Previous to the date, I anticipated it going well, and that I would be the one to kiss him. I wanted it to be that way. And I didn't plan on doing it until he was leaving or so. But as things often do, they didn't go the way I planned, haha. He was about to kiss me, but I still kind of wanted to be the one to kiss him, maybe it's a control thing, I don't know..ha. So then we were kissing. And it was okay. Much more okay than it had been the first time. And much more welcomed. I was a lot more ready and so it was more enjoyable for me.
He toyed with french kissing, and I could tell he was holding back because I wasn't engaging in it in return. But he kept testing the waters, and it was getting harder and harder to fight it for me. So finally I brought it up and we talked about it. I told him how I felt about it, and asked him how he felt about it, and to his great credit, he just said, "Well, then I think we just shouldn't do it. That we should just stay away from that boundary." I was really impressed, and surprised actually, at his response. Also grateful, because alone I don't think I had the strength to resist it totally. And I was just the slightest bit disappointed, I'll be honest, haha, because it's never affected me in an inappropriate way, but I know it's different for guys. But my respect for him definitely grew, and I feel like we became closer with the decision, and even just because of that communication. So I'm grateful I was given the strength to talk about it.
So we kiss quite a bit, and for a while, chatting here and there between. And it was all good. When I told him toward the beginning to slow down (before the french kissing talk) he said okay, and he did. And even though we did kiss for a long time (he left at about 3 am..:S..neither of us wanted to stop, haha..), I didn't feel like there was anything inappopriate, it was all cute and fun. And after he left we talked on the phone on his way home, so he didn't fall asleep. Which he kind of actually did, TWICE, on the phone, as he was talking to me! That was kind of scary! But he made it.
Then as I went down to my room and was thinking about the night, I wasn't freaking out, and I felt okay about everything. Timing was so much better this time around, and I felt okay about just trying this thing out, dating him, and just seeing what happens.

Jamie's next response to that email chain

(From Jamie, 12/10/13:)

I read this this morning before I went to work.

I loved it. The main reason I loved it is because all of the things you say, I can relate to perfectly and exactly. Because it's how I feel too. You just have a good way of expressing it. So thanks. It means a lot. All the nice things you say about me. It means so much.

You said that you feel like your heart just can't love anymore than it does right now. I read that and I thought, 'yes!' That's it. That's exactly it. Except...then it does. And I'll think, 'I just can't love that girl anymore.' But then I do. It's like things just keep getting better.

You have spoiled me Melissa. You have spoiled me very much because of our relationship. Should I be worried that I'm a little afraid that any other one (I'm thinking specifically with a guy) might be a disappointment? Or just a little bit of a let down? haha. I hope not. But is all I know is that we are a fantastic team.  

And you have taught me a lot too. You know how I feel. I hope you do anyway. Because most of the time I feel like I can't ever show or even find the words to express it. So just know :)

I love you.

Then from me, 12/12/13:

I read this last night during my break at work and I just wanted to say YES. Yes! I totally agree and feel the same way about how you said that you're a little afraid that any other relationship with a guy might be a disappointment or a little bit of a let down, because I have been feeling that way and been a little worried about that lately too! haha. I think we have the same brain.

And I have spoiled you?? YOU have spoiled ME! Oh my, have you. And I agree, we are a fantastic team. 

Anyway, I just had to tell you that. And now I have to go to bed.

Love you!

My orientation experience with preceptors on AIM-A

This is an email I sent to Eddie (nurse educator) today, in response to his request for a blurb to share at the preceptor retreat, or whatever they're having:

All my preceptors have been pretty great. Here's a few things about each one (I hope I got everyone..):

One night when Erin wasn't even precepting me, she came and asked if I wanted to put an IV in one of her patients who had just pulled theirs out. I was so grateful that she would trust me enough to ask me, as well as come find me to do it and let me practice. Then the night she WAS precepting me, we also had an IV to do, and both times she coached me through it so well, letting me do it but helping me where I needed as well. I so appreciated that. Erin is just awesome over all. I could go on about what a great preceptor she was and how much I learned from her, but one thing I most appreciated was how she treated me and talked to me totally as her equal, even though she is so experienced and I am not! :) 

Malisa has been my main preceptor, and she has been awesome as well. I love how chill she is, yet a really great nurse and very thorough and really good at time management. She is so good with the patients, so compassionate, empathetic, and really personable. She's also really easy to be around and is never (or at least never showed it if she was..) annoyed at my million questions. She is always willing to take the time to answer them and teach me what I need to know. I definitely appreciate that! Oh, and she also got me addicted to whole almonds, which I'll never forget her for.. :)

Andrea was my preceptor just for one day, and she was fantastic. She let me do my own thing mostly, so I wasn't around her a ton that day, but she was always available if I needed, and made sure I had help if I needed. She also is a great teacher, made sure any questions I had got answered, and always answered them in a way that was simple and easy to understand. She is a great teacher. She's also a great nurse, very personable, and extremely thorough!

Bill was a great preceptor, he is a great nurse, knows what he is doing, and is thorough as well. Something that Bill did that I really appreciated on the night that he precepted me was when we had some down time, he quizzed me on where to find certain things in different resources online. I really appreciated that because I learned a lot just from the few things he quizzed me on, like how to find answers to questions in Krames, etc. Things that I'd been shown in orientation and such, but that I didn't necessarily remember how to do. He also was really good to ask me at the beginning of the shift what load I had taken on so far, and gave me enough patients that I felt comfortable with, but that also stretched me a little bit. I appreciated that, he was really nice about it.

Chelsie is one of the most thorough and efficient nurses I've ever been around! She is a great nurse, gets things done quickly, manages her time really well, but also makes sure she her patients are taken care of and doing okay. One day when she was precepting me, she made sure I had any help I needed and kept checking on me, but also let me do things on my own as much as I could, which I really appreciated. Oh, and something Chelsie taught me was to be efficient in shift report and go in order on the sheet. She corrected me when I didn't do it that way, and I really appreciated that she was willing to point that out and teach me, because it was such a simple thing, but I feel like it's made a big difference.

Tye precepted me once and she is awesome! I could basically say almost the same things about everyone who precepted me, and this is probably sounding repetitive, but I really appreciate how patient Tye is and will take the time to answer questions and teach you anything if you don't know. She also is really good at making you feel comfortable and like you are one of her peers. Tye is a great nurse. 

Hope that helps! :)

Melissa Gurr

Oh, PS. I thought of something else that would be beneficial to add to the 6-week orientation process or whatever. But to make and hand out a one-page tutorial on Kronos. How to look at your schedule, how to request time off, how to self-schedule, etc. I'm still just figuring all that out, so I would actually still love a copy, but I think that would be really good to have at the beginning. 

PPS. Thanks for taking the time to chat with me the other day and get my input and thoughts about stuff. And specifically, thanks for showing me all that stuff about timecards. I really appreciated that you would be willing to do that, especially on your own timecard. 

Next email: 

Oh, I just remembered one more! One night Malisa got called off, so Jackie (I know there's multiple Jackie's, but I don't know her last name!) was then kind of over me. It was only for about half the shift, and it was a pretty easy going night, but she was so great to be nearby and available to help anytime I needed. She always asked if I needed any help, and was very willing to do anything for me or show me stuff, and seemed very happy to do so. And I don't know if I've emphasized this enough, but anytime any nurse is willing to answer my questions or show me something, and with a happy attitude, it means the world, because I already feel like a burden, not knowing so much, and everyone has been so patient and understanding and kind about helping me in any way, which I can't say enough about. It has made the orientation process and being new so much less daunting! So make sure the preceptors know how great they've been. :)

a hiccup with Jamie, then better friends than ever

Jamie and I just went through a rough patch, but thankfully it only lasted about a full day. I love her to death, more than ever. But here are the emails that transpired through it.

From me:

Hey,

So I wanted to try to explain why what you said last night was hard to hear. 

That night, the night of the movie, is not a good memory for me, and for multiple reasons. But one was that because I chose to go talk to Cheryl before the movie, I lost out on an opportunity to get to know someone I've wanted to. Because of that, I felt a lot of regret after. So yeah, I was bummed about not getting to sit by Brad, but it was more the opportunity lost, previous to the seating arrangement being changed, and I felt like that was my fault. So the rest of the night I was kicking myself for it. 

Then there were other things that just added, and at the end of the night I was embarrassed about my reaction to how the night went, but it definitely wasn't just the Brad thing. He's not what caused the tears. It was a rough night for multiple reasons (the movie itself was one, it really messed with my emotions, like a very real bad dream, it really affected me, which I honestly think is partly why I was so emotional the rest of the night. Kind of lame, but true.). Which I know is hard to imagine when you were being given attention from a great guy all night, so it's okay.. ;)

So then when you joked last night about me "pouting" over not getting to sit by Brad, I was shocked and kind of crushed, and felt embarrassed that I must have looked like a blubbering fool or something over him. But I didn't really know what to say or think. I already felt vulnerable about what happened the movie night, and I suddenly felt kind of judged, after trusting and confiding in you about my emotions that night, which is hard for me to do, it's not something I'm usually proud of. And like I said, I just didn't know where that comment had come from, but I figured there must be something that brought it on, which is why I started wondering if you had been frustrated at me about the movie night. And it's totally fine if you were or ever have been! You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but I wish that you would tell me. You make me spit things out that are hard to say (which is usually a good thing), but you always just say that you aren't ever mad at me, that I never do things that make you mad. But it's just hard to believe sometimes. And it's fine if you are! Be mad at me once in a while (I say this somewhat lightly, but also seriously :)! Be annoyed! I know I have tons of flaws that probably ARE annoying and frustrating to people, especially to those I'm around all the time, who see the good and the bad, like you--I certainly cause you plenty of grief, I'm sure. I just wish you wouldn't say you really never are if you are occasionally. 

But all that being said, the whole rest of the night last night (and this morning) I was praying, pleading to be able to let it go. To just let it go. After all, it was just one little comment, right? Even though I was kind of hurt, I was also irritated at myself that it affected me like it did. 

So please know that I still love you, and you are still my best friend. I think it's because of this that I just needed you to know. I'm not mad at you, and I'll be fine, and I think we'll be fine too, I just needed you to know.

I really do still love you, a ton

Melissa

Then, from Jamie (she's a saint):

Hey,

I hope I can convey all the thoughts and feelings that I have had today, and specifically in response to this e-mail. 

First of all, thank you for expressing these things to me. I hope you always feel like you can be honest with me without being judged or feeling embarrassed. You don't know how awful it has made me feel to think that you feel like you couldn't confide in me. Being able to share things with you and have you do the same is something I cherish very very much about our friendship. I never want to jeopardize that, and I would never ever want you to feel that you couldn't trust me with your feelings and emotions. And I am so sorry about last night, and also if there have ever been instances in the past where I have made you feel bad in any way.

My comment was meant in a teasing way. But that doesn't make up for the fact that it struck a sensitive spot. I wouldn't have ever even joked about it if I knew or understood how it would effect you, or all that you were going through the night of the movie. I meant what I said last night, and I hope you believe me that I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt you.

I'm sorry that things were rough for you that night. I don't know all the reasons behind that besides the ones that you mentioned, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But don't think that I didn't notice that something was wrong. I am always very aware of you. It doesn't matter who I'm with, or what's going on. I always think of you and worry how my decisions or actions affect you. I worried about you during the whole movie. I was worried that you felt left out because I was sitting by Pat, so I wanted to make sure you didn't feel like a third wheel, and tried to include you, even though I felt like my attempts were in vain (granite it's hard to have much conversation during a movie). But it was really important to me that you had fun. That night was supposed to be for you. I just wanted things to go well, and I felt bad that they didn't work out as well as they maybe could have. But I never once thought you looked like a 'blubbering fool' over Brad. To be honest, I hadn't even thought much about that night since. That's the truth. And again, one of the reasons I am kicking myself for making that stupid comment, because no, I wasn't frustrated at you. Nothing brought what I said on, and it didn't come from anything, except the fact that I knew you were bummed because you didn't get the chance to get to visit with him more. That's all.

I will always be honest with you. I don't usually hold things back or keep my feelings from you. If there have been moments of frustration or hurt, they have been brief. And then they have been gone. I don't hold onto things. I can't. Because it's just not worth it. There is no feeling that matters more than my relationship with someone. It affects me a lot when I have done something to someone I care about, and I want to do anything I can to make it right. I don't know if you really comprehend how much you mean to me. Everything just seems pretty trivial compared to how much I care about you. You say that it's hard to believe that I don't get mad or annoyed at you more often because you have tons of flaws (really?) But I'm sorry to tell you that it's true. Do you remember what I wrote you in your birthday card? I love everything about you. There is not one thing that I don't love about you.

You mentioned that it was just one little comment. But it wasn't. And it hurt. And I can understand why it affected you, and I don't think you should be irritated at yourself for that.

Melissa, you are my best friend. You mean the world to me. No one else compares to you, do you know that? You have been one of the biggest blessings in my life, and came at a time when I needed you the most. I've never told you that I don't think, but you were an answer to my prayers. And you have done more for me and been a better friend to me than I could even imagine or hope for.

I love you.

Jame

Then from me, just now (a couple days later):

So I wrote most of this at work on Sun, during my break, on my phone, and hadn't finished it til now. Just fyi.:)

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I really did appreciate you telling me you were a little (maybe a lot) frustrated at me the other day as well. You were completely entitled to being, I would have been too. And I don't think I ever said it, but I'M sorry for making you frustrated. And then you were so humble about everything I threw at you, and you just let me express my feelings, and you took it so well, so so well, as well as understood and still loved me. Again, I so SO appreciated that, and was just in awe at how humble and meek you have been about the whole thing.
I just re-read this email and it made my day again. I feel like this heart of mine just can't love you anymore than I do right now. That's why I started crying yesterday in the car (initially), because of how touched I was when you were talking about how much you care about me, as well as how much I care about you. Last night after I went home I was thinking about how we both said we could just live happily together for the rest of our lives. And first of all, I think it's crazy that even one of us could say that, let alone both of us. And also, I began to think that if that were really the plan for us, I mean if never getting married in this life meant that I got to just hang out with you through the rest of mortality, I honestly would be fine with that. It would be such a blast, always. Which totally fathoms me that I could feel that way about someone, because I get sick of people.. :) 

Anyway, I can't remember what else I had wanted to include in this when I started writing it, but just know that through this experience, and SO many others, pretty much just our relationship in general, you have taught me, and continue to teach me how to have a good relationship. I have learned more about being in a relationship, and in a successful one, from you, than from anyone else in my life. And I feel like that is huge and a huge blessing to me, especially for if/when marriage ever comes along. I doubt I've ever told you that, but I think it all the time.

Alright, that's it for now. I love you.

Melissa

I went over to their house (Jamie and Wendy's) last night after work, and they were there with their boys (Rob and Pat, who just entered the picture recently, still a new thing, but Pat and Jamie will probably date), and I thought there would at least be someone else over, but nope, apparently no one they invited came, so I was definitely the 5th wheel. But it actually turned out okay. It was a really fun night. At first I felt kind of out of place, being the odd wheel, but they all just were so entertained by me, and I felt so loved and wanted. And after the boys went home I stayed and hung out for a while, and Jamie and Wendy were both saying just how fun I am, and how fun I am to have around. And that I liven things up when I come. That totally just makes my day and means the world to me. Especially when I felt like the odd one out. 
Then, Wendy fell asleep on the couch and Jamie and I were just on the bean bag sharing a blanket, talking and laughing for a while, and it is just so fun with her. I have never had a friend like her, never imagined I'd have a best friend like her. She is absolutely amazing and I love her so much. We have a very unique and special relationship, and I am SO so grateful for it. We are so close, there just aren't words to describe. And it kind of kills me that we are both supposed to still get married. Because, like I referred to in my email to her, we both told each other the other day that we really would be happy with each other for the rest of our lives. And we would, and it would be an amazing life together. And I don't mean that in a weird way at all. We're both very straight, but we're just so close. If one of us was a boy we'd get married, no doubt. And so it really does make it hard, to think of ever not being like this, of one or both of us dating someone seriously and getting married. I hope and pray it happens for both of us at the same time, but if it doesn't, as it seems like it might happen for her first right now, it will be hard. And we've discussed how the transition, for one or both of us, will be hard, it just will. We've talked about it a couple times at least. And it will, even if we both get married, leaving this part of our lives and not spending so much time together will be really hard. She is my best friend, my other half. We are so close, I can't even describe. I would give my life for her in a second, and I know she would do the same for me. We do so much for each other. I love her so much. And it's honestly hard to imagine being this close to anyone else ever, especially a guy. Both being girls, we understand each other so well, which I think is a lot of why we are so close.
Anyway, I could talk about Jamie and how much I love her all day, but I need to go to sleep. :)
Goodnight!

Andy: slow but good--old and new posts

11/7/13

Man, I need to write everyday.

Ok, so the update on Andy—

About a week and a half ago, Jamie and I got a group of friends together and we went to Frightmares, with the coupons we got at the State Fair, the night we met her Tinder Michael. I invited Andy, and he came, and it was a lot of fun! The whole night was way fun, with everyone that came, and I love Lagoon! We mostly all stayed together as a group, but at the end, when there was about an hour left, most wanted to go on the ride ____, but I didn’t because I knew it would make me sick, and Andy didn’t really want to either, I think for the same reason. Plus, I really wanted to go through at least one haunted house before we left, we were at Frightmares, after all. So Andy and I headed to one of the haunted house lines while everyone else went on some more rides. And it was fun. I didn’t necessarily really want to be alone with him, it had been so fun to just have him along with the whole group, to just hang out with him in that type of situation. No pressure, just fun. But while we were in line we just chatted, played some “line” games (totally wasted him in my favorite game, where you can only touch hands and try to knock each other over), and toward the end of our wait he hugged me. He really likes to hug me, and with good long hugs. Which normally are nice, in general, but I didn’t really want that with him, at that time. So I just made sure to make it short.:)

Anyway, I held on to him through the haunted house (I probably would have held on to whoever was next to me, right?), which I’m sure he loved, and with his other hand he was trying to keep my hand on his arm warm—probably trying to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t open my fingers..poor guy. J But as soon as we were out of the haunted house we parted, I totally let go. That was the end of Frightmares, because now it was 10 pm when it closed, so I looked at my phone and someone had texted me to just meet at the entrance now.

We all stopped at In-N-Out on the way home, got some food and shakes, and then headed back to Jamie and Wendy’s. We all (Jamie, Wendy was there, Mark, Tron, Andy, me) hung out down in their apt for a bit, and laughed and laughed and laughed. I think we were all so tired that we were SO loopy and were just cracking up at everything, it was hilarious! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Mark was losing it, he was telling so many funny stories, including his accidental "man date" with his roommate, that ended in them watching Twilight, haha!!! And how he through away all his Ambien pills, but the other night he was desperate, and remembered there were still some in the trash, and so he got one out!! He was squealing with his hand over his mouth, he was laughing so hard, it was so funny!
Eventually, I called it a night, I still had to go help Paul, and Andy left with me, he still had to drive home to Provo. So we went out, and long story short, we were hugging goodbye at his car, and after a couple long hugs, he kissed me! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN. I guess I gave up dodging the kiss, it's really hard to dodge a kiss when you are the same height! Haha..but seriously. But I only let it last about 5-10 seconds, because it's not what I wanted at that time. I wasn't ready to commit to him like that, and yeah, it was fun, and I kind of would have loved to keep kissing him, but it would have been just to kiss. I wasn't feeling that way toward him yet, I wasn't ready to be exclusive.
We hugged some more, chatted, hugged some more, about my family Halloween party the next day and what I was going to wear (my awesome Mario costume I got at Thriftown), and then parted and left. Andy texted me that night after he got home and said, "Hey I'm sorry. That wasn't fair and I know you weren't ready for that. I had a way good time with you and I should have just let you go with a hug."
I told him it was fine, with a smiley face, and thanked him for understanding.

12/6/13
So I wrote all that about a month ago, and here's the quick update: after not seeing him for almost a month, I started wanting to, so I asked him, via fb message, if he was still interested in ever going out again. He said yes so we went out that weekend, which was 2 weeks ago. He came up here, we grabbed dinnner at Zupas (my third time eating there that week), went to the Wilford Stake play "Fiddler on the Roof," and then stopped at Dan's on our way home so I could buy hot chocolate, which we made here at home, and watched Studio C videos online for about 2 hours. Ha! It was really fun though, he kept his cool all night, didn't try anything crazy, wasn't all over me like he has been in the past, just put his arm around me every now and then through the play, rubbed my back once when I was leaning forward (LOVED), and then at home he kept his arm around me while we watched Studio C videos, but kind of just casually, nothing crazy, with squeezing or anything, like it's been like before. And we just laughed and laughed and laughed, watching the videos, oh my, they are so funny. So it was really fun, really easy to be with him that night. And the hug goodbye was good, and he didn't try to kiss me or anything, which I was really grateful for. And he asked me when he could see me again, to which I said, "whenever," but he was going to Canada the next weekend for Thanksgiving. We chatted some over the next few days, my birthday was two days before Thanksgiving, which he didn't know until the day of, and I invited him up for dinner and/or dessert, but it was ironically his sister's birthday as well. So he didn't come, which I was more bummed about than I thought I would be. It was kind of surprising.
But then our communication was very minimal over the next (or the past) week and a half. He never asked about my birthday or how it went, asked a little about my Thanksgiving, but then wasn't initiating much conversation when I was asking him about his trip to Canada and such. So I stopped. So for almost a week we haven't talked, and I figured he had lost interest. But he actually just texted me today, so we'll see what happens.