Week 2=SO FUN!!

So the week ended really really well. We had an amazing company, they were all friends, they weren't clicky (sp?), the girls and I all got really close, our guys were great gentlemen and so sweet, I loved working with Weston, my co, and definitely had a big crush on him y the end of the week (still have:); it wasn't quite as hot this last week--still humid, but not as scorching hot; it didn't rain this week, my feet were in much better condition, I had sandals to wear,...so many great things about the week.

My personal drama with Breck turned out better than I felt at my last entry. Later in the week I found out (he told me) that he had been way tired at the beginning of the week, he had a bunch of hard and frustrating boys, he was in fact sick on Tues. (with diarrhea, poor guy), so those are probably some of the main reasons he was acting differently. I got over him on Wed., which is when I really started having a crush on Weston. We hung out together a lot on Wed., during classes and such, cuz we had some of the same duties during classes and what not. So we went to a couple classes together, and were on class duty outside right near each other once, so we talked and chatted and joked around a bunch that day, it was really fun! He's an awesome guy, and he goes to BYU as well, and lives in the Colony actually. So I'm excited he'll be in Provo in the Fall.

So then on Friday, at the dance, as my crush on Weston is in full swing (after he swing danced with me--SO FUN with him!--and also slow danced with me too..), I was just standing there by myself at one point, watching people and what not, and Breck came up to me and started talkimg to me. He brought up Mary, and how Kari thinks he likes her and I told him she's not the only one who thinks that. And I said that with kind of an accusatory/bitter tone. I didn't mean for it to come out like that, but it just did; I think because he had gotten my hopes up and then crushed me. But when I said that he said I know, and then looked at me and said I don't. I then looked at him with a questioning look, and he looked at me very seriously and again said, "I don't." I don't know what to think of it, I'm trying not to think anything of it, cuz I got crushed by him once already. But deep down I would really love to get to know him better. And he told me that he is planning on transferring to one of the schools in Provo, in January. So who knows what that could bring..

I gotta go to sleep, I'll try to add more tomorrow.

2nd week of EFY...I'm EXHAUSTED.

So the entry last night was supposed to be longer and more to it, but I was so dead last night from the day and lack of sleep, I kept falling asleep, so I just put my laptop away.

But this week is my second week of EFY, as a counselor, and it's going really well. I love my co, Weston, he is so great! Shannon (my roommate last week) was co's with him last week, and loved him, so I was excited when I found out we were co's. And we have the 16-18 year olds this week, so they are older and more mature than the younger ones, and our company is so great! I love my girls, they are so great, and so much more unified than my girls last week. None of them came with a friend, so they have all bonded pretty well so far, which makes me so happy. They are definitely more mature than my last girls, at least for the most part, which has been really nice and fun. I especially love Haylee, who is the most mature of the group, and she is so down to earth, and has found herself, and is very strong spiritually. She also reminds me a lot of Rachel, my cousin. I also really love Marissa, she's kind of the drama queen in our group, but so adorable and so hilarious.

Our guys are really great too, they are a lot more mature and respectful than some of the guys in my company last week. They are so great about escorting the girls, which impresses me greatly, I love it. We have 2 more guys than girls, so sometimes a boy will ask to escort me, it's sweet. I especially love Jon, he is such a sweet guy. He wanted me to teach him some other variety moves besides twirling, before the dance, it was cute. But all our guys this week are pretty great, they like me and say hi when they see me and everything. They make me feel so loved. :)

So back to the Breck situation--so it had/has been bothering me so much (the behavior change) that last night and today I've been praying about it, to know what to do. Today he was still acting a lot less energetic and friendly, and it was really bothering me. I kept wondering if it was me...cuz last week things seemed mutual, or so I trying not to get my hopes up for, and failing. And I became more interested in him than was safe, so I started, without trying to, acting like I didn't notince him, kind of ignored him when he was around, cuz I had such a crush on him. Doesn't make sense, I know, but it just happens. Sally and I decided it's a girl thing to do that. Kind of ironic. So this week I've been wondering if his change in behavior had anything to do with how I kind of blew him off on Sat. before leaving for the weekend. I didn't blow him off, I just didn't talk to him or anything. But, so I was wondering if it was cuz I did that on Sat. or whatever. But then it dawned on me today that maybe something was wrong with him, so the next time I got a chance to talk to him, which was as we were in line to go into Morningside, I said hi and asked if he was okay. He just looked at me and smiled a straight, closed smile. I asked him again, thinking he may not have heard me, and the same smile. so then I figured something was wrong, so then I was concerned about him the rest of the day.

Then tonight at the dance I finally got to ask him and he had actually been really sick with the runs all morning, poor guy. That made me feel better that I knew what had been wrong, but he still wasn't as friendly to me as he was last week, and I now feel kind of crushed, or rejected. I let myself like him too much too fast, and now I'm slightly hurt, cuz I feel like he is no longer interested. Maybe he never was, but he sure seemed like it. I was really impressed with him last week.

I just hate this rejected feeling, I've felt it so many times in my life, and in recent years I try not to let myself like a guy enough to get rejected when I almost always find out it's not mutual, or when nothing happens. I have such small confidence when it comes to being attractive to guys or being desirable, so to speak. I just feel like I'm not, that I'm still the awkward, ugly girl I was in like junior high, or what not. That's an exaggeration, but not by much. I just want to badly for a guy to like me back who I am very attracted to. I feel like it never happens and almost like it never will. And now that I'm okay with the dating exclusively and marriage idea (thanks to Steve, dating him got rid of those fears), that's hard for me.

And now I'm starting to have a little secret crush on Weston. He is so great, and so sweet. When we were all learning the Fox Trot at the dance, he immediately picked me as a partner, which meant more to me than he would probably ever believe. He was such a great partner, we had so much fun dancing together, and he is a good partner. We were spinning and doing different things. Then the rest of the night I was secretly just wanting to be around him, he felt like my home base.

I am a mess. And I am so exhausted, I don't know if I can even get up from the hall floor here in Suzana Hall.

Oh, ps, Jane Ann is my roommate this week, and we are having so much fun together, we have become such good friends already. She is the one dating Mat. And they are co's this week, which is funny. But I just love her. :)

Goodnight!

So last week turned out pretty good overall, it was really exhausting, hotter than heck, and frustrating at times (our kids), but it was a lot of fun. The funnest part, to be honest, was the socializing with other counselors. Shannon, my roommate, and I became really good friends, and it was so much fun to room with her and hang out with her at the dances and what not. Last week was her first week too, so we were both new, it was great. Also, having crushes on male counselors made things really fun and exciting, I won't deny that. :) I started the week with a crush on Adam McDonald (really tall and thin, red hair), one sort of on Brandon (THE returned missionary, as the youth called him--he had just returned from his mission the day before training on Sat., and I met him at training, and we became instant friends, he was really great, and all the girls had a crush on him :), but then had more of a crush on Breck by about half-way through the week. We kind of "met" and became friends at the dance on Tues. and loved saying hi through the rest of the week. We matched each other on Thurs (my skirt and his tie), and he was the one that came up to me and pointed that out...loved that! :):) But yeah, by the end of the week I was actually really attracted to Breck, and it seemed like it may have been mutual, but I was trying not to get my hopes up, and I wasn't doing very well...

But this week Breck has been a little bit different this week, more, like, distant. Not so friendly and chipper-like. I don't know why, but it's bothering me.

EFY Day 1

I have successfully survived my first day as an EFY counselor. I am completely exhausted. My legs are totally dead tired and just want to stretch out and be elevated, I have a blister starting on one of my right toes, I am so sticky from sweating more than profusely today, and I just want to crash in bed. But it was a really fun day! I really enjoy working with my co-, Mat, who goes by "M-A-T." This is his fourth year, and at the training meeting on Sat., he was one of my "potentials," but he is actually dating another counselor (and they have been for a year and a half), so that immediately knocked him off the list. But that's fine. I'm actually not so attracted to him as I thought I could be, so it's great. We work well together, and he seems to like me, or at least respect me and want to be unified, which I really appreciate. After my experience as a Y Group Leader for summer New Student Orientation (a few weeks ago, so fun!), with my partner, who was totally not on the same page as me and we didn't work together much, he was...interesting; but after that I am so grateful to have a partner who is much more on the same page and easy to work together with. Mat is great.

I also really enjoy this other counselor named Adam McDonald. He likes to pretend he is from Scotland, for his boys on the first day. We met last night at the counselor 4th of July celebration we had, while watching fireworks and having cake and watermelon and milk, and he's really cool. He's funny and nice, and we were also partners for the Orientation dance today. He tried to help me learn it too, it was nice. He's cool. I secretly hope we get to dance at the dances...hehe. :)

So my roommate is Shannon, and she is awesome. She's from Houston, I think, and we get along so well together, it's awesome. This is her first week ever too, so we are in the same boat, it's great. She's dating this guy, and they've been dating for 3 weeks only, but they like each other so much, it's so cute.

Quote of the day: on one of Shannon's girl's get-to-know-you sheets, on the question "Who do you most want to be like?" she put "Christ! Duh! :) I (heart) him!" Oh my goodness, so funny! Love it.

Tisah, Daniel, Joel, and now TEXAS!

I just arrived in Texas and am here at Peter and Lindsay's house in San Antonio. I feel like I was just here, which was actually about 8 months ago, almost exactly. My flights went pretty well, my first one left late and almost made me (and others connecting to that same flight) miss our connecting flight, but luckily there were enough of us that they waited. And the guy I sat next to on my 2nd flight (James) agreed to let me have a BOM sent to him, and said he would read it (he's read parts before) and pray about it! It felt so good to share the gospel again, I so miss it.

I have a lot to catch up on in here, but here's a summary of what's going on in my life:

Since school ended (SO glad to not be in school right now) I've mostly been working (at Courtyard at Jamestown), getting quite a few shifts, and playing with Tisah. :) Tisah Quarnberg is my best friend, I love her. We are both extremely single and have made a pack that if one starts dating someone, that someone better provide a brother or a roommate or a cousin, or someone for the other, because it just won't work out anymore for one to be dating someone while the other isn't. Though we will allow a 2 week window, but that's our max.

A couple weeks ago (June 20?) she and I road-tripped it up, in her car, to none other than Big Piney, Wyoming, to see Joel's (Elder Anderson) second homecoming. We surprised him, and he was SO surprised! It was so great! We left at just before 5 am (got up at 4:25) and made it to his 9 am ward up there (his old ward, now he lives in Lyman, WY) very on time, even early enough to finish putting on makeup, get dressed in the car, etc. The whole day was a blast, to hang out with Tisah all day and talk a ton, and to see Joel. It was so good.

That whole week Tisah and I did something together almost every day. We're practically dating. :) We went to the pool (across the street at Liberty Square:) one day, to a movie another, made dinner together and watched one on my laptop...what else.. I just love her, we have so much fun together. And we don't really have many other friends (or so we say:), so we just hang out with each other. :)

I have gone on 2 more dates with Daniel....y'know, I don't think I've written about him in here yet...hmm. Daniel Smith is this kid who was in my English class just this last semester (Spring) and I totally had a crush on him, and even weaseled my way into the same group as him for the group paper. It was so fun to work on with him, and I wanted him to get my number (we did exchange.."just in case," he said:) and to ask me out, which he did. Our first date we went hiking, and it was a lot of fun, we were able to talk the whole time really easily. Second date we met up at Spoon it Up, right by J-Dawgs south of campus, and got ice cream together, which was amazing. Then this last tues he took me to dinner at Applebees, which was really good, and then last night we went and saw Toy Story 3, which was hilarious. Loved it.

Now, four dates, that's kind of a lot. Do I like him? Now, I would lean more toward yes. It's not that I have ever not liked him, there's actually nothing about him I could say I don't like (well, except his name, I've never wanted to marry a Smith...). I just haven't been feeling it. And it dawned on me a couple nights ago, it's because he doesn't flirt a whole lot. He's funny, and sometimes he teases me, but not a whole lot of flirtation, which I now realize is important. And he hasn't been at all physical, which I appreciate in the beginning, but now that we know each other better and we've gone on a few dates, I was wanting something to happen last night, like for him to hold my hand, but I got nothin'. I'm most attracted to him when I'm with him. And last night he smelled SOO good, and I was loving it (such a turn on!). I was trying to help him out with the physical advancement, and I was leaning pretty good toward his chair, not trying to stay in my own space really, and at times our arms were touching, but then he would move, like he didn't want to be touching or something. It's weird. Now I think he's chicken. Either that or he hasn't wanted to do anything because he knew I was leaving for Texas for 5 weeks. But we are still side-hugging for crying out loud! Yes, we side-hugged again last night. But that's fine.

But he does smell really good. Mmmm. :)

Then there's Joel. I love him, I really do. This last Sat (a week ago) he actually came down from WY to hang out with me, so in the morning we went to our ward service project, then we (and a bunch of friends and aquaintances from the ward) floated the Provo River down the canyon, and then a bunch of us and he went to the Lehi Rodeo that night. It was so much fun to hang out with him and be around him. At the rodeo I was really wishing he didn't have to leave to drive back that night (he had to teach EQ at church the next morning), and I was dreading the time when he would have to leave. I just loved sitting next to him and being with him, it felt so good, and so right and comfortable. After we got back from the rodeo and he dropped Tisah, Keri (Zeller), and me off, they all left and he and I talked by his car for a bit and it was so great. I was totally wanting and willing to kiss him. We hugged a couple times goodbye, nothing else. But I walked in the door and Jen (my Korean roommate, love her:) talked to me about Joel for a while and I just told her how much I loved him, and it was just the major height difference that was my obstacle. He is 5'2'', if I have never mentioned that. Yes, very short. But he's amazing and we have such a unique and strong emotional bond, a relationship unlike I've had with anyone else. We can talk for hours on the phone, and we do talk almost every night.

Jen, surprisingly (she is inactive and has been for 2+ years), suggested that I need to fast and pray about him to know if I should really pursue him like that or not. I agreed with her, so I started praying about him that night, and I asked Heavenly Father to help me to know if I should pursue him romantically or what not. Then on Sunday, for some reason, my feelings for him totally changed. Well, not totally, I still love him a ton, but those romantic feelings weren't there anymore. It was really strange, it was a huge change, basically overnight. And I didn't know what did it really. Later I realized maybe it was Heavenly Father answering my prayer. I don't know. But I also realized that I think I stopped feeling romantic toward him because I realized that Joel is still finding himself. And I love him more as a friend than I could describe, we are so close, and I would do anything for him. But I need someone who already has that confidence and surety in himself and that life experience, of just time.

The hard thing is that I think he is in love with me. I know he loves me and would literally do anything for me. But I think that there is more. Part of me thinks that he would ask me to marry him if he thought I'd say yes. And it's hard for me because I love talking to him, I love being with him. And I'm not totally ruling out the possibility of us, but it would need to be a ways down the road, after he has more found himself. And I'm not saying it's bad that he still is, and I try to help him all the time realize how great he is and stuff, but I just really would like to marry a guy who already has found that. But the great thing is that Joel has come so far, since the mission. He used to be so hurt by short jokes. And the other night he was crackin' some way funny short jokes to me about himself, I was dying! It was hilarious, and it made me so happy and proud.

But he does know I've gone on multiple dates with Daniel, that came out on Tues, when we were texting and I had to go cuz Daniel was going to be here soon, and I didn't want to just stop texting Joel. Later that night we were texting and Joel was asking more about Daniel and what not, and I got the feeling it was hard for him to hear I was going on dates with someone else, but since then he seems more fine. And I'm glad he knows, it makes things between us more..comfortable, casual? I dunno. But I'm just glad he knows. I want him to be looking for other girls too.

Anyway, this is really long and it's now almost 1 am here in TX. Tomorrow I have training for my first week of EFY, and I'm so excited about it all. Partly cuz I got new pants and new shoes and a new hair cut and I feel pretty cute. :) Ha. I'm way excited to be a counselor though.

Goodnight!