Scott, the PT

Real quick, cause I have to go to bed, I had the greatest thing happen today at the end of work this morning! I've had this little crush on a physical therapist that works on our floor. He is so attractive, seems really nice, is kind of quiet, and really buff. Oh, and he wears great shoes! Nikes. I've looked him up in the past, like earlier this year, when I started noticing him more, and he does seem to be single, at least then, but doesn't seem LDS. Looks like a nice guy though still, even on FB. But I've still always thought he was cute.
So I worked last night, and before I went to work yesterday I prayed that I'd get the chance to say hi to him and re-learn his name. I see him and feel so awkward because I never say hi and I can't remember his name, so I've wanted to relearn it so I could so we could at least have a friendly relationship at work.
And once again, Heavenly Father came through! He got to our floor toward the end of my shift, as we were giving report and such, and he is just so good looking. I just sat there and gazed at him and his buff arms from my computer to where he was sitting at another one. He walked by me once while I was talking to another nurse, giving additional report about a patient, but didn't look at him.
Then, as I was heading to the break room to clock out and clean my stuff and head out, around the corner he walked (I knew he was nearby, but that was a pleasant surprise), and we made eye contact and I was smiling and said hey! He said hey back.
Then when I got to the breakroom I realized my stethoscope was still hanging outside room 14 where I left it (MRSA precautions room) so I walked out to get it, and he was standing right in front of the door, where my orange stethoscope was hanging on the hand sanitizer. I walked up behind him, he turned around and saw me, I was like, "Sorry, I just need this" and grabbed it, and he was like oh you're fine or something, and then in an instant, in my head, I was like, this is your chance! So as I walked away I said, "Remind me your name?" And he said, "Scott. And you are.." and he seemed to be legitimately trying to remember my name, and I told him, and then smiled and walked away.
HE WANTED TO KNOW MY NAME!!!!!!!!!!! I'm still a little giddy about it, but I was ALL smiles after that! I was so stoked!!! I walked into the breakroom and did a silent fist pump in front of me. He wanted to know my name!!!! I felt like if he didn't really care who I was or have any interest, he wouldn't have asked for it, right? Or maybe he really is just that nice, or maybe his mom taught him when someone asks for your name, always ask for theirs, because that's polite. But he seems kind of shy, so.. I don't know, but for now I'm just going with that he wanted to know my name and I'm psyched about it!! The bummer is that even if he actually and miraculously IS interested in me, and he actually ever did something about it, he's not LDS, pretty sure. So...there's that. But it's just REALLY NICE to even feel like it's possible that an attractive guy might think I'm attractive and/or be interested in me! It's just been a really long time, it feels like.
Makes me a little more excited to go to work tomorrow...
And he proabably won't even be there. Ha.

But moral of the story: prayers are answered, people!! :)

Tri-Stake Temple Night

So every second thursday of each month we have a tri-stake temple night at the SL temple, with a 7 pm chapel session and then all ordinances after, with refreshments in the cafeteria following, that anyone can go to. It's cool because it's all YSA, and the chapel session is usually pretty full. The session is always packed, and performed by YSA (or close to) temple workers, which is fun. The temple stays open late these nights, just for us.
So this last Thurs (today is Sunday) we had one, and at the last one, as Jamie and I sat in the cafeteria at a table, chatting to this guy who later got her number, there was this other guy who walked in and got some refreshments. I noticed him, he was cute, but reminded me of Sean Rutschke. Remember him? My BYU freshman year best guy friend/guy who I wanted to marry but who got married on my mission and whose child I later babysat a couple times? Anyway, this kid reminded me of him, and I wanted to talk to him, which I could have gotten up to "get more refreshments" but didn't, and he ended up sitting somewhere else, and I never talked to him. I was really hoping he'd be at the next one.
And he was! But let me start at the beginning of the night. It was a pretty good night! Jamie was not with me that night, she went to the BYU young professionals social networking thing that she and I went to last year and met that Matt guy, nice guy, but nothing happened between them. Anyway, she wanted to get to know better Lant Webb who would be there, which was great. I was actually happy to go solo. Although Erin Burns came with me, she was the only one who met to carpool. She's funny, happy to talk all about herself and answer all my questions I could think of about her life as we drove, but never once asked anything about me. Ha.
But I was to say the opening prayer in the chapel session, filling in for someone who was sick. Emily Thatcher had texted me earlier that day and asked me. So I sat up close, told Pres. Featherstone I would be filling in, and he told me he knew my name. That was cool. I really love him, he's an amazing Stake Pres., and I love listening to him speak..
Sat by Liz, and then Stacey Balfour too, and I don't know what's going on with Liz, I feel like I've offended her or something, she just doesn't seem to be able to just talk to me and be real, she's always just being goofy or laughing stuff off. It's getting obnoxious. I'm her friend and visiting teacher, but I feel like she doesn't like me so much anymore or something. But I was happy to be otherwise by myself.
But I saw so many friends that night, it was so fun! While sitting in the chapel session and people were coming in, saw Anneli Hansen (BYU ward, now she lives up here, going to nursing school), Haley Elmer from my misison!, McKell Dalton that I met at that conference earlier this year; later I saw Calli Whipperman from high school (haven't seen her since I don't think!) as we were walking into the Creation Room for the session. She and her parents were standing in the hall, had just done sealings. It was so good to see her! And I was grateful for the excuse to get out of line/order from being next to Liz and Stacey (they basically dragged me into line with them, when I was fine to be by myself), but then they had saved me a seat anyway. Ha. But I chatted with Calli for a min, and found out she is getting a divorce. :/ So that was sad to hear, she said it's a really good thing, but it's still sad to me, and kind of just made me think..
So anyway, good session, I serendipitously (?) got separated from Liz half way through when we didn't fit on the same row. I was grateful, not gonna lie. I just wanted to be by myself. But I think it was actually maybe the third time ever that I've stayed awake during the whole session! Ha!
So to the cafeteria. I was actually hoping the guy we had seen at the random and awkward stake dance last week would be there, and I think he maybe was in the session, I finally spotted him at the end of the session, and saw him in the Celestial Room, but never after. But in the cafeteria, the guy that I saw last time was there! I made an effort to make eye contact with him, and smiled, I thought he would come over to our table and sit with us (Stacey, Cindy, and me), but he didn't. Then he left a little later. Oh, well, I thought. But then, as Erin and I walked outside, there he was standing at the corner waiting for the light to cross the street! This was my chance! I quickly thought, Heavenly Father is blessing me with this chance, I had wanted it, and He was giving it to me, so I had better take advantage. As we approached the corner to wait behind him and this other guy standing next to him, he looked back, almost like (I maybe was flattering myself) he was interested in talking to me, which probably wasn't true, but that gave me a little encouragement anyway, and I touched his shoulder and asked him if he was related to a Sean Rutschke (yep, that was my technique). He wasn't, of course, but then I asked his name (Cody, I think) and he asked mine, we shook hands as we crossed the street, and chatted on the way to the parking garage. Turns out he just graduated college and is a CNA up at Huntsman, and I told him I just work there at the U. We chatted about that, he told me he's going to med school next year though, which is cool. When we got to his level of parking, he left and we said bye. I was bummed that that was it, that he didn't ask for my number or anything, and was at first hoping I'd maybe see him at the next one or something. But the more I thought about it, the more I remembered that I really am not dying to start the med school road with someone right now. I mean, if it was right, I'd do it, of course. And I used to be totally for it. But I'm about to turn 29, and that's just a loooong road, haha. Sally and Joe just got done with that road a couple years ago, and it was looong. So I feel like it was actually a blessing and just fine if we never date. Ha. Dodge that bullet.
But I was so grateful that I got to meet him! Felt like that was definitely an answer to prayer. And now I can just cross him right off my list and stop wondering about him. Heavenly Father is so great.:)

It's November! Crazy! NCOSE conference, Taiwan, and now I'm in Texas!

So many things have happened since I last wrote--not like I met an amazing guy and am getting married or anything, but in Sept I went to this amazing conference in Florida that was pretty life changing; in October I made it out of the country for the first time and went to Taiwan! Crazy!! Was gone for twelve days, which I thought would be hard, but it was amazing! Was glad to come back when we did, but it was such a cool experience, we did and saw some pretty cool stuff! Then about a week and a half later, I flew to Texas to visit the peeps down here (still here). So needless to say, I haven't worked or been home a ton in the last month, but it's been so great to get a good break and do some cool stuff and visit family.

The conference was incredible. It was called the Coalition to End Sexual Explotation (CESE), held by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), a conference on sexual exploitation and greatly on pornography. It was just what I needed at that time in so many ways. It was so amazing and refreshing to be around other people, SO MANY other people, who are also so passionate about these issues. Ah, there aren't words for how great it was! I told my new friends, I felt like I had found my people. :) It was also incredible to be amidst and meet and hear speak so many inspiring people and leaders who are actively fighting the fight. And so motivating. There is a lot of crap out there going on, but I also learned that there is also more good happening, and more active and successful fighting going on against it than I ever realized, and that was super encouraging.
Here's a text I sent to Jamie on the second? day I was there, in response to her asking how Texas was treating me or something: Hey! Sorry, been a busy day! But thanks! Yeah, things are going great, the people and organizations involved in this movement are incredible, I am so grateful to be here. And Florida is great! As long as you stay inside..haha. It's freaking hot here!! Soo humid.. But great otherwise! The hotel is across the street from Sea World, so that's fun..

One thing that was so nice about going was that I just needed a break. Mostly from work and the environment and people I work with, but also just from people in my life, I guess. At work I had become frustrated with a couple nurses I work with and don't like being around them. One in particular is easy to banter with, but he can take it too far, in my opinion, and become too sarcastic and even rude. Lately I've been more sarcastic with him than I like being, and I don't like being like that. He brings it out in me, but it's still my actions and my behavior. But it was SO nice being in Florida and around so many great people, all very kind and sincere. So refreshing, and it was also just what I needed to remind me the kind of person I want to be like. I want to be more sincere in my conversation. Less sarcastic. The conference was full of good, Christian people, who were so uplifting just to be around. I loved every minute of it. And I made some new really great friends! The five or so girls I ended up working with were all really neat, only one LDS. But really good, nice girls. Erin and I became good little friends in those few days, and she's only like 23 or something. Maybe younger (I'm 28). But a very mature person, I loved our little friendship that developed. The guys we worked with were really impressive too, the AV guys, especially the main guy, whose name escapes me, but I was so impressed with his maturity.
Anyway, an incredible experience, and it made me want to live out in DC, just to be around these people more and be able to be involved with NCOSE more closely. But wherever the conference is next year, I'm planning on being there.
And PS, Dawn Hawkins, the executive director over NCOSE, and who Sally miraculously got me in touch with (I went due to a series of divine interventions, basically), is an AMAZING woman. Wow.

3rd date with Brian U.

So he came and got me at 4 pm, and we headed to Provo. We were going to the BYU vs U women's soccer game, and when we got down there to buy tickets before doing anything else, they only had general admission seats left, and standing room only they said, but we got them anyway, and went to get some dinner. Went to J-Dawgs, met up with a friend of Brian's there, who was actually one of his EFY kids years ago (the kid is 25 now, and I asked Brian if that makes him feel old, and he was like yeah..haha), then went back to the field to the game. Great game! BYU won 2-0, and we did end up standing all but the last 10 min, but it was still fun! My mission friend, Haley Elmer, has two sisters that play for the U, and they are so good! Their dad was there, and I saw him and said hi and introduced myself. I recognize him from FB pics, haha. Haley wasn't there though, I texted her.

Anyway, after the game we went to the Creamery for ice cream, of course. And Heritage is completely non-existent! It's crazy how different things are down there! The dorms don't even look like BYU anymore, it's crazy! The buildings are so tall and nice-looking! Creamery's still the same though.:)

Then we went to the dollar theater down there, Movies 8, and saw Cokeville Miracle, and it was SO good. Such an incredible true story. I totally cried at the end, it was a very moving ending! I thought he was crying too, which made me feel better, haha, but after he said he was surprised that he didn't. Heartless... haha, jk.

Then we drove back to SLC.

It was a fun night, with some positives and some negatives. Positives: on second look at his hands, his hands are actually fine. I like them. So that was nice to cross off my negatives list. And speaking of hands, can I just say I love the watch he's always wearing?? He wears this cool white sports watch, I love it! Also on the positives, I feel myself finding him a little more attractive. He almost always opens the car door for me, always opens building doors for me, and I just felt watched out for in little ways, like when we were walking back to the car after the game, and he pulled me by my purse strap out of the road. I thought it was cute. Also, his shoes. Dang, they were great. So far he is three for three on good shoes! He was wearing these awesome white and multicolored nikes, they were rad! I commented on them, of course. So at least he's got the good and attractive footwear down.

For the negatives, there were two. First, he was not in fact wearing any cologne. Again. FAIL. So disappointing. If only guys knew what a difference that makes! And while I haven't smelled any cologne ever, I also haven't smelled any stink on him ever either, so at least he doesn't stink. And then the other thing is that besides that first date we went on, the movie at the park, where he was so uberly impressive in every way, including asking me about me and being great at conversation, he really doesn't ask me about me. We mostly talk about him. I know all about his multiple jobs, some past and then present ones, but he's never really asked me much about my work. And I love my job, it's so much of who I am and what I do. I love to talk about it, if someone wants to know. But yeah, I try to ask him more get to know you questions, and sometimes he'll ask me them back, but he's just not been great at getting to know me specifically. I don't love that. Oh, and then the other thing is sense of humor. I'm not sure we have the same sense of humor. Which is a major bummer, because that's a big deal to me. We don't laugh together a ton. And in general, I like to laugh a LOT. Life is funny, if you can't laugh about it, it's just not as fun. Or you cry instead. Ha. But yeah, so still some getting to know each other, but he seems to like being with me, and I like being with hiim, so we'll see. Slowly.

And no, he didn't put any moves on me, at the movie or anytime. I didn't want to kiss him last night, partly because I have a strict no kissing on the first three dates rule, but also I don't want that yet. But I would have welcomed any hand holding at the movie, and I thought he maybe wanted to, from where his hand was positioned at times, but never happened. Which is totally fine. I'm all about moving slow, I think it's the best, most natural way for a relationship to progress, and yields the best results in the end. And I'm a little annoyed that he doesn't seem to want to know more about me right now. So it's good nothing happened.

Anyway, got to get ready for work! Also, best part of this day, the AMAZING WIN BYU JUST PULLED OFF AGAINST NEBRASKA!!! It was crazy!! 1 second left and they made this incredible touch down...amazing!!!!!

Can't sleep

I was so tired earlier..especially at Institute tonight, I was so excited to go to bed, and now my mind has been racing, and I can't get my body to feel sleepy..these nights make me crazy. Especially when I was SO sleepy earlier..

I've been thinking a lot about Andy tonight, and the last few days. Yes, that Andy, Andy Heaton, who I dated off and on for like 6 months or something.. I've been missing him and thinking a lot about him suddenly, to the point where I've wondered if there is a significant reason why. Like maybe I'm going to hear from him soon or something, or maybe he's thinking of me..? I don't know. But I will say, I do miss him, and I would actually love to date him again. I would love to give us another chance. My only real thing with him is his height (and how hard he kissed me, how he kind of sucked my lips a little harder than I liked and they would get all puffy and red and I was embarrassed, haha..but I figure we could work on that..). But other than that, I think he's pretty attractive, and some things I've recently realized that I kind of took for granted with him and that were major positives were that he always smelled so good (this is huge, and so desirable), and he was so fun to talk to! He thought I was funny, I thought he was, he was so fun to text with and joke with, especially like when we were kissing. I could really make him laugh then. Haha. I miss that. I also loved his hands. I LOVED those hands. I look at guys hands, and he had nice, manyly, but soft hands. And nice fingernails. I don't know why that's a thing for me, but it is. Teeth, shoes, and hands. But in contrast, this Brian guy seems like a great guy still, we went out for the second time the other night, I think I wrote about it, but I just don't know how physically attracted I am, and he hasn't smelled good yet. That may seem small, but I really like a guy that smells good. It's kind of a big deal. And I know that's something you can change, so it's not a deal breaker, but any guy is significantly more attractive when he smells good, regardless of what he looks like. Just sayin. And I'm not sure about Brian's teeth, I think they're pretty good..hard to tell, I haven't seen them much yet. And his hands are..fine.. I just really liked Andy's. Aa, why am I thinking so much about him?? It's still pointless, right? I mean, I was over him for a while, never thought about him like this. Why now? And why so much? Like he's an option...

I've also suddenly been thinking about Dylan tonight, as I lay awake here. I miss that sweet boy. I was even completely in tears, thinking about his funeral, and Rosanna, and how she must just ache all the time for him. I don't know how she does it. I wish we had him here still. I was thinking about our Texas beach family vacation a few years ago, and cute Dylan hanging out of the circular holes in the stairway wall with his yellow blankie. So cute.

But anyway, Andy. Yeah. I just..I would love it if he was thinking about me. And I would love to see him. I would love to be with him again, and date him. I feel like things could possibly really work out. But I don't feel like I'm supposed to message him or anything. 

I would love to see him. I even, a few days ago when I first started thinking about him a lot, I even felt this giddiness about him, like I was going to see him, it was weird. Definitely haven't seen him, and I'm pretty sure he's not in Utah, but....that would be awesome. If I suddenly got a text or a call from him saying he was in Utah and could he see me. I would love that.

Alright, I'm getting tired again. Back to bed it is.

Great day with Rosanna, volleyball is started again!, and this new Brian Uz..

Today I went to the temple with Rosanna. The 10 am session that we went for was too full, so we left and came back for the 11 am session, and just stayed in the car and chatted, about my issues with Eric (who I've kind of been trying to get rid of), and about the kids starting school and that they like it, etc. And about Dylan, and how he's not here to start school, and how that's hard.
The session was good, they played my least favorite of the new movies, but it's still pretty good, and I had trouble staying awake, as always. But really good to be there with Rosanna. Then after, we stayed in the Celestial room for a while, while she cried. I felt so bad, I really have no idea what she's going through. All I could do was put my arm around her and get her more tissues. She's amazing, for still functioning and putting on a good face amidst this trial. She misses him so much.

Then we went and got lunch at Zupas (love that place), and then we went back to their house and she showed me all their pictures from their recent trip to Jamaica that she had just told me about over Zupas. It was so fun to see and hear about their trip! I think they really needed it and had a great time.

The kids got home from school and I stayed another half hour or so and hung out and heard all about the new school and how they ALL like it (yay! Last year was rough for all of them at APA, well Megan mostly, and Rachel for all three days she attended it before Rosanna pulled her and home schooled her). So happy that they are all liking school!

Tonight was the first night of our new volleyball season! We played two teams, and only won 1 set of all 4. But it was still really fun! Got to catch up with Camille, she was right next to me when Mom texted me about how she got the job today and her $11,000 a year pay increase, so that was way exciting! It was legitimately good to see Jamie, and I was hoping to catch up with her more, but she left after while I was chatting with Camille. And based on her texts tonight, it seemed like she was a little almost offended, maybe, by that. And I was going to help Jamie with some math, that she is tutoring a little girl with. But it didn't happen, darn it.

And this new Brian Uz.. that I hung out with for the first time last week, we were going to do something tonight after his softball game and my volleyball games, but mine went later than planned, and it was almost 10 by the time we were done and Camille and I stopped chatting, so I called him and suggested maybe we do something another night. So we're going to try for tomorrow, depending on his softball game schedule tomorrow. But just quick, he's basically the most cool, impressive guy I've probably ever been out with. Not a lot to look at at first, I"m hoping that comes, because he sure knows how to treat a girl, and really has his act together, and is mature and totally solid in the Church. These guys DO exist! So we'll see how things go. But I definitely want to keep getting to know him, because just based on the other night with him, and the fact that he calls me, doesn't just text, I've been super impressed with him already.

Updates on life--life is good! I feel so led, and so grateful for that.

Sooo...lots to update on since my last post! But just quick---life is really great right now! Amazing how there are such highs and lows in life. But I feel like my life is being very guided by the Spirit right now, and I'm so grateful! But some quick updates:

Not going to London. Changed my mind, and after much thought and prayer and fasting on the matter, and being prompted to talk to Sally and then Mom about it, I decided to go ahead and go to Taiwan with Rob and Meg. So I'm going! And since I'm going, Jamie is going too. But that's fine. I'm really excited to go! It'll be a cool adventure. And the plan is to go to London in the spring. And my friend, Shawna at work (also in my ward, but I see her at work way more than at church stuff), might go with me (and whoever else), but I think that would be so fun! She's pretty chill and mature, and likes adventures like that.

Haven't moved out yet. Still want to, and I looked into those apartments, Highland Point apartments, online, and I feel really good about them, and want to live in the three-person set up, because of the price, so I just need to find a couple girls I would want to live with. I don't really want to just move in with random girls. I already don't really want to have roommates again most of the time, and I don't want to just be the new girl. I'm hoping Cheryl and I might really be able to live together. She is in fact going to get a divorce. She asked Kyle for one the other day. It's got to be so rough. I totally support her though. I'm all about making a marriage last, but she has done pretty much everything and more to try to make it work, and it sounds like he hasn't put in anywhere near the effort she has to be a good spouse. She deserves someone so great, someone she feels comfortable bringing children into the world with.

Due to a series of prompting and spiritual experiences of sorts, I've decided to attend a conference in Sept, called the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation Summit 2015. I feel like I'm supposed to go. It's in Florida, so that's fun. I'm super excited about it! Mostly because I've felt so guided into deciding to go. And part of it all is that with Sally's help, I've been able to get in touch with the organization's executive director, Dawn Hawkins, who I get emails from frequently (I'm on their email list) about the fight to end sexual exploitation, so to me she's this famous person, and now I've been emailing her, and she waived my registration fee, and has offered to pay for my hotel for any extra nights to come early and help, and it's all happened so fast, it's kind of crazy! But cool. I'm really excited to be more involved in this fight that's happening and needs to happen. I hate the sexual exploitation that is so common and rampant in the world, in so many ugly forms.

I'm planning my trip to Texas! It'll be the end of Oct-beginning of Nov. And I'm going to go for almost 2 weeks! Whoa, why?? Because I can. :) I miss those kids so much! Especially little Keelan. I'm excited!

My job is great, love my job. I worked last night and double floated, which usually isn't desirable, but it actually turned out great. I was on AIM-B and then SSTU, both floors were a first for my to float to. I only had 4 patients on both, which was fantastic (usually have 5 at night on AIM-A), and my patients were great, some even fun to talk to, the other nurses I worked with were good and friendly, I learned some good things, and I even got to run into Jared from Plastics! He's a plastic surgery resident who I've met a couple times, and he is so attractive. Blue scrubs, classy dress shoes (which is funny, but he pulls off the look very well), square framed glasses..I've naturally looked him up, after the first couple times I met him and he was working with a patient of mine for a couple days, and he is LDS and single, as far as I can tell. So that was fun to run into him again last night. Nothing really happened, haha, except he stood pretty close to me at one point in a patient's room, and he smelled really good. But just being around him like that made me kind of giddy the rest of the night, haha (that was around 2 or 3 am). And as far as floating, it was actually really nice and refreshing to be off my floor and be around other nurses and just do my own thing. It was the most comfortable and confident I've ever felt floating, which was fun. And I love my floor and the people I work with and being comfortable there, but everyone else I worked with last night were really nice and friendly too, and I don't know, it was just kind of fun and refreshing, I think partly to be somewhere new, and still feel competent and even fairly comfortable, and like I knew what I was doing. And it was nice to float to two places I hadn't floated to, although maybe I have to SSTU..it seemed more familiar than I was thinking.. but I'm happy to be comfortable and familiar with two more units now, makes floating in the future less scary and dreadful. :)
And just for memory sake, the patients I enjoyed the most were that LDS guy who has that random infection in his L elbow, who is from Provo, now they live in Wyoming and love it, and who coached Brandon Davies and other BYU bball stars in high school, and he and his wife are both really cool people, both teach school up in Wyoming. They were fun to chat with, and to see their good relationship.
Then my pt on SSTU who has the congenital condition with short legs and his suprapubic catheter and such, who is turning 50 next month and never been married, and lives with his parents. He asked about me and I was like, I'm actually in the same boat as you! Haha, never been married, and live with my parents. :) But he didn't get all weird or creepy and try to hit on me after that, like some patients have and would, so that was nice and appreciated.

Oh, and there's this guy, Brian, who visited his friend, Mark, down in Sally and Peter's ward recently, who Sally and Joe met, who I then met at our tri-stake temple night the other night, and who added me on FB the next day, and who Audrey Stanger texted me today to tell me she has a friend who is asking her for my number and could she give it to them, and turns out it's this Brian guy. Initially when I met him I was not really interested at all, but after the good things she had to say about him and looking him up on FB the other day, I feel like he could be one of those guys that surprises, in a good way. So that's something fun to hope for :) We'll see if he calls. I'm already impressed that he wanted my actual number, when he could have easily contacted me via FB. I'll be even more impressed if he actually calls, and doesn't just text me. That's a rare man these days.

Gotta go to bed!

Things are so much better. And a great day today.

So a couple days later Sally called again and we talked again, and she felt bad about how she reacted, and I was able to explain why I was so frustrated by her response and what it sounded like to me, and I also got to just vent about pretty much everything then too, she was a great listener and in a better mood herself, which helped. And we ended up talking for quite a while, and it was really great. We basically caught up, and it was really good to chat. She helped me feel good about not going to Taiwan, and actually got me seriously thinking about going to London instead. There were reasons why I was definitely not going to do London yet still, but I got thinking about it, and I've been feeling good about going, actually, and excited. I'm currently trying to get either Camille or Rosanna to come with me, but Jamie might come too. I broke the news to her tonight that I'm pretty much decided against Taiwan, and I think that's where I will go instead. She sounded more excited about that. Which I may or may not have been excited about myself. Tonight we tried to go to a movie, not because I wanted to, I was SO tired (because of my baby spider fiasco last night in my room and sleeping in the couch for not very many hours because of it), but I felt like she needed some time from me. The movie was sold out, which was fine, so we just chatted in her driveway in my car for a while. And it was good to catch up, it always is, but I just still don't love being with her tons anymore. I wish that wasn't the case. But it is. So I was hesitant to even tell her about my London plan (as long as Peggy and Evan are there then, which I'm still waiting to hear back about), but I told her anyway, so oh well now. But I did tell her that one of my sisters might come, so we'll see what happens. But I've also kind of decided that I'm going regardless of who comes and doesn't come, and it will be great either way.
So yeah, after talking things totally out with Sally, and making things right with her, I felt so much better about everything, and better in general. I've realized that I really just need to vent and talk things out, and then I'm fine. Maybe with some time in there as well. And also, I think not having things right with anyone in my family really affects me, I've also realized/decided. So now, since I've had good conversations now with my parents, Camille, Rosanna, and now Sally, and I feel like they all really know this is hard for me and legitimately care and have let me vent, I feel very cared about and I can move on. But whatever it is, I feel so much happier, happy again in general, and I'm so grateful for that. I hate being sad and bummed. And I've hung out with Camille and the kids yesterday and today, and it's been really fun. Fun to be with the kids, and fun to chat and catch up with Camille and talk to her about some of these things, like the London thing. She was the one that suggested she come, which I was totally on board with, I think it would be so fun, but she didn't know if Jake would let her. Which he already said no. But it was fun to hope for for a day..:)

But today was fun--hiked a short but fun hike (Lisa Falls, up Little Cottonwood Canyon) with Camille and the kids (her four boys + Simon and Rachel who are staying with them while Rosanna and Megan are at camp), then met up with Cheryl, my old roommate and one of my life best friends, for lunch at Zupas (of course, I love that place), which was SO so good. We stayed there and chatted for 3 hours, and it was amazing to see her again and still be so comfortable and be able to talk about everything that's been and is hard for us right now. Her marriage could soon be coming to an end, after 5 years, which is sad, but she has certainly given it her all to try to save. Kyle just isn't really doing his part, it sounds. He's still got some stuff to work through and figure out.
So that was so good to see her, and she lives here now, which I love (she was in Maryland for 4 years), so hopefully we get together more. I basically asked her if she wanted to live together, and she would (oh man, that would be a dream, just me and her, I would love that so much), but if she really does get divorced, it probably won't go through til around December. So she couldn't live with me til then. But she wanted to too. It would be so great. So great.
And then I went shopping at DownEast for a bit right there in Sugarhouse, and got some much searched-for shorts and capris, found some great finds. It's so hard to find shorts that fit me well and that I like. So that was fun.
Then home, had dinner, then the couple hours with Jamie.

I've been really thinking about moving, I feel like I need to, and I've been thinking more and more about it the past few days. Camille suggested this apt complex kind of by them, but by the 215 freeway on Highland, which would be closer to them and fun, and right by the freeway that I could hop on and get to work easy. So I've been thinking more about that today, and I feel kind of excited about the idea. So we'll see what I can find there.

So many frustrations, I just want to get out of here so bad

So many thoughts and not enough time..I need to go to bed, I work in the morning..but I need to get a few things out.
I'm still struggling with life. Feeling better than I was a few days or a week ago. Things are better here at home, but still wish Mom and Dad would ask me about things, like to tell them what's on my mind. There's so much on my mind and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Sally and I were texting a little yesterday (Sunday), and I mentioned the weekend was hard, so she was going to call me last night, but then I was at work, so she told me to call her after work this morning if I felt like it, which I did. I was actually really looking forward to talking to her, and having a good listening ear and soundboard that I could talk to about all these things on my mind: the dating/being alone frustration and struggle, the thoughts I've been having about WHY I've been feeling this way and what has possibly led up to it, the Jamie frustration and dilemma, wanting to move but not sure where or when, the Taiwan option, coming down to Texas for a good stay in Oct., etc. And after we talked all about the Davidson reunion she just recovered from down there, she asked why the weekend was hard, and I started telling her about my frustrations and struggles with being alone right now, and how being with the family for the baptism and such this weekend just made it harder, and that I am so tired of being alone, etc, and I started crying, of course. And she listened for a few minutes as I vented and explained, and then as soon as I kind of stopped for a minute, she immediately started into asking if I've been taking care of myself. Have I been eating? Exercising? Getting sleep? I was so irritated by that. And then she suggested that maybe I have some depression, that it sounds like depression.
And I know that could be a possibility, but that is NOT what I needed to hear right then. Why does me being sad about things automatically mean I'm not doing something I should be? Maybe this trial is something that is legitimately hard to deal with..! I'm so frustrated about this. What happened to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort..? After she told me all about her frustrations with the reunion, I didn't immediately say, well maybe if you had been getting more sleep and exercising.. I just need a listening ear and some sympathy! That's all I want right now. I don't need anyone to fix me, I'm so sick of that. And I think one of the hardest parts of this conversation was that I was so hoping and planning that it would be such a needed conversation, and one that I felt so much better after. She was going to be my safe place, my sanctuary. And it definitely didn't turn out that way.
I've decided it's next to impossible to get someone who is married to understand what it's like, and how hard it sometimes is, to be this age and still single. And I feel like I need to lower my expectations and stop hoping someone in my family will try to understand me. Dad has done the best at this, surprisingly. And I've been very grateful. I feel like he's been my main ally through this recently. But even tonight, he asked me how I am, and I said okay, and that's about where we left that. And mom asked me if I was feeling better tonight, and I said..yes and no...and that's where that stopped too. I feel like Mom just wants me to be better, to be fixed. And she's not really sure what to do if I'm still not. Ask me HOW I'm doing! Ask me what's on my mind! I so wish someone would! Because like I've told them before and especially recently, I just want to be listened to, and I won't talk if I'm not asked, because I feel like no one cares enough to listen then.
I'm just so frustrated. And maybe I do have too high of expectations. Maybe I'm hoping for too much, wanting someone in my family to be what I need. But I don't know what else to do, who else to talk to. In Camille's defense, she's been better than some, but she's so busy with her kids.
I just wish I had someone to talk to. There's Jamie, but she always slightly irritates me. And we still talk sometimes, we talked a lot about dating and these frustrations we both have and about our life situations for a while yesterday during and after church, and that was nice, but other than that, I just don't have a lot of desire to talk to her or be with her a ton. She thinks it's because I just want to do my own thing right now. Which is partly true. But it's true because there's no one I really want to do anything WITH.
I've kind of decided too that I think I just need to start lying. Start faking it. Stop being so honest with people, and just fake that I'm fine. And maybe it will be true soon. And I will stop being disappointed when the family just doesn't react how I need them to.
And with that, I feel like maybe it would be best if I moved out, then I won't be disappointed when mom and dad don't ask me more how I am doing, and to talk about things. I just don't know where to start looking or anything. I wish I had a sister I felt comfortable moving in with right now.

That's about all for now. Need to get to bed.
I just wish I could get out of here. I'm annoyed by everything right now.

The best part of tonight was the fireside with President Featherstone, which is always good to hear him speak, he's amazing. And then talking afterwards with Katie Jenkins. She is someone I feel like I could talk to about anything. She is a great listener. I would love to live with her. I even kind of told her that, that she is someone I could live with. But she just told me tonight that she has cancer. Hodgkins Lymphoma. Found a lump in her armpit. Same as her sister had, but it's not supposed to be genetic. She is getting her 3rd session of chemo tomorrow. She'll probably shave her hair this week.  But wow, it must be so hard. But yeah, she is great to talk to.
Anway, I gotta go. Goodnight!

Life is a little hard right now.

I feel like things are changing. I'm getting older. Being single is getting harder. At least it has been the last two or three weeks. This has also caused a big rift here at home, with mom and dad. Mostly due to poor communication. Things are better there, Dad offered to listen to me yesterday and because I was desperate to be listened to, I took him up on it, and just vented about all my current frustrations of still being single, and being so tired of being alone, and being frustrated about how mom has reacted recently to my being unhappy about it all, even when I tried to talk to her the other night when she finally asked what was wrong (she and I communicate very differently, which has been hard at times throughout my life). He was so kind to literally just listen and let me rant and vent and cry and get it all out, and cry some more. I don't think I've ever really talked to him that much and that openly like that, and I am so grateful I got to, and that he was such a good listener. I didn't know he could be like that. And so understanding, which I was extremely grateful for too. He responded in exactly the way I've been needing so badly. With understanding and empathy. I worked the night before and went to Sac. Mtg. right after work and remembered it's fast sunday, and I normally would have fasted another Sunday, because I was eating throughout the night at work, but after Sac. Mtg., I went home to sleep, and I normally eat breakfast first, then shower and crash, but yesterday I decided to just fast the rest of the day, and I pleaded for a miracle that night, with Mom (things were still bad with her), and last night I felt like I got my miracle and then some, as talking to Dad was a huge blessing, and then later Mom came and talked to me and it was a better conversation than our previous two this weekend. Not perfectly what I hoped for, but I feel better about things, and have prayed and prayed to be able to forgive mom and let all this go and to like being around her again, and I feel like that prayer is being answered.

But I was at Camille's this afternoon and evening, and it was fun to be with the kids, and to catch up with her, and Taylor and Caitlyn came over for games, which I almost didn't stay for because I just kind of felt awkward, and I'm not in the most happy, confident, friendly mood still. But I did stay, and it was pretty fun. And plus Camille and I talked some more afterwards, which was good. But it honestly was hard to see her so happy with her family, and constantly doing so many fun things with the kids and her family, and she goes on a bunch of little hikes with the kids and stuff, and I secretly feel bad that she doesn't invite me to more things. She's invited Rosanna a couple times, and the other day she told me she wished she had invited me to the one the other day, and said so again today. And I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I already struggle with feeling like I always belong and fit in in my family, being single and with no kids. But to feel forgotten as well, that's hard. And I do sometimes, I feel like I get forgotten because I don't have a family of my own.

This being single just seems like it's getting harder. And hopefully it's just a thing I'm going through right now, and I'll be fine again soon. I don't want to be that unhappy single girl.

The other day, and even last night after talking and venting to Dad, I felt a lot more optimistic about life again. But today it's been hard again, and being at Camille's. I started crying on my way home in the car, and the thought came to get a blessing. But honestly, I don't want to, because I feel like in my last who knows how many blessings over the last few years, I feel like they all say the same thing about that part of my life, that the things I want most will be granted to me and such, something to that effect each time. But obviously it hasn't happened. And it's frustrating. And disappointing. So I don't even want to hear it. I told Heavenly Father the other day that I'm done asking for it because I'm tired of being disappointed. But that He knows I want it.

So that's kind of where I'm at right now.

Funny voicemail history. And the suckiness of dating right now. Oh, and the Narrows!

So I life has been good and bad lately. I have a pretty great life, minus one thing. A man. Most of the time I'm okay with it, and it doesn't get to me too much, but the last week or two it has been really frustrating and hard for me. Dating in general. Or the mostly lack thereof. I attract the less actives, and it has happened again. Or short guys who are active and great, but who I'm not attracted to. I can't win. And it's been getting me more down than usual lately.
But I was just going through my voicemails to delete a bunch, in hopes of having enough space on my phone to take a picture of the locations nearby where I can go apply for a passport (I might go to Taiwan with Rob and Meg in Oct, crazy!), and I just wanted to record the names of the guys who have left me voicemails in the past couple years, and what I have named some of them in my phone, ha:

(Mostly from oldest to most recent)
Kory Fleming (wasn't for dating purposes, I can't remember why he called, just said to call him)
Adam Reiser
Tinder Andy Smith (the guy I went ice skating at the Gallivan Center with for the first time, and who put his hand on my leg and then fell totally asleep with it still there, while watching a movie at his house, ha)
Andy Google Voice
Tinder McKay
Miguel
Darren Christensen (many)
Joel Anderson (love that kid, and his messages, always, haha)
Tinder Collin Urban Planning
Spencer Ring
Tinder Eric Smith
Tyler Riley

And that takes us to just the other day, with Tyler Riley's message. He is such a great guy, has his life in order, head on straight, good job, active in the Church, socially normal, funny, but he's my height. Maybe even a tiny bit shorter. Ugh. And I just don't feel attracted to him. Maybe if it were under more casual circumstances and I got to know him casually over time, but after our two dates, I just don't feel attracted to him. Maybe if he were taller. I just really have decided that I just really need someone taller than me, by like a few inches. I just really want to feel smaller than them.
Tyler even smells good too. Ugh. Why can't it work out..?
And Tinder Eric Smith is this guy who I AM finally physically attracted to, and he seems interested in me, we have a lot of the same interests, he's got a good job and is a good guy as far as I can tell (we've been out a couple times), but he's not active. Of course.
Again, can't win.
And I've been back on Tinder for the last month or so, which is how I met Eric Smith, and how Tyler found me, actually, but Tinder has turned out to be more disappointing and frustrating that usual this time around. The few guys who will message me don't message me for very long, and I don't know what I'm saying to make them stop. It happened again just this morning. It is so discouraging and frustrating. I might delete it here soon, just because it feels more discouraging than encouraging lately.

And the 4th of July is this Saturday, which is normally my favorite holiday, but I have no plans, don't really want to do anything with Jamie at this point, it's often hard to be with family on holidays because it reminds me so much of how single I am, and when I'm already feeling down about it this week..I may just volunteer to work.

But my life isn't all bad. On the up side, we went to the Narrows in Zion last weekend, and it was a blast! I had wanted to hike the Narrows for YEARS, and I finally got to do it! It was the perfect weekend, with perfect weather and conditions, fun people..it was so great! I would totally do it again! And I was worried about that. My love for camping increased a ton after that trip. Oh, and I bought and slept in a hammock for the first time ever, which wasn't actually ideal for sleeping, turns out, haha, but fun to try it! And definitely a space saver!

Boating with Matt Broadbent, SO FUN!!!

Today is Sunday, I worked last night, and I still feel half dead, haha. Partly from working and lack of sleep, but more from boating yesterday and being really sore in pretty much every muscle in my body. But it was sooo worth it. So fun!!

So Matt Broadbent, who knows Camille and Jake, and who I've become "friends" with by inviting him to trips we plan (Havasupai, Hawaii, the Narrows), but who can never come because of traveling for work, texted me Friday morning saying it was high time he invited me and friends along to something, and invited me to go boating with him on Sat afternoon. I was so flattered, but told him I didn't think it would work out  because I had to work Sat night (he said they'd probably get back around 7 pm), but thanks so much anyway! But then he surprised me and seemed to want to work it out so that I could come, saying there was likely someone coming later, and we could probably arrange a drop-off/pick up time.
So anyway, that ended up working out, and my friend, Chelsea Furniss in my ward and I went (Jamie was in ID with her family. Brandon, her brother just came home from his mission; and confession, it was actually really nice and refreshing to be with someone else, to be with Chelsea. I really like her.) and met them at Utah Lake, and it was such a blast! It was just five of us--Matt, two friends of his, Bryce Craven and Scott Christofferson, and then us, and then another girl, Rachel, joined us later. But the guys were all cool and nice and chill, and the girl was really cool too. It was so fun to be around guys like that, and to meet some new, nice ones! And so refreshing to have a fun social in-person interaction like that, haha. But seriously! Plus it was such a blast to be on the water. It was one of my best wakeboarding days ever, I think the water gods were with me, but I was able to go in and out of the wake a bunch, and even switch directions on the board mid-wakeboarding, which I've only ever  been able to do once a long time ago. And Matt had me play my music, which they seemed to like. I brought my iPhone cord and an auxillary cord so we could play music, and he has these really powerful speakers on his boat so we blasted music, which made it even more fun.
Chelsea and I left early, along with Scott too, but it was perfect. It was so fun. I rushed home and showered and got ready for work really fast and ran off, and the end of the night was pretty hard to get through at work, including having become increasingly sore through the night, and it being painful to move. And I was borderline dysfunctional by the end of the shift and was a little worried about driving home (I was fine). But it was all so worth it. SO worth it! Oh my goodness, it was such a blast.
And as far as the guys, turns out Matt isn't really my type, so no interest there, except that I hope he invites me again to go boating. :) But the other guys were cool too, and initially I thought Scott seemed more my type, but by the end, I was more into Bryce. We figured out he is the older brother of a guy I went to high school with, Spencer Craven, who I was never really interested in, but he and I were kind of always in the same group of friends, and he was a good looking, nice, and fun guy. But initially I thought Bryce didn't seem like someone I'd be interested in, but after talking to him for a bit in the front of the boat, I kind of changed my mind. He went to Olympus, which was fun to talk about. He graduated in '97 (ha!), so he's like almost Rosanna's age, but that didn't bother me. Lately I've kind of been feeling like older might work out better for me. Random, but I seem to attract older men. I always have. Ever since like right out of high school. For example, Paul would date me, he's 45. 46 now probably. Then there's Thomas, the cute black RT at work who gave me his phone number, and he told me he's 40, I think. Forty-something, maybe. Then there's Todd at work, who is married, but we get along really well, he's an attractive man, and likes to flirt, but he's in his 40's too. So not that I'm going to date any of these people, but it's just made me wonder if older would work better for me. So this guy, Bryce's 35, or whatever he is, didn't really bother me. He seems cool, and like a good guys. And Spencer, his brother, was always a good kid, I was on Seminary Council with him, I remembered last night. So he comes from a good family.
I invited both Bryce and Scott to the Narrows, and both of them sounded potentially interested, so I told them I'd send them the invite on FB. So I found them both last night and added them as friends, and looked around on Bryce's page a bit. Couldn't see much, but a few things. And normally, when I do that, it usually ruins my interest in the guy. So I try to avoid it. But there wasn't anything I saw that turned me off. He seems to be a really outdoorsy guy, good guy, not too into himself or anything. Seems to be fit, a runner, and just a fun, good, well-liked guy. So I would love to get to know him better. It would be awesome if he came to the Narrows with us. Or if he, y'know, asked me out or something...that'd be fine.

Tender Tinder is not so tender

So Tinder has turned out to be yet another source of discouragement, this time around. It always is, in a way, due to the dumb and trashy guys that are perpetually found on the app. But this time around, the discouragement came a lot quicker. It was fun and exciting and gave me something to hope for for a bit, but that turned quickly into frustration and discouragement when a few guys that seemed legit, like they were actually cool, nice, normal guys, messaged me, and then after I responded, never messaged back.
For example, this guy who looked cool, like someone I could go well with, had a BYU hat on with a CURVED brim in one picture, was tall, had good teeth, and in his little profile blurb said, "and don't worry, if we match, I'll be a man and message you first" which I was like, awesome, I'm all about that. So I liked him, and we matched, and then lo and behold, within probably twelve hours he messaged me, and said, "Hi Melissa! Where are you from?" And I was like, sweet! He's even good on his word! So I replied and said, "Hey, I'm from here in SLC, you?"
And then nothing. NOTHING. Nothing ever again.

The other message that was most frustrating this time was this guy who was tall and pretty cute, not one I was so hoping would message me, but seemed decent. But then with his message he became more attractive. He said, "I'm interested in you. You have a genuine smile and I would honestly love to get to know what makes you happy." I was so flattered. And it was so refreshing. What a sincere, honest message. So I wrote back and thanked him and said something like, "Hey, thank you, that's really nice of you. You seem like a good guy yourself, who I wouldn't mind getting to know as well. What makes me happy..lots of things.." And then I listed a few, like my family, good friends, good relationships, teaching, my job, feeling like I've made a difference in someone's day, etc. And then asked him a couple questions, like what had brought him to Utah. He had mentioned in his blurb that he'd been here for ten years. Anyway, I was excited about this guy. He was tall and cute, but seemed like he had a sort of quiet confidence and kindness that was attractive. But guess what. After that, never heard from him again. !!!

It makes me so mad! They get my hopes up for normal good guys still existing and that maybe they are one, and then those hopes get dashed! I just want to yell at these guys and say, "What do you want??!?! What are you looking for??? What did you want me to say?!?!?!" It's so annoying and frustrating. I'm pretty much over Tinder again already, and it's only been like two weeks or something since I got back on. Actually like a week I think. Not very long. This is record time that I'm getting Tindered out. Haven't even gone on a date and I'm Tindered out!

Updates. + back on Tinder..

A few updates on recent posts:
I gave Jeff a BOM a week or so after that conversation, and he gratefully took it. A few days after that I asked him if he'd read any of it, which he hadn't. Nor had he even read or seen my note inside the front. Ha. I told him to read the note. He said he did flip through the book though, which I told him was a good start. :) He said he'd read my note.

We got to the second night of our volleyball tournament, and had a real chance for a tshirt, but lost by THREE points in the last game that would have gotten us to the championship game. Ugghhh! Such a disappointment. It was a really good game though, and such a fun season! We're planning on playing again in the fall when the league starts up again.

It was about a month ago that I ran into Elder Adam Davies at the gym, and haven't seen or heard from him since, haha. I was really hoping to after that, he was really on my mind for a bit after that, and I added him on fb, invited him to the Narrows, looked through his fb stuff, and was then even more interested in getting to know him, he seemed like a great, normal, fun guy. But alas, haven't heard a peep from him or seen him again. I'm sure I will see him again sometime at the gym, but this week, I looked him up again, and I decided that I'm not actually that interested anymore. Not for any huge reason, and if he asked me out I would definitely say yes and would be excited, but just some things he has posted or what not made me think that maybe he's not my type after all. So no big deal.

I can't remember what else I had written about...oh my guitar class! That ended a couple weeks ago, but I loved it, and I learned so much! I'm definitely taking the next one in the fall. It also definitely has made me a better guitar player. I practice more, and I enjoy practicing even more. I like playing with Jamie more because I can keep up a little better, and have even been able to teach her some things. It's been so fun! I'm on my way to being that girls camp guitarist after all...(a legitimate bucket list goal of mine).

Haven't heard from Spencer at all since the last ending, thank heavens! I still kind of shudder at the thought. But since it all ended, I feel like I've gotten my life back. He really did a number on me and really affected me. Crazy. And crazy stressful and scary. "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten has been my I'm-done-with-Spencer song. Totally pumps me up and has helped me really move on and leave him and thoughts of him behind. I'm so grateful for my family for helping me through it, and I'm so grateful that experience is over. I still feel like it was a significant life experience that was meant to happen, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone or ever want to go through it again.

There are no other guys in my life. Not even any potentials. I've been on LDSMatchup.com for a little while, because I felt like I should get on it, and wanted something, but not Tinder. But it's turned out to be pretty lame. It's the Tinder for Mormons. That's its tagline. But it's kind of lame. Much less people on it. Less user friendly. I've chatted with a few guys, but nothing has come of any of them. No dates. One guy actually wanted to go out to eat and gave me his number and said I could give him mine, so I did, but then I never heard from him. Surprise, surprise.

Darren is back to texting me though. I was glad to hear from him the other day, because I was happy that he didn't hate me. But from things he asks me and says, I know he wants to see me still, or seems to have even wanted to talk to me on the phone the other night. Seemed like that's what he was getting at. But I just kind of avoid the situations. I don't know what else to do. He's too nice, I can't just ignore him. But I just have no desire to see him or do anything with him, really. I wish I did.

But speaking of Tinder, I just got back on tonight, actually. I haven't wanted to for a long time, since I got off after the Spencer drama. But lately I've been thinking more about it, and it seems a lot of people that I know have gotten married or are getting married or are dating from meeting on Tinder. So I've kind of wanted to give it another try, but then the thought of it, and of dating, and first dates, and trudging through the trash and the lame guys, just sounds so exhausting. So I've been very hesitant. I downloaded the app again a few days ago, but didn't set up a new account til just tonight. So we'll see what it brings. I'm being even more picky than before. So I swipe right on very few guys. Not very many seem real appealing to me. So yeah, we'll see.

But better go to bed, tomorrow (today) is Memorial Day, and I'm excited to do family stuff. And to go to Dylan's grave because I bought some Mario K'nex characters for all the kids to build, and then we're going to super glue them to these metal skewers I bought, and stick them in the ground at his grave. Excited for that.
Goodnight!

Good day

Today was a good day. I have the whole weekend off for Memorial Day weekend (I chose to work Labor Day weekend instead, between the two), so today, Saturday, I got up, went to the gym, ran 6 miles (which was the farthest I've run since my last half marathon I think, haha (I'm training for another half that's in..about three weeks, aaa..) ), came home and did some much needed cleaning (my bathroom, living room, the downstairs kitchen floor); mowed the lawn, and then headed out to Rosanna's, but stopped at a book signing of a BYU friend of mine. Actually she was my secretary when I was RS Pres. in Glenwood before my mission, Heidi Doxey, and she just published her first novel, and her book signing was just over in Sugarhouse, so I stopped by, got the book, and then went to the Kerrs' house. It was fun to see her though, and see her book! I'm totally excited to read it.

So yeah, then went to Rosanna's, which was really good. Probably the best visit I've had there since Dylan died. We had dinner, then Megan played with my hair, I did Rachel's nails, we all (except Steve) played this new game Simon got for his birthday called something Your Assets. It was fun!
Then it was bedtime, but I went up and hung out with the kids upstairs for a bit, looking at Simon's new Lego sets, and their Lego book with Megan and Simon. It was fun to be with the kids. Earlier in the evening I talked to them about if their friends at school knew about Dylan, and their feelings on that, and if they wished more kids at school knew and such. It was just good to be able to talk about those things, I think, and hear Simon and Megan's thoughts and feelings on those things. Hopefully good for them, but good for me too. I just worry about them, and lately I've felt like they probably need to talk about things more. I certainly am a talker, meaning I need to talk about things to work through them. And I figure I'm probably not that unique in that. Especially with something like losing your brother. Simon's doing pretty good, he misses Dylan, but he talks about the whole situation in a very matter of fact way, it's pretty funny actually. He's such a boy, haha. Megan is doing better than I think she has been, but I think it's messed with her emotions and mental state more than anyone else. She seems like she struggles with a depression-like mood sometimes, and feels more sad and down. I feel for her, and hope so much that I can be a good friend/aunt to her through this. I need to do better at that. I need to go out there more. I wish they lived a little bit closer to us so I could more easily go over there more. But I need to anyway. Rosanna is still struggling too. You wouldn't guess it, but she mentioned something yesterday about being functional again one day. I don't know how she goes on with such a good face on. She's amazing.

It just still feels surreal to me sometimes. All the time, really. It just still doesn't seem totally real that Dylan is really gone. And when I think about it, it makes me so sad very quickly. Which is why I don't know how Rosanna deals with it and is able to function at all.

But it was good to be there. I sure love those kids, Megan, Rachel, and Simon. And they love me, which I feel so grateful for and so blessed by. Simon hugs me, which means the world to me. Because the other boy grandkids don't just come up and hug me. Well, Caleb does, haha, love that kid. But the Merkley boys don't. Love them all though. So grateful for our family.

Highlights of last few days

Besides the good things I've already mentioned in the last post just now, other highlights include on Monday at work, talking to Jeff (gay, HCA, almost always seems unhappy) about the Church and Book of Mormon, and him being open to learning more and taking a BOM. I've wanted to share the Gospel with him for a while, he needs it so bad. I'm so grateful I got to talk about it that day!

Totally getting CREAMED at volleyball in our second match last night, only scoring 3, yes THREE, points in the last game (ha, not a highlight, but memorable, haha). Even still, we have ended up 5th of 8 teams for the tournament. Surprising!

Running into Adam Davies (Elder Davies, my first District Leader out in the field) at the gym today. He works for Planet Fitness, and I see him there every once in a while. We've talked once before, but it was short, and nothing memorable. But today he seemed like he actually wanted to chat, and it was fun to, he seems like a good guy. And he's cute! Was dressed perfectly, down to the jeans and shoes! Mm, loved it. But I ended up mentioning we were planning a trip to the Narrows in June, and invited him. He said he thinks he has a family thing that weekend, but I asked if he's on fb, he said yes, so I said I'd find him and send him an invite. It was just really refreshing to talk to a cute, normal, nice guy. Totally made my day.

Guitar class tonight. I love going.

Visiting Paul tonight. I meant to back in Jan or Feb, and then it just never worked out. I told him last week I'd really try to make it happen this week, and I would have rather not and done other things at home, but I'm so glad I did. It was really great to go see him and catch up. I really like talking to him. Because he really likes me and is sincerely interested in my life. He's great.

Things are so much better

So since my last post, after talking to Sally about what was going on with me, we figured out it was the Spencer situation, that he was just dragging me down, and I hadn't even realized it (yikes). And that I for sure needed to block him and get rid of him, pronto.
Long story short, my plan was to block him Sat. after sending my last message, and then moving on happily, feeling very liberated. But instead, he sent me a couple long messages, mostly good things, but included things I wanted to comment on, as well as there were things I was planning on saying before I blocked him (in good ways). So he sent me these long messages, and then when I got on Sat morning after two night shifts, found that HE had blocked ME. I fell apart. And I was a mess for two days. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen! I felt so unresolved. So many things I still wanted to say, but now couldn't. I got home and was an emotional mess, and Dad was there and could tell, and asked me what they could do for me that day, and I asked if he could give me a blessing later today. I was going to ask for one anyway, after I blocked him, but now, with this new upsetting turn of events, I for sure needed one. He of course said yes.
Before I went to bed that morning, I had the idea to create a fake fb account, send him my last message, and then block him, and be done with it. So then I felt hope again, and like things could be resolved. Slept, woke up, felt okay, talked to mom about it, then went and wrote out my message, created the fake account, and went to find him and message him, and realized he must have actually deleted or deactivated his account! So I couldn't message him at all. I fell apart again. I felt crushed. Hopeless. So unresolved again, and with nothing I could do. There was the last resort option of writing him a letter, he had given me his parents' address (and at the time asked me if I would just send him a wedding announcement when I got married...haha, uh..probably not, that's weird). But I didn't want to involve his parents, I had just wanted to message him and be done with it! So I asked Dad if I could get that blessing. He cleaned up real quick and gave it to me, but I just couldn't stop crying after, and I told mom and dad why, and to my blessing, they were very understanding and even encouraged me to write and send him a letter, if that would help. I thought their reaction to that idea, especially mom, would be to discourage me not to, to just let it go. But the fact that they supported the idea, if it would help me (I was clearly in some serious distress, just crying and crying) meant so much to me. And for the record, I haven't sent any letter, and don't think I will. I feel like that's not necessary anymore, and I'm just trying to let it all go and move on. Which is working, and I'm so so grateful.
Anyway, Sunday I didn't want to go to my ward, didn't want to be social or talk to anyone. Didn't want to see Jamie. She didn't know what had been going on, I hadn't talked to her about Spencer for a couple months, and I wasn't in the mood to explain anything, and I knew she would know something was wrong. I went to ward council, but was on the verge of tears by the end, so left, went home, ate breakfast, slept some more, and went to church with Camille and family. Then I went to their house and hung out all afternoon, into the evening. And it was so good. So so good. So therapeutic. I was able to tell Camille everything that happened, and we talked about the situation multiple times throughout the afternoon. I just needed to talk things out. I'm like that, I need to talk. And she helped me work through some feelings about it. And it was fun to play with the kids and just feel care free. And then before I left her house, it came up that she hadn't had a very good week either, and that she was struggling too, which honestly was kind of mind blowing to me because (and I told her this in a text later that night) she always seems so put together and functional, and happy and fine. She fakes it well. I sure don't. So I was really glad to learn that, and talk to her about some things, and how being a mom is really hard, and she feels like she is failing in so many areas (holy wrong, she is an amazing mom!), etc. So we were able to arrange for me to come over this week so she could leave and get anything done that she wanted, that would help decrease her stress, like getting an eye appointment. That was something that was stressing her out, that she couldn't see super well.
Anyway, I went over today actually (Wed), and it worked out great, and I tended and played with the kids, we made funfetti cupcakes (were supposed to be cookies, but the consistency didn't quite work out..), and played and played. Bikes, sidewalk chalk, Chutes and Ladders, In a Pickle, played trains with Lincoln while Ethan and Owen played on the ipads, played outside on the tramp. It was really fun. And I decided the other night that I need to do that once a month for both she and Rosanna. Just tend so they can go do whatever.
Anyway, today is Wed, and things are so much better with the Spencer thing being over. I feel so great knowing I don't have to worry about getting his messages anymore, or responding, or not responding. I'm grateful for the experience and what I learned and experienced, in hopes I can help others in the future, but I'm so so glad it's over. What a crazy and emotionally exhausting 4 months!
But I feel happiness again, I care about people again, I feel a lot of hope and excitement for the future and what's to come. I talked to Jamie for  while last night after volleyball and explained everything that had been going on for the past 2 months with him. And we talked a lot about a few things, and just kind of reconnected. And it was really good. In my wanting to do my own thing thing that I've been experiencing, I forget how nice it is to talk to her sometimes. How understanding and non-judgmental she is, and how comforting it is to hear her perspective on the situation, as she is able t relate to me in ways other people aren't, because we're both in the same phase of life, and because she and I think so similarly. So that was really nice and a great blessing to chat with her so much last night.
Things are definitely looking up. And I am still so blessed.

Struggling--what's wrong with me? I'm just not happy. Spencer update, and update about the recent, but resolved, mom issue.

I am struggling. I feel like, or worry that, there's something wrong with me. I'm just not happy. And there's not really anyone I'm mad at in my family or anything. But I'm just not happy. The issue with mom got resolved a week or so ago, and I don't often bounce back quick, but I'm still just not happy. And I don't really care about anyone, which is not like me, I don't think..? I feel alone, yet I want to be alone. Probably because I'm not great company right now. I feel like I'm kind of just existing and going through the motions right now. And maybe it's partly because I should be starting my period in about a week. But also the Spencer thing, I think could be playing a part. Last night I was trying to think what the problem was. What is weighing me down. And then I thought of him and the situation, and I just fell apart, right there, while trying to go to sleep. And I sobbed for a few minutes. Which made me think maybe he has just been sucking the life out of me. Because I do not like contention. And I do not like feeling like I've hurt anyone in any way. And he's sure made it clear that I've done that to him. And maybe deep inside that is just getting at me and bringing me down. I was going to block him on fb, Camille found a way to do that (we didn't think it was possible) the other day, and I was actually really excited to do so, I was just going to respond to his last message, apologize again, and say take care or something, and then block him real fast so that he wouldn't have the chance to respond, since he always responds so dang fast. But then I just didn't feel like maybe it was the right time.. But then just a few days later, and a few days ago on Monday morning, mom found the book I gave him, The Infinite Atonement, with the note I wrote him when he went back to MN on Jan 9, as well as a note that he had recently written stuck in the book, all left up in front of our house on the sidewalk. His note talked a lot about fear and how it was fear that prevented two good people from being together, yada yada. And that I could choose how to bury the book. Wow. So blocking him wouldn't have even  prevented that! He still remembers where I live! I wasn't super surprised about that, he told me he did once, but that he would drive all the way here to leave that, wow. So now I'm a little scared of what else he might do. Burn our house down next? He also left me a nice (not nice) fb message that morning as well, explaining about the book and the note, and how what I said in the note did not seem to be currently how I felt and such (well, yeah), and how I've changed and he couldn't deal with the inconsistency, so he needed to get rid of it. I was so frustrated that he had it all wrong, but also sad that he felt all these ways, and seemed to have made me out to be a mean malicious person or something. And was sad that he had taken our short little relationship and dragged things out this far. Especially after he seemed to be resolved and nice again a little while ago! Where did all this new anger and hatefulness come from?? The things he said in the note in the book and his fb message made me so sad for him too because it is obvious that Satan has a pretty great hold on his heart.
I finally just messaged him back today (three days later), I felt like it was time. And I hoped doing so would help free me of him. I decided if he responds with more crap, I will definitely block him. But I wanted to give him one more chance to let me know he's let it go and isn't mad anymore, I guess. I just hate ending things on a bad note, I think. And the other part is, I have been legitimately afraid of what he might do out of anger, if I block him. Come burn down the house? Stalk me and hurt me? I don't think he really would, but he is mentally unstable to me, has anger issues, and you just never know. So that's the other reason I have waited to message him back, in hopes that he is back in MN by now (he told me a couple weeks ago he's moving back there, and that could we hang out one last time, and I was like um..no. Absolutely not. Are you serious?? But what I actually said was something to the effect of I'm going to have to decline your request to hang out again, I'm sorry. I couldn't believe he thought I would want to see him again. Makes me sick to think of. Or of him trying to hug me. Ugh! But then when I step back and try to see this with an eternal perspective, it makes me quick to let everything go, continue to forgive him, and want to just laugh that everything is so serious and what has happened. But to him I know it's much more serious, because of various things, I'm sure, but partly because of how analytical he is, how invested he apparently was in the relationship, and his OCD. He obsesses about things, which I've gathered is why he can't let this go and move on. So that's hard. But I'm still tired of the blaming and unkind things being said to me.


Update about the mom issue recently:
A couple weeks ago, the night of the Women's Conference, I was feeling very alone in life, because of the Spencer thing I just wished I had someone I could talk to about it, someone of my own. And this began weighing on me heavier and heavier, until that night, I just became very emotional, and I even had to leave the conference for a few min. to pull myself together. On the way home, Mom asked me what was wrong, because Camille had come asked me before we pulled away, and I told her. And she said I could always talk to her, and I said that was the thing, that I didn't feel like I could, that I felt more judged than listened to by her, etc. And it erupted into a big kind of argument, and we got home and neither of us had much more to say it seemed, but it felt very unresolved. That night I still felt like she didn't really want to listen to me, and I was so hurt, partly by something else that was said. I ended up going on an hour long drive, which helped, but I still was very mad and hurt. She tried again to come talk to me, realizing that I had been very offended, and we talked for a bit, I cried a lot, but I still didn't feel really listened to. I felt like she was in a hurry to leave and get it over with. So I was still crushed. We went about the next about 9 days with her trying to be normal and I was still very sad. I couldn't move on. I couldn't talk about day to day things when this big thing hadn't been resolved.

That was on a Sat. night, and the next Tues was Andy's sealing, which I went to, but drove myself, and was really struggling emotionally. I felt alone in my house, and alone in life. That night mom came in my room to talk to me, but to really talk this time. She came in and sat on my bed this time, and we talked for a while. There was much less arguing, and more understanding. I felt like I was able to understand her more, and hopefully she me. It seemed like it. And another issue, of when I came home from my mission and no one ever asked me about it, so I was really quiet and sad for a couple months and they wondered what was wrong..that came up, which for years now I've been hoping to talk about because it was so hurtful to me. And we talked about it, and mom felt really bad about it, because she said she understood feeling hurt by parents, because she still was trying to get over and let go of hurt her parents had caused her growing up. That broke my heart, and I tried asking her about it, and she didn't really want to go into it, more than say how they treated her. That made me so sad. She said she always wanted to be better parents than they were, and thought she and dad have been, but maybe not. I told her they were.
Anyway, we talked for a bit and things seemed okay. I wrote her a note that night and left it in her car to find the next morning thanking her for coming down and sitting and talking to me, that that's all I had wanted. I told her she was a great mom, one of the best, and that I forgave her. She really appreciated the note, which meant a lot to me.
But I just haven't bounced back totally yet. I still feel this sadness, this down-ness. And I'm just not totally sure why. I am tearing up as I speak, but I don't know why. Maybe it really is just PMS.
I told Jamie I'm at a weird place in my life, and I didn't really want to go into details exactly what I meant by that. I just told her (when she asked more what I meant) that I was working through some things. And a lot of it was the mom issue at the time. Which has more or less since resolved. But then there was the Spencer thing. And that I am wanting/needing to do my own thing right now. And more now is this not feeling like I care about anyone. I feel so disconnected from people. There's not really anyone I want to hang out with. Not Jamie, not family, not really anyone. I feel like when I go to work I have to put on a happy face. And usually I am feeling legitimately happy partway through the shift, but not at first. I don't really care to know what's going on in any of my siblings' lives. The other day I thought, I need to do service. Maybe that's what I'm missing. Maybe that will help. And I've also been feeling bad that I haven't reached out to Rosanna and her family for a while, which is because I haven't felt great myself. And when you don't have anything in your own lamp to give, you can't really help others. That's how I've felt. I also had recently heard mom tell someone that they had told someone they no longer needed dinners brought, because the last three had been bad. So I had this idea to make them dinner yesterday (Wed). I didn't really want to, but I had the thought, and I kept thinking about it, and I felt like I should, and that it would be a good thing. I texted Rosanna and she thought that would be great and seemed excited to have me come over. I told her over text that I was sorry I had basically been MIA, and kind of why, that I was dealing with my own issues, which needed to be dealt with, but I felt bad I hadn't really been able to do or be anything for them. She said asked if they were resolving, and asked if it had anything to do with Spence, and I said yes, some. But I was hoping she would ask me about things, about me, which she never really does. Which I shouldn't really blame her for, she is still dealing with losing a son. But I just wish she and I had a better relationship. I ask her about how she is and details and what's going on in their lives, but she doesn't really ask back much. And right now I would really love to talk to her about stuff.
So yesterday I went over, made them dinner, and had to run to my guitar class. But by the time we ate I was kind of grateful to have an excuse to leave, I felt down, I felt uncomfortable, it was kind of awkward. It was a weird feeling. And I was feeling annoyed with the kids. And maybe it was all because I was really tired. But I just wish I felt like Rosanna care enough about my life to ask. So I was pretty bummed when I left that she never did. Even after what I told her over text, which was a little out of my comfort zone, but which I was hoping would help our relationship, and give her encouragement to ask me. And maybe she would have if I was there longer and she had the chance. But the fact that she had even wondered over text if it was the Spencer thing, tells me Mom or Camille or Sally, or all of them, have told her stuff, which is fine, but I wish she would ask me herself and want to talk about how I'm doing.

Anyway, I have to get ready for work. I hope this is just PMS. I have started to wonder if I legitimately need therapy or something, about this Spencer thing, or anything else. I'm just not myself. And I don't love this. And I feel like dating someone could help significantly, but I don't want to only be happy if there's a guy in my life. I don't want to rely on a relationship to do that. That's lame. I've got to be happy again on my own first.

Why can't someone that I'M interested in back feel this way about me??

I need to go to sleep, have to work in the morning, and I need to update about the last couple weeks or so, and how they've been kind of rough, emotionally, but how things are looking up.

But I just need to get some feelings out real quick about how I'm feeling right now. I've now broken two guys' hearts pretty good, both recently, and they are both currently having a hard time with it, and it's taking more of a toll on me than I would have expected. Spencer is the first one, and this week he is back to ranting and being bitter and mad and pointing fingers at me, and I realized he is just trying to cope and that he is just really hurt. He fell hard and fast for me, way too quick, if you ask me (we dated in person for about 10 days, before he went back to MN, and things got crazy over text). But nonetheless, I have broken his heart, and he is hurt, and that's hard. I've apologized countless times, and there's nothing more I can do, other than date him again, which I'm not willing to do. I decided last night that it's a good thing he's not more my type, because if he was, despite all this crap, I strangely would be tempted to give him another chance. But he's not my type, too skinny, don't love his style, and (this may sound really shallow, but) he isn't super coordinated dancing, like country dancing. Which is kind of a big deal to me. Maybe it shouldn't be, but more it's his style. And a lot of his personality. But anyway.

And then Darren. Darren is so sweet. So kind. He's still been texting me almost daily, even months after we broke up and decided to do the friend thing, but apparently he has been thinking much more than I realized, that we could be more than friends again, and now that he quit his job that he traveled so much for recently, he wanted to go out, and told me he would like to see me more often, even just to visit, or massage my feet :) (he's a massage therapist, and really good, darn it). I realized what was happening, and I told him I was happy to do something as friends, but that I didn't want to lead him on, and was worried that I already had, for which I was really sorry if that was true. He reacted really well and just said, "No worries :) it's part of life ;)" I didn't know what to say back, so I didn't text him for a few days, until about three days ago, and I just thanked him for his reaction, and for how kind he still was and how mature he reacted, each time I had essentially done this to him. Then I asked how he was doing. Didn't hear from him for a day or two, which was unusual, so I started to worry. I worried that maybe he had done something, because I had had these thoughts to text him the night before I actually did, but decided to wait until the next day. So I worried I had been prompted to text him that night for a reason, and then when I didn't hear from him, worried that he had done something, killed himself or something, and I could have stopped him maybe (my mind goes to worst case scenario, of course). So when I don't hear from him, then I text him again a day or two later, worried, asking him to just let me know he's okay. No word. Now I'm really worried. So today I FB messaged him, and got back a response tonight, via both text and FB actually. Saw the text first, and he said, "I'm alive just working through not having feelings for you." Ugh. Ouch. I was really glad he is okay and alive, but feel really bad. Right when I read that I thought, that makes two of you.
I was with Jamie at the time, and I quickly told her about the text and why I was glad to get it, and she asked me if that made me feel bad, and I said yeah, but I wasn't going to lose sleep over it. But I feel worse than I think I thought I would still.

Dating sucks. I'm in such a drought and am just dealing with these negative, sad situations. And I finally got on ldsmatchup.com a couple weeks ago, because I just needed SOMETHING, something more exciting as far as dating in my life. I needed so bad to meet a good guy. And it has turned out to be lame. Not the best dating site, I don't love how it's set up, and there's just not enough people on it, it seems. I run out of people all the time. It's "Tinder for Mormons," that's the tag line. Although after a few days I matched with and got messaged by a few guys that seemed decent and cool. But all three have turned out to be lame or not my type.

I worked on Fri, yesterday, and I just prayed that there would be a cute guy there, or for HF to send a cute guy my way at work, just to distract me from the Spencer situation (his long message I had read the night before really brought me down and made me feel really bad. That's when I really realized I had hurt him pretty bad, even if unintentionally. And I know how it feels to feel hurt by someone you trusted, and that's hard. It's hard to know I've done that. Really hard that night, I couldn't sleep for a while because of it.). Anyway, HF totally answered my prayer and the cute PT, Scott (learned his correct name that day) was working on our floor all that day, and one of the cute RT's that I've seen just a few times were both working on our floor that day. Sadly, I don't think either of them are LDS, I've basically seen their underclothing, and it's not garments, bummer; but it was still a big blessing to even be able to see them here and there throughout the day, and I talked to both of them, just minimally, but it was a highlight to my day, and definitely an answer to my prayer, for which I was grateful.

Anyway, I need to sleep. But this has helped. I feel worst about Darren. He now doesn't want to go to the Master Your Influence conference that I was going to give him the extra ticket to. Which is what really made me feel bad tonight, he's really feeling bad I think. And it's because of me.

I should introduce the two of them, let them empathize with each other over my rejection of both of them.

Worked ALLLLL day, but I feel better

I ended up working a 15 hour day today, because the night shift was going to be super short tonight, so Sara and I both stayed after our shift to help the next shift pass meds and stuff for a bit. I left right before 10 pm, hoping not to miss the shuttle back to my car in the O-zone (I thought it ran until 10 pm..?), but I seemed to have missed it, so I just walked down to the O-zone. It was a pretty nice night, and thankfully I didn't get stole or anything.
But the day was good, I had an orientee, Heather, who is awesome, and took 4 of our 5 patients the whole day, so I pretty much only had 1 patient all day, who was pretty low-maintenance, so it was an easy day for me. But it also got me out of my funk. Work is good for that for me. If I'm in a bad mood when I get there, I'm usually not when I leave.
Highlights of work were letting one of the nursing students practice placing an IV on me. I've offered to multiple students to let them do that over the last year or so, but she's the first one who has taken me up on it, so weird. I would always jump at any opportunity like that when I was a student.
So I felt better when I got home, but then mom showed me this whole packet Sylvia Fenton had sent to us with Arved, about how she lost her 6 1/2 year old son long ago, and the story and experience. I ended up staying up in the kitchen and read the whole thing, and just cried through a lot of it. It was sad what happened (he drowned in the American Fork River), but the whole Dylan thing (he's been gone just less than a month and a half) made it so close to the surface and made her experience so much more relatable to me because of that I think. I was sad about Dylan, and for Sylvia all over again. So that was sad. Some neat tender mercies she had with it though. And he was an incredible kid! And he would have been my age, we would have been in mutual together, so that's a bummer. It would have been fun to have a guy friend my age in the ward growing up (I had Rob Dittmore, but he was a little different..).

Thoughts I need to get out. Just wanting to do my own thing lately.

I haven't written for months, and I need to update (i.e. the drama trama rama of dating Spencer Ring and everything that came after; Dylan's passing; and my trip to Hawaii), but I just felt the need to write some thoughts and feelings tonight.
Tonight I've been feeling kind of blah. I worked last night, slept all day today, practiced the guitar for a bit (just started a community ed guitar class last week that I'm loving!), went upstairs, mom and dad had gotten home from work and were heading out on a walk, Arved arrived (still comes daily, at least once), I ordered Dragon Diner while they were gone, they got home and Dad went and picked it up, I got ready for our volleyball game, we ate dinner, then I headed to our games at Bonneville Junior High (this is our second season of this rec league, I'm playing on a team with Jamie and Camille and some other friends, it's been really fun! I love it and look forward to it every week). Volleyball was fun enough, I mean the actual playing of the volleyball was fun. I love playing. It usually ends too quickly, at least today it did. But I don't know, I didn't feel super connected to anyone tonight, I'm struggling with wanting to be around Jamie these days, and I think I've created a bigger aversion to her than necessary. And then with Camille, this week we had had a little heart to heart via email after something she had said to me on Sat that was upsetting, and there has been apologies and explanation, etc., and I expected to have kind of a serious moment with her when I saw her again tonight, of a good hug or something, and I hugged her when I saw her, but she had come with Hailey, and the hug wasn't anything special, and she didn't seem phased any by our exchanges this week, or seem to recall them, or something. I don't know. It was kind of a let down though, because it was kind of a big deal to me the last few days, what we've talked about (it was about the Spencer situation, and a knee-jerk reaction comment she made the other day that frustrated me, which she knew and felt bad about). So I think that started my bummer mood. Playing vb was fun, but the mood in general was down, partly because how we were playing part of the time, and whatever other reason. Shar seemed to be in a little more of a bummer mood too? Not sure. Probably just frustrated that we were doing poorly part of the time.
But I left volleyball, Jamie just said bye and left (but seemed in a fine mood), I chatted with Camille for a few min (with Hailey right there too), about Owen's bday party tomorrow night at their house, and I don't know..I think one thing I don't love is sometimes these worlds of family and friends meshing. Playing on a team with both Jamie (Carli Brandt and Shar too, and Tina), and Camille (and her friend, Hailey). It's weird. Maybe it's me being jealous? It kind of irritates me how Camille talks to Jamie sometimes, maybe because I'm not loving being around Jamie right now, and Camille treats her so nice and friendly..? That sounds so dumb and mean of me, I know. I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm feeling. I mean I like Jamie, I've just been having an aversion to her for the last while, wanting to more do my own thing.
But that was the rest of it tonight. Oh, so we were chatting, Camille, Hailey and I, and that is weird too. That's one thing I don't love about the volleyball situation, is that I never really get to be with or chat with Camille alone. Because she always comes with Hailey, so Hailey is always there. Or Jamie hangs around me after or something. And I almost feel like Camille doesn't talk to me when others are around like she talks to me when we are alone. She's more real when it's just us, I think. And when others are around, she's more bubbly and stuff, and I think that kind of irritates me a little. Maybe that's it. ?
Anyway, I left after we parted, Jamie had already left, and I walked to my car and just wanted to be alone. I got in, put on my new favorite song, "Take Your Time" by Sam Hunt, and just listened to my good music as I drove home. And I was so grateful to be alone. It was a very enjoyable drive home, with some good songs, and it was dark, and a little rainy, but I wasn't in a hurry, don't have to work tomorrow or anything.. Then I just sat in the driveway in my car for a bit, listening to music, and just thinking. Not even on my phone. And it was great. I'm in such a do my own thing phase right now, I kind of often want to just be alone. But I think part of the reason is because I feel kind of alone. I don't really have a best friend, or one that I feel that way about. Jamie is still technically my best friend, but I just don't feel like we are as similar now as we used to be. I don't have the desire to tell her everything anymore. Later tonight I just sat on the couch, read the Mormon Times section of the newspaper for a bit, and then just sat there and thought about this, and that's when I kind of had this realization, that maybe this blah feeling is because I don't feel like I have a best friend. I don't have someone right now who understands me, or who I can just tell everything to and want to talk to. Sally is that sometimes, but with this whole Spencer thing, no one really knows exactly what's going on, he keeps messaging me, and usually it's good things now, continuing to show remorse, apologize for how he acted and treated me, praise me for whatever, but today it turned to rehashing things again, and I wrote, but haven't sent yet, a message telling him to please stop rehashing things, and to please let it go, as I have, and that if he can't, to please stop messaging me about it. I'm done hearing about it, because he nearly starts blaming me again, and assumes things that I thought or said that I never did. He's getting how things were and how I felt wrong, and that was frustrating to read today. Can we let the whole thing go already?! Leave me alone!
So anyway, basically that's kind of still a thing in my life I'm dealing with, the Spencer thing, and though I don't let it really bother me TOO much anymore, it's still something I'm dealing with, and sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with it alone. But no one (And by no one, I mean neither Sally nor Camille, who, besides Jamie and Mom and Dad, are the only ones I've ever really talked to about him since all the craziness started after he went back to MN), and Mom is hard to talk to about it because she just wants to tell me what to do. I just wish I had someone of my own that I could talk to about it. Jamie would love to listen, but I don't know, I just don't have a ton of desire to talk to her about things or be around her these days. I wish that wasn't the truth. But yeah. It's times like these that it would be really nice to have husband. Or boyfriend. Or best guy friend. Just someone that really cared about me and I could share these things with.
And with that, can I just say, I have almost no interest in friends. I mean, besides my duty and calling as a visiting teacher, and sometimes going to FHE because I feel like I should because I can go and we're technically supposed to go to FHE, and the occasional temple nights when I can, because I am partly in charge, I just have next to no interest in socializing with the ward. I used to really like the girls, and it is fun to see some of them still and chat, but I just have lost my desire to and to be social in general. I like me family, I like being with them, and that's about it. I feel like this had kind of been coming on for a bit already, but these experiences with Spencer and then with Dylan's passing, I feel like really changed me. I feel like they aged me, in maturity, significantly more than just the passing of time. Not saying I'm so mature or anything now, but I feel changed. I mean I am changed. Those have both been pretty significant experiences in my life. In all our lives, the Dylan thing. The spiritual experiences I've had, getting through the Spencer thing, and then just everything with Dylan's passing, realizing that so much in life really doesn't matter. I guess what I'm getting at is that I just feel on a totally different plane than friends and those in the ward than before. I'm probably explaining this terribly, but it's hard to. But I think that's why, or partly why, I just want to do my own thing so much lately. I just have no desire to be with people, with friends. Family, yes. But the thought of going to a party or to a ward activity just has no appeal. And maybe I'm just having a down night, that's probably part of this. Because some days I'm super happy and excited about life. I still feel life is good tonight, I just feel a little more serious about things tonight. Not so frivolous. I feel like I am living my life alone right now. That's it. I feel like I'm living my life alone. And not that that's a terrible thing, it's just kind of lonely. Especially when there are big things you are dealing with in your head alone. But I'll probably feel better about all of this tomorrow.