Struggling--what's wrong with me? I'm just not happy. Spencer update, and update about the recent, but resolved, mom issue.

I am struggling. I feel like, or worry that, there's something wrong with me. I'm just not happy. And there's not really anyone I'm mad at in my family or anything. But I'm just not happy. The issue with mom got resolved a week or so ago, and I don't often bounce back quick, but I'm still just not happy. And I don't really care about anyone, which is not like me, I don't think..? I feel alone, yet I want to be alone. Probably because I'm not great company right now. I feel like I'm kind of just existing and going through the motions right now. And maybe it's partly because I should be starting my period in about a week. But also the Spencer thing, I think could be playing a part. Last night I was trying to think what the problem was. What is weighing me down. And then I thought of him and the situation, and I just fell apart, right there, while trying to go to sleep. And I sobbed for a few minutes. Which made me think maybe he has just been sucking the life out of me. Because I do not like contention. And I do not like feeling like I've hurt anyone in any way. And he's sure made it clear that I've done that to him. And maybe deep inside that is just getting at me and bringing me down. I was going to block him on fb, Camille found a way to do that (we didn't think it was possible) the other day, and I was actually really excited to do so, I was just going to respond to his last message, apologize again, and say take care or something, and then block him real fast so that he wouldn't have the chance to respond, since he always responds so dang fast. But then I just didn't feel like maybe it was the right time.. But then just a few days later, and a few days ago on Monday morning, mom found the book I gave him, The Infinite Atonement, with the note I wrote him when he went back to MN on Jan 9, as well as a note that he had recently written stuck in the book, all left up in front of our house on the sidewalk. His note talked a lot about fear and how it was fear that prevented two good people from being together, yada yada. And that I could choose how to bury the book. Wow. So blocking him wouldn't have even  prevented that! He still remembers where I live! I wasn't super surprised about that, he told me he did once, but that he would drive all the way here to leave that, wow. So now I'm a little scared of what else he might do. Burn our house down next? He also left me a nice (not nice) fb message that morning as well, explaining about the book and the note, and how what I said in the note did not seem to be currently how I felt and such (well, yeah), and how I've changed and he couldn't deal with the inconsistency, so he needed to get rid of it. I was so frustrated that he had it all wrong, but also sad that he felt all these ways, and seemed to have made me out to be a mean malicious person or something. And was sad that he had taken our short little relationship and dragged things out this far. Especially after he seemed to be resolved and nice again a little while ago! Where did all this new anger and hatefulness come from?? The things he said in the note in the book and his fb message made me so sad for him too because it is obvious that Satan has a pretty great hold on his heart.
I finally just messaged him back today (three days later), I felt like it was time. And I hoped doing so would help free me of him. I decided if he responds with more crap, I will definitely block him. But I wanted to give him one more chance to let me know he's let it go and isn't mad anymore, I guess. I just hate ending things on a bad note, I think. And the other part is, I have been legitimately afraid of what he might do out of anger, if I block him. Come burn down the house? Stalk me and hurt me? I don't think he really would, but he is mentally unstable to me, has anger issues, and you just never know. So that's the other reason I have waited to message him back, in hopes that he is back in MN by now (he told me a couple weeks ago he's moving back there, and that could we hang out one last time, and I was like um..no. Absolutely not. Are you serious?? But what I actually said was something to the effect of I'm going to have to decline your request to hang out again, I'm sorry. I couldn't believe he thought I would want to see him again. Makes me sick to think of. Or of him trying to hug me. Ugh! But then when I step back and try to see this with an eternal perspective, it makes me quick to let everything go, continue to forgive him, and want to just laugh that everything is so serious and what has happened. But to him I know it's much more serious, because of various things, I'm sure, but partly because of how analytical he is, how invested he apparently was in the relationship, and his OCD. He obsesses about things, which I've gathered is why he can't let this go and move on. So that's hard. But I'm still tired of the blaming and unkind things being said to me.


Update about the mom issue recently:
A couple weeks ago, the night of the Women's Conference, I was feeling very alone in life, because of the Spencer thing I just wished I had someone I could talk to about it, someone of my own. And this began weighing on me heavier and heavier, until that night, I just became very emotional, and I even had to leave the conference for a few min. to pull myself together. On the way home, Mom asked me what was wrong, because Camille had come asked me before we pulled away, and I told her. And she said I could always talk to her, and I said that was the thing, that I didn't feel like I could, that I felt more judged than listened to by her, etc. And it erupted into a big kind of argument, and we got home and neither of us had much more to say it seemed, but it felt very unresolved. That night I still felt like she didn't really want to listen to me, and I was so hurt, partly by something else that was said. I ended up going on an hour long drive, which helped, but I still was very mad and hurt. She tried again to come talk to me, realizing that I had been very offended, and we talked for a bit, I cried a lot, but I still didn't feel really listened to. I felt like she was in a hurry to leave and get it over with. So I was still crushed. We went about the next about 9 days with her trying to be normal and I was still very sad. I couldn't move on. I couldn't talk about day to day things when this big thing hadn't been resolved.

That was on a Sat. night, and the next Tues was Andy's sealing, which I went to, but drove myself, and was really struggling emotionally. I felt alone in my house, and alone in life. That night mom came in my room to talk to me, but to really talk this time. She came in and sat on my bed this time, and we talked for a while. There was much less arguing, and more understanding. I felt like I was able to understand her more, and hopefully she me. It seemed like it. And another issue, of when I came home from my mission and no one ever asked me about it, so I was really quiet and sad for a couple months and they wondered what was wrong..that came up, which for years now I've been hoping to talk about because it was so hurtful to me. And we talked about it, and mom felt really bad about it, because she said she understood feeling hurt by parents, because she still was trying to get over and let go of hurt her parents had caused her growing up. That broke my heart, and I tried asking her about it, and she didn't really want to go into it, more than say how they treated her. That made me so sad. She said she always wanted to be better parents than they were, and thought she and dad have been, but maybe not. I told her they were.
Anyway, we talked for a bit and things seemed okay. I wrote her a note that night and left it in her car to find the next morning thanking her for coming down and sitting and talking to me, that that's all I had wanted. I told her she was a great mom, one of the best, and that I forgave her. She really appreciated the note, which meant a lot to me.
But I just haven't bounced back totally yet. I still feel this sadness, this down-ness. And I'm just not totally sure why. I am tearing up as I speak, but I don't know why. Maybe it really is just PMS.
I told Jamie I'm at a weird place in my life, and I didn't really want to go into details exactly what I meant by that. I just told her (when she asked more what I meant) that I was working through some things. And a lot of it was the mom issue at the time. Which has more or less since resolved. But then there was the Spencer thing. And that I am wanting/needing to do my own thing right now. And more now is this not feeling like I care about anyone. I feel so disconnected from people. There's not really anyone I want to hang out with. Not Jamie, not family, not really anyone. I feel like when I go to work I have to put on a happy face. And usually I am feeling legitimately happy partway through the shift, but not at first. I don't really care to know what's going on in any of my siblings' lives. The other day I thought, I need to do service. Maybe that's what I'm missing. Maybe that will help. And I've also been feeling bad that I haven't reached out to Rosanna and her family for a while, which is because I haven't felt great myself. And when you don't have anything in your own lamp to give, you can't really help others. That's how I've felt. I also had recently heard mom tell someone that they had told someone they no longer needed dinners brought, because the last three had been bad. So I had this idea to make them dinner yesterday (Wed). I didn't really want to, but I had the thought, and I kept thinking about it, and I felt like I should, and that it would be a good thing. I texted Rosanna and she thought that would be great and seemed excited to have me come over. I told her over text that I was sorry I had basically been MIA, and kind of why, that I was dealing with my own issues, which needed to be dealt with, but I felt bad I hadn't really been able to do or be anything for them. She said asked if they were resolving, and asked if it had anything to do with Spence, and I said yes, some. But I was hoping she would ask me about things, about me, which she never really does. Which I shouldn't really blame her for, she is still dealing with losing a son. But I just wish she and I had a better relationship. I ask her about how she is and details and what's going on in their lives, but she doesn't really ask back much. And right now I would really love to talk to her about stuff.
So yesterday I went over, made them dinner, and had to run to my guitar class. But by the time we ate I was kind of grateful to have an excuse to leave, I felt down, I felt uncomfortable, it was kind of awkward. It was a weird feeling. And I was feeling annoyed with the kids. And maybe it was all because I was really tired. But I just wish I felt like Rosanna care enough about my life to ask. So I was pretty bummed when I left that she never did. Even after what I told her over text, which was a little out of my comfort zone, but which I was hoping would help our relationship, and give her encouragement to ask me. And maybe she would have if I was there longer and she had the chance. But the fact that she had even wondered over text if it was the Spencer thing, tells me Mom or Camille or Sally, or all of them, have told her stuff, which is fine, but I wish she would ask me herself and want to talk about how I'm doing.

Anyway, I have to get ready for work. I hope this is just PMS. I have started to wonder if I legitimately need therapy or something, about this Spencer thing, or anything else. I'm just not myself. And I don't love this. And I feel like dating someone could help significantly, but I don't want to only be happy if there's a guy in my life. I don't want to rely on a relationship to do that. That's lame. I've got to be happy again on my own first.