Andy update..I guess I'll date him :)

So Andy and I went out again three nights ago, and in summary, it wasn't a super great date until the end. He came up, picked me up, we went to dinner at this Thai place downtown that he'd heard about, then to the Lower Lights concert at the Masonic Temple downtown. At dinner and then before the concert started, he did most of the talking. He just wasn't as great at conversation as usual. So I was kind of bored and slightly annoyed, not really feeling it by the time the concert started. And then the concert was fine, I don't really love their music, it's a little too folk-y for me, but since it was Christmas songs it was more fun. And some of the songs I liked more than others. So it was enjoyable enough. Andy had his arm around me for about the second half or so, so that made it more enjoyable.
Then we went to my house, where Rosanna and Steve were picking up the kids, who were there while they had been to Steve's work Christmas dinner party. So Rosanna got to meet Andy, and we all just hung out in the kitchen for a few minutes, with the kids and brownies, while Steve and Rosanna were leaving. So that was fun. Then the Kerrs left and we went up to the living room and decided to watch a movie. We watched Day After Tomorrow, which I've always loved, and love watching in the winter, and he hadn't seen it in a while, so that was fun.
For a while, he just had his arm around me, then about half way through he grabbed my hand. One thing I love about Andy is that we don't have to go through the awkwardness of hand on the leg, etc., he just finds it and grabs it. Then towards the end of the movie he turned and hugged me, pulled back and looked at me, and then I just put my hand on the back/side of his head and kissed him. Previous to the date, I anticipated it going well, and that I would be the one to kiss him. I wanted it to be that way. And I didn't plan on doing it until he was leaving or so. But as things often do, they didn't go the way I planned, haha. He was about to kiss me, but I still kind of wanted to be the one to kiss him, maybe it's a control thing, I don't know..ha. So then we were kissing. And it was okay. Much more okay than it had been the first time. And much more welcomed. I was a lot more ready and so it was more enjoyable for me.
He toyed with french kissing, and I could tell he was holding back because I wasn't engaging in it in return. But he kept testing the waters, and it was getting harder and harder to fight it for me. So finally I brought it up and we talked about it. I told him how I felt about it, and asked him how he felt about it, and to his great credit, he just said, "Well, then I think we just shouldn't do it. That we should just stay away from that boundary." I was really impressed, and surprised actually, at his response. Also grateful, because alone I don't think I had the strength to resist it totally. And I was just the slightest bit disappointed, I'll be honest, haha, because it's never affected me in an inappropriate way, but I know it's different for guys. But my respect for him definitely grew, and I feel like we became closer with the decision, and even just because of that communication. So I'm grateful I was given the strength to talk about it.
So we kiss quite a bit, and for a while, chatting here and there between. And it was all good. When I told him toward the beginning to slow down (before the french kissing talk) he said okay, and he did. And even though we did kiss for a long time (he left at about 3 am..:S..neither of us wanted to stop, haha..), I didn't feel like there was anything inappopriate, it was all cute and fun. And after he left we talked on the phone on his way home, so he didn't fall asleep. Which he kind of actually did, TWICE, on the phone, as he was talking to me! That was kind of scary! But he made it.
Then as I went down to my room and was thinking about the night, I wasn't freaking out, and I felt okay about everything. Timing was so much better this time around, and I felt okay about just trying this thing out, dating him, and just seeing what happens.

Jamie's next response to that email chain

(From Jamie, 12/10/13:)

I read this this morning before I went to work.

I loved it. The main reason I loved it is because all of the things you say, I can relate to perfectly and exactly. Because it's how I feel too. You just have a good way of expressing it. So thanks. It means a lot. All the nice things you say about me. It means so much.

You said that you feel like your heart just can't love anymore than it does right now. I read that and I thought, 'yes!' That's it. That's exactly it. Except...then it does. And I'll think, 'I just can't love that girl anymore.' But then I do. It's like things just keep getting better.

You have spoiled me Melissa. You have spoiled me very much because of our relationship. Should I be worried that I'm a little afraid that any other one (I'm thinking specifically with a guy) might be a disappointment? Or just a little bit of a let down? haha. I hope not. But is all I know is that we are a fantastic team.  

And you have taught me a lot too. You know how I feel. I hope you do anyway. Because most of the time I feel like I can't ever show or even find the words to express it. So just know :)

I love you.

Then from me, 12/12/13:

I read this last night during my break at work and I just wanted to say YES. Yes! I totally agree and feel the same way about how you said that you're a little afraid that any other relationship with a guy might be a disappointment or a little bit of a let down, because I have been feeling that way and been a little worried about that lately too! haha. I think we have the same brain.

And I have spoiled you?? YOU have spoiled ME! Oh my, have you. And I agree, we are a fantastic team. 

Anyway, I just had to tell you that. And now I have to go to bed.

Love you!

My orientation experience with preceptors on AIM-A

This is an email I sent to Eddie (nurse educator) today, in response to his request for a blurb to share at the preceptor retreat, or whatever they're having:

All my preceptors have been pretty great. Here's a few things about each one (I hope I got everyone..):

One night when Erin wasn't even precepting me, she came and asked if I wanted to put an IV in one of her patients who had just pulled theirs out. I was so grateful that she would trust me enough to ask me, as well as come find me to do it and let me practice. Then the night she WAS precepting me, we also had an IV to do, and both times she coached me through it so well, letting me do it but helping me where I needed as well. I so appreciated that. Erin is just awesome over all. I could go on about what a great preceptor she was and how much I learned from her, but one thing I most appreciated was how she treated me and talked to me totally as her equal, even though she is so experienced and I am not! :) 

Malisa has been my main preceptor, and she has been awesome as well. I love how chill she is, yet a really great nurse and very thorough and really good at time management. She is so good with the patients, so compassionate, empathetic, and really personable. She's also really easy to be around and is never (or at least never showed it if she was..) annoyed at my million questions. She is always willing to take the time to answer them and teach me what I need to know. I definitely appreciate that! Oh, and she also got me addicted to whole almonds, which I'll never forget her for.. :)

Andrea was my preceptor just for one day, and she was fantastic. She let me do my own thing mostly, so I wasn't around her a ton that day, but she was always available if I needed, and made sure I had help if I needed. She also is a great teacher, made sure any questions I had got answered, and always answered them in a way that was simple and easy to understand. She is a great teacher. She's also a great nurse, very personable, and extremely thorough!

Bill was a great preceptor, he is a great nurse, knows what he is doing, and is thorough as well. Something that Bill did that I really appreciated on the night that he precepted me was when we had some down time, he quizzed me on where to find certain things in different resources online. I really appreciated that because I learned a lot just from the few things he quizzed me on, like how to find answers to questions in Krames, etc. Things that I'd been shown in orientation and such, but that I didn't necessarily remember how to do. He also was really good to ask me at the beginning of the shift what load I had taken on so far, and gave me enough patients that I felt comfortable with, but that also stretched me a little bit. I appreciated that, he was really nice about it.

Chelsie is one of the most thorough and efficient nurses I've ever been around! She is a great nurse, gets things done quickly, manages her time really well, but also makes sure she her patients are taken care of and doing okay. One day when she was precepting me, she made sure I had any help I needed and kept checking on me, but also let me do things on my own as much as I could, which I really appreciated. Oh, and something Chelsie taught me was to be efficient in shift report and go in order on the sheet. She corrected me when I didn't do it that way, and I really appreciated that she was willing to point that out and teach me, because it was such a simple thing, but I feel like it's made a big difference.

Tye precepted me once and she is awesome! I could basically say almost the same things about everyone who precepted me, and this is probably sounding repetitive, but I really appreciate how patient Tye is and will take the time to answer questions and teach you anything if you don't know. She also is really good at making you feel comfortable and like you are one of her peers. Tye is a great nurse. 

Hope that helps! :)

Melissa Gurr

Oh, PS. I thought of something else that would be beneficial to add to the 6-week orientation process or whatever. But to make and hand out a one-page tutorial on Kronos. How to look at your schedule, how to request time off, how to self-schedule, etc. I'm still just figuring all that out, so I would actually still love a copy, but I think that would be really good to have at the beginning. 

PPS. Thanks for taking the time to chat with me the other day and get my input and thoughts about stuff. And specifically, thanks for showing me all that stuff about timecards. I really appreciated that you would be willing to do that, especially on your own timecard. 

Next email: 

Oh, I just remembered one more! One night Malisa got called off, so Jackie (I know there's multiple Jackie's, but I don't know her last name!) was then kind of over me. It was only for about half the shift, and it was a pretty easy going night, but she was so great to be nearby and available to help anytime I needed. She always asked if I needed any help, and was very willing to do anything for me or show me stuff, and seemed very happy to do so. And I don't know if I've emphasized this enough, but anytime any nurse is willing to answer my questions or show me something, and with a happy attitude, it means the world, because I already feel like a burden, not knowing so much, and everyone has been so patient and understanding and kind about helping me in any way, which I can't say enough about. It has made the orientation process and being new so much less daunting! So make sure the preceptors know how great they've been. :)

a hiccup with Jamie, then better friends than ever

Jamie and I just went through a rough patch, but thankfully it only lasted about a full day. I love her to death, more than ever. But here are the emails that transpired through it.

From me:

Hey,

So I wanted to try to explain why what you said last night was hard to hear. 

That night, the night of the movie, is not a good memory for me, and for multiple reasons. But one was that because I chose to go talk to Cheryl before the movie, I lost out on an opportunity to get to know someone I've wanted to. Because of that, I felt a lot of regret after. So yeah, I was bummed about not getting to sit by Brad, but it was more the opportunity lost, previous to the seating arrangement being changed, and I felt like that was my fault. So the rest of the night I was kicking myself for it. 

Then there were other things that just added, and at the end of the night I was embarrassed about my reaction to how the night went, but it definitely wasn't just the Brad thing. He's not what caused the tears. It was a rough night for multiple reasons (the movie itself was one, it really messed with my emotions, like a very real bad dream, it really affected me, which I honestly think is partly why I was so emotional the rest of the night. Kind of lame, but true.). Which I know is hard to imagine when you were being given attention from a great guy all night, so it's okay.. ;)

So then when you joked last night about me "pouting" over not getting to sit by Brad, I was shocked and kind of crushed, and felt embarrassed that I must have looked like a blubbering fool or something over him. But I didn't really know what to say or think. I already felt vulnerable about what happened the movie night, and I suddenly felt kind of judged, after trusting and confiding in you about my emotions that night, which is hard for me to do, it's not something I'm usually proud of. And like I said, I just didn't know where that comment had come from, but I figured there must be something that brought it on, which is why I started wondering if you had been frustrated at me about the movie night. And it's totally fine if you were or ever have been! You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but I wish that you would tell me. You make me spit things out that are hard to say (which is usually a good thing), but you always just say that you aren't ever mad at me, that I never do things that make you mad. But it's just hard to believe sometimes. And it's fine if you are! Be mad at me once in a while (I say this somewhat lightly, but also seriously :)! Be annoyed! I know I have tons of flaws that probably ARE annoying and frustrating to people, especially to those I'm around all the time, who see the good and the bad, like you--I certainly cause you plenty of grief, I'm sure. I just wish you wouldn't say you really never are if you are occasionally. 

But all that being said, the whole rest of the night last night (and this morning) I was praying, pleading to be able to let it go. To just let it go. After all, it was just one little comment, right? Even though I was kind of hurt, I was also irritated at myself that it affected me like it did. 

So please know that I still love you, and you are still my best friend. I think it's because of this that I just needed you to know. I'm not mad at you, and I'll be fine, and I think we'll be fine too, I just needed you to know.

I really do still love you, a ton

Melissa

Then, from Jamie (she's a saint):

Hey,

I hope I can convey all the thoughts and feelings that I have had today, and specifically in response to this e-mail. 

First of all, thank you for expressing these things to me. I hope you always feel like you can be honest with me without being judged or feeling embarrassed. You don't know how awful it has made me feel to think that you feel like you couldn't confide in me. Being able to share things with you and have you do the same is something I cherish very very much about our friendship. I never want to jeopardize that, and I would never ever want you to feel that you couldn't trust me with your feelings and emotions. And I am so sorry about last night, and also if there have ever been instances in the past where I have made you feel bad in any way.

My comment was meant in a teasing way. But that doesn't make up for the fact that it struck a sensitive spot. I wouldn't have ever even joked about it if I knew or understood how it would effect you, or all that you were going through the night of the movie. I meant what I said last night, and I hope you believe me that I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt you.

I'm sorry that things were rough for you that night. I don't know all the reasons behind that besides the ones that you mentioned, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But don't think that I didn't notice that something was wrong. I am always very aware of you. It doesn't matter who I'm with, or what's going on. I always think of you and worry how my decisions or actions affect you. I worried about you during the whole movie. I was worried that you felt left out because I was sitting by Pat, so I wanted to make sure you didn't feel like a third wheel, and tried to include you, even though I felt like my attempts were in vain (granite it's hard to have much conversation during a movie). But it was really important to me that you had fun. That night was supposed to be for you. I just wanted things to go well, and I felt bad that they didn't work out as well as they maybe could have. But I never once thought you looked like a 'blubbering fool' over Brad. To be honest, I hadn't even thought much about that night since. That's the truth. And again, one of the reasons I am kicking myself for making that stupid comment, because no, I wasn't frustrated at you. Nothing brought what I said on, and it didn't come from anything, except the fact that I knew you were bummed because you didn't get the chance to get to visit with him more. That's all.

I will always be honest with you. I don't usually hold things back or keep my feelings from you. If there have been moments of frustration or hurt, they have been brief. And then they have been gone. I don't hold onto things. I can't. Because it's just not worth it. There is no feeling that matters more than my relationship with someone. It affects me a lot when I have done something to someone I care about, and I want to do anything I can to make it right. I don't know if you really comprehend how much you mean to me. Everything just seems pretty trivial compared to how much I care about you. You say that it's hard to believe that I don't get mad or annoyed at you more often because you have tons of flaws (really?) But I'm sorry to tell you that it's true. Do you remember what I wrote you in your birthday card? I love everything about you. There is not one thing that I don't love about you.

You mentioned that it was just one little comment. But it wasn't. And it hurt. And I can understand why it affected you, and I don't think you should be irritated at yourself for that.

Melissa, you are my best friend. You mean the world to me. No one else compares to you, do you know that? You have been one of the biggest blessings in my life, and came at a time when I needed you the most. I've never told you that I don't think, but you were an answer to my prayers. And you have done more for me and been a better friend to me than I could even imagine or hope for.

I love you.

Jame

Then from me, just now (a couple days later):

So I wrote most of this at work on Sun, during my break, on my phone, and hadn't finished it til now. Just fyi.:)

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I really did appreciate you telling me you were a little (maybe a lot) frustrated at me the other day as well. You were completely entitled to being, I would have been too. And I don't think I ever said it, but I'M sorry for making you frustrated. And then you were so humble about everything I threw at you, and you just let me express my feelings, and you took it so well, so so well, as well as understood and still loved me. Again, I so SO appreciated that, and was just in awe at how humble and meek you have been about the whole thing.
I just re-read this email and it made my day again. I feel like this heart of mine just can't love you anymore than I do right now. That's why I started crying yesterday in the car (initially), because of how touched I was when you were talking about how much you care about me, as well as how much I care about you. Last night after I went home I was thinking about how we both said we could just live happily together for the rest of our lives. And first of all, I think it's crazy that even one of us could say that, let alone both of us. And also, I began to think that if that were really the plan for us, I mean if never getting married in this life meant that I got to just hang out with you through the rest of mortality, I honestly would be fine with that. It would be such a blast, always. Which totally fathoms me that I could feel that way about someone, because I get sick of people.. :) 

Anyway, I can't remember what else I had wanted to include in this when I started writing it, but just know that through this experience, and SO many others, pretty much just our relationship in general, you have taught me, and continue to teach me how to have a good relationship. I have learned more about being in a relationship, and in a successful one, from you, than from anyone else in my life. And I feel like that is huge and a huge blessing to me, especially for if/when marriage ever comes along. I doubt I've ever told you that, but I think it all the time.

Alright, that's it for now. I love you.

Melissa

I went over to their house (Jamie and Wendy's) last night after work, and they were there with their boys (Rob and Pat, who just entered the picture recently, still a new thing, but Pat and Jamie will probably date), and I thought there would at least be someone else over, but nope, apparently no one they invited came, so I was definitely the 5th wheel. But it actually turned out okay. It was a really fun night. At first I felt kind of out of place, being the odd wheel, but they all just were so entertained by me, and I felt so loved and wanted. And after the boys went home I stayed and hung out for a while, and Jamie and Wendy were both saying just how fun I am, and how fun I am to have around. And that I liven things up when I come. That totally just makes my day and means the world to me. Especially when I felt like the odd one out. 
Then, Wendy fell asleep on the couch and Jamie and I were just on the bean bag sharing a blanket, talking and laughing for a while, and it is just so fun with her. I have never had a friend like her, never imagined I'd have a best friend like her. She is absolutely amazing and I love her so much. We have a very unique and special relationship, and I am SO so grateful for it. We are so close, there just aren't words to describe. And it kind of kills me that we are both supposed to still get married. Because, like I referred to in my email to her, we both told each other the other day that we really would be happy with each other for the rest of our lives. And we would, and it would be an amazing life together. And I don't mean that in a weird way at all. We're both very straight, but we're just so close. If one of us was a boy we'd get married, no doubt. And so it really does make it hard, to think of ever not being like this, of one or both of us dating someone seriously and getting married. I hope and pray it happens for both of us at the same time, but if it doesn't, as it seems like it might happen for her first right now, it will be hard. And we've discussed how the transition, for one or both of us, will be hard, it just will. We've talked about it a couple times at least. And it will, even if we both get married, leaving this part of our lives and not spending so much time together will be really hard. She is my best friend, my other half. We are so close, I can't even describe. I would give my life for her in a second, and I know she would do the same for me. We do so much for each other. I love her so much. And it's honestly hard to imagine being this close to anyone else ever, especially a guy. Both being girls, we understand each other so well, which I think is a lot of why we are so close.
Anyway, I could talk about Jamie and how much I love her all day, but I need to go to sleep. :)
Goodnight!

Andy: slow but good--old and new posts

11/7/13

Man, I need to write everyday.

Ok, so the update on Andy—

About a week and a half ago, Jamie and I got a group of friends together and we went to Frightmares, with the coupons we got at the State Fair, the night we met her Tinder Michael. I invited Andy, and he came, and it was a lot of fun! The whole night was way fun, with everyone that came, and I love Lagoon! We mostly all stayed together as a group, but at the end, when there was about an hour left, most wanted to go on the ride ____, but I didn’t because I knew it would make me sick, and Andy didn’t really want to either, I think for the same reason. Plus, I really wanted to go through at least one haunted house before we left, we were at Frightmares, after all. So Andy and I headed to one of the haunted house lines while everyone else went on some more rides. And it was fun. I didn’t necessarily really want to be alone with him, it had been so fun to just have him along with the whole group, to just hang out with him in that type of situation. No pressure, just fun. But while we were in line we just chatted, played some “line” games (totally wasted him in my favorite game, where you can only touch hands and try to knock each other over), and toward the end of our wait he hugged me. He really likes to hug me, and with good long hugs. Which normally are nice, in general, but I didn’t really want that with him, at that time. So I just made sure to make it short.:)

Anyway, I held on to him through the haunted house (I probably would have held on to whoever was next to me, right?), which I’m sure he loved, and with his other hand he was trying to keep my hand on his arm warm—probably trying to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t open my fingers..poor guy. J But as soon as we were out of the haunted house we parted, I totally let go. That was the end of Frightmares, because now it was 10 pm when it closed, so I looked at my phone and someone had texted me to just meet at the entrance now.

We all stopped at In-N-Out on the way home, got some food and shakes, and then headed back to Jamie and Wendy’s. We all (Jamie, Wendy was there, Mark, Tron, Andy, me) hung out down in their apt for a bit, and laughed and laughed and laughed. I think we were all so tired that we were SO loopy and were just cracking up at everything, it was hilarious! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Mark was losing it, he was telling so many funny stories, including his accidental "man date" with his roommate, that ended in them watching Twilight, haha!!! And how he through away all his Ambien pills, but the other night he was desperate, and remembered there were still some in the trash, and so he got one out!! He was squealing with his hand over his mouth, he was laughing so hard, it was so funny!
Eventually, I called it a night, I still had to go help Paul, and Andy left with me, he still had to drive home to Provo. So we went out, and long story short, we were hugging goodbye at his car, and after a couple long hugs, he kissed me! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN. I guess I gave up dodging the kiss, it's really hard to dodge a kiss when you are the same height! Haha..but seriously. But I only let it last about 5-10 seconds, because it's not what I wanted at that time. I wasn't ready to commit to him like that, and yeah, it was fun, and I kind of would have loved to keep kissing him, but it would have been just to kiss. I wasn't feeling that way toward him yet, I wasn't ready to be exclusive.
We hugged some more, chatted, hugged some more, about my family Halloween party the next day and what I was going to wear (my awesome Mario costume I got at Thriftown), and then parted and left. Andy texted me that night after he got home and said, "Hey I'm sorry. That wasn't fair and I know you weren't ready for that. I had a way good time with you and I should have just let you go with a hug."
I told him it was fine, with a smiley face, and thanked him for understanding.

12/6/13
So I wrote all that about a month ago, and here's the quick update: after not seeing him for almost a month, I started wanting to, so I asked him, via fb message, if he was still interested in ever going out again. He said yes so we went out that weekend, which was 2 weeks ago. He came up here, we grabbed dinnner at Zupas (my third time eating there that week), went to the Wilford Stake play "Fiddler on the Roof," and then stopped at Dan's on our way home so I could buy hot chocolate, which we made here at home, and watched Studio C videos online for about 2 hours. Ha! It was really fun though, he kept his cool all night, didn't try anything crazy, wasn't all over me like he has been in the past, just put his arm around me every now and then through the play, rubbed my back once when I was leaning forward (LOVED), and then at home he kept his arm around me while we watched Studio C videos, but kind of just casually, nothing crazy, with squeezing or anything, like it's been like before. And we just laughed and laughed and laughed, watching the videos, oh my, they are so funny. So it was really fun, really easy to be with him that night. And the hug goodbye was good, and he didn't try to kiss me or anything, which I was really grateful for. And he asked me when he could see me again, to which I said, "whenever," but he was going to Canada the next weekend for Thanksgiving. We chatted some over the next few days, my birthday was two days before Thanksgiving, which he didn't know until the day of, and I invited him up for dinner and/or dessert, but it was ironically his sister's birthday as well. So he didn't come, which I was more bummed about than I thought I would be. It was kind of surprising.
But then our communication was very minimal over the next (or the past) week and a half. He never asked about my birthday or how it went, asked a little about my Thanksgiving, but then wasn't initiating much conversation when I was asking him about his trip to Canada and such. So I stopped. So for almost a week we haven't talked, and I figured he had lost interest. But he actually just texted me today, so we'll see what happens.

Great couple of shifts on AIM-A

I worked yesterday and today, and I am in week 5 of orientation (U of U Hospital), I think. Yesterday I was with Chelsie again, this time a full 12 hr shift, which I was kind of dreading, but it turned out so good! Night and day difference from the other day when I was with her. She had me take all 4 of our pts, and the day went by so fast because of that, it was so great!
Then today I was with Andrea, who I love as a nurse, and an orienter! She was so great! And the day was so great, for so many reasons:
-I felt cute
-Although at the beginning of the shift I was a little self conscious of my hair, mostly because Cody, that cute nurse (who I think, am hoping, is LDS..) who I'm becoming friends with, was there (had worked the night), and was around me, giving some of his patients to us. Anyway, these two girls, lab techs or phlebotomists, I think, randomly said to me, "Your hair is really cute!" I was just sitting at a computer, listening to someone else conversation behind me, and I turned around as they are saying this to me, and it totally made my day!
-I only had 2 pts at first, but was able to stay on top of things with just 2, and felt much more organized than I did yesterday with all 4
-I did the whole discharge process today for the first time, with one of my pts, and am so happy that I know that now
-I took 2 admits, and basically admitted them all myself (with help on the first one from Andrea). Again, I am so thrilled to feel like I know the processes of admitting and discharging now, and am not afraid of those! Yay!
-Andrea was an awesome orienter. She is a great nurse, really chill, a great teacher, answered all my questions, taught me things in a way that is so easy to understand, was willing to help me with anything anytime, and always made sure I was doing okay, but left me to my own to take care of my pts. It was such a great shift!
-Cody worked again tonight, which I knew he did b/c I asked him this morning if he was back tonight, so I was looking forward to seeing him again all day, and I did. Unfortunately he wasn't taking any of my pts, a couple of Andrea's, but for the first time I didn't accompany my nurse to give report on her pts, I think because I really hadn't helped her at all with her two. And I was working on some last minute charting too. He and I didn't really talk, but I smiled at him, and it was fun to at least see him. He is very cute. I hope he has a little longer on our floor (he's from Resource, just assigned to our floor for a little while).
-The two people that texted me while I was at work were Jamie and Andy, the two people I would have loved a text from most. I went out with Andy the other night, he came up here and we went to dinner, the Wilford stake play, and then came home here and had hot chocolate and watched Studio C vidoes on youtube for a while after. It was really fun and comfortable, a great date. So I've been more fond of him lately and was happy that he texted me today.
-I don't have to work tomorrow
-And IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!! I'm turning 27, which is so weird. So old. Yet, not. Last night Wendy was like, "you are so young. SO young." I feel old, but she is 32. That's a little rough, I'm sure. To still be single. But life sure doesn't happen how you always plan, that's for sure. I definitely never thought I'd still be single as I turned 27. Yet it's also weird to think of being married..

Things are much better, I am coping better, haha

So Jamie and I got through this last week successfully. I am doing much better now, I think I was partly just on my period and having an emotional couple of days, and that just exacerbated my emotional state. But after a couple days, and staying at Rosanna's house making our gingerbread creation for the Festival of Trees (good to get my mind off everything, get out of my head, and do something totally fun and distracting with Rosanna), I felt much better about everything. I took Jamie to Shiver's that Tues night and we got shakes and food, my treat, and then we went and hung out at her house. I ended up staying over, we watched the 3rd and 4th discs of North and South, watched highlights of The Voice that I had missed, and then stayed awake for hours in her bed talking. Greatly about how hard it has been for both of us when the other has seemingly started to date someone. We both have felt the exact same. We talked about how we could possibly make it easier, but how it also will probably just be hard, when one or both of us really starts dating someone seriously. It will be good, and we know it's a good thing and what we want, but it's certainly going to be an adjustment, regardless. We basically do everything together, and we rarely go a day without seeing each other. And if we don't see each other, we most definitely are texting at least. I love her so much, there just aren't words to describe. When I wrote on here a while ago and said I hope she gets married first, that's still true (if we can't get married at the same time), but I said it was partly because I feel like I can be happy single easier than she can. Not in a bad way, I just think it's true. But I have since changed my mind. I wasn't very good at all last week at being happy feeling single and alone, without her. It was really hard. And again, I think I was emotional anyway which made it seem worse, but I do think, and know, that it's going to be hard, not spending this much time together eventually.
I told her that night in her bed, that if it weren't for the marriage thing being a commandment and what not, I really feel like we could be happy like this for a long long time. Just being best friends and traveling and stuff together, for years. We have that much fun together. And she agreed.
It is an amazing relationship we have, I've never had a best friend like her, or a relationship like this. It's hard to imagine being this close to a guy, close enough to want to marry them.
I just love her.

Jamie's new boyfriend. This is hard.

So Jamie and I have become better friends than I ever could have imagined. She is definitely my best friend, but the best best friend that I've ever had. We practically do everything together, I pretty much never get sick of her, she has a way of cheering me up when I'm in a bad mood (hard to do) and getting me out of my funk, and she is the most considerate, thoughtful person I think I have ever personally known. She's amazing, and she's amazing to me.
A while ago, in fact I think I wrote about this, I felt like I would be fine when she started dating someone, and I hoped that she would first because I felt like I was better able to be happy alone than she is, and I didn't think it would be super hard for me.
Well, turns out I was wrong. She's been starting to date this guy, Paul, from Tinder, but just on Saturdays. He's so busy with full time school and work that that's the only day he can go out. And they seems to really click and he sounds like a pretty good guy (besides his lack of making any phone calls to her on his own..we still are trying to look past it. But it's annoying.). They went out on date #4 last night, and I went to bed (semi) early, due to having to work again today, 12 hour shift, and as I was going to sleep, it just hit me that this might be it, and I started to silently cry. Only a few few tears, for I quickly pulled myself together and went to sleep, but I have been realizing the last few days and little while that when she starts dating someone seriously, or now I'm realizing at all maybe, it's going to be really hard for me.
Tonight on my way home from work I was going to stop at her (and Wendy's) apt, like I have a couple times already after work, to hear about the date last night and catch up (haven't seen her since Friday, which seems like forever since we usually see each other every day, or nearly). But she said she would talk to me in just a bit (in response to my text asking her what she was doing as I was leaving work). And as I was driving home, it hit me again, that when she starts really dating him, or anyone, it will be really hard for me. And I began to cry again, and pray to Heavenly Father, asking Him to help me cope and get through it, and to help me be so happy for her.

I just heard from her again, a few hours later, and Paul had in fact come over to her apt and finally kissed her. This is really exciting, and I'm totally faking being excited (via texting her right now), but I'm struggling right now. This is really hard. It's hard not to be jealous. She has so much fun with him, loves being with him, and it has been sooo long since I've met an eligible guy that I can say that about. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I'm never going to get married. That I'm never going to find a guy that is impressive and that I love spending time with and just want to be with all the time, AND am attracted to. For example, there's still Andy, and I think he is still interested in dating if I wanted to (right now we just message every now and then on fb), and he's a really impressive guy, but I don't know if he's someone I could want to be with all the time and love spending time with, as well as sometimes I'm not sure how physically attractive he is to me. Sometimes I feel like that combo is next to impossible. And some days that's fine. But right now that's really discouraging.

I pray that I can be happy for Jamie, even if I have to fake it for a while. Because I think this may only get harder. But I love her so much and she wants this so bad, and she deserves it. She will make an incredible wife, and an amazing mother. And I want her to get to enjoy those blessings.
But the selfish part of me wants us to both just stay single and like this forever, because we are so close and have SO much fun together.

This is hard.

Great (orientation) shift!

This is my 3rd Sunday in a row that I've had to work a 12-hour shift, and I still have 2 more in a row,.....wait, I just realized I only have one more and then I get a Sunday off..! Yes!!
Anyway, I don't love working Sundays, obviously, but there are good things about working them: less people on the floor (no admin, etc), you can park anywhere (on weekends--awesome), things like that.
Today I was with Malisa again, who I've actually come to really like as my main preceptor for orientation at the U (hospital). She's been really great. She's been good at letting me do more and more. So things were great with her, she had me take 3 out of our 5 patients, which was the first time I've taken 3 on a day shift, and things went really well! I felt like I was able to stay on top of things more than I ever have (which wasn't completely, but it was progress..!), I felt like I did and asked things to the patients out of my own critical thinking (i.e. "When was the last time you bathed..?"), and I got to take the Sacrament! I happened to catch these two guys, dressed in suits, clearly the Mormons taking the Sacrament around, and we went in the break room and they both said a prayer and administered it to me. It was pretty neat, and I was really grateful. Turns out they will come do that each week around 11:30, I guess. Hopefully I can catch them again this next Sunday.
There were other great things...oh, I finally faced my fear of good looking guys, and met this other new nurse that's been on the floor. Cody. Turns out he's actually really nice and friendly. And he graduated from the U just the semester before me, in May. And now I feel like we are friends. I hope I see him more, I liked him.
And everyone working that shift was great, really friendly. Colline, my favorite aide, was working, and on our end! And she had all my patients, loved that. Oh, and after I didn't get to try starting an IV on another nurse's patient because Erin, the charge nurse, beat me to it (she didn't know I wanted to try), Malisa let me practice on her, and I got it in right away! She was so great to let me practice.
It was just a really great day, gave me hope that one day I can be on my own, and made me really glad I am a nurse. I am really liking my job! Oh, AND we left before 8! Wow!!

My first IV

Guess what! I started my first IV on a real patient at my first real job last night! And I got it in on the first attempt! It was so exciting!!
Bill was my orienter last night, and he was great to coach me through it, and the patient was so great too, to be patient as I was getting it in. I've had him three days now this week, and he's great, I really like the guy (George Coles).

My good day

Things that made my day today:
-Jacqueline Hoof texting me (and Michelle Fortune, who also knows about this new fun saga) a screen shot of she and "Gym Boy" texting and of him saying they should hang out sometime. I'm so excited for her!!! He is this guy she used to always see at the gym, and never had the guts to talk to him, and then didn't see him for a long time, and then randomly came across his profile pic on facebook, so she was telling Michelle and I about this after Sac. mtg. a few weeks ago, and I told her she should message him. Why not? Nothing to lose. So after some encouragement, and bravery on her own part, she did, right there with us sitting there. And finally he messaged her back like a week or two after that, and they've been having good conversation since then, and now they are going to do something tomorrow! And I'm so excited for her because she is one awesome girl, and has been going through a LOT of hard things for the last while, with seemingly no break from it all, and she just really needed something like this, and I just really wanted something good to happen with this guy. And it is! So happy for her!
-Garrett Glissmeyer messaged me on fb saying, "Hey! How are you doing? I just wanted to say hi and that you are cute :) "
So then I was like, "Hey hey! Haha, thanks, you are so nice! What brought this on..?
I'm doing great! I actually just got a full-time job up here at the U Hospital, which I start next week, so probably won't be coming down there to work...(sorry.. But how are you? What's the latest? How's the business going now?

And he said back (among other stuff), "Hah! What brought that on? Just saw a picture of you and was like wow... shes really cute

Congrats on the job at the U! That is awesome! Are you working graves as a newbie? "

Talk about totally making my day!! I'm still surprised and so flattered. Garrett is a very good looking man himself.

I said back to him after that, "Well, Mr. Glissmeyer, you sir have made my day.

Thanks! Yeah, I'm pretty excited! I'll be working a schedule of rotating days and nights, so not all nights, at least, which is nice. And I'm still wondering about your door business..how's it going?"

-Saw Sherilyn from the Red Balloon days at the temple, chatted with her. She is much friendlier than I ever remember her being when I worked there. I like her.

-Good flu shot clinic at the pediatric doctor's office. Lots of kids/families, it went by fast. Funny kid (9 yr old I think) who was soooo nervous and so funny. His trick was to "blow on a band aid." That's what psyched him out to not feel the pain. When I did it though, he said it didn't even hurt. THAT makes my day, when someone is so nervous to get a shot, adult or child alike, and then they don't even feel it. I love that. Totally gives me a high. :)

Been thinking about Andy a bunch still, maybe more the past couple days. I'm excited to see him on Friday, he's coming to Frightmares with us, we're just getting a big group together and going because we (Jamie and I) have coupons. I really would love things to work out with him, he's so great and he would always treat me very well and take really good care of me. And I've actually gotten past the height thing. Now it's just whether or not there are personality differences that break it for me. And there may be (his slight dorkiness..), or there may not be. Only time will tell. And spending time with him when I'm not dead tired. 

My current resume, as I applied for nursing jobs. For archiving purposes :)

Melissa Gurr

2980 South 2300 East  ~  SLC, UT 84109

801-503-1252  ~  melissagurr@gmail.com

Education

Bachelor of Science in Nursing                                                                                   August 2013

University of Utah, Salt Lake City, UT                                                                       

Bachelor of Science in Exercise Science                                                                     August 2011

Brigham Young University-Provo

Nursing Capstone—Bone Marrow Transplant Unit                                       May-August 2013

LDS Hospital

·         Conducted head to toe assessments, noting concerning changes in the patient’s condition

·         Administered medications ordered by physician

·         Performed additional skills including central line dressing changes, enteral tube feeds, IV medication therapy, and assisting with blood transfusions and stem cell transplants.

·         Documented patient assessment findings, physical/psychosocial responses to nursing intervention and progress towards problem resolution to evaluate effectiveness of interventions and make changes accordingly.

·         Taught individualized patient/family education

Certifications

CNA—May 2006

CPR, BLS—Aug. 2011

OSHA/HIPAA—May 2013

Clinical Experience in Nursing School

University of Utah Hospital                                                                                     Aug-Nov 2012

Med/Surg

·         Performed head-to-toe  assessments on patients

·         Administered medications in a timely manner

·         Performed initial intravenous therapy

·         Used therapeutic communication to decrease patients’ anxiety and gain trust.

Veterans Affairs (VA) Psychiatric Unit                                                                  Jan-Feb 2013

Psychiatry

·         Utilized therapeutic communication during milieu to assess health teaching needs, facilitate development of social skill, and foster stress management activities.

·         Participated in group activities to build a therapeutic relationship

·         Taught an educational group meeting

·         Performed assessments on patients to help identify their progress and find out additional needs

Primary Children’s Medical Center                                                                      Feb-April 2013

Pediatrics

·         Prepared and comforted the child before procedures through therapeutic communication and distraction to decrease anxiety and build trust

·         Administered medications in a timely manner

·         Performed head-to-toe assessments on patients, noting anything abnormal to report

·         Monitored vitals monitors, maintaining awareness of changes in patient’s condition

·         Assisted in the surgical recovery unit

Clinical Work Experience

n  Personal Aide, SLC, UT (current)

CNA for a quadriplegic patient, Feb 2013-present

            Paul Roberts, 801-597-6371

n  Courtyard at Jamestown Assisted Living, Provo, UT

-Personal Assistant (for the whole facility), Nov 2011-May 2012

-CNA, May 2007-Feb 2008; also Feb 2010-May 2012

                        Supervisor: Todd Cope, Director of Nursing, 801-377-3730

n  Brighton Gardens Assisted Living, SLC, UT

            CNA, Nov 2009-Jan 2010

n  Highland Care Center, Salt Lake City, UT

            CNA, May 2006-Jan 2007

Other Healthcare Experience

·         Gave shots at a Flu Shot Clinic (as a nursing student), 3 hours, Fall 2012

·         ­­­Shadowed a physician assistant and a pediatrician, Summer 2011

            Utah Valley Pediatrics, Provo, UT; 15 hours

·         Pediatric Unit Volunteer, Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, Provo, UT; each Saturday for 4 hrs. May-July2007

Other Work Experience

n  Especially For Youth (EFY), San Antonio, TX

            Church camp counselor for youth ages 14-18, July-Aug 2010

            The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

n  The Tutoring Connection, Pleasant Grove, UT

Marketing Representative, February-May 2007; Math, English, and Speech Tester, May-August 2007

n  The Red Balloon Toy Store, Salt Lake City/Orem, UT

            Sales Clerk, Customer Service; January 2003-April 2006

n  Los Hermanos El Grande, Salt Lake City, UT

            Busser for family owned restaurant, January 1996-June 1999 (age 10-13)

Volunteer Experience

Therapeutic Recreations And Independent Lifestyles (TRAILS)—Community program through the University of Utah for those with spinal cord injury; June 2012-Aug 2013, approx. 2 hrs per week

United Way: Sub for Santa, Nov. 2006, Nov. 2011

Operations Team member for Foundations of Leadership (BYU freshman leadership camp), August 2011

Brigham Young University Student Service Association (BYUSA), August 2010-April 2011

Church Mission, March 2008-September 2009, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Nashville, Tennessee; 18 months, full-time

Childcare volunteer, Friday’s Kids Respite, Provo, UT, Fall 2007

Leadership

-Program Director for True Blue Tuesdays, a weekly BYUSA program (student leadership and service association at BYU), August 2010-April 2011

-Y Group Leader, New Student Orientation, BYU; Twice for two days each, June and August 2011

-Church leadership, variety of assignments, consistently since age 13, including president of a women’s organization (2007-08, also 2011)

-Seminary Council, Olympus High School, SLC, UT; 2004-05

Honors and Awards

College of Nursing Scholarship, Fall 2012, Spring 2013, Summer 2013

Dean’s List, University of Utah; every semester of nursing school, 2012-2013 (four semesters)

Service Learning Scholar, University of Utah, 2013

Extra Curricular

Basic Spanish for Medical Personnel, course completed July 2013

Member of National Student Nurses Association (NSNA)

References

Paul Roberts, current boss (quadriplegic)

801-597-6371

Kim Franson, Capstone Preceptor

RN at LDS Hospital BMT Unit

801-450-6715, kim.franson@imail.org

Theresa Bernal, Clinical Instructor

RN, University of Utah

435-714-1682, theresa.bernal@nurs.utah.edu

Marianne Hohrein, former boss

(former) Executive Director, Courtyard at Jamestown Assisted Living

801-377-3730 (this number may not be current, but it’s the only contact I have for her)

Todd Cope, RN; former boss

(former) Director of Nursing, Courtyard at Jamestown Assisted Living

801-377-3730 (this number may not be current, but it’s the only contact I have for him)

Gary Hutchings, Mission President

801-960-5570

Known since August 2008

Andy update: I actually have been missing him. Aaaand...getting excited about Spring 2014 NYC/DC trip..

So Andy and I talked last night, and I told him honestly how I was feeling, and that basically I wasn't feeling it so much anymore. But he's so great, and I was feeling it before, so I was willing to still give it a shot and not totally bag the whole thing. I was so grateful and appreciative of how understanding he was of my feelings and the situation, and impressed with how he handled it and responded in such a mature way.
So we basically decided to just step waaayyy back, go out with other people, and do something fun in the next week or two and see how that goes.

After the phone call I felt so relieved, and didn't have much of any desire to see him that bad, necessarily. Lincoln's baby blessing was today (the next day), and I had considered inviting him, just as a good friend, but thought I'd wait and see how I felt after the phone call. I didn't have any desire to invite him, so I didn't.
But by the end of the night, as Jamie, Wendy, and I were watching North and South, for example, I started missing him and kind of wishing he was there. And then today, I thought about him a bunch, and was kind of missing him today too. We had an amazing meal at Camille's after the blessing, and I was wishing I had a friend there with me to enjoy it, like Andy, or Jamie or someone. But I think I really would have enjoyed having Andy there, as a good friend. I like him a lot as a person, and I think it's safe to say we have become good friends. I care about him and enjoy being around him.
So I kind of want to do something with him sooner rather than later, for fun. Like go to a haunted house or corn maze, or rock climbing even. That was so fun with him on that 2nd date! I really like rock climbing. Camille suggested we come over for a game night sometime. That would be fun too.

In other news, Shannon was at the blessing today, she had brought Grandma, and she is back home for a couple semesters while she is getting her BSN in nursing, so that she can more easily get a job. She and Justin, her husband, live in NYC, 4 blocks from Times Square!! So cool! I have wanted to take a trip to NYC and DC for a while, and now that I'm finally out of school and making money, I really want to go and am planning on it next Spring. Jamie and Wendy are totally in, and I think it will be a blast! So I was talking a lot about New York with Shannon, and it just sounds like a total adventure living out there. Except that their rent is $2375!!!!!! Holy cow!!!!! That is crazy!! But it's working out for them and they really like it out there. And Shannon really thinks it will be fun for us to come out, and she was even willing to put us up at night, in their studio apt!! Haha, she is so great. That might be crazy, but due to wanting to cut costs whenever possible, I might take her up on it... I'm getting excited!

Update on Andy (back to freaking out, to things being ok), via email to the nursing besties

Yay for more updates!!! CONGRATULATIONS, CYDNEY!!!!!!!! Holy cow, you're pregnant??? So exciting!!! I would love to hear more about what you sort of mentioned...was this not planned then..? Sounds like it's been a bit of a shock, and maybe a hard idea to adjust to..but you will be such a good mom! Seriously. And I don't doubt this is exactly when your first little one is supposed to come to your family.

Also, dang about not getting the job(s) you wanted.. here's the thing though. So I actually got an interview and job offer at the U Hospital the other day, on AIM-A, where I wanted to work! All thanks to Jessica!! But the same day I got a call for an interview at St. Mark's for that medical/oncology floor. I'm pretty sure I'll take the U job, but I'm still going to the interview at St. Mark's on Tues. But Cyd, if you would want to work there, I'll totally give you the nurse manager's number and tell her about you if I don't take it! Let me know. Or if you wanted to work at the U, I think they might still be hiring, and the nurse manager is so nice and said she prefers to hire new grads and referrals, over experienced nurses. So that's an option too, if you were interested. But that's cool that you are able to work where you are, you're definitely learning skills that the rest of us won't be for a while, if ever, so that's awesome.

Elisa, I especially liked your fear of having forgotten everything and killing someone first day of the job, haha. That totally made me laugh (I feel the same, no worries) and miss you!! And I'm right there too, if you need help moving or packing! And YES, let's all get together before you move, for sure!

Alright, so here's the update on the Andy sitch:

So in a nutshell, after that 2nd date that went way too fast (started with not touching, ended in kissing), I freaked out the next day, went out with another guy from Tinder for lunch between Conference sessions (not interested), then the next day went to the last session of Conference with Andy. In the car on the way, I brought up the subject of Friday going too fast, and we had a discussion where we both felt the same, that that wasn't how we wanted things to go, decided to take a step back, and I included no kissing for the moment. So then things were better, Conference with him was great, then we walked around Temple Square, chatted a lot, he came to my house for dinner, then we just hung out there the rest of the afternoon/evening, basically. Chatted a bunch, played a rousing game of fuseball, went on a walk, etc. 

Then as he was leaving he said he wanted to see me again as soon as possible (cute), so we set up a date for Thurs (2 days ago), to go to the BYU Homecoming Spectacular. I love that show, so I was way excited. By the end of the night though (still Sunday), I could tell he was still into me more than I was into him. But things were good. Then from when he left, through Mon, Tues, and Wed., he just kept growing on me more and more. He texted and/or called each day (called upon my suggestion--I hate getting to know someone primarily via messaging, which is what we had mostly been doing, minus our dates), and I felt really good about things and was super excited to see him the next night. I hadn't kissed him at all on that last Sunday, despite his obvious want to kiss me, and by now, Wed night, I wanted to again. 

But then come Thurs, it was like a switch flipped, and I suddenly just wasn't feeling it so much anymore. It was weird.I don't know what happened. And I thought seeing him Thurs night would change it back, but it didn't. So the date Thurs night was fine, he was really cute and nice, as usual, we cuddled, held hands, etc., but I just wasn't really feeling it. And I still don't totally know why. I think partly because I was so tired and sleep deprived that day, from working late the night before and getting up early for my first flu shot clinic of the day..I don't know. But at the end of the date he asked me how I was feeling about things, and I said, "Good...but I still want to take things slow.." even though I really wasn't feeling that good about things, at least not being that into him. He told me that at that point, he had no desire to hang out with any other girls. I was totally flattered, and felt bad I couldn't say the same. He told me though, that as far as the weekend ahead, and otherwise, if I wanted to hang out with other people, and go out with other guys still, that was totally fine, and he wasn't offended. But if ever I wanted to hang out or do something with him, he was there. So I was just confused and frustrated, because I had been feeling so interested in him just the day before. And he was clearly still very interested in me, and I wanted to be able to return the feeling, partly because he is such a great guy. And I was feeling very much like, when was I going to find another guy this great, if ever?!?!? 

Well, long story of this weekend short, after being an emotional mess yesterday over it, not knowing what to do or how to feel, and partly still this morning, I still wasn't really feeling interested in him, despite my attempts to rekindle my feelings by reading our previous conversations, etc., and I frankly didn't really mind if I never saw him again. Which was sad and weird, because just a few days ago I really thought things could really work out, long-term, with him, and kind of saw myself with him. 

But after figuring out my feelings and what to do about it, we talked on the phone tonight and I just was totally honest with him, about how I had kind of just suddenly lost interest, and didn't really know why. He was so great, and so understanding, and said he's been in the same situation, so he knew exactly how I felt, which I appreciated. But I told him that I was very willing to still give this thing a shot, greatly because he was so great, and because I had felt into him previously, but that I would want to just go slow, do the friendship, no pressure thing. He agreed that that would be good, and was happy to still spend time together, so we decided to take some steps waaaayyy back, still go out with other people, and maybe do something fun in the next week or two, no pressure, and just see how things go.

So that is where we are at. But I'm actually really relieved and feel like maybe he's just not the one. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but he's basically my height, and I still don't love that. But I do still think I could get over it if I was in love with him. So we'll see what happens.

Sorry for the loooooong update. Hope you all really wanted one. :) 

Update on Andy: There is something wrong with me

Andy and I went out last night, basically 4th date, and it was a good date, but I just have kind of lost interest. I'm not sure why, which is why I think something is wrong with me.

So last Sunday was General Conference, and we went, and then he came over for dinner, and we just kind of hung out all afternoon. I didn't let him kiss me, though he really wanted to. By the end of the night, things were going great, and our goodbye was great, and he asked me when he could see me again, and I said, "Well...when do you want to?" and he said, "As soon as possible." It was really cute. So he said he had tickets to the BYU Spectacular, a show that I love, and invited me to it for Thurs. I said I normally work Thurs nights (Paul), but that I could probably switch.
Anyway, he left, and I could tell he was still more into me than I was into him, but I definitely had interest. Then, even just that night, thinking about him, and the really great qualities he has, and how well he treats me, etc., he started growing on me more. Then through Mon, Tues, and Wed, he grew on me more and more, and I practically couldn't wait for Thurs to finally get here so I could see him! He had taken me suggestion, or invitation, on Sunday, to call me on the phone (I hate getting to know someone primarily via messaging, like text or facebook, which is what we had been doing mostly, minus our few dates), so we had chatted on the phone both Mon and Tues nights, and I had loved that.
But then, it was literally like a switch was flipped overnight, and I felt pretty much indifferent towards him on Thurs. I don't know what happened. I wasn't that excited to see him Thurs night anymore. But I thought that seeing him and being with him would re-ignite my feelings. It didn't.
So Thurs (last night), I drove down to Provo after my last flu shot clinic was done at 5 pm in West Jordan (that job is going great, by the way, AND I just got a job offer at the U Hospital!! I had an interview for it on Tues, and she offered me the job later that day, to which I asked to have 24 hours to think about it, because I had just gotten an interview at St. Mark's, for the floor I wanted to work there too, for this next Thurs. I feel pretty good about working at the U, but I still wanted to go to the interview at St. Mark's on Tues, so I left Colline, the nurse manager at the U, in a message, if I could go to the interview and let her know after that, but if she really needed to know before then, I would just take the job. She left me a message back the next day, yesterday, to say that was totally fine, to go to the interview and let her know after. I'm so excited to have a full-time job though!).
I was so tired yesterday, running on about just over 4 hours of sleep, and I'm wondering if that had anything to do with my feeling indifferent about Andy.. still not sure.
But so I got down there, we met at his parents' house because they have puppies right now, and he wanted me to see them. So I met his mom and sister, and he had a few friends over to see the puppies too, and we played with them for about an hour, and then went to the Spectacular.
It was a good show, we held hands and sat real close the whole time, his arm around me part of the time, I rubbed his back, etc. It was nice. Then we went to dinner at Los Hermanos (I have told him about our restaurant, which is why he wanted to go there. I've never been there, to the Provo one, surprisingly, but it was good!), and at the end, he realized with much regret and embarrassment, that he had not brought his wallet. Haha, so I took his keys and went back to the car, where my purse was in the trunk, and got mine. So yes, I paid for dinner, haha. He felt so bad. And of course plans on paying me back. Oh, and for dinner, we parked right next to the Provo Tabernacle Temple site and checked it out through the viewing side before going to eat. It is so cool!
Anyway, after dinner we went to his house and watched Emperor's New Groove. I chose the couch to sit on this time, and we definitely held hands and cuddled, but still no kissing.
It ended at midnight, and it was time for me to go, so he drove me to his parents' house where my car was, and we chatted on the way and then just sat and chatted in his car for a bit at their house. At the end, he asked me how I was feeling about things, and I got nervous because I actually wasn't feeling great about things, in the way of I just wasn't feeling super into him. I felt like we got along really well, but I didn't really have any desire to kiss him, I wasn't feeling super attracted to him. But I said something like, "Good...I just still want to take things slow.." which he was fine with. And then he was talking about this weekend, or spending time together, and said something like, "Right now, I have no desire to hang out with any other girls. And as far as this weekend, or if you want to hang out, I'm there." That was really sweet, and very flattering. And he did tell me that if I wanted to do stuff with other people, or go out with other guys, that was totally fine, and he wasn't offended at all. He asked me about that, or what I thought or something, and I just told him that me being really tired wasn't helping things, with trying to figure things out, so let's talk about this later. He was fine with that, of course. He's so nice.
So we got out of the car and he walked me to my door, and he we hugged and he kind of repeated some things, that if I wanted to spend time with other people, or go out with other people, that was totally fine, he wasn't offended, and that I can be totally honest with him.
I thanked him, said I better go, got in the car, and he asked me if I wanted him to call me on my way home, to keep me awake. It was late, and normally I would say I would be fine, because I felt bad keeping him up. But I legitimately was scared about getting home awake and alive last night, so I said, "....maybe.." So being the great guy that he is, he said, "I'll call you."
And about five minutes later he did.
I asked what he wanted to talk about, and he said, "I want you to tell me about your mission." He has told me about his mission and certain companions he had that were difficult, including his trainer, and I had mentioned that I had a hard trainer too. So he wanted to hear about that. So I talked for most of the 40 minute drive home, telling him all about my mission, different companions, and my last transfer and the incredible experiences that led to it ending so special.
I got home, got off the phone, was so grateful for how nice he was to stay up and talk to me so that I would stay awake driving. I really appreciated it, and I told him that.
But I still felt just kind of like I'd lost interest. But he was this really great guy, and on paper is basically everything that I look for (minus the height thing)--solid testimony, fun guy, good conversationalist, great goals, educated, driven, good with money, gentleman, considerate, strong, I'm even pretty much positive, by the end of last night, that he doesn't have a pornography problem! But even after all that, I just wasn't feeling it with him. And that scared me, and it still does. Here is this great guy, who is so into me, and just wants to be with me, and I don't feel the same. What's it going to take for me to be happy?? After I got home, I got really scared and just felt like I'm never going to get married. For those reasons. And today, I still feel scared about that. That I'm never going to be happy with any guy.
I don't know, I can't really tell you why I've kind of lost interest. Maybe I was just really tired and beyond feeling. Maybe it's the height thing and I don't feel as much like a girl and feminine as I would like because we're practically the same size. Maybe there are certain personality querks that I don't totally clique with, like he sometimes thinks things are a lot funnier than me, and I feel like it's kind of dorky. Maybe because he gets kind of dorky and really into me and hugs me really tight at moments because he's probably excited to be with me, but that I feel like that's kind of dorky and detracts from his appeal to me.
Or maybe there is really something wrong with me and I am never going to be happy with any guy. I don't know.
But it's been an emotional day for me today. I slept in til 11:40 am, got up, went to my one flu shot clinic, was on the verge of tears the whole time, started crying on the way home, got home, Jamie came over, I spilled all of it to her, what happened, how I was feeling, how it all made me scared that I would never get married, etc., and I've just been in this emotional after-crying stupor of a mood the rest of the day. Took a nap and then have just kind of vegged all evening. I wanted to write in my journal though, so this has been really good.
So I don't know what to do. My mom says trust my feelings, and Camille said that too, when I kind of told her the update via text.
But the thing is I really kind of want to like him. I had basically thought way farther ahead than I ever should (female brain, for you), and had invested a lot in the idea of him. Of us. He has gotten a great job offer and will likely be moving to DC next August, and I had kind of started imagining going with him. As his wife. And I was getting excited about the thought of leaving the single scene finally.
Plus he is so great and has been so good to me, I feel terrible if I can't like him back and feel the same way in return. And I know you can't marry every nice boy, but he has been so great. A lot of me wishes I liked him back in the same amount. I've never been liked this much by a guy, and it is so flattering.
But confession, at the same time as wishing I felt the same way, the height thing is still an issue. And I think that if everything else was good, it wouldn't bother me much, if at all. But maybe since something else is off, it does more. I don't know. So there is a tiny part of me that is relieved at this lack of interest feeling. I have always wanted to marry someone taller than me, by at least a few inches. And I would rather marry someone my height than like 6'7" or something huge like that, but I just sometimes feel like we don't fit as well as I would like to fit, with the person I will be spending eternity with.
So I don't know. I'm exhausted, emotionally drained, and I need to go to sleep. Hopefully time will work all this out. Because this is hard. And he is so great. I just feel so bad.