Jamie's new boyfriend. This is hard.

So Jamie and I have become better friends than I ever could have imagined. She is definitely my best friend, but the best best friend that I've ever had. We practically do everything together, I pretty much never get sick of her, she has a way of cheering me up when I'm in a bad mood (hard to do) and getting me out of my funk, and she is the most considerate, thoughtful person I think I have ever personally known. She's amazing, and she's amazing to me.
A while ago, in fact I think I wrote about this, I felt like I would be fine when she started dating someone, and I hoped that she would first because I felt like I was better able to be happy alone than she is, and I didn't think it would be super hard for me.
Well, turns out I was wrong. She's been starting to date this guy, Paul, from Tinder, but just on Saturdays. He's so busy with full time school and work that that's the only day he can go out. And they seems to really click and he sounds like a pretty good guy (besides his lack of making any phone calls to her on his own..we still are trying to look past it. But it's annoying.). They went out on date #4 last night, and I went to bed (semi) early, due to having to work again today, 12 hour shift, and as I was going to sleep, it just hit me that this might be it, and I started to silently cry. Only a few few tears, for I quickly pulled myself together and went to sleep, but I have been realizing the last few days and little while that when she starts dating someone seriously, or now I'm realizing at all maybe, it's going to be really hard for me.
Tonight on my way home from work I was going to stop at her (and Wendy's) apt, like I have a couple times already after work, to hear about the date last night and catch up (haven't seen her since Friday, which seems like forever since we usually see each other every day, or nearly). But she said she would talk to me in just a bit (in response to my text asking her what she was doing as I was leaving work). And as I was driving home, it hit me again, that when she starts really dating him, or anyone, it will be really hard for me. And I began to cry again, and pray to Heavenly Father, asking Him to help me cope and get through it, and to help me be so happy for her.

I just heard from her again, a few hours later, and Paul had in fact come over to her apt and finally kissed her. This is really exciting, and I'm totally faking being excited (via texting her right now), but I'm struggling right now. This is really hard. It's hard not to be jealous. She has so much fun with him, loves being with him, and it has been sooo long since I've met an eligible guy that I can say that about. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I'm never going to get married. That I'm never going to find a guy that is impressive and that I love spending time with and just want to be with all the time, AND am attracted to. For example, there's still Andy, and I think he is still interested in dating if I wanted to (right now we just message every now and then on fb), and he's a really impressive guy, but I don't know if he's someone I could want to be with all the time and love spending time with, as well as sometimes I'm not sure how physically attractive he is to me. Sometimes I feel like that combo is next to impossible. And some days that's fine. But right now that's really discouraging.

I pray that I can be happy for Jamie, even if I have to fake it for a while. Because I think this may only get harder. But I love her so much and she wants this so bad, and she deserves it. She will make an incredible wife, and an amazing mother. And I want her to get to enjoy those blessings.
But the selfish part of me wants us to both just stay single and like this forever, because we are so close and have SO much fun together.

This is hard.