No school tomorrow--weird!

So I just graduated on August 11, about 2 weeks ago. I still can't believe I graduated from college, that I have a degree. I have a degree! I made it. Six and a half years since I began here in Fall 2005, spending 4 1/2 years in school, with a mission in between, I have a college degree. It was definitely bitter sweet. I was glad for a break from school, but I absolutely love BYU. I have had such a great experience in so many ways here. With my major, the people I've met and become good friends with, my great professors and how they've influenced me, my amazing BYUSA experience(s), my love affair with the library, a new passion for reading sparked because of my Children's Lit class, loving the beautiful campus, all the fun activities and sports, seeing people all the time that I know (on campus) because I've now been here for so long.., and just sitting in a great lecture, learning so much from such excellent professors. I'm going to miss all those things.

However, tomorrow starts fall semester, and I must admit, I am SO glad not to have to go to class tomorrow, and not to have to start doing homework again for another 4 months, or have deadlines, have to study for tests, and always feel like I need to be studying. This I am glad I will not be experiencing. But it's definitely surreal that everyone really is starting the new semester tomorrow, and I am not.

I'll just be working, and playing, and painting (finally trying to finish that painting of Simon that Rosanna asked, and paid, me to do--like 4 years ago!), and blogging, and playing, and reading. Reading! I am so excited to read just for fun! I have a good list going of books I want to read. I think I might go to the library tomorrow and start on that list. After going to get my power steering checked...still need to do that...

my SALLY

Sally is one of the greatest blessings in my life. There are not words to describe the gratitude I feel for her. She is truly my angel. She's my best friend, that's why. She really is.

She's always been like my second mother, mom has even always told me that she liked to take care of me when I was little. But she and I are so emotionally identical, it's amazing. And it's so nice that we understand each other so completely, emotionally. For a long time, and sort of even still, we would say we both have "issues." By that we were referring to our emotional issues, which, if I had to actually define it, I would say that it's (at least partly) how people start to drive me crazy after a while and I have a meltdown. Or I just hit my limit with various situations, and breakdown and need to cry. Or how we just need a good cry every so often. She would probably add also how sometimes she will break down and cry, without knowing why she is.

We've always been pretty close, but we are closer now than we ever have been, and it's because she calls me so often. Sometimes every day. And even though she's in Texas, because we talk so often, she knows practically exactly what's going on in my life, and I in hers. She knows my boy happenings (and non-happenings) and who I'm interested in and what's happening with them and why they are being dumb.

I don't really have a best friend right now, and haven't for a while. Many of my past best friends have gotten married, Tisah and I aren't even friends any more, and Elise, who was basically my best friend winter semester, has been in Jerusalem all summer, and is engaged to be married this week (wow, I just realized how soon that is!), so it's kind of a bummer some days. I just really want a best friend, like a best guy friend. Like a husband.

But I am soooooooo blessed to have Sally. This summer she started calling me way more than usual (we used to talk every couple weeks or so), which has made me comfortable with just calling her anytime to talk to her about anything, because I know she cares. She has definitely shown that to me.

But I love her so much and really just can't describe the blessing she is to me in my life, especially through this Rob and Isaac saga (which, for the record, I think is over, both of them. Just days after the blessing, I found out Isaac was dating someone--yeah, who knew; and Rob has not done much to keep my interest, like actually using the telephone to call me and ask on an actual date. He just doesn't make me laugh and doesn't laugh with me like I really want in who I marry, either. So, interest basically gone.). I am eternally grateful for her, she truly is my best friend.

And I'm so excited to go visit her (and Joe and the kids and Peter and Lindsay and the kids...) in a couple weeks!

Amazing blessing, from Isaac

So since last night I've still just felt emotionally..confused. This whole Rob thing not turning out how I have expected or planned, or I guess I should say Rob himself not being what I expected, has totally taken me by surprise, and thrown me for a loop. I saw him at our stake sacrament meeting today, and just was in emotional turmoil when I looked and thought about him. I want to like him and have him like me, but he's just not everything I look for. But I know so many good qualities about him, I want those. And it was supposed to work out... but we don't share the same sense of humor..

Because of all this, and feeling more hopeless than usual at the question of if I'll ever find someone for me and get married, plus the added stress of trying to decide which apartment to live in (29 or 27, the ones on either side of me now), on top of moving right now, I've felt like I should get a blessing today. Isaac was the first that came to mind, so despite the irony of why I wanted a blessing (being primarily about a guy, and boy problems), I called and asked him for one. He just left, and it was the most amazing blessing I've ever had.

I wish I could have recorded it, it was really long and packed with statements of peace and comfort and promises, as well as exhortations and teachings too, and Isaac is so eloquent in speech and very well versed in scripture, and so spiritual and in tune with the Spirit. Here's some of it:

Your mother (earthly) is very fond of you and very proud of you. She loves you. You need to know this at this time. And she needs you at this time. And your father loves you just as much. The Lord has much He wants to tell you at this time, and He will tell you a lot through your parents, and other loved ones. They will be an anchor in your life, through times of trial and uncertainty?

Move forward. Every minute you sit here and dwell and think and analyze, the Lord lovingly chastises? you for not moving. Move forward. As you move forward the Lord will guide you. And even if you make mistakes as you go, He will NOT let you fall.

He talked a bit about how deep within me, since before this life, is this gift? to speak the language of the Spirit, and that I should practice it, daily?, as I read the scriptures, as I talk with loved ones, and with friends..

He promised me some blessings, three or so, and the third was in my search of someone with which to start my own family.

You are in the right place. Stay where you are (I feel like this means I am supposed to move into BDA 29, where I have been debating about, and had basically decided today to buy the contract).

He mentioned another group of three or so things, and I think it was the second when he told me I'll will be financially stable

Don't ever think that your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ don't love you. Don't ever feel that you are unworthy to pray.

You are at a sea of uncertainty.

..bless you to know what to do with work and school.. you feel alone, you don't know who to turn to (that got me, because I often don't. I don't really have a best friend right now. Lots of good friends, but no best friend. Isaac is my closest guy friend, but we only confide in each other every now and then. We only see each other at planned activities usually. I hope we can become closer and closer and just talk a lot, as good friends.)

He referenced Joseph Smith, when he felt alone, and couldn't be with the saints, and was facing a sea of uncertainty. Also Adam and Eve, as they were kicked out of the Garden, they came to a vast desert before them, and as well faced a sea of uncertainty.

Be flattered that you are going through this, like the prophets of old, their trials strengthened them...

He kept quoting the verse and promise that God will not give any commandment, save He shall prepare a way for me to accomplish that which He has commanded.

One day, when you are looking down on all your posterity, you will think back to this time, to this moment, and smile.

The Lord knows what you want. Even better than you know. He knows what you most want, and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want you to draw close to them.

Jesus Christ is a real being. The Book of Mormon is true. Christ went through everything so that He could better understand and know how to succor you. His Atonement is not just to cover sin, but to heal all things...

(about the Atonement) Do what is hard and kneel, alone and aloud, and pray to your Heavenly Father, and.. (pray to know how the Atonement can heal you)

It will heal your broken heart

Always strive to work on your testimony of the Restoration. Then he mentioned the person who I will marry will be..prepared for you..? and I will then be worthy of that blessing (so I feel like Heavenly Father wants me to grow in the Gospel and come closer to Them, and better myself and move forward (which the blessing told me again, grouped with what I'm saying) and that basically the time would come when these blessings will be realized). And that that/those blessings will be greater than I could ever even imagine (that was encouraging and exciting).

Your family loves you, you also have a lot of friends who love you.

He talked about the Lord being pleased with my work and sacrifice and time put in to building wards..

...the Kingdom of God, because you are a part of it. He said something about that I am or I will be a great woman. He emphasized great.

I bless you with an added measure of peace.

_____

Isaac is amazing. One of the sweetest parts of the blessing was that about half way through or so, as I had been crying from nearly the beginning, he began to be emotional too, and was strongly sniffling by the end. I was really touched. I don't know why, but it meant a lot. Afterwards, as he was leaving, after I had really thanked him for it, he sincerely thanked me for asking him to; then as we both stood in the doorway he told me that he needed that as well. We both stood there, looking at each other, and he said that it's really interesting, or surprising to him sometimes, what he feels prompted to say. I agreed. I told him that some things that I have recently been concerned about, but that I hadn't even thought about today (my relationship with Camille, specifically), he addressed. That was really neat. But as far as my relationship with Camille, I just haven't felt as close to her lately. Sally is really my only sibling that calls me regularly, and I'm so grateful for her for that. I wish Camille called me more, and that she asked more about my life and specifically boy happenings. But I have always been the type that if I don't get asked about stuff, I often won't just talk about things, about myself, because I feel like no one cares to hear it. Anyway, I have just been wishing more than ever lately that Camille would call me more, and ask me about stuff.

But back to Isaac and the blessing, yeah, it was absolutely amazing. That was one of two blessings that will probably always stick out in my head. The other one being the blessing President Hutchings gave me one day during my interview with him, when I was struggling so bad with forgiving Sister Arnell for how she treated me.

Anyway, Isaac and I have really neat connections. Part of me wishes even more that something could happen between us, because we've shared some neat experiences and conversations. But I know that whatever is supposed to happen will.

Bummer night with Rob

I feel rather depressed right now. So I just had sort of a date-ish with Rob. We watched Megamind at his apartment, and then chatted and hung out there for a little bit, and then he walked me home. We chatted for a few minutes on my porch, and then we hugged and he left.

I have been pretty sure that either he or Isaac were a good possibility of being the one, more specifically Rob, but after today, and even more so after spending time with Rob tonight, I'm not so sure he's for me. And I think I'm all shaken up about it because I was not expecting this. I have been expecting things to keep progressing like they have been between us, and that we would date, and things would likely go really well. There are a lot of specific things about him that have made me think we could really work out. But now, I'm not so sure, and I'm confused, and rather bummed... the main reason why is because I feel like he's a little too serious. Not like he's a serious person without a sense of humor, because he definitely is that. His blog, for example, is hilarious. He is a very talented, intellectually entertaining, writer. I have laughed out loud while reading it. And the two times we have watched movies together we both laugh at nearly all the same parts and it's great. And he can flirt with me, and make me laugh and I have been able to make him laugh while flirting. But when we are just chatting, it seems like he is just too serious, which makes me nervous and not-so-myself, and we all know what happens when I can't be myself. Nothing. The guy loses interest.

So sometimes I will make jokes just in our conversation, and he never really laughs at them, which is slightly discouraging. Because like during those movies, it has seemed like we have a similar sense of humor. But he's definitely more calm than me and more, yeah, serious, I'd say. And I definitely want someone that I can just always be myself with and be crazy and throw in jokes or stupid things in conversation, and get a reaction out of. But the thing is, I think back on other conversations Rob and I have had, like that first big one, that first miraculous day after institute a few weeks ago, and it was great, and I was more myself and we just chatted and joked some and it was great. I thought.

Anyway, I also have been feeling so much love and care for Isaac, and just want to be best friends with him, and still consider the possibility of something happening between us (even though it would take a miracle for him to actually ask me out, even though it is so obvious he likes being around me). He came to breakfast with us this morning, which was for Alisha (my awesome old roommate, she's been in town this week, and I love her so much), and it was fun with him, and afterwards I just felt so much love for him and just wanted to hang out with him. Anyway, so after Rob left I went over to say he to Sherry at her party, and then I was still just feeling so..ugh, about the whole Rob thing. I would have loved to see Isaac at that point. I feel like he is a safety net for me. So I texted him and asked him how the man show (gun show) was that he went to today, hoping to get a response, and feel a connection to and loved by at least someone. Or something.

But yeah, nothin. Nothing! He never texted me back! And I texted Sally to see if she was still awake right after I had gotten home (cuz she texted me while I was with Rob, asking why my hope in the male gender had been crushed once again), cuz I really really wanted to talk to someone, specifically her, about how I was feeling and what just happened. And SHE has never texted back either. So here I am, left to let it all out in my journal. Which is good.

So yeah, tonight I feel dejected by both Rob and Isaac, where recently I've been nervous about the possibility of having to pick between the two.

And maybe this isn't the end of the Rob possibility, but I'm not feeling so into him. I just liked so many things about him, from being with him, and hearing him teach, and reading his blog, that I think I had psyched myself into thinking I was likely going to be dating this great, amazing guy. And now that doesn't look so likely, and it's kind of disappointing. Even though it's me (possibly him too) that feels less interested. But the thing is, and this kills me, that I feel like we could be really good friends, if we were just friends first. I have never liked the whole first date feeling and then trying to be impressive right from the start. It's so much more natural, and so much easier, to be myself around a guy when I'm already good friends with him first, plus I definitely seem to be more attractive to guys when I am that way. But it has gone less toward that method more and more with Rob, as we've been very flirtatious, and then I act not as relaxed and myself as I wish I could when I'm at his apt., mainly because I still don't actually know him really well. And that's partly because we do things like watch movies for activities together. Aaa!

Anyway, I just think that if we were to become good friends, with no pressure, we could be a much more successful couple afterwards.

I hate the dating game!! I want to cry right now because I suddenly am back to feeling like I'm never going to get married!

I have to go clean now because my contract ends tomorrow (Sunday).

I'll keep waiting

This is an excerpt from a conversation Sally and I were having on gchat just now. She had heard from Mom that I had booted Isaac off the list, and I then told her that he redeemed himself some at church yesterday (after I was so annoyed with him by Sat. afternoon after Andy's wedding) so he was back on the list. Then she told me this:

"I said to Mom, something to the effect of you needing to find someone worthy of you, b/c i think you are amazing, and she said Yes, I agree--Melissa needs someone special & I think she's gonna have to be patient [waiting for that person to come along] I thought you might want to hear that!"

That was really touching, I nearly teared up. That made me feel so good to hear that Mom said that, makes me feel like I'll be able to wait for whenever it's time for him to come along. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but if not, it will be worth the wait, I'm convinced of that.