I have been pretty sure that either he or Isaac were a good possibility of being the one, more specifically Rob, but after today, and even more so after spending time with Rob tonight, I'm not so sure he's for me. And I think I'm all shaken up about it because I was not expecting this. I have been expecting things to keep progressing like they have been between us, and that we would date, and things would likely go really well. There are a lot of specific things about him that have made me think we could really work out. But now, I'm not so sure, and I'm confused, and rather bummed... the main reason why is because I feel like he's a little too serious. Not like he's a serious person without a sense of humor, because he definitely is that. His blog, for example, is hilarious. He is a very talented, intellectually entertaining, writer. I have laughed out loud while reading it. And the two times we have watched movies together we both laugh at nearly all the same parts and it's great. And he can flirt with me, and make me laugh and I have been able to make him laugh while flirting. But when we are just chatting, it seems like he is just too serious, which makes me nervous and not-so-myself, and we all know what happens when I can't be myself. Nothing. The guy loses interest.
So sometimes I will make jokes just in our conversation, and he never really laughs at them, which is slightly discouraging. Because like during those movies, it has seemed like we have a similar sense of humor. But he's definitely more calm than me and more, yeah, serious, I'd say. And I definitely want someone that I can just always be myself with and be crazy and throw in jokes or stupid things in conversation, and get a reaction out of. But the thing is, I think back on other conversations Rob and I have had, like that first big one, that first miraculous day after institute a few weeks ago, and it was great, and I was more myself and we just chatted and joked some and it was great. I thought.
Anyway, I also have been feeling so much love and care for Isaac, and just want to be best friends with him, and still consider the possibility of something happening between us (even though it would take a miracle for him to actually ask me out, even though it is so obvious he likes being around me). He came to breakfast with us this morning, which was for Alisha (my awesome old roommate, she's been in town this week, and I love her so much), and it was fun with him, and afterwards I just felt so much love for him and just wanted to hang out with him. Anyway, so after Rob left I went over to say he to Sherry at her party, and then I was still just feeling so..ugh, about the whole Rob thing. I would have loved to see Isaac at that point. I feel like he is a safety net for me. So I texted him and asked him how the man show (gun show) was that he went to today, hoping to get a response, and feel a connection to and loved by at least someone. Or something.
But yeah, nothin. Nothing! He never texted me back! And I texted Sally to see if she was still awake right after I had gotten home (cuz she texted me while I was with Rob, asking why my hope in the male gender had been crushed once again), cuz I really really wanted to talk to someone, specifically her, about how I was feeling and what just happened. And SHE has never texted back either. So here I am, left to let it all out in my journal. Which is good.
So yeah, tonight I feel dejected by both Rob and Isaac, where recently I've been nervous about the possibility of having to pick between the two.
And maybe this isn't the end of the Rob possibility, but I'm not feeling so into him. I just liked so many things about him, from being with him, and hearing him teach, and reading his blog, that I think I had psyched myself into thinking I was likely going to be dating this great, amazing guy. And now that doesn't look so likely, and it's kind of disappointing. Even though it's me (possibly him too) that feels less interested. But the thing is, and this kills me, that I feel like we could be really good friends, if we were just friends first. I have never liked the whole first date feeling and then trying to be impressive right from the start. It's so much more natural, and so much easier, to be myself around a guy when I'm already good friends with him first, plus I definitely seem to be more attractive to guys when I am that way. But it has gone less toward that method more and more with Rob, as we've been very flirtatious, and then I act not as relaxed and myself as I wish I could when I'm at his apt., mainly because I still don't actually know him really well. And that's partly because we do things like watch movies for activities together. Aaa!
Anyway, I just think that if we were to become good friends, with no pressure, we could be a much more successful couple afterwards.
I hate the dating game!! I want to cry right now because I suddenly am back to feeling like I'm never going to get married!
I have to go clean now because my contract ends tomorrow (Sunday).
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