GRE again

So to increase my chances of getting into PA school, I am retaking the GRE. At first, when I started thinking about doing it again, I was dreading it. I tell you what. And even after I decided to, I was really really scared about it. But since then, I've been able to borrow Robby Jarstad's (in my ward) new GRE study book (when I took it, it was still the old GRE, so I couldn't use my study book anymore), and it is SO helpful! I'm feeling a lot more prepared for it, or that I will be, plus it's not so hard to want to study this time around because I'm not doing other classes at the same time. That has made a huge difference! In fact, I need to be studying right now, before I go back to work, but I just wanted to update about it.

RS President, round TWO!

I just got called to be a RS president again. Ha. I think I'm getting a second chance to get it right!:)

No, I'm actually pretty excited, I have some really fun counselors and I love the girl who is my sec., I think it'll be a lot of fun! Natalie Newman is the other RS pres, who I love, and Joel Anderson, my little best mission friend, is the EQ pres (yeah, we are in the same ward, totally by coincidence)! So PEC is going to be awesome! :)

Tonight we had our stake training meeting at the Manavu chapel, and it was good, very informative, plus really good food at the end. But Joel brought his new sec., who is Andrew Klemme, who I have never officially met or gotten to know, but have wanted to this whole semester. He has just seemed like an awesome kid. So tonight Joel, Andrew, Natalie, and I sat together after the meeting and ate, and I got to talk to Andrew and get to know him, and it was really fun! Definitely a highlight of my day. He just got home from his mission in July, hasn't even been home five months, but he is pretty mature, and down to earth. And as far as I've been able to tell, wears good shoes. :)

So we'll see, I hope I get to hang out with him and get to know him more, he was very enjoyable to talk to. And we didn't talk a ton, but he seems like a good conversationalist, which is huge. He also wears glasses, which I find very attractive in a guy, and he's not skinny. Yay for a non-skinny boy!!

I want to be a PA!!!

I talked to Mom yesterday, and it was a good thing. Definitely was supposed to. She is so wise, and it helps too that she has spent her adult life in the medical field.

She advised me what seems so logical. She advised me to do everything I can to get in to PA school (which she was encouraging me more and more to choose over nursing, which I am feeling stronger and stronger about all the time, especially as she was talking to me more about it and the more and more opportunities PAs have these days, etc.), and if that means retaking the GRE and applying to lots more schools, then do it. And as for the financial aspect of things, she emphasized and reminded me that my education is what I am working on pursuing right now, that this is the time in my life to focus on my education (not worry so much about saving to pay back my loans at this point in time--I do still have a few months), and that when the time comes to repay the interest on my loan (of what will then, in Feb, have gotten up to $1000), they can probably help me with it, etc. Mom (and Dad too, of course) is always so willing to offer to help me financially. I don't like having to borrow or take money from them, I like being able to pay for things myself, plus I know that they have their own money struggles. But I appreciate it so much that they will never let me go under or without. I was able to finish my last two semesters of school because of them, when I didn't get the loan I was planning on. I am so grateful for such amazing and supportive parents.

Anyway, so I've decided to retake the GRE, probably right after Christmas, which means I have just less than three weeks to study, and then I'll just keep applying to as many schools as I can afford to.

I want to be a PA so badly, I want to get in somewhere so bad. My biggest fear right now is not getting in anywhere, to any programs. I know that is lacking faith, but the thing is, I know everything will work out, it always does. And I know that if I'm supposed to get in somewhere, I'll get in. I have faith in Christ, faith in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me. But I don't have as much faith in me and my abilities and accomplishments (or lack thereof). I'm scared that my application isn't good enough to get in. This fear was very strong and overcoming up until yesterday. Today I'm feeling better about things, more hopeful, thank heavens. Last night I was feeling more worried and scared and stressed about things, including the GRE, than I have in a while, and I plead with HF to take away my feeling of fear and help me not to worry. And today that has definitely come.

Lost

Once again, I feel lost in life. Lost, referring to my future. I have gone back and forth so many times between PA and nursing this year, it's ridiculous. I forget if I wrote about deciding against PA school shortly after I applied to three, back in August or so, but I did. I decided I just wanted to be a nurse, and I felt really good about that. So I started looking into and the application process of nursing schools. Then for the last few weeks, I've really been thinking about PA school again. So much that I applied to two more, one in Michigan and one in Pennsylvania. Random. And since then I just keep going back and forth. But I am still leaning toward PA. I would love to be a PA. More and more. I want to know what they know, I want to be able to diagose, and yeah, just know so much. One thing that got me really thinking a lot about it again was hearing/reading Camille talk about the female doctor they've been working with with Ethan's eye problem, and how great and knowledgeable she is. That really sparked this strong desire to be able to know so much about the medical field. I want to be able to help families like that, to help them know what is going on with their children, and what now.

But how many schools do I apply for? When do you stop? It takes money to apply anywhere, each time, and I'm not really trying to save for when I have to start paying my undergrad loans back here in a few months. And do I retake the GRE so I can apply to schools that require it and not have a sucky GRE score? That takes more money too. And do I now just apply to PA schools, or do I also focus on getting my nursing applications in too? Last night all this was really weighing on my mind, and I got really stressed. I was really praying about it all, and basically begging Heavenly Father to let me know what to do. It's mostly a financial concern right now, as far as whether or not to apply to more schools, and how many more, etc. I felt like I should call the loan place and get some details figured out, call CASPA and ask them if I did retake the GRE could I change my scores on the application, and to get a blessing, as well as talk to Mom. In blessings past I've been counselled to discuss things with my parents more and get advice from them, and I don't think I do that enough. So I felt like I should talk to her. So this morning, at work, I wrote down these things on my to-do list to do today, and I called the loan place and got those questions answered and feel like I know what I'm working toward now (saving $1000 by Feb to pay off all the interest on one of my loans to significantly decrease the monthly payment starting in March--it will be hard but I think I can do it.), and I got a blessing from my home teachers. The blessing was probably one of the least significant I've ever had, didn't give me any major revelation or answers, but it did mention my family and turning to them, so I feel like I still need to talk to my mom about things. I got home from work too late to call CASPA, so I'll do that tomorrow, and I want to talk to them about the GRE first before I talk to Mom. So I'll call her tomorrow too. I've kind of vented, or expressed these stresses/concerns to a few people today, including my home teachers, my roommate (Jessica), and Kim, my next door neighbor and former roommate, and I'm not feeling as stressed about things, but I still don't really have answers.

I just really wish I could know where I would get in, so I could just apply there, simply to save money wasted on applying to other schools. Or at least be told which profession to focus on. That would save time and money too.

But alas, this is what this life is for, learning. It's just a huge learning process. I know this. And I know everything will work out and I will get answers when I'm supposed to, it always works out when it should. It's just hard to not know right now (story of my life for the last almost-year now, right?). I really want to just save money to pay off my loans, but should I keep applying to programs? I don't know.

Isaac is back??

So last night, when I was just charting at the end of my shift, I get a text, and it was from nearly the last person I expected: Isaac. Yes, that Isaac. Isaac Calvert, the guy who gave me such good memories, and also such grief this summer. It said, "So, random, I know, but are you still awake?" And I said, after pulling myself together that he was even texting me, "Hey, yeah, I'm just getting off work." To which he said, "Would you like to go on a walk tomorrow afternoon?" A walk. Walks are serious. And as Jessica (my roommate) said, "Walks are so dramatic!" Haha, so true. To that I replied, after again, not really believing that he wanted to see me, "Sure, anytime after 3 would work." To which he said 3:30, I said that should work, and he said, "Cool, I'll call you around then." Then I said, "Sounds good." But I wanted to make sure it wasn't anything serious, like something wrong, so I added, "Is everything okay?" And he said, "Oh yeah, I just want to catch up, that's all." That's all, ha! I was glad everything is okay, and I was now really excited to see and talk to him.

Here's my theory: he is no longer dating his girlfriend, and wants to see if there is still anything between us.

So of course I've been thinking a lot about him since then, and have been really excited to see him, but then today during church he texted me and said, "This is really dumb, but I totally forgot about a meeting I have during our walk. Raincheck? Lunch sometime this week?" I was bummed, but I said sure, that's fine. He never responded, so we'll see what happens. But it actually worked out better I think because I have a cold, and took a nap this afternoon, which I think was needed, and I wouldn't have been able to sleep as long if we had gone on a walk. Plus, just being sick in general, I'm kind of glad not to have had to go out.

So anyway, we'll see what happens, if anything.

Two interests this fall, Nate and Trent

So once again, it's been a while since I've written in my journal. Surprise surprise.

So. I need to do a quick update on the boy dept. Not that there's a ton to talk about, let's be honest. But I'll do it anyway.

So for the last few months, I guess pretty much this semester (Fall 2011), and yes, I still think of time in semesters..:) But the main two boys on my radar have been one named Nate Andelin, who I was set up with by his sister, Michelle, who was in my ward over the summer; and my co-chair, Trent McFadyen. Trent has been so fun to work with in our callings, and to get to know. He's hilarious, and an awesome guy. He is totally up to par as far as spiritually, and in leadership skills. He is extremely impressive to me in those ways, and those things are very important to me, which has made him very attractive. He's also very friendly and very huggy, and we have become better and better friends over the semester of serving together. The only thing about him has been that he is younger than me, he's only 22, and just barely deciding on a major, while I have graduated, etc. We're just in very different places in our lives. But I've thought we could work around that if needed. We've gone on one date, and hung out some. He took me to a play he got free tickets to (he works doing backstage stuff at the HFAC), called "The Hundred Dresses." Weird play, but it was really fun with him!

Then there's Nate. He is more my age, which is really nice. I don't actually know how old he is, but he graduated last year (which makes him likely a year or so older than me, which is great!), and is now just working, like me. He has a good job, he's smart, fun, friendly, and an awesome conversationalist! That is one of the things I like most about him. I have met few better conversationalists, if any. He is very good at asking about me, and he always asks about my work. I've never met a guy who has cared more about my work than him. That has been really cool, especially since that's mostly what I do these days, is my job. We have gone on a total of four dates now, the third of which I asked him on. This sounds like it could be getting serious, except the part that his dates are always two or three weeks apart. First we went to Divine Comedy and then got shakes after at the Malt Shoppe, then he took me country dancing (so fun!!) and to get ice cream after at the Health Fruits place (or whatever it's called, right there on University by Fat Cats), then I invited him to the haunted corn maze at Thanksgiving Point, and then he took me to a BYU football game (we froze, but it was fun), and to Wendy's after for food. They have all been really fun dates, and we always have fun together, and enjoy talking to each other. When we were saying goodbye after our last date, he said something like, "I had a lot of fun!" and it seemed like he really does enjoy being with me. I enjoy being with him too, but the thing is that other than becoming better acquainted with each other, we don't really progress. Not physically or romantically.. it's like we are good friends going on dates. Really far apart ones. Our last date to the game was a few weeks ago, so if he keeps following his pattern, he'll call me in the next week or so, but who knows. Each time I get to the point where I don't expect him to call again, because I haven't heard from him in so long, and then he surprises me. So who knows. After our dates, I always really would like to spend more time with him, and I would love to like the next day. And then by the time he actually calls again, I have kind of lost interest in him. But then he peaks it again when I'm with him.

The night of our second date, after we went dancing, I texted him the post-date text, to thank him, and behind that to let him know I'd love to go on another, and a conversation started and we texted til 4 am in the morning!!!! It was crazy! That was the week I invited him to the corn maze a couple days later.

So yeah, I don't know what he's thinking, if anything still. But I'm not going to do anything. I texted him the other day to ask about his Thanksgiving, and in doing so to let him know I was still interested, in case he thought otherwise, and we texted a little over that day and the next, and I ended up casually inviting him to our White Christmas movie night in our apt., but never got a response to that. So who knows. I'm not really worried about it, if he wants to do anything more, I'd be up for it, but if not, oh well I guess. My biggest thing about him, that I don't love, is his size. There's a size issue. I think he is maybe an inch or two (at most) taller than me, but he is not real built. I wouldn't call him skinny, thank goodness, but he's just kind of small. And he's probably strong, which helps a lot, but I just don't want to feel bigger than any guy I date, or especially marry. I want to feel small, y'know? He is really awesome though, a really great guy, with high standards, and a lot of other qualities I look for in a guy, so if that was the only thing wrong with him (his size), I could deal with it. But we'll see if he even ever calls again.

As for Trent, there are days when I am attracted to him more than others, but I think I have concluded that he is not the one. I think I can be sure of that. He is so fun to be around, and like I said, he has a lot of qualities that I really want in my future husband and father of my children and leader of my home, but some things he is lacking is being interested in me. He is really good at talking, but not the best at asking about you, the other person. There are other little things, but that's the main thing. But we get along really well, and I'm so grateful we got to be co-chairs, he was so great to work with. I'm also grateful I've gotten to know him through working on projects and things together, as opposed to just dates and stuff. It's a much more real way to get to know someone, I think, and much more comfortable as well. But he's great, I love Trent. He will definitely continue to be one of my good friends, at least while we are in the same ward.

In conclusion, it's not seeming like anything much will happen with either of these boys, but that's okay, I'll keep waiting.

New job, sort of

I haven't written in here for a while, it feels like.

Life is really good right now. Believe it or not, I can honestly say now that I love my job, and I am SO grateful for it. Yes, I still work at Courtyard, but I've recently taken my friend (and co-worker, first), Bekah's, job, as the personal assistant of Courtyard. She is due to have a baby any day. I still work as a PCA (CNA), or "green shirt," as we are referred to by the residents, I'm still PRN as far as that goes, but I'm getting more hours now, which is good, and a little better pay as personal assistant, and it's so enjoyable. I get to wear nicer clothes, which I don't have a ton of, but it's fun to dress nice, I'm learning. And I kind of have my own reign over my schedule, to a point. I get to sit and chat with the residents I'm helping sometimes, I get to drive the company car (did that for the first time today, and I was actually pretty nervous, but it went well), I am getting to know employees that I never really interacted with (Nellie, the front desk person more, Aubrey, Marianne, Todd more, and more of the house keeping staff); I feel a little more dignified and responsible there now. And people come to me for help with things. It feels good to feel needed. And I get to help residents that we don't really help much as PCA's, like Jeanetta (shower once a week), the Stewarts, Dean a lot more, James Madigan, etc. And I don't have to feel rushed to get a call light or anything, it's so great. I love it, and it's going really well.

I want to write more about my current situation in life, but it's 1 am, and I gotta go to bed. I just watched my show, Biggest Loser, and I am so hooked on that show. I love it so much. I am definitely a BL junkie. :)

Emotional week, but turned out good

This week was an emotional rollercoaster. Well, mostly just got really low at the beginning, and is back to good at the end. Here's why.

So I started feeling really burned out at my job, and I realize it was mostly because of a couple specific residents that I had on my hall a few days in a row, or even that I just helped and who really tested my patience. I would dread going to work, well not going, but I dreaded the moment we draw floors, for fear of getting first floor, specifically. There is a resident, Karma, who I was not well liked by for a few days, and I knew it, and I have never really liked being around her anyway because she is so negative and never real happy, and just kind of awkward to help sometimes. Anyway, the other one is Cherae, who is just Cherea. And I don't mind helping her anymore (I used to dread it because she is so particular and tempermental, and if you did anything wrong from how she likes it, she explodes and gets so mad and is so irrational and swears, etc.), but by the end of the shift she will have tested my patience pretty good. At least those few days in a row this last week.

So by the end of..I think it was Tues I was feeling really burned out at work. I also had been questioning whether or not I really wanted to do nursing. Other options included physical therapy assistant, and my strong desire to cut hair, go to hair school, is still there, always in the back of my mind. Sometimes more towards the front than others.. So I was feeling stressed about what I really wanted to do with my life, and had no motivation to really do anything. I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm not at work, and I don't use it as well as I could. I was just not feeling motivated about life at all.

I also had come across an additional job opportunity, to take my friend Bekah's job as personal assistant at Courtyard, because she is due to have a baby soon. So that was also weighing on my mind, as to whether or not I should.

And on top of all this I was again feeling really frustrated about my dating situation, or lack thereof. I want to be in a relationship so bad. I just crave that. And I felt so sick of having to always say no when people ask me if I'm dating anyone. Especially people who ask me every now and then, like some relatives at Froerer family functions. Because I always say no, and I feel like they think..well, I don't know what they think. But it's getting embarrassing that I'm never dating anyone, like there's something wrong with me. And some days I feel like there must be. I'm nearly twenty-five years old, and I've only been in one relationship really, which lasted a mere two months, and haven't been in another one since, which has been about a year and a half. Most days I'm okay, and I know that it will happen when it's supposed to, and that God certainly has a plan for me, but sometimes it gets really hard and really discouraging. I want to be married, more and more as time goes on, but I would love to at least be in a relationship. To feel date-able, attractive, wanted. I miss feeling that so bad. It's been so long since I've really felt wanted and pursued, sometimes I think it will never happen again.

I ended up talking to Sally, my emotional sanctuary, that night after work in my car, and just cried. Told her all my stresses, and she just listened. She didn't try to fix all my problems, she didn't tell me I would get married, and that the right guy will come along when he's supposed to, or anything. She did give me some advice about this new job opportunity, and that was good. But mostly she just listened and let me vent and cry. And I so appreciated that. That's what I needed that night, and I feel like she listened with love and by the Spirit in that way. And I was once again so grateful for her in my life.

Then next day, as usually is, was better. I really wanted to feel motivated for life, to go forward with plans and goals. As I studied the scriptures that day, I was blessed with more motivation. I think partly because I was so hungry for it and wanted it so bad. I studied specifically for Bronson Howard, one of our investigators in Cookeville. He had some questions about God and life that he asked me via text almost two years ago, and I never answered back. The answer would be so long, I was just going to facebook or email him, but I just never have. So that's something I'm getting to now. But that was really good to study for that day, and I listened to a talk that helped, from Conference. And I didn't have to work, which was really nice. I feel like that was a tender mercy from the Lord to give me a break from work at that particular time, to kind of let me de-tox from feeling burned out at work. And then that afternoon, Trent, my awesome co-chair in my ward, called me and asked me on a date to a play he had tickets to on campus that night. It was a weird play, but really fun and so comfortable to be with him. So that was really great, and another tender mercy, I felt like.

Oh, and also, Jane Ann, my old EFY friend and roommate, ended up coming over and bringing me my mail from our Brookview apt., and we talked for a while, and she used to be a CNA and so I kind of shared with her some of my frustrations and reasons why I was feeling burned out with my job, and her perspective and hearing how she would handle situations shed a new, fresh light on it, and gave me some rejuvenation to go back to work. That was another tender mercy that day.

So that ended up being a really good day, just very rejuvenating, spiritual, and ended with a good, comfortable date.

The next day I worked again, and it was such a fun day at work! We got this new radio/walkie system, which was kind of a pain to start using and hear it all day as they installed it throughout the whole building, but made for a different day than the usual same old. And I worked with all my favorite people to work with (Paul, Ashley, Kemari (meds), and Jeni. Liz was working too, and she's cool too.), and we actually had a lot of fun that day, partly making a ton of fun and jokes out of the new system. And I had second floor, and NOT Cherae, so it was a really great shift! We (the PCA's) even went up to Nedra's room and had cake and ice cream for her 101st birthday, without her there... it was hilarious. I called all the PCA's up to her room on the new radio, and I was trying not to laugh, and so Kemari and Paul thought I was crying. And that it was maybe because Nedra had died, on her birthday, no less! We were crackin' up. About that, among other things.

Anyway, since then, the week has continued to go well, I've gotten more done on my U nursing application, I feel more motivated about life, and this Trent thing....it has me hopin'. Scary, I know.

My awesome TEXAS trip

Today is the Sunday of General Conference and just a few days ago I got back from spending two weeks in Texas with our San Antonians--the Davidsons and Gurrs.

8 Oct 2011

Now, almost a week later, I am returning to continue writing about my awesome Texas trip.

When I first got there, I was like, I am going to be here forever.. what was I thinking booking my trip for 2 weeks??! I felt like that might be too long, once I was there. But then later I remembered that when I was booking my flight, I was also praying and making sure it was okay that I stayed for two weeks, and I didn't feel wrong about it. I felt okay about staying that long (like financially, etc.). So I booked it. But once I was in TX and I was feeling worried/stressed about staying so long, I remembered this and felt like it would be okay, and to enjoy my time there, and that there must be a reason I would be there for so long.

And I really feel like there was.

Not only was it a lot of fun--we went down to Corpus Christi to the beach, I went to the gym and worked out a lot with Lindsay, Lindsay gave me swimming lessons, she got me hooked on hummus and eating more produce, like fresh bell peppers (yum!), I got to play with the kids (Caleb and Ella, and Joey and Kimball) a LOT, I tended Peter's boys once; Lindsay, Sally, and I went to the RS broadcast and then to get ice cream after; Sally and I started on our book!: we took a bunch of pictures for the illustrations, and I drew and started painting the first one--it was so exciting; Sally and I watched movies (Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken, Man From Snowy River, the classics:), Lindsay and I watched and got involved with Biggest Loser (I LOVE that show, makes me want to work out!:); Joe, Sally, and I played Boggle a few nights, and.... other things, I'm sure, that I can't think of. Anyway, it was really fun, and really great to be down there for so long, long enough to be kind of a part of the family down there, a part of their everyday lives for a little bit, and know what's going on. For that reason I need to now do better at staying in contact with Peter and Lindsay individually. Because once it's been so long, it's hard to just give them a call and chat or what not. I should do that tomorrow, maybe.

But besides all the fun, vacation stuff, it was just so great, so good to be able to spend a lot of time with Lindsay, and be around Peter more. Lindsay and I got to talk quite a few times about things, like how Peter is doing, how she is doing, how she and Peter are doing; things that happened between them this summer, good and bad. She told me about a really neat experience (well, not so neat at first) of when she went out to Connecticut I think, and was away from Peter, and was really worried about him because it's when she's gone that he doesn't do so well with his addiction. And she said she was at Time Out for Women out there with her sisters and mom or what not, and she was just worried about him, and she was sitting in a talk or something, and she said she just knew that Grandpa Froerer was sitting next to her and he said to her (something like), "Don't worry, I will take care of him." And she just knew it was Grandpa Froerer. Lindsay of course never met Grandpa Froerer, he died Christmas 1999, when Peter was on his mission. But she knew it was him. We were sitting in the pool, after having gone running on a Monday morning, when she was telling me about this, and we were both crying. It was one of the neatest things to hear, and I was so grateful, and flattered, that she would share that with me.

We also talked a lot about Peter, and things he struggles with, and her also, and parenting in general. And things I've noticed about him that worry me, and parenting techniques that I have noticed and admire in Camille. Like to choose your battles. Lindsay really liked and took to that simple idea.

It seems that Lindsay and I are really similar in the way that we both seem to be easy going, easy-to-get-along-with people, but with kids. She was saying she was always known as such, until she had kids, and they just try her patience. And I feel the same. I've realized over the years that kids are not my favorite age group to be around. I love kids, I love my nieces and nephews, and I really like being around kids, for limited amounts of time, but my favorite age to work with is teens. I've joked with Sally multiple times that I will give birth to my children, and then I will give them to my sisters to raise, and I will take them back when they are twelve. :) But as Lindsay and I were talking about this (on our way to the doctor's where Sally was waiting with Ella, and had Caleb too--we were going to rescue her and take Caleb back home with us) I realized, and said that maybe it's because kids test patience in a different way than she's ever experienced, and you haven't had all your life to master those ways and react in a patient way to them. I felt like that was kind of an epiphany, or maybe more accurately a teaching from the Spirit. I don't know. But it helped me to think about it in a different way, for which I was glad. That maybe that's why the prophets say not only do our children need us for their salvation, we need our children. Maybe it's to test and make us practice our patience in more ways than we have thus developed already. To become even more refined. I feel like that could be very true.

10 Oct 2011

Continuing with my TX trip...

So yeah, it was so great. One great thing was that before I went I honestly didn't know if Peter cared that I was coming, other than to tend his kids. But by the time I left, I knew that he does care, and he does love me. He treats me, and all his sisters for that matter, so well when we're around. He is so great. But something that started to really concern me is how he treats his kids. It's totally different than how he treats everyone else. He uses anger a lot towards the boys, and it's kind of scary. And I don't think it's very effective as far as helping behavior. Anyway, this so concerned me that I felt the need to bring it up to him, and I started an email last weekend, during conference, and just finished and sent it a few days ago.

I think I'll include a copy of it in here.

Hey Peter,

It was so great, in so many ways, to come to Texas. Not only was it a lot of fun to be on vacation and go to the beach and stuff, but I really enjoyed being around you guys, who I rarely see or talk to. Thanks for letting me stay at your house and for giving me rides and stuff. I got to spend a lot of time with Lindsay, and we talked about a lot of things, which I was so grateful for. She is one of few people who understand pretty much the exact stage of life I'm in--being graduated, having served a mission, and not married. Feeling old in Provo...:) And it meant so much to me to get to spend so much time with her. Your wife is amazing. Not perfect, none of us are, but she amazes me. And though I unfortunately didn't get to hang out with you a ton, I wanted to tell you what a great brother you are. Even though I don't hear from you much when I'm not actually around you, it was reconfirmed to me that you care and that you love me. I noticed more than ever before, being around you this time, how sweet you are to us, your sisters, and how much you love us. And I want to thank you for how you treat me, and all your sisters for that matter. Before I came, I honestly wasn't sure if you even really cared that I was coming to Texas, other than that I could tend the boys for you guys. But by the time I left, I knew that you really do care about me. And I am so grateful for the way you treat me and talk to me when I'm around. I know you would do anything for me, and that means a lot.

I also noticed something else more than I ever had before while I was there this time, which has really concerned me, to the point of me feeling very strongly about bringing it up to you. For this reason I have been thinking and praying about how to talk to you about it. So please know that I only bring this up out of love for you and for your family. While you are so kind and loving to your sisters and others around you, you are a very different person toward your kids, specifically Joey. It is really hard to see this Peter, because I know this is not the person you are. I don't doubt that you are doing what you feel is what your kids need, as far as disciplining and teaching them, but you use anger quite a bit, and it's scary to see you like that so much towards your kids. I see Joey get scared. Maybe it's not like this always, but when I was around you and the boys, you seem to be angry at them more often than not. And I'll be honest, if I had a parent who I felt like was always angry at me, and yelling and commanding, I would have behavior issues too. They don't get to see the fun side of you nearly enough. And you can be such a fun person to be around! :) They need you to have fun with them. Wrestle with them more, give them your undivided attention more. Show them that you like being with them. And if in all honesty, you don't like to right now, do those things, and you will. It's the old missionary trick--serve 'em and you'll love 'em.

Kids need to feel loved, then they feel secure and don't need to act out to get the attention they need. I don't doubt that you love your kids. As their father I'm sure you naturally do. But it's really hard to see that. When your kids do anything you don't approve of, you seem to snap really quickly, and immediately use anger. And I'm sure much of the reason is because of habit, which makes it hard to change. I know habits of any kind are sometimes hard to see you're even in, and even harder to get out of and change. For anyone. I definitely understand that. Which is part of the reason why I'm writing you this email. I believe in constructive criticism and helping one another become better people because we love them. I want to help you see what you are doing. It's too hard for me to believe this is the real you, Peter. Know that you can discipline without using anger. Harder said than done, I know that as well. Trust me, I've tended those sweet but trying boys of yours. :) But it can be done. Please don't let your kids grow up thinking that anger is always the way to react to problems and frustration. Try to have more fun with them, try not to take things so seriously and make the little things into such a big deal that you feel the need to yell all the time.

Peter, like I said, this isn't you. Please see that. You love people. You are so kind. You are so willing to serve. In the Church, as a dentist, as a son and a brother. I know this because I have seen you do it over the years. One of the things I always most admired about you after your mission (and I was even telling Lindsay about this the other day) was that anytime you were/are at home and mom asked you to do something, you would do it. Always. Without hesitation or complaint. I've always been so amazed by that and respect you so much for your willingness to serve your mother. You serve her because you love her. And you treat your sisters the same way. You are so kind and loving. You are remarkable. Treat your family the same way and they will see the kindness and care--the real Peter--that we get to. Let Joey see how kind you really are, and that you like him. Be patient with him. He's only six. He just barely was five. I actually had to remind myself of that when I was there too, he seems like he's older for some reason. But really, he's just a little kid, and very sensitive and impressionable. It's okay if he doesn't play a piano song correctly the first time. Or even the second. Try not to let that frustrate you Peter. It's just a piano song. Let him see that you love him and care about his feelings and his happiness more than about things like whether he plays the song correctly.

And I know you are probably thinking that I have no idea because I've never been a parent. And it's okay if you think that. But I am very observant to all my siblings and their parenting, I think partly because I know some of my own weaknesses that will test me as a parent, and I hope to be a good one one day. And because I so admire all of you for even being parents. I know it is so much harder than it looks. I constantly learn things about parenting tactics and notice correlations between the parenting and the behavior of their children. It's amazing how much how parents treat their children affects the kids, for better or worse. One thing I have learned from Camille is to choose your battles. Sometimes her boys will do things that I would instinctively/immediately stop or become disciplinary towards (if that even makes sense...) and she just lets it go, because in all reality, it really doesn't matter. It's amazing. She tells me she's decided she's got to pick her battles, otherwise she'd be stressed and disciplining all the time. She lets her kids be kids. She and Jake still discipline them, and she stops behavior that is very unsafe or what not, but it's amazing to watch her let things that really don't matter go. Like if the boys want to jump off the bunk bed ladder one more time while they're supposed to be going to bed, they let them. They let that fight go. And the other day, Christian was supposed to be coming to sit up for dinner, and he so bad wanted to go do something with the frisbee outside, and they could have put their foot down and stuck with that it was dinner time, not play time. But they did the wiser thing, turns out, and let him go outside and do it real quick, and then he was happy to come sit up. And it's so good for me to see this too, because I likely would have wanted him not to go outside and to come sit up, like I had just told him, y'know? But seeing Camille and Jake be a little more easy going, and not turning everything into a power struggle, is so good for me to see. That it's okay to not be so rigid, and how important and effective it is to personally play with their kids. They rarely yell, and I'm sure it's much less stressful too, to just let the small things go.

Anyway, again I hope you know that I really love you and just want the best for you and your family. And please don't think that I think you are a terrible parent, because that's probably what this email makes it sound like I think. I don't. I really don't. Joey and Kimball are lucky to have such a stalwart, spiritually strong, active, honest person for a father. And you are in an incredible position of influence for two young growing and developing boys, don't ever forget that. But don't just be their parent, be their friend.

I love you a lot, and am also so proud of you for fighting through the trial of addiction in your life. Don't let it get you down. Keep fighting, you are strong. We are all behind you and are praying for you. Thank you for being willing to fight it too. So many in this world don't, and I am SO grateful that you are.

Love,

Melissa

I feel like there are multiple reasons I was supposed to go to TX, and to stay there for as long as I did. Or if it's not accurate to say I was supposed to go for all these reasons, I can definitely say that I think there are multiple reasons that it was a blessing for me to be down there, for me and for them all down there. I was really glad I could help Sally so much around the house and with the kids, and Lindsay too. It was fun to hang out with Lindsay and have some really good talks with her. She and I are really similar in a lot of ways. And even though she is like 33 and I'm almost 25, I feel like we relate to each other and clique well in a lot of ways. It was so much fun to hang out with her so much. I feel like she would have been really fun to be roommates with. :)

But Sally and I think that maybe I am not married for others reasons than we before thought of.. I could not have just gone down, and it definitely would not have been the same if I had and been married. Sally told me that she and mom were talking about me when mom and dad were down there right after me, and mom said, "She's been good for all of us." Something to that effect. That really touched me. Mom doesn't voice feelings like that often, and I was so flattered that she would say something like that.

And I don't want to sound like I did so much good. But if I could just help people, spend the rest of my life helping people, I would love it. I love to help people, especially ones I love, in any way I can. And if I can be of help to my busy, amazing, sisters that are mothers, and my brothers who are busy working men and fathers, and nieces and nephews have a more fun day, I would do that any day. Thought I'm at a time in my life that I would love to be married, I feel blessed to still be single that I can do things like drop everything and go visit family.

So I feel like I can't just describe my trip as so fun, or a blast. I feel like it was so much more, that it was really fun, but so much more than just fun. It was more like significant and so meaningful. And I am so so grateful that I was blessed to be able to fly down and spend such a long time there.

So apparently you can retake the TEAS test. But can only take it twice. Just wanted to update that.

Summer roommate quote wall

This is the only quote I guess that made it onto the wall on my sticky notes, but it was a good one.:)

"Justin Bieber is one of those things that you can't admit until someone admits it first." -Haley

The start of my nursing journey

It has been so nice not to be in school and having to go to class, and to not have homework. That is for sure. It's definitely been different getting used to this new life I have, of no school. I've gotten to sleep in, not stress about always needing to study, I've been able to read for fun (imagine that!), blog, run errands, work without stressing about needing to study.. it's been great.

Now, for the last 2 days or so, I've been looking more into nursing schools (oh, by the way, I finally decided on a profession!! I want to be a nurse! No more PA school, I don't want to be a PA anymore. Just a nurse.) and it is becoming slightly stressful. Yesterday I said to Jessica, my roommate, "Don't graduate, it's too complicated." :) Yesterday I was stressed largely because I discovered a very close deadline at ISU, that was 7 days away, and if I wanted to apply, I had to pronto, and there are so many things you have to do to apply, like get IN to the school first, take the TEAS test, get a physical, immunizations, background check, send official transcripts.. and all these things have their own fee to them, so if I did apply, and somehow pull it all off in the next 6 or 7 days (oh yeah, and I would have had to petition a couple classes to substitute on their prereq list for what I have taken, and have that sent in in the next 5 days.), I would be nearly out of money. Oh, except I get paid in a couple days, so that would help, but still.

Anyway, so I was suddenly stressed, and didn't know if I should apply and just go for it and spend all this money and time doing it over the next week; then I ended up talking to Sally last night, and she reminded me that we just need to start moving for Heavenly Father to guide us, something that I had actually reminded her of in my blog, she said. I was glad she reminded me of that, that I already knew, and so quickly forgot apparently. So last night I decided to just at least apply to ISU and try to get in, and go from there.

Well, I did last night online, and paid the 40 bucks to apply, then today on the phone with the school found out that it takes 2-3 weeks just to find out if I got in. So that wasn't going to work. Plus, having to take this TEAS test--it's like the GRE, and I already learned once that if you don't prepare sufficiently (or at least if I don't), you don't do well; and the GRE you can retake, but the TEAS you cannnot. One shot is all you get. So I've also decided that I don't want to just blow it and take it real fast in the next few days and not do well. So I've decided not to apply to ISU, and I feel okay about that. Relieved, really. I lost $40, but at least that was all. And as Sally said last night, "it's just money." Not that we should just waste it, but money is not all life is about. And it seems that my guidance comes after I take a step in some direction, which includes paying something, and then I get my guidance...(could've saved me a couple hundred bucks...:) But oh well, I feel like it will be okay. My life is not in my hands, so I'm just trusting my Heavenly Father to keep guiding me and stop me when I shouldn't go any farther, and to take care of me financially. I'm doing what I should be in life, and living how I should, so I know that He will. And that includes financially. I'm not too worried. Also partly because of that blessing Isaac gave me that promised me that I would be okay financially, which is a reason I decided to just move into this apt, paying 300 a month (still hurts to think about). So I will be okay. I may need to scrimp and save, but I'll be okay.

No school tomorrow--weird!

So I just graduated on August 11, about 2 weeks ago. I still can't believe I graduated from college, that I have a degree. I have a degree! I made it. Six and a half years since I began here in Fall 2005, spending 4 1/2 years in school, with a mission in between, I have a college degree. It was definitely bitter sweet. I was glad for a break from school, but I absolutely love BYU. I have had such a great experience in so many ways here. With my major, the people I've met and become good friends with, my great professors and how they've influenced me, my amazing BYUSA experience(s), my love affair with the library, a new passion for reading sparked because of my Children's Lit class, loving the beautiful campus, all the fun activities and sports, seeing people all the time that I know (on campus) because I've now been here for so long.., and just sitting in a great lecture, learning so much from such excellent professors. I'm going to miss all those things.

However, tomorrow starts fall semester, and I must admit, I am SO glad not to have to go to class tomorrow, and not to have to start doing homework again for another 4 months, or have deadlines, have to study for tests, and always feel like I need to be studying. This I am glad I will not be experiencing. But it's definitely surreal that everyone really is starting the new semester tomorrow, and I am not.

I'll just be working, and playing, and painting (finally trying to finish that painting of Simon that Rosanna asked, and paid, me to do--like 4 years ago!), and blogging, and playing, and reading. Reading! I am so excited to read just for fun! I have a good list going of books I want to read. I think I might go to the library tomorrow and start on that list. After going to get my power steering checked...still need to do that...

my SALLY

Sally is one of the greatest blessings in my life. There are not words to describe the gratitude I feel for her. She is truly my angel. She's my best friend, that's why. She really is.

She's always been like my second mother, mom has even always told me that she liked to take care of me when I was little. But she and I are so emotionally identical, it's amazing. And it's so nice that we understand each other so completely, emotionally. For a long time, and sort of even still, we would say we both have "issues." By that we were referring to our emotional issues, which, if I had to actually define it, I would say that it's (at least partly) how people start to drive me crazy after a while and I have a meltdown. Or I just hit my limit with various situations, and breakdown and need to cry. Or how we just need a good cry every so often. She would probably add also how sometimes she will break down and cry, without knowing why she is.

We've always been pretty close, but we are closer now than we ever have been, and it's because she calls me so often. Sometimes every day. And even though she's in Texas, because we talk so often, she knows practically exactly what's going on in my life, and I in hers. She knows my boy happenings (and non-happenings) and who I'm interested in and what's happening with them and why they are being dumb.

I don't really have a best friend right now, and haven't for a while. Many of my past best friends have gotten married, Tisah and I aren't even friends any more, and Elise, who was basically my best friend winter semester, has been in Jerusalem all summer, and is engaged to be married this week (wow, I just realized how soon that is!), so it's kind of a bummer some days. I just really want a best friend, like a best guy friend. Like a husband.

But I am soooooooo blessed to have Sally. This summer she started calling me way more than usual (we used to talk every couple weeks or so), which has made me comfortable with just calling her anytime to talk to her about anything, because I know she cares. She has definitely shown that to me.

But I love her so much and really just can't describe the blessing she is to me in my life, especially through this Rob and Isaac saga (which, for the record, I think is over, both of them. Just days after the blessing, I found out Isaac was dating someone--yeah, who knew; and Rob has not done much to keep my interest, like actually using the telephone to call me and ask on an actual date. He just doesn't make me laugh and doesn't laugh with me like I really want in who I marry, either. So, interest basically gone.). I am eternally grateful for her, she truly is my best friend.

And I'm so excited to go visit her (and Joe and the kids and Peter and Lindsay and the kids...) in a couple weeks!

Amazing blessing, from Isaac

So since last night I've still just felt emotionally..confused. This whole Rob thing not turning out how I have expected or planned, or I guess I should say Rob himself not being what I expected, has totally taken me by surprise, and thrown me for a loop. I saw him at our stake sacrament meeting today, and just was in emotional turmoil when I looked and thought about him. I want to like him and have him like me, but he's just not everything I look for. But I know so many good qualities about him, I want those. And it was supposed to work out... but we don't share the same sense of humor..

Because of all this, and feeling more hopeless than usual at the question of if I'll ever find someone for me and get married, plus the added stress of trying to decide which apartment to live in (29 or 27, the ones on either side of me now), on top of moving right now, I've felt like I should get a blessing today. Isaac was the first that came to mind, so despite the irony of why I wanted a blessing (being primarily about a guy, and boy problems), I called and asked him for one. He just left, and it was the most amazing blessing I've ever had.

I wish I could have recorded it, it was really long and packed with statements of peace and comfort and promises, as well as exhortations and teachings too, and Isaac is so eloquent in speech and very well versed in scripture, and so spiritual and in tune with the Spirit. Here's some of it:

Your mother (earthly) is very fond of you and very proud of you. She loves you. You need to know this at this time. And she needs you at this time. And your father loves you just as much. The Lord has much He wants to tell you at this time, and He will tell you a lot through your parents, and other loved ones. They will be an anchor in your life, through times of trial and uncertainty?

Move forward. Every minute you sit here and dwell and think and analyze, the Lord lovingly chastises? you for not moving. Move forward. As you move forward the Lord will guide you. And even if you make mistakes as you go, He will NOT let you fall.

He talked a bit about how deep within me, since before this life, is this gift? to speak the language of the Spirit, and that I should practice it, daily?, as I read the scriptures, as I talk with loved ones, and with friends..

He promised me some blessings, three or so, and the third was in my search of someone with which to start my own family.

You are in the right place. Stay where you are (I feel like this means I am supposed to move into BDA 29, where I have been debating about, and had basically decided today to buy the contract).

He mentioned another group of three or so things, and I think it was the second when he told me I'll will be financially stable

Don't ever think that your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ don't love you. Don't ever feel that you are unworthy to pray.

You are at a sea of uncertainty.

..bless you to know what to do with work and school.. you feel alone, you don't know who to turn to (that got me, because I often don't. I don't really have a best friend right now. Lots of good friends, but no best friend. Isaac is my closest guy friend, but we only confide in each other every now and then. We only see each other at planned activities usually. I hope we can become closer and closer and just talk a lot, as good friends.)

He referenced Joseph Smith, when he felt alone, and couldn't be with the saints, and was facing a sea of uncertainty. Also Adam and Eve, as they were kicked out of the Garden, they came to a vast desert before them, and as well faced a sea of uncertainty.

Be flattered that you are going through this, like the prophets of old, their trials strengthened them...

He kept quoting the verse and promise that God will not give any commandment, save He shall prepare a way for me to accomplish that which He has commanded.

One day, when you are looking down on all your posterity, you will think back to this time, to this moment, and smile.

The Lord knows what you want. Even better than you know. He knows what you most want, and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want you to draw close to them.

Jesus Christ is a real being. The Book of Mormon is true. Christ went through everything so that He could better understand and know how to succor you. His Atonement is not just to cover sin, but to heal all things...

(about the Atonement) Do what is hard and kneel, alone and aloud, and pray to your Heavenly Father, and.. (pray to know how the Atonement can heal you)

It will heal your broken heart

Always strive to work on your testimony of the Restoration. Then he mentioned the person who I will marry will be..prepared for you..? and I will then be worthy of that blessing (so I feel like Heavenly Father wants me to grow in the Gospel and come closer to Them, and better myself and move forward (which the blessing told me again, grouped with what I'm saying) and that basically the time would come when these blessings will be realized). And that that/those blessings will be greater than I could ever even imagine (that was encouraging and exciting).

Your family loves you, you also have a lot of friends who love you.

He talked about the Lord being pleased with my work and sacrifice and time put in to building wards..

...the Kingdom of God, because you are a part of it. He said something about that I am or I will be a great woman. He emphasized great.

I bless you with an added measure of peace.

_____

Isaac is amazing. One of the sweetest parts of the blessing was that about half way through or so, as I had been crying from nearly the beginning, he began to be emotional too, and was strongly sniffling by the end. I was really touched. I don't know why, but it meant a lot. Afterwards, as he was leaving, after I had really thanked him for it, he sincerely thanked me for asking him to; then as we both stood in the doorway he told me that he needed that as well. We both stood there, looking at each other, and he said that it's really interesting, or surprising to him sometimes, what he feels prompted to say. I agreed. I told him that some things that I have recently been concerned about, but that I hadn't even thought about today (my relationship with Camille, specifically), he addressed. That was really neat. But as far as my relationship with Camille, I just haven't felt as close to her lately. Sally is really my only sibling that calls me regularly, and I'm so grateful for her for that. I wish Camille called me more, and that she asked more about my life and specifically boy happenings. But I have always been the type that if I don't get asked about stuff, I often won't just talk about things, about myself, because I feel like no one cares to hear it. Anyway, I have just been wishing more than ever lately that Camille would call me more, and ask me about stuff.

But back to Isaac and the blessing, yeah, it was absolutely amazing. That was one of two blessings that will probably always stick out in my head. The other one being the blessing President Hutchings gave me one day during my interview with him, when I was struggling so bad with forgiving Sister Arnell for how she treated me.

Anyway, Isaac and I have really neat connections. Part of me wishes even more that something could happen between us, because we've shared some neat experiences and conversations. But I know that whatever is supposed to happen will.

Bummer night with Rob

I feel rather depressed right now. So I just had sort of a date-ish with Rob. We watched Megamind at his apartment, and then chatted and hung out there for a little bit, and then he walked me home. We chatted for a few minutes on my porch, and then we hugged and he left.

I have been pretty sure that either he or Isaac were a good possibility of being the one, more specifically Rob, but after today, and even more so after spending time with Rob tonight, I'm not so sure he's for me. And I think I'm all shaken up about it because I was not expecting this. I have been expecting things to keep progressing like they have been between us, and that we would date, and things would likely go really well. There are a lot of specific things about him that have made me think we could really work out. But now, I'm not so sure, and I'm confused, and rather bummed... the main reason why is because I feel like he's a little too serious. Not like he's a serious person without a sense of humor, because he definitely is that. His blog, for example, is hilarious. He is a very talented, intellectually entertaining, writer. I have laughed out loud while reading it. And the two times we have watched movies together we both laugh at nearly all the same parts and it's great. And he can flirt with me, and make me laugh and I have been able to make him laugh while flirting. But when we are just chatting, it seems like he is just too serious, which makes me nervous and not-so-myself, and we all know what happens when I can't be myself. Nothing. The guy loses interest.

So sometimes I will make jokes just in our conversation, and he never really laughs at them, which is slightly discouraging. Because like during those movies, it has seemed like we have a similar sense of humor. But he's definitely more calm than me and more, yeah, serious, I'd say. And I definitely want someone that I can just always be myself with and be crazy and throw in jokes or stupid things in conversation, and get a reaction out of. But the thing is, I think back on other conversations Rob and I have had, like that first big one, that first miraculous day after institute a few weeks ago, and it was great, and I was more myself and we just chatted and joked some and it was great. I thought.

Anyway, I also have been feeling so much love and care for Isaac, and just want to be best friends with him, and still consider the possibility of something happening between us (even though it would take a miracle for him to actually ask me out, even though it is so obvious he likes being around me). He came to breakfast with us this morning, which was for Alisha (my awesome old roommate, she's been in town this week, and I love her so much), and it was fun with him, and afterwards I just felt so much love for him and just wanted to hang out with him. Anyway, so after Rob left I went over to say he to Sherry at her party, and then I was still just feeling so..ugh, about the whole Rob thing. I would have loved to see Isaac at that point. I feel like he is a safety net for me. So I texted him and asked him how the man show (gun show) was that he went to today, hoping to get a response, and feel a connection to and loved by at least someone. Or something.

But yeah, nothin. Nothing! He never texted me back! And I texted Sally to see if she was still awake right after I had gotten home (cuz she texted me while I was with Rob, asking why my hope in the male gender had been crushed once again), cuz I really really wanted to talk to someone, specifically her, about how I was feeling and what just happened. And SHE has never texted back either. So here I am, left to let it all out in my journal. Which is good.

So yeah, tonight I feel dejected by both Rob and Isaac, where recently I've been nervous about the possibility of having to pick between the two.

And maybe this isn't the end of the Rob possibility, but I'm not feeling so into him. I just liked so many things about him, from being with him, and hearing him teach, and reading his blog, that I think I had psyched myself into thinking I was likely going to be dating this great, amazing guy. And now that doesn't look so likely, and it's kind of disappointing. Even though it's me (possibly him too) that feels less interested. But the thing is, and this kills me, that I feel like we could be really good friends, if we were just friends first. I have never liked the whole first date feeling and then trying to be impressive right from the start. It's so much more natural, and so much easier, to be myself around a guy when I'm already good friends with him first, plus I definitely seem to be more attractive to guys when I am that way. But it has gone less toward that method more and more with Rob, as we've been very flirtatious, and then I act not as relaxed and myself as I wish I could when I'm at his apt., mainly because I still don't actually know him really well. And that's partly because we do things like watch movies for activities together. Aaa!

Anyway, I just think that if we were to become good friends, with no pressure, we could be a much more successful couple afterwards.

I hate the dating game!! I want to cry right now because I suddenly am back to feeling like I'm never going to get married!

I have to go clean now because my contract ends tomorrow (Sunday).

I'll keep waiting

This is an excerpt from a conversation Sally and I were having on gchat just now. She had heard from Mom that I had booted Isaac off the list, and I then told her that he redeemed himself some at church yesterday (after I was so annoyed with him by Sat. afternoon after Andy's wedding) so he was back on the list. Then she told me this:

"I said to Mom, something to the effect of you needing to find someone worthy of you, b/c i think you are amazing, and she said Yes, I agree--Melissa needs someone special & I think she's gonna have to be patient [waiting for that person to come along] I thought you might want to hear that!"

That was really touching, I nearly teared up. That made me feel so good to hear that Mom said that, makes me feel like I'll be able to wait for whenever it's time for him to come along. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but if not, it will be worth the wait, I'm convinced of that.

Beginning of the ROB saga (the EXCITING part!)

Man, I can't keep up with what's happening in here!

So less than 48 hours after this amazing answer to prayers of being able to talk to Isaac, a prayer that I had been praying nearly daily for weeks was also answered! And in the most miraculous and complete way!!

So at the beginning of the summer we started a new dinner group and in it was Joseph Sowa, and he brought along his brother, John, to be in the group too. One of John's roommates is a man by the name of Rob Martin, an attractive person, who also happens to be one of our stake institute teachers (teaches every other tuesday). He's 27, graduated, just working.

So at the beginning of the summer we had so many people in our dinner group that we only cooked once every three weeks (we had 12 people). The first time John cooked, we of course ate over at his apt, at Academy Arms (not in our ward, just down the street a couple blocks) and there we met John's roommates, Enoch, Tyler, and Rob.

I was most interested in getting to know Rob better, but there were a bunch of us there, and a few of them, and it would have been weird if I had just singled him out to talk to. So I just casually tried to get to know each of them a little.

Then three weeks later we were there again for dinner and this time I was the last one there, because of a test I had taken, and I ended up being at the table by myself for dinner. I started chatting with Rob, complimenting him on his lesson that week, and so he came over and sat down at the table with me, and we chatted for a min. But they had a political debate on tv, which he had been sort of watching, and I didn't want to take him away from it, so I didn't try to talk to him a whole lot more. He eventually got up and went back to the couch, which is when I regretted not trying to talk to him more.

But chatting with him just for those couple minutes or what not was really great, and I felt like he and I could really get along. I really wanted to get to know him better. Like really bad. I started feeling really strongly about this. Not like he was the one strongly, but I just really wanted to get to know him better and see perhaps what could come of it.

So I started praying for this, for the opportunity to get to know him better--to run into him somewhere or be able to talk to him at institute or something. So for weeks, literally, this was part of my prayer, daily. Literally. And I couldn't really do much to make this happen because I hardly ever saw him. Only at institute, and every three weeks for dinner group (except John ended up only cooking those 2 times I think, then kind of dropped out or something, and went out of town). So to help Heavenly Father help me, I attended institute very faithfully, I even started going running outside to run past his apartment complex, just in case he might be outside or something.

So then, it was the Tuesday right after that Sunday that I miraculously got to talk to Isaac, and I was excited to go to institute and see Isaac, and hopefully sit by him, like we often had, because I wasn't annoyed with him anymore, and I was actually excited to see him cuz things were so good between us now.

Then part way through the day I thought to myself, "he's not going to be there. Because I'm excited to see him, he's not even going to be there." But then I thought, well, if he's not there, maybe I'll get to talk to Rob.

So I went, and Isaac didn't show up, and I couldn't see Rob. And I thought, "Why did I even come??" Literally, those two males were the reason I went that night. Then I felt like I was wasting my time there, when I needed to study for a test anyway. So I studied for my test nearly the whole time (but it was for Pearl of Great Price, so it was okay:). I did get things out of institute too, don't worry.

So institute ends, the prayer is said, and I hadn't even gotten up yet, and I look over and there suddenly is Rob Martin, out of the blue, at the end of our aisle. I was the second seat in, and we made eye contact, and he looked like he wanted to say something to me, but felt kind of awkward or nervous, and I couldn't believe he was right there, and so I said hey, and started talking to him. He asked what had happened to the dinner group, basically why we hadn't been over in a while, and I had told him John had dropped out or something, that we hadn't heard from him in a while.

Anyway, long story short, we ended up walking out together and stood there chatting for like 20 minutes, until nearly everyone was gone, and then we headed out and walked home together. The whole time I couldn't believe I was actually talking to him and that it was going SO well.

Oh, funny sidenote, so one of the first things he said to me once we got out in the hall was (as he looked down at my shoes--I was wearing my Chacos, of course), "I like your shoes." And I looked down and said thanks, and then looked at his, and HE WAS WEARING THE SAME SHOES!! Chacos, but not only Chacos, BACKLESS Chacos, which I never see anyone wearing. He was only the second person ever that I've seen wearing backless ones. His were brown, while mine were black, but it was amazing. We stood there and had a whole conversation about our shoes, Chacos. I thought I had surely found the one. :)

On the way home we ended up talking about frisbee golf, which he plays avidly, and I told him I'd never played, to which he asked if I had ever wanted to learn, to which I said yes, I actually had, to which he then told me that John and he were going to go in the next couple days, and I was more than welcome to come. I asked when, and he said in the afternoon probably, to which I, disappointedly told him that I had this thing called school, which he said he'd heard of...

Anyway, we tried to figure out a time that would work, and we ended up in front of BDA, and he told me not to worry, that we could raincheck and go another time. Then he was like, "Let me get your number," which I was freaking out about inside--YES!!!! I think the angels may have even started singing. Then he was like, "Here, I'll text you so you have mine." Smart man. Love this.

Soon we came to a lull in the conversation and I'm sure he was about to leave, when I spontaneously decided to extend an invitation I had rehearsed in my head many a time, to be used in a situation just like this. A few months ago I had learned that it was possible to roast marshmallow and do s'mores on the Bell Tower lights, and ever since, I have wanted to try it, naturally. So I had many a times imagined getting into a great conversation with Rob (or any other guy would have been fine too, but I most often imagined it with Rob, as I had been praying for such to happen for weeks) and then asking if he had ever done that, and then asking if he would want to go do it with me.

So I did. I wasn't as smooth as I had always rehearsed me being in my head, but I suggested it, he'd never done it either, and he said sure. We ended up going basically right then. We went up to my apt to get the stuff, got in my car and drove to the store to get chocolate and tin foil, and then went to the Bell Tower.

It totally didn't work (we weren't doing it exactly right, I later found out), but it was a lot of fun to just talk. We chatted and chatted, about all kinds of things, during the whole adventure. I took him home and he was like, "well, I'll let you know about frisbee golf." And I said yeah, do, or something. And then he got out and went inside and I drove home, in disbelief of what had just happened.

Now telling the story in here, or to anyone else, it doesn't sound as miraculous as it truly was. Without physically doing it, I was bouncing off the walls. I couldn't contain myself. I had to tell someone. I almost texted or called my new chemistry lab friend, Ashley, who was one of the very few that even knew I was interested in this guy that taught Institute, but instead texted Sally, to ask if she was still awake. Thankfully, she was.

So I called her and told her and Joe the whole story, every amazing detail, practically hyperventilating the whole time. I was in shock of what had just happened. I seriously couldn't believe it. It was the most miraculous and completely answered prayer I had ever had (that's how I felt that night). It truly was the most amazing answer to prayer. I wish I had written in here that night, because if I had, the entry would have sounded something like this:

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA! The most amazing thing just happened to me!!!! Aaaaa!!!!! I can't believe it!!! I finally got to know ROB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, definitely would have been something very similar to that. :) I really was SO excited and so could NOT believe what had just happened. I definitely was NOT able to focus for a long time after that, when I really needed to read for my first aid test in the morning... needless to say, I was up late reading. :) But it was totally TOTALLY worth it. :)

A happy ending? to the Isaac saga

Holy cow, so much to update on in the last eight days. So many great things (Isaac, Rob, and then an amazing weekend in ID)!

So to start with: an update, and finally a good one, on the Isaac saga. So about nine days ago, it was the end of the week, and I couldn't stop thinking about the whole Isaac situation, and how he apparently was dating Kindal, but was still flirting with me (the Sunday before, here at our apt, that episode), and by the end of that week, I just wanted to be able to talk to him about it and get it off my chest and clear the air. Oh, I remember. I basically stopped flirting back with him because I was so irritated that he was flirting with me when as far as I knew he was dating someone, from what I had been told my Jenni in the ward, and from his lack of response when I asked him directly via text the Sunday before. So I was not being the usual friendly, flirtatious me around him, just a nice person, just treating him like everyone else, and after a couple days of that, I felt like he noticed and wasn't as excited around me, and then it was just weird between us and I didn't like it. Like at the ward water party at Rock Canyon park that Saturday.

So I decided I had to talk to him about it all and get my questions answered and clear the air.

So Sunday morning I started praying, basically throughout the day, that I would get the chance to talk to him, and that I would have the courage to take it and do so.

So long story short, by definite divine intervention, I did get the chance to talk to him, and we went on a walk together after ward prayer, and we chatted about stuff for a bit, about Andy and his challenges with being engaged (Isaac is actually really good friends with Andy), and other things. Then it finally came time to stop stalling and just ask him what I needed to ask him.

So the three questions that I wanted answers to were these:

1. Have you ever been interested in me, like it has seemed like you have been? and if so, why didn't you ever do anything?

2. Are you really dating Kindal?

3. If so, why are you still flirting with me?

So I started by telling him that I think he is a great guy, and that I have a lot of respect for him and admire him in a lot of ways, and that over the last few months as we've become better friends I have been interested in him, off and on, and it has seemed very much like he's been interested in me, but then he never did anything, so I was confused, so I just wanted to know if he ever really was interested in me.

At this point he was like, "Is this where I respond?" :) and I was like "yes, this is where you respond." :)

And then he said, "First of all, I want to thank you for being so straight forward." I was pleasantly surprised by this reaction. And then he said something to the effect of, "And in answer to your question, yes."

And I was like, "Do you want to elaborate on that...?":)

And I don't remember what exactly he said to that, but I asked him why he never did anything, and he said how people do funny things sometimes, or something to that effect, and also referred to the rough ex-engagement he had gone through, that he had confided in me about back in like February, and how he was now more scared/cautious to do anything with girls. And I could understand that, it made sense.

We ended up talking for a long time, about various things. I asked about the whole sarcasm thing, and why he does that with me?? He said he didn't know, with a smile, and I asked him if he did that with anyone else, and he said no, except a little with Catherine, but just because she is so ridiculous, he said. Around this time he looked at me and said, "You are really fun," in a really sincere, fun way, and I knew he meant it, wholeheartedly, and I was really flattered. Because he is really fun.

So then I asked him what is going on with Kindal (earlier in the evening, after the fireside that night, I passed him in the JSB, and we were both alone, and he was like, "by the way, in answer your question, no, we're not dating." And I was like, "really?" I was really surprised. And he said, "No, at least not yet." And he mentioned how she had just gone out of town for a while, and they weren't yet.) So now I needed to know exactly what was going on between him and Kindal. Then it seems like he paused for a second and said this is top secret. And then looked at me and said, "Are you a talker?" and I said, "no." And he said, "K, I because I trust you." Something like that. I was flattered, and glad, at that too. He then proceeded to tell me that basically he started dating Kindal, to essentially try it out, and that he has since decided that he doesn't want to date her. Specifically for reasons like he doesn't want certain girls to raise his kids. That sounds a lot more harsh than it is or was. Anyway, so that was a surprise too, and good to know, and really good to hear.

We ended up sitting down on a curb and chatting for longer. We talked about his crisis/breakup with his ex-fiance, because I asked him more about it. I am grateful that he trusts me enough to confide in me like he has.

I then approached the subject of the present and how he feels now about me, by asking him if he is still interested. He was like, "you mean, like am I still attracted to you?" And in my head I was like, well, no, that's not what I'm asking, but since you mentioned it, sure, you can answer that question...:) But I just said, "Well, yeah, is there still interest there?" And he said, "yes, I'm still attracted to you."

Huh. What do you say to that. Or do at that point? So I just sat there, in silence, thinking of what to say or do. I think I even said, "huh" as I thought. This was just not what I had expected to hear, and I didn't quite know what to do or think. I mean it was really flattering and fun to hear, but what do you do..? Then he was like, "You?" and I said, "Yeah, I mean, I'm interested to see where things could go.."

Then after some more silence, I was like, "Is there anything you want to do about this..?" Yeah.. And he was, "Well, the week and a half makes it hard.." He was to be leaving in a week and a half for Israel for a month, to see if he wanted to go there for grad school, for two years.

Then he asked me my thoughts on it, and I said yeah, the week and a half makes it hard. And then I said, "So I'm going to leave the ball in your court." And he was like, "Well, if the ball is in my court, I feel like I shouldn't leave you hanging.." And I didn't want him to feel pressured or anything, about it, so I was like, "No, no, you don't need to give me an answer, or decide anything right now, that's not..no..."

So that was basically what we ended at. Not too much more was said. After all, what more could be said, really. So we got up and walked back, talking about just other various things.

After getting home I felt like I had this huge load lifted off my shoulders. I was literally elated! It felt SOOO good to have had that conversation with him and get all my questions answered, let alone to learn that he in fact had been interested, and was still currently attracted to him. Wow, I sure got lucky. But I really was so so blessed to have the opportunity that night to talk to him, and for how well it went.

President Hutchings' Homecoming

Today was one of the greatest days of my life since my mission. It was my mission president's homecoming.

It was in Lehi, and even my parents came, which meant a lot to me, and I loved. I texted my mom and dad tonight to thank them for coming and tell them that it really meant a lot to me that they wanted to be there and that they got to see a glimpse of why my mission meant the world to me. And mom responded with this text, I always want to remember it.

"Thanks! We are really glad we came, too. It was a very special experience for us. We can see why you loved your MP and wife so much. What great people! And the spirit of your mission was definitely there. Yes, we can see why you loved it so much, and why you had such a hard time leaving it-they did too. Thanks for letting us be there! Love, Mom and Dad. PS-Did you have fun afterward?"

That text meant a lot to me, that she can hopefully understand better now why it was so hard for me to come home. I had a really hard time coming home from my mission, harder than a lot of people. And I wasn't myself for a while after, especially at home with my parents. I know they were worried about me and didn't know what to do with me. And at the time I just missed my mission so much and wanted them to understand why, but they never really asked, or even asked about my mission much, which hurt. I don't think they meant it that way, but I felt like they didn't (or Mom, specifically) want to hear about the most incredible experience I had just had, which meant the world to me, and was all I knew then.

I've since been able to try to understand the situation from their side better, plus being home for so long, I've definitely adjusted by now, but it's still not a pleasant memory. So that's partly why it meant to much for mom and dad to be there, to see that they wanted to experience more of my mission and meet the man that means the world to me, my mission president.

The meeting was so neat. Andrew Jackson drove up there with me, and we got there early for the choir rehearsal. Any who wanted to sang in the missionary choir a rendition of "Ye Elders of Israel" that Sister Heidenrich (?) arranged. So we arrived and I headed up to the front, and Pres. Hutchings was in the aisle, so I got to see and hug him again, which I loved.

Oh--so last night Emily had arranged a fun sisters social event with Pres. and Sister Hutchings, where any sisters nearby, or who wanted to come, met them at Farr's ice cream place, by the mall, and we got to see them for the first time since they got home. It was soooo so great to see them. When I walked in that door, I saw Sister Hutchings first, talking to Kayla Bueler (Rothlisberger now) and hugged them, and she pointed to where the rest were, at the back, and I looked back there, and saw Pres., who was looking at me, and we made eye contact, and I got so excited and started kind of running back to him, and he stood up and put his ice cream down and came around the trash and we hugged, and it was so exciting.

I ended up sitting down, and then he specifically came over and was like, "I need to sit by Sister Gurr," or "I need to talk to Sister Gurr" or something like that, and came over and sat kiddie corner to me, and asked me about the PA situation (he was going to write one of my letters of rec.), and I told him the whole situation of now trying to decide between nursing and PA and liking different things about both. He's a great listener, he sits there and will listen to you 100% and he makes you feel like you are worth a million bucks and like he has all the time in the world for you. I love him.

Unfortunately he didn't solve my problem, but I'm glad I was able to talk to him about it. He told me some great things about PAs and about one of his sons in law or bros in law or someone who is a PA and loves it. ...(sigh)..I don't know what to be...

So then we kind of all just chatted, and it was so fun! I talked a lot with Kayla (Sister Buhler), which was really great to, and Sister Lutz even was there! And it was just like old times, it was so so fun to have her there!

So anyway, back to today. So Pres. Hutchings hugged me again when he saw me as I walked up the aisle to the front of the chapel to practice, and I just love hugging him. I love him so much and I know he loves me, and it is so priceless to me, his hugs now, cuz I couldn't hug him for so long (except the one hug at the airport from him that I will never forget, where we were both just crying).

We practiced, and then the meeting started, and I sat by Sister Lutz (now Evans) and her husband, Kyle, which was so neat to sit with her again. Cassie (Sister Thacker) sat by me til we sang.

The first thing in the program was our song, which mom and dad said sounded really great. I couldn't get through the last verse without crying, which probably started it all..

Then Sister Hutchings spoke, and started out by speaking about how amazing the missionaries are and stuff like that, which really got me crying. She is an amazing speaker, I love listening to her. She never stutters or says um or pauses, she just speaks slow and steady and with such confidence and testimony. She is so sweet, I love her too, of course.

Then it was the "original six" that sang, from the original traveling group of "Songs of the Savior" and they sang "I Know He Lives," and it was beautiful. Maybe even more beautiful than on the mission. :) But wow, such a beautiful song and spirit, and voices.

Then it was President and he technically had five minutes left, and I was hoping he would talk longer, because I love listening to him, he is such a spiritually powerful man. We were blessed to listen to him for about twenty minutes, and I cried through much of his talk. He started out by not even being able to speak, he was so emotional and choked up, which made me cry a ton. The meeting, and especially him speaking and the sadness they had in being home from their mission completely brought back the emotions of sadness from when I came home, and I just feel for them. But I was sure a water works.

He ended up telling just a few specific stories of missionaries and one of them was of my sweet Sister Rigley, and how she changed and how her testimony basically grew from the ground up over her mission. That was neat to hear about again, I'm so proud of her. And he also told about when we filled the font, just because I felt prompted to, and then found no one to baptize, and then found and baptized the Ward family before I went home. I love him so much for how he got me through that hard time of not finding anyone to baptize, and the care he had for me/us, so much that he prayed that night about our situation and why it happened that way, and for what he taught me. As he told it today, the Lord told him (and he told me) the "My ways are not your ways," and that it wasn't that someone was supposed to be baptized that night, but that the Lord wanted to see if I would do it, fill the font. And then because of that act of faith, I was blessed with being able to baptize a family before I went home (which, as Pres. tells it, was one of my greatest desires on the mission.). That was such an incredible, sacred, special experience, because of the emotions of it, being so crushed and confused as to why I was so prompted to fill the font, and the Conleys came and everything, and we invited everyone we could think of that could qualify, to be baptized that night, and then no one was. To the incredible blessings we saw in the next couple weeks with teaching and baptizing the Wards, and having Pres. there all along the way and care so much about me/us and recognize and point out that connection and direct blessing of my act of faith. He said that after the font-filling experience, that Bishop Day called him and told him he had never seen a greater act of faith in any missionary (something to that effect). That meant a lot to hear too, Bishop Day was so special to me too, I loved him. But Pres. has never forgot that whole experience (he has referred to it multiple times in conversation with me since, and apparently would tell it periodically to missionaries) and it meant more to me than I can say that that was one of the few stories he chose to share today.

I of course was an emotional wreck by the end of his talk, and kept crying even through the song and prayer. I eventually got myself under control, and I walked up with my parents so they could meet President Hutchings. That was a neat experience in itself, he bent down and side-hugged me (he was still on the stand, we were on the ground) when we all started talking. He said many really nice things about me, called me a "pistol." :)

Afterward there was a social thing, with food at like a reception place down the street, where we had lunch and got to socialize and Andrew showed the slideshow he made for them. It was really fun to catch up with missionaries, and so great to spend more time with President.

We were there basically until everyone else left, minus the senior missionaries helping with the food and cleaning up, and when I finally got to talk to Pres. he hugged me again and said "thank you for waiting around," and sorry that I haven't been able to talk to you, or something to that effect. That meant a lot to me, I felt like he really wanted more time to talk with me, specifically. Elder Santos' wife, Ashley, was there with me, waiting to ride home with us, which might have been why Pres. and I didn't really talk much more, she talked with him some, and mostly I just listened in, but that was enough for me. I just love being with him. I've missed him so much. I told him I was so glad that they were back, that I'd been waiting like a year and a half for them to come home.:) And that I was sad for them, but glad. As we stood there we would say a few things, and at one point he just gave me a side hug as we were standing there, just like we were old buddies. I love him so much, there are not words to describe. I would tell him anything, talk to him about anything. I miss being around him and talking to him regularly as a missionary. But it was so so good to see and be with them, so good.

I got his and Sister Hutchings new numbers from him, and he said, "Call anytime, day or night, you know that." And I do, I know he really would welcome any call from me, from anyone really, at anytime and for any reason. And he would completely give me his whole attention and care about everything I said. He is amazing. I love him so much.

Today was amazing. It was like being in this happy place away from the cares and worries of my life or the world. And when I got back to Provo, it felt funny, kind of like a let down. And I thought to myself, "back to reality."

The Isaac saga thickens

So I've been so frustrated with Isaac, right? Well, I talked to Emily and Thomas (McConkie) about him the other night and as much as I would like to say I just don't care and whatever, but in all honesty, I do care. Isaac is a great guy, and I enjoy being with him. I have a lot of respect for him in a lot of ways.If we could just go back to how things were before all this sarcasm business, things could be so good. And I really would like to see where things could go with him.

Anyway, so I talked to them about him, and kind of voiced my frustrations to them. And Thomas, being the great voice of reason that he always is, convinced me that I really need to talk to him. So I decided the next time I get a chance, I would. If for nothing else, to find out if there was really anything there between us for him, and if not, no big deal, I'll just move on.

So I've been thinking a lot about him and about the situation, and on the way home from our RS sleepover at the Becksteads this morning, as I was in the car with Jenny from the ward, we were talking about dating and I ended up telling her all about the Isaac situation and my issues and frustrations and then at the end I told her who I was talking about.

She then proceeded to tell me that basically he actually just got with someone, like just barely this week. That there's a girl that's liked him and kind of been trying for months for him, and he's not done anything with her either, until somehow I guess they just barely got together.

Wow. Ouch. Ouch? How do I react to that.

Bummer.

At first it was okay, it maybe explained some things.

The rest of the car ride I just tried to brush it off, and told Jenny I was glad she told me, that it was good to know. And that was true. I was so curious to know who it was, she was in our ward and she lives in BDA, I got that much out of her, but she wouldn't tell me who it is.

However, I figured out that, at least I'm pretty dang sure, that it's Kindal. Which is fine.

But then when I got home it set in. I felt rejected. Again.

And that kind of put me in a bummer mood all day. Plus I never really had any stimulating social interaction today, which didn't help. I don't have classes on fridays (today), so I don't see class mates, but I was on campus for a few hours, but still nothing much. I got a lot done, but was also alone with my thoughts pretty much the whole day too.

I thought a lot about how much I would like to be in a relationship, or even just have a good guy friend, that I could hang out with and see often, who would like to see me often too. I so crave even just a friendship like that. I really don't have any good guy friends, not ones outside of classes. And I miss that. I miss feeling wanted to be around by guys, to just hang out or whatever.

But I guess part of it is that I'm at an age where I don't just hang out...I dunno, no...actually I think a more part of it is that I just don't know a lot of guys that are older, or at least my age, that I would want to hang out with all the time. No, I guess I just really just don't have good guy friends. I just don't have a group of guy friends anymore, all the guys that I used to be good friends with before my mission have gotten married or moved away. Bummer.

It's kind of a lonely time of life I'm in right now. And I'm really not always depressed like this, which is probably how I sound here, or a lot lately. But I just really would love to be done with the single scene. I just don't have any really good friends, that aren't married. I really don't. I know a bunch of people in the ward and wherever, and have a bunch of friends, but none really that I hang out with all the time or confide in regularly. And I want that so bad.

And I know it'll come and it'll happen when it's supposed to, and that my life is very in God's hands, but it's just hard to wait, y'know?

Oh, so by this afternoon I wasn't feeling quite so down about the Isaac thing. Depending on the minute I feel like Kindal is better for him anyway. He was a music major and is very into music, and she is very musically talented too. I like music, but I'm more athletic than musical, I would say. Anyway, things like that. But I also have kind of decided that maybe he has been interested in me but hasn't known how I felt, so has been scared to do anything. I've analyzed events from the Manti Pageant trip last weekend over and over, coming to multiple conclusions, including my last clue to that it is Kindal. But things he did that trip, I just can't help but think he feels something for me. Maybe she was just more forward with him. I'm not one to compete at all, but this time I kind of feel like trying. So this afternoon I texted a few people a mass text, inviting them to come scalp tickets with us (Jessica and me) tomorrow for the Stadium of Fire, and I texted him too, but I personalized his. I wanted to see what he would say. Oh, and he's up in Lake Tahoe for the weekend (at least), which I knew, but I wanted to invite him anyway, to see what he would say. Is that bad?

He responded very quickly actually, and said, "I would love to, but I'm in Lake Tahoe with my family."

It made me feel good that he at least said he would love to.

So I responded and said Fun, yada yada, and that we'll just have to do something again later. And is he up there just for the weekend?

I suddenly felt brave and bold and didn't really care that that was more forward than I've probably ever been with him (essentially wanting to know when he'd be back, and suggesting I wanted to do something later).

He said, "Yep, indeed," which I took to mean yes, he'll be there the weekend, and indeed, we would have to do something later. But that may have been like a general yeah, sure... I kind of wanted to see what he'd say and do with that because of this recent development with Kindal (or so I'm assuming).

Anyway, now all I can do is wait til he gets back and see what happens and hope I get a chance to talk to him before they become a public item.

Ok, I gotta go to bed now. Hopefully tomorrow will be more lively and fun. Today was a good day though, I got a lot done, and the temple was nice.