8 Oct 2011
Now, almost a week later, I am returning to continue writing about my awesome Texas trip.
When I first got there, I was like, I am going to be here forever.. what was I thinking booking my trip for 2 weeks??! I felt like that might be too long, once I was there. But then later I remembered that when I was booking my flight, I was also praying and making sure it was okay that I stayed for two weeks, and I didn't feel wrong about it. I felt okay about staying that long (like financially, etc.). So I booked it. But once I was in TX and I was feeling worried/stressed about staying so long, I remembered this and felt like it would be okay, and to enjoy my time there, and that there must be a reason I would be there for so long.
And I really feel like there was.
Not only was it a lot of fun--we went down to Corpus Christi to the beach, I went to the gym and worked out a lot with Lindsay, Lindsay gave me swimming lessons, she got me hooked on hummus and eating more produce, like fresh bell peppers (yum!), I got to play with the kids (Caleb and Ella, and Joey and Kimball) a LOT, I tended Peter's boys once; Lindsay, Sally, and I went to the RS broadcast and then to get ice cream after; Sally and I started on our book!: we took a bunch of pictures for the illustrations, and I drew and started painting the first one--it was so exciting; Sally and I watched movies (Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken, Man From Snowy River, the classics:), Lindsay and I watched and got involved with Biggest Loser (I LOVE that show, makes me want to work out!:); Joe, Sally, and I played Boggle a few nights, and.... other things, I'm sure, that I can't think of. Anyway, it was really fun, and really great to be down there for so long, long enough to be kind of a part of the family down there, a part of their everyday lives for a little bit, and know what's going on. For that reason I need to now do better at staying in contact with Peter and Lindsay individually. Because once it's been so long, it's hard to just give them a call and chat or what not. I should do that tomorrow, maybe.
But besides all the fun, vacation stuff, it was just so great, so good to be able to spend a lot of time with Lindsay, and be around Peter more. Lindsay and I got to talk quite a few times about things, like how Peter is doing, how she is doing, how she and Peter are doing; things that happened between them this summer, good and bad. She told me about a really neat experience (well, not so neat at first) of when she went out to Connecticut I think, and was away from Peter, and was really worried about him because it's when she's gone that he doesn't do so well with his addiction. And she said she was at Time Out for Women out there with her sisters and mom or what not, and she was just worried about him, and she was sitting in a talk or something, and she said she just knew that Grandpa Froerer was sitting next to her and he said to her (something like), "Don't worry, I will take care of him." And she just knew it was Grandpa Froerer. Lindsay of course never met Grandpa Froerer, he died Christmas 1999, when Peter was on his mission. But she knew it was him. We were sitting in the pool, after having gone running on a Monday morning, when she was telling me about this, and we were both crying. It was one of the neatest things to hear, and I was so grateful, and flattered, that she would share that with me.
We also talked a lot about Peter, and things he struggles with, and her also, and parenting in general. And things I've noticed about him that worry me, and parenting techniques that I have noticed and admire in Camille. Like to choose your battles. Lindsay really liked and took to that simple idea.
It seems that Lindsay and I are really similar in the way that we both seem to be easy going, easy-to-get-along-with people, but with kids. She was saying she was always known as such, until she had kids, and they just try her patience. And I feel the same. I've realized over the years that kids are not my favorite age group to be around. I love kids, I love my nieces and nephews, and I really like being around kids, for limited amounts of time, but my favorite age to work with is teens. I've joked with Sally multiple times that I will give birth to my children, and then I will give them to my sisters to raise, and I will take them back when they are twelve. :) But as Lindsay and I were talking about this (on our way to the doctor's where Sally was waiting with Ella, and had Caleb too--we were going to rescue her and take Caleb back home with us) I realized, and said that maybe it's because kids test patience in a different way than she's ever experienced, and you haven't had all your life to master those ways and react in a patient way to them. I felt like that was kind of an epiphany, or maybe more accurately a teaching from the Spirit. I don't know. But it helped me to think about it in a different way, for which I was glad. That maybe that's why the prophets say not only do our children need us for their salvation, we need our children. Maybe it's to test and make us practice our patience in more ways than we have thus developed already. To become even more refined. I feel like that could be very true.
10 Oct 2011
Continuing with my TX trip...
So yeah, it was so great. One great thing was that before I went I honestly didn't know if Peter cared that I was coming, other than to tend his kids. But by the time I left, I knew that he does care, and he does love me. He treats me, and all his sisters for that matter, so well when we're around. He is so great. But something that started to really concern me is how he treats his kids. It's totally different than how he treats everyone else. He uses anger a lot towards the boys, and it's kind of scary. And I don't think it's very effective as far as helping behavior. Anyway, this so concerned me that I felt the need to bring it up to him, and I started an email last weekend, during conference, and just finished and sent it a few days ago.
I think I'll include a copy of it in here.
Hey Peter,
It was so great, in so many ways, to come to Texas. Not only was it a lot of fun to be on vacation and go to the beach and stuff, but I really enjoyed being around you guys, who I rarely see or talk to. Thanks for letting me stay at your house and for giving me rides and stuff. I got to spend a lot of time with Lindsay, and we talked about a lot of things, which I was so grateful for. She is one of few people who understand pretty much the exact stage of life I'm in--being graduated, having served a mission, and not married. Feeling old in Provo...:) And it meant so much to me to get to spend so much time with her. Your wife is amazing. Not perfect, none of us are, but she amazes me. And though I unfortunately didn't get to hang out with you a ton, I wanted to tell you what a great brother you are. Even though I don't hear from you much when I'm not actually around you, it was reconfirmed to me that you care and that you love me. I noticed more than ever before, being around you this time, how sweet you are to us, your sisters, and how much you love us. And I want to thank you for how you treat me, and all your sisters for that matter. Before I came, I honestly wasn't sure if you even really cared that I was coming to Texas, other than that I could tend the boys for you guys. But by the time I left, I knew that you really do care about me. And I am so grateful for the way you treat me and talk to me when I'm around. I know you would do anything for me, and that means a lot.
I also noticed something else more than I ever had before while I was there this time, which has really concerned me, to the point of me feeling very strongly about bringing it up to you. For this reason I have been thinking and praying about how to talk to you about it. So please know that I only bring this up out of love for you and for your family. While you are so kind and loving to your sisters and others around you, you are a very different person toward your kids, specifically Joey. It is really hard to see this Peter, because I know this is not the person you are. I don't doubt that you are doing what you feel is what your kids need, as far as disciplining and teaching them, but you use anger quite a bit, and it's scary to see you like that so much towards your kids. I see Joey get scared. Maybe it's not like this always, but when I was around you and the boys, you seem to be angry at them more often than not. And I'll be honest, if I had a parent who I felt like was always angry at me, and yelling and commanding, I would have behavior issues too. They don't get to see the fun side of you nearly enough. And you can be such a fun person to be around! :) They need you to have fun with them. Wrestle with them more, give them your undivided attention more. Show them that you like being with them. And if in all honesty, you don't like to right now, do those things, and you will. It's the old missionary trick--serve 'em and you'll love 'em.
Kids need to feel loved, then they feel secure and don't need to act out to get the attention they need. I don't doubt that you love your kids. As their father I'm sure you naturally do. But it's really hard to see that. When your kids do anything you don't approve of, you seem to snap really quickly, and immediately use anger. And I'm sure much of the reason is because of habit, which makes it hard to change. I know habits of any kind are sometimes hard to see you're even in, and even harder to get out of and change. For anyone. I definitely understand that. Which is part of the reason why I'm writing you this email. I believe in constructive criticism and helping one another become better people because we love them. I want to help you see what you are doing. It's too hard for me to believe this is the real you, Peter. Know that you can discipline without using anger. Harder said than done, I know that as well. Trust me, I've tended those sweet but trying boys of yours. :) But it can be done. Please don't let your kids grow up thinking that anger is always the way to react to problems and frustration. Try to have more fun with them, try not to take things so seriously and make the little things into such a big deal that you feel the need to yell all the time.
Peter, like I said, this isn't you. Please see that. You love people. You are so kind. You are so willing to serve. In the Church, as a dentist, as a son and a brother. I know this because I have seen you do it over the years. One of the things I always most admired about you after your mission (and I was even telling Lindsay about this the other day) was that anytime you were/are at home and mom asked you to do something, you would do it. Always. Without hesitation or complaint. I've always been so amazed by that and respect you so much for your willingness to serve your mother. You serve her because you love her. And you treat your sisters the same way. You are so kind and loving. You are remarkable. Treat your family the same way and they will see the kindness and care--the real Peter--that we get to. Let Joey see how kind you really are, and that you like him. Be patient with him. He's only six. He just barely was five. I actually had to remind myself of that when I was there too, he seems like he's older for some reason. But really, he's just a little kid, and very sensitive and impressionable. It's okay if he doesn't play a piano song correctly the first time. Or even the second. Try not to let that frustrate you Peter. It's just a piano song. Let him see that you love him and care about his feelings and his happiness more than about things like whether he plays the song correctly.
And I know you are probably thinking that I have no idea because I've never been a parent. And it's okay if you think that. But I am very observant to all my siblings and their parenting, I think partly because I know some of my own weaknesses that will test me as a parent, and I hope to be a good one one day. And because I so admire all of you for even being parents. I know it is so much harder than it looks. I constantly learn things about parenting tactics and notice correlations between the parenting and the behavior of their children. It's amazing how much how parents treat their children affects the kids, for better or worse. One thing I have learned from Camille is to choose your battles. Sometimes her boys will do things that I would instinctively/immediately stop or become disciplinary towards (if that even makes sense...) and she just lets it go, because in all reality, it really doesn't matter. It's amazing. She tells me she's decided she's got to pick her battles, otherwise she'd be stressed and disciplining all the time. She lets her kids be kids. She and Jake still discipline them, and she stops behavior that is very unsafe or what not, but it's amazing to watch her let things that really don't matter go. Like if the boys want to jump off the bunk bed ladder one more time while they're supposed to be going to bed, they let them. They let that fight go. And the other day, Christian was supposed to be coming to sit up for dinner, and he so bad wanted to go do something with the frisbee outside, and they could have put their foot down and stuck with that it was dinner time, not play time. But they did the wiser thing, turns out, and let him go outside and do it real quick, and then he was happy to come sit up. And it's so good for me to see this too, because I likely would have wanted him not to go outside and to come sit up, like I had just told him, y'know? But seeing Camille and Jake be a little more easy going, and not turning everything into a power struggle, is so good for me to see. That it's okay to not be so rigid, and how important and effective it is to personally play with their kids. They rarely yell, and I'm sure it's much less stressful too, to just let the small things go.
Anyway, again I hope you know that I really love you and just want the best for you and your family. And please don't think that I think you are a terrible parent, because that's probably what this email makes it sound like I think. I don't. I really don't. Joey and Kimball are lucky to have such a stalwart, spiritually strong, active, honest person for a father. And you are in an incredible position of influence for two young growing and developing boys, don't ever forget that. But don't just be their parent, be their friend.
I love you a lot, and am also so proud of you for fighting through the trial of addiction in your life. Don't let it get you down. Keep fighting, you are strong. We are all behind you and are praying for you. Thank you for being willing to fight it too. So many in this world don't, and I am SO grateful that you are.
Love,
Melissa
I feel like there are multiple reasons I was supposed to go to TX, and to stay there for as long as I did. Or if it's not accurate to say I was supposed to go for all these reasons, I can definitely say that I think there are multiple reasons that it was a blessing for me to be down there, for me and for them all down there. I was really glad I could help Sally so much around the house and with the kids, and Lindsay too. It was fun to hang out with Lindsay and have some really good talks with her. She and I are really similar in a lot of ways. And even though she is like 33 and I'm almost 25, I feel like we relate to each other and clique well in a lot of ways. It was so much fun to hang out with her so much. I feel like she would have been really fun to be roommates with. :)
But Sally and I think that maybe I am not married for others reasons than we before thought of.. I could not have just gone down, and it definitely would not have been the same if I had and been married. Sally told me that she and mom were talking about me when mom and dad were down there right after me, and mom said, "She's been good for all of us." Something to that effect. That really touched me. Mom doesn't voice feelings like that often, and I was so flattered that she would say something like that.
And I don't want to sound like I did so much good. But if I could just help people, spend the rest of my life helping people, I would love it. I love to help people, especially ones I love, in any way I can. And if I can be of help to my busy, amazing, sisters that are mothers, and my brothers who are busy working men and fathers, and nieces and nephews have a more fun day, I would do that any day. Thought I'm at a time in my life that I would love to be married, I feel blessed to still be single that I can do things like drop everything and go visit family.
So I feel like I can't just describe my trip as so fun, or a blast. I feel like it was so much more, that it was really fun, but so much more than just fun. It was more like significant and so meaningful. And I am so so grateful that I was blessed to be able to fly down and spend such a long time there.
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