Paul

I'm not sure if I've written on here about my job yet, but I work for a guy who is quadriplegic, named Paul Roberts. He is 45, divorced in the last few years after being married 17, and has been paralyzed for about 26 years. He is really friendly and fun to work for.

Confession. I think he is secretly in love with me. Except it slowly is becoming not such a secret. Last night he told me that I am hot. "Super duper hot." Yes, he said that. But he wasn't saying it in like a coming on to me way, he was asking me about guys I've dated and what didn't work out and why, and then he was saying those guys are dumb (who ended things with me), and then proceeded to tell me because I'm hot! It was more of a sincere (in a not-sincere tone) matter of fact way. And pretty much everything we talk about it in joking around and teasing each other, so again, it wasn't like this serious proclamation to me or anything, but when he gives compliments like that, or just usually in general, he is serious, even though it sounds sarcastic or joking. I didn't know how to react or how to take him seriously. I was really flattered though, because, like I said, I think he was serious, which he did tell me when I reacted like he was just joking around. We get along really well, we really click. It's almost worrisome, sometimes. Not really, and nothing has or probably ever will happen that's way inappropriate or anything, but he tip toes that line occassionally, and he's only going to get more and more comfortable with me. And I with him, for that matter. Also last night, as I went to pick him up to transfer from the shower chair back to his bed, he made me laugh, and then I was laughing and tried to pick him up, but felt like I was not going to make it, so I set him back down on his chair and he wasn't letting go, and I told him to let go, as I was laughing, just so I could stand back up and rest for a second. But in total light-heartedness, he refused to let go and started saying things like, I'm naked and we are having a naked dance... I can't remember what all he said, but I was cracking up, because it was so ridiculous and funny, but also to keep the mood light so as to not make it awkward, because I don't doubt there is some true feelings behind all his joking.. But I try not to really think about that. I was quoting Emperor's New Groove as I was helping him in the shower, and he had never seen it (and of course accused me of making it up..:), so I asked him if he had a VCR, and that if he could find it I would bring our VHS copy for him to watch. Then he got on this rant of wanting me to come watch it with him.. Oh man. So I tried to play that off too, and it wasn't anything super uncomfortable or awkward, but it's slightly uncomfortable crossing that line of boss vs. friend. Plus he has a girlfriend! Which I definitely brought up (all in a light-hearted manner), asking what she would think, and he said she'd be really mad, and I said that I would be really mad too, "which is why we will not do it," I said. In my mind I thought, there's a lot of other reasons too..

I just pray that nothing inappropriate happens ever, with him, or more so that he never does anything more than last night, because I like working for him, and he's fun, not to mention totally boosts my self esteem, and it's a really good job right now. Good pay. I also am trying to convert him.:)

Anyways, it was fun last night, we both have similar sense of humors, so it's a lot of fun to chat and joke around about stuff. I think he's really funny, and he thinks I'm funny, which I think is one reason I really like being around him. I'm just totally my silly, dumb, crazy self around him, (I think because I know him well enough now, and I don't have anyone to impress when I'm with him, and I know he likes me) which he seems to love, ha. He'd been gone for a few weeks, and he told me multiple times last night that he missed me. It was sweet.

Anyway, I haven't told a soul about my "relationship" or the type of relationship I have with Paul (that sounds bad), and I don't actually plan on telling anyone. I feel like it's nothing inappropriate, and I feel like I'll be able to control the situation, and if he really does cross any lines, I can say something and not be afraid to tell him to behave or what not. I hope it doesn't come to that though. The thing is, that I really like being with him too. But in all reality, nothing could ever work between us, as far as any relationship that he might be thinking of with me. For multiple reasons: not a member, he's dating someone, he's 45, he's my boss, that would just be weird. But after really thinking about things, and analyzing why I'm so-called "attracted" to him as well, it wouldn't be a substantial relationship. Or at least that's not why I like him now (and when I say "like him" I mean plutonically, not romantically. Just wanted to clarify for future generations who read this.). For example, he doesn't really know or ask a whole lot about what's going on in my life. Which is really important to me in a relationship. So any attraction I may feel is based mostly on humor, physical attraction, more those things. So that's another reason we could never actually have a relationship..which is weird to even think about, really.

I just wanted to get all this out. Like I said, I'm not planning on telling a soul about all this, at least not while I currently work for him, it would only worry whoever I told, I think. And it's totally under control and will not become anything inappropriate, because I won't let it, and Heavenly Father knows my concerns about it, and I've asked for His help with the situation. So I'm not super worried about it. Not super duper worried.. haha, oh geez.

Basement flood, Garrett date, started capstone

I should be going to bed because..well, for lots of reasons, but one being that our basement flooded today, including my bedroom, so I don't really have a bedroom right now. My stuff is literally all over--spread through different places in the house as well as mainly outside.But I don't think anything really got ruined, just wet. A bunch of guys from the ward (Mom and Dad's ward) came over and helped haul everything out (EVERYTHING, including my whole room. Kind of awkward.), and then a bunch of them went and got their shop vacs and came and sucked up all the water in the basement apt. Then they ripped up the carpet, got rid of the yucky carpet pad, set the carpet on a bunch of cinder blocks, and started a bunch of fans to dry it all out, many of which were brought over as well (the fans). People are amazing. And I guess it was like ward or Elders' Quorum temple night or something, and instead of going to the temple, Dan Sharp and others came over and saved us. So nice!! Speaking of which, Dan Sharp is my hero right now. He is the EQ pres in their ward, and is one of the nicest guys! I would LOVE to marry someone like him. He came over when M and D were in TX back in Jan when we got dumped on, to help engrave out the driveway, after Dad had tried to get some help with that. And then he was the first one over here tonight, and he stayed to the end and worked so hard and sweat and sweat. And he is so nice and fun to talk to. A very genuine, selfless guy. I like him.

Anyway, the latest update in my life, I would say is that Garrett and I went on sort of a date last night, and it was even better than I anticipated. I thought it would be enjoyable, but I had kind of decided that he wasn't for me, but would be fun to just be friends with and hang out with, at least until he supposedly is going to move in a month or so. But then we went out last night (he picked me up and we went to Institute and then out to dinner after, and then he just drove around for a while and we talked and talked and talked, I loved that. We talked a lot about his x-wife and the divorce and what happened, more than he had told me via fb chat a few nights before. He has been through a lot.), and I am more impressed with him and more interested in him than I thought I would be afterwards. He said things as we were driving, plus our texting afterwards, that leads me to think we will do more things together. But we'll see what happens.
But today, sheesh, he has been on my mind so much! I hate it! I can't focus on school as much as I need to and it takes me forever to get through homework! :)

The other update is that I started my capstone a few days ago, and I'm excited about the actual clinical aspect, but my preceptor happens to be a quite unfriendly soul, who I will probably never be best friends with. She's a complainer, kind of needs all the attention, her problems are huge and bigger than anyone else's, glass is half empty..that type of person. These types of people drive me crazy and I avoid them. But can't do that this time. But she's a good nurse and she doesn't get frustrated with me or impatient when I ask tons of questions yet, so that's nice. I talked to Joe and Mom about her after my first shift, and they both helped me to have a better perspective, and to just focus on learning from her, and not worry about being friends, or what not. So that's what I will try to do.

Breakdown

So I had a little breakdown in the car tonight on my way home from the Spinal Cord Injury forum for TRAILS. I think I'm on one of my emotional days, which may have been the reason, but still. This is what's on my mind:

So I just started thinking about how my relationship with Camille isn't superb at this moment, possibly because I was emotional and moody on Sunday when they were over and after she asked me how Moab was, I started telling her and then she had to tend to her kids and stopped listening. That was a bummer, but we texted about it that night b/c she could tell (I can never hide it) that I wasn't myself that morning. Anyway, she felt bad, and anyway. But tonight I was emotional again and started thinking about that, which made me feel sad, and it led to me thinking about how she is my closest (in age) sister and is about to have her fourth child.. and how I am no where even close to marriage, let alone children. The kids thing doesn't usually bother me, but man, tonight it sure got me. I just lost it and just cried in my car in the driveway after I parked for a minute. I guess it's just really hard to realize that, makes me feel like I am so "behind" in a way. And there's nothing I can do about it. Peter and Lindsay just got a little foster boy yesterday, which was (and still is) way exciting (not to mention Lindsay is surprisingly pregnant, also way exciting!), but also now brings the totals to everyone having at least three kids. That was a little hard to take in when I was thinking about it tonight.

More and more these days I just really feel like it's a good possibility that I may never get married, at least not in this life. And when I'm stable and not emotional, and around my good single friends, busy with and loving life, it's a little easier to be okay with the idea. But other times, like tonight, it's hard to accept. But by numbers alone, we can't all get married, there's just not enough guys. At least not the kind of guys you want to be with for an extended period of time.

The other day I was cutting Mom's hair and we were discussing the single situation, and I presented that idea to her, just lightly, that I really may never get married. And as I was completely expecting her to say something very reassuring, similar to what she's told me in the past, like, "You'll get married, I'm not worried about you. My patriarchal blessing says..." or something very revelatory or inspired, like she just knows that I will and isn't worried. But on the contrary, she actually said something to the effect of, "Well, there's all those young men who have died in the wars..someone's got to marry them."

Seriously Mom?? Ha, it actually was humorous to me at the time, but I thought, wow, I guess that seals it. I'm not getting married. We jokingly talked about how maybe I could marry a righteous Nephite or something. And I commented that that would sure be better than many of the fools that I know now.

Anyway, I'm nearly 26 1/2 years old, and I never thought I would still be single at this point in my life. Part of me can't imagine being married. And it's not even kids that I'm dying to have. But I would love to have someone to love me. Really love me. And hold me. And want me so bad. And want to show love to me, and for someone for me to show love to. I want to love someone and do nice things for them so bad. And I miss being kissed and kissing back. I miss that closeness. I was thinking about the times I had with Steve tonight, my first boyfriend, and how good it was. He was so sweet to me. And so fun to kiss. He wanted me. I miss that.

And I would love a fan. Y'know, someone to support me in, say, things like my triathlon this weekend. It's on Sat., and I've been really excited about it, and I don't even know if anyone is going to come be there to watch. It's my first tri, the biggest race I've ever done, and if I was married and even had kids, they would all be there. I love seeing Peter and Lindsay's pictures of them doing races, or even when just Lindsay does one, and they all go and watch and support her and are there at the finish line. I would kill for that. I know Rosanna has wanted to come, but Simon has a soccer game that morning, so she probably won't make it. And I feel weird inviting people, like Camille and family, because I feel kind of vain or cocky or something. I don't want anyone to come if they don't want to, but it would mean the world to me if anyone did. More than words can say, if they just came on their own accord. I think Mom and Dad may, based on a comment mom made yesterday, but I don't know. It's been such a part of my life the last month and a half, training for this race, it really would mean the world to me to have family, especially siblings, there.

But anyway, back to being single. Who knows. I really may not get married in this life. I don't see it happening at this point. I mean, there's Wendy, who is 31, and Jamie, who is now 28, who are two of my best friends, and so many others, and they are all amazing, beautiful girls. And if they aren't married, I don't see much hope for myself. I know that's not really how it works, but still. Doesn't give me much hope.

Jamie wants to be married so badly, more than I do. She wants kids so bad. So bad, I know she does. I think it's a ton harder for her to still be single than me at this point. I have my moments, but that's like what she lives for, is to be a mom. And she will be so good. And I want her to find a great guy to love and who will really love and appreciate her back, but the day that finally happens will be really hard. At least if it hasn't happened for me yet. But I want her to find marriage first, as hard..I mean, as HARD as that will be, I want her to get married first. She wants it so badly. And she deserves it, she's amazing, and I'm so grateful for her friendship. Sidenote: we just got back from Moab with the ward, and we were just two best little buddies on the trip, and it was a blast with her. And the feeling is mutual, we've talked about it. Which just makes me feel so blessed.

Anyway, I think I'm done crying and moping for the night. I need to go to bed. Our first day of class of this, our last semester of nursing school, is tomorrow. And I already am not going to even get 6 1/2 hours of sleep. Gotta go.

My awesome packed school break, Week 1

The first week of break between semesters is over, and I am so pleased with how it's been going. I have done so many fun and productive things!! Which, again, I feel so blessed with. I've really just been going going going, with training for my triathlon, to meeting up with old friends, to hiking with nursing friends, to working some nights, to more exercising. Here has been what this past week was full of, I want to remember:

Mon 4/29/13

-Peds final, Peds ATI final--went pretty well, but I didn't quite score high enough on the ATI to get the full points. Decided to probaby do the re-take the next morning, just to totally secure my A.

-completed HIPAA/OSHA re-certification in the library with Maryn and Jessica there

-finished and submitted my IHC capstone paperwork

-FHE--member missionary activity, and my car found a couple referrals for the missionaries! So great!

-Work--invited Paul to come to my singles ward sometime, and I think he wants to! A really good night with Paul

Tues 4/30/13

-Peds ATI retake--so glad I did it, saw Maggie there, she encouraged me to look up some stuff that I had missed yesterday first, so I did, and because of her, I barely got a good enough score to get the extra point I wanted. Thank goodness!

-Zupas for lunch with Maryn and Maggie (instead of going swimming with Maryn, like we were planning on after I re-took the ATI. Pool was closed for maintenance.)

-Finished the scholarship poem, submitted a few different scholarship applications

-Work

Wed 5/1/13

-Spent a few hours cleaning the kitchen (which Mom totally noticed and was really appreciative of, which made me feel so good)

-gym

-Helped Ashley Squire move, where I met Kory Fleming, who is sort of in our ward, but goes to his old one mostly, and he is really great! I had no idea! I chatted with him some, and he seemed like he wanted to get to know me too. I then had a little crush on him. Also am getting a free haircut out of helping her (that was her bribe:). Score.

-Straight to VTing meeting with our presidency and Holly, the VTing coordinator. We scrapped VTing, and made all (mostly) new assignments. We used my idea, with the sticky notes and boards, which made me happy that we used it, and it seemed pretty effective. Goal was to make Holly feel less overwhelmed by VTing. Hard calling.

-Work

Thurs 5/2/13

-Hiked Ensign Peak with Maryn, Maggie, and Elisa--so fun! I had never hiked it before (sad), it was great, and such great weather!

-Ran errands--bank and Walmart--got a bunch of stuff for Moab and such (sunscreen, new sports bras, travel tissues, new face cleanser wipes, etc. But I'm so excited for Moab!) 

-TRAILS--hand cycling at Liberty Park, such nice weather! Casey and Khoa were fun to be around that day

-Ward softball game--first of the season! I went partly in case Kory was there, actually. He was not there. But it was fun. Especially after my first hit and I totally face planted in the dirt on the way to 1st base...one of the more embarrassing moments in my life.

-Stopped by a certain Garret Glissmeyer's house to borrow his graduation cap. He's semi-new to the ward, and we chatted for a few minutes at his house, and I left with a large crush on him, thinking that we could be really compatible. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me, and I wanted to get to know him too. I felt like we could have chatted all night. He was really nice and has a maturity about him, that not all 27 year olds have. Probably because of things he's been through, including marriage and divorce recently (rough). And it was kind of hard to hear that, but I don't know the story or anything, but he volunteered that information, and by the way he said it, made it seem like perhaps it wasn't his fault. I don't know. But I would love to get to know him better.

-gym--hoped to see the guy with long curly blonde hair, that I was prompted to share the gospel with last Thurs night and DIDN'T (argh! I wish I had.), but didn't see him there. But good run that night, 3.6 miles, I think. Funny, after 3 miles, I felt like I could run for a while longer, those first few miles are harder though.

Fri 5/3/13

-got stuff done at home, sent emails, etc.

-gym--I wanted to bike because I was kind of sore from running so far the night before, but then I saw that the Mentalist was on tv (it hasn't been on tv while I've been there in a while!), but there are no bikes in front of that tv, and I couldn't help myself, so I got on a treadmill and just walked for an hour while watching it. Good episode.:)

-GRADUATION! (Crazy! I'm not actually done, but we walked.)

Got ready, headed to campus for pictures with our class at 4 pm, parked, waited for the shuttle, got worried it wasn't coming, so I started walking to the nest stop. Then it drove past me (aah!), so I just started speed walking all the way down campus (far!). Took my shoes off after a while, and a few min later, as I was approaching President's Circle where we were meeting, looked down at my shoes in my arms and saw that my left shoe had come apart. Perfect. So got there, all flustered, hot, my robes and hat in my hands and not on, and my great friends helped me pull myself together enough for our class picture right then. Then we took a bunch of friends pictures there at the Park building with the temporary red U's set up, all with me in bare feet (I think we hid them well). And then, Elisa's saintly husband ran to the bookstore nearby and bought me super glue (Elisa's grand idea), and we super glued my shoe back together while standing in line forever to go in. Then I glued the edges for security after we had sat down in convocation. Walked across the stage with the super glue tube tucked in one side of my bra and my phone in the other. And my shoe stayed glued! :) I even wore them to church today, and they still stayed! I love super glue.

Convocation was so fun though! I'm so glad we all (who did) decided to walk! Mom, Dad, and Camille came, and it was so nice to have them there, especially Camille, who surprised me. And she was so nice to come with her new nice camera and take lots of nice pictures for me.

-Dinner at Citrus Grill with Mom, Dad, and Camille (yum!)

-Work

Sat 5/4/13

-Bike ride with Wendy 6:15 am

-Then went running (alone) after at 7:45. It was good to try that out, all outside with the real things, instead of just at the gym, but that run was torture. I had to walk more than usual, including stopping and laying down on the grass at a church I went by for a few minutes. But when I got home I check how far I had gone on mapmyrun.com, and when I was hoping it was even 2 miles, I had gone just under 4! That totally surprised me and made me so happy!! It also gave me hope and encouragement, that all this training is doing something, and that it is possible for me to survive farther distances.

-Drove out to Simon's and then Megan's soccer games, such nice weather! Got some sun (yes). 

-Hung out at the Kerrs' house for a bit after, played on the tramp with Simon, Rachel, and Dylan for a while, which was fun, and good to spend time with them. I don't do that enough. Megan was getting lunch with Steve.

-Did some much needed laundry

-Cleaned my room

-Dinner with Sam and Elise Powell at City Creek--so fun to see them! I just love those two, they are both so down to earth and easy and fun to be around. Elise is pregnant, due in a month and a half, and is still so cute. And Sam is still so sweet to Elise, I love seeing that.

-Came home, knelt to pray to start my fast before I went over to Nichole's to jam on our guitars, and totally fell asleep on my knees for about 30 min! I woke up and realized I was supposed to be at Nichole's already, and frantically got up and went over with my guitar.

-Played guitar with Nichole, and chatted, for a bit. About the she-and-Mike situation (ever changing and developing and progressing again, thankfully, and me and the new Garrett situation, as well as various other things, Survivor, Amazing Race, joining choir, etc.:). She and I are becoming better and better friends all the time, I love it. I really value our friendship.

-Reviewed my lesson a bit before falling asleep

And now today, Sunday, picked up Jodi and went to choir practice (Nichole and I decided to join choir last night:), church was great, Joel (Anderson, mission buddy) came to my ward today to visit, so he was there with me, and I saved a seat for Garrett Glissmeyer, my new friend. So he sat on the other side of me. So it was slightly hard to totally focus the whole time..:)

I taught RS on missionary work, the lesson I've been kind of preparing for months, since I knew I would be teaching it. And then I had it all ready last month, and turned out I was a month early. So I taught today, and I felt pretty good about it. I wished I had had another hour or so, there was so much I wanted to talk about and share, but I'm grateful for how it went. I was definitely guided.

And Helene Nance came up to me after and thanked me for it and now has decided to act on the prompting to share the gospel with an old friend of hers. So exciting.

Joel came over to the house after church and hung out here for a bit, Mom and Dad and we sat and chatted, then they went down and had naps, and Joel and I chatted for another little while. It was good to see and talk to him. I will always love that kid. He needs a haircut though.

Then I called Jamie back, who had called me when Joel was here, and we chatted for a while until I had to go, to head up to Eric and Michelle's. I just love her, and I am so grateful things are so good between us. She's been up in ID this weekend, with her family and new niece, so she was on her way back, and wanted to know how church and my lesson went. I was pretty bummed she had to miss it, as well as Liz too, actually. I have so much respect for both of them, and would have loved their input on how it went or what not, would have loved them to be there. But that's okay.

Then we went up to Froerer FHE in Layton, and I was glad I went. Not very many of us were there, compared to normal, which was nice. It was fun to chat with the cousins and aunts and uncles, and I helped Dad give the lesson on missionary work, part of which I had used in my lesson earlier. I love teaching and I love missionary work, so it was fun. And I felt pretty cute today, my hair worked really well. And I really like feeling cute around the Froerers, especially for some reason. After the lesson Bobby complimented me and said good job, and that I was a good teacher. I really appreciated that, it meant a lot, coming from him.

And now I'm here at home, finally writing in my journal! I've been meaning and wanting to catch up on journal writing for days, weeks even! Yes.