Breakdown

So I had a little breakdown in the car tonight on my way home from the Spinal Cord Injury forum for TRAILS. I think I'm on one of my emotional days, which may have been the reason, but still. This is what's on my mind:

So I just started thinking about how my relationship with Camille isn't superb at this moment, possibly because I was emotional and moody on Sunday when they were over and after she asked me how Moab was, I started telling her and then she had to tend to her kids and stopped listening. That was a bummer, but we texted about it that night b/c she could tell (I can never hide it) that I wasn't myself that morning. Anyway, she felt bad, and anyway. But tonight I was emotional again and started thinking about that, which made me feel sad, and it led to me thinking about how she is my closest (in age) sister and is about to have her fourth child.. and how I am no where even close to marriage, let alone children. The kids thing doesn't usually bother me, but man, tonight it sure got me. I just lost it and just cried in my car in the driveway after I parked for a minute. I guess it's just really hard to realize that, makes me feel like I am so "behind" in a way. And there's nothing I can do about it. Peter and Lindsay just got a little foster boy yesterday, which was (and still is) way exciting (not to mention Lindsay is surprisingly pregnant, also way exciting!), but also now brings the totals to everyone having at least three kids. That was a little hard to take in when I was thinking about it tonight.

More and more these days I just really feel like it's a good possibility that I may never get married, at least not in this life. And when I'm stable and not emotional, and around my good single friends, busy with and loving life, it's a little easier to be okay with the idea. But other times, like tonight, it's hard to accept. But by numbers alone, we can't all get married, there's just not enough guys. At least not the kind of guys you want to be with for an extended period of time.

The other day I was cutting Mom's hair and we were discussing the single situation, and I presented that idea to her, just lightly, that I really may never get married. And as I was completely expecting her to say something very reassuring, similar to what she's told me in the past, like, "You'll get married, I'm not worried about you. My patriarchal blessing says..." or something very revelatory or inspired, like she just knows that I will and isn't worried. But on the contrary, she actually said something to the effect of, "Well, there's all those young men who have died in the wars..someone's got to marry them."

Seriously Mom?? Ha, it actually was humorous to me at the time, but I thought, wow, I guess that seals it. I'm not getting married. We jokingly talked about how maybe I could marry a righteous Nephite or something. And I commented that that would sure be better than many of the fools that I know now.

Anyway, I'm nearly 26 1/2 years old, and I never thought I would still be single at this point in my life. Part of me can't imagine being married. And it's not even kids that I'm dying to have. But I would love to have someone to love me. Really love me. And hold me. And want me so bad. And want to show love to me, and for someone for me to show love to. I want to love someone and do nice things for them so bad. And I miss being kissed and kissing back. I miss that closeness. I was thinking about the times I had with Steve tonight, my first boyfriend, and how good it was. He was so sweet to me. And so fun to kiss. He wanted me. I miss that.

And I would love a fan. Y'know, someone to support me in, say, things like my triathlon this weekend. It's on Sat., and I've been really excited about it, and I don't even know if anyone is going to come be there to watch. It's my first tri, the biggest race I've ever done, and if I was married and even had kids, they would all be there. I love seeing Peter and Lindsay's pictures of them doing races, or even when just Lindsay does one, and they all go and watch and support her and are there at the finish line. I would kill for that. I know Rosanna has wanted to come, but Simon has a soccer game that morning, so she probably won't make it. And I feel weird inviting people, like Camille and family, because I feel kind of vain or cocky or something. I don't want anyone to come if they don't want to, but it would mean the world to me if anyone did. More than words can say, if they just came on their own accord. I think Mom and Dad may, based on a comment mom made yesterday, but I don't know. It's been such a part of my life the last month and a half, training for this race, it really would mean the world to me to have family, especially siblings, there.

But anyway, back to being single. Who knows. I really may not get married in this life. I don't see it happening at this point. I mean, there's Wendy, who is 31, and Jamie, who is now 28, who are two of my best friends, and so many others, and they are all amazing, beautiful girls. And if they aren't married, I don't see much hope for myself. I know that's not really how it works, but still. Doesn't give me much hope.

Jamie wants to be married so badly, more than I do. She wants kids so bad. So bad, I know she does. I think it's a ton harder for her to still be single than me at this point. I have my moments, but that's like what she lives for, is to be a mom. And she will be so good. And I want her to find a great guy to love and who will really love and appreciate her back, but the day that finally happens will be really hard. At least if it hasn't happened for me yet. But I want her to find marriage first, as hard..I mean, as HARD as that will be, I want her to get married first. She wants it so badly. And she deserves it, she's amazing, and I'm so grateful for her friendship. Sidenote: we just got back from Moab with the ward, and we were just two best little buddies on the trip, and it was a blast with her. And the feeling is mutual, we've talked about it. Which just makes me feel so blessed.

Anyway, I think I'm done crying and moping for the night. I need to go to bed. Our first day of class of this, our last semester of nursing school, is tomorrow. And I already am not going to even get 6 1/2 hours of sleep. Gotta go.