Things are so much better. And a great day today.

So a couple days later Sally called again and we talked again, and she felt bad about how she reacted, and I was able to explain why I was so frustrated by her response and what it sounded like to me, and I also got to just vent about pretty much everything then too, she was a great listener and in a better mood herself, which helped. And we ended up talking for quite a while, and it was really great. We basically caught up, and it was really good to chat. She helped me feel good about not going to Taiwan, and actually got me seriously thinking about going to London instead. There were reasons why I was definitely not going to do London yet still, but I got thinking about it, and I've been feeling good about going, actually, and excited. I'm currently trying to get either Camille or Rosanna to come with me, but Jamie might come too. I broke the news to her tonight that I'm pretty much decided against Taiwan, and I think that's where I will go instead. She sounded more excited about that. Which I may or may not have been excited about myself. Tonight we tried to go to a movie, not because I wanted to, I was SO tired (because of my baby spider fiasco last night in my room and sleeping in the couch for not very many hours because of it), but I felt like she needed some time from me. The movie was sold out, which was fine, so we just chatted in her driveway in my car for a while. And it was good to catch up, it always is, but I just still don't love being with her tons anymore. I wish that wasn't the case. But it is. So I was hesitant to even tell her about my London plan (as long as Peggy and Evan are there then, which I'm still waiting to hear back about), but I told her anyway, so oh well now. But I did tell her that one of my sisters might come, so we'll see what happens. But I've also kind of decided that I'm going regardless of who comes and doesn't come, and it will be great either way.
So yeah, after talking things totally out with Sally, and making things right with her, I felt so much better about everything, and better in general. I've realized that I really just need to vent and talk things out, and then I'm fine. Maybe with some time in there as well. And also, I think not having things right with anyone in my family really affects me, I've also realized/decided. So now, since I've had good conversations now with my parents, Camille, Rosanna, and now Sally, and I feel like they all really know this is hard for me and legitimately care and have let me vent, I feel very cared about and I can move on. But whatever it is, I feel so much happier, happy again in general, and I'm so grateful for that. I hate being sad and bummed. And I've hung out with Camille and the kids yesterday and today, and it's been really fun. Fun to be with the kids, and fun to chat and catch up with Camille and talk to her about some of these things, like the London thing. She was the one that suggested she come, which I was totally on board with, I think it would be so fun, but she didn't know if Jake would let her. Which he already said no. But it was fun to hope for for a day..:)

But today was fun--hiked a short but fun hike (Lisa Falls, up Little Cottonwood Canyon) with Camille and the kids (her four boys + Simon and Rachel who are staying with them while Rosanna and Megan are at camp), then met up with Cheryl, my old roommate and one of my life best friends, for lunch at Zupas (of course, I love that place), which was SO so good. We stayed there and chatted for 3 hours, and it was amazing to see her again and still be so comfortable and be able to talk about everything that's been and is hard for us right now. Her marriage could soon be coming to an end, after 5 years, which is sad, but she has certainly given it her all to try to save. Kyle just isn't really doing his part, it sounds. He's still got some stuff to work through and figure out.
So that was so good to see her, and she lives here now, which I love (she was in Maryland for 4 years), so hopefully we get together more. I basically asked her if she wanted to live together, and she would (oh man, that would be a dream, just me and her, I would love that so much), but if she really does get divorced, it probably won't go through til around December. So she couldn't live with me til then. But she wanted to too. It would be so great. So great.
And then I went shopping at DownEast for a bit right there in Sugarhouse, and got some much searched-for shorts and capris, found some great finds. It's so hard to find shorts that fit me well and that I like. So that was fun.
Then home, had dinner, then the couple hours with Jamie.

I've been really thinking about moving, I feel like I need to, and I've been thinking more and more about it the past few days. Camille suggested this apt complex kind of by them, but by the 215 freeway on Highland, which would be closer to them and fun, and right by the freeway that I could hop on and get to work easy. So I've been thinking more about that today, and I feel kind of excited about the idea. So we'll see what I can find there.

So many frustrations, I just want to get out of here so bad

So many thoughts and not enough time..I need to go to bed, I work in the morning..but I need to get a few things out.
I'm still struggling with life. Feeling better than I was a few days or a week ago. Things are better here at home, but still wish Mom and Dad would ask me about things, like to tell them what's on my mind. There's so much on my mind and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Sally and I were texting a little yesterday (Sunday), and I mentioned the weekend was hard, so she was going to call me last night, but then I was at work, so she told me to call her after work this morning if I felt like it, which I did. I was actually really looking forward to talking to her, and having a good listening ear and soundboard that I could talk to about all these things on my mind: the dating/being alone frustration and struggle, the thoughts I've been having about WHY I've been feeling this way and what has possibly led up to it, the Jamie frustration and dilemma, wanting to move but not sure where or when, the Taiwan option, coming down to Texas for a good stay in Oct., etc. And after we talked all about the Davidson reunion she just recovered from down there, she asked why the weekend was hard, and I started telling her about my frustrations and struggles with being alone right now, and how being with the family for the baptism and such this weekend just made it harder, and that I am so tired of being alone, etc, and I started crying, of course. And she listened for a few minutes as I vented and explained, and then as soon as I kind of stopped for a minute, she immediately started into asking if I've been taking care of myself. Have I been eating? Exercising? Getting sleep? I was so irritated by that. And then she suggested that maybe I have some depression, that it sounds like depression.
And I know that could be a possibility, but that is NOT what I needed to hear right then. Why does me being sad about things automatically mean I'm not doing something I should be? Maybe this trial is something that is legitimately hard to deal with..! I'm so frustrated about this. What happened to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort..? After she told me all about her frustrations with the reunion, I didn't immediately say, well maybe if you had been getting more sleep and exercising.. I just need a listening ear and some sympathy! That's all I want right now. I don't need anyone to fix me, I'm so sick of that. And I think one of the hardest parts of this conversation was that I was so hoping and planning that it would be such a needed conversation, and one that I felt so much better after. She was going to be my safe place, my sanctuary. And it definitely didn't turn out that way.
I've decided it's next to impossible to get someone who is married to understand what it's like, and how hard it sometimes is, to be this age and still single. And I feel like I need to lower my expectations and stop hoping someone in my family will try to understand me. Dad has done the best at this, surprisingly. And I've been very grateful. I feel like he's been my main ally through this recently. But even tonight, he asked me how I am, and I said okay, and that's about where we left that. And mom asked me if I was feeling better tonight, and I said..yes and no...and that's where that stopped too. I feel like Mom just wants me to be better, to be fixed. And she's not really sure what to do if I'm still not. Ask me HOW I'm doing! Ask me what's on my mind! I so wish someone would! Because like I've told them before and especially recently, I just want to be listened to, and I won't talk if I'm not asked, because I feel like no one cares enough to listen then.
I'm just so frustrated. And maybe I do have too high of expectations. Maybe I'm hoping for too much, wanting someone in my family to be what I need. But I don't know what else to do, who else to talk to. In Camille's defense, she's been better than some, but she's so busy with her kids.
I just wish I had someone to talk to. There's Jamie, but she always slightly irritates me. And we still talk sometimes, we talked a lot about dating and these frustrations we both have and about our life situations for a while yesterday during and after church, and that was nice, but other than that, I just don't have a lot of desire to talk to her or be with her a ton. She thinks it's because I just want to do my own thing right now. Which is partly true. But it's true because there's no one I really want to do anything WITH.
I've kind of decided too that I think I just need to start lying. Start faking it. Stop being so honest with people, and just fake that I'm fine. And maybe it will be true soon. And I will stop being disappointed when the family just doesn't react how I need them to.
And with that, I feel like maybe it would be best if I moved out, then I won't be disappointed when mom and dad don't ask me more how I am doing, and to talk about things. I just don't know where to start looking or anything. I wish I had a sister I felt comfortable moving in with right now.

That's about all for now. Need to get to bed.
I just wish I could get out of here. I'm annoyed by everything right now.

The best part of tonight was the fireside with President Featherstone, which is always good to hear him speak, he's amazing. And then talking afterwards with Katie Jenkins. She is someone I feel like I could talk to about anything. She is a great listener. I would love to live with her. I even kind of told her that, that she is someone I could live with. But she just told me tonight that she has cancer. Hodgkins Lymphoma. Found a lump in her armpit. Same as her sister had, but it's not supposed to be genetic. She is getting her 3rd session of chemo tomorrow. She'll probably shave her hair this week.  But wow, it must be so hard. But yeah, she is great to talk to.
Anway, I gotta go. Goodnight!

Life is a little hard right now.

I feel like things are changing. I'm getting older. Being single is getting harder. At least it has been the last two or three weeks. This has also caused a big rift here at home, with mom and dad. Mostly due to poor communication. Things are better there, Dad offered to listen to me yesterday and because I was desperate to be listened to, I took him up on it, and just vented about all my current frustrations of still being single, and being so tired of being alone, and being frustrated about how mom has reacted recently to my being unhappy about it all, even when I tried to talk to her the other night when she finally asked what was wrong (she and I communicate very differently, which has been hard at times throughout my life). He was so kind to literally just listen and let me rant and vent and cry and get it all out, and cry some more. I don't think I've ever really talked to him that much and that openly like that, and I am so grateful I got to, and that he was such a good listener. I didn't know he could be like that. And so understanding, which I was extremely grateful for too. He responded in exactly the way I've been needing so badly. With understanding and empathy. I worked the night before and went to Sac. Mtg. right after work and remembered it's fast sunday, and I normally would have fasted another Sunday, because I was eating throughout the night at work, but after Sac. Mtg., I went home to sleep, and I normally eat breakfast first, then shower and crash, but yesterday I decided to just fast the rest of the day, and I pleaded for a miracle that night, with Mom (things were still bad with her), and last night I felt like I got my miracle and then some, as talking to Dad was a huge blessing, and then later Mom came and talked to me and it was a better conversation than our previous two this weekend. Not perfectly what I hoped for, but I feel better about things, and have prayed and prayed to be able to forgive mom and let all this go and to like being around her again, and I feel like that prayer is being answered.

But I was at Camille's this afternoon and evening, and it was fun to be with the kids, and to catch up with her, and Taylor and Caitlyn came over for games, which I almost didn't stay for because I just kind of felt awkward, and I'm not in the most happy, confident, friendly mood still. But I did stay, and it was pretty fun. And plus Camille and I talked some more afterwards, which was good. But it honestly was hard to see her so happy with her family, and constantly doing so many fun things with the kids and her family, and she goes on a bunch of little hikes with the kids and stuff, and I secretly feel bad that she doesn't invite me to more things. She's invited Rosanna a couple times, and the other day she told me she wished she had invited me to the one the other day, and said so again today. And I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I already struggle with feeling like I always belong and fit in in my family, being single and with no kids. But to feel forgotten as well, that's hard. And I do sometimes, I feel like I get forgotten because I don't have a family of my own.

This being single just seems like it's getting harder. And hopefully it's just a thing I'm going through right now, and I'll be fine again soon. I don't want to be that unhappy single girl.

The other day, and even last night after talking and venting to Dad, I felt a lot more optimistic about life again. But today it's been hard again, and being at Camille's. I started crying on my way home in the car, and the thought came to get a blessing. But honestly, I don't want to, because I feel like in my last who knows how many blessings over the last few years, I feel like they all say the same thing about that part of my life, that the things I want most will be granted to me and such, something to that effect each time. But obviously it hasn't happened. And it's frustrating. And disappointing. So I don't even want to hear it. I told Heavenly Father the other day that I'm done asking for it because I'm tired of being disappointed. But that He knows I want it.

So that's kind of where I'm at right now.