Life is a little hard right now.

I feel like things are changing. I'm getting older. Being single is getting harder. At least it has been the last two or three weeks. This has also caused a big rift here at home, with mom and dad. Mostly due to poor communication. Things are better there, Dad offered to listen to me yesterday and because I was desperate to be listened to, I took him up on it, and just vented about all my current frustrations of still being single, and being so tired of being alone, and being frustrated about how mom has reacted recently to my being unhappy about it all, even when I tried to talk to her the other night when she finally asked what was wrong (she and I communicate very differently, which has been hard at times throughout my life). He was so kind to literally just listen and let me rant and vent and cry and get it all out, and cry some more. I don't think I've ever really talked to him that much and that openly like that, and I am so grateful I got to, and that he was such a good listener. I didn't know he could be like that. And so understanding, which I was extremely grateful for too. He responded in exactly the way I've been needing so badly. With understanding and empathy. I worked the night before and went to Sac. Mtg. right after work and remembered it's fast sunday, and I normally would have fasted another Sunday, because I was eating throughout the night at work, but after Sac. Mtg., I went home to sleep, and I normally eat breakfast first, then shower and crash, but yesterday I decided to just fast the rest of the day, and I pleaded for a miracle that night, with Mom (things were still bad with her), and last night I felt like I got my miracle and then some, as talking to Dad was a huge blessing, and then later Mom came and talked to me and it was a better conversation than our previous two this weekend. Not perfectly what I hoped for, but I feel better about things, and have prayed and prayed to be able to forgive mom and let all this go and to like being around her again, and I feel like that prayer is being answered.

But I was at Camille's this afternoon and evening, and it was fun to be with the kids, and to catch up with her, and Taylor and Caitlyn came over for games, which I almost didn't stay for because I just kind of felt awkward, and I'm not in the most happy, confident, friendly mood still. But I did stay, and it was pretty fun. And plus Camille and I talked some more afterwards, which was good. But it honestly was hard to see her so happy with her family, and constantly doing so many fun things with the kids and her family, and she goes on a bunch of little hikes with the kids and stuff, and I secretly feel bad that she doesn't invite me to more things. She's invited Rosanna a couple times, and the other day she told me she wished she had invited me to the one the other day, and said so again today. And I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I already struggle with feeling like I always belong and fit in in my family, being single and with no kids. But to feel forgotten as well, that's hard. And I do sometimes, I feel like I get forgotten because I don't have a family of my own.

This being single just seems like it's getting harder. And hopefully it's just a thing I'm going through right now, and I'll be fine again soon. I don't want to be that unhappy single girl.

The other day, and even last night after talking and venting to Dad, I felt a lot more optimistic about life again. But today it's been hard again, and being at Camille's. I started crying on my way home in the car, and the thought came to get a blessing. But honestly, I don't want to, because I feel like in my last who knows how many blessings over the last few years, I feel like they all say the same thing about that part of my life, that the things I want most will be granted to me and such, something to that effect each time. But obviously it hasn't happened. And it's frustrating. And disappointing. So I don't even want to hear it. I told Heavenly Father the other day that I'm done asking for it because I'm tired of being disappointed. But that He knows I want it.

So that's kind of where I'm at right now.