Paul

I'm not sure if I've written on here about my job yet, but I work for a guy who is quadriplegic, named Paul Roberts. He is 45, divorced in the last few years after being married 17, and has been paralyzed for about 26 years. He is really friendly and fun to work for.

Confession. I think he is secretly in love with me. Except it slowly is becoming not such a secret. Last night he told me that I am hot. "Super duper hot." Yes, he said that. But he wasn't saying it in like a coming on to me way, he was asking me about guys I've dated and what didn't work out and why, and then he was saying those guys are dumb (who ended things with me), and then proceeded to tell me because I'm hot! It was more of a sincere (in a not-sincere tone) matter of fact way. And pretty much everything we talk about it in joking around and teasing each other, so again, it wasn't like this serious proclamation to me or anything, but when he gives compliments like that, or just usually in general, he is serious, even though it sounds sarcastic or joking. I didn't know how to react or how to take him seriously. I was really flattered though, because, like I said, I think he was serious, which he did tell me when I reacted like he was just joking around. We get along really well, we really click. It's almost worrisome, sometimes. Not really, and nothing has or probably ever will happen that's way inappropriate or anything, but he tip toes that line occassionally, and he's only going to get more and more comfortable with me. And I with him, for that matter. Also last night, as I went to pick him up to transfer from the shower chair back to his bed, he made me laugh, and then I was laughing and tried to pick him up, but felt like I was not going to make it, so I set him back down on his chair and he wasn't letting go, and I told him to let go, as I was laughing, just so I could stand back up and rest for a second. But in total light-heartedness, he refused to let go and started saying things like, I'm naked and we are having a naked dance... I can't remember what all he said, but I was cracking up, because it was so ridiculous and funny, but also to keep the mood light so as to not make it awkward, because I don't doubt there is some true feelings behind all his joking.. But I try not to really think about that. I was quoting Emperor's New Groove as I was helping him in the shower, and he had never seen it (and of course accused me of making it up..:), so I asked him if he had a VCR, and that if he could find it I would bring our VHS copy for him to watch. Then he got on this rant of wanting me to come watch it with him.. Oh man. So I tried to play that off too, and it wasn't anything super uncomfortable or awkward, but it's slightly uncomfortable crossing that line of boss vs. friend. Plus he has a girlfriend! Which I definitely brought up (all in a light-hearted manner), asking what she would think, and he said she'd be really mad, and I said that I would be really mad too, "which is why we will not do it," I said. In my mind I thought, there's a lot of other reasons too..

I just pray that nothing inappropriate happens ever, with him, or more so that he never does anything more than last night, because I like working for him, and he's fun, not to mention totally boosts my self esteem, and it's a really good job right now. Good pay. I also am trying to convert him.:)

Anyways, it was fun last night, we both have similar sense of humors, so it's a lot of fun to chat and joke around about stuff. I think he's really funny, and he thinks I'm funny, which I think is one reason I really like being around him. I'm just totally my silly, dumb, crazy self around him, (I think because I know him well enough now, and I don't have anyone to impress when I'm with him, and I know he likes me) which he seems to love, ha. He'd been gone for a few weeks, and he told me multiple times last night that he missed me. It was sweet.

Anyway, I haven't told a soul about my "relationship" or the type of relationship I have with Paul (that sounds bad), and I don't actually plan on telling anyone. I feel like it's nothing inappropriate, and I feel like I'll be able to control the situation, and if he really does cross any lines, I can say something and not be afraid to tell him to behave or what not. I hope it doesn't come to that though. The thing is, that I really like being with him too. But in all reality, nothing could ever work between us, as far as any relationship that he might be thinking of with me. For multiple reasons: not a member, he's dating someone, he's 45, he's my boss, that would just be weird. But after really thinking about things, and analyzing why I'm so-called "attracted" to him as well, it wouldn't be a substantial relationship. Or at least that's not why I like him now (and when I say "like him" I mean plutonically, not romantically. Just wanted to clarify for future generations who read this.). For example, he doesn't really know or ask a whole lot about what's going on in my life. Which is really important to me in a relationship. So any attraction I may feel is based mostly on humor, physical attraction, more those things. So that's another reason we could never actually have a relationship..which is weird to even think about, really.

I just wanted to get all this out. Like I said, I'm not planning on telling a soul about all this, at least not while I currently work for him, it would only worry whoever I told, I think. And it's totally under control and will not become anything inappropriate, because I won't let it, and Heavenly Father knows my concerns about it, and I've asked for His help with the situation. So I'm not super worried about it. Not super duper worried.. haha, oh geez.