Lost

Once again, I feel lost in life. Lost, referring to my future. I have gone back and forth so many times between PA and nursing this year, it's ridiculous. I forget if I wrote about deciding against PA school shortly after I applied to three, back in August or so, but I did. I decided I just wanted to be a nurse, and I felt really good about that. So I started looking into and the application process of nursing schools. Then for the last few weeks, I've really been thinking about PA school again. So much that I applied to two more, one in Michigan and one in Pennsylvania. Random. And since then I just keep going back and forth. But I am still leaning toward PA. I would love to be a PA. More and more. I want to know what they know, I want to be able to diagose, and yeah, just know so much. One thing that got me really thinking a lot about it again was hearing/reading Camille talk about the female doctor they've been working with with Ethan's eye problem, and how great and knowledgeable she is. That really sparked this strong desire to be able to know so much about the medical field. I want to be able to help families like that, to help them know what is going on with their children, and what now.

But how many schools do I apply for? When do you stop? It takes money to apply anywhere, each time, and I'm not really trying to save for when I have to start paying my undergrad loans back here in a few months. And do I retake the GRE so I can apply to schools that require it and not have a sucky GRE score? That takes more money too. And do I now just apply to PA schools, or do I also focus on getting my nursing applications in too? Last night all this was really weighing on my mind, and I got really stressed. I was really praying about it all, and basically begging Heavenly Father to let me know what to do. It's mostly a financial concern right now, as far as whether or not to apply to more schools, and how many more, etc. I felt like I should call the loan place and get some details figured out, call CASPA and ask them if I did retake the GRE could I change my scores on the application, and to get a blessing, as well as talk to Mom. In blessings past I've been counselled to discuss things with my parents more and get advice from them, and I don't think I do that enough. So I felt like I should talk to her. So this morning, at work, I wrote down these things on my to-do list to do today, and I called the loan place and got those questions answered and feel like I know what I'm working toward now (saving $1000 by Feb to pay off all the interest on one of my loans to significantly decrease the monthly payment starting in March--it will be hard but I think I can do it.), and I got a blessing from my home teachers. The blessing was probably one of the least significant I've ever had, didn't give me any major revelation or answers, but it did mention my family and turning to them, so I feel like I still need to talk to my mom about things. I got home from work too late to call CASPA, so I'll do that tomorrow, and I want to talk to them about the GRE first before I talk to Mom. So I'll call her tomorrow too. I've kind of vented, or expressed these stresses/concerns to a few people today, including my home teachers, my roommate (Jessica), and Kim, my next door neighbor and former roommate, and I'm not feeling as stressed about things, but I still don't really have answers.

I just really wish I could know where I would get in, so I could just apply there, simply to save money wasted on applying to other schools. Or at least be told which profession to focus on. That would save time and money too.

But alas, this is what this life is for, learning. It's just a huge learning process. I know this. And I know everything will work out and I will get answers when I'm supposed to, it always works out when it should. It's just hard to not know right now (story of my life for the last almost-year now, right?). I really want to just save money to pay off my loans, but should I keep applying to programs? I don't know.