a hiccup with Jamie, then better friends than ever

Jamie and I just went through a rough patch, but thankfully it only lasted about a full day. I love her to death, more than ever. But here are the emails that transpired through it.

From me:

Hey,

So I wanted to try to explain why what you said last night was hard to hear. 

That night, the night of the movie, is not a good memory for me, and for multiple reasons. But one was that because I chose to go talk to Cheryl before the movie, I lost out on an opportunity to get to know someone I've wanted to. Because of that, I felt a lot of regret after. So yeah, I was bummed about not getting to sit by Brad, but it was more the opportunity lost, previous to the seating arrangement being changed, and I felt like that was my fault. So the rest of the night I was kicking myself for it. 

Then there were other things that just added, and at the end of the night I was embarrassed about my reaction to how the night went, but it definitely wasn't just the Brad thing. He's not what caused the tears. It was a rough night for multiple reasons (the movie itself was one, it really messed with my emotions, like a very real bad dream, it really affected me, which I honestly think is partly why I was so emotional the rest of the night. Kind of lame, but true.). Which I know is hard to imagine when you were being given attention from a great guy all night, so it's okay.. ;)

So then when you joked last night about me "pouting" over not getting to sit by Brad, I was shocked and kind of crushed, and felt embarrassed that I must have looked like a blubbering fool or something over him. But I didn't really know what to say or think. I already felt vulnerable about what happened the movie night, and I suddenly felt kind of judged, after trusting and confiding in you about my emotions that night, which is hard for me to do, it's not something I'm usually proud of. And like I said, I just didn't know where that comment had come from, but I figured there must be something that brought it on, which is why I started wondering if you had been frustrated at me about the movie night. And it's totally fine if you were or ever have been! You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but I wish that you would tell me. You make me spit things out that are hard to say (which is usually a good thing), but you always just say that you aren't ever mad at me, that I never do things that make you mad. But it's just hard to believe sometimes. And it's fine if you are! Be mad at me once in a while (I say this somewhat lightly, but also seriously :)! Be annoyed! I know I have tons of flaws that probably ARE annoying and frustrating to people, especially to those I'm around all the time, who see the good and the bad, like you--I certainly cause you plenty of grief, I'm sure. I just wish you wouldn't say you really never are if you are occasionally. 

But all that being said, the whole rest of the night last night (and this morning) I was praying, pleading to be able to let it go. To just let it go. After all, it was just one little comment, right? Even though I was kind of hurt, I was also irritated at myself that it affected me like it did. 

So please know that I still love you, and you are still my best friend. I think it's because of this that I just needed you to know. I'm not mad at you, and I'll be fine, and I think we'll be fine too, I just needed you to know.

I really do still love you, a ton

Melissa

Then, from Jamie (she's a saint):

Hey,

I hope I can convey all the thoughts and feelings that I have had today, and specifically in response to this e-mail. 

First of all, thank you for expressing these things to me. I hope you always feel like you can be honest with me without being judged or feeling embarrassed. You don't know how awful it has made me feel to think that you feel like you couldn't confide in me. Being able to share things with you and have you do the same is something I cherish very very much about our friendship. I never want to jeopardize that, and I would never ever want you to feel that you couldn't trust me with your feelings and emotions. And I am so sorry about last night, and also if there have ever been instances in the past where I have made you feel bad in any way.

My comment was meant in a teasing way. But that doesn't make up for the fact that it struck a sensitive spot. I wouldn't have ever even joked about it if I knew or understood how it would effect you, or all that you were going through the night of the movie. I meant what I said last night, and I hope you believe me that I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt you.

I'm sorry that things were rough for you that night. I don't know all the reasons behind that besides the ones that you mentioned, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But don't think that I didn't notice that something was wrong. I am always very aware of you. It doesn't matter who I'm with, or what's going on. I always think of you and worry how my decisions or actions affect you. I worried about you during the whole movie. I was worried that you felt left out because I was sitting by Pat, so I wanted to make sure you didn't feel like a third wheel, and tried to include you, even though I felt like my attempts were in vain (granite it's hard to have much conversation during a movie). But it was really important to me that you had fun. That night was supposed to be for you. I just wanted things to go well, and I felt bad that they didn't work out as well as they maybe could have. But I never once thought you looked like a 'blubbering fool' over Brad. To be honest, I hadn't even thought much about that night since. That's the truth. And again, one of the reasons I am kicking myself for making that stupid comment, because no, I wasn't frustrated at you. Nothing brought what I said on, and it didn't come from anything, except the fact that I knew you were bummed because you didn't get the chance to get to visit with him more. That's all.

I will always be honest with you. I don't usually hold things back or keep my feelings from you. If there have been moments of frustration or hurt, they have been brief. And then they have been gone. I don't hold onto things. I can't. Because it's just not worth it. There is no feeling that matters more than my relationship with someone. It affects me a lot when I have done something to someone I care about, and I want to do anything I can to make it right. I don't know if you really comprehend how much you mean to me. Everything just seems pretty trivial compared to how much I care about you. You say that it's hard to believe that I don't get mad or annoyed at you more often because you have tons of flaws (really?) But I'm sorry to tell you that it's true. Do you remember what I wrote you in your birthday card? I love everything about you. There is not one thing that I don't love about you.

You mentioned that it was just one little comment. But it wasn't. And it hurt. And I can understand why it affected you, and I don't think you should be irritated at yourself for that.

Melissa, you are my best friend. You mean the world to me. No one else compares to you, do you know that? You have been one of the biggest blessings in my life, and came at a time when I needed you the most. I've never told you that I don't think, but you were an answer to my prayers. And you have done more for me and been a better friend to me than I could even imagine or hope for.

I love you.

Jame

Then from me, just now (a couple days later):

So I wrote most of this at work on Sun, during my break, on my phone, and hadn't finished it til now. Just fyi.:)

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I really did appreciate you telling me you were a little (maybe a lot) frustrated at me the other day as well. You were completely entitled to being, I would have been too. And I don't think I ever said it, but I'M sorry for making you frustrated. And then you were so humble about everything I threw at you, and you just let me express my feelings, and you took it so well, so so well, as well as understood and still loved me. Again, I so SO appreciated that, and was just in awe at how humble and meek you have been about the whole thing.
I just re-read this email and it made my day again. I feel like this heart of mine just can't love you anymore than I do right now. That's why I started crying yesterday in the car (initially), because of how touched I was when you were talking about how much you care about me, as well as how much I care about you. Last night after I went home I was thinking about how we both said we could just live happily together for the rest of our lives. And first of all, I think it's crazy that even one of us could say that, let alone both of us. And also, I began to think that if that were really the plan for us, I mean if never getting married in this life meant that I got to just hang out with you through the rest of mortality, I honestly would be fine with that. It would be such a blast, always. Which totally fathoms me that I could feel that way about someone, because I get sick of people.. :) 

Anyway, I can't remember what else I had wanted to include in this when I started writing it, but just know that through this experience, and SO many others, pretty much just our relationship in general, you have taught me, and continue to teach me how to have a good relationship. I have learned more about being in a relationship, and in a successful one, from you, than from anyone else in my life. And I feel like that is huge and a huge blessing to me, especially for if/when marriage ever comes along. I doubt I've ever told you that, but I think it all the time.

Alright, that's it for now. I love you.

Melissa

I went over to their house (Jamie and Wendy's) last night after work, and they were there with their boys (Rob and Pat, who just entered the picture recently, still a new thing, but Pat and Jamie will probably date), and I thought there would at least be someone else over, but nope, apparently no one they invited came, so I was definitely the 5th wheel. But it actually turned out okay. It was a really fun night. At first I felt kind of out of place, being the odd wheel, but they all just were so entertained by me, and I felt so loved and wanted. And after the boys went home I stayed and hung out for a while, and Jamie and Wendy were both saying just how fun I am, and how fun I am to have around. And that I liven things up when I come. That totally just makes my day and means the world to me. Especially when I felt like the odd one out. 
Then, Wendy fell asleep on the couch and Jamie and I were just on the bean bag sharing a blanket, talking and laughing for a while, and it is just so fun with her. I have never had a friend like her, never imagined I'd have a best friend like her. She is absolutely amazing and I love her so much. We have a very unique and special relationship, and I am SO so grateful for it. We are so close, there just aren't words to describe. And it kind of kills me that we are both supposed to still get married. Because, like I referred to in my email to her, we both told each other the other day that we really would be happy with each other for the rest of our lives. And we would, and it would be an amazing life together. And I don't mean that in a weird way at all. We're both very straight, but we're just so close. If one of us was a boy we'd get married, no doubt. And so it really does make it hard, to think of ever not being like this, of one or both of us dating someone seriously and getting married. I hope and pray it happens for both of us at the same time, but if it doesn't, as it seems like it might happen for her first right now, it will be hard. And we've discussed how the transition, for one or both of us, will be hard, it just will. We've talked about it a couple times at least. And it will, even if we both get married, leaving this part of our lives and not spending so much time together will be really hard. She is my best friend, my other half. We are so close, I can't even describe. I would give my life for her in a second, and I know she would do the same for me. We do so much for each other. I love her so much. And it's honestly hard to imagine being this close to anyone else ever, especially a guy. Both being girls, we understand each other so well, which I think is a lot of why we are so close.
Anyway, I could talk about Jamie and how much I love her all day, but I need to go to sleep. :)
Goodnight!