Things are so much better

So since my last post, after talking to Sally about what was going on with me, we figured out it was the Spencer situation, that he was just dragging me down, and I hadn't even realized it (yikes). And that I for sure needed to block him and get rid of him, pronto.
Long story short, my plan was to block him Sat. after sending my last message, and then moving on happily, feeling very liberated. But instead, he sent me a couple long messages, mostly good things, but included things I wanted to comment on, as well as there were things I was planning on saying before I blocked him (in good ways). So he sent me these long messages, and then when I got on Sat morning after two night shifts, found that HE had blocked ME. I fell apart. And I was a mess for two days. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen! I felt so unresolved. So many things I still wanted to say, but now couldn't. I got home and was an emotional mess, and Dad was there and could tell, and asked me what they could do for me that day, and I asked if he could give me a blessing later today. I was going to ask for one anyway, after I blocked him, but now, with this new upsetting turn of events, I for sure needed one. He of course said yes.
Before I went to bed that morning, I had the idea to create a fake fb account, send him my last message, and then block him, and be done with it. So then I felt hope again, and like things could be resolved. Slept, woke up, felt okay, talked to mom about it, then went and wrote out my message, created the fake account, and went to find him and message him, and realized he must have actually deleted or deactivated his account! So I couldn't message him at all. I fell apart again. I felt crushed. Hopeless. So unresolved again, and with nothing I could do. There was the last resort option of writing him a letter, he had given me his parents' address (and at the time asked me if I would just send him a wedding announcement when I got married...haha, uh..probably not, that's weird). But I didn't want to involve his parents, I had just wanted to message him and be done with it! So I asked Dad if I could get that blessing. He cleaned up real quick and gave it to me, but I just couldn't stop crying after, and I told mom and dad why, and to my blessing, they were very understanding and even encouraged me to write and send him a letter, if that would help. I thought their reaction to that idea, especially mom, would be to discourage me not to, to just let it go. But the fact that they supported the idea, if it would help me (I was clearly in some serious distress, just crying and crying) meant so much to me. And for the record, I haven't sent any letter, and don't think I will. I feel like that's not necessary anymore, and I'm just trying to let it all go and move on. Which is working, and I'm so so grateful.
Anyway, Sunday I didn't want to go to my ward, didn't want to be social or talk to anyone. Didn't want to see Jamie. She didn't know what had been going on, I hadn't talked to her about Spencer for a couple months, and I wasn't in the mood to explain anything, and I knew she would know something was wrong. I went to ward council, but was on the verge of tears by the end, so left, went home, ate breakfast, slept some more, and went to church with Camille and family. Then I went to their house and hung out all afternoon, into the evening. And it was so good. So so good. So therapeutic. I was able to tell Camille everything that happened, and we talked about the situation multiple times throughout the afternoon. I just needed to talk things out. I'm like that, I need to talk. And she helped me work through some feelings about it. And it was fun to play with the kids and just feel care free. And then before I left her house, it came up that she hadn't had a very good week either, and that she was struggling too, which honestly was kind of mind blowing to me because (and I told her this in a text later that night) she always seems so put together and functional, and happy and fine. She fakes it well. I sure don't. So I was really glad to learn that, and talk to her about some things, and how being a mom is really hard, and she feels like she is failing in so many areas (holy wrong, she is an amazing mom!), etc. So we were able to arrange for me to come over this week so she could leave and get anything done that she wanted, that would help decrease her stress, like getting an eye appointment. That was something that was stressing her out, that she couldn't see super well.
Anyway, I went over today actually (Wed), and it worked out great, and I tended and played with the kids, we made funfetti cupcakes (were supposed to be cookies, but the consistency didn't quite work out..), and played and played. Bikes, sidewalk chalk, Chutes and Ladders, In a Pickle, played trains with Lincoln while Ethan and Owen played on the ipads, played outside on the tramp. It was really fun. And I decided the other night that I need to do that once a month for both she and Rosanna. Just tend so they can go do whatever.
Anyway, today is Wed, and things are so much better with the Spencer thing being over. I feel so great knowing I don't have to worry about getting his messages anymore, or responding, or not responding. I'm grateful for the experience and what I learned and experienced, in hopes I can help others in the future, but I'm so so glad it's over. What a crazy and emotionally exhausting 4 months!
But I feel happiness again, I care about people again, I feel a lot of hope and excitement for the future and what's to come. I talked to Jamie for  while last night after volleyball and explained everything that had been going on for the past 2 months with him. And we talked a lot about a few things, and just kind of reconnected. And it was really good. In my wanting to do my own thing thing that I've been experiencing, I forget how nice it is to talk to her sometimes. How understanding and non-judgmental she is, and how comforting it is to hear her perspective on the situation, as she is able t relate to me in ways other people aren't, because we're both in the same phase of life, and because she and I think so similarly. So that was really nice and a great blessing to chat with her so much last night.
Things are definitely looking up. And I am still so blessed.