Thoughts I need to get out. Just wanting to do my own thing lately.

I haven't written for months, and I need to update (i.e. the drama trama rama of dating Spencer Ring and everything that came after; Dylan's passing; and my trip to Hawaii), but I just felt the need to write some thoughts and feelings tonight.
Tonight I've been feeling kind of blah. I worked last night, slept all day today, practiced the guitar for a bit (just started a community ed guitar class last week that I'm loving!), went upstairs, mom and dad had gotten home from work and were heading out on a walk, Arved arrived (still comes daily, at least once), I ordered Dragon Diner while they were gone, they got home and Dad went and picked it up, I got ready for our volleyball game, we ate dinner, then I headed to our games at Bonneville Junior High (this is our second season of this rec league, I'm playing on a team with Jamie and Camille and some other friends, it's been really fun! I love it and look forward to it every week). Volleyball was fun enough, I mean the actual playing of the volleyball was fun. I love playing. It usually ends too quickly, at least today it did. But I don't know, I didn't feel super connected to anyone tonight, I'm struggling with wanting to be around Jamie these days, and I think I've created a bigger aversion to her than necessary. And then with Camille, this week we had had a little heart to heart via email after something she had said to me on Sat that was upsetting, and there has been apologies and explanation, etc., and I expected to have kind of a serious moment with her when I saw her again tonight, of a good hug or something, and I hugged her when I saw her, but she had come with Hailey, and the hug wasn't anything special, and she didn't seem phased any by our exchanges this week, or seem to recall them, or something. I don't know. It was kind of a let down though, because it was kind of a big deal to me the last few days, what we've talked about (it was about the Spencer situation, and a knee-jerk reaction comment she made the other day that frustrated me, which she knew and felt bad about). So I think that started my bummer mood. Playing vb was fun, but the mood in general was down, partly because how we were playing part of the time, and whatever other reason. Shar seemed to be in a little more of a bummer mood too? Not sure. Probably just frustrated that we were doing poorly part of the time.
But I left volleyball, Jamie just said bye and left (but seemed in a fine mood), I chatted with Camille for a few min (with Hailey right there too), about Owen's bday party tomorrow night at their house, and I don't know..I think one thing I don't love is sometimes these worlds of family and friends meshing. Playing on a team with both Jamie (Carli Brandt and Shar too, and Tina), and Camille (and her friend, Hailey). It's weird. Maybe it's me being jealous? It kind of irritates me how Camille talks to Jamie sometimes, maybe because I'm not loving being around Jamie right now, and Camille treats her so nice and friendly..? That sounds so dumb and mean of me, I know. I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm feeling. I mean I like Jamie, I've just been having an aversion to her for the last while, wanting to more do my own thing.
But that was the rest of it tonight. Oh, so we were chatting, Camille, Hailey and I, and that is weird too. That's one thing I don't love about the volleyball situation, is that I never really get to be with or chat with Camille alone. Because she always comes with Hailey, so Hailey is always there. Or Jamie hangs around me after or something. And I almost feel like Camille doesn't talk to me when others are around like she talks to me when we are alone. She's more real when it's just us, I think. And when others are around, she's more bubbly and stuff, and I think that kind of irritates me a little. Maybe that's it. ?
Anyway, I left after we parted, Jamie had already left, and I walked to my car and just wanted to be alone. I got in, put on my new favorite song, "Take Your Time" by Sam Hunt, and just listened to my good music as I drove home. And I was so grateful to be alone. It was a very enjoyable drive home, with some good songs, and it was dark, and a little rainy, but I wasn't in a hurry, don't have to work tomorrow or anything.. Then I just sat in the driveway in my car for a bit, listening to music, and just thinking. Not even on my phone. And it was great. I'm in such a do my own thing phase right now, I kind of often want to just be alone. But I think part of the reason is because I feel kind of alone. I don't really have a best friend, or one that I feel that way about. Jamie is still technically my best friend, but I just don't feel like we are as similar now as we used to be. I don't have the desire to tell her everything anymore. Later tonight I just sat on the couch, read the Mormon Times section of the newspaper for a bit, and then just sat there and thought about this, and that's when I kind of had this realization, that maybe this blah feeling is because I don't feel like I have a best friend. I don't have someone right now who understands me, or who I can just tell everything to and want to talk to. Sally is that sometimes, but with this whole Spencer thing, no one really knows exactly what's going on, he keeps messaging me, and usually it's good things now, continuing to show remorse, apologize for how he acted and treated me, praise me for whatever, but today it turned to rehashing things again, and I wrote, but haven't sent yet, a message telling him to please stop rehashing things, and to please let it go, as I have, and that if he can't, to please stop messaging me about it. I'm done hearing about it, because he nearly starts blaming me again, and assumes things that I thought or said that I never did. He's getting how things were and how I felt wrong, and that was frustrating to read today. Can we let the whole thing go already?! Leave me alone!
So anyway, basically that's kind of still a thing in my life I'm dealing with, the Spencer thing, and though I don't let it really bother me TOO much anymore, it's still something I'm dealing with, and sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with it alone. But no one (And by no one, I mean neither Sally nor Camille, who, besides Jamie and Mom and Dad, are the only ones I've ever really talked to about him since all the craziness started after he went back to MN), and Mom is hard to talk to about it because she just wants to tell me what to do. I just wish I had someone of my own that I could talk to about it. Jamie would love to listen, but I don't know, I just don't have a ton of desire to talk to her about things or be around her these days. I wish that wasn't the truth. But yeah. It's times like these that it would be really nice to have husband. Or boyfriend. Or best guy friend. Just someone that really cared about me and I could share these things with.
And with that, can I just say, I have almost no interest in friends. I mean, besides my duty and calling as a visiting teacher, and sometimes going to FHE because I feel like I should because I can go and we're technically supposed to go to FHE, and the occasional temple nights when I can, because I am partly in charge, I just have next to no interest in socializing with the ward. I used to really like the girls, and it is fun to see some of them still and chat, but I just have lost my desire to and to be social in general. I like me family, I like being with them, and that's about it. I feel like this had kind of been coming on for a bit already, but these experiences with Spencer and then with Dylan's passing, I feel like really changed me. I feel like they aged me, in maturity, significantly more than just the passing of time. Not saying I'm so mature or anything now, but I feel changed. I mean I am changed. Those have both been pretty significant experiences in my life. In all our lives, the Dylan thing. The spiritual experiences I've had, getting through the Spencer thing, and then just everything with Dylan's passing, realizing that so much in life really doesn't matter. I guess what I'm getting at is that I just feel on a totally different plane than friends and those in the ward than before. I'm probably explaining this terribly, but it's hard to. But I think that's why, or partly why, I just want to do my own thing so much lately. I just have no desire to be with people, with friends. Family, yes. But the thought of going to a party or to a ward activity just has no appeal. And maybe I'm just having a down night, that's probably part of this. Because some days I'm super happy and excited about life. I still feel life is good tonight, I just feel a little more serious about things tonight. Not so frivolous. I feel like I am living my life alone right now. That's it. I feel like I'm living my life alone. And not that that's a terrible thing, it's just kind of lonely. Especially when there are big things you are dealing with in your head alone. But I'll probably feel better about all of this tomorrow.