But this week is my second week of EFY, as a counselor, and it's going really well. I love my co, Weston, he is so great! Shannon (my roommate last week) was co's with him last week, and loved him, so I was excited when I found out we were co's. And we have the 16-18 year olds this week, so they are older and more mature than the younger ones, and our company is so great! I love my girls, they are so great, and so much more unified than my girls last week. None of them came with a friend, so they have all bonded pretty well so far, which makes me so happy. They are definitely more mature than my last girls, at least for the most part, which has been really nice and fun. I especially love Haylee, who is the most mature of the group, and she is so down to earth, and has found herself, and is very strong spiritually. She also reminds me a lot of Rachel, my cousin. I also really love Marissa, she's kind of the drama queen in our group, but so adorable and so hilarious.
Our guys are really great too, they are a lot more mature and respectful than some of the guys in my company last week. They are so great about escorting the girls, which impresses me greatly, I love it. We have 2 more guys than girls, so sometimes a boy will ask to escort me, it's sweet. I especially love Jon, he is such a sweet guy. He wanted me to teach him some other variety moves besides twirling, before the dance, it was cute. But all our guys this week are pretty great, they like me and say hi when they see me and everything. They make me feel so loved. :)
So back to the Breck situation--so it had/has been bothering me so much (the behavior change) that last night and today I've been praying about it, to know what to do. Today he was still acting a lot less energetic and friendly, and it was really bothering me. I kept wondering if it was me...cuz last week things seemed mutual, or so I trying not to get my hopes up for, and failing. And I became more interested in him than was safe, so I started, without trying to, acting like I didn't notince him, kind of ignored him when he was around, cuz I had such a crush on him. Doesn't make sense, I know, but it just happens. Sally and I decided it's a girl thing to do that. Kind of ironic. So this week I've been wondering if his change in behavior had anything to do with how I kind of blew him off on Sat. before leaving for the weekend. I didn't blow him off, I just didn't talk to him or anything. But, so I was wondering if it was cuz I did that on Sat. or whatever. But then it dawned on me today that maybe something was wrong with him, so the next time I got a chance to talk to him, which was as we were in line to go into Morningside, I said hi and asked if he was okay. He just looked at me and smiled a straight, closed smile. I asked him again, thinking he may not have heard me, and the same smile. so then I figured something was wrong, so then I was concerned about him the rest of the day.
Then tonight at the dance I finally got to ask him and he had actually been really sick with the runs all morning, poor guy. That made me feel better that I knew what had been wrong, but he still wasn't as friendly to me as he was last week, and I now feel kind of crushed, or rejected. I let myself like him too much too fast, and now I'm slightly hurt, cuz I feel like he is no longer interested. Maybe he never was, but he sure seemed like it. I was really impressed with him last week.
I just hate this rejected feeling, I've felt it so many times in my life, and in recent years I try not to let myself like a guy enough to get rejected when I almost always find out it's not mutual, or when nothing happens. I have such small confidence when it comes to being attractive to guys or being desirable, so to speak. I just feel like I'm not, that I'm still the awkward, ugly girl I was in like junior high, or what not. That's an exaggeration, but not by much. I just want to badly for a guy to like me back who I am very attracted to. I feel like it never happens and almost like it never will. And now that I'm okay with the dating exclusively and marriage idea (thanks to Steve, dating him got rid of those fears), that's hard for me.
And now I'm starting to have a little secret crush on Weston. He is so great, and so sweet. When we were all learning the Fox Trot at the dance, he immediately picked me as a partner, which meant more to me than he would probably ever believe. He was such a great partner, we had so much fun dancing together, and he is a good partner. We were spinning and doing different things. Then the rest of the night I was secretly just wanting to be around him, he felt like my home base.
I am a mess. And I am so exhausted, I don't know if I can even get up from the hall floor here in Suzana Hall.
Oh, ps, Jane Ann is my roommate this week, and we are having so much fun together, we have become such good friends already. She is the one dating Mat. And they are co's this week, which is funny. But I just love her. :)
Goodnight!
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