This last week we went on a group roommate date and because of things that happened in preparation for the date (my date--Carrie's brother's roommate, who I was just being set up with), I was really frustrated at Tisah, because then she got her good friend, Brian, who I thought (she had told me just a week or so earlier) she was interested in, to be my last-minute date. So I was frustrated that I was put in an awkward situation of being on a date with the boy she was interested in; the date ended up being reallly fun actually, Brian was a good date. But then what frustrated/hurt me the most was that Tisah never said anything about it again, when I assumed, and was so sure she knew I was frustrated about the night, and even figured she knew I was frustrated at her. So I felt like since she didn't bring it up or say anything about it, she didn't care, which hurt a lot.
Other things have happened this week that have added to it festering, and by today, I just couldn't take it anymore and I texted her this afternoon after church and asked if we could talk.
So we just finished talking a few minutes ago, and I'm glad I got to tell her what has been bothering me, but turns out I assumed lots of things wrong, and we miscommunicated again, and that she doesn't actually like Brian like that anymore (wish I'd known that), and that she didn't know I was still frustrated after the date about the date, and didn't know that it was she who was the problem for sure, this week.
We talked about things, I ended up crying, again, which I hate because I'm always the one to get emotional, and she doesn't really. But even though we talked about things, things are still weird, and right now I feel like I'm not sure if they are ever going to really get back to normal. I just don't feel on the same page as her. I feel like she isn't real with me a lot of times, unless we're alone. I feel so alone and out of place in this apartment lately. I feel like I'm not myself a lot. Tisah said she feels like I'm always mad. That hurt. I can kind of see why she said that, but always? I would love nothing more right now than to go home to Salt Lake or go live with Camille and Jake and not come back. If it wouldn't cause drama and a lot of effort, I would seriously consider moving out.
Tisah and I are so opposite emotionally, I think that's why it's been so hard. When she is upset about something, she just confronts the person and works it out, and naturally expects others to do that too. When I get frustrated I (subconsciously, maybe consciously) expect the person to realize they've frustrated me, and ask, and when they don't, it festers, and I just get more and more frustrated and hurt. It's so much easier for me to talk about what's wrong if I'm asked. It's very hard for me to just come out and say it, until it gets to the point when I can't take it anymore and end up talking about it. And even then it's very difficult and emotionally taxing, and I end up in tears, partly because, at least with Tisah, when I think she is much to blame, by the time our talk is over, I often am made feel like (probably not on purpose) it's my fault, and I feel very small. Not in the humbled way, but in the I am an emotional mess, and you aren't at all, and I feel really embarrassed that it's caused me this much grief when...I dunno. I just feel dumb and not like I fully got my point across. I mean, I think she can see where I'm coming from, but the conversation didn't go how I hoped. It wasn't very satisfying to me.
I would so love to live with older girls, ideally returned missionaries. I feel slightly judgmental saying that, because it's not a bad thing at all when girls haven't served missions. But there's just a different level of understanding and maturity with RMs. I miss living with RMs. I don't want to just complain about my apartment, but a lot of the time I feel like I live in a young apartment. I love all my roommates, but sometimes I just wish I had someone like Emily (Williams, now McConkie) living in the same apartment, that I could talk to. I just don't really feel like I can talk to Tisah like that anymore, or at least lately.
Augh, and I feel like I am the emotional wreck of the apartment, and that now Tisah and Carrie are going to talk about me, and that makes me feel even more isolated...
I just want to go home.
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