I think I just need to write, get this all out

I'm feeling unsettled. I'm not sure about what though. I've kind of felt unsettled all afternoon. Maybe all day. Like I offended someone, or didn't tell a whole truth or something.. but I can't figure out why I'm feeling this way.

So it's been two weeks since Wes wanted to take a step back, and I haven't heard from him. Nothin. This I am a little surprised by. I'm pretty much over him, moved on, I've gone out with a couple other guys. I'm over him except for moments here and there, like as I'm laying in bed at night and I start thinking about him and how amazing the night he kissed me was, and how much I felt like I was in a movie, and it didn't all feel real.. and then a week later he basically ends things, without ending things. I don't know if that was his intention when he said he wanted to take a step back, but it just kind of annoys me how he was so touchy and adorable and kissed me so much that night, the first time he kissed me, and then that was it. Oh, and how he was so nice to go to campus and get me my textbook that last morning, and bring it, as well as soup and cough drops, to me that day, before our date that night. I just don't get it. And I still feel like he is not the one, more and more all the time, so I'm not devastated that way or anything, but I almost wish he hadn't kissed me. I don't know. No, I don't wish that, because it was really fun, and I'll be honest, it is really nice to have finally kissed a second guy, and to have that looooooonnnng dating drought broken, but I don't know....maybe that he wasn't so amazingly and adorably touchy or something, before we were official and stable maybe. I think some moments I feel slightly rejected, which is why I feel slightly annoyed. And I pretty much dread the day now when I see him, like at a stake activity or something. Because it's bound to happen eventually, and I have no idea what I would, or should, say to him.


Something else this weekend, real quick: so Jamie, Wendy and I all pretty much made a pact that, as far as dating and marriage go, it's all of us or none of us. So not too long afterwards, amazingly, all three of us started dating someone! Wes and me, Wendy and Boyd (after they had been trying for about five months already), and Jamie and this new BYU-I boy named Nate.

About a week later, Wendy and Boyd broke up, and then Wes and I ended (or took a step back...), but Jamie and Nate were still going strong. They were going towards serious pretty fast. I think we all thought that they would likely get married eventually, even Jamie. Then, as life does, things took a major turn and I get a text from Jamie yesterday, after I had asked her how her Friday night with him was (he was down here this weekend), saying that they aren't together anymore. WHAT?!?! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. At first I thought it was a joke, it couldn't be real. I mean, I was just that day trying to deal with my emotions of essentially losing her to Nate, but I was happy for her, I really was. I would rather she be in a relationship and get married than me, honestly. I think she wants it even more than I do, and she needs it. I feel like I can be happy a little better than she can, single. Just my personality. She is a happy person, but she's waited long enough and wants to be married so bad. So I was a little sad, and albeit a little jealous too, of her thriving relationship, but really happy for her happiness.

But then this.

So long story short, turns out it's pornography. Which is tragic. And kind of a big deal. Like a deal breaker. One of those things that is just hard to get past and be willing to marry a guy in spite of.

So they are on great terms, and after a week of them talking a lot about stuff, and it being hard, and after a range of feelings on both sides, they are both doing good. And Nate, we think, has been motivated quite a bit, by an amazing girl (Jamie) basically telling him that he is not the kind of guy that she wants to marry, that he's not there yet. So thankfully, he has humbled himself enough to let her say that, and to want to change and pull his life together, to improve, and to work really hard on this addiction.

So besides the tragedy of this plaguing addiction, the three of us are back to all being single! Which is kind of fun, I'll be honest. :) We all went to Julia and John's wedding reception last night, and then to Red Robin, and then to their apt and watched Rise of the Guardians while all of us working on things while watching it. It was a really fun night, I just love hanging out with Wendy and Jamie. And we've already started planning another road trip, of course. :) But who knows, last time we planned a road trip, we ended up not going because Wes asked me out, Wendy wanted to go out with Boyd, and Jamie got a date too (not Nate, but still). And then shortly thereafter we were all in a relationship. So who knows, maybe another road trip plann-age is just the trick. :)

Except Wendy and Boyd have been emailing this week and she is up at his house in Ogden tonight, so Wendy may be back in a relationship tonight... which we would all be happy for, of course.