I miss him.

I miss him, I miss Andy so much. I want now, more than ever, to date him. To be with him. To be close to him. I so wanted to spend time with him on the 4th of July (2 days ago), it seemed like we should have been. And I so wish he was coming to Bear Lake with me next week for our family reunion.
I started praying back in March that I would have a boy to bring to Bear Lake with me. I so wanted to have someone of my own this year. It's so hard--not always, but sometimes, and it seems to be getting harder, the older I get and the longer I am alone--to be with family and not have someone of my own. And I hate that I get bummed out about it, and feel down. I wish I could always just be the super fun aunt/sister/sister-in-law. And I guess I can, it's up to me. But it's hard. It's hard to always be by myself. It sucks, frankly. So I just really really wanted someone to bring this time. I was really hoping and praying to be dating someone by then that I could take. And I really had faith that I would be able to. I know Heavenly Father knows and hears me, and loves me and answers my prayers. And I really thought this one would be answered. But our reunion is next week, and here I am, with no boyfriend, just wanting to date someone who doesn't feel good about moving forward with us, and who is also moving to DC that Friday anyway. I'm still really excited about the trip, I hope it's a lot of fun. I just wish I had someone of my own to take.
And last year I remember joking with Jamie (and maybe Wendy was there too), that no matter what, I was taking someone with me! If I wasn't married or dating anyone, I was taking one of them! And now, I just..I don't know, I have no desire to take Jamie. Our relationship with Wendy is different these days than a year ago, better than it's been in the last few months, but just not as close. But my relationship has only gotten even closer with Jamie, and we are definitely best friends. But in the last couple weeks or so, I just have no desire really, to be around her or do stuff with her. I think it's partly because I've been so enveloped with this Andy stuff, with Andy on the brain, and I think he's also made me just want to be with a guy. I'm sick of being with girls. Not that I even live with them. But I just want to be with a guy, to be dating someone so bad. Or just hang out by myself. Is that weird? Jamie's been out of town, at home in Rexburg, this weekend for the 4th, and she really wanted me to go with her, but I didn't go. Partly because I was supposed to work the night after the 4th, so it would have been a really short trip for me. But also because I have just needed time away from her. We are really close and I love her, but she needs me. And I often don't mind that, and it's really nice to feel needed and loved like she makes me feel. But sometimes it's just too much. And I just want to be alone or do my own thing, and not feel like she's going to want to do something any evening I'm not working or what not. And not that she ever pressures me to do stuff or anything, she's not like that at all. But I think I like alone time more than she does, and I have a million projects and things I've been wanting to work on and get done, I feel like I could do my own thing every night. Unless there was a guy.
I wish there was a guy.
I wish there was Andy.