Well. Turns out he was not thinking what I thought he was thinking, and this all came out 2 nights later, on Monday night, June 23.
I hadn't heard from him all day, even after texting him something funny in the morning, that I thought he'd at least respond to. I had thought about him practically constantly since Sat. night, and by Mon afternoon/evening, it felt like he wasn't thinking about me at all, and that was hard, and I had to know if it was true.
So I called him out on it, and essentially asked him if he had been, and told him why I was asking, and that I just needed to know what he was thinking.
He immediately called me, and we talked for almost 20 min, and he told me, in a very nice way, that though yes, he has a lot of fun and enjoys being with me too, and cares about me, he still just doesn't feel peace about moving forward with us. That was hard to hear, and I started crying on the phone (dang it). He felt really bad, of course, because he's so great.
I also brought up our planned aquarium outing that we were going to meet up in Draper for the next Tues, and how if that's how he feels, then maybe it wasn't a good idea to get together, because I think it's too hard to be with you and not be dating, essentially. He still thought it would be fun, but he said if it would cause me more pain, then that's fine if we didn't. I said we could just be in touch about it (that Tues has since passed, and we did not get together).
We hung up and I just lost it. Uncontrollable sobs, I was a mess. My heart was completely broken. Just when I was so sure I wanted to be with him, he didn't feel the same. And I didn't understand why. I mean you can't argue with someone just not feeling peace about something, but I KNOW he loves being with me too, it's very obvious, we both care a lot about each other, and the way he treats me when I'm with him, like Sat. night, for example, it's so hard for me to understand how he can treat me like that, and hold me that tight and kiss my face so tenderly and amazingly, and not want to be with me as often as he can before he leaves. I don't get that. When we get along so well and click so well and have chemistry and are so comfortable with each other. The next night I was talking to my mom about the situation, I was struggling still, and I was describing his and my relationship like that, and she said that that's marriage, that's the kind of guy you want to marry, who you have fun with and are so comfortable with.. so yeah, I don't get it. She really doesn't get it and has really felt good about Andy. So that's interesting.
But anyway, after crying for a little while, I became frustrated with Andy, and needed to get some more things out to him. So I wrote him this email that night, and didn't finish and send it until 1:30 am, which was bad because I had to work the next morning (that was a rough day at work..at least the first half..swollen eyes, so tired, emotionally drained and on the verge of tears..).
But here is the email.
(Andy,)
One more thing.
Something I didn't say about the whole just being friends thing was (I'm way better at writing out my thoughts, and decided to save you text space:) that yeah, I thought we would be too, and do the just friends things, and I felt fine about that and about hanging out and such. But then at the play you cuddle with me and treat me like we're dating (which I really appreciated and enjoyed, in fact, because I felt meaning behind it, and I was loving being with you), and then you take me to your house to watch a movie and you are so cute to me and massage me and cuddle with me again (though I was grateful you didn't try to kiss me during the movie, so thank you. Not because I didn't want to, but I don't want to kiss anymore if I don't know we're dating, in addition to wanting to completely avoid previous mishaps altogether); and then there was all the cute kissing of my face and long hugging..all of which is what made me think, oh, maybe he does want to be more than friends again, it seemed like that's maybe what you were thinking and wanting after all, and I felt okay about that. I am a very independent person, but my heart is a little more fragile than that. You can't expect to massage me and cuddle with me and hold me that tight for that long and kiss my face like that, and do all these cute and sincere things, and me not want to see you more and date that.:) Especially when we already click so well and have so much fun together. You can't expect me to think we're not more than friends, as you do these things all night, when I had thrown out the idea of trying dating again to you the last time we were together, and when I know you like being with me too. You seemed so sincere and caring about everything. I can't have an amazing night like that with you anymore and then not get to see you for a while or hear from you much because we're not actually dating or you don't actually feel that way about me or want to move forward. I've come to care about you too much, and it's kind of a let down. Not to mention slightly insulting and makes me feel used. And maybe you weren't sure how you felt at the time either, which would help explain. Or maybe I'm seeing it wrong. I don't know. I don't feel like you would just do that, knowingly. I know you care about me, I do. Or maybe it's just too easy to be so physical, with our past. But that is where the problem lies, I suppose. So if we do end up getting together again for the aquarium or what not and you still feel the way you do, don't you dare do more than hug me.
:)
And while I say all this in somewhat of a light tone, at the same time I'm also serious.
But I know there's always two sides to every situation, and I'm sure there were lots of thoughts going through your head that night, so if so, feel free to fill me in.
Hope you're sleeping well.
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