His answer was very positive and he said yeah that would be fun, but he's not super into baseball, but there were a lot of other fun things to do..:)
I didn't mind that, I just wanted to see him and was THRILLED that he wanted to too, and that I was going to see him very soon then..! That made me giddy at work a little bit. That was a nice start to my shift that night, seeing his response. :)
So long story short, we were going to check out the new aquarium in Draper, but last minute on Thurs (last night) Andy found out it closed at 6 pm and had called me to tell me the news (loved talking to him on the phone, it was so good to hear his voice). So after some brainstorming and Google-ing, we ended up meeting up at the Color Me Mine in Draper (he'd never been, had wanted to, and I had a coupon), to find out we were 30 min too late after they take their last painters of the day. So we ended up walking over to Zupas (our "usual" haha), ate and chatted there, and then brainstormed and figured out what to do.
The whole evening hanging out with him was so enjoyable, even just sitting there across from him chatting. I was so comfortable and it was SO good to see him.
Best part though I'd say were the hugs I got when I first saw him. We had a good long hug when we first met up, after he had said he liked my bright colors that I was wearing; and then as we were standing near Zupas, having just started walking after our rejection at Color Me Mine and stopped to figure out where to eat, we were just standing there trying to decide what to do, and he just put his arms around me and hugged me really good again. I loved that. Loved that. That meant so much to me. I had missed him so much and missed being close to him.
After Zupas we decided to go check out IKEA, because I had never been and always wanted to, and he had only been once. So we went there and How To Train Your Dragon was playing on this flat sreen at the front, in front of two couches, conveniently. So we sat down and watched the last twenty min or so, which was really fun. We sat close and he put he arm on the couch, just behind me. I so wanted to put my hand on his leg or heck, even hold his hand, but I resisted. But it was just nice and comfortable to sit there with him, watching and joking about the movie together.
After walking around IKEA for a little bit it closed and we got kicked out. But that was so fun too! We have a lot of the same opinions for things that we liked and didn't like that we saw, like kitchen set-ups and uses of space. We're both all about efficient use of space, and functionality. It was so fun to do that, and again, I was just so comfortable with him. He was a little flirtatious here and there, which I was slightly surprised about, I wasn't sure what to expect as far as going there, but it was fun. And made me what else the night would bring or what he had in mind or wanted or was planning. I had certainly been reconsidering dating him again, and wanting it off and on, but had no idea what he had been thinking all this time. I knew he still really cared about me, but that was about it.
So we went out to the car and I said, "Well, what do you want to do now?" He had thrown out the idea of a movie earlier, so threw that out again, as well as something else that I can't remember. I said either sounded good, and then I said what sounded amazing was watching a movie outside. It was SO nice outside then, I thought that would be so fun. He agreed, so as he drove we tried to figure out how to make that work..we were in Draper, with nothing.
We ended up going to the drive in! I had only been to one in my whole life, and it was last summer, and it was fun. Although I didn't have a boy that I loved with me that time, so I was really excited. :) Although we were just in his Honda Civic, had no bean bag or many blankets or anything, but we thought we'd try to make it work anyway. I suggested just moving the front seats up and sitting in the back seat.
So we did. And he held me close immediately. And I loved it. So much. I missed being close to him.
Then it didn't take too far through the movie for him to slowly start giving me hints that he wanted to kiss me. His head was really close to mine, and he started caressing my face/jaw line with his hand, and then around my lips, and then my lips. I couldn't help but slowly turn my head toward his, although I was loving even just what he was doing. Soon after that we were kissing. And I didn't mind at all. I was slightly surprised that he was kissing me, just in general, I wasn't totally expecting him to kiss me at all that night, I knew that just having a fun, kiss-free night was definitely possible. But I also wasn't too surprised either. It's hard not to open that door once it has been, and we both really care about each other too, we're still really close.
So anyway, whether we should have initially or not, there we were, kissing in his back seat, haha. Definitely something I'd never done before, kiss in the back seat of a car..haha
So we kissed off and on through out the movie, and then for a bit after. Long story short, we should have stopped before we did, and things got a little too heated, and ended in him feeling very frustrated and mad at himself, and regretting what he had done. Sound familiar? I couldn't believe we had let this happen again. I should have stopped sooner too, and after we got out of the car to get back in the front seats, I realized I was physically affected as well, and knew I had gone too far too.
So we had kind of an uncomfortable, somewhat quiet ride back to Draper to my car, and ended up talking there in that parking lot for a long time, about what had happened, his feelings, my feelings..his reasons, my questions.. We discovered the reason he kissed me was different than the reason I had let him kiss me. I loved him and wouldn't have minded deciding to date again that night, I was enjoying being with him so much and had had such a great and comfortable and innocent evening with him so far, I had loved that he wanted to kiss me at all. That meant so much to me, at the time.
But he told me, in more words than this, that when he knew he could probably get me to make out with him, that's kind of what happened. I was kind of hurt by that, he said he felt like a monster, and I just really wanted him to tell me, to clarify that the reasons he kissed me wasn't all just to get action. That somewhere in there it was because he cared about me. And he said that yes, he certainly cared a lot about me, and thinks I'm amazing, but that if he really cared about me, he never would have kissed me (man, guys and girls think so differently...). I asked him two or three times, that same question, and he kept saying he didn't want to hide behind this, that he had been weak, and he's been tired of trying, and hasn't been doing the things in his life to keep him strong.
So after discussing things further, I just concluded and told him--and maybe this was me convincing myself so as to protect my heart--that I couldn't believe that part of the reason that he kissed me wasn't because he cared, somewhere in there. He never could confirm that, but I just had to think him better than that. Maybe yeah, because it might have been too hard on me to think of him really just using me. That thought is very hurtful even right now. So I choose not to believe it.
We did talk about other things, I brought up the thoughts I'd been having over the last few months, considering dating and trying it out again, even with him moving to DC soon, just enjoying each other, as we clearly both do, and said we do, while it lasts, while he's still around. And I told him I wasn't necessarily posing a question or needing an answer, but I just wanted to share those thoughts I had been having. And I'm glad I did. I never want to wonder "what if" with anything, like after he moves or what not. And I'm glad he at least knows how I feel. I won't live with the regret of not letting him know. That's a blessing.
He basically said he still cares about me a lot, and always has so much fun with me, but still feels the same as far as marriage, that it's not right with the two of us. He said all this in many more words and less straight forward, which I thought was nice on his part, because though I wasn't super surprised, and I still feel that way sometimes too (when I'm not wanting to date him again), it was an easier "blow" to hear it the way he said it. But that was the gist.
When we eventually got out to say goodbye, we stood at my car, and hugged for another while, and talked some more, as per our usual. But it was so good. The feeling between us had become much more positive (than when he first realized we had kissed too much and the fun feeling of the night came to a sad end) and I felt so close to him. I made him laugh pretty good, and we joked a bit standing there. We kissed a little bit, but with so much just love and appreciation for each other. A much different feeling than in the car. Yeah, there was definitely too much passion going on there. So this was nice. After a few nice simple kisses, he was like, "okay, that's all I can justify to say thank you." Haha, that made me laugh, I don't know why, I just love him and was happy that he was willing to kiss me again, but end on a good note kiss I guess, as well as joke a little still.
Those were sweet, sweet kisses, our good-bye kisses.
Then I left.
My lips were swollen and my bottom lip was pretty sore, and I had this dumb purple mark on my neck that Andy had noticed as we were talking in the car at the end (which neither of us could believe was even there, he had kissed my neck for mere seconds! We both thought it took a lot longer to make something like that to show up! It was so ridiculous, and I was so incredulous that I had a freaking hickey, I just kept laughing about it! More just out of shock. What?!? Seriously?? You barely kissed me there!! Well, turtle necks and fashion scarves are in right now, right..? Geez...haha. And I know we shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him, that this is kind of a serious thing we did (dang it was enjoyable though, I'd never been kissed on the neck, and it was AMAZING. But I can see why that kind of kissing is supposed to be saved for marriage. Also, because I felt after, you don't want to create those intimate feelings/experiences/memories with someone you aren't going to marry, I want to share that special intimate experience with only who I'm going to be with forever now. That was a good lesson to learn. Learned by mistake, but learned, nonetheless.), but I was completely shocked that I had a hickey! Never in my life did I think I would ever have one of those...
Anyway, there were things about the night I--well, WE--would have both done differently, we had messed up again (you'd think we would have learned after the first time, dang it), but I certainly didn't/don't regret getting together with him. Before the night went a little to far, it had been so fun, so so fun, to be with him and just hang out together, doing whatever. Walking through IKEA, for heavens sakes, and enjoying it. I love him, still, and I told him I really hope we still do things together before he moves. He left today for DC to look for housing with his roommate, Carlos, but I told him we should do something just fun, after he gets back. He agreed, and wants to too.
NEXT DAY (today)
This is the email I sent him this morning, as I was sitting outside the temple. I had been planning on going to the temple today, on my day off, but then after last night I didn't quite feel like I should go in, maybe. So I found a nice spot to sit, amidst the bussel of Temple Square and all the brides and tourists and missionaries and Church employees walking around on their lunch break, to sit and look at the temple and think and ponder and pray about what had happened last night, and Andy, and whether I should go in or not. I eventually concluded that I was not going to go in today. I didn't want to treat temple worship, or worthiness so casually that after breaking a covenant last night, with Andy--even not as seriously as I could have--just going right in the next morning. I felt a lot of regret about it, especially this morning when I woke up, and wanted Heavenly Father to know that I really was sorry, that I had messed up. I didn't feel like I needed to necessarily go talk to the Bishop or anything, but forgoing going into the temple I felt like was necessary that day.
And it was a really neat and nice experience, and very healing, to just sit there in the amazing weather, thinking, praying, and eventually writing a long email to Andy, getting some thoughts out that I'd been having that morning about things.
So here's the email:
Hey.
So I'm sitting outside the temple right now, and I've been thinking about a lot of things, a lot about last night. And I just needed to message you about a couple things.
I woke up this morning feeling worse about last night than I did last night, feeling much more guilty. Maybe that's normal. And it's probably a good thing. But again, I needed to write you. I know we've both said sorry already, but I feel even more accountable and part of the problem. I know you feel like it was all your fault, but this was, and preventing it in the future is, definitely a team effort. I realize that more clearly today I guess, and mostly what I wanted to tell you is that I am so sorry I didn't fully do my part in preventing mistakes and regret last night. I was aware that we probably should be stopping and that we were treading dangerous waters, but I let it keep going. I'm so sorry I didn't help out more in controlling the situation. I feel like I put the responsibility too much on you, and didn't take enough of the responsibility myself, in the moment and after. And I'm really really sorry for that. And yeah, things could have been a lot worse and I know we're both going to be okay, but I feel the same as you, that even if it wasn't in the most serious way I could have, I broke a covenant nonetheless. And I feel really bad about that. I know better. So please don't feel like it was all your fault, it certainly wasn't. Don't place all the blame on yourself. I was weak too. I didn't do what I could have, and I'm so sorry.
So I want you to know that I will be stronger. That if/when we ever do anything again, I promise I will be a better team player (for lack of a better word), and I will help a lot more in keeping things in check, so that nothing happens that we regret. I hate that I didn't do my part enough last night again, and let a really fun night go a little too far. Especially because I'm scared that thinking of me is going to be associated with feelings of regret now. So for even just that reason alone, I hope we can do something after your trip, to not end on that note, please..? :) We are both stronger than this. And I feel like we've learned this lesson sufficiently enough that it really won't happen again.
Anyway, that's all. Thanks for letting me get these thoughts out. You sure mean a lot to me. Hope you're having a good day. :)
Love, Melissa
We've texted some today, which has been good. He thanked me for the email and said he really appreciated it, which meant a lot to me.
He means so much to me, and it scares me to think of him leaving. To think of losing him. Losing a good friend who we have been through so much together and come so far in our relationship.
Day at a time.
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