Back to school--and back to trials too...

So through out the summer, and especially the end of it, I felt like I wasn't having any trials, like my life was just peachy, nothing to complain about. Which kind of scared me, because I felt like it had been a while since I had really gone through a trial, and that that could only go on for so long. I felt like I was due for some trials, and that I was probably in the calm before the storm.

I was right.

I am now in a storm.

We just finished the first week of being back in school, and it was slightly stressful, to say the least. It's been stressful trying to figure out my schedule and get into the classes I wanted, and trying to decide which classes to take and when and which ones to drop, etc.

Then there's True Blue Tuesdays. I don't think I've mentioned this in here yet, but BYUSA has asked me to be the director of this new program they're starting this year called True Blue Tuesdays. It's an all-year responsibility, a weekly thing, kind of a big deal. I thought a lot about it, prayed about it (this was all while I was in Texas this July), talked to Tisah about it, talked to Sally, Mom, and decided to do it. I feel like I was blessed with the means to be able to do it, financially and time-wise, so I feel like I'm supposed to do it, but it's been really stressful this week. And here's why. Well, there's just been a lot to plan, I've been behind on my milestones, and the proposal is due this week and I'm supposed to have every week's plans planned down to small details, and I'm not ready, and our budget is small (1400) and so we are trying to get a lot of donations so we can hand out free stuff throughout the semester...and on top of all this, I was planning on having a lot of help from Tisah because she told me she would take half of the hours if I did it, back when I was thinking about it in Texas, and would talk to her about it on the phone, and she was going to be my co- or assistant director. So I was just expecting her to really be involved with it, almost, if not as much, as I am. But it just hasn't happened.

She has her own busy schedule with grad school and work and family and boys, and I don't know if she even really wants to be that involved anymore. We are kind of in a weird place with our relationship.

So she hasn't really been involved much, and since moving in together--which we couldn't wait to do for SOOO long, ironically enough, I feel like we aren't as close as we used to be. She shares a bedroom with Carrie, her friend from her Mapleton ward she used to be in, and they seem to be good friends, and so when we're at home, I'm not the only one getting her attention, or the only one that is close to her, like I used to be in the summer and when she would come over to my apartment. And I'm not a competitive person at all, so when I feel like there is relationship competition--whether with boys or girls--I just tend to kind of back off and put up walls, without thinking about it, really.

So that's kind of what I've done, plus it's been slightly frustrating to not have her help more with TBTs, when I was planning on having her right by my side on it, and it being more and more stressful this week. She also has been sort of starting to date this boy Dave, and they seem to like each other mutually, so she's into him, which leaves little room for thoughts about others, which I can understand, but doesn't make it easier to be the forgotten, stressed best friend.

I've just felt alone this week, with no one really to understand what I'm dealing with, specifically with TBTs, and with no one to care.

Until Friday. I was at the end of my rope, almost to tears, and I had been praying for help, and I so needed someone to talk to, so badly, just to unload and have someone listen and care, when Emily Williams, now McConkie, texted me on Fri morning and was going to be on campus much of the day. I felt like it was definitely a tender mercy of the Lord that she would be on campus and I would be able to see and talk to her.

So that afternoon I met up with her and ended up unloading my whole week's stress on her and telling her about my Tisah situation and asking what I should do about it. She is an incredible listener and really sincerely cares about everything I say, and helped talk me through it and farther figure things out, and what I was really having a hard time with about Tisah. By the end I kind of figured out that maybe she and I were best friends through some times that we needed to be there for each other through (her break up with Steven, by dating and break up and dating and saying goodbye to Steve), and that maybe it was time to move on. That maybe we were to still be friends, but not necessarily best friends. And that that isn't a bad thing, just a hard adjustment to make, I guess.

But I also feel like she's been acting different around me this past week than usual. She hasn't been as caring about what's going on in my life, been more into boys, more into being showy in a way. I'm hoping that will calm down, that it's just a stage from it being the beginning of a new semester and year, and a new apartment with new roommates and new ward.

But through all this, I couldn't be more grateful for Heavenly Father's hand in my life, with prompting Emily to be on campus on Friday and for texting me that she would be. I know that she was supposed to be there for me, and I am so touched that she was. She means so much to me, she and Thomas are so good to me, some of my very best friends. I sometimes wish she wasn't married and we could be roommates after all. But I love Thomas and they are having a baby boy in November, which is really exciting for them.

But today I fasted for and I've been praying for help with Tisah's and my relationship, and with TBTs, and I know that help with come. I have no doubt in my mind. I'm still slightly stressed about TBTs, but I know everything will work out. I have such a knowledge of God's awareness of me, and even the small details in my life. I know, I KNOW, that He hears my prayers and cares about me and about my worries and stresses. I know that is why He sent Emily to campus on Friday, to be there for me. I have no doubt of that. I had even thought about her as the one I needed to talk to about all this, and then He sent her. It was amazing. I feel like I become more and more aware each day and all the time, of God's hand in my life, in so many ways, and small ways. It's absolutely amazing, and I feel so blessed.

And strangely, I've been missing Steve more than ever (minus when he first left) lately, it's been odd. But I have. He called me last weekend and we talked for a while while I unpacked more of my room, and it was so good. Really good. He's so much better at asking me about me and what I'm doing, which has really impressed me. That was one of the main things I didn't love about him. And neither of us are dating anyone it sounds like, and I can tell he still cares about me, to what extent, I'm not sure, but he mentioned being really glad he could talk to me and hear that I'm doing well. I was really touched by that. And it was so good to talk to him. I miss him. I miss having companionship, and someone that cares about how your day was and what's stressing you out, and having someone to cuddle into and hug. I went on a date with Daniel Smith yesterday, our 5th (the first 4 were before I went to TX), hopefully our last, and we went to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point, and the whole time I was wishing I was there with Steve instead. And I've never wished that while on a date with someone else since he left. I don't know what it means, or if it means anything. I've been told by the Spirit that he isn't the one before, more than once I feel like, but sometimes I wonder if it just wasn't the right time, or if I'm just feeling lonely and that's why I miss him... but if he were to offer to fly me out there to visit one weekend or something, I'm pretty sure I would go right now. So I dunno...but I do miss him.