In the last month, much has happened, naturally. For an update on Tisah and me, our friendship was better after we talked, but then became rocky again, and this time worse. I eventually ended up telling her not to worry about doing TBT anymore, that I could tell it wasn't her thing, and it wasn't enough anymore to do it just for me. It was putting a strain on our relationship. Plus, I didn't want to be in a position to need to ask her or tell her to do things for me for it.
So that was a relief for both of us I think, and it was good, but then things got stressful with TBTs, and I fell into the mindset of being frustrated that she had kind of bailed on me, which wasn't really true, I had let her go of any responsibility for it, and it was a good thing, but I was just stressed. And she never asked about it, which I assumed meant she just didn't care about TBT, which was hard for me b/c TBT has become a major part of my life. It's a lot of what I do now. Ironically, she thought asking me about it and bringing it up would be hard for me, and she didn't want to see the look of disappointment on my face again b/c she wasn't helping, was her mindset. So once again, a lack of communication was a major part of the problem.
So anyway, things were clearly weird between us and we both kind of pretended they weren't, and would have kind of fake, surface level conversations when we were around each other, and we both eventually kind of almost stopped caring about our friendship I think. During all this, when I first thought she just didn't care, I also saw her and Carrie (her room-roommate) becoming better and better friends (or maybe just the absence of Tisah's and my relationship made theirs more apparent), and her friendships with other friends seemed to grow (at least to me), and I felt like since she was obviously fine without me, I needed to be fine without her. So I found other outlets and other people to meet my social and emotional needs. There was a week or so in there though, that I felt so alone, I had no best friend anymore, no one really to talk to, and it was hard. But I relied on the Lord and Heavenly Father a lot, and I decided He needed to be my best friend, since I really had no one else. Though this time was hard, it was a really neat spiritual growing experience for me b/c I felt comforted and like I really didn't need anyone else but the Lord. Kind of like those hard times on the mission when you don't get along with your companion and you feel so alone, and all you can do is pray. So I felt like I had some spiritual epiphanies, for which I am very grateful.
Anyway, eventually Tisah confronted me about the TBT thing, the night we were going door-knocking before our kick-off the next day (this was Mon Oct 11, 2010) and I had told her about it and that Carrie was coming, and she was welcome to come. Her response made me think she didn't want to, so I then just communicated with Carrie the time we would be leaving, etc., and Tisah then thought I didn't want her to go. So she, thankfully, confronted me about it, telling me she was getting mixed vibes from me about helping, like I wanted her help, but then I didn't, when really I just thought she didn't want to come.
That conversation was pretty sad for both of us, and by sad I mean discouraging. I had just assumed she didn't care about us anymore, so I had essentially stopped caring too. Plus I had been praying about us, fasted, about if I should do anything about she and I, and if so, what, and I hadn't felt like I should do anything. I really hadn't had any desire to do anything about us this time. So I didn't.
Our conversation got interupted, or ended short because it was time to go door-knock. The weirdness b/t us was far from being fixed, and I hadn't said things how I wanted to. So late that night I wrote her a note, hoping to help the situation. Something in me now wanted her to know what I had been feeling. Or at least the part of the situation we had talked about.
For a few days nothing improved, it was still really weird between us. And if anything, it got worse. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore, and I asked if I could take her out for ice cream. So that thursday night I had been at the library, so I came home and picked her up and we just talked and drove, and then parked and talked for a while. It was really good to have that time alone with her, something we hadn't had in a long time, and I was able to get pretty much everything out, which I needed to do.
So after that, slowly things have gotten back to nearly how they used to be. I pray that we can continue to become closer and closer again each day, and my prayers are being answered. Our relationship is so much better, and is getting even better all the time, for which I am SO grateful. I don't dread seeing her anymore, or being home with her. I still love her, and we are back to being good friends, which has made everything else in my life increasingly better.
Even though it's been hard for us, to live together, at least until recently, I am grateful that we went through these times, because it's made me a better communicator, I feel like, and it's been good practice for marriage I think.
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