A surprise day with Andy, so good

Sooooo it'll be four weeks tomorrow now since Andy and I broke up.

Sat. 2/1/14 Broke up
Sat. 2/22/14 spent half the day together. Story as follows:

Last Sat., so three weeks after we broke up, he came up and we hung out for half of the day together, and it was so good. So so good.
He had needed to go to a Jewish synagogue for his world religions class, and there happened to be one by my house (did not know this), so as we were texting the night before, he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast with him before the service he had to go to that was at 10 am. I of course said sure, and was pretty excited to see him. A little nervous as well, because I didn't know what to expect. I knew that he still cared about me, as I still cared about him, because he still texted me fairly often. But beyond that, I had no idea what might come of this breakfast date.
When he came and I came out, we hugged, and it was a good hug. We hugged real tight for a good minute or so, it was nice. He told me it was good to see me, and I said the same.
So we went to Saturday's Waffles, which I had been wanting to try out for a while, and it was great. We both loved it, loved the idea, met a very passionate and loyal customer there that should be paid to advertise for them, and had a great experience with it. We ate our waffles in the car, shared both of them, and I told him about our San Fran trip (Wendy, Jamie, and I had just gotten back at the beginning of that week) and showed him the pictures from my camera. Then we went back to my house, he came in for a drink and to use the bathroom, and then I asked if he wanted me to go with him to the Jewish thing. He said that would be fun, but that he hadn't asked me because he didn't want to take up my whole day or what not. So I changed into Sunday clothes real quick and we drove a few blocks to the Jewish synagogue that I've grown up near but never knew what the building was (it's by Tanner Park, which we used to go to all the time as kids).
It was a really interesting and neat experience! We both thoroughly enjoyed it, I loved the Rabbi, who was surprisingly a 30-something (or so) female, who was so friendly, kind, and funny! During the service, we slowly got more comfortable, physically, part way through he put away his books (that were given to us each at the beginning), and shared with me (I thought that was probably so he could have a reason to be closer to me, which I didn't mind.. he put his arm around me at one point, not for super long, but still. And we would joke around, and he kept nudging my leg with his leg in a cute teasing way. So besides experiencing this new cultural experience, I was also evaluating the boy next to me and our relationship and how I feel about him throughout the service. I just never am totally sure how I feel.
We talked to this guy after for a while and asked him a bunch of questions, and then left. As we were walking to the car I was like, "I really like Jewish people." Andy got a kick out of that. And after that he put his arm around me, and I then put mine around his back. Which, by the way, I've always thought is awkward to walk like that with a guy, even if you're dating. I don't know why. I thought the same thing when Steve did that. I don't mind when their arm is around me, but then I feel kind of obligated to put mine around them, and I've just always thought that was awkward.
Anyway, after we got to my house, he parked and we got out and walked to my door to say goodbye, and we hugged and he was like, "I've missed you." That was so sweet and meant so much to me, that he even had, but more so that he was willing to tell me that so honestly. I told him, as we were hugging, that I had missed him too. Eventually we pulled back and I think we put our foreheads together and kind of just looked at each other. I'm pretty sure we were both wanting to kiss, but weren't sure if we should or what not. But as was inevitable at that point (I was pretty certain he wanted to kiss me but was just waiting for the okay from me. I don't know, but that's the impression I got), we did kiss, and it was such a sweet kiss. There was so much sincerity and real love behind it, having both sincerely missed each other and having not seen each other in a while. We kissed for a minute, and then he asked me what I was doing the rest of the day, I told him. And then he mentioned that I probably wouldn't have time for lunch then, or something about lunch, and I hadn't realized he still wanted to go to lunch too (we had talked about it that morning via text, but I forgot, and when we had gotten to my house I asked if he needed to get back to do homework and he said yes, or that he should or something, so I was thinking he was needing to get back). So then I was like, "oh, did you still want to go to lunch?" And he said if I wanted to, or something, so I of course said sure. So we kissed a little bit more, and it was so good, so sweet, so missed by both of us. And then I had to force myself to stop, took a deep breath, and was like k, let's go.
So I went in and changed back into pants and he chatted with my parents for a few minutes, and then we left. We headed to Sugarhouse, not knowing where we would eat, but ended up just going to Jamba, and I offered to pay, since he bought breakfast. Maybe I shouldn't do that..but oh well.
It was fun to just hang out with him, we didn't kiss again until we were saying by later, but we just hung out in Jamba, chatting about whatever, drinking our smoothies, joking around, and looking at facebook pics and a youTube video on my phone.
When we got back to my house, we were saying bye again, and we ended up kissing again, of course. And shortly after we started kissing, Arved showed up in the driveway, walking his dog, Charlie. So we chatted with him for a second, I told him my parents weren't home, and he sat and rested on our bench, and Andy and I went inside. We ended up kissing more, and for a while. Much more and longer than I expected. Than either of us expected to, I think. I had a couple things I was planning on going to that afternoon at 1 and 2, both of which I didn't end up going to because I would rather stay and hang out with Andy.
It was so enjoyable, and at one point I was like, I should go (to my 2 pm thing), but I couldn't make myself get up or make him leave, and eventually we started kissing again and I just gave up on my other plans (a friend in the ward's (Augusto) birthday lunch, woops).

Anyway, a quick summary of what ended up happening. We were kissing, he had carried me from the sun room to the living room couch, which I was impressed with, and I thought it was romantic, and then he laid me on his lap and kissed me more (that is my favorite way to kiss, actually, haha). And I don't want to give too many graphic details because I feel like already this sounds sleezy, but it was very sweet and romantic. But when his neck got tired of kissing me laying on his lap, we switched positions, and he steered me to lay down, and he layed down too (mistake #1). I knew we shouldn't kiss laying down, but we had done it before for a short time, a time or two, and it never lead to anywhere unsafe. But then, for whatever reason, I kind of just got lost in us kissing, and I let a little more of my guard down than usual, I don't know if I was just lazy (probably) or tired of being the one to try to avoid french kissing (we've talked about french kissing more than once, and decided, more than once, not to do it. And then we we kiss a while, it's really hard for him to completely avoid it. I'm not making an excuse, I'm just giving facts.), and I even participated in the french kissing a little (mistake #2), but it was still all sweet I thought, I just really cared about him, we did about each other, and we had missed each other, and it had been three weeks, and I think neither of us were following these little promptings we were getting. Eventually he stopped and said something like, "we need to stop, it's getting too far" or something like that. I agreed, and I thought he just meant before it goes too far.
We got up, he used the bathroom, was in there for a little while, so I started taking some old dished from the table down to the sink and stuff, then he came out, and I said something, and he then basically told me he had gone too far. He seemed kind of in shock. I wasn't sure exactly what he meant, and he was like, "like I need to talk to the Bishop, too far." Whoa. I was surprised at that.
Eventually he told me he had ejaculated.
Oh. Wow.
So then we spent the next while standing there in the kitchen, him thinking, feeling terrible, and me feeling bad for how terrible he was feeling, and me also feeling bad for not following the subtle promptings I had gotten to not lay down, to not use tongue, etc., and realized that I think those promptings were for him, or to protect him. And I learned a valuable lesson.
But we talked about things, I hugged him a lot, encouraged to call his Bishop soon, I felt like that would help him feel better, asked if he could call him on his way home, he said yeah. Good.
I told him everything would be okay. I felt really bad for him though. Because he felt awful. I mean awful.
It was a mistake we made together, I'm glad it wasn't worse, but part of me doesn't regret it. We both certainly learned from it, and it was a real experience that we were able to go through together, and it definitely brought us closer. We got to see additional sides of each other too, that we probably hadn't, and reactions to real life situations, to a hard thing. So again, yes, it was a mistake, and I regret not following the promptings I got, and letting myself go more than usual, but I don't regret the things I/we learned and the experience we got to have together, of repentance and the closeness it brought us.
And he was able to talk to his bishop on his way home, and he was still able to take the sacrament, give his talk the next day, and go to the temple, all things Andy was legitimately worried about. His bishop told him it was at that time that he needed those things most, which I loved when Andy told me that that night. What a wise and encouraging bishop.
So things are okay, I haven't seen him since, but I think about the experience with tender, sacred feelings. And I love him, I love Andy. I don't know if I'm in love with him, but I love him, I really do.

PS. I love my job

I really do. I kind of always dread going, but I almost always love it there. It pretty much always goes by fast, day or night shift, whether it's crazy or not, and I really like the people I work with, nurses and aides both. The other night I was on the low number end, with the aides Jackie and Krystal, and right at the beginning of the shift Jackie passed by me and was so excited to see me, she hugged me when she learned I was just getting there and not just leaving, it totally made my day! And then, not long after that, as I was getting myself together to start caring for my patients, the three of us were at computers in the nursing station and Krystal was like, "I'm so glad you're working tonight, you're one of my favorite nurses to work with!" What?? Holy cow, so nice!! I was so touched and flattered! I told her thank you so much and was like, "Really?? Why?" And she said cuz I was so nice or something. I was so flattered, and THAT totally made my day even more! Oh man. I mean, I just feel like I'm still so new and just hadn't really considered that people like working with me like that, I don't know. I was just so flattered. It meant so much to me and was a huge confidence booster. I was so grateful.

Andy update. No, we're still broken up. I just still miss him. And we still text.:)

So it's been a week and a few days since we broke up, and I still miss him. Still more than I thought I would. I'm not falling apart or missing him to tears, but I do miss him and a lot of things about him. Last night I was at work and I was daydreaming about him coming to visit me and seeing him walking down the hall, and I would have given a lot to see him then. He treated me so well and made me feel so wanted, and I think that is part of what I miss most.
I still wonder if it's him I miss or just being with someone, and I still can't quite answer that question. We didn't text for a few days last week, pretty much the whole second half of the week, and I really missed him, but I wanted him to text me. Then by Sunday I still hadn't heard from him and I was wondering if he missed me too. But then my prayers were answered and he texted me Sunday night. I was so glad, I needed that right then!
Since then we've been texting intermittently, and it's so fun. It's so fun/nice to have someone who cares about me and what's going on and keeping tabs on me. Is that what I like? Or do I like him? I don't know, this is what I don't know.
We've been texting tonight, and it's been fun. He's so great and fun to text with. He's been studying with Joel, and then Joel and I were texting too, love that kid. And sidenote, he is probably getting married this summer, I'm so excited for him!
So yeah..I don't know how to feel about Andy or what to do or what will happen. We text and obviously care about each other enough still, I feel like we will do something again in the future. Whether we will date again, I don't know, but I wouldn't be super surprised, honestly. So much of the time since we broke up I want to be with  him so bad. And I really want to see him again and do something. And I feel like he probably does too..? I don't know.
I just pray every day to know how I should feel about him. I try to picture us married and with kids and in different situation if we were to get married, and sometimes it's easier than others. I think we could have a really good marriage, I know he would treat me really well and I'd always be taken care of. But what I still don't know is if, after the honeymoon stage, would I still love being with him. If we are totally poor or one of us has cancer, would I still be so happy just to be with him and spend time together. Would I just enjoy him, anytime and always and in any situation? I don't know. One reason I really like being with him is the romantic side of him. He's very touchy, which I love. I'm the same way and I really want, maybe need that. I love that. He really likes (or liked, I guess I should say) being close to me and touching me (appropriately, of course), and I always loved that.
I don't know.. anyway.
I need to go to bed, I've got to work again in the morning. I worked last night and then had that mock code training after for a couple hours, which put me at about 15 hours at work last night/today, and then I came home and slept for about five hours, and now I need to go back to bed so I can work again tomorrow. But then we leave the next day for San Francisco!! Jamie, Wendy and me, and I'm so excited!!!!

Two days after..and Kory vs. Andy

I still miss Andy. I miss him and have been thinking about him much more than I thought I would. I'm surprising myself.
I have been praying to meet someone that I am a better fit with or click with more, kind of to, well, for one, help me not miss Andy so much; but to also help me see how there could be someone better for me, that I could like even more. Personality-wise.

So today I get a text from Kory Fleming, who lives in our ward but has never actually come to our ward because he has had a big calling in his ward that he moved from, and just kept going to his ward (still in our stake, I think? maybe not.), but his roommates are in our ward, and so he shows up to things every now and then. So today he texted me and said, "Surprise text! What's going on for fhe tonight?"

So he shows up tonight, and I had gotten there late and was just standing by the doorway in the gym of the Gregson building, chatting with the Whites, and he walks in. I was excited to see him. I always like being around Kory, we get along really well, I feel like we have compatible personalities, and senses of humor. One thing I love about him is he thinks I'm funny, in the way that I really want my husband to.

We ended up chatting pretty much the whole time, while watching the ward Olympics being played. And it wasn't like he was so into me he couldn't stop talking to me, he's never like that (of course not), but we always get along really well and are able to talk really easily. He is in a situation right now that I have basically been in, with trying to decide and figure out what to do with his life and what medical career path to choose, his choices being between PA and med school. I briefly told him how I'd basically been there, trying to decide between PA and nursing school, and what happened and how I'd ended up as a nurse. He was totally surprised and said he didn't know I had thought about PA school before, and then in a very interested tone asked what I was doing now, was I in school, etc..? I told him, and he said something like, "why have you never told me about your whole life??" And I was like, "well, you've never asked!" And he was like, "...well..that's because you're always asking me..!" And in my head I was like, Yeah, hello, I've noticed. You rarely ask me about me. But I was like, "Well, whose fault is that..?" all in good fun, of course.

So we kept chatting and I felt like him knowing more about my background and that I went the PA route for a little bit, and what I'm doing now somehow caught his interest a little more than it has before, because throughout the rest of the evening, or next hour or so, as we chatted, and as Jamie came over and chatted with us, every now and then we'd be talking about something, like basketball, and he'd ask me if I like that. Or sushi, "do you like sushi?" The hopeful Melissa thought it seemed like he might be asking me those things to get to know me better, or to ask me on a date in the future. But it's certainly never happened before, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

But after we all left the church (and it seemed like he didn't want to leave or part with us), I was thinking a lot about him, I just really like the guy, I feel like we have very compatible personalities and standards, I like a lot of things about him. He is a great guy. And I texted him about something we had been talking about (how he thinks all women would like to date Nick Anderson, his friend and used-to-be-roommate), and we joked back and forth a little via text (until I said something I later realized was dumb, ha. Oh, well), and I would love to go out with him or spend more time with him.

But then I got home (hung out at JW's for a while) and started thinking about Andy again, and began missing him again. I felt like it was a blessing seeing Kory tonight, because I feel like he is evidence that there are guys with personalities that I click with better than Andy, but at the same time, I miss feeling wanted. Andy made me feel so wanted, right from the start, and anytime I was with him especially. And I miss that so much. I've known Kory for almost a year now and he's never done anything. Whenever we chat I feel like we click so well and that it would be fun to spend more time together, and it seems like he has a good time too and likes talking to me, but then nothing more. Ever. But Andy makes me feel so loved/liked and wanted. Can I just get a balance?

I miss Andy. He's so great, I really love him. So much. And Kory didn't smell anywhere near as good as Andy does. Mm.

Andy: it has come to an end

So Andy and I broke up yesterday, and it was the best breakup I could have asked for, partly because it was mutual, but it's been kind of hard last night and today, I have been thinking about him a ton, and really miss him. More than I expected.

So here's the last week and a half of Andy, leading up to our break up that happened yesterday:

(Today is Sunday)
Thurs of last week, in fact, the same day as when I last posted on here, with that email I sent to Liz about Andy, I went down to Provo again (had gone down the night before to Andy's catered school program (ISIS) dinner), and on Thurs I picked up dinner on the way down (at Big Apple Pizzeria up here on 33rd, I had a coupon:), took it down, found him in his ISIS lounge studying, and we ate dinner, kissed some, and then both did some studying. I had an upcoming test on Basic EKG stuff for work, I was in a class to get certified.
Then we went to his married friends' apt there in Provo and chatted, played some games, watched youTube videos, had a pretty good time. Then we left, I drove (not my favorite part of the night) him back to his car on campus, and we said goodbye. At that point I was really tired and just wasn't really feeling it with him. It was a fun enough night, but as I drove home it became very clear to me that he wasn't the one, that it wasn't right. For sure. And I was slightly relieved, just to not have to wonder and keep going back and forth about how I felt about him, but at the same time I was also sad to realize it wasn't right, because I knew I would miss the friendship. I got slightly teary-eyed on the way home with this realization.

The next day, Friday, I went through lots of emotions about him. Started out the day sad, mom even called me in response to my text of (she had asked about the night before) "It was fine, but I think I know he's not the one" to hear more about it, and I became a little emotional on the phone about it. And this whole time, I was not expecting to be sad like this about it.
But then later in the day I was feeling fine, and even second-guessing myself. Feeling like maybe I didn't need to end things.
That night (still Fri) was the Lady A concert with Jamie, her mom and Kaylee, and I was not able to be my total self. I think largely because I was in that two-day rut that sometimes happens to me a week or so before I start my period, where I am emotionally off and things bug me that normally shouldn't. But also, the Andy thing was greatly on my mind and I didn't know how to feel about it now, but still felt like I probably needed to end things.

Then I worked three nights in a row over the weekend (Sat, Sun, Mon nights) and was pretty much only focused on work and sleep for those three days and nights. Andy didn't text me as much as normal over the weekend, which I thought was maybe a sign that he was maybe feeling the same thing as me, which I felt really encouraged about. But then I thought maybe it was because he knew I was working so much and can't really text that much during work, not to mention the hours I was awake were not when he was awake, ha.

Then over the first few days of last week we still didn't text that much, which was totally fine with me. Made me think that yeah, maybe he was feeling the same way (at this point I was back to feeling like I was probably needing to end it the next time I saw him, and felt okay about it, but didn't want to make the trip down to Provo, b/c technically it was his turn to come up, and I just didn't want to drive down there, I didn't like him enough to want to anymore). I started praying for what to do, what to say, to know when I should talk to him, and how, what to say, and that he was feeling the same way.

Then on maybe Wed and Thurs he started texting me more again, like it had been. Just asking how my day was, and it was so fun! I loved our text conversations we had over the few days before we broke up, we have a fun friendship. And they made me 1) realize even more that I would really miss him, miss the friendship; and 2) that maybe he wasn't feeling the same way after all. Dang.

Then I was over at Camille's house Thurs night and by now I was back to feeling like maybe he was feeling the same way as me, and was glad about that, and by now had decided that this conversation needed to happen Sat. night. I didn't have any plans, and I needed to not drag this out. So at Camille's (I was there to sleep over, and so she could dye my hair) we were texting a bunch that night (and had been that day), just about my job, and my crazy sleep schedule, his sleepiness, his trying to eat healthy..that was in the day time. Then in the evening, at Camille's, out of the blue, he asked if I'd been having a good day. Shoot, maybe he's not feeling the same way. But I still really like him as a friend, so of course I answer, and then asked about his day, we text about that, his school, how much studying he needs to do that night, etc. He had to take a short test in the testing center, which he texted me about right before going to take it, and a while later, I couldn't help but text him and ask how it went. I really care about him and how things are going.
Eventually, late that night (at almost 11 pm), he asked me if I had any weekend plans this weekend on my week off (I'm in a period of 8 days off work right now, ha. Totally unplanned.). So then I was like shoot, he ISN'T feeling the same way. I had been praying for when to talk to him and for the chance to, and I felt like this was it. This was when the rubber met the road. I had to decide what to say. So eventually I said that Fri I had this RS sleepover I was basically in charge of, but that I didn't really have any plans Sat. And I tried not to sound super eager to doing anything, I was trying to give him hints. So then he asked if I wanted to do lunch or something on Sat. OH! Maybe he IS feeling the same way! Just wants to do lunch? Normally we would do something at night on the weekends and make a whole night of it, since the distance thing. But just wanting to do lunch, that seemed so much more casual and short, so then I was feeling very confident that he did feel the same way, and that this would be a mutual breakup, and I was suddenly very relieved and excited about life.
So we planned it for noon, after the sleepover was over, and I continued to feel very confident about our mutual feelings, and wanted to say something about needing to talk, prior to seeing him on Sat, so as to relieve any anxiety he was likely having, not knowing how I was feeling. So I planned to do that either Fri or Sat morning in any inevitable texting we would be doing.

So then Friday he texted me in the early evening, asking how my Friday was going. I was really glad to get his text. I really value our friendship and how much he seems to care how I'm doing and how my day is.
INSERT: mini journal entry about that day--I spent part of the morning still at Camille's, hanging out with the kids, then came home, slept for almost an hour (so tired, I had stayed up the night before at Camille's texting Jamie, Andy, and starting the first book in the Michael Vey series), met Wendy for lunch at work (the cafeteria at the Church Office Building, she is Elder Nelson's secretary, yeah, so cool), then played bball with Jamie for a bit at the Gregson building (she gave me a private coaching lesson, haha), then just was getting ready for the sleepover and eating dinner.

So Andy and I texted some that evening (Fri), then some more in the morning during our breakfast post-sleepover (which, by the way, all went so well! It was the last activity I was really in charge of--we were released a couple weeks ago--and it was a lot of fun!), and I was totally going to include in my texts something like, "And I think we should talk about us today, what do you think?" and I even wrote it out to send, but then I chickened out and decided not to send it, in fear of him really not feeling the same way, and deciding just to see how things wend at lunch. Partly because I had asked him if he was on a schedule or if we could move lunch back to 1, because we had a ward bball game at 11 that I kind of wanted to play in, but that I wasn't set on it, so no worries if we needed to do it at noon still. To which he said he's just doing homework all day, so he was flexible, so that was fine! I was glad, but then I was thinking, oh, he's doing homework all day, maybe THAT'S why he just wanted to do lunch, not because he is feeling the same way.. So at that point I totally lost all my confidence that this was going to be a mutual thing, and now had no idea what our lunch date would bring. I didn't even know if I was going to bring things up or end it.... Stressful. But with Wendy's advice and encouragement, I just decided to see how things went and not worry.

So lunch. He came and got me, smelled really great, we hugged upon seeing each other, but no kiss. And I felt like that was because I didn't welcome it, but looking back, it was probably mutual, ha. We held hands on the way to the car and in and out of the restaurant, and had really great conversation during and after lunch. We just chatted and chatted, about his schooling, my work, and his future plans with his new job, what he was going to do this summer in between school and job, etc. We stayed there at Zupas (we've definitely been there a few times together, pretty much my favorite place to eat) for quite a while after eating, just comfortably chatting. And I felt pretty okay about if things went either way. I just felt like we were good, comfortable friends.

So he brought me home and I thought he was just going to drop me off because he needed to get back to do homework, which was totally fine. But he parked behind Dad's blue car, so then I was like, oh, maybe he wants to come in and hang out. That's fine.. But we sat there in the car for a while and just chatted some more, about the funny and gross things about my job (I had a rectal tube experience I had mentioned earlier in the week, which is why he brought it up again yesterday, and I obliged to give him more details, haha. It was pretty funny to see him squirm about something I'm so desensitized to, haha.), and whatever else. Then we eventually came to a lull in the conversation, so I said, "Well, what do you want to do..? Or you probably need to get back to " And he said, "Yeah, I do... but I need to have a conversation with you, that I really don't want to have." or something like that. And I immediately knew he WAS feeling that way, and that this would be mutual, and I was suddenly so excited again, mostly to eliminate his obvious anxiety over this issue. So as soon as he said that, or maybe right after, I said something like, "I've been hoping you wanted to talk about this, talk to me" in a pretty enthusiastic way. I was excited, because he clearly had no idea I was feeling the same way.

So he kept going. "I really value our friendship, but I've been praying about it, and I know it's not right." And I couldn't wait to say it, and I put my hand on his arm and said, "me too!" And he looked up and at me and said, "really?" "Yeah." And he looked forward, and seemed kind of in shock, and said, "That is...awesome!" He was so relieved, and I was too, frankly. I had totally lost the determination and courage to bring anything up, and was probably just going to keep going like we had been. So I was super glad he had the courage to bring it up, and that he was feeling the way I had been too.

So we talked about it for a little bit there in the car, and one of the coolest things was finding out that we both knew at about the same time. I asked him when he knew and he said it was actually the night we hung out with his friends, and even as I drove away, he knew. And I was like, "me too!" I told him that was the night I knew too. Pretty crazy, but not a coincidence, I feel like. And like he said, a huge tender mercy.

So after talking about when we both knew, and how we both valued our friendship and didn't want to lose that, I told him that I had come to love him as a person and a friend, how we would miss each other, and told each other how great we thought the other is, we were like, "Well, alright.":) And he walked me to the door, and we hugged really tight and so good. That was such a sweet, sweet hug. So much feeling was in that hug. And then I pulled back and we said a few more things, and then, like I was hoping, we kissed. And it was such a sweet kiss too, so much mutual love, is what I felt like it was full of. We kissed there for a bit, with chatting in between, but at that point mostly kissing. Our sun room blinds were open, and I had no idea if my parents were in there or not, so I had us move a few steps in front of Diane's porch more, then saw her blinds were open too. Dang. But I didn't know where else to go, and decided I didn't care.

After a little while, and thankfully at this point we were just chatting, Diane and Sky (her dog) came out, haha...awkward. Andy and I let go of each other, I said hi, we petted the dog, asked Diane how she was doing, she asked me...still awkward..then we went and sat on our bench by our door and kept chatting. It was pretty cold outside though and Andy wasn't wearing a coat, and the bench was slightly wet (it had snowed earlier), so I suggested we go inside. So we went in and sat in the sun room and kept talking. Then he decided he should go and we got his water bottle filled up and some snacks to take in the car to stay awake (even though it was daytime..I guess he was just tired still? Not sure.), and then we went to the door, chatted and kissed some more, eventually one of my parents came back into the kitchen (a little too close by for comfort..haha) so he was really gonna go, so I said I would walk him to his car. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, and we stood out there (by now I don't have a coat on either) for probably an hour and a half or more, talking and kissing, but more talking, trying to say goodbye, but neither of us wanting to.

We both were having a hard time letting go, and we were talking about some really great things, just being totally open and honest and comfortable. Throughout the afternoon since we broke up, we both had gotten teary-eyed every now and then, which I wasn't planning on, it kind of took me by surprise that I was. And I was very touched to see Andy get a little emotional.
So overall, after we broke up, I think we said good bye for about 2 or 3 hours, ha. Best break up ever. Kind of ironic. But it was so sweet, and like I said, we had some really great, open conversation, that definitely brought us way closer than we've ever been. For example, we talked about finances and student debt, and how much debt I am currently in came out. He didn't ask, but I knew he was curious, and I was willing to tell him--which is currently about $41,000. I think he was pretty surprised, ha, but understandably so. But none of it is credit card debt, and I have a plan to pay it all off in 2 -3 years, at the most. He was at least impressed with that goal, which made me feel better.
Also the topic of pornography addiction came up, as far as trying to find a guy without that problem, and he told me that he was addicted from age 12 to 16. Wow. That was a huge shock.
And I was totally shocked that he was willing to tell me about it, and also flattered that he trusted me with that information. My respect for him also went way up, especially after he told me (when I asked him how he got over it) that he basically just decided never to do it again, and didn't. And now it's been over ten years and it's not a part of who he is at all anymore. And how he hates it when girls are taught that they should ask, when dating seriously, if the guy has ever had a problem with pornography. Because it's not a part of who he is anymore, and he doesn't want to dig up the past. That gave me a totally different perspective on the issue and some things to think about. I think he's amazing.

Which is partly why this is so hard for me now. I just kind of broke down, and kind of mourned him openly, by myself, for the first time. I really don't know if I'll ever find someone as good as him. He is such a good person, with such high standards and morals, especially media standards, which is a huge deal to me. He treats me so well, and always would, I know that. He would always take care of me, in the good and bad times, and of our family if we had kids. And I think we would have a good marriage because we'd both be in it for the long haul. We both have those priorities and would be willing to put in the work to keep a good marriage. I'm very confident of that.

The only things that still kind of hold me back is just those personality differences that I've always kind of been hung up on. I feel like we don't totally have the same sense of humor; although the more time goes on, the more I feel like maybe we have more similar sense of humor than I thought.

And he still is kind of dorky at times, in a way that I find not endearing. Ha. But that's the thing too, that since yesterday, thinking back on his dorkiness, and even looking through his facebook pictures again tonight (b/c I was missing him so much), little things that used to bug me don't so much, and I feel slightly more physically attracted to him as well.

So I don't know if I'm feeling all this because we just broke up and that's just hard, or if that was for a purpose, to essentially bring us closer and more comfortable and open with each other, thereby bringing us closer, making me more attracted to him, and that we're supposed to get back together in the future..? I don't know. I have no idea. But the idea kind of makes me excited right now. But I don't know. Then the other part of me feels like no, this was it, maybe I'll see him in the future, but he is still not the one.

So I have no idea. But man, right now I miss him, and I am definitely struggling tonight, right now.

We still texted even last night, and some more today--this morning and evening. Which I'm so glad about. It would be even harder if we didn't.

So we'll see. This is harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be like our dates. Hard to say goodbye, but then I was always fine and didn't miss him too much between dates. But I miss him and have thought about him a lot more than I thought I would.

Andy update, via email to Liz Stitt

This was my email back to her today, in response to her telling me more details as to why things ended with the guy she was dating (also met on Tinder, haha), and her enquiring about Andy and what are the top 5 things that attract me to him.

Hm. That seems weird. I'm so sorry he wasn't willing the try more and that things didn't work out. I really thought something might with him. He sounds great, but he must not be that great if he's not still dating the Liz Stitt. His loss. So sorry. How are you doing with it now?

Andy..he is a really great guy, he has great media morals, likes rock climbing and has taken me a couple times, he's smart, driven, is very spiritually sound, treats me really well, and smells awesome. There's seven. :) He is a really great person. And things are going fine. Still just not sure what will happen or for how  long we will date. I'm really comfortable with him, and like I said, he treats me really well, I just feel like that spark is not quite there for me as much as I sometimes wish it was. I think just personality differences. But we keep dating because I don't feel like it needs to end or anything yet, and I kind of hope it comes. We'll see. 

My job

Today was day 2 of 3 in a row at work for me, and it was a crazy day! As most are. I didn't get a lunch (clocked out for a half hour though, just to save the hassle, ha), and I was there for more than 13 hours, like most days, but it was actually a really good day! It went by way fast (as usual), I really liked who else was working (specifically Colleen was one of my aides, and Erin was charging, and Jules was training to charge, and Mikyla was there, we've become friends), I put in an IV by myself, no one watching, for the 2nd time ever (so excited! on my sweet (sometimes) old lady, Margaret, who had such huge popping veins in her hand I didn't even use a turniquet), but in a dobbhoff tube (with Jules' help), and just learned a lot. I liked my patients, they liked me for the most part, it was sunny outside, it was a holiday so I got to park in the visitor parking.. It was a good day, I really like my job and am so grateful for it!