Sat. 2/1/14 Broke up
Sat. 2/22/14 spent half the day together. Story as follows:
Last Sat., so three weeks after we broke up, he came up and we hung out for half of the day together, and it was so good. So so good.
He had needed to go to a Jewish synagogue for his world religions class, and there happened to be one by my house (did not know this), so as we were texting the night before, he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast with him before the service he had to go to that was at 10 am. I of course said sure, and was pretty excited to see him. A little nervous as well, because I didn't know what to expect. I knew that he still cared about me, as I still cared about him, because he still texted me fairly often. But beyond that, I had no idea what might come of this breakfast date.
When he came and I came out, we hugged, and it was a good hug. We hugged real tight for a good minute or so, it was nice. He told me it was good to see me, and I said the same.
So we went to Saturday's Waffles, which I had been wanting to try out for a while, and it was great. We both loved it, loved the idea, met a very passionate and loyal customer there that should be paid to advertise for them, and had a great experience with it. We ate our waffles in the car, shared both of them, and I told him about our San Fran trip (Wendy, Jamie, and I had just gotten back at the beginning of that week) and showed him the pictures from my camera. Then we went back to my house, he came in for a drink and to use the bathroom, and then I asked if he wanted me to go with him to the Jewish thing. He said that would be fun, but that he hadn't asked me because he didn't want to take up my whole day or what not. So I changed into Sunday clothes real quick and we drove a few blocks to the Jewish synagogue that I've grown up near but never knew what the building was (it's by Tanner Park, which we used to go to all the time as kids).
It was a really interesting and neat experience! We both thoroughly enjoyed it, I loved the Rabbi, who was surprisingly a 30-something (or so) female, who was so friendly, kind, and funny! During the service, we slowly got more comfortable, physically, part way through he put away his books (that were given to us each at the beginning), and shared with me (I thought that was probably so he could have a reason to be closer to me, which I didn't mind.. he put his arm around me at one point, not for super long, but still. And we would joke around, and he kept nudging my leg with his leg in a cute teasing way. So besides experiencing this new cultural experience, I was also evaluating the boy next to me and our relationship and how I feel about him throughout the service. I just never am totally sure how I feel.
We talked to this guy after for a while and asked him a bunch of questions, and then left. As we were walking to the car I was like, "I really like Jewish people." Andy got a kick out of that. And after that he put his arm around me, and I then put mine around his back. Which, by the way, I've always thought is awkward to walk like that with a guy, even if you're dating. I don't know why. I thought the same thing when Steve did that. I don't mind when their arm is around me, but then I feel kind of obligated to put mine around them, and I've just always thought that was awkward.
Anyway, after we got to my house, he parked and we got out and walked to my door to say goodbye, and we hugged and he was like, "I've missed you." That was so sweet and meant so much to me, that he even had, but more so that he was willing to tell me that so honestly. I told him, as we were hugging, that I had missed him too. Eventually we pulled back and I think we put our foreheads together and kind of just looked at each other. I'm pretty sure we were both wanting to kiss, but weren't sure if we should or what not. But as was inevitable at that point (I was pretty certain he wanted to kiss me but was just waiting for the okay from me. I don't know, but that's the impression I got), we did kiss, and it was such a sweet kiss. There was so much sincerity and real love behind it, having both sincerely missed each other and having not seen each other in a while. We kissed for a minute, and then he asked me what I was doing the rest of the day, I told him. And then he mentioned that I probably wouldn't have time for lunch then, or something about lunch, and I hadn't realized he still wanted to go to lunch too (we had talked about it that morning via text, but I forgot, and when we had gotten to my house I asked if he needed to get back to do homework and he said yes, or that he should or something, so I was thinking he was needing to get back). So then I was like, "oh, did you still want to go to lunch?" And he said if I wanted to, or something, so I of course said sure. So we kissed a little bit more, and it was so good, so sweet, so missed by both of us. And then I had to force myself to stop, took a deep breath, and was like k, let's go.
So I went in and changed back into pants and he chatted with my parents for a few minutes, and then we left. We headed to Sugarhouse, not knowing where we would eat, but ended up just going to Jamba, and I offered to pay, since he bought breakfast. Maybe I shouldn't do that..but oh well.
It was fun to just hang out with him, we didn't kiss again until we were saying by later, but we just hung out in Jamba, chatting about whatever, drinking our smoothies, joking around, and looking at facebook pics and a youTube video on my phone.
When we got back to my house, we were saying bye again, and we ended up kissing again, of course. And shortly after we started kissing, Arved showed up in the driveway, walking his dog, Charlie. So we chatted with him for a second, I told him my parents weren't home, and he sat and rested on our bench, and Andy and I went inside. We ended up kissing more, and for a while. Much more and longer than I expected. Than either of us expected to, I think. I had a couple things I was planning on going to that afternoon at 1 and 2, both of which I didn't end up going to because I would rather stay and hang out with Andy.
It was so enjoyable, and at one point I was like, I should go (to my 2 pm thing), but I couldn't make myself get up or make him leave, and eventually we started kissing again and I just gave up on my other plans (a friend in the ward's (Augusto) birthday lunch, woops).
Anyway, a quick summary of what ended up happening. We were kissing, he had carried me from the sun room to the living room couch, which I was impressed with, and I thought it was romantic, and then he laid me on his lap and kissed me more (that is my favorite way to kiss, actually, haha). And I don't want to give too many graphic details because I feel like already this sounds sleezy, but it was very sweet and romantic. But when his neck got tired of kissing me laying on his lap, we switched positions, and he steered me to lay down, and he layed down too (mistake #1). I knew we shouldn't kiss laying down, but we had done it before for a short time, a time or two, and it never lead to anywhere unsafe. But then, for whatever reason, I kind of just got lost in us kissing, and I let a little more of my guard down than usual, I don't know if I was just lazy (probably) or tired of being the one to try to avoid french kissing (we've talked about french kissing more than once, and decided, more than once, not to do it. And then we we kiss a while, it's really hard for him to completely avoid it. I'm not making an excuse, I'm just giving facts.), and I even participated in the french kissing a little (mistake #2), but it was still all sweet I thought, I just really cared about him, we did about each other, and we had missed each other, and it had been three weeks, and I think neither of us were following these little promptings we were getting. Eventually he stopped and said something like, "we need to stop, it's getting too far" or something like that. I agreed, and I thought he just meant before it goes too far.
We got up, he used the bathroom, was in there for a little while, so I started taking some old dished from the table down to the sink and stuff, then he came out, and I said something, and he then basically told me he had gone too far. He seemed kind of in shock. I wasn't sure exactly what he meant, and he was like, "like I need to talk to the Bishop, too far." Whoa. I was surprised at that.
Eventually he told me he had ejaculated.
Oh. Wow.
So then we spent the next while standing there in the kitchen, him thinking, feeling terrible, and me feeling bad for how terrible he was feeling, and me also feeling bad for not following the subtle promptings I had gotten to not lay down, to not use tongue, etc., and realized that I think those promptings were for him, or to protect him. And I learned a valuable lesson.
But we talked about things, I hugged him a lot, encouraged to call his Bishop soon, I felt like that would help him feel better, asked if he could call him on his way home, he said yeah. Good.
I told him everything would be okay. I felt really bad for him though. Because he felt awful. I mean awful.
It was a mistake we made together, I'm glad it wasn't worse, but part of me doesn't regret it. We both certainly learned from it, and it was a real experience that we were able to go through together, and it definitely brought us closer. We got to see additional sides of each other too, that we probably hadn't, and reactions to real life situations, to a hard thing. So again, yes, it was a mistake, and I regret not following the promptings I got, and letting myself go more than usual, but I don't regret the things I/we learned and the experience we got to have together, of repentance and the closeness it brought us.
And he was able to talk to his bishop on his way home, and he was still able to take the sacrament, give his talk the next day, and go to the temple, all things Andy was legitimately worried about. His bishop told him it was at that time that he needed those things most, which I loved when Andy told me that that night. What a wise and encouraging bishop.
So things are okay, I haven't seen him since, but I think about the experience with tender, sacred feelings. And I love him, I love Andy. I don't know if I'm in love with him, but I love him, I really do.
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