Andy: it has come to an end

So Andy and I broke up yesterday, and it was the best breakup I could have asked for, partly because it was mutual, but it's been kind of hard last night and today, I have been thinking about him a ton, and really miss him. More than I expected.

So here's the last week and a half of Andy, leading up to our break up that happened yesterday:

(Today is Sunday)
Thurs of last week, in fact, the same day as when I last posted on here, with that email I sent to Liz about Andy, I went down to Provo again (had gone down the night before to Andy's catered school program (ISIS) dinner), and on Thurs I picked up dinner on the way down (at Big Apple Pizzeria up here on 33rd, I had a coupon:), took it down, found him in his ISIS lounge studying, and we ate dinner, kissed some, and then both did some studying. I had an upcoming test on Basic EKG stuff for work, I was in a class to get certified.
Then we went to his married friends' apt there in Provo and chatted, played some games, watched youTube videos, had a pretty good time. Then we left, I drove (not my favorite part of the night) him back to his car on campus, and we said goodbye. At that point I was really tired and just wasn't really feeling it with him. It was a fun enough night, but as I drove home it became very clear to me that he wasn't the one, that it wasn't right. For sure. And I was slightly relieved, just to not have to wonder and keep going back and forth about how I felt about him, but at the same time I was also sad to realize it wasn't right, because I knew I would miss the friendship. I got slightly teary-eyed on the way home with this realization.

The next day, Friday, I went through lots of emotions about him. Started out the day sad, mom even called me in response to my text of (she had asked about the night before) "It was fine, but I think I know he's not the one" to hear more about it, and I became a little emotional on the phone about it. And this whole time, I was not expecting to be sad like this about it.
But then later in the day I was feeling fine, and even second-guessing myself. Feeling like maybe I didn't need to end things.
That night (still Fri) was the Lady A concert with Jamie, her mom and Kaylee, and I was not able to be my total self. I think largely because I was in that two-day rut that sometimes happens to me a week or so before I start my period, where I am emotionally off and things bug me that normally shouldn't. But also, the Andy thing was greatly on my mind and I didn't know how to feel about it now, but still felt like I probably needed to end things.

Then I worked three nights in a row over the weekend (Sat, Sun, Mon nights) and was pretty much only focused on work and sleep for those three days and nights. Andy didn't text me as much as normal over the weekend, which I thought was maybe a sign that he was maybe feeling the same thing as me, which I felt really encouraged about. But then I thought maybe it was because he knew I was working so much and can't really text that much during work, not to mention the hours I was awake were not when he was awake, ha.

Then over the first few days of last week we still didn't text that much, which was totally fine with me. Made me think that yeah, maybe he was feeling the same way (at this point I was back to feeling like I was probably needing to end it the next time I saw him, and felt okay about it, but didn't want to make the trip down to Provo, b/c technically it was his turn to come up, and I just didn't want to drive down there, I didn't like him enough to want to anymore). I started praying for what to do, what to say, to know when I should talk to him, and how, what to say, and that he was feeling the same way.

Then on maybe Wed and Thurs he started texting me more again, like it had been. Just asking how my day was, and it was so fun! I loved our text conversations we had over the few days before we broke up, we have a fun friendship. And they made me 1) realize even more that I would really miss him, miss the friendship; and 2) that maybe he wasn't feeling the same way after all. Dang.

Then I was over at Camille's house Thurs night and by now I was back to feeling like maybe he was feeling the same way as me, and was glad about that, and by now had decided that this conversation needed to happen Sat. night. I didn't have any plans, and I needed to not drag this out. So at Camille's (I was there to sleep over, and so she could dye my hair) we were texting a bunch that night (and had been that day), just about my job, and my crazy sleep schedule, his sleepiness, his trying to eat healthy..that was in the day time. Then in the evening, at Camille's, out of the blue, he asked if I'd been having a good day. Shoot, maybe he's not feeling the same way. But I still really like him as a friend, so of course I answer, and then asked about his day, we text about that, his school, how much studying he needs to do that night, etc. He had to take a short test in the testing center, which he texted me about right before going to take it, and a while later, I couldn't help but text him and ask how it went. I really care about him and how things are going.
Eventually, late that night (at almost 11 pm), he asked me if I had any weekend plans this weekend on my week off (I'm in a period of 8 days off work right now, ha. Totally unplanned.). So then I was like shoot, he ISN'T feeling the same way. I had been praying for when to talk to him and for the chance to, and I felt like this was it. This was when the rubber met the road. I had to decide what to say. So eventually I said that Fri I had this RS sleepover I was basically in charge of, but that I didn't really have any plans Sat. And I tried not to sound super eager to doing anything, I was trying to give him hints. So then he asked if I wanted to do lunch or something on Sat. OH! Maybe he IS feeling the same way! Just wants to do lunch? Normally we would do something at night on the weekends and make a whole night of it, since the distance thing. But just wanting to do lunch, that seemed so much more casual and short, so then I was feeling very confident that he did feel the same way, and that this would be a mutual breakup, and I was suddenly very relieved and excited about life.
So we planned it for noon, after the sleepover was over, and I continued to feel very confident about our mutual feelings, and wanted to say something about needing to talk, prior to seeing him on Sat, so as to relieve any anxiety he was likely having, not knowing how I was feeling. So I planned to do that either Fri or Sat morning in any inevitable texting we would be doing.

So then Friday he texted me in the early evening, asking how my Friday was going. I was really glad to get his text. I really value our friendship and how much he seems to care how I'm doing and how my day is.
INSERT: mini journal entry about that day--I spent part of the morning still at Camille's, hanging out with the kids, then came home, slept for almost an hour (so tired, I had stayed up the night before at Camille's texting Jamie, Andy, and starting the first book in the Michael Vey series), met Wendy for lunch at work (the cafeteria at the Church Office Building, she is Elder Nelson's secretary, yeah, so cool), then played bball with Jamie for a bit at the Gregson building (she gave me a private coaching lesson, haha), then just was getting ready for the sleepover and eating dinner.

So Andy and I texted some that evening (Fri), then some more in the morning during our breakfast post-sleepover (which, by the way, all went so well! It was the last activity I was really in charge of--we were released a couple weeks ago--and it was a lot of fun!), and I was totally going to include in my texts something like, "And I think we should talk about us today, what do you think?" and I even wrote it out to send, but then I chickened out and decided not to send it, in fear of him really not feeling the same way, and deciding just to see how things wend at lunch. Partly because I had asked him if he was on a schedule or if we could move lunch back to 1, because we had a ward bball game at 11 that I kind of wanted to play in, but that I wasn't set on it, so no worries if we needed to do it at noon still. To which he said he's just doing homework all day, so he was flexible, so that was fine! I was glad, but then I was thinking, oh, he's doing homework all day, maybe THAT'S why he just wanted to do lunch, not because he is feeling the same way.. So at that point I totally lost all my confidence that this was going to be a mutual thing, and now had no idea what our lunch date would bring. I didn't even know if I was going to bring things up or end it.... Stressful. But with Wendy's advice and encouragement, I just decided to see how things went and not worry.

So lunch. He came and got me, smelled really great, we hugged upon seeing each other, but no kiss. And I felt like that was because I didn't welcome it, but looking back, it was probably mutual, ha. We held hands on the way to the car and in and out of the restaurant, and had really great conversation during and after lunch. We just chatted and chatted, about his schooling, my work, and his future plans with his new job, what he was going to do this summer in between school and job, etc. We stayed there at Zupas (we've definitely been there a few times together, pretty much my favorite place to eat) for quite a while after eating, just comfortably chatting. And I felt pretty okay about if things went either way. I just felt like we were good, comfortable friends.

So he brought me home and I thought he was just going to drop me off because he needed to get back to do homework, which was totally fine. But he parked behind Dad's blue car, so then I was like, oh, maybe he wants to come in and hang out. That's fine.. But we sat there in the car for a while and just chatted some more, about the funny and gross things about my job (I had a rectal tube experience I had mentioned earlier in the week, which is why he brought it up again yesterday, and I obliged to give him more details, haha. It was pretty funny to see him squirm about something I'm so desensitized to, haha.), and whatever else. Then we eventually came to a lull in the conversation, so I said, "Well, what do you want to do..? Or you probably need to get back to " And he said, "Yeah, I do... but I need to have a conversation with you, that I really don't want to have." or something like that. And I immediately knew he WAS feeling that way, and that this would be mutual, and I was suddenly so excited again, mostly to eliminate his obvious anxiety over this issue. So as soon as he said that, or maybe right after, I said something like, "I've been hoping you wanted to talk about this, talk to me" in a pretty enthusiastic way. I was excited, because he clearly had no idea I was feeling the same way.

So he kept going. "I really value our friendship, but I've been praying about it, and I know it's not right." And I couldn't wait to say it, and I put my hand on his arm and said, "me too!" And he looked up and at me and said, "really?" "Yeah." And he looked forward, and seemed kind of in shock, and said, "That is...awesome!" He was so relieved, and I was too, frankly. I had totally lost the determination and courage to bring anything up, and was probably just going to keep going like we had been. So I was super glad he had the courage to bring it up, and that he was feeling the way I had been too.

So we talked about it for a little bit there in the car, and one of the coolest things was finding out that we both knew at about the same time. I asked him when he knew and he said it was actually the night we hung out with his friends, and even as I drove away, he knew. And I was like, "me too!" I told him that was the night I knew too. Pretty crazy, but not a coincidence, I feel like. And like he said, a huge tender mercy.

So after talking about when we both knew, and how we both valued our friendship and didn't want to lose that, I told him that I had come to love him as a person and a friend, how we would miss each other, and told each other how great we thought the other is, we were like, "Well, alright.":) And he walked me to the door, and we hugged really tight and so good. That was such a sweet, sweet hug. So much feeling was in that hug. And then I pulled back and we said a few more things, and then, like I was hoping, we kissed. And it was such a sweet kiss too, so much mutual love, is what I felt like it was full of. We kissed there for a bit, with chatting in between, but at that point mostly kissing. Our sun room blinds were open, and I had no idea if my parents were in there or not, so I had us move a few steps in front of Diane's porch more, then saw her blinds were open too. Dang. But I didn't know where else to go, and decided I didn't care.

After a little while, and thankfully at this point we were just chatting, Diane and Sky (her dog) came out, haha...awkward. Andy and I let go of each other, I said hi, we petted the dog, asked Diane how she was doing, she asked me...still awkward..then we went and sat on our bench by our door and kept chatting. It was pretty cold outside though and Andy wasn't wearing a coat, and the bench was slightly wet (it had snowed earlier), so I suggested we go inside. So we went in and sat in the sun room and kept talking. Then he decided he should go and we got his water bottle filled up and some snacks to take in the car to stay awake (even though it was daytime..I guess he was just tired still? Not sure.), and then we went to the door, chatted and kissed some more, eventually one of my parents came back into the kitchen (a little too close by for comfort..haha) so he was really gonna go, so I said I would walk him to his car. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, and we stood out there (by now I don't have a coat on either) for probably an hour and a half or more, talking and kissing, but more talking, trying to say goodbye, but neither of us wanting to.

We both were having a hard time letting go, and we were talking about some really great things, just being totally open and honest and comfortable. Throughout the afternoon since we broke up, we both had gotten teary-eyed every now and then, which I wasn't planning on, it kind of took me by surprise that I was. And I was very touched to see Andy get a little emotional.
So overall, after we broke up, I think we said good bye for about 2 or 3 hours, ha. Best break up ever. Kind of ironic. But it was so sweet, and like I said, we had some really great, open conversation, that definitely brought us way closer than we've ever been. For example, we talked about finances and student debt, and how much debt I am currently in came out. He didn't ask, but I knew he was curious, and I was willing to tell him--which is currently about $41,000. I think he was pretty surprised, ha, but understandably so. But none of it is credit card debt, and I have a plan to pay it all off in 2 -3 years, at the most. He was at least impressed with that goal, which made me feel better.
Also the topic of pornography addiction came up, as far as trying to find a guy without that problem, and he told me that he was addicted from age 12 to 16. Wow. That was a huge shock.
And I was totally shocked that he was willing to tell me about it, and also flattered that he trusted me with that information. My respect for him also went way up, especially after he told me (when I asked him how he got over it) that he basically just decided never to do it again, and didn't. And now it's been over ten years and it's not a part of who he is at all anymore. And how he hates it when girls are taught that they should ask, when dating seriously, if the guy has ever had a problem with pornography. Because it's not a part of who he is anymore, and he doesn't want to dig up the past. That gave me a totally different perspective on the issue and some things to think about. I think he's amazing.

Which is partly why this is so hard for me now. I just kind of broke down, and kind of mourned him openly, by myself, for the first time. I really don't know if I'll ever find someone as good as him. He is such a good person, with such high standards and morals, especially media standards, which is a huge deal to me. He treats me so well, and always would, I know that. He would always take care of me, in the good and bad times, and of our family if we had kids. And I think we would have a good marriage because we'd both be in it for the long haul. We both have those priorities and would be willing to put in the work to keep a good marriage. I'm very confident of that.

The only things that still kind of hold me back is just those personality differences that I've always kind of been hung up on. I feel like we don't totally have the same sense of humor; although the more time goes on, the more I feel like maybe we have more similar sense of humor than I thought.

And he still is kind of dorky at times, in a way that I find not endearing. Ha. But that's the thing too, that since yesterday, thinking back on his dorkiness, and even looking through his facebook pictures again tonight (b/c I was missing him so much), little things that used to bug me don't so much, and I feel slightly more physically attracted to him as well.

So I don't know if I'm feeling all this because we just broke up and that's just hard, or if that was for a purpose, to essentially bring us closer and more comfortable and open with each other, thereby bringing us closer, making me more attracted to him, and that we're supposed to get back together in the future..? I don't know. I have no idea. But the idea kind of makes me excited right now. But I don't know. Then the other part of me feels like no, this was it, maybe I'll see him in the future, but he is still not the one.

So I have no idea. But man, right now I miss him, and I am definitely struggling tonight, right now.

We still texted even last night, and some more today--this morning and evening. Which I'm so glad about. It would be even harder if we didn't.

So we'll see. This is harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be like our dates. Hard to say goodbye, but then I was always fine and didn't miss him too much between dates. But I miss him and have thought about him a lot more than I thought I would.