I'm feeling unsettled. I'm not sure about what though. I've kind of felt unsettled all afternoon. Maybe all day. Like I offended someone, or didn't tell a whole truth or something.. but I can't figure out why I'm feeling this way.
So it's been two weeks since Wes wanted to take a step back, and I haven't heard from him. Nothin. This I am a little surprised by. I'm pretty much over him, moved on, I've gone out with a couple other guys. I'm over him except for moments here and there, like as I'm laying in bed at night and I start thinking about him and how amazing the night he kissed me was, and how much I felt like I was in a movie, and it didn't all feel real.. and then a week later he basically ends things, without ending things. I don't know if that was his intention when he said he wanted to take a step back, but it just kind of annoys me how he was so touchy and adorable and kissed me so much that night, the first time he kissed me, and then that was it. Oh, and how he was so nice to go to campus and get me my textbook that last morning, and bring it, as well as soup and cough drops, to me that day, before our date that night. I just don't get it. And I still feel like he is not the one, more and more all the time, so I'm not devastated that way or anything, but I almost wish he hadn't kissed me. I don't know. No, I don't wish that, because it was really fun, and I'll be honest, it is really nice to have finally kissed a second guy, and to have that looooooonnnng dating drought broken, but I don't know....maybe that he wasn't so amazingly and adorably touchy or something, before we were official and stable maybe. I think some moments I feel slightly rejected, which is why I feel slightly annoyed. And I pretty much dread the day now when I see him, like at a stake activity or something. Because it's bound to happen eventually, and I have no idea what I would, or should, say to him.
Something else this weekend, real quick: so Jamie, Wendy and I all pretty much made a pact that, as far as dating and marriage go, it's all of us or none of us. So not too long afterwards, amazingly, all three of us started dating someone! Wes and me, Wendy and Boyd (after they had been trying for about five months already), and Jamie and this new BYU-I boy named Nate.
About a week later, Wendy and Boyd broke up, and then Wes and I ended (or took a step back...), but Jamie and Nate were still going strong. They were going towards serious pretty fast. I think we all thought that they would likely get married eventually, even Jamie. Then, as life does, things took a major turn and I get a text from Jamie yesterday, after I had asked her how her Friday night with him was (he was down here this weekend), saying that they aren't together anymore. WHAT?!?! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. At first I thought it was a joke, it couldn't be real. I mean, I was just that day trying to deal with my emotions of essentially losing her to Nate, but I was happy for her, I really was. I would rather she be in a relationship and get married than me, honestly. I think she wants it even more than I do, and she needs it. I feel like I can be happy a little better than she can, single. Just my personality. She is a happy person, but she's waited long enough and wants to be married so bad. So I was a little sad, and albeit a little jealous too, of her thriving relationship, but really happy for her happiness.
But then this.
So long story short, turns out it's pornography. Which is tragic. And kind of a big deal. Like a deal breaker. One of those things that is just hard to get past and be willing to marry a guy in spite of.
So they are on great terms, and after a week of them talking a lot about stuff, and it being hard, and after a range of feelings on both sides, they are both doing good. And Nate, we think, has been motivated quite a bit, by an amazing girl (Jamie) basically telling him that he is not the kind of guy that she wants to marry, that he's not there yet. So thankfully, he has humbled himself enough to let her say that, and to want to change and pull his life together, to improve, and to work really hard on this addiction.
So besides the tragedy of this plaguing addiction, the three of us are back to all being single! Which is kind of fun, I'll be honest. :) We all went to Julia and John's wedding reception last night, and then to Red Robin, and then to their apt and watched Rise of the Guardians while all of us working on things while watching it. It was a really fun night, I just love hanging out with Wendy and Jamie. And we've already started planning another road trip, of course. :) But who knows, last time we planned a road trip, we ended up not going because Wes asked me out, Wendy wanted to go out with Boyd, and Jamie got a date too (not Nate, but still). And then shortly thereafter we were all in a relationship. So who knows, maybe another road trip plann-age is just the trick. :)
Except Wendy and Boyd have been emailing this week and she is up at his house in Ogden tonight, so Wendy may be back in a relationship tonight... which we would all be happy for, of course.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
It's going to be okay, I do think so
So just quickly, it's Thursday, after the whole let's take a step back talk on Sat., and I still haven't heard from Wes. Nor have I contacted him. I'm not surprised that I haven't heard from him. And I've gone through moments of sadness about it all, especially on Sunday, but I'm actually pretty fine about it all now. I've basically given in to the fact, or idea, or possibility I guess, of nothing more really happening between us. And I'm actually okay with it.
He's a really great guy, and treated me really well, including going to get my textbook on Sat. when I was sick, and delivering that and soup and cough drops to me so I didn't have to leave my house. So yeah, he's incredibly thoughful and kind, and will treat whoever he dates and marries like a queen. For that, I am bummed about letting him go and things not happening.
But for many other small reasons, I just don't think that we totally mesh like I want to with whoever I spend the rest of my life and forever with.
So it's okay. And now I hope that we can stay friends, and I would even love to be his confidante, and just know how he's doing. I've learned to care about him, but I don't think we will marry. But he's great, and I get really attached to people, which is one of the hardest things about things like this. But thankfully, we didn't actually date for that long (total of about a month and a half from when we first started going out), so I didn't get as attached as I could have. So part of me thinks that this was a little tender mercy from my Heavenly Father for many reasons. Giving me a little fun, someone to date and be cared about by, someone to cuddle with a little and kiss me one night and make me feel amazing, but then ended it (this is assuming it's basically not going to go anywhere from here) before it was too painful to break off. So it's all good, I guess you could say.
At least that's how I feel today. With me, you never know I guess. haha, but no, I think I'm going to be okay.
Especially because I have amazing friends like Wendy, who just called me to see how I'm doing today with it all, and Liz who came over at almost 11 pm on Tues night to see how things were, and Jamie who keeps in touch with me even when she is on vacation in Texas.
I am seriously so blessed with amazing friends, it's more than I can even say. And I am SOOO grateful.
He's a really great guy, and treated me really well, including going to get my textbook on Sat. when I was sick, and delivering that and soup and cough drops to me so I didn't have to leave my house. So yeah, he's incredibly thoughful and kind, and will treat whoever he dates and marries like a queen. For that, I am bummed about letting him go and things not happening.
But for many other small reasons, I just don't think that we totally mesh like I want to with whoever I spend the rest of my life and forever with.
So it's okay. And now I hope that we can stay friends, and I would even love to be his confidante, and just know how he's doing. I've learned to care about him, but I don't think we will marry. But he's great, and I get really attached to people, which is one of the hardest things about things like this. But thankfully, we didn't actually date for that long (total of about a month and a half from when we first started going out), so I didn't get as attached as I could have. So part of me thinks that this was a little tender mercy from my Heavenly Father for many reasons. Giving me a little fun, someone to date and be cared about by, someone to cuddle with a little and kiss me one night and make me feel amazing, but then ended it (this is assuming it's basically not going to go anywhere from here) before it was too painful to break off. So it's all good, I guess you could say.
At least that's how I feel today. With me, you never know I guess. haha, but no, I think I'm going to be okay.
Especially because I have amazing friends like Wendy, who just called me to see how I'm doing today with it all, and Liz who came over at almost 11 pm on Tues night to see how things were, and Jamie who keeps in touch with me even when she is on vacation in Texas.
I am seriously so blessed with amazing friends, it's more than I can even say. And I am SOOO grateful.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
From mom
The other day mom said some really nice things to me that I don't want to forget. She's not one to just hand out compliments or express her emotions real freely, so when she does, it means a lot.
We were talking about the Wes situation, and I think it was before the whole "taking a step back" thing. But she said to me something along the lines of 'you're fun, you're likable..you're beautiful!" And she emphasized beautiful, which meant a lot to me, especially coming from her. Also because I don't really see myself as particularly physically attractive. I mean, some days I feel prettier than others, but I've never been one that just gets gawked over by guys or asked out frequently upon first meeting, which I've essentially equated with not being that pretty. I'm okay with it, I know that I'm not gorgeous or anything, and I know that I am one who is more attractive to people as they get to know me, which I'm also okay with. But I've always kind of felt like I'm sort of plain. So that meant a lot to hear that from her.
She also said that "it's about time someone sees you for those things.." or something like that, which made it seem like maybe she is frustrated at the male population that I've not dated more and am not married. That meant a lot to me too.
Anyway, just wanted to remember these things.
We were talking about the Wes situation, and I think it was before the whole "taking a step back" thing. But she said to me something along the lines of 'you're fun, you're likable..you're beautiful!" And she emphasized beautiful, which meant a lot to me, especially coming from her. Also because I don't really see myself as particularly physically attractive. I mean, some days I feel prettier than others, but I've never been one that just gets gawked over by guys or asked out frequently upon first meeting, which I've essentially equated with not being that pretty. I'm okay with it, I know that I'm not gorgeous or anything, and I know that I am one who is more attractive to people as they get to know me, which I'm also okay with. But I've always kind of felt like I'm sort of plain. So that meant a lot to hear that from her.
She also said that "it's about time someone sees you for those things.." or something like that, which made it seem like maybe she is frustrated at the male population that I've not dated more and am not married. That meant a lot to me too.
Anyway, just wanted to remember these things.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Something even more new--we're taking a step back.
So Wes called me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to a Vocal Point concert tonight in Provo. I of course wanted to because I love them, and wanted to be with Wes. So we went. I have been sick with a cold over the past couple days, so I didn't feel stellar, but I didn't feel terrible either, and it was fun.
Anyway, by the end of the night and when we were almost back to my house, he asked if he could say something. I said yes, of course, and he then proceeded to tell me that he is still feeling nervous about things (us) and that could we just take a step back. That was totally unexpected, but of course I said yes, that was fine. So we talked about it a little more in the driveway, and I can't say I saw that coming, but I'm not broken hearted either. He said he still likes me, he's still interested, but he needs more time. He just barely had broken up with someone else when we met that second time in the cafeteria of the Church Office Building, which he told me last weekend, so that's kind of an issue right now. He told me tonight that they had decided to just kind of take a break, so he isn't sure if anything else will happen there, he said he doesn't think so, but still, there's that. He said last weekend, the next morning (after that amazing night), he woke up and kind of got scared and felt like a lot had happened that night. I told him, "that was a pretty intense night" and he agreed.
So anyway, we are taking a step back. We are not exclusive for the time being, and we are not kissing either. This is all okay. And in fact, after he got talking like this, it made me think and wonder how much I really like him. I'm not sure. Part of me is the tiniest bit relieved. Part of me thinks that maybe this just isn't meant to work out. There are little things about him that I'm not sure really mesh with me. Like his size, he is just barely taller than me, but like 3 inches, which is enough, but like our legs, I think mine are definitely longer and bigger than his. And he wore these tennis shoes tonight, that he just got, and was pretty proud of them, and asked me if I liked them, and I didn't. I couldn't lie, so I couldn't say yes. That led to a kind of awkward next few minutes discussing his shoes that weren't my favorite. Then I made the mistake of asking him if he liked my shoes (not sure why I did), and turns out he really doesn't. Ironically, they are some of my very favorite shoes. He prefers flats on girls. I'm not really into flats.
Then just things like he laughs at silly things that I don't really find funny enough to laugh at, and he is kind of dorky in an audience. Like when they say on stage, "Hi, I'm Adam" and people are supposed to say something back like, "Hi, Adam" he does it. I'm one of those people who don't usually humor them, but he definitely does.
So I don't know, things like that. And his laugh. When he just bursts out laughing, it's a little bit loud and almost embarrassing... these things I think I could get over, and he certainly has a lot of great qualities that could continue to outweigh these small things, if it was right, but I'm just not sure that it is. It's almost like there are more and more little things that are off, that I'm not sure if eternity is in the cards for us.
But I guess we'll just see what he does.
Anyway, by the end of the night and when we were almost back to my house, he asked if he could say something. I said yes, of course, and he then proceeded to tell me that he is still feeling nervous about things (us) and that could we just take a step back. That was totally unexpected, but of course I said yes, that was fine. So we talked about it a little more in the driveway, and I can't say I saw that coming, but I'm not broken hearted either. He said he still likes me, he's still interested, but he needs more time. He just barely had broken up with someone else when we met that second time in the cafeteria of the Church Office Building, which he told me last weekend, so that's kind of an issue right now. He told me tonight that they had decided to just kind of take a break, so he isn't sure if anything else will happen there, he said he doesn't think so, but still, there's that. He said last weekend, the next morning (after that amazing night), he woke up and kind of got scared and felt like a lot had happened that night. I told him, "that was a pretty intense night" and he agreed.
So anyway, we are taking a step back. We are not exclusive for the time being, and we are not kissing either. This is all okay. And in fact, after he got talking like this, it made me think and wonder how much I really like him. I'm not sure. Part of me is the tiniest bit relieved. Part of me thinks that maybe this just isn't meant to work out. There are little things about him that I'm not sure really mesh with me. Like his size, he is just barely taller than me, but like 3 inches, which is enough, but like our legs, I think mine are definitely longer and bigger than his. And he wore these tennis shoes tonight, that he just got, and was pretty proud of them, and asked me if I liked them, and I didn't. I couldn't lie, so I couldn't say yes. That led to a kind of awkward next few minutes discussing his shoes that weren't my favorite. Then I made the mistake of asking him if he liked my shoes (not sure why I did), and turns out he really doesn't. Ironically, they are some of my very favorite shoes. He prefers flats on girls. I'm not really into flats.
Then just things like he laughs at silly things that I don't really find funny enough to laugh at, and he is kind of dorky in an audience. Like when they say on stage, "Hi, I'm Adam" and people are supposed to say something back like, "Hi, Adam" he does it. I'm one of those people who don't usually humor them, but he definitely does.
So I don't know, things like that. And his laugh. When he just bursts out laughing, it's a little bit loud and almost embarrassing... these things I think I could get over, and he certainly has a lot of great qualities that could continue to outweigh these small things, if it was right, but I'm just not sure that it is. It's almost like there are more and more little things that are off, that I'm not sure if eternity is in the cards for us.
But I guess we'll just see what he does.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Hm. This is new.
Well, this is a new feeling. I suddenly feel rather indifferent toward the whole Wes situation.
I haven't seen him for 5 days, since I had to pick up my phone from his apt Sunday morning. He's been in Illinois all week for work (he works for the Church, he's HR for the Welfare farms), and he's actually been doing so good this week, at contacting me and communicating with me during the week, like I asked him to. He texted me "hi :)" on Monday night, which I loved, called me Tues. night and we chatted for about a half hour, and texted me last night (Wed) saying hi, that he hoped I had a good day, that his was long but good, and that he had a big day the next day (today) so he needed to get to bed, so he couldn't chat. But that he would talk to me soon, and "Sweet dreams!" It was really cute, and I really appreciated it. I actually had a pretty busy night last night, with my volleyball game at 7:45, meeting Jamie and Wendy for dessert for Jamie's bday after, and then going to my new job at 10 pm (helping Paul, the quad). So it was fine that Wes didn't call last night, I'm not sure I would have been able to chat either. But I really appreciated his text.
I haven't heard from him today (Thurs), which I'm not concerned about. But I do suddenly feel like if I never saw or heard from him again, I think I'd be okay with that. And that sort of worries me. Not really worries, but makes me wonder how much I really like him then. I think it's because I maybe feel like he has been contacting me mostly or all just because I asked him to, and not necessarily because he wants to. So I think I'm feeling like if he isn't that into me, I guess I'm not that into him. And I think also because I haven't seen him since that big night when he kissed me last Sat. (other than Sun morning for a second, which was kind of awkward), and I'm kind of forgetting him, or why I like him.. I guess. I don't know. And maybe also because as of now, I don't even know if he is planning on doing anything with me this weekend.
I'm not stressed or worried or anxious or anything, it's just a new feeling, this indifference towards Wes. I think something really good could come of us, but are we both willing to put in the effort? Being single certainly is easier in a lot of ways, and I can see things really happening with Wes and I. And I think that scares both of us a little.
Anyway, we'll see what happens. My guess is that he'll call me tomorrow on his way back or something, and either want to see me tomorrow night, or Sat. because he'll be too tired tomorrow. And that things will be good and I'll remember why I like him. At least I kind of hope he calls.
I haven't seen him for 5 days, since I had to pick up my phone from his apt Sunday morning. He's been in Illinois all week for work (he works for the Church, he's HR for the Welfare farms), and he's actually been doing so good this week, at contacting me and communicating with me during the week, like I asked him to. He texted me "hi :)" on Monday night, which I loved, called me Tues. night and we chatted for about a half hour, and texted me last night (Wed) saying hi, that he hoped I had a good day, that his was long but good, and that he had a big day the next day (today) so he needed to get to bed, so he couldn't chat. But that he would talk to me soon, and "Sweet dreams!" It was really cute, and I really appreciated it. I actually had a pretty busy night last night, with my volleyball game at 7:45, meeting Jamie and Wendy for dessert for Jamie's bday after, and then going to my new job at 10 pm (helping Paul, the quad). So it was fine that Wes didn't call last night, I'm not sure I would have been able to chat either. But I really appreciated his text.
I haven't heard from him today (Thurs), which I'm not concerned about. But I do suddenly feel like if I never saw or heard from him again, I think I'd be okay with that. And that sort of worries me. Not really worries, but makes me wonder how much I really like him then. I think it's because I maybe feel like he has been contacting me mostly or all just because I asked him to, and not necessarily because he wants to. So I think I'm feeling like if he isn't that into me, I guess I'm not that into him. And I think also because I haven't seen him since that big night when he kissed me last Sat. (other than Sun morning for a second, which was kind of awkward), and I'm kind of forgetting him, or why I like him.. I guess. I don't know. And maybe also because as of now, I don't even know if he is planning on doing anything with me this weekend.
I'm not stressed or worried or anxious or anything, it's just a new feeling, this indifference towards Wes. I think something really good could come of us, but are we both willing to put in the effort? Being single certainly is easier in a lot of ways, and I can see things really happening with Wes and I. And I think that scares both of us a little.
Anyway, we'll see what happens. My guess is that he'll call me tomorrow on his way back or something, and either want to see me tomorrow night, or Sat. because he'll be too tired tomorrow. And that things will be good and I'll remember why I like him. At least I kind of hope he calls.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Held hands, kissed, and I guess we're dating!
So wow, what a date last Saturday night! Most incredible night of my life thus far, I would have to say. As far as dating goes, anyway. I seriously felt like I was in a movie, at many times.
Wes picked me up and we headed over to his place. Even just on the way in the car he made comments making it clear he planned on continuing to see me in the future. It was cute (but I still wondered what the heck we were). Except the comment about his new jeans making his butt look really good, that was NOT cute..haha, geez.
We got to his place and started making dinner. Pretty soon, as he was standing there talking to me, as I was getting ready to cut up fruit, he said, "I haven't even hugged you yet.." And so then we hugged, for an extended period of time. It was nice. He just rubbed and basically explored my back, is what it felt like. Just hugged me really tight and rubbed all over my back. It was pretty intimate, I thought, for us having not kissed or held hands yet even. But I wasn't complaining. I just didn't really know what to do. I hugged him back of course, but I still didn't know what we were, frankly, so I didn't yet feel like I could be quite as affectionate back. At some point he said, "This is nice.." And I said, totally kidding of course, "Mm..it's okay.." And he was like, "Alright, that's it." And just totally dropped contact and went back to making dinner. I thought it was cute and funny. I laughed and said, "Just kidding!" But no going back that time, I had ruined the moment.. :) But that was fine, I just didn't know how to react to these things yet, without knowing what we were!
While I was cutting the avocado he came behind me and started massaging my shoulders, which was amazing. And at which point I became nearly dysfunctional, not able to continue cutting, ha. Then he leaned in close to me (these things I just really couldn't believe he was doing, it was amazing, I didn't know how to react!), and I wanted to reciprocate, so I leaned back against him, and we kind of stood there like that for a minute.
Later he hugged me again like that in the kitchen, and this time my heart was of course pounding, and I'm pretty sure he pointed out. I've kind of gotten used to the awkwardness of this, and this time I said, "Hm..I must be allergic to you..." It wasn't as funny as I thought. Ha.
At one point, as we got further into making dinner and him being adorable and touchy, he came close and we awkwardly ended up with him behind me and his arms around me, and we may have held hands like that..I can't remember. But he kind of rubbed my stomach, where his hands were, which was cute. And he leaned close to my face and kissed me on the side of my head, or face or something. It was adorable. Part of me wanted to just turn around and kiss him, but I was nervous to kiss him just yet in the night. I figured it would happen that night, but I wasn't ready yet. I kind of think he had a definite purpose in all this, to lead me up to kissing me. And it all sure worked! Haha :)
Anyway, so after we were done making dinner, we ate, and then we just sat there at the table and just chatted for a few minutes, and as I was telling him something, he started playing footsie with me, rubbing my feet with his. And I absolutely love that, I don't know why. I think it is extremely romantic. The only other guy I've done that with is Troy Stahle (Elder Stahle, ha), and it was so great then too! Better this time though, because I really like Wes and we are dating.
At a lull in conversation Wes asked if I wanted to watch a movie, so we picked "Greatest Game Ever Played" (after narrowing it down to that one and his beloved Chipmunks movie, that he just can't seem to get me to watch yet..haha. Actually, one of the main reasons I chose the golf movie over the Chipmunks was because the golf movie was quite a bit longer, and I really like cuddling, so longer was obviously better. :)
So we threw it on, sat back, and he immediately put his arm around me and went for my hand. He had both his arms around me, and subsequently had both my hands in his pretty quick. I was loving it, of course. So we just cuddled through the whole movie, and it was pretty dang great. I kept missing important parts, usually because I couldn't focus on a whole lot besides the guy that had his arms around me and was breathing fast for at least half the movie (cute). :)
After it was over, we just sat/layed there cuddling for a few minutes, and I was falling asleep on him. And then he asked me if I was falling asleep and he just wrapped me in his arms really close, so my face was like right in his chest/neck, and he smelled really good, which I pointed out. And we just hung out like that for a minute or two..I figured he was going to kiss me next, which he did. Well, so he kind of slowly brought his face down closer to mine, and kissed my forehead, or did something like unto that, that was cute, on the way down. I figured it was time to reciprocate and do my part, so i eventually looked up and lifted my head that way, and suddenly there were his lips! They were a lot closer to mine than I had thought (it was very dark), and suddenly we were kissing! It was weird, just like kissing Steve was totally weird at first, trying to figure each other's lips out, and get a rhythm going or whatever. That on top of me having old gum in my mouth, as well as being in kind of a weird position (my right arm was pinned against him, so only my left arm was free, it was kind of awkward. Oh, and I think I was basically craning my neck to kiss him, or something like that.), made it not amazing at first.. I remember thinking, "I remember this..that kissing is not all it's cracked up to be at first (haha)...yeah, this is weird and awkward and kind of gross..but I also remember it gets better, so just keep going.." Ha! And it did. We pretty soon readjusted and got in a better position on the couch, and I eventually got my arm out and swallowed my gum too, and then it got good after a bit.
So we kissed for a bit and then started talking a little in between kisses. One of the first things he said was, "Can I ask you a favor?" And I said yes, and he said, "Can you not tell Liz about any of this?" What??? I told him I didn't know if I could do that, and he kept asking me not to, and I asked why and he said she bugs him about stuff at work, but I just kept telling him he didn't understand, for she was one of my best friends, and there were a few of us that all keep tabs on each other, and she was one of them. I honestly didn't think I could agree to it. (Later, that night, I decided if I wanted to make things work, I needed to put him first, so in the end, the next day at church, I barely told her anything, but she didn't ask much, so it worked out). So then a minute later, after kissing more, I said, "Can I ask you a favor?" Yes. "Can I hear from you during the week?" To that he was like, "Ooh, I'm sorry..." He then began to tell me why he's been like that or what not, and that he'd been trying to decide. He'd been trying to decide between me and staying open. I told him that was fair, and that I wished I had known that, because I had started feeling like I was his weekend fling.. anyway, we talked about a bunch of good stuff (including that HE NEVER EVEN GOT THAT TEXT THAT WEEK THAT I HAD BEEN SO FRUSTRATED OVER HIS NON-RESPONSE TO!!! I couldn't believe it, because, even though I never wrote on here the next day, I was basically an emotional WRECK the next day, and he was the one that had set me off, with his non-response to my text. Like, to the point of tears throughout the whole day. And then he didn't even ever get the text, he pulled his phone out in between kissing, when I brought up the text, and we looked for it, and he was right, it wasn't there. Talk about embarrassment and a serious waste of energy), and basically established that we were dating, in fewer words. So we kissed and chatted in between for a while, and it was..amazing. Ok, it was amazing. It really was. I felt so connected to him. When Steve and I would kiss, we pretty much would only kiss, but that's all I knew. But I've always wanted to do the chatting in between kissing, I've thought it looked very..bonding? Romantic? I don't know, but Wes was really good at it, and it was so great! He would say cute things like, "I think my lips like your lips.." I mean, seriously, did I really live this?? He was adorable and it was an amazing night. And one of the best things was that we communicated and got things out on the table. Communication is huge for me, so that was good.
And he was really fun to kiss, let's be honest.
When he took me home, at like 2 am, our renter, Diane happened to be outside with Sky, taking the dog to the bathroom. Awkward. But besides that, he kissed me goodnight, for another few kisses, and it was cute again.
Anyway, those were the highlights of the night. It honestly was amazing, and if I don't marry him, it's going to be hard for any guy to top this night. I mean wow.
Things about the Night He Kissed Me that I want to remember:
-"I'm not wearing them (his new jeans) currently, but you'll see them in the future.."
-"They make my butt look really good." (oh geez, talk about awkward, and not a turn-on.)
-Me: who did you go shopping with? Wes: oh, just a friend in my ward.. (obviously a girl)..because you were busy. (so cute, he wanted me to go shopping with him..:) I liked that.)
-Wes being really touchy and adorable in the kitchen while we were making dinner
-He actually touched my bum while we were making dinner, I had said something, and he gave it a little light slap, ha! I was surprised, but not creeped out, surprisingly. It was actually kind of cute. :)
-Wes playing footsie with me while we were just chatting after we finished eating dinner. I love that.
-in between kisses, Wes rubbing his nose with mine, in a really cute, affectionate way.
-After initially kissing me for a minute or two, he pulled away slightly and said "Hi.." a couple times
-In between kisses, Wes asking, "Where have you been..?"
-"I think my lips like your lips.." "What makes you think that..?" "Just a hunch.."
-I told him (because he had asked something that led to this) that he was actually only the second guy I've kissed, and he was like, "How is that possible?" Which I felt flattered by, but didn't know exactly what he meant, and answered, "Because I've only kissed one other guy..." After a second he got my joke, and stopped and laughed pretty good. Haha
-"I'm not a committment phobe, but...you scare me.." (and I can't remember why he said I scare him! I think it had to do with feeling like something could happen, and being nervous about the future, but then saying it's not like we have to know right now.. and I said, "It's really easy to think way to far ahead way too fast." And he seemed to appreciate that I understood and had thought about the same things. I liked that a lot.
-Me: I've gone back and forth between being excited about this, and freaking out... Wes: That sounds familiar.. (Huh. Sounds like we've both been freaking out about this whole thing off and on, funny.
Wes picked me up and we headed over to his place. Even just on the way in the car he made comments making it clear he planned on continuing to see me in the future. It was cute (but I still wondered what the heck we were). Except the comment about his new jeans making his butt look really good, that was NOT cute..haha, geez.
We got to his place and started making dinner. Pretty soon, as he was standing there talking to me, as I was getting ready to cut up fruit, he said, "I haven't even hugged you yet.." And so then we hugged, for an extended period of time. It was nice. He just rubbed and basically explored my back, is what it felt like. Just hugged me really tight and rubbed all over my back. It was pretty intimate, I thought, for us having not kissed or held hands yet even. But I wasn't complaining. I just didn't really know what to do. I hugged him back of course, but I still didn't know what we were, frankly, so I didn't yet feel like I could be quite as affectionate back. At some point he said, "This is nice.." And I said, totally kidding of course, "Mm..it's okay.." And he was like, "Alright, that's it." And just totally dropped contact and went back to making dinner. I thought it was cute and funny. I laughed and said, "Just kidding!" But no going back that time, I had ruined the moment.. :) But that was fine, I just didn't know how to react to these things yet, without knowing what we were!
While I was cutting the avocado he came behind me and started massaging my shoulders, which was amazing. And at which point I became nearly dysfunctional, not able to continue cutting, ha. Then he leaned in close to me (these things I just really couldn't believe he was doing, it was amazing, I didn't know how to react!), and I wanted to reciprocate, so I leaned back against him, and we kind of stood there like that for a minute.
Later he hugged me again like that in the kitchen, and this time my heart was of course pounding, and I'm pretty sure he pointed out. I've kind of gotten used to the awkwardness of this, and this time I said, "Hm..I must be allergic to you..." It wasn't as funny as I thought. Ha.
At one point, as we got further into making dinner and him being adorable and touchy, he came close and we awkwardly ended up with him behind me and his arms around me, and we may have held hands like that..I can't remember. But he kind of rubbed my stomach, where his hands were, which was cute. And he leaned close to my face and kissed me on the side of my head, or face or something. It was adorable. Part of me wanted to just turn around and kiss him, but I was nervous to kiss him just yet in the night. I figured it would happen that night, but I wasn't ready yet. I kind of think he had a definite purpose in all this, to lead me up to kissing me. And it all sure worked! Haha :)
Anyway, so after we were done making dinner, we ate, and then we just sat there at the table and just chatted for a few minutes, and as I was telling him something, he started playing footsie with me, rubbing my feet with his. And I absolutely love that, I don't know why. I think it is extremely romantic. The only other guy I've done that with is Troy Stahle (Elder Stahle, ha), and it was so great then too! Better this time though, because I really like Wes and we are dating.
At a lull in conversation Wes asked if I wanted to watch a movie, so we picked "Greatest Game Ever Played" (after narrowing it down to that one and his beloved Chipmunks movie, that he just can't seem to get me to watch yet..haha. Actually, one of the main reasons I chose the golf movie over the Chipmunks was because the golf movie was quite a bit longer, and I really like cuddling, so longer was obviously better. :)
So we threw it on, sat back, and he immediately put his arm around me and went for my hand. He had both his arms around me, and subsequently had both my hands in his pretty quick. I was loving it, of course. So we just cuddled through the whole movie, and it was pretty dang great. I kept missing important parts, usually because I couldn't focus on a whole lot besides the guy that had his arms around me and was breathing fast for at least half the movie (cute). :)
After it was over, we just sat/layed there cuddling for a few minutes, and I was falling asleep on him. And then he asked me if I was falling asleep and he just wrapped me in his arms really close, so my face was like right in his chest/neck, and he smelled really good, which I pointed out. And we just hung out like that for a minute or two..I figured he was going to kiss me next, which he did. Well, so he kind of slowly brought his face down closer to mine, and kissed my forehead, or did something like unto that, that was cute, on the way down. I figured it was time to reciprocate and do my part, so i eventually looked up and lifted my head that way, and suddenly there were his lips! They were a lot closer to mine than I had thought (it was very dark), and suddenly we were kissing! It was weird, just like kissing Steve was totally weird at first, trying to figure each other's lips out, and get a rhythm going or whatever. That on top of me having old gum in my mouth, as well as being in kind of a weird position (my right arm was pinned against him, so only my left arm was free, it was kind of awkward. Oh, and I think I was basically craning my neck to kiss him, or something like that.), made it not amazing at first.. I remember thinking, "I remember this..that kissing is not all it's cracked up to be at first (haha)...yeah, this is weird and awkward and kind of gross..but I also remember it gets better, so just keep going.." Ha! And it did. We pretty soon readjusted and got in a better position on the couch, and I eventually got my arm out and swallowed my gum too, and then it got good after a bit.
So we kissed for a bit and then started talking a little in between kisses. One of the first things he said was, "Can I ask you a favor?" And I said yes, and he said, "Can you not tell Liz about any of this?" What??? I told him I didn't know if I could do that, and he kept asking me not to, and I asked why and he said she bugs him about stuff at work, but I just kept telling him he didn't understand, for she was one of my best friends, and there were a few of us that all keep tabs on each other, and she was one of them. I honestly didn't think I could agree to it. (Later, that night, I decided if I wanted to make things work, I needed to put him first, so in the end, the next day at church, I barely told her anything, but she didn't ask much, so it worked out). So then a minute later, after kissing more, I said, "Can I ask you a favor?" Yes. "Can I hear from you during the week?" To that he was like, "Ooh, I'm sorry..." He then began to tell me why he's been like that or what not, and that he'd been trying to decide. He'd been trying to decide between me and staying open. I told him that was fair, and that I wished I had known that, because I had started feeling like I was his weekend fling.. anyway, we talked about a bunch of good stuff (including that HE NEVER EVEN GOT THAT TEXT THAT WEEK THAT I HAD BEEN SO FRUSTRATED OVER HIS NON-RESPONSE TO!!! I couldn't believe it, because, even though I never wrote on here the next day, I was basically an emotional WRECK the next day, and he was the one that had set me off, with his non-response to my text. Like, to the point of tears throughout the whole day. And then he didn't even ever get the text, he pulled his phone out in between kissing, when I brought up the text, and we looked for it, and he was right, it wasn't there. Talk about embarrassment and a serious waste of energy), and basically established that we were dating, in fewer words. So we kissed and chatted in between for a while, and it was..amazing. Ok, it was amazing. It really was. I felt so connected to him. When Steve and I would kiss, we pretty much would only kiss, but that's all I knew. But I've always wanted to do the chatting in between kissing, I've thought it looked very..bonding? Romantic? I don't know, but Wes was really good at it, and it was so great! He would say cute things like, "I think my lips like your lips.." I mean, seriously, did I really live this?? He was adorable and it was an amazing night. And one of the best things was that we communicated and got things out on the table. Communication is huge for me, so that was good.
And he was really fun to kiss, let's be honest.
When he took me home, at like 2 am, our renter, Diane happened to be outside with Sky, taking the dog to the bathroom. Awkward. But besides that, he kissed me goodnight, for another few kisses, and it was cute again.
Anyway, those were the highlights of the night. It honestly was amazing, and if I don't marry him, it's going to be hard for any guy to top this night. I mean wow.
Things about the Night He Kissed Me that I want to remember:
-"I'm not wearing them (his new jeans) currently, but you'll see them in the future.."
-"They make my butt look really good." (oh geez, talk about awkward, and not a turn-on.)
-Me: who did you go shopping with? Wes: oh, just a friend in my ward.. (obviously a girl)..because you were busy. (so cute, he wanted me to go shopping with him..:) I liked that.)
-Wes being really touchy and adorable in the kitchen while we were making dinner
-He actually touched my bum while we were making dinner, I had said something, and he gave it a little light slap, ha! I was surprised, but not creeped out, surprisingly. It was actually kind of cute. :)
-Wes playing footsie with me while we were just chatting after we finished eating dinner. I love that.
-in between kisses, Wes rubbing his nose with mine, in a really cute, affectionate way.
-After initially kissing me for a minute or two, he pulled away slightly and said "Hi.." a couple times
-In between kisses, Wes asking, "Where have you been..?"
-"I think my lips like your lips.." "What makes you think that..?" "Just a hunch.."
-I told him (because he had asked something that led to this) that he was actually only the second guy I've kissed, and he was like, "How is that possible?" Which I felt flattered by, but didn't know exactly what he meant, and answered, "Because I've only kissed one other guy..." After a second he got my joke, and stopped and laughed pretty good. Haha
-"I'm not a committment phobe, but...you scare me.." (and I can't remember why he said I scare him! I think it had to do with feeling like something could happen, and being nervous about the future, but then saying it's not like we have to know right now.. and I said, "It's really easy to think way to far ahead way too fast." And he seemed to appreciate that I understood and had thought about the same things. I liked that a lot.
-Me: I've gone back and forth between being excited about this, and freaking out... Wes: That sounds familiar.. (Huh. Sounds like we've both been freaking out about this whole thing off and on, funny.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Wes..how much does he actually like me?
Ugh. So I'm getting a little anxious about the Wes situation, once again. But first, an update:
Things were so good this last weekend! We went out Valentine's Day, which I think I wrote about, and then Sat. I saw him at the Adonis church building, watching the girls' basketball. I went to watch our ward, and he was there, supposedly watching the other ward.. At that point I think I was slightly annoyed of him, I can't remember why. Maybe because I don't hear from him between dates much...? I don't know. But he definitely gave me attention at the game, and at one point was telling me about his game at the other building that he had to go to soon, and touched my knee as he said I could come to it, that I should, or whatever. So once again, clear that he likes me when I'm with him. I ended up playing in the end of our girls' game, because Bri had to go, and then they would have only had four players and would have forfeited, and they were winning. So after much convincing on everyone's part (Liz, Bishopric, Brittany Berg, Bri, Nina, and even Wes) I gave in. I'm not really a bball player, I haven't played competitively in years, and am not confident in the sport. But I didn't want them to forfeit, and I was their only option. I had shown up in work out clothes, so I was dressed (except this time I wasn't wearing shorts under my warm-up pants, just my running capris, b/c I was planning on going to the gym after). So as soon as I finally gave in and agreed to play, Wes was like, "I gotta stay and see this now." But in a good way.
So he stayed a few minutes and watched me, which made me even more nervous than I already was, to the point of getting a rebound once, being totally open to shoot it, but giving the ball to Brittany instead because I didn't think I could make it. Totally embarrassing. Whatever.
So after our game, Liz told me that Wes had told her to tell me how to get to the other church, and to tell me to come, or whatever. I was flattered that he really did want me to come, so I decided to go. We found it on my phone, and Liz decided to come with me. I love Liz, she is one of my favorite people ever. We both have the same issues we freak out about with boys, so it's great. We understand each other really well, and we are also good for each other, as far as advice too, I think.
So we went and watched him and chatted most of the time about me and Wes, and her and her dumb boy Ramon, who she works with, who won't ask her out again. They are perfect for each other, but he is being dumb. We also chatted about Augusto, who is absolutely in love with her. She introduced the Church to him, and he got baptized recently, comes to our ward, and is in love with her. She however, is not in love with him. So it's an ongoing saga, he just won't give up. It's cute, but kind of hard for her.
Anyway, Wes is pretty hot as a bball player. And I don't really use the word "hot." I enjoyed watching him. And he's not bad either, made free-throwing look easy. I just love a guy in gym shorts and a tshirt and athletic shoes. Mm. And watching a guy in his element is always very becoming.
After the game he walked out with us, and then walked me to my car and after chatting a minute on the way to my car, nervously invited me to a game night at his apt the next night (Sun.). I was nervous too, said yes, and then we said bye.
That night he was going to an RV expo at the South Town Expo Center with some friends (I thought it was just he and one friend, which is partly what moved me to do the following), but I was wanting to see him anyway, so I decided shortly after we parted ways at the church that I would text him later and see if he wanted to go grab some ice cream after his RV excursion.
Well, later came, I had looked up a couple ice cream places and when they close, and texted him. He texted me back a while later and said he was still with some friends, sorry, and that could we do it another time? I felt somewhat like an idiot, like I probably looked like I was just at his beck and call and didn't have any other life but wanting to be with him, and he had all these other things going on all the time.. but I played it cool and said no problem, that I'd just see him tomorrow.
So Sunday afternoon he called me, while I was VTing, and left a message telling me ppl were coming over at 6 pm, if I still wanted to come over for games, and that he would love it if I came.
Game night was a lot of fun, his sister and her husband were there (Marissa and Bobby--third time I've been around them), his roommates, Scott and Pat, and some other ppl from his ward came in and out. We played SmartyPants, which was really fun (trivia game), and which Wes rocked us all at, and then played Cities and Knights (of Settlers of Catan). I haven't played even Settlers for forever, so I couldn't even remember all the details of the original game, and then I was trying to learn all the additional rules of Cities and Knights, and I was lost for a good part of the game. Wes and I were on a team, which I quickly decided was a mistake, because he knew what he was doing, was strategizing, and I was just trying to remember how it all worked and what was going on. I feel like I faked it alright though, haha. And being distracted by his close presence next to me on the piano bench didn't help my focus either. But I loved being with him, he is very touchy, which I love, and he would touch my leg/knee every now and then, or my back or whatever. That was fun.
Then as he was walking me out to my car (at about 12:30 am! We played games for about 6 1/2 hours! ha!) I asked him what he was doing on his day off, for the holiday the next day (President's Day). He didn't know, but asked what I was doing (I was impressed with this). I didn't have much planned besides homework and what not, so he said "we should do something." I was even more impressed with this (I think because of the consecutive days thing), and said that would be fun. So after he rejected my idea of snow shoeing (he thought the snow would be too hard and frozen), he suggested maybe bowling. So we decided to go after I picked my parents up from the airport (they had been in Tuscon, AZ with Peter and Lindsay and kids over the weekend), I would call him and we'd go from there. We chatted some by my car, and after two good hugs, I left.
The next morning, first text I got, around 10 am, was from Liz, inviting me to go snow shoeing, with Tanner in our ward (not baptized, but comes frequently) and his sort-of girlfriend. Wendy started texting me about it too, and I kind of wanted to go. So long story short, after calling and talking to Liz about it, I called Wes, invited him, whereupon he suddenly remembered that he had told some friends he would go to the Grizzlies game that afternoon, and did I actually want to go to that? Ha. So after sounding a little unsure, because suddenly I was ditching the snow shoeing idea, which I had kind of gotten excited about, it was so nice outside that day! I said yes, and after convincing him that I was sure and that he hadn't ruined anything, we decided to go.
Another long story short (I've GOT to get back to my homework), I ended up buying a Pass of All Passes, which is how they were all getting in, and he came and got me, we went to the Sandy Fun Center, stood in line for an hour! to redeem them, grabbed some Taco Bell on the way, and headed to the Grizz game. We made it about 2/3 through. It was fun though, it was fun to watch, and fun to sit by Wes and chat through it.
Highlights of the last part were:
-as I had gotten on the computer here at home, to print my redemption code paper, he came up and found me at the computer, and stood real close to me and put his hand on my back and started kind of scratching my back a little. I think he had no idea, but I was loving it.
-Chatting in line waiting to get our passes, and at one point him stooping down, leaning against the wall like I was, and getting pretty close to me
-at the game, at one point he put his face right in my hair, and whispered in my ear, at which point I turned my face toward him, and our faces were pretty close, for having still not kissed. I mean, they were definitely touching.
-When he put his arm around my chair and touched my back (when I was leaned forward on my knees), to ask me more get-to-know-you questions. We do that a lot, or a least that day we did, waiting in line forever and at the game. It was fun.
-The girl doing our cards asking me if I wanted a "joint account" on his card, and both of us at first awkwardly not knowing what to say..I think more because we didn't know what that even meant, or why you would do a joint account on a Pass of All Passes. It turned out to be really funny, not awkward, but we decided not to do a joint account, because the benefits did not apply to us (he didn't get tubes or have a parking pass on his). Really funny though.
So after the game he brought me home, we hugged, and said see you at Stake FHE (Epcot night, with lots of different countries).
Saw him there, and at first went back to being in elementary, as I avoided eye contact and shyed away from him. I wanted him to see me and come over to me I think. But eventually I found him again in the room where our ward had the USA set up, and then we kind of went around together for a bit after that. Then he eventually left because the ppl he came with were leaving. But he made sure to come say and hug me goodbye. I was really hoping he would ask if I wanted to come over and watch a movie or something that night, but no such luck. It was good though, I had come with Liz, and when she brought me home, we chatted for a bit, like we always do, and then I did some stuff at home before going to bed way too late anyway.
SO. Since then, nothing. NOTHING. And not like it's been weeks or anything, I mean I saw him the day before yesterday. And I am not a needy person. But I just feel like I care more about him, and think more about him than he does me. When we are together, it is clear that he likes me. But when we are not physically together, it is very unclear. In fact, it seems like he doesn't care. And granted, it's still early in our relationship, but after this past weekend, I thought this issue would improve, I felt like we had grown a lot closer, or at least become a lot more comfortable and interested in each other. We are certainly more and more touchy, especially him, which was really great. I felt like we had made a lot of progress this weekend, and I decided by the end of it that I was okay with him kissing me now. I even got off ldssingles.com, and told a guy I couldn't go out with him because I had recently started dating someone. I mean, I felt like we were basically dating, after this last weekend.
And my plan was not to text him or anything this week, until he did, to just wait and see what he would do, in hopes that he would do better this week, after our great weekend. But so far, no cigar. I found a better deal for the Pass of All Passes today, and thought it was ironic, since I just bought one (at his suggestion and convincing on Monday, which wasn't hard, I almost bought one last summer). So I texted him about it, just as a comment in passing, thought it was funny, so I thought he would think it was funny, and surely comment back about it. But no. still hasn't.
So I don't know what to do or think. I have come to care about him, and I would love to know how his day is and how his week is going, and if he's traveling for work this week, but I feel like if I text and ask him these things, I'm just going to set myself up for feeling rejected, of sorts, like was the problem last week, because of his un-encouraging texts back, or even lack thereof. And again, it is clear he cares a lot about me when I'm with him, but it's when I'm not with him that almost means more, y'know? Is he just using me? Or does he really care about me and my life and how I'm doing? It's starting to worry and frustrate me. And this guy that I said no to this past weekend has subsequently found me on facebook, added me, and constantly messages me about going out with him, and how serious am I really, with this guy..? And I'm tempted to say yes after all, because besides when I'm with Wes, I don't feel like we are dating. And it's getting frustrating. I feel slightly used.
Things were so good this last weekend! We went out Valentine's Day, which I think I wrote about, and then Sat. I saw him at the Adonis church building, watching the girls' basketball. I went to watch our ward, and he was there, supposedly watching the other ward.. At that point I think I was slightly annoyed of him, I can't remember why. Maybe because I don't hear from him between dates much...? I don't know. But he definitely gave me attention at the game, and at one point was telling me about his game at the other building that he had to go to soon, and touched my knee as he said I could come to it, that I should, or whatever. So once again, clear that he likes me when I'm with him. I ended up playing in the end of our girls' game, because Bri had to go, and then they would have only had four players and would have forfeited, and they were winning. So after much convincing on everyone's part (Liz, Bishopric, Brittany Berg, Bri, Nina, and even Wes) I gave in. I'm not really a bball player, I haven't played competitively in years, and am not confident in the sport. But I didn't want them to forfeit, and I was their only option. I had shown up in work out clothes, so I was dressed (except this time I wasn't wearing shorts under my warm-up pants, just my running capris, b/c I was planning on going to the gym after). So as soon as I finally gave in and agreed to play, Wes was like, "I gotta stay and see this now." But in a good way.
So he stayed a few minutes and watched me, which made me even more nervous than I already was, to the point of getting a rebound once, being totally open to shoot it, but giving the ball to Brittany instead because I didn't think I could make it. Totally embarrassing. Whatever.
So after our game, Liz told me that Wes had told her to tell me how to get to the other church, and to tell me to come, or whatever. I was flattered that he really did want me to come, so I decided to go. We found it on my phone, and Liz decided to come with me. I love Liz, she is one of my favorite people ever. We both have the same issues we freak out about with boys, so it's great. We understand each other really well, and we are also good for each other, as far as advice too, I think.
So we went and watched him and chatted most of the time about me and Wes, and her and her dumb boy Ramon, who she works with, who won't ask her out again. They are perfect for each other, but he is being dumb. We also chatted about Augusto, who is absolutely in love with her. She introduced the Church to him, and he got baptized recently, comes to our ward, and is in love with her. She however, is not in love with him. So it's an ongoing saga, he just won't give up. It's cute, but kind of hard for her.
Anyway, Wes is pretty hot as a bball player. And I don't really use the word "hot." I enjoyed watching him. And he's not bad either, made free-throwing look easy. I just love a guy in gym shorts and a tshirt and athletic shoes. Mm. And watching a guy in his element is always very becoming.
After the game he walked out with us, and then walked me to my car and after chatting a minute on the way to my car, nervously invited me to a game night at his apt the next night (Sun.). I was nervous too, said yes, and then we said bye.
That night he was going to an RV expo at the South Town Expo Center with some friends (I thought it was just he and one friend, which is partly what moved me to do the following), but I was wanting to see him anyway, so I decided shortly after we parted ways at the church that I would text him later and see if he wanted to go grab some ice cream after his RV excursion.
Well, later came, I had looked up a couple ice cream places and when they close, and texted him. He texted me back a while later and said he was still with some friends, sorry, and that could we do it another time? I felt somewhat like an idiot, like I probably looked like I was just at his beck and call and didn't have any other life but wanting to be with him, and he had all these other things going on all the time.. but I played it cool and said no problem, that I'd just see him tomorrow.
So Sunday afternoon he called me, while I was VTing, and left a message telling me ppl were coming over at 6 pm, if I still wanted to come over for games, and that he would love it if I came.
Game night was a lot of fun, his sister and her husband were there (Marissa and Bobby--third time I've been around them), his roommates, Scott and Pat, and some other ppl from his ward came in and out. We played SmartyPants, which was really fun (trivia game), and which Wes rocked us all at, and then played Cities and Knights (of Settlers of Catan). I haven't played even Settlers for forever, so I couldn't even remember all the details of the original game, and then I was trying to learn all the additional rules of Cities and Knights, and I was lost for a good part of the game. Wes and I were on a team, which I quickly decided was a mistake, because he knew what he was doing, was strategizing, and I was just trying to remember how it all worked and what was going on. I feel like I faked it alright though, haha. And being distracted by his close presence next to me on the piano bench didn't help my focus either. But I loved being with him, he is very touchy, which I love, and he would touch my leg/knee every now and then, or my back or whatever. That was fun.
Then as he was walking me out to my car (at about 12:30 am! We played games for about 6 1/2 hours! ha!) I asked him what he was doing on his day off, for the holiday the next day (President's Day). He didn't know, but asked what I was doing (I was impressed with this). I didn't have much planned besides homework and what not, so he said "we should do something." I was even more impressed with this (I think because of the consecutive days thing), and said that would be fun. So after he rejected my idea of snow shoeing (he thought the snow would be too hard and frozen), he suggested maybe bowling. So we decided to go after I picked my parents up from the airport (they had been in Tuscon, AZ with Peter and Lindsay and kids over the weekend), I would call him and we'd go from there. We chatted some by my car, and after two good hugs, I left.
The next morning, first text I got, around 10 am, was from Liz, inviting me to go snow shoeing, with Tanner in our ward (not baptized, but comes frequently) and his sort-of girlfriend. Wendy started texting me about it too, and I kind of wanted to go. So long story short, after calling and talking to Liz about it, I called Wes, invited him, whereupon he suddenly remembered that he had told some friends he would go to the Grizzlies game that afternoon, and did I actually want to go to that? Ha. So after sounding a little unsure, because suddenly I was ditching the snow shoeing idea, which I had kind of gotten excited about, it was so nice outside that day! I said yes, and after convincing him that I was sure and that he hadn't ruined anything, we decided to go.
Another long story short (I've GOT to get back to my homework), I ended up buying a Pass of All Passes, which is how they were all getting in, and he came and got me, we went to the Sandy Fun Center, stood in line for an hour! to redeem them, grabbed some Taco Bell on the way, and headed to the Grizz game. We made it about 2/3 through. It was fun though, it was fun to watch, and fun to sit by Wes and chat through it.
Highlights of the last part were:
-as I had gotten on the computer here at home, to print my redemption code paper, he came up and found me at the computer, and stood real close to me and put his hand on my back and started kind of scratching my back a little. I think he had no idea, but I was loving it.
-Chatting in line waiting to get our passes, and at one point him stooping down, leaning against the wall like I was, and getting pretty close to me
-at the game, at one point he put his face right in my hair, and whispered in my ear, at which point I turned my face toward him, and our faces were pretty close, for having still not kissed. I mean, they were definitely touching.
-When he put his arm around my chair and touched my back (when I was leaned forward on my knees), to ask me more get-to-know-you questions. We do that a lot, or a least that day we did, waiting in line forever and at the game. It was fun.
-The girl doing our cards asking me if I wanted a "joint account" on his card, and both of us at first awkwardly not knowing what to say..I think more because we didn't know what that even meant, or why you would do a joint account on a Pass of All Passes. It turned out to be really funny, not awkward, but we decided not to do a joint account, because the benefits did not apply to us (he didn't get tubes or have a parking pass on his). Really funny though.
So after the game he brought me home, we hugged, and said see you at Stake FHE (Epcot night, with lots of different countries).
Saw him there, and at first went back to being in elementary, as I avoided eye contact and shyed away from him. I wanted him to see me and come over to me I think. But eventually I found him again in the room where our ward had the USA set up, and then we kind of went around together for a bit after that. Then he eventually left because the ppl he came with were leaving. But he made sure to come say and hug me goodbye. I was really hoping he would ask if I wanted to come over and watch a movie or something that night, but no such luck. It was good though, I had come with Liz, and when she brought me home, we chatted for a bit, like we always do, and then I did some stuff at home before going to bed way too late anyway.
SO. Since then, nothing. NOTHING. And not like it's been weeks or anything, I mean I saw him the day before yesterday. And I am not a needy person. But I just feel like I care more about him, and think more about him than he does me. When we are together, it is clear that he likes me. But when we are not physically together, it is very unclear. In fact, it seems like he doesn't care. And granted, it's still early in our relationship, but after this past weekend, I thought this issue would improve, I felt like we had grown a lot closer, or at least become a lot more comfortable and interested in each other. We are certainly more and more touchy, especially him, which was really great. I felt like we had made a lot of progress this weekend, and I decided by the end of it that I was okay with him kissing me now. I even got off ldssingles.com, and told a guy I couldn't go out with him because I had recently started dating someone. I mean, I felt like we were basically dating, after this last weekend.
And my plan was not to text him or anything this week, until he did, to just wait and see what he would do, in hopes that he would do better this week, after our great weekend. But so far, no cigar. I found a better deal for the Pass of All Passes today, and thought it was ironic, since I just bought one (at his suggestion and convincing on Monday, which wasn't hard, I almost bought one last summer). So I texted him about it, just as a comment in passing, thought it was funny, so I thought he would think it was funny, and surely comment back about it. But no. still hasn't.
So I don't know what to do or think. I have come to care about him, and I would love to know how his day is and how his week is going, and if he's traveling for work this week, but I feel like if I text and ask him these things, I'm just going to set myself up for feeling rejected, of sorts, like was the problem last week, because of his un-encouraging texts back, or even lack thereof. And again, it is clear he cares a lot about me when I'm with him, but it's when I'm not with him that almost means more, y'know? Is he just using me? Or does he really care about me and my life and how I'm doing? It's starting to worry and frustrate me. And this guy that I said no to this past weekend has subsequently found me on facebook, added me, and constantly messages me about going out with him, and how serious am I really, with this guy..? And I'm tempted to say yes after all, because besides when I'm with Wes, I don't feel like we are dating. And it's getting frustrating. I feel slightly used.
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