So many frustrations, I just want to get out of here so bad

So many thoughts and not enough time..I need to go to bed, I work in the morning..but I need to get a few things out.
I'm still struggling with life. Feeling better than I was a few days or a week ago. Things are better here at home, but still wish Mom and Dad would ask me about things, like to tell them what's on my mind. There's so much on my mind and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Sally and I were texting a little yesterday (Sunday), and I mentioned the weekend was hard, so she was going to call me last night, but then I was at work, so she told me to call her after work this morning if I felt like it, which I did. I was actually really looking forward to talking to her, and having a good listening ear and soundboard that I could talk to about all these things on my mind: the dating/being alone frustration and struggle, the thoughts I've been having about WHY I've been feeling this way and what has possibly led up to it, the Jamie frustration and dilemma, wanting to move but not sure where or when, the Taiwan option, coming down to Texas for a good stay in Oct., etc. And after we talked all about the Davidson reunion she just recovered from down there, she asked why the weekend was hard, and I started telling her about my frustrations and struggles with being alone right now, and how being with the family for the baptism and such this weekend just made it harder, and that I am so tired of being alone, etc, and I started crying, of course. And she listened for a few minutes as I vented and explained, and then as soon as I kind of stopped for a minute, she immediately started into asking if I've been taking care of myself. Have I been eating? Exercising? Getting sleep? I was so irritated by that. And then she suggested that maybe I have some depression, that it sounds like depression.
And I know that could be a possibility, but that is NOT what I needed to hear right then. Why does me being sad about things automatically mean I'm not doing something I should be? Maybe this trial is something that is legitimately hard to deal with..! I'm so frustrated about this. What happened to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort..? After she told me all about her frustrations with the reunion, I didn't immediately say, well maybe if you had been getting more sleep and exercising.. I just need a listening ear and some sympathy! That's all I want right now. I don't need anyone to fix me, I'm so sick of that. And I think one of the hardest parts of this conversation was that I was so hoping and planning that it would be such a needed conversation, and one that I felt so much better after. She was going to be my safe place, my sanctuary. And it definitely didn't turn out that way.
I've decided it's next to impossible to get someone who is married to understand what it's like, and how hard it sometimes is, to be this age and still single. And I feel like I need to lower my expectations and stop hoping someone in my family will try to understand me. Dad has done the best at this, surprisingly. And I've been very grateful. I feel like he's been my main ally through this recently. But even tonight, he asked me how I am, and I said okay, and that's about where we left that. And mom asked me if I was feeling better tonight, and I said..yes and no...and that's where that stopped too. I feel like Mom just wants me to be better, to be fixed. And she's not really sure what to do if I'm still not. Ask me HOW I'm doing! Ask me what's on my mind! I so wish someone would! Because like I've told them before and especially recently, I just want to be listened to, and I won't talk if I'm not asked, because I feel like no one cares enough to listen then.
I'm just so frustrated. And maybe I do have too high of expectations. Maybe I'm hoping for too much, wanting someone in my family to be what I need. But I don't know what else to do, who else to talk to. In Camille's defense, she's been better than some, but she's so busy with her kids.
I just wish I had someone to talk to. There's Jamie, but she always slightly irritates me. And we still talk sometimes, we talked a lot about dating and these frustrations we both have and about our life situations for a while yesterday during and after church, and that was nice, but other than that, I just don't have a lot of desire to talk to her or be with her a ton. She thinks it's because I just want to do my own thing right now. Which is partly true. But it's true because there's no one I really want to do anything WITH.
I've kind of decided too that I think I just need to start lying. Start faking it. Stop being so honest with people, and just fake that I'm fine. And maybe it will be true soon. And I will stop being disappointed when the family just doesn't react how I need them to.
And with that, I feel like maybe it would be best if I moved out, then I won't be disappointed when mom and dad don't ask me more how I am doing, and to talk about things. I just don't know where to start looking or anything. I wish I had a sister I felt comfortable moving in with right now.

That's about all for now. Need to get to bed.
I just wish I could get out of here. I'm annoyed by everything right now.

The best part of tonight was the fireside with President Featherstone, which is always good to hear him speak, he's amazing. And then talking afterwards with Katie Jenkins. She is someone I feel like I could talk to about anything. She is a great listener. I would love to live with her. I even kind of told her that, that she is someone I could live with. But she just told me tonight that she has cancer. Hodgkins Lymphoma. Found a lump in her armpit. Same as her sister had, but it's not supposed to be genetic. She is getting her 3rd session of chemo tomorrow. She'll probably shave her hair this week.  But wow, it must be so hard. But yeah, she is great to talk to.
Anway, I gotta go. Goodnight!

Life is a little hard right now.

I feel like things are changing. I'm getting older. Being single is getting harder. At least it has been the last two or three weeks. This has also caused a big rift here at home, with mom and dad. Mostly due to poor communication. Things are better there, Dad offered to listen to me yesterday and because I was desperate to be listened to, I took him up on it, and just vented about all my current frustrations of still being single, and being so tired of being alone, and being frustrated about how mom has reacted recently to my being unhappy about it all, even when I tried to talk to her the other night when she finally asked what was wrong (she and I communicate very differently, which has been hard at times throughout my life). He was so kind to literally just listen and let me rant and vent and cry and get it all out, and cry some more. I don't think I've ever really talked to him that much and that openly like that, and I am so grateful I got to, and that he was such a good listener. I didn't know he could be like that. And so understanding, which I was extremely grateful for too. He responded in exactly the way I've been needing so badly. With understanding and empathy. I worked the night before and went to Sac. Mtg. right after work and remembered it's fast sunday, and I normally would have fasted another Sunday, because I was eating throughout the night at work, but after Sac. Mtg., I went home to sleep, and I normally eat breakfast first, then shower and crash, but yesterday I decided to just fast the rest of the day, and I pleaded for a miracle that night, with Mom (things were still bad with her), and last night I felt like I got my miracle and then some, as talking to Dad was a huge blessing, and then later Mom came and talked to me and it was a better conversation than our previous two this weekend. Not perfectly what I hoped for, but I feel better about things, and have prayed and prayed to be able to forgive mom and let all this go and to like being around her again, and I feel like that prayer is being answered.

But I was at Camille's this afternoon and evening, and it was fun to be with the kids, and to catch up with her, and Taylor and Caitlyn came over for games, which I almost didn't stay for because I just kind of felt awkward, and I'm not in the most happy, confident, friendly mood still. But I did stay, and it was pretty fun. And plus Camille and I talked some more afterwards, which was good. But it honestly was hard to see her so happy with her family, and constantly doing so many fun things with the kids and her family, and she goes on a bunch of little hikes with the kids and stuff, and I secretly feel bad that she doesn't invite me to more things. She's invited Rosanna a couple times, and the other day she told me she wished she had invited me to the one the other day, and said so again today. And I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I already struggle with feeling like I always belong and fit in in my family, being single and with no kids. But to feel forgotten as well, that's hard. And I do sometimes, I feel like I get forgotten because I don't have a family of my own.

This being single just seems like it's getting harder. And hopefully it's just a thing I'm going through right now, and I'll be fine again soon. I don't want to be that unhappy single girl.

The other day, and even last night after talking and venting to Dad, I felt a lot more optimistic about life again. But today it's been hard again, and being at Camille's. I started crying on my way home in the car, and the thought came to get a blessing. But honestly, I don't want to, because I feel like in my last who knows how many blessings over the last few years, I feel like they all say the same thing about that part of my life, that the things I want most will be granted to me and such, something to that effect each time. But obviously it hasn't happened. And it's frustrating. And disappointing. So I don't even want to hear it. I told Heavenly Father the other day that I'm done asking for it because I'm tired of being disappointed. But that He knows I want it.

So that's kind of where I'm at right now.

Funny voicemail history. And the suckiness of dating right now. Oh, and the Narrows!

So I life has been good and bad lately. I have a pretty great life, minus one thing. A man. Most of the time I'm okay with it, and it doesn't get to me too much, but the last week or two it has been really frustrating and hard for me. Dating in general. Or the mostly lack thereof. I attract the less actives, and it has happened again. Or short guys who are active and great, but who I'm not attracted to. I can't win. And it's been getting me more down than usual lately.
But I was just going through my voicemails to delete a bunch, in hopes of having enough space on my phone to take a picture of the locations nearby where I can go apply for a passport (I might go to Taiwan with Rob and Meg in Oct, crazy!), and I just wanted to record the names of the guys who have left me voicemails in the past couple years, and what I have named some of them in my phone, ha:

(Mostly from oldest to most recent)
Kory Fleming (wasn't for dating purposes, I can't remember why he called, just said to call him)
Adam Reiser
Tinder Andy Smith (the guy I went ice skating at the Gallivan Center with for the first time, and who put his hand on my leg and then fell totally asleep with it still there, while watching a movie at his house, ha)
Andy Google Voice
Tinder McKay
Miguel
Darren Christensen (many)
Joel Anderson (love that kid, and his messages, always, haha)
Tinder Collin Urban Planning
Spencer Ring
Tinder Eric Smith
Tyler Riley

And that takes us to just the other day, with Tyler Riley's message. He is such a great guy, has his life in order, head on straight, good job, active in the Church, socially normal, funny, but he's my height. Maybe even a tiny bit shorter. Ugh. And I just don't feel attracted to him. Maybe if it were under more casual circumstances and I got to know him casually over time, but after our two dates, I just don't feel attracted to him. Maybe if he were taller. I just really have decided that I just really need someone taller than me, by like a few inches. I just really want to feel smaller than them.
Tyler even smells good too. Ugh. Why can't it work out..?
And Tinder Eric Smith is this guy who I AM finally physically attracted to, and he seems interested in me, we have a lot of the same interests, he's got a good job and is a good guy as far as I can tell (we've been out a couple times), but he's not active. Of course.
Again, can't win.
And I've been back on Tinder for the last month or so, which is how I met Eric Smith, and how Tyler found me, actually, but Tinder has turned out to be more disappointing and frustrating that usual this time around. The few guys who will message me don't message me for very long, and I don't know what I'm saying to make them stop. It happened again just this morning. It is so discouraging and frustrating. I might delete it here soon, just because it feels more discouraging than encouraging lately.

And the 4th of July is this Saturday, which is normally my favorite holiday, but I have no plans, don't really want to do anything with Jamie at this point, it's often hard to be with family on holidays because it reminds me so much of how single I am, and when I'm already feeling down about it this week..I may just volunteer to work.

But my life isn't all bad. On the up side, we went to the Narrows in Zion last weekend, and it was a blast! I had wanted to hike the Narrows for YEARS, and I finally got to do it! It was the perfect weekend, with perfect weather and conditions, fun people..it was so great! I would totally do it again! And I was worried about that. My love for camping increased a ton after that trip. Oh, and I bought and slept in a hammock for the first time ever, which wasn't actually ideal for sleeping, turns out, haha, but fun to try it! And definitely a space saver!

Boating with Matt Broadbent, SO FUN!!!

Today is Sunday, I worked last night, and I still feel half dead, haha. Partly from working and lack of sleep, but more from boating yesterday and being really sore in pretty much every muscle in my body. But it was sooo worth it. So fun!!

So Matt Broadbent, who knows Camille and Jake, and who I've become "friends" with by inviting him to trips we plan (Havasupai, Hawaii, the Narrows), but who can never come because of traveling for work, texted me Friday morning saying it was high time he invited me and friends along to something, and invited me to go boating with him on Sat afternoon. I was so flattered, but told him I didn't think it would work out  because I had to work Sat night (he said they'd probably get back around 7 pm), but thanks so much anyway! But then he surprised me and seemed to want to work it out so that I could come, saying there was likely someone coming later, and we could probably arrange a drop-off/pick up time.
So anyway, that ended up working out, and my friend, Chelsea Furniss in my ward and I went (Jamie was in ID with her family. Brandon, her brother just came home from his mission; and confession, it was actually really nice and refreshing to be with someone else, to be with Chelsea. I really like her.) and met them at Utah Lake, and it was such a blast! It was just five of us--Matt, two friends of his, Bryce Craven and Scott Christofferson, and then us, and then another girl, Rachel, joined us later. But the guys were all cool and nice and chill, and the girl was really cool too. It was so fun to be around guys like that, and to meet some new, nice ones! And so refreshing to have a fun social in-person interaction like that, haha. But seriously! Plus it was such a blast to be on the water. It was one of my best wakeboarding days ever, I think the water gods were with me, but I was able to go in and out of the wake a bunch, and even switch directions on the board mid-wakeboarding, which I've only ever  been able to do once a long time ago. And Matt had me play my music, which they seemed to like. I brought my iPhone cord and an auxillary cord so we could play music, and he has these really powerful speakers on his boat so we blasted music, which made it even more fun.
Chelsea and I left early, along with Scott too, but it was perfect. It was so fun. I rushed home and showered and got ready for work really fast and ran off, and the end of the night was pretty hard to get through at work, including having become increasingly sore through the night, and it being painful to move. And I was borderline dysfunctional by the end of the shift and was a little worried about driving home (I was fine). But it was all so worth it. SO worth it! Oh my goodness, it was such a blast.
And as far as the guys, turns out Matt isn't really my type, so no interest there, except that I hope he invites me again to go boating. :) But the other guys were cool too, and initially I thought Scott seemed more my type, but by the end, I was more into Bryce. We figured out he is the older brother of a guy I went to high school with, Spencer Craven, who I was never really interested in, but he and I were kind of always in the same group of friends, and he was a good looking, nice, and fun guy. But initially I thought Bryce didn't seem like someone I'd be interested in, but after talking to him for a bit in the front of the boat, I kind of changed my mind. He went to Olympus, which was fun to talk about. He graduated in '97 (ha!), so he's like almost Rosanna's age, but that didn't bother me. Lately I've kind of been feeling like older might work out better for me. Random, but I seem to attract older men. I always have. Ever since like right out of high school. For example, Paul would date me, he's 45. 46 now probably. Then there's Thomas, the cute black RT at work who gave me his phone number, and he told me he's 40, I think. Forty-something, maybe. Then there's Todd at work, who is married, but we get along really well, he's an attractive man, and likes to flirt, but he's in his 40's too. So not that I'm going to date any of these people, but it's just made me wonder if older would work better for me. So this guy, Bryce's 35, or whatever he is, didn't really bother me. He seems cool, and like a good guys. And Spencer, his brother, was always a good kid, I was on Seminary Council with him, I remembered last night. So he comes from a good family.
I invited both Bryce and Scott to the Narrows, and both of them sounded potentially interested, so I told them I'd send them the invite on FB. So I found them both last night and added them as friends, and looked around on Bryce's page a bit. Couldn't see much, but a few things. And normally, when I do that, it usually ruins my interest in the guy. So I try to avoid it. But there wasn't anything I saw that turned me off. He seems to be a really outdoorsy guy, good guy, not too into himself or anything. Seems to be fit, a runner, and just a fun, good, well-liked guy. So I would love to get to know him better. It would be awesome if he came to the Narrows with us. Or if he, y'know, asked me out or something...that'd be fine.

Tender Tinder is not so tender

So Tinder has turned out to be yet another source of discouragement, this time around. It always is, in a way, due to the dumb and trashy guys that are perpetually found on the app. But this time around, the discouragement came a lot quicker. It was fun and exciting and gave me something to hope for for a bit, but that turned quickly into frustration and discouragement when a few guys that seemed legit, like they were actually cool, nice, normal guys, messaged me, and then after I responded, never messaged back.
For example, this guy who looked cool, like someone I could go well with, had a BYU hat on with a CURVED brim in one picture, was tall, had good teeth, and in his little profile blurb said, "and don't worry, if we match, I'll be a man and message you first" which I was like, awesome, I'm all about that. So I liked him, and we matched, and then lo and behold, within probably twelve hours he messaged me, and said, "Hi Melissa! Where are you from?" And I was like, sweet! He's even good on his word! So I replied and said, "Hey, I'm from here in SLC, you?"
And then nothing. NOTHING. Nothing ever again.

The other message that was most frustrating this time was this guy who was tall and pretty cute, not one I was so hoping would message me, but seemed decent. But then with his message he became more attractive. He said, "I'm interested in you. You have a genuine smile and I would honestly love to get to know what makes you happy." I was so flattered. And it was so refreshing. What a sincere, honest message. So I wrote back and thanked him and said something like, "Hey, thank you, that's really nice of you. You seem like a good guy yourself, who I wouldn't mind getting to know as well. What makes me happy..lots of things.." And then I listed a few, like my family, good friends, good relationships, teaching, my job, feeling like I've made a difference in someone's day, etc. And then asked him a couple questions, like what had brought him to Utah. He had mentioned in his blurb that he'd been here for ten years. Anyway, I was excited about this guy. He was tall and cute, but seemed like he had a sort of quiet confidence and kindness that was attractive. But guess what. After that, never heard from him again. !!!

It makes me so mad! They get my hopes up for normal good guys still existing and that maybe they are one, and then those hopes get dashed! I just want to yell at these guys and say, "What do you want??!?! What are you looking for??? What did you want me to say?!?!?!" It's so annoying and frustrating. I'm pretty much over Tinder again already, and it's only been like two weeks or something since I got back on. Actually like a week I think. Not very long. This is record time that I'm getting Tindered out. Haven't even gone on a date and I'm Tindered out!

Updates. + back on Tinder..

A few updates on recent posts:
I gave Jeff a BOM a week or so after that conversation, and he gratefully took it. A few days after that I asked him if he'd read any of it, which he hadn't. Nor had he even read or seen my note inside the front. Ha. I told him to read the note. He said he did flip through the book though, which I told him was a good start. :) He said he'd read my note.

We got to the second night of our volleyball tournament, and had a real chance for a tshirt, but lost by THREE points in the last game that would have gotten us to the championship game. Ugghhh! Such a disappointment. It was a really good game though, and such a fun season! We're planning on playing again in the fall when the league starts up again.

It was about a month ago that I ran into Elder Adam Davies at the gym, and haven't seen or heard from him since, haha. I was really hoping to after that, he was really on my mind for a bit after that, and I added him on fb, invited him to the Narrows, looked through his fb stuff, and was then even more interested in getting to know him, he seemed like a great, normal, fun guy. But alas, haven't heard a peep from him or seen him again. I'm sure I will see him again sometime at the gym, but this week, I looked him up again, and I decided that I'm not actually that interested anymore. Not for any huge reason, and if he asked me out I would definitely say yes and would be excited, but just some things he has posted or what not made me think that maybe he's not my type after all. So no big deal.

I can't remember what else I had written about...oh my guitar class! That ended a couple weeks ago, but I loved it, and I learned so much! I'm definitely taking the next one in the fall. It also definitely has made me a better guitar player. I practice more, and I enjoy practicing even more. I like playing with Jamie more because I can keep up a little better, and have even been able to teach her some things. It's been so fun! I'm on my way to being that girls camp guitarist after all...(a legitimate bucket list goal of mine).

Haven't heard from Spencer at all since the last ending, thank heavens! I still kind of shudder at the thought. But since it all ended, I feel like I've gotten my life back. He really did a number on me and really affected me. Crazy. And crazy stressful and scary. "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten has been my I'm-done-with-Spencer song. Totally pumps me up and has helped me really move on and leave him and thoughts of him behind. I'm so grateful for my family for helping me through it, and I'm so grateful that experience is over. I still feel like it was a significant life experience that was meant to happen, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone or ever want to go through it again.

There are no other guys in my life. Not even any potentials. I've been on LDSMatchup.com for a little while, because I felt like I should get on it, and wanted something, but not Tinder. But it's turned out to be pretty lame. It's the Tinder for Mormons. That's its tagline. But it's kind of lame. Much less people on it. Less user friendly. I've chatted with a few guys, but nothing has come of any of them. No dates. One guy actually wanted to go out to eat and gave me his number and said I could give him mine, so I did, but then I never heard from him. Surprise, surprise.

Darren is back to texting me though. I was glad to hear from him the other day, because I was happy that he didn't hate me. But from things he asks me and says, I know he wants to see me still, or seems to have even wanted to talk to me on the phone the other night. Seemed like that's what he was getting at. But I just kind of avoid the situations. I don't know what else to do. He's too nice, I can't just ignore him. But I just have no desire to see him or do anything with him, really. I wish I did.

But speaking of Tinder, I just got back on tonight, actually. I haven't wanted to for a long time, since I got off after the Spencer drama. But lately I've been thinking more about it, and it seems a lot of people that I know have gotten married or are getting married or are dating from meeting on Tinder. So I've kind of wanted to give it another try, but then the thought of it, and of dating, and first dates, and trudging through the trash and the lame guys, just sounds so exhausting. So I've been very hesitant. I downloaded the app again a few days ago, but didn't set up a new account til just tonight. So we'll see what it brings. I'm being even more picky than before. So I swipe right on very few guys. Not very many seem real appealing to me. So yeah, we'll see.

But better go to bed, tomorrow (today) is Memorial Day, and I'm excited to do family stuff. And to go to Dylan's grave because I bought some Mario K'nex characters for all the kids to build, and then we're going to super glue them to these metal skewers I bought, and stick them in the ground at his grave. Excited for that.
Goodnight!

Good day

Today was a good day. I have the whole weekend off for Memorial Day weekend (I chose to work Labor Day weekend instead, between the two), so today, Saturday, I got up, went to the gym, ran 6 miles (which was the farthest I've run since my last half marathon I think, haha (I'm training for another half that's in..about three weeks, aaa..) ), came home and did some much needed cleaning (my bathroom, living room, the downstairs kitchen floor); mowed the lawn, and then headed out to Rosanna's, but stopped at a book signing of a BYU friend of mine. Actually she was my secretary when I was RS Pres. in Glenwood before my mission, Heidi Doxey, and she just published her first novel, and her book signing was just over in Sugarhouse, so I stopped by, got the book, and then went to the Kerrs' house. It was fun to see her though, and see her book! I'm totally excited to read it.

So yeah, then went to Rosanna's, which was really good. Probably the best visit I've had there since Dylan died. We had dinner, then Megan played with my hair, I did Rachel's nails, we all (except Steve) played this new game Simon got for his birthday called something Your Assets. It was fun!
Then it was bedtime, but I went up and hung out with the kids upstairs for a bit, looking at Simon's new Lego sets, and their Lego book with Megan and Simon. It was fun to be with the kids. Earlier in the evening I talked to them about if their friends at school knew about Dylan, and their feelings on that, and if they wished more kids at school knew and such. It was just good to be able to talk about those things, I think, and hear Simon and Megan's thoughts and feelings on those things. Hopefully good for them, but good for me too. I just worry about them, and lately I've felt like they probably need to talk about things more. I certainly am a talker, meaning I need to talk about things to work through them. And I figure I'm probably not that unique in that. Especially with something like losing your brother. Simon's doing pretty good, he misses Dylan, but he talks about the whole situation in a very matter of fact way, it's pretty funny actually. He's such a boy, haha. Megan is doing better than I think she has been, but I think it's messed with her emotions and mental state more than anyone else. She seems like she struggles with a depression-like mood sometimes, and feels more sad and down. I feel for her, and hope so much that I can be a good friend/aunt to her through this. I need to do better at that. I need to go out there more. I wish they lived a little bit closer to us so I could more easily go over there more. But I need to anyway. Rosanna is still struggling too. You wouldn't guess it, but she mentioned something yesterday about being functional again one day. I don't know how she goes on with such a good face on. She's amazing.

It just still feels surreal to me sometimes. All the time, really. It just still doesn't seem totally real that Dylan is really gone. And when I think about it, it makes me so sad very quickly. Which is why I don't know how Rosanna deals with it and is able to function at all.

But it was good to be there. I sure love those kids, Megan, Rachel, and Simon. And they love me, which I feel so grateful for and so blessed by. Simon hugs me, which means the world to me. Because the other boy grandkids don't just come up and hug me. Well, Caleb does, haha, love that kid. But the Merkley boys don't. Love them all though. So grateful for our family.