This week has been pretty great so far.
Work has been really good, had a couple really good and even fun shifts, working with fun people and such. As I'm getting more comfortable at work people are starting to see the crazy side of me, and they've been getting a kick out of it, ha. It's been fun.
Wendy, Jamie, and I went to Les Mis at Hale on Monday, which was incredible, and then we went to eat at Tucano's (the amazing and expensive Brazilian restaurant) after, using Jamie's birthday coupon from her birthday month. That was amazing too. I'd only been to Tucano's once before, with some mission friends in Provo once. So this was a lot of fun and tasted amazing. Wendy wasn't as into it all as we were, but it was still great (Wendy just hasn't been herself lately).
Got back on Tinder last weekend, Jamie and I both did when we were in St. George, just for fun while we were down there, to see what kind of guys were down there, but then we stayed on the app, of course, and I've had some fun, positive experiences with Tinder this week! I've had some good luck! So that's been fun, I have a date with a bald guy named Brandon tomorrow night, so that should be fun. He's been fun to chat with texting. And I think he's pretty attractive. I've thought bald guys, at least a lot of bald guys, are really good looking, for a while. Since I was in YW's, I can remember.
And I got a bunch of things done today that I've been wanting to, so yeah, it's been a good week so far! Life is good.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Sick, Keelan's sealing, still think about Andy
3/21/14
I've been sick for almost a week now, but slowly getting better, thank heavens. My throat is much better, now I just have this nasty cough and occassionally need to blow my nose. My right ear popped this morning! That was exciting. I can hear out of it normally again.:)
I mostly slept all day today, on the couch, with a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to eat lunch, ran the dishwasher, filled out my March Madness bracket, then went back to sleep, in hopes of getting better quicker so that I could work tomorrow..that is the plan, I'm planning on going in. I've called in sick three times this week, and I hate the thought of calling in again. So I'm just going to go and hope I'm okay. And also that I'm not contagious..
But tonight I went over to Camille's, Sally and the kids are still here from Dawn's wedding and Keelan's sealing (Joe had to go home a couple days ago), so I went over to hang out and have a "Frozen" party. I helped eat some of the pizza and dinner that was left when I got there (I slept later this afternoon and missed eating with them all), and then I cleaned up part of the dinner mess, and then was just around for bedtime routines, stories, etc. I sat on the couch with Camille as she read to Owen, which was really fun. I just love that little boy. With every page he would turn and look at me, to see my reaction or something, it was so cute. Then Ella came and joined us, crawling up on my lap. Then Camille took her kids to bed and I read Caleb and Ella another story (actually Christian came and read it for me), and it was so sweet to just sit there with those kids, reading a book. I just love all those kids so much. Owen, Caleb, and Ella like me the most I think, out of those two families, but I love them all. :)
I also still think about Andy a ton. I've been thinking about lots of good memories and good times with him lately, especially as I fall asleep. And more and more I can see us married. But even more, more and more I think it would be so fun to date again, after he's done with school (in about 5 or 6 weeks). But I don't know, we'll see. Jamie was over here last night, I gave her some Benedryl to help her sleep (she has a hard time sleeping a lot, and esp. the last couple nights), and we ended up talking a lot about things, like Andy, and the Pat situation for her. And we never have answers, but we always can come to two conclusions:
-Day at a time
and
-Time will tell
and that's what gets us through.
I've been sick for almost a week now, but slowly getting better, thank heavens. My throat is much better, now I just have this nasty cough and occassionally need to blow my nose. My right ear popped this morning! That was exciting. I can hear out of it normally again.:)
I mostly slept all day today, on the couch, with a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to eat lunch, ran the dishwasher, filled out my March Madness bracket, then went back to sleep, in hopes of getting better quicker so that I could work tomorrow..that is the plan, I'm planning on going in. I've called in sick three times this week, and I hate the thought of calling in again. So I'm just going to go and hope I'm okay. And also that I'm not contagious..
But tonight I went over to Camille's, Sally and the kids are still here from Dawn's wedding and Keelan's sealing (Joe had to go home a couple days ago), so I went over to hang out and have a "Frozen" party. I helped eat some of the pizza and dinner that was left when I got there (I slept later this afternoon and missed eating with them all), and then I cleaned up part of the dinner mess, and then was just around for bedtime routines, stories, etc. I sat on the couch with Camille as she read to Owen, which was really fun. I just love that little boy. With every page he would turn and look at me, to see my reaction or something, it was so cute. Then Ella came and joined us, crawling up on my lap. Then Camille took her kids to bed and I read Caleb and Ella another story (actually Christian came and read it for me), and it was so sweet to just sit there with those kids, reading a book. I just love all those kids so much. Owen, Caleb, and Ella like me the most I think, out of those two families, but I love them all. :)
I also still think about Andy a ton. I've been thinking about lots of good memories and good times with him lately, especially as I fall asleep. And more and more I can see us married. But even more, more and more I think it would be so fun to date again, after he's done with school (in about 5 or 6 weeks). But I don't know, we'll see. Jamie was over here last night, I gave her some Benedryl to help her sleep (she has a hard time sleeping a lot, and esp. the last couple nights), and we ended up talking a lot about things, like Andy, and the Pat situation for her. And we never have answers, but we always can come to two conclusions:
-Day at a time
and
-Time will tell
and that's what gets us through.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
A weekend with Andy, and saying goodbye, again
A quick summary of this past weekend:
Sally and Joe were here for Dawn's wedding, and they were staying in Orem for the weekend, along with some of Joe's family, and they asked me to tend their kids while they went to the wedding dinner friday night. So I texted Andy Friday morning just to get a feel for if he might want to see me (he hadn't initiated much texting in a week or more, he'd been sick, but still, I wasn't sure where he stood), and as we were texting he asked me what I was doing Sat. night. I said I actually wasn't sure, but that I was coming down that night and would he want to do something before or after I was done babysitting.
Long story short, I ended up meeting him at the Quarry and rock climbing with him, which was really fun, as always. When I first saw him, we hugged, and it was good. After climbing we hugged again (he had a blind date that night), and then we just stood there and looked at each other with our faces close. I think we were both thinking about the same thing (to kiss or not to kiss..), but didn't which was good. He had a date that night anyway.
I ended up going down the next night again, to join him and his roommates and friends for a potluck and game night. By the time it came to go down I was really anxious about things and didn't want to go (I was really tired and turns out I was coming down with something, I would soon figure out, by the end of the night), but I went anyway and it ended up being really fun!
I helped with dinner, brought some drinks (milk and chocolate milk), had fun chatting with Andy's married friend *whose name I forget) about careers and the option of nursing for him, dinner was amazing, and then games were really fun too. I was more able to be myself there with everyone than usual, I think because I had met pretty much everyone before already, and maybe because Andy and I weren't dating, so I just was hanging out.
By the end of the night there were only four of us left in the room and we threw on some YouTube videos, saw some really funny ones (the Feel Inside one that I love, and some Batman spoofs, etc.), and then Carlos took his date home and it was just Andy and I.
Andy and I had been on the Love Sac together throughout some of the games and then the youtube videos, and it seemed like he was trying not to touch me at times. I was a little bummed about that, but thought that's fine, if that's how he feels, that's okay.
Then when it was just us we just chatted for a while, just like two platonic friends who had not ever dated.. it was good, but kind of weird, ha.
Then I said I better head out, even though I didn't want to because 1) I was so comfortable and 2) I was so tired and 3) I liked being with Andy.
He walked me out to my car and he thanked me for coming and I hugged him goodbye. We kept hugging, then pulled apart, with our faces close, and just looked at each other and then down over and over. I don't think either of us knew what to do. Eventually our faces were touching and his lips slowly made their way to mine, and he started just gently kissing me. It was so sweet. So so sweet, and I loved it.
We kissed for a very short time and then stopped and just stood there with our faces against each other, and he was like, "What are we doing..?"
I was like, "I don't know..."
I asked him how he felt about things, about us, and he said he felt like we shouldn't be kissing if we weren't dating (bummer, ha). Then he asked how I felt. And I basically said "I don't know...I don't know. I keep going back and forth. Some days I can see us together, and then some days I still feel like maybe it's not right. But I don't know....I don't know.." I said a lot of I don't know's, which kind of then became a joke between us. But I didn't, I didn't know. I didn't know how I felt, what I wanted, what was right, what to do about things, about him.
We ended up going on a drive and just talking, talking about everything. We were both very open and honest, and both agreed that we really liked being together, and we both individually really wanted to be married, but that we both basically just didn't feel like it was right to date.
This was kind of a relief to me that he felt that way too. But also kind of a bummer.
We also talked about how then if this wasn't right (the he and I thing), that we'd both have to start over with someone else, and how that was the worst part. Talking about the same things, doing the same routine of starting to date someone. Ugh. We both dread it. I told him how it stinks because I felt like he and I had become so close, that I had told him things that I've told very few people (i.e. the amount of debt I'm in, some of my issues with my Dad, etc), and he said, "likewise." Which I'm guessing is things like his past pornography problem he had and has overcome (from ages 12 to 16. He's amazing.), maybe his issues with his dad, I'm not sure what else specifically. But we had been able to talk openly about a LOT of things over the past six months of knowing each other and dating off and on.
Eventually, as we were just sitting in my car, chatting (I had parked so I could just talk and not have to drive at the same time), he said something like, "We better get going, because the longer we sit here the harder it is for me not to kiss you." I liked that, it was flattering, but also sad. At the beginning of the drive, after he said he had been able to clear his head better (while not hugging/kissing me), he said he will not kiss me anymore, unless we are dating. I was a little bummed at that thought. But especially looking back, I'm grateful for him choosing that because it was the wise thing to do. I have so much respect for that kid, it's crazy. I so wish things could work out with us, he is so good.
Anyway, I took him home and got out to say goodbye, and thought it would be just a quick goodbye (really? Has it ever been?), but as soon as I hugged him I started crying. I felt like we were ending things/saying goodbye for more of a final time, and that was really hard. I had come to love Andy so much, as a person and as a really good friend. He has been so good to me. And I literally have maybe never met (definitely never dated) someone as good as him. Without a current pornography problem. Who treats me so well. Who is so good at asking me how I am. He is such a gentleman. He would always take care of me and our kids, I know he would. I trust him with my life. With my insecurities. With my body. With my flaws. I completely 100% trust him. And I have a legitimate fear that I will never meet anyone as good as him. It terrifies me.
And it practically killed me to let him go. We hugged for a good long time, he held me tight as I cried, comforted me, felt so bad that he was the reason why I was sad. We talked some more about things, not too much, mostly just hugged, held each other, I cried, and he kissed me some. Really sweetly at first. And then more. Kind of like one last good kiss, like this is it kind of a kiss. If we kissed like that all the time, probably not the most appropriate thing. But I felt okay about it, under the circumstances. I needed it. And this time, when I felt the very quiet, subtle prompting to slow down, I actually listened, and may have prevented things from getting out of hand. He kissed me very sweetly a few more times, as did I. It was really hard to let go and say goodbye. But it was really late and it was cold outside.
Eventually I left and drove home.
By the time I got home I felt awful, freezing, ill, I had definitely come down with something. I had felt a sore throat starting that afternoon by the time I had left the temple from tending Sally's kids during Dawn's wedding, but I can't help but believe it was for a reason that I felt okay throughout the evening with Andy. That maybe that night needed to happen. Cuz I have been so sick since then (today is Wed. night).
The next day, Sunday, I felt awful, sick-wise, but I was also kind of an emotional wreck. I missed Andy so much. So so much. I cried throughout the day. I didn't go to church because I was sick. But I went to an appt I had at 2:40 with Bishop Christensen because that was the second time they'd tried to schedule one with me. Plus it dawned on me that day that that would be a great opportunity to talk to him about the Andy thing, get counsel, and ask him for a blessing.
So I went, and cried a lot as I told Bishop about Andy. He told me some things I thought were odd and didn't really make sense (haha), but he also had some good points. Like:
Anyway, Jamie came overf after church and basically took care of me the rest of the day (Mom and Dad were in Parowan, and on their way back). I told her everything from the weekend and cried again about Andy, and how I was in turmoil over missing him so much but not feeling like we should date.
I texted Andy that night (Sunday) because as I had thought more about the night before, I had realized that I had kind of taken it upon myself to "end" things. That I had just kind of assumed, since that seemed to be the mutual consensus that neither of us felt right about dating, that that's what we had decided to do. When in fact we hadn't actually decided anything, I just decided to say goodbye, sort of. And I then felt really bad, and wondered if maybe I had ended things prematurely, and wondered what if or what he had wanted to do. So I texted him that and he told me that he had come to the same conclusion as me, about ending things, but that I had taken him by surprise when I had said goodbye :) But he said no worries, no apologies needed, and that he didn't think we should have much more of this conversation over text. And that did I have time tomorrow (Mon) to talk more about things.
I was happy at that thought and said I was so sorry, I didn't know why I had done that, that it just sort of happened. But that yes, I would love to talk, and to just let me know when.
Well, he never called, but it was okay, I was pretty sick most of the day, and I knew he was so busy with school and everything.
But the amazing thing was that that day (Monday), I had a complete change of heart, if you can call it that. I wish I had written down my exact feelings then, but I just had kind of a very confident, but peaceful feeling, that Andy wasn't the one. And that there is someone else. And I felt very peaceful about that. It was a complete 180 from the sadness I felt about him the day before. I was grateful, to say the least, and very grateful to not be so wrought with sadness, it is so hard to miss someone so much like that.
But now, a few days have passed, and I am starting to miss him again. Ugh.. Really? Can't I just stick with one feeling already?? But I do, and just writing about all this definitely makes me miss him. I still think he's probably not the one, which is okay, but I think I will always miss him, at least until I find someone else.
The night we said goodbye I told him I wanted him to know I loved him. It felt kind of weird to say it, I've never said that to a guy, but it was true and I wanted to have said it. He pulled me away from him so he could look at me and said, "We have a very special relationship. And I love you too." It was sweet.
But I do, I love that boy so much. He is amazing. And like I said, I have a legitimate fear that I'll never meet someone as good as him or who will treat me as well, and that scares me.
Anyway, I've got to go to bed so that this cough might have a chance at going away maybe and so I can possibly work tomorrow night.. (I've called in sick twice this week now.)
Goodnight
Sally and Joe were here for Dawn's wedding, and they were staying in Orem for the weekend, along with some of Joe's family, and they asked me to tend their kids while they went to the wedding dinner friday night. So I texted Andy Friday morning just to get a feel for if he might want to see me (he hadn't initiated much texting in a week or more, he'd been sick, but still, I wasn't sure where he stood), and as we were texting he asked me what I was doing Sat. night. I said I actually wasn't sure, but that I was coming down that night and would he want to do something before or after I was done babysitting.
Long story short, I ended up meeting him at the Quarry and rock climbing with him, which was really fun, as always. When I first saw him, we hugged, and it was good. After climbing we hugged again (he had a blind date that night), and then we just stood there and looked at each other with our faces close. I think we were both thinking about the same thing (to kiss or not to kiss..), but didn't which was good. He had a date that night anyway.
I ended up going down the next night again, to join him and his roommates and friends for a potluck and game night. By the time it came to go down I was really anxious about things and didn't want to go (I was really tired and turns out I was coming down with something, I would soon figure out, by the end of the night), but I went anyway and it ended up being really fun!
I helped with dinner, brought some drinks (milk and chocolate milk), had fun chatting with Andy's married friend *whose name I forget) about careers and the option of nursing for him, dinner was amazing, and then games were really fun too. I was more able to be myself there with everyone than usual, I think because I had met pretty much everyone before already, and maybe because Andy and I weren't dating, so I just was hanging out.
By the end of the night there were only four of us left in the room and we threw on some YouTube videos, saw some really funny ones (the Feel Inside one that I love, and some Batman spoofs, etc.), and then Carlos took his date home and it was just Andy and I.
Andy and I had been on the Love Sac together throughout some of the games and then the youtube videos, and it seemed like he was trying not to touch me at times. I was a little bummed about that, but thought that's fine, if that's how he feels, that's okay.
Then when it was just us we just chatted for a while, just like two platonic friends who had not ever dated.. it was good, but kind of weird, ha.
Then I said I better head out, even though I didn't want to because 1) I was so comfortable and 2) I was so tired and 3) I liked being with Andy.
He walked me out to my car and he thanked me for coming and I hugged him goodbye. We kept hugging, then pulled apart, with our faces close, and just looked at each other and then down over and over. I don't think either of us knew what to do. Eventually our faces were touching and his lips slowly made their way to mine, and he started just gently kissing me. It was so sweet. So so sweet, and I loved it.
We kissed for a very short time and then stopped and just stood there with our faces against each other, and he was like, "What are we doing..?"
I was like, "I don't know..."
I asked him how he felt about things, about us, and he said he felt like we shouldn't be kissing if we weren't dating (bummer, ha). Then he asked how I felt. And I basically said "I don't know...I don't know. I keep going back and forth. Some days I can see us together, and then some days I still feel like maybe it's not right. But I don't know....I don't know.." I said a lot of I don't know's, which kind of then became a joke between us. But I didn't, I didn't know. I didn't know how I felt, what I wanted, what was right, what to do about things, about him.
We ended up going on a drive and just talking, talking about everything. We were both very open and honest, and both agreed that we really liked being together, and we both individually really wanted to be married, but that we both basically just didn't feel like it was right to date.
This was kind of a relief to me that he felt that way too. But also kind of a bummer.
We also talked about how then if this wasn't right (the he and I thing), that we'd both have to start over with someone else, and how that was the worst part. Talking about the same things, doing the same routine of starting to date someone. Ugh. We both dread it. I told him how it stinks because I felt like he and I had become so close, that I had told him things that I've told very few people (i.e. the amount of debt I'm in, some of my issues with my Dad, etc), and he said, "likewise." Which I'm guessing is things like his past pornography problem he had and has overcome (from ages 12 to 16. He's amazing.), maybe his issues with his dad, I'm not sure what else specifically. But we had been able to talk openly about a LOT of things over the past six months of knowing each other and dating off and on.
Eventually, as we were just sitting in my car, chatting (I had parked so I could just talk and not have to drive at the same time), he said something like, "We better get going, because the longer we sit here the harder it is for me not to kiss you." I liked that, it was flattering, but also sad. At the beginning of the drive, after he said he had been able to clear his head better (while not hugging/kissing me), he said he will not kiss me anymore, unless we are dating. I was a little bummed at that thought. But especially looking back, I'm grateful for him choosing that because it was the wise thing to do. I have so much respect for that kid, it's crazy. I so wish things could work out with us, he is so good.
Anyway, I took him home and got out to say goodbye, and thought it would be just a quick goodbye (really? Has it ever been?), but as soon as I hugged him I started crying. I felt like we were ending things/saying goodbye for more of a final time, and that was really hard. I had come to love Andy so much, as a person and as a really good friend. He has been so good to me. And I literally have maybe never met (definitely never dated) someone as good as him. Without a current pornography problem. Who treats me so well. Who is so good at asking me how I am. He is such a gentleman. He would always take care of me and our kids, I know he would. I trust him with my life. With my insecurities. With my body. With my flaws. I completely 100% trust him. And I have a legitimate fear that I will never meet anyone as good as him. It terrifies me.
And it practically killed me to let him go. We hugged for a good long time, he held me tight as I cried, comforted me, felt so bad that he was the reason why I was sad. We talked some more about things, not too much, mostly just hugged, held each other, I cried, and he kissed me some. Really sweetly at first. And then more. Kind of like one last good kiss, like this is it kind of a kiss. If we kissed like that all the time, probably not the most appropriate thing. But I felt okay about it, under the circumstances. I needed it. And this time, when I felt the very quiet, subtle prompting to slow down, I actually listened, and may have prevented things from getting out of hand. He kissed me very sweetly a few more times, as did I. It was really hard to let go and say goodbye. But it was really late and it was cold outside.
Eventually I left and drove home.
By the time I got home I felt awful, freezing, ill, I had definitely come down with something. I had felt a sore throat starting that afternoon by the time I had left the temple from tending Sally's kids during Dawn's wedding, but I can't help but believe it was for a reason that I felt okay throughout the evening with Andy. That maybe that night needed to happen. Cuz I have been so sick since then (today is Wed. night).
The next day, Sunday, I felt awful, sick-wise, but I was also kind of an emotional wreck. I missed Andy so much. So so much. I cried throughout the day. I didn't go to church because I was sick. But I went to an appt I had at 2:40 with Bishop Christensen because that was the second time they'd tried to schedule one with me. Plus it dawned on me that day that that would be a great opportunity to talk to him about the Andy thing, get counsel, and ask him for a blessing.
So I went, and cried a lot as I told Bishop about Andy. He told me some things I thought were odd and didn't really make sense (haha), but he also had some good points. Like:
Anyway, Jamie came overf after church and basically took care of me the rest of the day (Mom and Dad were in Parowan, and on their way back). I told her everything from the weekend and cried again about Andy, and how I was in turmoil over missing him so much but not feeling like we should date.
I texted Andy that night (Sunday) because as I had thought more about the night before, I had realized that I had kind of taken it upon myself to "end" things. That I had just kind of assumed, since that seemed to be the mutual consensus that neither of us felt right about dating, that that's what we had decided to do. When in fact we hadn't actually decided anything, I just decided to say goodbye, sort of. And I then felt really bad, and wondered if maybe I had ended things prematurely, and wondered what if or what he had wanted to do. So I texted him that and he told me that he had come to the same conclusion as me, about ending things, but that I had taken him by surprise when I had said goodbye :) But he said no worries, no apologies needed, and that he didn't think we should have much more of this conversation over text. And that did I have time tomorrow (Mon) to talk more about things.
I was happy at that thought and said I was so sorry, I didn't know why I had done that, that it just sort of happened. But that yes, I would love to talk, and to just let me know when.
Well, he never called, but it was okay, I was pretty sick most of the day, and I knew he was so busy with school and everything.
But the amazing thing was that that day (Monday), I had a complete change of heart, if you can call it that. I wish I had written down my exact feelings then, but I just had kind of a very confident, but peaceful feeling, that Andy wasn't the one. And that there is someone else. And I felt very peaceful about that. It was a complete 180 from the sadness I felt about him the day before. I was grateful, to say the least, and very grateful to not be so wrought with sadness, it is so hard to miss someone so much like that.
But now, a few days have passed, and I am starting to miss him again. Ugh.. Really? Can't I just stick with one feeling already?? But I do, and just writing about all this definitely makes me miss him. I still think he's probably not the one, which is okay, but I think I will always miss him, at least until I find someone else.
The night we said goodbye I told him I wanted him to know I loved him. It felt kind of weird to say it, I've never said that to a guy, but it was true and I wanted to have said it. He pulled me away from him so he could look at me and said, "We have a very special relationship. And I love you too." It was sweet.
But I do, I love that boy so much. He is amazing. And like I said, I have a legitimate fear that I'll never meet someone as good as him or who will treat me as well, and that scares me.
Anyway, I've got to go to bed so that this cough might have a chance at going away maybe and so I can possibly work tomorrow night.. (I've called in sick twice this week now.)
Goodnight
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Missing Andy again. I know, I know.
I've been missing Andy more the last few days.
What is wrong with me??!?!
I can't believe how much I go back and forth.
He's been sick for the last week+, which I didn't know til the end of last week, and by Sunday I felt so bad because he wasn't getting better and felt terrible, and I told him (via text) on Sunday that if I hadn't had to work that night I was thinking of coming down to see him, because I felt so bad that he'd been so sick. That was putting my heart out there a little bit, because I didn't know how he would respond. I figured, or hoped, that he would say something encouraging like, "I would have loved that:)" or "that would have been so great" or something. But all I got was a "That is kind of you :)" And then he continued our conversation. I was at work at the time and was a little bummed about his response! I didn't then and I still don't know how to interpret it (which yes, later I realized I should have just said, "now how would you have felt about that, that is the question", but by the time I thought to actually ask him, the moment was gone.). Was he just being polite but trying not to come right out and say it's good that I didn't come? Or was he hinting that he would have liked that?
You'd think after all this time and all that we've been through, and that he missed me like I missed him before, I wouldn't question. But I do! Maybe he's met someone else, or just feels like he needs to let me go. And that would be okay, I mean, it would be hard I think, but I would just like to know, if that is the case, so I can stop thinking about him like this.
So yeah, it seems like he's been texting me less and such lately. At least initiating less. And I had been crediting that to him being sick. But I'm starting to wonder if he is just purposely trying to distance himself, for whatever reason.
And I don't know if it is because of that and the dumb human nature to want what you can't have that has made me miss him and want him more lately, or what. But I've definitely been thinking about him more today and yesterday, and would love to see him. I daydream at work about him showing up there, and what a romantic moment it could be.. okay that's embarrassing that I just confessed that. I sound like a twelve year old girl.
Anyway, and I don't know if it's him that I miss, or I just miss being held, and wanted, and kissed. I do miss those things. But I think I do miss him too. I like him for him, in addition to how well he treated me.
Also, I've suddenly been thinking more about our upcoming family reunion in Bear Lake in July. I'm way excited about it, and about all things summer right now, but I can't tell you how badly I want to be able to take a boy with me. I don't think I can hope for a husband to take, at this point, but a boyfriend. Someone I am dating. I want to have someone there with me so bad.
And in the past I have been planning on, and have even said--somewhat jokingly, but also serious--that I'm either taking a guy or Jamie, but I'm taking someone. Win win.
But as of the last couple days, I don't want to take Jamie. Not because I don't love her, I do. But I just really want to have a guy there with me. Someone that I really like. That would be so fun and amazing. I just want to find that person and get married so bad. And I go through phases, but right now I feel so done with girls, and I just want my boy.
But so bad I want to take a guy with me to Bear Lake. At this point I feel like my best bets are either Andy--if we are still going like this at that point, I would love to invite him, I think that would be so fun, and it would be a great opportunity to get to know him better and see him with my family a lot and continue to pursue if I want to be serious with him--and Kory Fleming. He's a bum and doesn't seem to be too committed to dating or wanting to get married right now. At least he doesn't act like it. But we get along really well and he is a really great guy and very attractive to me, despite his being pretty much the same height as me (I think I'm destined to marry someone not tall.). Plus he will have just run Ragnar with us a couple weeks before, and who knows what could happen in a van with someone for two days..ha.
And so that is my new goal. To have a guy with me at Bear Lake. And I have til July. Four months.
What is wrong with me??!?!
I can't believe how much I go back and forth.
He's been sick for the last week+, which I didn't know til the end of last week, and by Sunday I felt so bad because he wasn't getting better and felt terrible, and I told him (via text) on Sunday that if I hadn't had to work that night I was thinking of coming down to see him, because I felt so bad that he'd been so sick. That was putting my heart out there a little bit, because I didn't know how he would respond. I figured, or hoped, that he would say something encouraging like, "I would have loved that:)" or "that would have been so great" or something. But all I got was a "That is kind of you :)" And then he continued our conversation. I was at work at the time and was a little bummed about his response! I didn't then and I still don't know how to interpret it (which yes, later I realized I should have just said, "now how would you have felt about that, that is the question", but by the time I thought to actually ask him, the moment was gone.). Was he just being polite but trying not to come right out and say it's good that I didn't come? Or was he hinting that he would have liked that?
You'd think after all this time and all that we've been through, and that he missed me like I missed him before, I wouldn't question. But I do! Maybe he's met someone else, or just feels like he needs to let me go. And that would be okay, I mean, it would be hard I think, but I would just like to know, if that is the case, so I can stop thinking about him like this.
So yeah, it seems like he's been texting me less and such lately. At least initiating less. And I had been crediting that to him being sick. But I'm starting to wonder if he is just purposely trying to distance himself, for whatever reason.
And I don't know if it is because of that and the dumb human nature to want what you can't have that has made me miss him and want him more lately, or what. But I've definitely been thinking about him more today and yesterday, and would love to see him. I daydream at work about him showing up there, and what a romantic moment it could be.. okay that's embarrassing that I just confessed that. I sound like a twelve year old girl.
Anyway, and I don't know if it's him that I miss, or I just miss being held, and wanted, and kissed. I do miss those things. But I think I do miss him too. I like him for him, in addition to how well he treated me.
Also, I've suddenly been thinking more about our upcoming family reunion in Bear Lake in July. I'm way excited about it, and about all things summer right now, but I can't tell you how badly I want to be able to take a boy with me. I don't think I can hope for a husband to take, at this point, but a boyfriend. Someone I am dating. I want to have someone there with me so bad.
And in the past I have been planning on, and have even said--somewhat jokingly, but also serious--that I'm either taking a guy or Jamie, but I'm taking someone. Win win.
But as of the last couple days, I don't want to take Jamie. Not because I don't love her, I do. But I just really want to have a guy there with me. Someone that I really like. That would be so fun and amazing. I just want to find that person and get married so bad. And I go through phases, but right now I feel so done with girls, and I just want my boy.
But so bad I want to take a guy with me to Bear Lake. At this point I feel like my best bets are either Andy--if we are still going like this at that point, I would love to invite him, I think that would be so fun, and it would be a great opportunity to get to know him better and see him with my family a lot and continue to pursue if I want to be serious with him--and Kory Fleming. He's a bum and doesn't seem to be too committed to dating or wanting to get married right now. At least he doesn't act like it. But we get along really well and he is a really great guy and very attractive to me, despite his being pretty much the same height as me (I think I'm destined to marry someone not tall.). Plus he will have just run Ragnar with us a couple weeks before, and who knows what could happen in a van with someone for two days..ha.
And so that is my new goal. To have a guy with me at Bear Lake. And I have til July. Four months.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Answer to prayer
I worked last night and it was a good shift. Nothing too crazy, just steady busy most of the night. The highlight was this morning, after shift change I stood in the hallway outside a pt's room and chatted with my friend, Colleen, who is an HCA (CNA). We've become good friends, and she has a LOT on her plate. I really REALLY wanted to share the Gospel with her, but learned a few weeks ago she is LDS, but has taken her name off the Church records. I was sad to hear that, but happy to hear that she used to be a member. Since then I've been praying and even fasted on Sunday (part of my fast) to have an opportunity to help her want to come back to church. She needs the blessings of living the Gospel so badly in her life.
So today we chatted for probably a good 15 to 20 min between shift s. She was coming on and I was going off, and it was a great conversation. She was able to vent to me, talked about a lot of the same things I've heard her talk about, but she is very justified in needing to re-hash it. She has been dealt a hard hand. Her ex-not husband, but "ex," as she calls him, has kidnapped their four-year-old a few months ago, and won't bring her back. They have joint custody, and it's a really complicated situation why she can't just take him to court, etc. It's expensive, and though she'd probably win, he has threatened to hurt her if she ever took him to court. So she lives in fear and worry for her little girl, knows they're probably in CA, but doesn't really know for sure, and just has to keep living her life. She also has two teenage girls and is remarried to a good man. But this "ex" has just made her life kind of a living hell, including driving her to bankruptcy.
Anyway, she is such a good person and needs these blessings, and we have developed a good relationship.
So yesterday was my fast and I think about her and pray about her all the time, and today toward the end of our conversation it turned naturally to the church, she said she didn't know if I was LDS, but.. and I definitely clarified that I was, and eventually I was able to ask her (and this is what I was hoping to be able to ask her, to get a feel for how she felt about the Church now) if she'd ever considered going back to church at all. She surprisingly said yes, she'd considered it a ton of times, but says she just can't do it. Or couldn't do it, or something. Anyway, I was so happy to hear that because I feel like she is open to feeling comfort from the Gospel, open to possibly going back, if she had a little more encouragment and support.
So that is the open door I have been hoping and praying for. So my plan is to email her (we rarely actually work together these days, mostly just see each other in passing, ha) with my testimony and maybe a talk to read, or some scriptures I feel like will help her, etc. So we'll see. But I'm so grateful for the chance we had to chat today, and for where the conversation went and how it went. And I know that it was completely because of Heavenly Father. It was all Him, I know it. Because that's what I've been praying for. And I'm so grateful for His hand in that happening today.
So today we chatted for probably a good 15 to 20 min between shift s. She was coming on and I was going off, and it was a great conversation. She was able to vent to me, talked about a lot of the same things I've heard her talk about, but she is very justified in needing to re-hash it. She has been dealt a hard hand. Her ex-not husband, but "ex," as she calls him, has kidnapped their four-year-old a few months ago, and won't bring her back. They have joint custody, and it's a really complicated situation why she can't just take him to court, etc. It's expensive, and though she'd probably win, he has threatened to hurt her if she ever took him to court. So she lives in fear and worry for her little girl, knows they're probably in CA, but doesn't really know for sure, and just has to keep living her life. She also has two teenage girls and is remarried to a good man. But this "ex" has just made her life kind of a living hell, including driving her to bankruptcy.
Anyway, she is such a good person and needs these blessings, and we have developed a good relationship.
So yesterday was my fast and I think about her and pray about her all the time, and today toward the end of our conversation it turned naturally to the church, she said she didn't know if I was LDS, but.. and I definitely clarified that I was, and eventually I was able to ask her (and this is what I was hoping to be able to ask her, to get a feel for how she felt about the Church now) if she'd ever considered going back to church at all. She surprisingly said yes, she'd considered it a ton of times, but says she just can't do it. Or couldn't do it, or something. Anyway, I was so happy to hear that because I feel like she is open to feeling comfort from the Gospel, open to possibly going back, if she had a little more encouragment and support.
So that is the open door I have been hoping and praying for. So my plan is to email her (we rarely actually work together these days, mostly just see each other in passing, ha) with my testimony and maybe a talk to read, or some scriptures I feel like will help her, etc. So we'll see. But I'm so grateful for the chance we had to chat today, and for where the conversation went and how it went. And I know that it was completely because of Heavenly Father. It was all Him, I know it. Because that's what I've been praying for. And I'm so grateful for His hand in that happening today.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
What will happen with Andy
So that day with Andy, that fun Saturday, was two weeks ago. And I've planned on seeing him again, likely doing something with him, I figured we may even date again at some point. We both clearly still feel strongly towards each other.
And since then I've thought about him a ton, I think about him all the time. And I've spent a lot of time considering our lives together, picturing being married to him, and some days I really feel like it could work, and that I really want that. Other times I feel like it just isn't right, and wonder if I want to marry him just because I want to be married? Or because I know he would treat me so well and touch me and love me how I really want to be loved. I would so love that part of our relationship and marriage if we got married. But then there's the slight personality differences that are always in the back of my mind, and I wonder if on the hard days, when we have no money, or we're driving across the country with screaming kids in the back, and we don't have time to be romantic, would I still love being with him and spending time with him. I don't know. And those are the thoughts that scare me, as far as considering marrying him. One reason I really like being with him and miss him is because I know he likes me and likes being with me and touching me and kissing me. It is so nice to feel wanted. It has been rare in my life to feel like that by a guy. And by one who isn't afraid to show it or to hold me or touch me or grab my hand. I love that about Andy. And I want that so bad in who I marry. So he's got that down, and that's huge.
But then there are those other things, the personality differences. And also the physical looks. I don't think about it in a shallow way, and sometimes I find him more physically attractive than others, but I'm just not super physically attracted to him. And he has become more attractive to me, especially lately, as our relationship has become more real and less superficial. As we haven't seen each other and really just text frequently, asking about each other's days, etc. This is why I've missed him. We've developed a real relationship, I feel. And one that I feel like could last. Which brings me back to considering the real possibility of marrying him.
And I've missed him and have really kind of been hoping that he might want to do something this weekend. But as far as texting, I hadn't heard from him since Tues, and so I texted him last night (Fri night) and just asked how his week has gone, and if he is surviving (school and what not. He is so sick of school). He never responded last night, but did this morning. He got sick this week, which I felt bad about, and felt bad that I didn't text him earlier in the week, being sick sucks. I wish I would have known. But he says he's on the mend though.
But yesterday I kind of had this change of heart? about him. I pray all the time to continue to be lead to know what to do and how to feel about him, and if we should date again, etc. And I kind of had a somewhat distinct feeling yesterday that he is not the one. That he and I were supposed to date and he has been a huge blessing in my life, for multiple reasons, but that he's not the person I will marry. And that kind of brought a tiny feeling of relief. I'm not sure if that was an answer, or if it's just me continuing to go back and forth, but I was able to picture myself with, say someone like Aaron Hammond (man, I wish he would date me), and the thought is easy. He, or someone like him, has more a personality I feel like is very natural for me to be around and like to be with.
But then today, as I'm typing this, the thought of not being with Andy is sad. We've created such a good friendship I feel like, that 1)the thought of starting over with someone else stinks; and 2) I will miss Andy. The thought of not staying in touch with him or being with him anymore is sad. I care about him, and it may just not be right, and there's not a lot you can do about that, and I think if it's not right between us, we'll both still know it and it will be okay, but I'll miss him and the real, mature friendship we've developed.
So we'll see. Time will continue to tell. And I would be lying if I said that I'd say no if he wanted to do something again. Like tonight.
And since then I've thought about him a ton, I think about him all the time. And I've spent a lot of time considering our lives together, picturing being married to him, and some days I really feel like it could work, and that I really want that. Other times I feel like it just isn't right, and wonder if I want to marry him just because I want to be married? Or because I know he would treat me so well and touch me and love me how I really want to be loved. I would so love that part of our relationship and marriage if we got married. But then there's the slight personality differences that are always in the back of my mind, and I wonder if on the hard days, when we have no money, or we're driving across the country with screaming kids in the back, and we don't have time to be romantic, would I still love being with him and spending time with him. I don't know. And those are the thoughts that scare me, as far as considering marrying him. One reason I really like being with him and miss him is because I know he likes me and likes being with me and touching me and kissing me. It is so nice to feel wanted. It has been rare in my life to feel like that by a guy. And by one who isn't afraid to show it or to hold me or touch me or grab my hand. I love that about Andy. And I want that so bad in who I marry. So he's got that down, and that's huge.
But then there are those other things, the personality differences. And also the physical looks. I don't think about it in a shallow way, and sometimes I find him more physically attractive than others, but I'm just not super physically attracted to him. And he has become more attractive to me, especially lately, as our relationship has become more real and less superficial. As we haven't seen each other and really just text frequently, asking about each other's days, etc. This is why I've missed him. We've developed a real relationship, I feel. And one that I feel like could last. Which brings me back to considering the real possibility of marrying him.
And I've missed him and have really kind of been hoping that he might want to do something this weekend. But as far as texting, I hadn't heard from him since Tues, and so I texted him last night (Fri night) and just asked how his week has gone, and if he is surviving (school and what not. He is so sick of school). He never responded last night, but did this morning. He got sick this week, which I felt bad about, and felt bad that I didn't text him earlier in the week, being sick sucks. I wish I would have known. But he says he's on the mend though.
But yesterday I kind of had this change of heart? about him. I pray all the time to continue to be lead to know what to do and how to feel about him, and if we should date again, etc. And I kind of had a somewhat distinct feeling yesterday that he is not the one. That he and I were supposed to date and he has been a huge blessing in my life, for multiple reasons, but that he's not the person I will marry. And that kind of brought a tiny feeling of relief. I'm not sure if that was an answer, or if it's just me continuing to go back and forth, but I was able to picture myself with, say someone like Aaron Hammond (man, I wish he would date me), and the thought is easy. He, or someone like him, has more a personality I feel like is very natural for me to be around and like to be with.
But then today, as I'm typing this, the thought of not being with Andy is sad. We've created such a good friendship I feel like, that 1)the thought of starting over with someone else stinks; and 2) I will miss Andy. The thought of not staying in touch with him or being with him anymore is sad. I care about him, and it may just not be right, and there's not a lot you can do about that, and I think if it's not right between us, we'll both still know it and it will be okay, but I'll miss him and the real, mature friendship we've developed.
So we'll see. Time will continue to tell. And I would be lying if I said that I'd say no if he wanted to do something again. Like tonight.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Sweet email from Jamie after her birthday weekend trip, 3/2/14; and my response 3/4
Melissa Melissa,
Just thought you could use an e-mail to help get you through the work shift tonight :) I hope you have the energy you need and that it goes by quickly. I'm so sorry if you are incredibly tired.
Love,
Jaimo
(Jamie,)
Thank you so much for this email. I actually didn't see it until after work and sleeping today, ironically. But this email is so special to me for so many reasons. You have been blessed with the gift and ability and desire to tell people how you feel about them and share your love for them (at least with me, I'm assuming I'm not the only one who has been blessed by this quality you have), and it is significant. It is so appreciated and cherished, letters and notes like this from you, and you continue to make me want to be more like that.
But even more so, thank you for the things you said. They mean so much. It means the world that you wanted me there with you so much..I can't even tell you. And I'm so so glad I got to come! Seriously such a fun weekend, and for the same reason, because I just got to spend the whole thing with you, just hanging out, with nothing to worry about. That was the best. A serious vacation.:)
And yeah, I was bummed I couldn't come last night, but I gotta share you with others sometimes..:) I'm glad it was fun though, you need more reminders like that that people love you. Lots of people.
But I just love you and love being with you. Sometimes I wish we could just hang out all day all the time, ha. But alas, real life calls. But we sure are good at making awesome memories in between all that real life, that's for sure.
Anyway, sleep good, good luck at work, I wish I could do something to help you be not so tired tomorrow, because I know that's coming..:/ and good luck in your game!! Wish I could be there too!
Love you!
Melissa
(Jamie,)
Thank you so much for this email. I actually didn't see it until after work and sleeping today, ironically. But this email is so special to me for so many reasons. You have been blessed with the gift and ability and desire to tell people how you feel about them and share your love for them (at least with me, I'm assuming I'm not the only one who has been blessed by this quality you have), and it is significant. It is so appreciated and cherished, letters and notes like this from you, and you continue to make me want to be more like that.
But even more so, thank you for the things you said. They mean so much. It means the world that you wanted me there with you so much..I can't even tell you. And I'm so so glad I got to come! Seriously such a fun weekend, and for the same reason, because I just got to spend the whole thing with you, just hanging out, with nothing to worry about. That was the best. A serious vacation.:)
And yeah, I was bummed I couldn't come last night, but I gotta share you with others sometimes..:) I'm glad it was fun though, you need more reminders like that that people love you. Lots of people.
But I just love you and love being with you. Sometimes I wish we could just hang out all day all the time, ha. But alas, real life calls. But we sure are good at making awesome memories in between all that real life, that's for sure.
Anyway, sleep good, good luck at work, I wish I could do something to help you be not so tired tomorrow, because I know that's coming..:/ and good luck in your game!! Wish I could be there too!
Love you!
Melissa
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