What will happen with Andy

So that day with Andy, that fun Saturday, was two weeks ago. And I've planned on seeing him again, likely doing something with him, I figured we may even date again at some point. We both clearly still feel strongly towards each other.

And since then I've thought about him a ton, I think about him all the time. And I've spent a lot of time considering our lives together, picturing being married to him, and some days I really feel like it could work, and that I really want that. Other times I feel like it just isn't right, and wonder if I want to marry him just because I want to be married? Or because I know he would treat me so well and touch me and love me how I really want to be loved. I would so love that part of our relationship and marriage if we got married. But then there's the slight personality differences that are always in the back of my mind, and I wonder if on the hard days, when we have no money, or we're driving across the country with screaming kids in the back, and we don't have time to be romantic, would I still love being with him and spending time with him. I don't know. And those are the thoughts that scare me, as far as considering marrying him. One reason I really like being with  him and miss him is because I know he likes me and likes being with me and touching me and kissing me. It is so nice to feel wanted. It has been rare in my life to feel like that by a guy. And by one who isn't afraid to show it or to hold me or touch me or grab my hand. I love that about Andy. And I want that so bad in who I marry. So he's got that down, and that's huge.

But then there are those other things, the personality differences. And also the physical looks. I don't think about it in a shallow way, and sometimes I find him more physically attractive than others, but I'm just not super physically attracted to him. And he has become more attractive to me, especially lately, as our relationship has become more real and less superficial. As we haven't seen each other and really just text frequently, asking about each other's days, etc. This is why I've missed him. We've developed a real relationship, I feel. And one that I feel like could last. Which brings me back to considering the real possibility of marrying him.

And I've missed him and have really kind of been hoping that he might want to do something this weekend. But as far as texting, I hadn't heard from him since Tues, and so I texted him last night (Fri night) and just asked how his week has gone, and if he is surviving (school and what not. He is so sick of school). He never responded last night, but did this morning. He got sick this week, which I felt bad about, and felt bad that I didn't text him earlier in the week, being sick sucks. I wish I would have known. But he says he's on the mend though.

But yesterday I kind of had this change of heart? about him. I pray all the time to continue to be lead to know what to do and how to feel about him, and if we should date again, etc. And I kind of had a somewhat distinct feeling yesterday that he is not the one. That he and I were supposed to date and he has been a huge blessing in my life, for multiple reasons, but that he's not the person I will marry. And that kind of brought a tiny feeling of relief. I'm not sure if that was an answer, or if it's just me continuing to go back and forth, but I was able to picture myself with, say someone like Aaron Hammond (man, I wish he would date me), and the thought is easy. He, or someone like him, has more a personality I feel like is very natural for me to be around and like to be with.

But then today, as I'm typing this, the thought of not being with Andy is sad. We've created such a good friendship I feel like, that 1)the thought of starting over with someone else stinks; and 2) I will miss Andy. The thought of not staying in touch with him or being with him anymore is sad. I care about him, and it may just not be right, and there's not a lot you can do about that, and I think if it's not right between us, we'll both still know it and it will be okay, but I'll miss him and the real, mature friendship we've developed.

So we'll see. Time will continue to tell. And I would be lying if I said that I'd say no if he wanted to do something again. Like tonight.