A weekend with Andy, and saying goodbye, again

A quick summary of this past weekend:
Sally and Joe were here for Dawn's wedding, and they were staying in Orem for the weekend, along with some of Joe's family, and they asked me to tend their kids while they went to the wedding dinner friday night. So I texted Andy Friday morning just to get a feel for if he might want to see me (he hadn't initiated much texting in a week or more, he'd been sick, but still, I wasn't sure where he stood), and as we were texting he asked me what I was doing Sat. night. I said I actually wasn't sure, but that I was coming down that night and would he want to do something before or after I was done babysitting.
Long story short, I ended up meeting him at the Quarry and rock climbing with him, which was really fun, as always. When I first saw him, we hugged, and it was good. After climbing we hugged again (he had a blind date that night), and then we just stood there and looked at each other with our faces close. I think we were both thinking about the same thing (to kiss or not to kiss..), but didn't which was good. He had a date that night anyway.
I ended up going down the next night again, to join him and his roommates and friends for a potluck and game night. By the time it came to go down I was really anxious about things and didn't want to go (I was really tired and turns out I was coming down with something, I would soon figure out, by the end of the night), but I went anyway and it ended up being really fun!
I helped with dinner, brought some drinks (milk and chocolate milk), had fun chatting with Andy's married friend *whose name I forget) about careers and the option of nursing for him, dinner was amazing, and then games were really fun too. I was more able to be myself there with everyone than usual, I think because I had met pretty much everyone before already, and maybe because Andy and I weren't dating, so I just was hanging out.
By the end of the night there were only four of us left in the room and we threw on some YouTube videos, saw some really funny ones (the Feel Inside one that I love, and some Batman spoofs, etc.), and then Carlos took his date home and it was just Andy and I.
Andy and I had been on the Love Sac together throughout some of the games and then the youtube videos, and it seemed like he was trying not to touch me at times. I was a little bummed about that, but thought that's fine, if that's how he feels, that's okay.
Then when it was just us we just chatted for a while, just like two platonic friends who had not ever dated.. it was good, but kind of weird, ha.
Then I said I better head out, even though I didn't want to because 1) I was so comfortable and 2) I was so tired and 3) I liked being with Andy.
He walked me out to my car and he thanked me for coming and I hugged him goodbye. We kept hugging, then pulled apart, with our faces close, and just looked at each other and then down over and over. I don't think either of us knew what to do. Eventually our faces were touching and his lips slowly made their way to mine, and he started just gently kissing me. It was so sweet. So so sweet, and I loved it.
We kissed for a very short time and then stopped and just stood there with our faces against each other, and he was like, "What are we doing..?"
I was like, "I don't know..."
I asked him how he felt about things, about us, and he said he felt like we shouldn't be kissing if we weren't dating (bummer, ha). Then he asked how I felt. And I basically said "I don't know...I don't know. I keep going back and forth. Some days I can see us together, and then some days I still feel like maybe it's not right. But I don't know....I don't know.." I said a lot of I don't know's, which kind of then became a joke between us. But I didn't, I didn't know. I didn't know how I felt, what I wanted, what was right, what to do about things, about him.
We ended up going on a drive and just talking, talking about everything. We were both very open and honest, and both agreed that we really liked being together, and we both individually really wanted to be married, but that we both basically just didn't feel like it was right to date.
This was kind of a relief to me that he felt that way too. But also kind of a bummer.
We also talked about how then if this wasn't right (the he and I thing), that we'd both have to start over with someone else, and how that was the worst part. Talking about the same things, doing the same routine of starting to date someone. Ugh. We both dread it. I told him how it stinks because I felt like he and I had become so close, that I had told him things that I've told very few people (i.e. the amount of debt I'm in, some of my issues with my Dad, etc), and he said, "likewise." Which I'm guessing is things like his past pornography problem he had and has overcome (from ages 12 to 16. He's amazing.), maybe his issues with his dad, I'm not sure what else specifically. But we had been able to talk openly about a LOT of things over the past six months of knowing each other and dating off and on.
Eventually, as we were just sitting in my car, chatting (I had parked so I could just talk and not have to drive at the same time), he said something like, "We better get going, because the longer we sit here the harder it is for me not to kiss you." I liked that, it was flattering, but also sad. At the beginning of the drive, after he said he had been able to clear his head better (while not hugging/kissing me), he said he will not kiss me anymore, unless we are dating. I was a little bummed at that thought. But especially looking back, I'm grateful for him choosing that because it was the wise thing to do. I have so much respect for that kid, it's crazy. I so wish things could work out with us, he is so good.
Anyway, I took him home and got out to say goodbye, and thought it would be just a quick goodbye (really? Has it ever been?), but as soon as I hugged him I started crying. I felt like we were ending things/saying goodbye for more of a final time, and that was really hard. I had come to love Andy so much, as a person and as a really good friend. He has been so good to me. And I literally have maybe never met (definitely never dated) someone as good as him. Without a current pornography problem. Who treats me so well. Who is so good at asking me how I am. He is such a gentleman. He would always take care of me and our kids, I know he would. I trust him with my life. With my insecurities. With my body. With my flaws. I completely 100% trust him. And I have a legitimate fear that I will never meet anyone as good as him. It terrifies me.
And it practically killed me to let him go. We hugged for a good long time, he held me tight as I cried, comforted me, felt so bad that he was the reason why I was sad. We talked some more about things, not too much, mostly just hugged, held each other, I cried, and he kissed me some. Really sweetly at first. And then more. Kind of like one last good kiss, like this is it kind of a kiss. If we kissed like that all the time, probably not the most appropriate thing. But I felt okay about it, under the circumstances. I needed it. And this time, when I felt the very quiet, subtle prompting to slow down, I actually listened, and may have prevented things from getting out of hand. He kissed me very sweetly a few more times, as did I. It was really hard to let go and say goodbye. But it was really late and it was cold outside.
Eventually I left and drove home.
By the time I got home I felt awful, freezing, ill, I had definitely come down with something. I had felt a sore throat starting that afternoon by the time I had left the temple from tending Sally's kids during Dawn's wedding, but I can't help but believe it was for a reason that I felt okay throughout the evening with Andy. That maybe that night needed to happen. Cuz I have been so sick since then (today is Wed. night).
The next day, Sunday, I felt awful, sick-wise, but I was also kind of an emotional wreck. I missed Andy so much. So so much. I cried throughout the day. I didn't go to church because I was sick. But I went to an appt I had at 2:40 with Bishop Christensen because that was the second time they'd tried to schedule one with me. Plus it dawned on me that day that that would be a great opportunity to talk to him about the Andy thing, get counsel, and ask him for a blessing.
So I went, and cried a lot as I told Bishop about Andy. He told me some things I thought were odd and didn't really make sense (haha), but he also had some good points. Like:



Anyway, Jamie came overf after church and basically took care of me the rest of the day (Mom and Dad were in Parowan, and on their way back). I told her everything from the weekend and cried again about Andy, and how I was in turmoil over missing him so much but not feeling like we should date.
I texted Andy that night (Sunday) because as I had thought more about the night before, I had realized that I had kind of taken it upon myself to "end" things. That I had just kind of assumed, since that seemed to be the mutual consensus that neither of us felt right about dating, that that's what we had decided to do. When in fact we hadn't actually decided anything, I just decided to say goodbye, sort of. And I then felt really bad, and wondered if maybe I had ended things prematurely, and wondered what if or what he had wanted to do. So I texted him that and he told me that he had come to the same conclusion as me, about ending things, but that I had taken him by surprise when I had said goodbye :) But he said no worries, no apologies needed, and that he didn't think we should have much more of this conversation over text. And that did I have time tomorrow (Mon) to talk more about things.
I was happy at that thought and said I was so sorry, I didn't know why I had done that, that it just sort of happened. But that yes, I would love to talk, and to just let me know when.
Well, he never called, but it was okay, I was pretty sick most of the day, and I knew he was so busy with school and everything.

But the amazing thing was that that day (Monday), I had a complete change of heart, if you can call it that. I wish I had written down my exact feelings then, but I just had kind of a very confident, but peaceful feeling, that Andy wasn't the one. And that there is someone else. And I felt very peaceful about that. It was a complete 180 from the sadness I felt about him the day before. I was grateful, to say the least, and very grateful to not be so wrought with sadness, it is so hard to miss someone so much like that.
But now, a few days have passed, and I am starting to miss him again. Ugh.. Really? Can't I just stick with one feeling already?? But I do, and just writing about all this definitely makes me miss him. I still think he's probably not the one, which is okay, but I think I will always miss him, at least until I find someone else.
The night we said goodbye I told him I wanted him to know I loved him. It felt kind of weird to say it, I've never said that to a guy, but it was true and I wanted to have said it. He pulled me away from him so he could look at me and said, "We have a very special relationship. And I love you too." It was sweet.
But I do, I love that boy so much. He is amazing. And like I said, I have a legitimate fear that I'll never meet someone as good as him or who will treat me as well, and that scares me.

Anyway, I've got to go to bed so that this cough might have a chance at going away maybe and so I can possibly work tomorrow night.. (I've called in sick twice this week now.)

Goodnight