a hiccup with Jamie, then better friends than ever

Jamie and I just went through a rough patch, but thankfully it only lasted about a full day. I love her to death, more than ever. But here are the emails that transpired through it.

From me:

Hey,

So I wanted to try to explain why what you said last night was hard to hear. 

That night, the night of the movie, is not a good memory for me, and for multiple reasons. But one was that because I chose to go talk to Cheryl before the movie, I lost out on an opportunity to get to know someone I've wanted to. Because of that, I felt a lot of regret after. So yeah, I was bummed about not getting to sit by Brad, but it was more the opportunity lost, previous to the seating arrangement being changed, and I felt like that was my fault. So the rest of the night I was kicking myself for it. 

Then there were other things that just added, and at the end of the night I was embarrassed about my reaction to how the night went, but it definitely wasn't just the Brad thing. He's not what caused the tears. It was a rough night for multiple reasons (the movie itself was one, it really messed with my emotions, like a very real bad dream, it really affected me, which I honestly think is partly why I was so emotional the rest of the night. Kind of lame, but true.). Which I know is hard to imagine when you were being given attention from a great guy all night, so it's okay.. ;)

So then when you joked last night about me "pouting" over not getting to sit by Brad, I was shocked and kind of crushed, and felt embarrassed that I must have looked like a blubbering fool or something over him. But I didn't really know what to say or think. I already felt vulnerable about what happened the movie night, and I suddenly felt kind of judged, after trusting and confiding in you about my emotions that night, which is hard for me to do, it's not something I'm usually proud of. And like I said, I just didn't know where that comment had come from, but I figured there must be something that brought it on, which is why I started wondering if you had been frustrated at me about the movie night. And it's totally fine if you were or ever have been! You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but I wish that you would tell me. You make me spit things out that are hard to say (which is usually a good thing), but you always just say that you aren't ever mad at me, that I never do things that make you mad. But it's just hard to believe sometimes. And it's fine if you are! Be mad at me once in a while (I say this somewhat lightly, but also seriously :)! Be annoyed! I know I have tons of flaws that probably ARE annoying and frustrating to people, especially to those I'm around all the time, who see the good and the bad, like you--I certainly cause you plenty of grief, I'm sure. I just wish you wouldn't say you really never are if you are occasionally. 

But all that being said, the whole rest of the night last night (and this morning) I was praying, pleading to be able to let it go. To just let it go. After all, it was just one little comment, right? Even though I was kind of hurt, I was also irritated at myself that it affected me like it did. 

So please know that I still love you, and you are still my best friend. I think it's because of this that I just needed you to know. I'm not mad at you, and I'll be fine, and I think we'll be fine too, I just needed you to know.

I really do still love you, a ton

Melissa

Then, from Jamie (she's a saint):

Hey,

I hope I can convey all the thoughts and feelings that I have had today, and specifically in response to this e-mail. 

First of all, thank you for expressing these things to me. I hope you always feel like you can be honest with me without being judged or feeling embarrassed. You don't know how awful it has made me feel to think that you feel like you couldn't confide in me. Being able to share things with you and have you do the same is something I cherish very very much about our friendship. I never want to jeopardize that, and I would never ever want you to feel that you couldn't trust me with your feelings and emotions. And I am so sorry about last night, and also if there have ever been instances in the past where I have made you feel bad in any way.

My comment was meant in a teasing way. But that doesn't make up for the fact that it struck a sensitive spot. I wouldn't have ever even joked about it if I knew or understood how it would effect you, or all that you were going through the night of the movie. I meant what I said last night, and I hope you believe me that I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt you.

I'm sorry that things were rough for you that night. I don't know all the reasons behind that besides the ones that you mentioned, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But don't think that I didn't notice that something was wrong. I am always very aware of you. It doesn't matter who I'm with, or what's going on. I always think of you and worry how my decisions or actions affect you. I worried about you during the whole movie. I was worried that you felt left out because I was sitting by Pat, so I wanted to make sure you didn't feel like a third wheel, and tried to include you, even though I felt like my attempts were in vain (granite it's hard to have much conversation during a movie). But it was really important to me that you had fun. That night was supposed to be for you. I just wanted things to go well, and I felt bad that they didn't work out as well as they maybe could have. But I never once thought you looked like a 'blubbering fool' over Brad. To be honest, I hadn't even thought much about that night since. That's the truth. And again, one of the reasons I am kicking myself for making that stupid comment, because no, I wasn't frustrated at you. Nothing brought what I said on, and it didn't come from anything, except the fact that I knew you were bummed because you didn't get the chance to get to visit with him more. That's all.

I will always be honest with you. I don't usually hold things back or keep my feelings from you. If there have been moments of frustration or hurt, they have been brief. And then they have been gone. I don't hold onto things. I can't. Because it's just not worth it. There is no feeling that matters more than my relationship with someone. It affects me a lot when I have done something to someone I care about, and I want to do anything I can to make it right. I don't know if you really comprehend how much you mean to me. Everything just seems pretty trivial compared to how much I care about you. You say that it's hard to believe that I don't get mad or annoyed at you more often because you have tons of flaws (really?) But I'm sorry to tell you that it's true. Do you remember what I wrote you in your birthday card? I love everything about you. There is not one thing that I don't love about you.

You mentioned that it was just one little comment. But it wasn't. And it hurt. And I can understand why it affected you, and I don't think you should be irritated at yourself for that.

Melissa, you are my best friend. You mean the world to me. No one else compares to you, do you know that? You have been one of the biggest blessings in my life, and came at a time when I needed you the most. I've never told you that I don't think, but you were an answer to my prayers. And you have done more for me and been a better friend to me than I could even imagine or hope for.

I love you.

Jame

Then from me, just now (a couple days later):

So I wrote most of this at work on Sun, during my break, on my phone, and hadn't finished it til now. Just fyi.:)

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I really did appreciate you telling me you were a little (maybe a lot) frustrated at me the other day as well. You were completely entitled to being, I would have been too. And I don't think I ever said it, but I'M sorry for making you frustrated. And then you were so humble about everything I threw at you, and you just let me express my feelings, and you took it so well, so so well, as well as understood and still loved me. Again, I so SO appreciated that, and was just in awe at how humble and meek you have been about the whole thing.
I just re-read this email and it made my day again. I feel like this heart of mine just can't love you anymore than I do right now. That's why I started crying yesterday in the car (initially), because of how touched I was when you were talking about how much you care about me, as well as how much I care about you. Last night after I went home I was thinking about how we both said we could just live happily together for the rest of our lives. And first of all, I think it's crazy that even one of us could say that, let alone both of us. And also, I began to think that if that were really the plan for us, I mean if never getting married in this life meant that I got to just hang out with you through the rest of mortality, I honestly would be fine with that. It would be such a blast, always. Which totally fathoms me that I could feel that way about someone, because I get sick of people.. :) 

Anyway, I can't remember what else I had wanted to include in this when I started writing it, but just know that through this experience, and SO many others, pretty much just our relationship in general, you have taught me, and continue to teach me how to have a good relationship. I have learned more about being in a relationship, and in a successful one, from you, than from anyone else in my life. And I feel like that is huge and a huge blessing to me, especially for if/when marriage ever comes along. I doubt I've ever told you that, but I think it all the time.

Alright, that's it for now. I love you.

Melissa

I went over to their house (Jamie and Wendy's) last night after work, and they were there with their boys (Rob and Pat, who just entered the picture recently, still a new thing, but Pat and Jamie will probably date), and I thought there would at least be someone else over, but nope, apparently no one they invited came, so I was definitely the 5th wheel. But it actually turned out okay. It was a really fun night. At first I felt kind of out of place, being the odd wheel, but they all just were so entertained by me, and I felt so loved and wanted. And after the boys went home I stayed and hung out for a while, and Jamie and Wendy were both saying just how fun I am, and how fun I am to have around. And that I liven things up when I come. That totally just makes my day and means the world to me. Especially when I felt like the odd one out. 
Then, Wendy fell asleep on the couch and Jamie and I were just on the bean bag sharing a blanket, talking and laughing for a while, and it is just so fun with her. I have never had a friend like her, never imagined I'd have a best friend like her. She is absolutely amazing and I love her so much. We have a very unique and special relationship, and I am SO so grateful for it. We are so close, there just aren't words to describe. And it kind of kills me that we are both supposed to still get married. Because, like I referred to in my email to her, we both told each other the other day that we really would be happy with each other for the rest of our lives. And we would, and it would be an amazing life together. And I don't mean that in a weird way at all. We're both very straight, but we're just so close. If one of us was a boy we'd get married, no doubt. And so it really does make it hard, to think of ever not being like this, of one or both of us dating someone seriously and getting married. I hope and pray it happens for both of us at the same time, but if it doesn't, as it seems like it might happen for her first right now, it will be hard. And we've discussed how the transition, for one or both of us, will be hard, it just will. We've talked about it a couple times at least. And it will, even if we both get married, leaving this part of our lives and not spending so much time together will be really hard. She is my best friend, my other half. We are so close, I can't even describe. I would give my life for her in a second, and I know she would do the same for me. We do so much for each other. I love her so much. And it's honestly hard to imagine being this close to anyone else ever, especially a guy. Both being girls, we understand each other so well, which I think is a lot of why we are so close.
Anyway, I could talk about Jamie and how much I love her all day, but I need to go to sleep. :)
Goodnight!

Andy: slow but good--old and new posts

11/7/13

Man, I need to write everyday.

Ok, so the update on Andy—

About a week and a half ago, Jamie and I got a group of friends together and we went to Frightmares, with the coupons we got at the State Fair, the night we met her Tinder Michael. I invited Andy, and he came, and it was a lot of fun! The whole night was way fun, with everyone that came, and I love Lagoon! We mostly all stayed together as a group, but at the end, when there was about an hour left, most wanted to go on the ride ____, but I didn’t because I knew it would make me sick, and Andy didn’t really want to either, I think for the same reason. Plus, I really wanted to go through at least one haunted house before we left, we were at Frightmares, after all. So Andy and I headed to one of the haunted house lines while everyone else went on some more rides. And it was fun. I didn’t necessarily really want to be alone with him, it had been so fun to just have him along with the whole group, to just hang out with him in that type of situation. No pressure, just fun. But while we were in line we just chatted, played some “line” games (totally wasted him in my favorite game, where you can only touch hands and try to knock each other over), and toward the end of our wait he hugged me. He really likes to hug me, and with good long hugs. Which normally are nice, in general, but I didn’t really want that with him, at that time. So I just made sure to make it short.:)

Anyway, I held on to him through the haunted house (I probably would have held on to whoever was next to me, right?), which I’m sure he loved, and with his other hand he was trying to keep my hand on his arm warm—probably trying to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t open my fingers..poor guy. J But as soon as we were out of the haunted house we parted, I totally let go. That was the end of Frightmares, because now it was 10 pm when it closed, so I looked at my phone and someone had texted me to just meet at the entrance now.

We all stopped at In-N-Out on the way home, got some food and shakes, and then headed back to Jamie and Wendy’s. We all (Jamie, Wendy was there, Mark, Tron, Andy, me) hung out down in their apt for a bit, and laughed and laughed and laughed. I think we were all so tired that we were SO loopy and were just cracking up at everything, it was hilarious! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Mark was losing it, he was telling so many funny stories, including his accidental "man date" with his roommate, that ended in them watching Twilight, haha!!! And how he through away all his Ambien pills, but the other night he was desperate, and remembered there were still some in the trash, and so he got one out!! He was squealing with his hand over his mouth, he was laughing so hard, it was so funny!
Eventually, I called it a night, I still had to go help Paul, and Andy left with me, he still had to drive home to Provo. So we went out, and long story short, we were hugging goodbye at his car, and after a couple long hugs, he kissed me! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN. I guess I gave up dodging the kiss, it's really hard to dodge a kiss when you are the same height! Haha..but seriously. But I only let it last about 5-10 seconds, because it's not what I wanted at that time. I wasn't ready to commit to him like that, and yeah, it was fun, and I kind of would have loved to keep kissing him, but it would have been just to kiss. I wasn't feeling that way toward him yet, I wasn't ready to be exclusive.
We hugged some more, chatted, hugged some more, about my family Halloween party the next day and what I was going to wear (my awesome Mario costume I got at Thriftown), and then parted and left. Andy texted me that night after he got home and said, "Hey I'm sorry. That wasn't fair and I know you weren't ready for that. I had a way good time with you and I should have just let you go with a hug."
I told him it was fine, with a smiley face, and thanked him for understanding.

12/6/13
So I wrote all that about a month ago, and here's the quick update: after not seeing him for almost a month, I started wanting to, so I asked him, via fb message, if he was still interested in ever going out again. He said yes so we went out that weekend, which was 2 weeks ago. He came up here, we grabbed dinnner at Zupas (my third time eating there that week), went to the Wilford Stake play "Fiddler on the Roof," and then stopped at Dan's on our way home so I could buy hot chocolate, which we made here at home, and watched Studio C videos online for about 2 hours. Ha! It was really fun though, he kept his cool all night, didn't try anything crazy, wasn't all over me like he has been in the past, just put his arm around me every now and then through the play, rubbed my back once when I was leaning forward (LOVED), and then at home he kept his arm around me while we watched Studio C videos, but kind of just casually, nothing crazy, with squeezing or anything, like it's been like before. And we just laughed and laughed and laughed, watching the videos, oh my, they are so funny. So it was really fun, really easy to be with him that night. And the hug goodbye was good, and he didn't try to kiss me or anything, which I was really grateful for. And he asked me when he could see me again, to which I said, "whenever," but he was going to Canada the next weekend for Thanksgiving. We chatted some over the next few days, my birthday was two days before Thanksgiving, which he didn't know until the day of, and I invited him up for dinner and/or dessert, but it was ironically his sister's birthday as well. So he didn't come, which I was more bummed about than I thought I would be. It was kind of surprising.
But then our communication was very minimal over the next (or the past) week and a half. He never asked about my birthday or how it went, asked a little about my Thanksgiving, but then wasn't initiating much conversation when I was asking him about his trip to Canada and such. So I stopped. So for almost a week we haven't talked, and I figured he had lost interest. But he actually just texted me today, so we'll see what happens.

Great couple of shifts on AIM-A

I worked yesterday and today, and I am in week 5 of orientation (U of U Hospital), I think. Yesterday I was with Chelsie again, this time a full 12 hr shift, which I was kind of dreading, but it turned out so good! Night and day difference from the other day when I was with her. She had me take all 4 of our pts, and the day went by so fast because of that, it was so great!
Then today I was with Andrea, who I love as a nurse, and an orienter! She was so great! And the day was so great, for so many reasons:
-I felt cute
-Although at the beginning of the shift I was a little self conscious of my hair, mostly because Cody, that cute nurse (who I think, am hoping, is LDS..) who I'm becoming friends with, was there (had worked the night), and was around me, giving some of his patients to us. Anyway, these two girls, lab techs or phlebotomists, I think, randomly said to me, "Your hair is really cute!" I was just sitting at a computer, listening to someone else conversation behind me, and I turned around as they are saying this to me, and it totally made my day!
-I only had 2 pts at first, but was able to stay on top of things with just 2, and felt much more organized than I did yesterday with all 4
-I did the whole discharge process today for the first time, with one of my pts, and am so happy that I know that now
-I took 2 admits, and basically admitted them all myself (with help on the first one from Andrea). Again, I am so thrilled to feel like I know the processes of admitting and discharging now, and am not afraid of those! Yay!
-Andrea was an awesome orienter. She is a great nurse, really chill, a great teacher, answered all my questions, taught me things in a way that is so easy to understand, was willing to help me with anything anytime, and always made sure I was doing okay, but left me to my own to take care of my pts. It was such a great shift!
-Cody worked again tonight, which I knew he did b/c I asked him this morning if he was back tonight, so I was looking forward to seeing him again all day, and I did. Unfortunately he wasn't taking any of my pts, a couple of Andrea's, but for the first time I didn't accompany my nurse to give report on her pts, I think because I really hadn't helped her at all with her two. And I was working on some last minute charting too. He and I didn't really talk, but I smiled at him, and it was fun to at least see him. He is very cute. I hope he has a little longer on our floor (he's from Resource, just assigned to our floor for a little while).
-The two people that texted me while I was at work were Jamie and Andy, the two people I would have loved a text from most. I went out with Andy the other night, he came up here and we went to dinner, the Wilford stake play, and then came home here and had hot chocolate and watched Studio C vidoes on youtube for a while after. It was really fun and comfortable, a great date. So I've been more fond of him lately and was happy that he texted me today.
-I don't have to work tomorrow
-And IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!! I'm turning 27, which is so weird. So old. Yet, not. Last night Wendy was like, "you are so young. SO young." I feel old, but she is 32. That's a little rough, I'm sure. To still be single. But life sure doesn't happen how you always plan, that's for sure. I definitely never thought I'd still be single as I turned 27. Yet it's also weird to think of being married..

Things are much better, I am coping better, haha

So Jamie and I got through this last week successfully. I am doing much better now, I think I was partly just on my period and having an emotional couple of days, and that just exacerbated my emotional state. But after a couple days, and staying at Rosanna's house making our gingerbread creation for the Festival of Trees (good to get my mind off everything, get out of my head, and do something totally fun and distracting with Rosanna), I felt much better about everything. I took Jamie to Shiver's that Tues night and we got shakes and food, my treat, and then we went and hung out at her house. I ended up staying over, we watched the 3rd and 4th discs of North and South, watched highlights of The Voice that I had missed, and then stayed awake for hours in her bed talking. Greatly about how hard it has been for both of us when the other has seemingly started to date someone. We both have felt the exact same. We talked about how we could possibly make it easier, but how it also will probably just be hard, when one or both of us really starts dating someone seriously. It will be good, and we know it's a good thing and what we want, but it's certainly going to be an adjustment, regardless. We basically do everything together, and we rarely go a day without seeing each other. And if we don't see each other, we most definitely are texting at least. I love her so much, there just aren't words to describe. When I wrote on here a while ago and said I hope she gets married first, that's still true (if we can't get married at the same time), but I said it was partly because I feel like I can be happy single easier than she can. Not in a bad way, I just think it's true. But I have since changed my mind. I wasn't very good at all last week at being happy feeling single and alone, without her. It was really hard. And again, I think I was emotional anyway which made it seem worse, but I do think, and know, that it's going to be hard, not spending this much time together eventually.
I told her that night in her bed, that if it weren't for the marriage thing being a commandment and what not, I really feel like we could be happy like this for a long long time. Just being best friends and traveling and stuff together, for years. We have that much fun together. And she agreed.
It is an amazing relationship we have, I've never had a best friend like her, or a relationship like this. It's hard to imagine being this close to a guy, close enough to want to marry them.
I just love her.

Jamie's new boyfriend. This is hard.

So Jamie and I have become better friends than I ever could have imagined. She is definitely my best friend, but the best best friend that I've ever had. We practically do everything together, I pretty much never get sick of her, she has a way of cheering me up when I'm in a bad mood (hard to do) and getting me out of my funk, and she is the most considerate, thoughtful person I think I have ever personally known. She's amazing, and she's amazing to me.
A while ago, in fact I think I wrote about this, I felt like I would be fine when she started dating someone, and I hoped that she would first because I felt like I was better able to be happy alone than she is, and I didn't think it would be super hard for me.
Well, turns out I was wrong. She's been starting to date this guy, Paul, from Tinder, but just on Saturdays. He's so busy with full time school and work that that's the only day he can go out. And they seems to really click and he sounds like a pretty good guy (besides his lack of making any phone calls to her on his own..we still are trying to look past it. But it's annoying.). They went out on date #4 last night, and I went to bed (semi) early, due to having to work again today, 12 hour shift, and as I was going to sleep, it just hit me that this might be it, and I started to silently cry. Only a few few tears, for I quickly pulled myself together and went to sleep, but I have been realizing the last few days and little while that when she starts dating someone seriously, or now I'm realizing at all maybe, it's going to be really hard for me.
Tonight on my way home from work I was going to stop at her (and Wendy's) apt, like I have a couple times already after work, to hear about the date last night and catch up (haven't seen her since Friday, which seems like forever since we usually see each other every day, or nearly). But she said she would talk to me in just a bit (in response to my text asking her what she was doing as I was leaving work). And as I was driving home, it hit me again, that when she starts really dating him, or anyone, it will be really hard for me. And I began to cry again, and pray to Heavenly Father, asking Him to help me cope and get through it, and to help me be so happy for her.

I just heard from her again, a few hours later, and Paul had in fact come over to her apt and finally kissed her. This is really exciting, and I'm totally faking being excited (via texting her right now), but I'm struggling right now. This is really hard. It's hard not to be jealous. She has so much fun with him, loves being with him, and it has been sooo long since I've met an eligible guy that I can say that about. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I'm never going to get married. That I'm never going to find a guy that is impressive and that I love spending time with and just want to be with all the time, AND am attracted to. For example, there's still Andy, and I think he is still interested in dating if I wanted to (right now we just message every now and then on fb), and he's a really impressive guy, but I don't know if he's someone I could want to be with all the time and love spending time with, as well as sometimes I'm not sure how physically attractive he is to me. Sometimes I feel like that combo is next to impossible. And some days that's fine. But right now that's really discouraging.

I pray that I can be happy for Jamie, even if I have to fake it for a while. Because I think this may only get harder. But I love her so much and she wants this so bad, and she deserves it. She will make an incredible wife, and an amazing mother. And I want her to get to enjoy those blessings.
But the selfish part of me wants us to both just stay single and like this forever, because we are so close and have SO much fun together.

This is hard.

Great (orientation) shift!

This is my 3rd Sunday in a row that I've had to work a 12-hour shift, and I still have 2 more in a row,.....wait, I just realized I only have one more and then I get a Sunday off..! Yes!!
Anyway, I don't love working Sundays, obviously, but there are good things about working them: less people on the floor (no admin, etc), you can park anywhere (on weekends--awesome), things like that.
Today I was with Malisa again, who I've actually come to really like as my main preceptor for orientation at the U (hospital). She's been really great. She's been good at letting me do more and more. So things were great with her, she had me take 3 out of our 5 patients, which was the first time I've taken 3 on a day shift, and things went really well! I felt like I was able to stay on top of things more than I ever have (which wasn't completely, but it was progress..!), I felt like I did and asked things to the patients out of my own critical thinking (i.e. "When was the last time you bathed..?"), and I got to take the Sacrament! I happened to catch these two guys, dressed in suits, clearly the Mormons taking the Sacrament around, and we went in the break room and they both said a prayer and administered it to me. It was pretty neat, and I was really grateful. Turns out they will come do that each week around 11:30, I guess. Hopefully I can catch them again this next Sunday.
There were other great things...oh, I finally faced my fear of good looking guys, and met this other new nurse that's been on the floor. Cody. Turns out he's actually really nice and friendly. And he graduated from the U just the semester before me, in May. And now I feel like we are friends. I hope I see him more, I liked him.
And everyone working that shift was great, really friendly. Colline, my favorite aide, was working, and on our end! And she had all my patients, loved that. Oh, and after I didn't get to try starting an IV on another nurse's patient because Erin, the charge nurse, beat me to it (she didn't know I wanted to try), Malisa let me practice on her, and I got it in right away! She was so great to let me practice.
It was just a really great day, gave me hope that one day I can be on my own, and made me really glad I am a nurse. I am really liking my job! Oh, AND we left before 8! Wow!!

My first IV

Guess what! I started my first IV on a real patient at my first real job last night! And I got it in on the first attempt! It was so exciting!!
Bill was my orienter last night, and he was great to coach me through it, and the patient was so great too, to be patient as I was getting it in. I've had him three days now this week, and he's great, I really like the guy (George Coles).