3rd date with Brian U.

So he came and got me at 4 pm, and we headed to Provo. We were going to the BYU vs U women's soccer game, and when we got down there to buy tickets before doing anything else, they only had general admission seats left, and standing room only they said, but we got them anyway, and went to get some dinner. Went to J-Dawgs, met up with a friend of Brian's there, who was actually one of his EFY kids years ago (the kid is 25 now, and I asked Brian if that makes him feel old, and he was like yeah..haha), then went back to the field to the game. Great game! BYU won 2-0, and we did end up standing all but the last 10 min, but it was still fun! My mission friend, Haley Elmer, has two sisters that play for the U, and they are so good! Their dad was there, and I saw him and said hi and introduced myself. I recognize him from FB pics, haha. Haley wasn't there though, I texted her.

Anyway, after the game we went to the Creamery for ice cream, of course. And Heritage is completely non-existent! It's crazy how different things are down there! The dorms don't even look like BYU anymore, it's crazy! The buildings are so tall and nice-looking! Creamery's still the same though.:)

Then we went to the dollar theater down there, Movies 8, and saw Cokeville Miracle, and it was SO good. Such an incredible true story. I totally cried at the end, it was a very moving ending! I thought he was crying too, which made me feel better, haha, but after he said he was surprised that he didn't. Heartless... haha, jk.

Then we drove back to SLC.

It was a fun night, with some positives and some negatives. Positives: on second look at his hands, his hands are actually fine. I like them. So that was nice to cross off my negatives list. And speaking of hands, can I just say I love the watch he's always wearing?? He wears this cool white sports watch, I love it! Also on the positives, I feel myself finding him a little more attractive. He almost always opens the car door for me, always opens building doors for me, and I just felt watched out for in little ways, like when we were walking back to the car after the game, and he pulled me by my purse strap out of the road. I thought it was cute. Also, his shoes. Dang, they were great. So far he is three for three on good shoes! He was wearing these awesome white and multicolored nikes, they were rad! I commented on them, of course. So at least he's got the good and attractive footwear down.

For the negatives, there were two. First, he was not in fact wearing any cologne. Again. FAIL. So disappointing. If only guys knew what a difference that makes! And while I haven't smelled any cologne ever, I also haven't smelled any stink on him ever either, so at least he doesn't stink. And then the other thing is that besides that first date we went on, the movie at the park, where he was so uberly impressive in every way, including asking me about me and being great at conversation, he really doesn't ask me about me. We mostly talk about him. I know all about his multiple jobs, some past and then present ones, but he's never really asked me much about my work. And I love my job, it's so much of who I am and what I do. I love to talk about it, if someone wants to know. But yeah, I try to ask him more get to know you questions, and sometimes he'll ask me them back, but he's just not been great at getting to know me specifically. I don't love that. Oh, and then the other thing is sense of humor. I'm not sure we have the same sense of humor. Which is a major bummer, because that's a big deal to me. We don't laugh together a ton. And in general, I like to laugh a LOT. Life is funny, if you can't laugh about it, it's just not as fun. Or you cry instead. Ha. But yeah, so still some getting to know each other, but he seems to like being with me, and I like being with hiim, so we'll see. Slowly.

And no, he didn't put any moves on me, at the movie or anytime. I didn't want to kiss him last night, partly because I have a strict no kissing on the first three dates rule, but also I don't want that yet. But I would have welcomed any hand holding at the movie, and I thought he maybe wanted to, from where his hand was positioned at times, but never happened. Which is totally fine. I'm all about moving slow, I think it's the best, most natural way for a relationship to progress, and yields the best results in the end. And I'm a little annoyed that he doesn't seem to want to know more about me right now. So it's good nothing happened.

Anyway, got to get ready for work! Also, best part of this day, the AMAZING WIN BYU JUST PULLED OFF AGAINST NEBRASKA!!! It was crazy!! 1 second left and they made this incredible touch down...amazing!!!!!

Can't sleep

I was so tired earlier..especially at Institute tonight, I was so excited to go to bed, and now my mind has been racing, and I can't get my body to feel sleepy..these nights make me crazy. Especially when I was SO sleepy earlier..

I've been thinking a lot about Andy tonight, and the last few days. Yes, that Andy, Andy Heaton, who I dated off and on for like 6 months or something.. I've been missing him and thinking a lot about him suddenly, to the point where I've wondered if there is a significant reason why. Like maybe I'm going to hear from him soon or something, or maybe he's thinking of me..? I don't know. But I will say, I do miss him, and I would actually love to date him again. I would love to give us another chance. My only real thing with him is his height (and how hard he kissed me, how he kind of sucked my lips a little harder than I liked and they would get all puffy and red and I was embarrassed, haha..but I figure we could work on that..). But other than that, I think he's pretty attractive, and some things I've recently realized that I kind of took for granted with him and that were major positives were that he always smelled so good (this is huge, and so desirable), and he was so fun to talk to! He thought I was funny, I thought he was, he was so fun to text with and joke with, especially like when we were kissing. I could really make him laugh then. Haha. I miss that. I also loved his hands. I LOVED those hands. I look at guys hands, and he had nice, manyly, but soft hands. And nice fingernails. I don't know why that's a thing for me, but it is. Teeth, shoes, and hands. But in contrast, this Brian guy seems like a great guy still, we went out for the second time the other night, I think I wrote about it, but I just don't know how physically attracted I am, and he hasn't smelled good yet. That may seem small, but I really like a guy that smells good. It's kind of a big deal. And I know that's something you can change, so it's not a deal breaker, but any guy is significantly more attractive when he smells good, regardless of what he looks like. Just sayin. And I'm not sure about Brian's teeth, I think they're pretty good..hard to tell, I haven't seen them much yet. And his hands are..fine.. I just really liked Andy's. Aa, why am I thinking so much about him?? It's still pointless, right? I mean, I was over him for a while, never thought about him like this. Why now? And why so much? Like he's an option...

I've also suddenly been thinking about Dylan tonight, as I lay awake here. I miss that sweet boy. I was even completely in tears, thinking about his funeral, and Rosanna, and how she must just ache all the time for him. I don't know how she does it. I wish we had him here still. I was thinking about our Texas beach family vacation a few years ago, and cute Dylan hanging out of the circular holes in the stairway wall with his yellow blankie. So cute.

But anyway, Andy. Yeah. I just..I would love it if he was thinking about me. And I would love to see him. I would love to be with him again, and date him. I feel like things could possibly really work out. But I don't feel like I'm supposed to message him or anything. 

I would love to see him. I even, a few days ago when I first started thinking about him a lot, I even felt this giddiness about him, like I was going to see him, it was weird. Definitely haven't seen him, and I'm pretty sure he's not in Utah, but....that would be awesome. If I suddenly got a text or a call from him saying he was in Utah and could he see me. I would love that.

Alright, I'm getting tired again. Back to bed it is.

Great day with Rosanna, volleyball is started again!, and this new Brian Uz..

Today I went to the temple with Rosanna. The 10 am session that we went for was too full, so we left and came back for the 11 am session, and just stayed in the car and chatted, about my issues with Eric (who I've kind of been trying to get rid of), and about the kids starting school and that they like it, etc. And about Dylan, and how he's not here to start school, and how that's hard.
The session was good, they played my least favorite of the new movies, but it's still pretty good, and I had trouble staying awake, as always. But really good to be there with Rosanna. Then after, we stayed in the Celestial room for a while, while she cried. I felt so bad, I really have no idea what she's going through. All I could do was put my arm around her and get her more tissues. She's amazing, for still functioning and putting on a good face amidst this trial. She misses him so much.

Then we went and got lunch at Zupas (love that place), and then we went back to their house and she showed me all their pictures from their recent trip to Jamaica that she had just told me about over Zupas. It was so fun to see and hear about their trip! I think they really needed it and had a great time.

The kids got home from school and I stayed another half hour or so and hung out and heard all about the new school and how they ALL like it (yay! Last year was rough for all of them at APA, well Megan mostly, and Rachel for all three days she attended it before Rosanna pulled her and home schooled her). So happy that they are all liking school!

Tonight was the first night of our new volleyball season! We played two teams, and only won 1 set of all 4. But it was still really fun! Got to catch up with Camille, she was right next to me when Mom texted me about how she got the job today and her $11,000 a year pay increase, so that was way exciting! It was legitimately good to see Jamie, and I was hoping to catch up with her more, but she left after while I was chatting with Camille. And based on her texts tonight, it seemed like she was a little almost offended, maybe, by that. And I was going to help Jamie with some math, that she is tutoring a little girl with. But it didn't happen, darn it.

And this new Brian Uz.. that I hung out with for the first time last week, we were going to do something tonight after his softball game and my volleyball games, but mine went later than planned, and it was almost 10 by the time we were done and Camille and I stopped chatting, so I called him and suggested maybe we do something another night. So we're going to try for tomorrow, depending on his softball game schedule tomorrow. But just quick, he's basically the most cool, impressive guy I've probably ever been out with. Not a lot to look at at first, I"m hoping that comes, because he sure knows how to treat a girl, and really has his act together, and is mature and totally solid in the Church. These guys DO exist! So we'll see how things go. But I definitely want to keep getting to know him, because just based on the other night with him, and the fact that he calls me, doesn't just text, I've been super impressed with him already.

Updates on life--life is good! I feel so led, and so grateful for that.

Sooo...lots to update on since my last post! But just quick---life is really great right now! Amazing how there are such highs and lows in life. But I feel like my life is being very guided by the Spirit right now, and I'm so grateful! But some quick updates:

Not going to London. Changed my mind, and after much thought and prayer and fasting on the matter, and being prompted to talk to Sally and then Mom about it, I decided to go ahead and go to Taiwan with Rob and Meg. So I'm going! And since I'm going, Jamie is going too. But that's fine. I'm really excited to go! It'll be a cool adventure. And the plan is to go to London in the spring. And my friend, Shawna at work (also in my ward, but I see her at work way more than at church stuff), might go with me (and whoever else), but I think that would be so fun! She's pretty chill and mature, and likes adventures like that.

Haven't moved out yet. Still want to, and I looked into those apartments, Highland Point apartments, online, and I feel really good about them, and want to live in the three-person set up, because of the price, so I just need to find a couple girls I would want to live with. I don't really want to just move in with random girls. I already don't really want to have roommates again most of the time, and I don't want to just be the new girl. I'm hoping Cheryl and I might really be able to live together. She is in fact going to get a divorce. She asked Kyle for one the other day. It's got to be so rough. I totally support her though. I'm all about making a marriage last, but she has done pretty much everything and more to try to make it work, and it sounds like he hasn't put in anywhere near the effort she has to be a good spouse. She deserves someone so great, someone she feels comfortable bringing children into the world with.

Due to a series of prompting and spiritual experiences of sorts, I've decided to attend a conference in Sept, called the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation Summit 2015. I feel like I'm supposed to go. It's in Florida, so that's fun. I'm super excited about it! Mostly because I've felt so guided into deciding to go. And part of it all is that with Sally's help, I've been able to get in touch with the organization's executive director, Dawn Hawkins, who I get emails from frequently (I'm on their email list) about the fight to end sexual exploitation, so to me she's this famous person, and now I've been emailing her, and she waived my registration fee, and has offered to pay for my hotel for any extra nights to come early and help, and it's all happened so fast, it's kind of crazy! But cool. I'm really excited to be more involved in this fight that's happening and needs to happen. I hate the sexual exploitation that is so common and rampant in the world, in so many ugly forms.

I'm planning my trip to Texas! It'll be the end of Oct-beginning of Nov. And I'm going to go for almost 2 weeks! Whoa, why?? Because I can. :) I miss those kids so much! Especially little Keelan. I'm excited!

My job is great, love my job. I worked last night and double floated, which usually isn't desirable, but it actually turned out great. I was on AIM-B and then SSTU, both floors were a first for my to float to. I only had 4 patients on both, which was fantastic (usually have 5 at night on AIM-A), and my patients were great, some even fun to talk to, the other nurses I worked with were good and friendly, I learned some good things, and I even got to run into Jared from Plastics! He's a plastic surgery resident who I've met a couple times, and he is so attractive. Blue scrubs, classy dress shoes (which is funny, but he pulls off the look very well), square framed glasses..I've naturally looked him up, after the first couple times I met him and he was working with a patient of mine for a couple days, and he is LDS and single, as far as I can tell. So that was fun to run into him again last night. Nothing really happened, haha, except he stood pretty close to me at one point in a patient's room, and he smelled really good. But just being around him like that made me kind of giddy the rest of the night, haha (that was around 2 or 3 am). And as far as floating, it was actually really nice and refreshing to be off my floor and be around other nurses and just do my own thing. It was the most comfortable and confident I've ever felt floating, which was fun. And I love my floor and the people I work with and being comfortable there, but everyone else I worked with last night were really nice and friendly too, and I don't know, it was just kind of fun and refreshing, I think partly to be somewhere new, and still feel competent and even fairly comfortable, and like I knew what I was doing. And it was nice to float to two places I hadn't floated to, although maybe I have to SSTU..it seemed more familiar than I was thinking.. but I'm happy to be comfortable and familiar with two more units now, makes floating in the future less scary and dreadful. :)
And just for memory sake, the patients I enjoyed the most were that LDS guy who has that random infection in his L elbow, who is from Provo, now they live in Wyoming and love it, and who coached Brandon Davies and other BYU bball stars in high school, and he and his wife are both really cool people, both teach school up in Wyoming. They were fun to chat with, and to see their good relationship.
Then my pt on SSTU who has the congenital condition with short legs and his suprapubic catheter and such, who is turning 50 next month and never been married, and lives with his parents. He asked about me and I was like, I'm actually in the same boat as you! Haha, never been married, and live with my parents. :) But he didn't get all weird or creepy and try to hit on me after that, like some patients have and would, so that was nice and appreciated.

Oh, and there's this guy, Brian, who visited his friend, Mark, down in Sally and Peter's ward recently, who Sally and Joe met, who I then met at our tri-stake temple night the other night, and who added me on FB the next day, and who Audrey Stanger texted me today to tell me she has a friend who is asking her for my number and could she give it to them, and turns out it's this Brian guy. Initially when I met him I was not really interested at all, but after the good things she had to say about him and looking him up on FB the other day, I feel like he could be one of those guys that surprises, in a good way. So that's something fun to hope for :) We'll see if he calls. I'm already impressed that he wanted my actual number, when he could have easily contacted me via FB. I'll be even more impressed if he actually calls, and doesn't just text me. That's a rare man these days.

Gotta go to bed!

Things are so much better. And a great day today.

So a couple days later Sally called again and we talked again, and she felt bad about how she reacted, and I was able to explain why I was so frustrated by her response and what it sounded like to me, and I also got to just vent about pretty much everything then too, she was a great listener and in a better mood herself, which helped. And we ended up talking for quite a while, and it was really great. We basically caught up, and it was really good to chat. She helped me feel good about not going to Taiwan, and actually got me seriously thinking about going to London instead. There were reasons why I was definitely not going to do London yet still, but I got thinking about it, and I've been feeling good about going, actually, and excited. I'm currently trying to get either Camille or Rosanna to come with me, but Jamie might come too. I broke the news to her tonight that I'm pretty much decided against Taiwan, and I think that's where I will go instead. She sounded more excited about that. Which I may or may not have been excited about myself. Tonight we tried to go to a movie, not because I wanted to, I was SO tired (because of my baby spider fiasco last night in my room and sleeping in the couch for not very many hours because of it), but I felt like she needed some time from me. The movie was sold out, which was fine, so we just chatted in her driveway in my car for a while. And it was good to catch up, it always is, but I just still don't love being with her tons anymore. I wish that wasn't the case. But it is. So I was hesitant to even tell her about my London plan (as long as Peggy and Evan are there then, which I'm still waiting to hear back about), but I told her anyway, so oh well now. But I did tell her that one of my sisters might come, so we'll see what happens. But I've also kind of decided that I'm going regardless of who comes and doesn't come, and it will be great either way.
So yeah, after talking things totally out with Sally, and making things right with her, I felt so much better about everything, and better in general. I've realized that I really just need to vent and talk things out, and then I'm fine. Maybe with some time in there as well. And also, I think not having things right with anyone in my family really affects me, I've also realized/decided. So now, since I've had good conversations now with my parents, Camille, Rosanna, and now Sally, and I feel like they all really know this is hard for me and legitimately care and have let me vent, I feel very cared about and I can move on. But whatever it is, I feel so much happier, happy again in general, and I'm so grateful for that. I hate being sad and bummed. And I've hung out with Camille and the kids yesterday and today, and it's been really fun. Fun to be with the kids, and fun to chat and catch up with Camille and talk to her about some of these things, like the London thing. She was the one that suggested she come, which I was totally on board with, I think it would be so fun, but she didn't know if Jake would let her. Which he already said no. But it was fun to hope for for a day..:)

But today was fun--hiked a short but fun hike (Lisa Falls, up Little Cottonwood Canyon) with Camille and the kids (her four boys + Simon and Rachel who are staying with them while Rosanna and Megan are at camp), then met up with Cheryl, my old roommate and one of my life best friends, for lunch at Zupas (of course, I love that place), which was SO so good. We stayed there and chatted for 3 hours, and it was amazing to see her again and still be so comfortable and be able to talk about everything that's been and is hard for us right now. Her marriage could soon be coming to an end, after 5 years, which is sad, but she has certainly given it her all to try to save. Kyle just isn't really doing his part, it sounds. He's still got some stuff to work through and figure out.
So that was so good to see her, and she lives here now, which I love (she was in Maryland for 4 years), so hopefully we get together more. I basically asked her if she wanted to live together, and she would (oh man, that would be a dream, just me and her, I would love that so much), but if she really does get divorced, it probably won't go through til around December. So she couldn't live with me til then. But she wanted to too. It would be so great. So great.
And then I went shopping at DownEast for a bit right there in Sugarhouse, and got some much searched-for shorts and capris, found some great finds. It's so hard to find shorts that fit me well and that I like. So that was fun.
Then home, had dinner, then the couple hours with Jamie.

I've been really thinking about moving, I feel like I need to, and I've been thinking more and more about it the past few days. Camille suggested this apt complex kind of by them, but by the 215 freeway on Highland, which would be closer to them and fun, and right by the freeway that I could hop on and get to work easy. So I've been thinking more about that today, and I feel kind of excited about the idea. So we'll see what I can find there.

So many frustrations, I just want to get out of here so bad

So many thoughts and not enough time..I need to go to bed, I work in the morning..but I need to get a few things out.
I'm still struggling with life. Feeling better than I was a few days or a week ago. Things are better here at home, but still wish Mom and Dad would ask me about things, like to tell them what's on my mind. There's so much on my mind and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Sally and I were texting a little yesterday (Sunday), and I mentioned the weekend was hard, so she was going to call me last night, but then I was at work, so she told me to call her after work this morning if I felt like it, which I did. I was actually really looking forward to talking to her, and having a good listening ear and soundboard that I could talk to about all these things on my mind: the dating/being alone frustration and struggle, the thoughts I've been having about WHY I've been feeling this way and what has possibly led up to it, the Jamie frustration and dilemma, wanting to move but not sure where or when, the Taiwan option, coming down to Texas for a good stay in Oct., etc. And after we talked all about the Davidson reunion she just recovered from down there, she asked why the weekend was hard, and I started telling her about my frustrations and struggles with being alone right now, and how being with the family for the baptism and such this weekend just made it harder, and that I am so tired of being alone, etc, and I started crying, of course. And she listened for a few minutes as I vented and explained, and then as soon as I kind of stopped for a minute, she immediately started into asking if I've been taking care of myself. Have I been eating? Exercising? Getting sleep? I was so irritated by that. And then she suggested that maybe I have some depression, that it sounds like depression.
And I know that could be a possibility, but that is NOT what I needed to hear right then. Why does me being sad about things automatically mean I'm not doing something I should be? Maybe this trial is something that is legitimately hard to deal with..! I'm so frustrated about this. What happened to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort..? After she told me all about her frustrations with the reunion, I didn't immediately say, well maybe if you had been getting more sleep and exercising.. I just need a listening ear and some sympathy! That's all I want right now. I don't need anyone to fix me, I'm so sick of that. And I think one of the hardest parts of this conversation was that I was so hoping and planning that it would be such a needed conversation, and one that I felt so much better after. She was going to be my safe place, my sanctuary. And it definitely didn't turn out that way.
I've decided it's next to impossible to get someone who is married to understand what it's like, and how hard it sometimes is, to be this age and still single. And I feel like I need to lower my expectations and stop hoping someone in my family will try to understand me. Dad has done the best at this, surprisingly. And I've been very grateful. I feel like he's been my main ally through this recently. But even tonight, he asked me how I am, and I said okay, and that's about where we left that. And mom asked me if I was feeling better tonight, and I said..yes and no...and that's where that stopped too. I feel like Mom just wants me to be better, to be fixed. And she's not really sure what to do if I'm still not. Ask me HOW I'm doing! Ask me what's on my mind! I so wish someone would! Because like I've told them before and especially recently, I just want to be listened to, and I won't talk if I'm not asked, because I feel like no one cares enough to listen then.
I'm just so frustrated. And maybe I do have too high of expectations. Maybe I'm hoping for too much, wanting someone in my family to be what I need. But I don't know what else to do, who else to talk to. In Camille's defense, she's been better than some, but she's so busy with her kids.
I just wish I had someone to talk to. There's Jamie, but she always slightly irritates me. And we still talk sometimes, we talked a lot about dating and these frustrations we both have and about our life situations for a while yesterday during and after church, and that was nice, but other than that, I just don't have a lot of desire to talk to her or be with her a ton. She thinks it's because I just want to do my own thing right now. Which is partly true. But it's true because there's no one I really want to do anything WITH.
I've kind of decided too that I think I just need to start lying. Start faking it. Stop being so honest with people, and just fake that I'm fine. And maybe it will be true soon. And I will stop being disappointed when the family just doesn't react how I need them to.
And with that, I feel like maybe it would be best if I moved out, then I won't be disappointed when mom and dad don't ask me more how I am doing, and to talk about things. I just don't know where to start looking or anything. I wish I had a sister I felt comfortable moving in with right now.

That's about all for now. Need to get to bed.
I just wish I could get out of here. I'm annoyed by everything right now.

The best part of tonight was the fireside with President Featherstone, which is always good to hear him speak, he's amazing. And then talking afterwards with Katie Jenkins. She is someone I feel like I could talk to about anything. She is a great listener. I would love to live with her. I even kind of told her that, that she is someone I could live with. But she just told me tonight that she has cancer. Hodgkins Lymphoma. Found a lump in her armpit. Same as her sister had, but it's not supposed to be genetic. She is getting her 3rd session of chemo tomorrow. She'll probably shave her hair this week.  But wow, it must be so hard. But yeah, she is great to talk to.
Anway, I gotta go. Goodnight!

Life is a little hard right now.

I feel like things are changing. I'm getting older. Being single is getting harder. At least it has been the last two or three weeks. This has also caused a big rift here at home, with mom and dad. Mostly due to poor communication. Things are better there, Dad offered to listen to me yesterday and because I was desperate to be listened to, I took him up on it, and just vented about all my current frustrations of still being single, and being so tired of being alone, and being frustrated about how mom has reacted recently to my being unhappy about it all, even when I tried to talk to her the other night when she finally asked what was wrong (she and I communicate very differently, which has been hard at times throughout my life). He was so kind to literally just listen and let me rant and vent and cry and get it all out, and cry some more. I don't think I've ever really talked to him that much and that openly like that, and I am so grateful I got to, and that he was such a good listener. I didn't know he could be like that. And so understanding, which I was extremely grateful for too. He responded in exactly the way I've been needing so badly. With understanding and empathy. I worked the night before and went to Sac. Mtg. right after work and remembered it's fast sunday, and I normally would have fasted another Sunday, because I was eating throughout the night at work, but after Sac. Mtg., I went home to sleep, and I normally eat breakfast first, then shower and crash, but yesterday I decided to just fast the rest of the day, and I pleaded for a miracle that night, with Mom (things were still bad with her), and last night I felt like I got my miracle and then some, as talking to Dad was a huge blessing, and then later Mom came and talked to me and it was a better conversation than our previous two this weekend. Not perfectly what I hoped for, but I feel better about things, and have prayed and prayed to be able to forgive mom and let all this go and to like being around her again, and I feel like that prayer is being answered.

But I was at Camille's this afternoon and evening, and it was fun to be with the kids, and to catch up with her, and Taylor and Caitlyn came over for games, which I almost didn't stay for because I just kind of felt awkward, and I'm not in the most happy, confident, friendly mood still. But I did stay, and it was pretty fun. And plus Camille and I talked some more afterwards, which was good. But it honestly was hard to see her so happy with her family, and constantly doing so many fun things with the kids and her family, and she goes on a bunch of little hikes with the kids and stuff, and I secretly feel bad that she doesn't invite me to more things. She's invited Rosanna a couple times, and the other day she told me she wished she had invited me to the one the other day, and said so again today. And I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I already struggle with feeling like I always belong and fit in in my family, being single and with no kids. But to feel forgotten as well, that's hard. And I do sometimes, I feel like I get forgotten because I don't have a family of my own.

This being single just seems like it's getting harder. And hopefully it's just a thing I'm going through right now, and I'll be fine again soon. I don't want to be that unhappy single girl.

The other day, and even last night after talking and venting to Dad, I felt a lot more optimistic about life again. But today it's been hard again, and being at Camille's. I started crying on my way home in the car, and the thought came to get a blessing. But honestly, I don't want to, because I feel like in my last who knows how many blessings over the last few years, I feel like they all say the same thing about that part of my life, that the things I want most will be granted to me and such, something to that effect each time. But obviously it hasn't happened. And it's frustrating. And disappointing. So I don't even want to hear it. I told Heavenly Father the other day that I'm done asking for it because I'm tired of being disappointed. But that He knows I want it.

So that's kind of where I'm at right now.