Andy and I went out last night, basically 4th date, and it was a good date, but I just have kind of lost interest. I'm not sure why, which is why I think something is wrong with me.
So last Sunday was General Conference, and we went, and then he came over for dinner, and we just kind of hung out all afternoon. I didn't let him kiss me, though he really wanted to. By the end of the night, things were going great, and our goodbye was great, and he asked me when he could see me again, and I said, "Well...when do you want to?" and he said, "As soon as possible." It was really cute. So he said he had tickets to the BYU Spectacular, a show that I love, and invited me to it for Thurs. I said I normally work Thurs nights (Paul), but that I could probably switch.
Anyway, he left, and I could tell he was still more into me than I was into him, but I definitely had interest. Then, even just that night, thinking about him, and the really great qualities he has, and how well he treats me, etc., he started growing on me more. Then through Mon, Tues, and Wed, he grew on me more and more, and I practically couldn't wait for Thurs to finally get here so I could see him! He had taken me suggestion, or invitation, on Sunday, to call me on the phone (I hate getting to know someone primarily via messaging, like text or facebook, which is what we had been doing mostly, minus our few dates), so we had chatted on the phone both Mon and Tues nights, and I had loved that.
But then, it was literally like a switch was flipped overnight, and I felt pretty much indifferent towards him on Thurs. I don't know what happened. I wasn't that excited to see him Thurs night anymore. But I thought that seeing him and being with him would re-ignite my feelings. It didn't.
So Thurs (last night), I drove down to Provo after my last flu shot clinic was done at 5 pm in West Jordan (that job is going great, by the way, AND I just got a job offer at the U Hospital!! I had an interview for it on Tues, and she offered me the job later that day, to which I asked to have 24 hours to think about it, because I had just gotten an interview at St. Mark's, for the floor I wanted to work there too, for this next Thurs. I feel pretty good about working at the U, but I still wanted to go to the interview at St. Mark's on Tues, so I left Colline, the nurse manager at the U, in a message, if I could go to the interview and let her know after that, but if she really needed to know before then, I would just take the job. She left me a message back the next day, yesterday, to say that was totally fine, to go to the interview and let her know after. I'm so excited to have a full-time job though!).
I was so tired yesterday, running on about just over 4 hours of sleep, and I'm wondering if that had anything to do with my feeling indifferent about Andy.. still not sure.
But so I got down there, we met at his parents' house because they have puppies right now, and he wanted me to see them. So I met his mom and sister, and he had a few friends over to see the puppies too, and we played with them for about an hour, and then went to the Spectacular.
It was a good show, we held hands and sat real close the whole time, his arm around me part of the time, I rubbed his back, etc. It was nice. Then we went to dinner at Los Hermanos (I have told him about our restaurant, which is why he wanted to go there. I've never been there, to the Provo one, surprisingly, but it was good!), and at the end, he realized with much regret and embarrassment, that he had not brought his wallet. Haha, so I took his keys and went back to the car, where my purse was in the trunk, and got mine. So yes, I paid for dinner, haha. He felt so bad. And of course plans on paying me back. Oh, and for dinner, we parked right next to the Provo Tabernacle Temple site and checked it out through the viewing side before going to eat. It is so cool!
Anyway, after dinner we went to his house and watched Emperor's New Groove. I chose the couch to sit on this time, and we definitely held hands and cuddled, but still no kissing.
It ended at midnight, and it was time for me to go, so he drove me to his parents' house where my car was, and we chatted on the way and then just sat and chatted in his car for a bit at their house. At the end, he asked me how I was feeling about things, and I got nervous because I actually
wasn't feeling great about things, in the way of I just wasn't feeling super into him. I felt like we got along really well, but I didn't really have any desire to kiss him, I wasn't feeling super attracted to him. But I said something like, "Good...I just still want to take things slow.." which he was fine with. And then he was talking about this weekend, or spending time together, and said something like, "Right now, I have no desire to hang out with any other girls. And as far as this weekend, or if you want to hang out, I'm there." That was really sweet, and very flattering. And he did tell me that if I wanted to do stuff with other people, or go out with other guys, that was totally fine, and he wasn't offended at all. He asked me about that, or what I thought or something, and I just told him that me being really tired wasn't helping things, with trying to figure things out, so let's talk about this later. He was fine with that, of course. He's so nice.
So we got out of the car and he walked me to my door, and he we hugged and he kind of repeated some things, that if I wanted to spend time with other people, or go out with other people, that was totally fine, he wasn't offended, and that I can be totally honest with him.
I thanked him, said I better go, got in the car, and he asked me if I wanted him to call me on my way home, to keep me awake. It was late, and normally I would say I would be fine, because I felt bad keeping him up. But I legitimately was scared about getting home awake and alive last night, so I said, "....maybe.." So being the great guy that he is, he said, "I'll call you."
And about five minutes later he did.
I asked what he wanted to talk about, and he said, "I want you to tell me about your mission." He has told me about his mission and certain companions he had that were difficult, including his trainer, and I had mentioned that I had a hard trainer too. So he wanted to hear about that. So I talked for most of the 40 minute drive home, telling him all about my mission, different companions, and my last transfer and the incredible experiences that led to it ending so special.
I got home, got off the phone, was so grateful for how nice he was to stay up and talk to me so that I would stay awake driving. I really appreciated it, and I told him that.
But I still felt just kind of like I'd lost interest. But he was this really great guy, and on paper is basically everything that I look for (minus the height thing)--solid testimony, fun guy, good conversationalist, great goals, educated, driven, good with money, gentleman, considerate, strong, I'm even pretty much positive, by the end of last night, that he doesn't have a pornography problem! But even after all that, I just wasn't feeling it with him. And that scared me, and it still does. Here is this great guy, who is so into me, and just wants to be with me, and I don't feel the same. What's it going to take for me to be happy?? After I got home, I got really scared and just felt like I'm never going to get married. For those reasons. And today, I still feel scared about that. That I'm never going to be happy with any guy.
I don't know, I can't really tell you why I've kind of lost interest. Maybe I was just really tired and beyond feeling. Maybe it's the height thing and I don't feel as much like a girl and feminine as I would like because we're practically the same size. Maybe there are certain personality querks that I don't totally clique with, like he sometimes thinks things are a lot funnier than me, and I feel like it's kind of dorky. Maybe because he gets kind of dorky and really into me and hugs me really tight at moments because he's probably excited to be with me, but that I feel like that's kind of dorky and detracts from his appeal to me.
Or maybe there is really something wrong with me and I am never going to be happy with any guy. I don't know.
But it's been an emotional day for me today. I slept in til 11:40 am, got up, went to my one flu shot clinic, was on the verge of tears the whole time, started crying on the way home, got home, Jamie came over, I spilled all of it to her, what happened, how I was feeling, how it all made me scared that I would never get married, etc., and I've just been in this emotional after-crying stupor of a mood the rest of the day. Took a nap and then have just kind of vegged all evening. I wanted to write in my journal though, so this has been really good.
So I don't know what to do. My mom says trust my feelings, and Camille said that too, when I kind of told her the update via text.
But the thing is I really kind of
want to like him. I had basically thought way farther ahead than I ever should (female brain, for you), and had invested a lot in the idea of him. Of us. He has gotten a great job offer and will likely be moving to DC next August, and I had kind of started imagining going with him. As his wife. And I was getting excited about the thought of leaving the single scene finally.
Plus he is so great and has been so good to me, I feel terrible if I can't like him back and feel the same way in return. And I know you can't marry every nice boy, but he has been so great. A lot of me wishes I liked him back in the same amount. I've never been liked this much by a guy, and it is so flattering.
But confession, at the same time as wishing I felt the same way, the height thing is still an issue. And I think that if everything else was good, it wouldn't bother me much, if at all. But maybe since something else is off, it does more. I don't know. So there is a tiny part of me that is relieved at this lack of interest feeling. I have always wanted to marry someone taller than me, by at least a few inches. And I would rather marry someone my height than like 6'7" or something huge like that, but I just sometimes feel like we don't
fit as well as I would like to fit, with the person I will be spending eternity with.
So I don't know. I'm exhausted, emotionally drained, and I need to go to sleep. Hopefully time will work all this out. Because this is hard. And he is so great. I just feel so bad.
